Barracks Door

General Smith got himself a new secretary.
She was young, sweet and very polite.
One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly open.
When leaving the room she said, “General Smith, your barracks door is open.”
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.
He decided to have some fun with his secretary.
Calling her in he asked, “By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you notice a soldier standing at attention?”
The secretary, who was quite witty replied, “Why no, sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.

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The Hazards of Kicking the Cat

There was a little boy with a bad attitude.
He was at home one day doing his chores. He was feeding the chickens and he got mad and kicked one across the yard.
He was feeding the hogs and got mad and kicked the hell out of one of them also.
He was milking the cow and it kept hitting him in the face with its tail so he kicked it, too.
His mom had been watching him and told him he couldn't have any chicken, beef, or pork for a month because he was a mean little bastard.
She told him to wait 'til his dad got home.
His dad came home and tripped over the pussy cat and he got mad and kicked that cat across the room.
The little boy looked at his mom and said, "Are you going to tell him or am I?"

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Annoying Lawyer

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The lawyer asked him, "Did you actually see the accident?"
The witness: "Yes, sir."

The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"
The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."

The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"
The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some annoying lawyer would ask me that question."

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A Blind Man at a Restaurant

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macarroni and chesse with broccoli. Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

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I screw anybody, any time

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink. walking up behind her he says, "Hi There! Good looking! How's it going?"

She, Having already downed a few power drinks, turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said: "Listen! I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, front door, back door, it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat-ass love it!"

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?

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Hurricane Helga

A guy walks into a whore house and says, "I have been out at sea for a whole f*cking year, I want the wildest craziest wh*re you've got!"

The madam says, "that would be Hurricane Helga up in 4B."

So the guy goes up and knocks on 4B. The door suddenly opens and he is yanked inside. The lady in the room starts screaming at the top of her lungs in his ear.

"WHAT YOU HEAR IS THE WIND OF HURRICANE HELGA!"

She then grabs him and throws him on the bed, strips off her clothes, jumps naked up on the bed straddling him and begins to jump up and down "WHAT YOU FEEL IS HURRICANE HELGA SHAKING THE GROUND BENEATH YOU!

Then she sits on his chest and starts whipping him in the face with her huge t*ts back and forth, over and over. "WHAT YOU FEEL IS THE FORCE OF HURRICANE HELGA KNOCKING THE COCONUTS OUT OF THE TREES!"

The guy bolts right out of bed for the door. Hurricane Helga says,"Where are you going sweety?"

"Hey", says the guy, "There's no way that I can f*ck in this kind of weather!"

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Breast Enlargement

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of automatically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion:
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of  toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and I stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I ask.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your @ss, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of physical therapy, he may even walk again.
Stupid, stupid man.

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What do you use to feed your pigs?

There was a farmer who had a herd of pigs. One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer: "What do you use to feed your pigs?"

"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?"

"Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes." Then he fined the farmer.

Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The farmer answered: "Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak...why?"

"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat." And he fined the farmer.

Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question. The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes: "Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."

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It's not a big deal but it feels good

A man comes home from work one day and he says to his wife, "Honey, I got a new secretary, and imagine what happened! She's got a red and white bra. You know, these are the colors of my favorite football team. Anyway, it's not a big deal but it feels good."

The next day when they come home his wife asks, "How was your day?"
The man say, "Fantastic! It's not only her bra that is red and white but also her panties. You know it's not a big deal but it really feels good!"

The third day they meet at home after work and now the man asks his wife, "And what happened today in your office, honey?"

She says, "Oh, nothing special, sweetheart. I got a new boss today. His dick is two inches longer than yours. You know it's not a big deal but, hell, it feels good!"

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Why the Head of a Penis was bigger than the rest of it

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the Head of a Penis was bigger than the rest of it.

After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

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What does time matter to a pig?

On a drive in the country, a city slicker noticed a farmer lifting a pig up to an apple tree and holding the pig there as it ate one apple after another.

"Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about," said the city slicker, "but if you just shook the tree so the apples fell to the ground, wouldn't it save a lot of time?"

"Time?" said the farmer. "What does time matter to a pig?"

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"Darling am I the first man to make love to you ?"

The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake, and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby.

One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper,
"Darling am I the first man to make love to you ?"

Her tone upon answering was slightly more than irritable.
"Of course you are!" she said.
"And also the best too.
I don't know why you men always ask the same old ridiculous questions."

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