A Curvy Blonde
Jenine, a curvy blonde enters into John's cabin and says to her boss, "John, I'm afraid I've bad news for you."
John staring at his secretary's curves, replies, "Sweetheart, why do you always have to give me bad news? Give me some good news for a change."
Jenine replies, "Well, if you insist, the good news is that you are not sterile....."
John staring at his secretary's curves, replies, "Sweetheart, why do you always have to give me bad news? Give me some good news for a change."
Jenine replies, "Well, if you insist, the good news is that you are not sterile....."
Blonde and Motorboat
Betty, a 28-year-old blonde, fulfilled
her dream of owning a boat when she purchased one in the summer. So, one
afternoon, she was all set to try out her brand new motorboat. But
there was a problem - the motorboat would barely perform. She tried
everything, checked the mechanisms again, but the boat failed to
function properly.
She tried again the next day and the day after that, but the motorboat would only splutter and strain but not pick up speed. She saw some fishermen and thought of asking them for help. She hoped that they would help identify the problem.
A
fisherman inspected the boat and confirmed that the engine
and out drive seemed to be in order. Fisherman then jumped into the water to
check underneath the boat for any problems. What he saw made him laugh
so hard, he came up choking and gasping for air. When the other
fishermen asked him what was so funny, he replied, "The trailer is still
attached to the boat!"
Go ahead and take the spot
Ted was looking for a parking place in a shopping arcade. After driving
up and down several lanes, he finally found a parking spot. He noticed
another man driving very slowly in the same direction, and, since he was
closer, Ted gave him the "Are you going to park there?" look.
His responding gestures were very puzzling. First he shook his head. Next he pointed at Ted, then at the parking space and then at himself, his watch and the arcade. Finishing off, he frowned, raised his palms upward and shrugged. Once Ted parked, he walked over to the driver to make sure he didn't want the space.
"You must be single," the driver replied. "If you were married, you would've known that was the universal sign for 'Go ahead and take the spot. I'm waiting for my wife.'"
His responding gestures were very puzzling. First he shook his head. Next he pointed at Ted, then at the parking space and then at himself, his watch and the arcade. Finishing off, he frowned, raised his palms upward and shrugged. Once Ted parked, he walked over to the driver to make sure he didn't want the space.
"You must be single," the driver replied. "If you were married, you would've known that was the universal sign for 'Go ahead and take the spot. I'm waiting for my wife.'"
Fishing License
A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten
track. All of a sudden, the game warden jumped out of the bushes.
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running
through the woods like a bat out of a cave. The game warden was hot on
his
heels.
After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the game warden finally caught up to him.
"Let's see yer fishin' license, boy!" the warden gasped.
With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the game warden a valid fishing license.
"Well, son," said the game warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"
"Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my friend back there, well, he don't have one."
After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the game warden finally caught up to him.
"Let's see yer fishin' license, boy!" the warden gasped.
With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the game warden a valid fishing license.
"Well, son," said the game warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"
"Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my friend back there, well, he don't have one."
How Much You Lose
Suzie, a hooker, goes to her doctor for her quarterly checkup.
The doctor asked, "Is there any particular problem that you want to talk about?"
"Yes, I have noticed lately that even if I get a small cut, it seems to bleed for a very long time and the clotting is delayed," she replied. "Is there any chance that I have hemophilia?"
"Hmm," the doctor said, "Hemophilia is an inheritable disease, normally affecting only males but it is possible for women to transmit it to their male children. Tell me, how much you lose when you have your period?"
Suzie started making some mental calculations and replied, "About $1000 on an average."
The doctor asked, "Is there any particular problem that you want to talk about?"
"Yes, I have noticed lately that even if I get a small cut, it seems to bleed for a very long time and the clotting is delayed," she replied. "Is there any chance that I have hemophilia?"
"Hmm," the doctor said, "Hemophilia is an inheritable disease, normally affecting only males but it is possible for women to transmit it to their male children. Tell me, how much you lose when you have your period?"
Suzie started making some mental calculations and replied, "About $1000 on an average."
The Redneck farmer and his son
The redneck farmer was disturbed when he found out his son was masturbating several times a day out in the barn.
"Boy, you gotta quit that! Go out and git yo'self a wife." So the boy
went out and found himself a pretty young girl, to whom he got married.
But a week or so after the wedding, the farmer found his son choking the
chicken again.
"You crazy boy!!" he yelled, "That Elli-Mae's a fine young gal!!"
"I know
"You crazy boy!!" he yelled, "That Elli-Mae's a fine young gal!!"
"I know
Your sign fell down
On a very cold night, a young man dropped into the local brothel and the madam said, "You'll have to wait."
"But there's lots of girls that aren't busy right now."
"Yes, but several of the rooms are closed for repairs."
"Listen, I'm pretty desperate. I don't need a room."
So she takes his money and he goes upstairs with one of the staff and, after looking for a place to consummate the transaction, they decide to do it on the roof. But it's a very cold night, and they freeze to death and fall to the sidewalk. A passing drunk looks them over, staggers to the door, and knocks.
"Go away!" says the madam. "We don't allow drunks in here!"
"I don't want in," says the drunk. "I just wanted to tell you that your sign fell down."
"But there's lots of girls that aren't busy right now."
"Yes, but several of the rooms are closed for repairs."
"Listen, I'm pretty desperate. I don't need a room."
So she takes his money and he goes upstairs with one of the staff and, after looking for a place to consummate the transaction, they decide to do it on the roof. But it's a very cold night, and they freeze to death and fall to the sidewalk. A passing drunk looks them over, staggers to the door, and knocks.
"Go away!" says the madam. "We don't allow drunks in here!"
"I don't want in," says the drunk. "I just wanted to tell you that your sign fell down."
Sinned Twice
A priest, in complete violation of his celibacy wows, makes amorous
advances to a nun who, at first, rejects his proposals saying it's a
sin, but finally relents and the two end up in bed together.
After making love, the nun says, "Since you are a priest, I would like you to hear my confession. I have sinned. Twice."
The priest says, "What do you mean, 'twice'? We only did it once."
The nun: "You're going to do it again, aren't you?"
After making love, the nun says, "Since you are a priest, I would like you to hear my confession. I have sinned. Twice."
The priest says, "What do you mean, 'twice'? We only did it once."
The nun: "You're going to do it again, aren't you?"
Top 10 Homicides of the Year
1-
Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the
road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her
daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheelchair was hit by the
truck delivering her birthday cake.
2- Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his eight-year-old daughter, whom he had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if she couldn't have dinner, no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her father's coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took one sip and promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she didn't realize what she was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later.
3- David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girlfriend after he attempted to have his way with her. His unwelcome advance was met with a double-barreled shotgun. Charla's (the girlfriends') father had given it to her an hour before the date started, just in case.
4- Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay his rent for eight years. The landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the victim to death with a toilet seat after he realised just how long it had been since Mr Halos had paid his rent.
5- Megan Fry, 44 years old, was killed by 14 state troopers after she wandered onto a live firing, fake town, simulation. Seeing all the troopers walking slowly down the street Megan Fry had jumped out in front of them and yelled "Boo!" The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting the target. She just looked like a very real looking target, one of the troopers stated in his report.
6- Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because she talked on the phone too long, Michael clubbed his sister to death with a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken aerial.
7- Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American nuclear scientist Harold Simms was killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbour. Over a period of three months, Harold substituted Helena's eye shadow with a uranium composite that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning. Although she suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss, skin welts, blindness, extreme nausea and even had an earlobe drop off, the victim never attended a doctor's surgery or hospital for a check-up.
8- Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two-timing wife by loading her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4). The Ford Taurus she was driving was filled with 750kgs of explosive, forming a force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. The explosion was heard by several persons some up to 14 kilometres away. No trace of the car or the victim were ever found, only a 55-metre deep crater, and 500 metres of missing road.
9- Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbour in the early hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbor, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted F6 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed at an empty block at the back of his property. Patty Winter would constantly complain to the local sheriff's officers about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking this, he invited Miss Winter over for a cup of coffee and a chat about the whole situation. What Winter didn't know was that he had changed the position of the engine, as she walked into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5,000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway.
10- Michael Lewis, angry at his gay boyfriend, used the movie, Die Hard, With a Vengeance as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry, into an almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double sided white board that read Death to all N*ggers! on one side, and God Loves the KKK on the other. Lewis then drove the victim to downtown Harlem and dropped him off. Two minutes later Berry was deceased.
2- Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his eight-year-old daughter, whom he had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if she couldn't have dinner, no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her father's coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took one sip and promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she didn't realize what she was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later.
3- David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girlfriend after he attempted to have his way with her. His unwelcome advance was met with a double-barreled shotgun. Charla's (the girlfriends') father had given it to her an hour before the date started, just in case.
4- Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay his rent for eight years. The landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the victim to death with a toilet seat after he realised just how long it had been since Mr Halos had paid his rent.
5- Megan Fry, 44 years old, was killed by 14 state troopers after she wandered onto a live firing, fake town, simulation. Seeing all the troopers walking slowly down the street Megan Fry had jumped out in front of them and yelled "Boo!" The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting the target. She just looked like a very real looking target, one of the troopers stated in his report.
6- Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because she talked on the phone too long, Michael clubbed his sister to death with a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken aerial.
7- Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American nuclear scientist Harold Simms was killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbour. Over a period of three months, Harold substituted Helena's eye shadow with a uranium composite that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning. Although she suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss, skin welts, blindness, extreme nausea and even had an earlobe drop off, the victim never attended a doctor's surgery or hospital for a check-up.
8- Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two-timing wife by loading her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4). The Ford Taurus she was driving was filled with 750kgs of explosive, forming a force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. The explosion was heard by several persons some up to 14 kilometres away. No trace of the car or the victim were ever found, only a 55-metre deep crater, and 500 metres of missing road.
9- Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbour in the early hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbor, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted F6 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed at an empty block at the back of his property. Patty Winter would constantly complain to the local sheriff's officers about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking this, he invited Miss Winter over for a cup of coffee and a chat about the whole situation. What Winter didn't know was that he had changed the position of the engine, as she walked into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5,000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway.
10- Michael Lewis, angry at his gay boyfriend, used the movie, Die Hard, With a Vengeance as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry, into an almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double sided white board that read Death to all N*ggers! on one side, and God Loves the KKK on the other. Lewis then drove the victim to downtown Harlem and dropped him off. Two minutes later Berry was deceased.
Cucumbers are better than Men Because...
A cucumber a day keeps the OB-GYN away.
A cucumber can always wait until you get home.
A cucumber doesn't care if you always spend the holidays with your family.
A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are taking a shower.
A cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library.
A cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll on deodorant, or hair spray.
A cucumber isn't allergic to your cat.
A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet.
A cucumber never has to call "the wife".
A cucumber never snaps your bra, or pinches your butt.
A cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety.
A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
A cucumber never wants to improve your mind.
A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.
A cucumber will never call and say, "I have to work late, honey." and then come home with the smell of Channel No. 19 on him.
A cucumber will never leave you for another cucumber.
A cucumber will never leave you for another man.
A cucumber will never leave you for another woman.
A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator..
A cucumber won't ask "Am I the first?"
A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
A cucumber won't come home late, stinking of beer.
A cucumber won't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
A cucumber won't fall asleep too soon.
A cucumber won't grab cash from your purse while you're asleep.
A cucumber won't lie to you about having a vasectomy.
A cucumber won't make you sleep on the wet spot.
A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes over.
A cucumber won't need to be sucked off.
A cucumber won't pout if you have a headache.
A cucumber won't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy."
A cucumber won't take you to a disco and dump you for a flashy blonde.
A cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually.
A cucumber won't tell you that size doesn't matter.
A cucumber won't want to c*m on your face.
Cucumbers stay hard for a week.
Cucumbers won't ask am I the best?
Cucumbers won't ask did you come? How many times?
Cucumbers won't ask how was it?
Cucumbers won't give you a hickey.
Cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub.
Cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go to bad with your boots on.
Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin.
Cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for him.
Cucumbers won't write ! your name and number on the men's room wall.
No matter how you slice it, you can always have your cuke and eat it too.
No matter what age group you are in, you can always get a fresh cucumber.
The average cucumber is at least seven inches long.
With a cucumber you can get a single room and you won't have to check in as "Mrs." Cucumber.
With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
With a cucumber, you never have to say you're sorry.
With cucumbers, you don't have to be a virgin more than once.
You always know where YOUR cucumber has been.
You can fondle cucumbers in a supermarket and you know how firm it is before you take it home.
You only eat cucumbers when you feel like it.
You won't find out later that your cucumber is married.
You won't find out later that your cucumber is on penicillin or have AIDS.
You won't find out later that your cucumber likes you, but loves your brother
You won't find out that a cucumber is married.
You won't find out that a cucumber is trying to screw your sister.
Your mother won't flip out finding a cucumber in your house.
A cucumber can always wait until you get home.
A cucumber doesn't care if you always spend the holidays with your family.
A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are taking a shower.
A cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library.
A cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll on deodorant, or hair spray.
A cucumber isn't allergic to your cat.
A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet.
A cucumber never has to call "the wife".
A cucumber never snaps your bra, or pinches your butt.
A cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety.
A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
A cucumber never wants to improve your mind.
A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.
A cucumber will never call and say, "I have to work late, honey." and then come home with the smell of Channel No. 19 on him.
A cucumber will never leave you for another cucumber.
A cucumber will never leave you for another man.
A cucumber will never leave you for another woman.
A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator..
A cucumber won't ask "Am I the first?"
A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
A cucumber won't come home late, stinking of beer.
A cucumber won't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
A cucumber won't fall asleep too soon.
A cucumber won't grab cash from your purse while you're asleep.
A cucumber won't lie to you about having a vasectomy.
A cucumber won't make you sleep on the wet spot.
A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes over.
A cucumber won't need to be sucked off.
A cucumber won't pout if you have a headache.
A cucumber won't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy."
A cucumber won't take you to a disco and dump you for a flashy blonde.
A cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually.
A cucumber won't tell you that size doesn't matter.
A cucumber won't want to c*m on your face.
Cucumbers stay hard for a week.
Cucumbers won't ask am I the best?
Cucumbers won't ask did you come? How many times?
Cucumbers won't ask how was it?
Cucumbers won't give you a hickey.
Cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub.
Cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go to bad with your boots on.
Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin.
Cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for him.
Cucumbers won't write ! your name and number on the men's room wall.
No matter how you slice it, you can always have your cuke and eat it too.
No matter what age group you are in, you can always get a fresh cucumber.
The average cucumber is at least seven inches long.
With a cucumber you can get a single room and you won't have to check in as "Mrs." Cucumber.
With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
With a cucumber, you never have to say you're sorry.
With cucumbers, you don't have to be a virgin more than once.
You always know where YOUR cucumber has been.
You can fondle cucumbers in a supermarket and you know how firm it is before you take it home.
You only eat cucumbers when you feel like it.
You won't find out later that your cucumber is married.
You won't find out later that your cucumber is on penicillin or have AIDS.
You won't find out later that your cucumber likes you, but loves your brother
You won't find out that a cucumber is married.
You won't find out that a cucumber is trying to screw your sister.
Your mother won't flip out finding a cucumber in your house.
Wagering Money
Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of agitation. "Father!" she cried, "just WAIT until you hear this!"
The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, " Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?" "Well, father" the nun began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!"
"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.
"But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun, "it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!"
"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?"
"Well, I hit the CEILING, father."
"How much did you win?"
The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, " Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?" "Well, father" the nun began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!"
"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.
"But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun, "it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!"
"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?"
"Well, I hit the CEILING, father."
"How much did you win?"
TRUE mother-in-law
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. "This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they argued before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall cut the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to cut him in two!" exclaimed the king's advisor.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they argued before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall cut the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to cut him in two!" exclaimed the king's advisor.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."
Technically B#$tards
A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them. He asked if they had a license and, when they didn't, sent them off to get one.
They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license from him. When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they had filled the names in backwards -- his where hers belonged and vice versa. They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and got another license.
This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in the wrong format. Again they catch the clerk... After five reissued licenses, the judge is finally satisfied.
Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, and any children you might have would be technical ba$tards."
Groom: "That's funny - that's just what the clerk called you.
They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license from him. When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they had filled the names in backwards -- his where hers belonged and vice versa. They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and got another license.
This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in the wrong format. Again they catch the clerk... After five reissued licenses, the judge is finally satisfied.
Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, and any children you might have would be technical ba$tards."
Groom: "That's funny - that's just what the clerk called you.
The strange Laws
Paradox of the Corporation:
The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
The Salary Axiom:
The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
Law of Insurance:
Your Insurance covers you for everything except for just what hits you.
First Law of Living:
As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.
Law of Libraries:
There are no answers, only cross-references.
Strange Rule of Staleness:
Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
The Grocery Bag Law:
The candy bar you planned to eat on your way home from shopping the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
The Law of Employment:
When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
The Salary Axiom:
The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
Law of Insurance:
Your Insurance covers you for everything except for just what hits you.
First Law of Living:
As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.
Law of Libraries:
There are no answers, only cross-references.
Strange Rule of Staleness:
Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
The Grocery Bag Law:
The candy bar you planned to eat on your way home from shopping the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
The Law of Employment:
When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
The Man Dictionary
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."
I am called a Princess
"An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay
flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served
them food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and Announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing this big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, Bi***."
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and Announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing this big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, Bi***."
How did it happen?
"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.
"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."
"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."
"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted."
I said, "No, everything is fine."
"Are you sure?" she asked.
"I'm sure," I said.
"Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know.
"I reckon not," I replied.
"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"
"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"
"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."
"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."
"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted."
I said, "No, everything is fine."
"Are you sure?" she asked.
"I'm sure," I said.
"Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know.
"I reckon not," I replied.
"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"
"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"
You are a sex maniac
A man goes to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist draws a square on a piece of paper.
"What does that remind you of?" he asks the patient.
"Sex!" replies the man without hesitation.
The psychiatrist then draws a flower, a house, a cow, a ladder, a frying pan, and a bunch of keys.
Each picture reminds the man of sex.
Finally, the psychiatrist tells the patient, "You are a sex maniac."
"Me?" says the patient surprised. "You are the one drawing all those dirty pictures!"
"What does that remind you of?" he asks the patient.
"Sex!" replies the man without hesitation.
The psychiatrist then draws a flower, a house, a cow, a ladder, a frying pan, and a bunch of keys.
Each picture reminds the man of sex.
Finally, the psychiatrist tells the patient, "You are a sex maniac."
"Me?" says the patient surprised. "You are the one drawing all those dirty pictures!"
Cub Reporter
A cub reporter
for a small town newspaper was sent out on his first assignment. He
submitted the following report to his editor. "Mrs. Smith was injured in
a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with
lacerations on her breasts."
The Editor scolded the new reporter, "This is a family paper. We don't use words like breasts around here. Now go back and write something more appropriate!"
The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( . )( . ) "
The Editor scolded the new reporter, "This is a family paper. We don't use words like breasts around here. Now go back and write something more appropriate!"
The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( . )( . ) "
Ironing Blonde
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.
The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
"But. what happened to your other ear?"
"That Idiot called back."
The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
"But. what happened to your other ear?"
"That Idiot called back."
Texas Farmer in Australia
A Texas farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an
Aussie farmer and starts talking with him. The Aussie shows off his big
wheat field
and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as
large."
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."
The conversation has really gone south when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what the heck are those?"
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."
The conversation has really gone south when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what the heck are those?"
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
Texting for Elderly people
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friends Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
LWO - Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again
WTP - Where's the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!
BFF - Best Friends Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
LWO - Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again
WTP - Where's the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!
Test for Smart People
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you
whether you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each
answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!
1 How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator ?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend...except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.
Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
1 How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator ?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend...except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.
Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
What is an Irishman
An Irishman is a man who?
- May not believe there is a God, but is darn sure of the infallibility of the Pope...
- Won't eat meat on Friday, but will drink Jameson for breakfast.....
- Has great respect for the truth, he uses in emergencies...
- Sees things not as they are but the way they never will be.....
- Cries at sad movies, but cheers in battle....
- Hates the English, but reserves his cruelty for countryman....
- Gets more Irish the further he gets from Ireland.....
- Believes in civil rights, but not in his neighborhood...
- Believes to forgive is divine, therefore doesn't exercise it himself....
- Loves religion for its own sake, but also because it makes it so inconvenient for his neighbors....
- Scorns money, but worships those who have it...
- Considers any Irishman who achieves success to be a traitor...
Three Wishes of Irishman
An Irishman walking along the shore notices an old lamp lying among the
rocks.
He picks it up, rubs the dirt off of it and a genie comes out of the lamp.
The genie tells the Irishman he will grant him three wishes.
The Irishman says "Well first off, I'd like a bottle of Guinness that never goes dry".
"Done" says the genie, and the Irishman is holding a bottle of Guinness.
The Irishman promptly drinks it down and watches in delight as it magically fills back up.
Again he drinks it down and watches it fill up.
A third time he drinks it down, and by now the genie is becoming impatient.
"So what do you want for your other two wishes"? asks the irritated genie.
"Oh", replies the Irishman, "Just give me another two bottles like this one".
He picks it up, rubs the dirt off of it and a genie comes out of the lamp.
The genie tells the Irishman he will grant him three wishes.
The Irishman says "Well first off, I'd like a bottle of Guinness that never goes dry".
"Done" says the genie, and the Irishman is holding a bottle of Guinness.
The Irishman promptly drinks it down and watches in delight as it magically fills back up.
Again he drinks it down and watches it fill up.
A third time he drinks it down, and by now the genie is becoming impatient.
"So what do you want for your other two wishes"? asks the irritated genie.
"Oh", replies the Irishman, "Just give me another two bottles like this one".
Fuss Over Wife
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob went
straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went
straight to
his wife, gave her a hug, and told her how beautiful she was and how
much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he
complimented his
wife on her cooking, kissed her, and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago. It had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.
Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her, and told her that he loved her.
His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago. It had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.
Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her, and told her that he loved her.
His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"
Barbeque Season
The summer brings with it the Barbeque
season. It is significant to note the etiquette of this sublime outdoor
cooking as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.
When a man volunteers to do the Barbeque, usually on a weekend, the following chain of events are put into motion:
Barbeque Routine
1) The wife buys the food.
2) The wife makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3) The wife prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the husband who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
Here comes the important part:
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
More routine....
5) The wife goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6) The wife comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
Important again:
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the wife.
More routine.....
8) The wife prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the wife clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks his wife how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....
Confidentially
A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with.
Sir, she said, I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone or I'll bust. She told him the news that the doctor had told her about being pregnant.
The man shared her enthusiam as he shared his expierence. He said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had layed eggs. He was so happy he added, "but confidentially, I changed cocks."
The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially, me too."
Sir, she said, I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone or I'll bust. She told him the news that the doctor had told her about being pregnant.
The man shared her enthusiam as he shared his expierence. He said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had layed eggs. He was so happy he added, "but confidentially, I changed cocks."
The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially, me too."
What kind of Facebooker are you
1. Over Photo Editors
2. Extremely Frequent Status Updaters
3. Page Likers
4. Attention Seekers
5. Wall Posters
6. Farmvillers
7. Cars For Profile Picturers
8. Depressing Status Updaters
9. Spammers
10. Swearers
11. Constant Status Likers
12. Stalkers
13. Fake Relationship Statusers
14. Inboxers
15. Chatters
16. Pokers
17. Guys Who Take Photos In Mirrors
18. People Who Cant Spell
19. Song Lyrics For Status Makers
20. Over Reactors
Who Are you?
2. Extremely Frequent Status Updaters
3. Page Likers
4. Attention Seekers
5. Wall Posters
6. Farmvillers
7. Cars For Profile Picturers
8. Depressing Status Updaters
9. Spammers
10. Swearers
11. Constant Status Likers
12. Stalkers
13. Fake Relationship Statusers
14. Inboxers
15. Chatters
16. Pokers
17. Guys Who Take Photos In Mirrors
18. People Who Cant Spell
19. Song Lyrics For Status Makers
20. Over Reactors
Who Are you?
What are my chances of survival?
Fred was admitted to a hospital for a cerebral aneurysm surgery. Just before the operation, a worried Fred asked the doctor, "I heard this operation is highly risky. What are my chances of survival?"
The Surgeon replied: "I'm absolutely positive that you will survive the operation."
Fred, a little relieved, but still in doubt, asked, "How can you be so sure?"
The Surgeon said, "Four out of five patients die in this operation, and last week, my fourth patient died."
The Surgeon replied: "I'm absolutely positive that you will survive the operation."
Fred, a little relieved, but still in doubt, asked, "How can you be so sure?"
The Surgeon said, "Four out of five patients die in this operation, and last week, my fourth patient died."
Old Soldiers
1. Can cuss for a full ten minutes without ever repeating a word.
2. Know that “Cav” is an abnormal condition that can be cured with testosterone shots.
3. Can remember when there were real NCOs in the Army.
4. Will fight with bayonets and E-tools just to save ammo.
5. Wear Corcoran jump boots in garrison just in case they have to kick the shit out of some loudmouthed MP.
6. Have eyes in the backs of their heads.
7. Can see in the dark.
8. Would rather be a squad leader than a general.
9. Have wet dreams about leading a parachute assault on Baghdad.
10. Still don’t trust the Russians.
11. Still hate the French.
12. Will take vacation time just to make a pilgrimage to see Iron Mike.
13. Know who Iron Mike is.
14. Don’t give a damn about being politically correct.
15. Don’t know how to be politically correct.
16. Think that “politically correct” should fall under “sodomy” in the UCMJ.
17. Love deploying to combat because there’s less paperwork.
18. Can be found eating and bunking with the troops.
19. Can remember the “daily dozen.”
20. Can remember running PT in boots.
21. Have enough “fruit salad” on their greens to be Mexican field marshals.
22. Have enough time in service to retire as captains.
23. Think it’s cool to teach their kids how to do “SPORTS.”
24. Do not fear women in the military.
25. Would actually like to date GI Jane.
26. Are convinced that “wall-to-wall counseling” really works.
27. Think that Bradley crewmen are emasculated infantrymen.
28. Know that tankers exist in order to allow the enemy to deplete its basic load of sabot ammunition.
29. Know where the “Green Ramp” is.
30. Can remember who their “Ranger Buddy” was.
31. Know that there’s a difference between “giving orders” and “going through the orders process.”
32. Think that “slides” involve ropes and snap links.
33. Don’t like taking orders from a guy who couldn’t get a DD 214.
34. Still know how to PMCS a buffer.
35. Can field strip an M1 Garand, although an M14 is an authorized substitute.
36. Believe that they do have a rendezvous with destiny.
37. Know that most of life’s problems can be solved by applying the eight steady hold factors.
38. Know that the US Military was too stupid to have assassinated Kennedy.
39. Believe that “Nuts” wasn’t exactly all that BG McAuliffe said to the Krauts at Bastogne.
40. Think that we should develop nuke rounds for the M203.
41. Know the true meaning of the word Hooah.
42. Want both “Cross of Iron” and “Saving Private Ryan” to be training films.
43. Don’t know how to use a “stress card.”
44. Idolize John Wayne.
45. Know why you should carry two field dressings on your LBE.
46. Would rather have a “mad minute” than a “VTC.”
47. Shudder when they hear “Garry Owen.”
48. Know that the vertical buttstroke is not a sexual position.
49. Don’t believe that “AAFES” needs a “commander.”
50. Don’t need “leadership tabs” to know when they’re in charge.
51. Can pass a PT test slobbering drunk.
52. Can remember when two boys in bed together was wrong.
53. Don’t have to “do a Lewinski” to get a “one block.”
54. Don’t give a damn if they get a “one block.”
55. Won’t brief it if it’s too complicated to fit on a few 3 x 5 cards.
56. Would have paid money to watch Custer getting his clock cleaned.
57. Believe troops don’t really want the “Single Soldier Initiative.”
58. Really don’t like taking crap from those who haven’t “been there.”
59. Believe that “RHIP” was invented by individuals who couldn’t lead their way out of a field latrine.
60. Know how to properly construct a field latrine.
61. Can set the headspace and timing on a “fifty” by touch alone.
62. Know how to do a “daisy chain.”
63. Enjoy heating MREs with C4.
64. Might admire the Germans, but still realize they got their asses kicked.
65. Aren’t afraid of the Chinese, who probably still don’t have enough rowboats to invade Taiwan.
66. Would rather be OPFOR than MOPP4.
67. Know that the new OER system is as screwed up as the old one.
68. Think that the neutron bomb would be appropriate for the Bosnia scenario.
69. Realize that Reagan won the Gulf War.
70. Don’t believe a damn thing the Iraqis say.
71. Want to be like Teddy Roosevelt.
72. Love the smell of napalm in the morning.
73. Know that “napalm” is really called “incendi-gel.”
74. Don’t need a GPS to find themselves.
75. Think of Army aviators as guys who wear pajamas to work.
76. Know that it really is possible to crawl inside a Kevlar when someone’s shooting at you.
77. Have enough extra TA-50 in their closets to start a surplus store.
78. Would love to own their own HMMWV.
79. Believe that SMA McKinney got caught.
80. Think that MREs taste good.
81. Would like to see what kind of creature “ham and chicken loaf” comes from.
82. Realize that there were no starving people in Somalia.
83. Can remember open bay barracks.
84. Believe that “combat power on the objective” is a bunch of crap.
85. Believe that killing the enemy isn’t.
86. Know that “accuracy counts,” especially in combat.
87. Know the Ranger Creed by heart.
88. Still have jungle fatigues in their closets.
89. Never count on the artillery in a clutch.
90. Believe that terrorists can be taken care of for 32 cents each (the cost of a 9mm round).
91. Would love to go to sniper school.
92. Have more time on a static line than most other soldiers have in the chow line.
93. Know what a “link count” is.94. Realize that volleyball is the most important subject taught at CAS3.
95. Know that it’s not real coffee if you can’t stand a track jack up in it.
96. Don’t need a “MCOO” to know where the enemy will come from.
97. Remember when the “men were men” and the “women were women.”
98. Don’t blame poor marksmanship on their M16.
99. Know that crappy leaders will always say they have crappy soldiers.
2. Know that “Cav” is an abnormal condition that can be cured with testosterone shots.
3. Can remember when there were real NCOs in the Army.
4. Will fight with bayonets and E-tools just to save ammo.
5. Wear Corcoran jump boots in garrison just in case they have to kick the shit out of some loudmouthed MP.
6. Have eyes in the backs of their heads.
7. Can see in the dark.
8. Would rather be a squad leader than a general.
9. Have wet dreams about leading a parachute assault on Baghdad.
10. Still don’t trust the Russians.
11. Still hate the French.
12. Will take vacation time just to make a pilgrimage to see Iron Mike.
13. Know who Iron Mike is.
14. Don’t give a damn about being politically correct.
15. Don’t know how to be politically correct.
16. Think that “politically correct” should fall under “sodomy” in the UCMJ.
17. Love deploying to combat because there’s less paperwork.
18. Can be found eating and bunking with the troops.
19. Can remember the “daily dozen.”
20. Can remember running PT in boots.
21. Have enough “fruit salad” on their greens to be Mexican field marshals.
22. Have enough time in service to retire as captains.
23. Think it’s cool to teach their kids how to do “SPORTS.”
24. Do not fear women in the military.
25. Would actually like to date GI Jane.
26. Are convinced that “wall-to-wall counseling” really works.
27. Think that Bradley crewmen are emasculated infantrymen.
28. Know that tankers exist in order to allow the enemy to deplete its basic load of sabot ammunition.
29. Know where the “Green Ramp” is.
30. Can remember who their “Ranger Buddy” was.
31. Know that there’s a difference between “giving orders” and “going through the orders process.”
32. Think that “slides” involve ropes and snap links.
33. Don’t like taking orders from a guy who couldn’t get a DD 214.
34. Still know how to PMCS a buffer.
35. Can field strip an M1 Garand, although an M14 is an authorized substitute.
36. Believe that they do have a rendezvous with destiny.
37. Know that most of life’s problems can be solved by applying the eight steady hold factors.
38. Know that the US Military was too stupid to have assassinated Kennedy.
39. Believe that “Nuts” wasn’t exactly all that BG McAuliffe said to the Krauts at Bastogne.
40. Think that we should develop nuke rounds for the M203.
41. Know the true meaning of the word Hooah.
42. Want both “Cross of Iron” and “Saving Private Ryan” to be training films.
43. Don’t know how to use a “stress card.”
44. Idolize John Wayne.
45. Know why you should carry two field dressings on your LBE.
46. Would rather have a “mad minute” than a “VTC.”
47. Shudder when they hear “Garry Owen.”
48. Know that the vertical buttstroke is not a sexual position.
49. Don’t believe that “AAFES” needs a “commander.”
50. Don’t need “leadership tabs” to know when they’re in charge.
51. Can pass a PT test slobbering drunk.
52. Can remember when two boys in bed together was wrong.
53. Don’t have to “do a Lewinski” to get a “one block.”
54. Don’t give a damn if they get a “one block.”
55. Won’t brief it if it’s too complicated to fit on a few 3 x 5 cards.
56. Would have paid money to watch Custer getting his clock cleaned.
57. Believe troops don’t really want the “Single Soldier Initiative.”
58. Really don’t like taking crap from those who haven’t “been there.”
59. Believe that “RHIP” was invented by individuals who couldn’t lead their way out of a field latrine.
60. Know how to properly construct a field latrine.
61. Can set the headspace and timing on a “fifty” by touch alone.
62. Know how to do a “daisy chain.”
63. Enjoy heating MREs with C4.
64. Might admire the Germans, but still realize they got their asses kicked.
65. Aren’t afraid of the Chinese, who probably still don’t have enough rowboats to invade Taiwan.
66. Would rather be OPFOR than MOPP4.
67. Know that the new OER system is as screwed up as the old one.
68. Think that the neutron bomb would be appropriate for the Bosnia scenario.
69. Realize that Reagan won the Gulf War.
70. Don’t believe a damn thing the Iraqis say.
71. Want to be like Teddy Roosevelt.
72. Love the smell of napalm in the morning.
73. Know that “napalm” is really called “incendi-gel.”
74. Don’t need a GPS to find themselves.
75. Think of Army aviators as guys who wear pajamas to work.
76. Know that it really is possible to crawl inside a Kevlar when someone’s shooting at you.
77. Have enough extra TA-50 in their closets to start a surplus store.
78. Would love to own their own HMMWV.
79. Believe that SMA McKinney got caught.
80. Think that MREs taste good.
81. Would like to see what kind of creature “ham and chicken loaf” comes from.
82. Realize that there were no starving people in Somalia.
83. Can remember open bay barracks.
84. Believe that “combat power on the objective” is a bunch of crap.
85. Believe that killing the enemy isn’t.
86. Know that “accuracy counts,” especially in combat.
87. Know the Ranger Creed by heart.
88. Still have jungle fatigues in their closets.
89. Never count on the artillery in a clutch.
90. Believe that terrorists can be taken care of for 32 cents each (the cost of a 9mm round).
91. Would love to go to sniper school.
92. Have more time on a static line than most other soldiers have in the chow line.
93. Know what a “link count” is.94. Realize that volleyball is the most important subject taught at CAS3.
95. Know that it’s not real coffee if you can’t stand a track jack up in it.
96. Don’t need a “MCOO” to know where the enemy will come from.
97. Remember when the “men were men” and the “women were women.”
98. Don’t blame poor marksmanship on their M16.
99. Know that crappy leaders will always say they have crappy soldiers.
Rowdy Students
While visiting the East Street School in
the country, the chairman of the Board of governors became agitated by
the ruckus made by rowdy students in the adjoining room.
Fuming, he opened the door and dragged out one of the taller boys who seemed to be doing most of the talking. He then took the boy to the next room and asked him to stand in a corner.
A couple of minutes later, a little boy stuck his head in the room and begged, "Sir, can we have our teacher back please?"
Fuming, he opened the door and dragged out one of the taller boys who seemed to be doing most of the talking. He then took the boy to the next room and asked him to stand in a corner.
A couple of minutes later, a little boy stuck his head in the room and begged, "Sir, can we have our teacher back please?"
What is the Secret
Emma, Olivia and Wilma were neighbors in a small town in Sweden. They would often gossip while hanging their laundry out in the backyard.
When it rained, however, the laundry would always get wet - all the washed clothes, except for Wilma's. Emma and Olivia would be amazed by the fact that Wilma never had her laundry out on the days it rained.
One day, when they were all out in the backyard putting their washed clothes on the line, Emma asked Wilma,"How is it when it rains, your clothes are never out?"
"I'll tell you a secret," said Wilma, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Sven. If his dingaling is hanging over his right leg, I know it will be a warm day, and I can hang out the clothes. If his dingaling is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the laundry."
"What if he is erect?" asked Olivia.
"Darling," said Wilma, "Who wants to do laundry on a day like that?"
When it rained, however, the laundry would always get wet - all the washed clothes, except for Wilma's. Emma and Olivia would be amazed by the fact that Wilma never had her laundry out on the days it rained.
One day, when they were all out in the backyard putting their washed clothes on the line, Emma asked Wilma,"How is it when it rains, your clothes are never out?"
"I'll tell you a secret," said Wilma, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Sven. If his dingaling is hanging over his right leg, I know it will be a warm day, and I can hang out the clothes. If his dingaling is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the laundry."
"What if he is erect?" asked Olivia.
"Darling," said Wilma, "Who wants to do laundry on a day like that?"
Lesson in Logic
A fresh computer graduate from a world- class University, goes for an interview in a software company.
The interviewer is a grubby old man. And the first question he asks Fresh Computer Graduate is, 'Are you good at logic?'
'Of course,' replies Fresh Computer Graduate.
'Let me test you,' replies Interviewer. 'Two men come down a chimney. One comes with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one would wash his face?'
Fresh Computer Graduate stares at Interviewer. 'Is that a test in Logic?' Interviewer nods.
'The one with the dirty face washes his face', Fresh Computer Graduate answers wearily.
'Wrong. The one with the clean face washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. So, the one with the clean face washes his face.'
'Hmm. I never thought of that," says Fresh Computer Graduate. 'Give me another test.'
Interviewer holds up two fingers, 'Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?'
'We have already established that. The one with the clean face washes his face.'
'Wrong. Each one washes one's face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. So, the one with the clean face washes his face. When the one with the dirty face sees the one with the clean face washing his face, he also washes his face. So each one washes one's face.'
'I didn't think of that!' says Fresh Computer Graduate. 'It's shocking to me that I could make an error in logic. Test me again!'
Interviewer holds up two fingers, 'Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?'
'Each one washes his face.'
'Wrong. Neither one washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. But when the one with clean face sees that the one with the dirty face doesn't wash his face, he also doesn't wash his face. So neither one washes his face.'
Fresh Computer Graduate is desperate. 'I am qualified for this job. Please give me one more test!'
He groans when Interviewer lifts his two fingers, 'Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?'
'Neither one washes his face', Fresh Computer Graduate replies, 'I have learnt this logic.'
'Wrong, again. Do you now see, Fresh Computer Graduate, why programming knowledge is insufficient for this job? Tell me, how is it possible for two men to come down the same chimney, and for one to come out with a clean face and the other with a dirty face? Don't you see the flaw in the premise?
The interviewer is a grubby old man. And the first question he asks Fresh Computer Graduate is, 'Are you good at logic?'
'Of course,' replies Fresh Computer Graduate.
'Let me test you,' replies Interviewer. 'Two men come down a chimney. One comes with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one would wash his face?'
Fresh Computer Graduate stares at Interviewer. 'Is that a test in Logic?' Interviewer nods.
'The one with the dirty face washes his face', Fresh Computer Graduate answers wearily.
'Wrong. The one with the clean face washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. So, the one with the clean face washes his face.'
'Hmm. I never thought of that," says Fresh Computer Graduate. 'Give me another test.'
Interviewer holds up two fingers, 'Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?'
'We have already established that. The one with the clean face washes his face.'
'Wrong. Each one washes one's face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. So, the one with the clean face washes his face. When the one with the dirty face sees the one with the clean face washing his face, he also washes his face. So each one washes one's face.'
'I didn't think of that!' says Fresh Computer Graduate. 'It's shocking to me that I could make an error in logic. Test me again!'
Interviewer holds up two fingers, 'Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?'
'Each one washes his face.'
'Wrong. Neither one washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. But when the one with clean face sees that the one with the dirty face doesn't wash his face, he also doesn't wash his face. So neither one washes his face.'
Fresh Computer Graduate is desperate. 'I am qualified for this job. Please give me one more test!'
He groans when Interviewer lifts his two fingers, 'Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?'
'Neither one washes his face', Fresh Computer Graduate replies, 'I have learnt this logic.'
'Wrong, again. Do you now see, Fresh Computer Graduate, why programming knowledge is insufficient for this job? Tell me, how is it possible for two men to come down the same chimney, and for one to come out with a clean face and the other with a dirty face? Don't you see the flaw in the premise?
When can I resume having sex with my wife?
An elderly patient about to be discharged from the hospital raised a
question with his doctor, "Doctor, When can I resume having sex with my
wife?"
The doctor thought for a minute and said, "Well, it depends- when did you last have it?" The patient says, "I am not sure, I'll call my wife and check." The patient call and asks his wife, "Honey, when did we last have sex?" The wife replies, "May I know, who is calling?"
The doctor thought for a minute and said, "Well, it depends- when did you last have it?" The patient says, "I am not sure, I'll call my wife and check." The patient call and asks his wife, "Honey, when did we last have sex?" The wife replies, "May I know, who is calling?"
Captain and Sinking Ship
A
deluxe cruise liner was sinking. The captain had to persuade the
passengers of every country very tactfully to jump into the sea.
He told the American, "You'll be a Hero if you jump into the sea."
He told the English, "a gentleman would certainly jump into the sea."
He told the German, "It's a rule to jump into the sea in such conditions."
He told the Italian, "Women will admire you if you jump into the sea."
He told the French, "Do not jump into the sea."
He told the Japanese, "Look, every passenger is jumping into the sea."
He told the American, "You'll be a Hero if you jump into the sea."
He told the English, "a gentleman would certainly jump into the sea."
He told the German, "It's a rule to jump into the sea in such conditions."
He told the Italian, "Women will admire you if you jump into the sea."
He told the French, "Do not jump into the sea."
He told the Japanese, "Look, every passenger is jumping into the sea."
Big Breaths
A well-endowed adolescent girl has severe cold and goes to see a doctor for examination.
The doctor who was standing behind the girl, leaned over her shoulder with a stethoscope to his ears and said, "Big breaths".
The young girl, hesitated for a moment, and then replied, "I know, and to think I'm only 13!"
The doctor who was standing behind the girl, leaned over her shoulder with a stethoscope to his ears and said, "Big breaths".
The young girl, hesitated for a moment, and then replied, "I know, and to think I'm only 13!"
The Factory Bell
Joe was an American manufacturer of
machine parts. He had a prospective customer from Albania visiting him
for imports of machinery to his country and Joe was showing him around
his factory.
At noon, the lunch bell rang, and eight hundred workers immediately stopped work and left the building.
"Your workers are escaping!" cried the Albanian visitor. "You must stop them."
"They will come back, nothing to worry," said Joe. And indeed, after an hour, the bell rang again, and all the workers returned from their break.
After the orientation, Joe turns to his guest and says, "Would you like to place an order for any of these machines?"
"Forget the machines," says the guest. "How much do you want for that bell?"
At noon, the lunch bell rang, and eight hundred workers immediately stopped work and left the building.
"Your workers are escaping!" cried the Albanian visitor. "You must stop them."
"They will come back, nothing to worry," said Joe. And indeed, after an hour, the bell rang again, and all the workers returned from their break.
After the orientation, Joe turns to his guest and says, "Would you like to place an order for any of these machines?"
"Forget the machines," says the guest. "How much do you want for that bell?"
Conan O'Connor
Conan O'Connor was considered the most clever man in Ireland.
He had won many quiz shows and was encouraged by family and friends to enter the English Mastermind Championships.
He applied and was selected. On they eve of the competition, Conan places himself on the hot seat with the spot light on his face.
The quiz-master asked says, 'What subject are you studying?'
Conan answered, 'Irish History'.
'All right,' says the quiz-master, 'Your first Question: in what year did the 'Easter Rising take Place?'
Conan says, 'Pass.'
'OK,' says the quiz-master, 'Who was the Leader of the Easter Rising?'
Conan answers, 'Pass.'
'All right,' says the quiz-master, 'How long did the Easter Rising Last?'
Conan again says, 'Pass,'
Instantly, a voice shouts from the audience, 'Good man Conan....tell the English nothing....'
He had won many quiz shows and was encouraged by family and friends to enter the English Mastermind Championships.
He applied and was selected. On they eve of the competition, Conan places himself on the hot seat with the spot light on his face.
The quiz-master asked says, 'What subject are you studying?'
Conan answered, 'Irish History'.
'All right,' says the quiz-master, 'Your first Question: in what year did the 'Easter Rising take Place?'
Conan says, 'Pass.'
'OK,' says the quiz-master, 'Who was the Leader of the Easter Rising?'
Conan answers, 'Pass.'
'All right,' says the quiz-master, 'How long did the Easter Rising Last?'
Conan again says, 'Pass,'
Instantly, a voice shouts from the audience, 'Good man Conan....tell the English nothing....'
I've got trouble down here
Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost
ball.
After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in the hands of a skeleton!
Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"
"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.
"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"
After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in the hands of a skeleton!
Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"
"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.
"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"
Playing Doctor for an Hour
Steve complained to his friend Al that lovemaking with his wife was
becoming routine and boring.
"Get creative buddy. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing doctor for an hour?"
"Sounds great," Steve replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"
"Hell, just keep her in the waiting room for 45 minutes!"
"Get creative buddy. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing doctor for an hour?"
"Sounds great," Steve replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"
"Hell, just keep her in the waiting room for 45 minutes!"
Used Car
A cop was making his evening rounds in the city. He came across a used
automobiles lot and noticed two old women sitting in a used car. He
stopped and make inquiries with them why they were sitting there in the
car. He was concerned if they were trying to steal it.
One of the old ladies replied, "What are you saying officer.... we just bought it."
The cop asked, "Then why don't you drive it away."
One of the ladies replied "We can't drive."
The cop asked, "Then why did you buy it?"
The old lady said, "We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed...so we're just waiting."
One of the old ladies replied, "What are you saying officer.... we just bought it."
The cop asked, "Then why don't you drive it away."
One of the ladies replied "We can't drive."
The cop asked, "Then why did you buy it?"
The old lady said, "We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed...so we're just waiting."
Birth control pills
A blonde couple - Brenda and her husband, Joe go to their pharmacist and
begin to ask questions like if the pharmacy checks for medications past
their expiration date and the reliability of a certain manufacturer
that makes birth control pills. After answering their queries, the
pharmacist asks them what is wrong. Brenda explains, "I have been using
birth control pills and despite that, I continue to get pregnant."
The pharmacist is astonished and asks Brenda if she takes the pills every day.
Brenda replies, "My husband Joe takes them every day."
"Why???" the pharmacist looks questioningly at the blonde couple.
"Oh, after we read all those possible side-effects, Joe offered 'Listen honey... I don't want you taking that stuff.. it's too dangerous.....let ME take them.' "
The pharmacist is astonished and asks Brenda if she takes the pills every day.
Brenda replies, "My husband Joe takes them every day."
"Why???" the pharmacist looks questioningly at the blonde couple.
"Oh, after we read all those possible side-effects, Joe offered 'Listen honey... I don't want you taking that stuff.. it's too dangerous.....let ME take them.' "
Late night news
In America the late night news used to broadcast this message:
"It's 11 o'clock do you know where your children are?
In England they say
"Its 11 o'clock do you know where your wife is?
In France they say
"It's 11o'clock do you know where your husband is?"
In Poland they say
"It's 11 o'clock do you know what time it is?"
"It's 11 o'clock do you know where your children are?
In England they say
"Its 11 o'clock do you know where your wife is?
In France they say
"It's 11o'clock do you know where your husband is?"
In Poland they say
"It's 11 o'clock do you know what time it is?"
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