Oh, stop it

Suffering from a bad case of hemorrhoids, a gay fellow goes to see his doctor. After his examination the physician prescribes suppositories twice a day.

When it comes time to use the first suppository the young man is concerned he will do it wrong. So he goes into the bathroom, bends over and looks through his legs into the mirror to line up the target.

All of a sudden, his p*nis starts to stiffen, blocking his view.

"Oh, stop it," the young man scolds his organ, "it's only me."

Cultural Differences Explained

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.

Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.

Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.

Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
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Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.

Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.

Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.

Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
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Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.

Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.

Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.

Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
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Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.

Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.

Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.

Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
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Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.

Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.

Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.

Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.
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Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".

Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".

Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.

Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.
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Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backward country.

Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backward country.

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Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.

Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.

Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting p*ss.

Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

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Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.

Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.

Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.

Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

The evils of marijuana

A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the topic of the lecture, and on to his favorite subject: the evils of marijuana.

Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors, "Used regularly," he explained, "pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and castration!"

"Now wait a minute, professor," interrupted a student. "Castration? That's absurd!"

"Yes young man, it's sadly true," replied the professor smugly. "Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!"

You're ugly,

Little Johnny said to his aunt Tess, "My God, you're ugly, aren't you!"

His mother overheard this and pulled Johnny into the kitchen.
"You naughty boy!" she screamed, "How can you say to your aunt that she's ugly! You go right in and apologize to her! Tell her you're sorry!"

Little Johnny entered the living room, walked over to his aunt and said, "Aunt Tess, I am sorry you're so ugly."

You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time

While they were taking up the collection, John leaned forward and said, "Hey, Marie, how about you and me go to dinner next Friday?" "Why Yes, John, that would be nice," said Marie.

Well, John couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his car, and on Friday he picked up Marie and took her to dinner, the finest restaurant in Raleigh. When they sat down, John looked over at Marie said, "Hey, Marie, would you like a cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh, no, John, "said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, John was setback a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes."Hey, Marie," said John, "Would you like a smoke?"

"Oh, no, John," said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, John was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his car and was driving Marie home when they passed the Holiday Inn. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.

"Hey, Marie," said John, "how would you like to stop at this motel with me?"

"Sure, John, that would be nice," said Marie.

Well, John couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in with Marie.

The next morning John got up first. He looked at Marie lying there in the bed.

"What have I done? What have I done?" thought John.

He shook Marie and she woke up. "Marie, I've got to ask you one thing,said John. "What are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

Marie said, "The same thing I always tell them......... You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time.

Inconsolable

In a rich residential colony, all daughters-in-law once decided to send their mothers-in-law for outing and picnic for a change. Accordingly, they hired a bus and packed their mothers-in-law for a good time.

As luck would have it, the bus met with an accident and all the ladies died. There was chaos in the colony and the women were weeping for the deceased. One woman in particular, was crying bitterly and could not be solaced by others.

One daughter-in-law asked: “Were you really that close to your mother-in-law?”

The woman: “It’s not that. She got late and was left behind.”

Classified Dead

During an Army war game, a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.

"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't
contribute in any way."

The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."

How Dogs Are Better Than Men

  1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
  2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
  3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
  4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
  5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
  6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
  7. You can train a dog.
  8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
  9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
  10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
  11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

Heil Hitler!

During World War II, Hitler told his Nazis to rape as may French women as they could then say, "In nine months you will have a baby. Name it Adolf. Heil Hitler!"

So a young Nazi soldier, eager to do his duty, dutifully went out and raped a pretty young French girl. He said, "In nine months you will have a baby. Name it Adolf. Heil Hitler!" She replied, "In a few weeks you will have a disease. Name it syphillis. Vive la France!"

I think my wife is having an affair

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

It must be the arthritis

An old geezer in an old people's home takes a fancy to a woman who is also staying there. One day he plucks up the courage to go and talk to her and after a while he says he would like to make love to her. She agrees that when everybody else goes on a day trip they both stay behind at the home and get down to it.

The old man goes to the woman's room and asks her how she likes to be made love to. She tells him that she loves a man to go down on her and asks him if he would mind. He says he would love to do that for her and goes for it.

After about 30 seconds he comes back up and says that he is sorry but it just smells too bad down there. She thinks for a minute and tells him that it must be the arthritis. He looks and her confused and states that surely you can't get arthritis down there and even if you could it wouldn't cause that smell.

She says "No it's the arthritis in my shoulder; I can't wipe my arse properly!"

Betraying a Witch

A notorious womanizer left a trail of broken hearts behind him, until he betrayed the wrong woman- a practicing witch. The morning after she caught him with another girl, he awoke with an itchy bump in the middle of his forehead. He thought it was a pimple, but it continued to grow to ridiculous proportions throughout the day.

In a panic, he sought the advice of a physician who examined the man and ran tests on the strange tissue. By now the bump was three inches long, and starting to take an oddly familiar shape.

"What is this thing growing out of my head, Doctor?"

"We've run every test we know to confirm the findings," he said gravely,"but they all tell us the same thing. The bump in your forehead is developing into a fully grown pen*s."

"I can't believe this! Isn't there anything you can do?"

"I'm afraid not. Removing it would kill you."

"I'll be a freak! No woman will come near me!"

"There's more," said the Doctor.

"You're going to experience vision problems."

"Will I go blind, Doc?" said the man.

"No, you'll just have trouble seeing with testicles hanging in front of your eyes."

Turn it around

A man is driving down a country road when he sees a sign, "Apples $5.00 each." Intrigued to find out why an apple should cost that much, he stops and asks the farmer why the apples are so expensive.

The farmer says, "These are special peanut butter and jelly apples. Here, try one."

The man takes a bite and says, "Unbelievable; I taste the peanut butter but not the jelly."

The farmer says, "Turn it around." He does and he savors a sweet jelly.

The farmer says, "I've got ham and cheese apples, too, but they're $10.00 each."

The man is excited, buys one, takes a bite and says, "Wow, these are great but I taste the ham but not the cheese."

The farmer says, "Turn it around." He does, takes a bite and a rich, creamy cheese taste fills his mouth.

The farmer says, "N ow, if you really like those, I've got some very special apples that cost $50.00 each. They're p*ssy apples."

The man cannot resist and buys one. He takes a bite and says,

"YUCK, these taste like sh*t!"

The farmer says, "Turn it around."

Do something!!

There was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering to himself and spitting.

He would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, he would say, "Damn, that sonofab*itch can drive", then spit, "Damn, that sonofab*tch can drive", then spit, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive"... then spit.

A man sits down next to him and asks him, "What's going on here?"

"Well," says the guy, "my friend just got a brand new sports car, so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So, I say sure, why not? He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains. After we have lunch, we start back down the mountain and his brakes go out!! He's pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So now we're picking up speed and the road is all twisty and curvy. We're going faster and faster, and it's hard to stay on the road. I've got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I'm pleading with him to do something!! We'regoing about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500 foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler truck right on our butts, and anoverturned motor home right in front of us. Well, I figure this is it! I just knew we were gonna die! So I turned to him and said,"Buddy, if you can get us outta this, I'll give you the best damn bl*wjob you've ever had!"

He paused ... then spit. "DAMN, THAT SON OF A B*TCH CAN DRIVE!"

It was at that moment

Guys,

I have never written asking for your help before, but I really need your advice.

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them.'

I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife.

I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her.

Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls. '

When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop where I bought it?

Bar Room Chat Translations

"You get this one, next round is on me." (We won't be here long enough to get another round.)

"I'll get this one, next one is on you." (Happy hour is about to end...now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they'll be 4.50 a pop.)

"Hey, where is that friend of yours?" (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)

"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." [female] (I'm easy.)

"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." [male] (I'm gay.)

"Ever try a body shot?" [male to female] (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)

"Ever try a body shot?" [female to male] (If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?)

"I don't feel well, let's go home." [female] (You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)

"I don't feel well, let's go home." [male] (I'm horny.)

"Who's got the next round?" (I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)

"What do you have on tap?" (What's cheap?)

"Can I have a white Russian?" [male] (I'm really gay.)

"Can I have a white Russian?" [female] (I'm really easy.)

"That person looks really familiar." (Did I sleep with him/her?)

"Can I just get a glass of water?" [female] (I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)

"Can I just get a glass of water?" [male] (I'm annoying, and cheap to boot.)

"I don't have my ID on me." [female] (I'm 19.)

"I don't have my ID on me." [male] (I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here.)

"Excuse Me." [male to male] (Get the f*ck out of the way.)

"Excuse Me." [male to female] (I am going to grope you now.)

"Excuse Me." [female to male] (Don't even think about groping me, just get the f*ck out of the way.)

"Excuse Me." [female to female] (Move your fat arse. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho...Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, b*tch, like the sl*t you are.)

I'm really worried about my wife

Doug went to a psychiatrist and said, "Doc, I'm really worried about my wife. Yesterday she posed for a nude picture."

The psychiatrist said, "Well I wouldn't worry about that. It's probably just an expression of her interest in art. What was the nude picture for?"

Doug said, "Her driver's license."

How was it?

Little Johnny hears the word wh*rehouse in school and asks his father what it means. His father is quite shocked, and replies, "Well, uh, you go there to, uh, have a good time."

Johnny starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there, too, but his father insists that he's too young.

Saturday night rolls around. Johnny's dad and a few of his friends head out to Mable's ("Liquor In The Front, Poker In The Rear! - Our Customers Come First!) for a "good time."

Naturally, Little Johnny tags along secretly.

After his dad and his dad's friends have been safely inside for some time, Little Johnny knocks on the door. The madame opens the door.

"Yes?" she asks.

"I'm here to have a good time!"

The madame is a little puzzled, but, being a kind-hearted soul, invites Little Johnny inside. She gives him three donuts and then bids him goodbye.

When he gets home, his dad is frantic. (Dad obviously had come and gone at Mabel's.) "Where have you been?"

"I went to a WH*REHOUSE!" Johnny proudly boasted!

Johnny's dad blanched. "Uhh, you did? Umm, how was it?"

"Well, I managed the first two without any problem, but I just licked the third one!"

Homesick

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says,

"I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't h*rny, I'm homesick."

Outrageous Demand

Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Bob. The sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Bob and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.

Bob leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Canadian currency?"