Happy New Year

Wish you All a Very
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happy new year 
now stop staring and get back to work !!!!!

According to the box

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, skating...."

Christmas Q&A

Q. What do you get if you cross mistletoe and a duck?
A. A Christmas Quacker.

Q. What do call Santa when he stops moving?
A. Santa Pause!

Q. Where does a snowman keep his money?
A. In a snow bank.

Q. Why do mummies like Christmas so much?
A. Because of all the wrapping!

Q. What goes in a chimney red and comes out of it black?
A. Santa Claus.

Q. What's white and red and goes up and down and up and down?
A. Santa Claus in an elevator!

Q. How do you scare a snowman?
A. You get a hairdryer!

Q. What do they sing under the ocean during the winter?
A. Christmas Corals!

Q. How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
A. Nothing, it was on the house!

Q. What is invisible and smells like milk and cookies?
A. Santa's burps!

Q. What do snowmen do on Christmas?
A. Play with the snow angels.

Q. Who says "Oh, Oh, Oh!"?
A. Santa walking backwards!

Q. What nationality is Santa Claus?
A. North Polish.

Q. How did the sheep say Merry Christmas?
A. "Fleece Avoided."

Q. What do you call a Santa that sleeps all the time?
A. Santa snores!

Q. Why was Santa's helper depressed?
A. He had low ELF-esteem.

Q. What's a good holiday tip?
A. Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.

Q. What Christmas carol is a favorite of parents?
A. Silent Night.

Q. What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A. A puddle!

Q. What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A. Frosted Flakes.

Q. Why does Santa have three gardens ?
A. So he can go HOE HOE HOE.

Q. Why did Sponge Bob have a great Christmas?
A. Because he kissed a Krabby Patty.

Q. What does Santa clean his sleigh with?
A. Comet.

Q. What do you get when you deep fry Santa Claus?
A. Crisp Kringle.

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
A. Frostbite.

Constipation problem

An old woman went to see her doctor about her constipation problem.

"It's horrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."

"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.

"Yes, doctor," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a 20 minutes in the morning and again at night."

"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"

"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."

Many definitions of Marriage

[1] the dawn of romance and the commencement of history;

[2] a word that should be pronounced as "mirage";

[3] an event, for the upper middle class, is the only adventure left;

[4] a very good way to promote civilization -- if you get a good wife you will be happy, if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher {Socrates}

[5] a process much like a cafeteria -- you carefully look over the choices, select what looks the best - and pay later;

[6] an event which is called "tying the knot" -- unfortunately, the knot can be a noose;

[7] a word which always means commitment -- but so does insanity;

[8] a ceremony favoured in England -- it's the only way to beat their cold winters and lack of central heating;

[9] something that changes the demeanour of a driver -- there is no longer any effort needed to keep both hands on the wheel;

[10] the only permanent cure for love;

[11] is only compatible when the man makes a living and his wife makes living worthwhile;

[12] the only adventure open to the cowardly;

[13] something which is called a feast -- unfortunately, sometimes the appetizer is better than the main course;

[14] a group which consists of: a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two;

[15] the alliance of two people, one who never remembers birthdays, and the other who never forgets them;

[16] the process that turns a female from an attraction into a distraction;

[17] a legal custom which turns a man into the captive audience of his wife;

[18] that ceremony which makes more strange bedfellows than politics;

[19] occurs where a man gets hooked by his own line;

[20] a rite where two people, under the influence most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal and exhausting condition until death do them part

Online Dating Reality Check

If your gut has ever told you that an online dating site profile you’ve read was full of sh*t… you were most likely right. Women fudge their profiles big time, but you can stay one step ahead of them by knowing the truth behind what their profiles say.

Occasional smoker” – If she could fit an entire pack of cigarettes in her mouth, light it on fire, and inhale until her lungs explode… she would. And she would then proceed to spend the Linkrest of her non-smoking time yammering on about how she needs to quit smoking once and for all, and this time she means it!

Occasional drinker” - She’s the one at parties that spends the first half of the night bent back with a funnel full of 140 proof whiskey being tossed down her pie hole; and the second half with her fat and only friend holding her hair back while she projectile vomits into the host’s shower stall.

I like to have fun” – Means she never has any fun, has no friends or hobbies, and hopes you’re going to introduce her to all of your fun friends and take her to all of your fun parties and events so she can finally have a life.

I’m goal oriented” - She will tell you every day about her desperate desires for a better job, and complain that she is above her current job, but will never actually get a better job because she enjoys whining about her current pathetic state of affairs too much.

Looking for a committed relationship” - She is severely insecure and will prove it to you by asking you about every single place you go, person you see and web site you visit, bar none. She would implant a GPS tracking device in your neck if she could… sleep tight!

Body Size: Average” – The rolls of fat hanging out the sides of her shirt that are remarkably similar in appearance to when you pop open a new pack of unbaked Pillsbury bread sticks “are natural and you’re just going to have to accept them” (along with their ever increasing growth in size).

Height: Prefer Not To Say”- She’s either troll short with those stumpy little legs swishing together as she walks trying to keep up with you; or so tall that unless you’re Shaq it would be like f*cking a giraffe.

I am career minded” - Every day she will fill you in on every microscopic, mind numbingly boring, blow by blow description of her monotonous low-paying job in such painstaking detail that you will be rummaging through the closets and drawers for something to hang yourself with.

Likes to travel”- Everyone loves to travel. But when she says it, it means she enjoyed that trip to Disney Land Florida with her folks when she was twelve. She’ll then drone on about all the places she wants to go to, but never will. Like all inclusive trips to Cuba where she can discover her alcoholic binge drinking tendencies and rendezvous with strange men for unbridled promiscuous sex in your absence.

He must be well off” - She doesn’t in fact make any money herself, but has spectacularly expensive taste and needs someone else to shovel an endless supply of cash her way so that she can explore the deepest and darkest corners of her consumerism fantasies without restraint.

Sometimes I do drugs”- If you connected all the needle marks on that constellation of horrors on her arm, you could form a recreation of the Little Dipper! If you do meet her in person and she gives you a fantastic bl*w-job, you can thank her for her hours of practice on the glass pipe. But you won’t be thanking her for that weeping puss filled blister at the tip of your prick.

The seven kinds of passionate women

1.The Optimist
- "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

2.The Pessimist
- "No! No! No!"

3.The Confused
- "Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! Yes! No! No!"

4.The Asthmatic
- written rendition of gasping

5.The Sprinter
- "Faster! Agh! Faster! Faster!"

6.The Religious
- "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!

7.The Mathematician
- "More! More! More! More!

Best Memory

A Man and his son were hiking in the grand canyon. The go around some bends, over some hills, and through some nooks. They round the bend and see a native American sitting on a rock.

The father points to the native American and says, "son, native Americans have the best memory of any peoples in the world."

The young son thinks he's quite the smart one and goes up to the native American and says, "What did you have for breakfast last Tuesday."

Without hesitation the Native American responds, "eggs." The son is impressed and goes on with the hike with his father.

30 years later the son is now a grown man, and is hiking the same trail with his own son. He goes around the same bends, over the same hills, and lo and behold, rounds the corner and there is that same native American on the same rock.

He's an older wiser man now, and will really test this native American. He walks up, raises his hand in greeting and says "HOW"

Native American responds, "Scrambled."

How low can you get!

A group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting. Their task for today is to each stand up in turn, speak their name and admit to their fellow inmates what crime they committed. The first prisoner stands and says “My name is Daniel and I’m in for murder.” Everyone gives him approving looks and pats on the back for admitting his wrongdoing.

The next guy stands up and says “My name is Mike and I’m in for armed robbery.” Again, there is a round of approving looks.

This goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy. He stands up and says “My name is Luke, but I’m not telling you what I’m in for.”

The group leader says “Now, come on Luke, you have to admit it to us to make any progress. Tell us what you did.”

“Alright then… I’m in for f*cking dogs.” Everyone is disgusted!

They shout “What!!?? How low can you get!”

To which Luke replies, “Well… I did manage do to a Dachshund one time, but I had to lift her back legs up a little.”

Don't be angry

A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair.

"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."

A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.

This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...

"Now she knows."

Senior Golfer

A young man who was an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried, and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home.

Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man leaned back on his golf bag and said, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only three feet tall."

How dare you fart?

While traveling cross country, a couple decided to stop for a cup of coffee in a local diner somewhere in Texas. While they were sitting at a booth near the counter sipping their coffee, a local cowboy stumbled in and headed for the closest stool at the counter. As he lifted his leg over the stool, he cut one of the loudest farts ever heard by a human. The tourist jumped up and screamed, "Sir, how dare you fart before my wife!"

The cowboy stopped, tipped his hat politely and said, "Beggin' yer pardon, ma'am...I didn't know we was a takin' turns."

Music saved my life

Little Noah came into the house with a new harmonica. "Grandpa, do you mind if I play this in here?"

"Of course not, Noah. I love music. In fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life."

"What happened?"

"Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam broke, and when the water hit our house, it knocked it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely."

"How about you?"

"Me? I accompanied her on the piano!"

You Better Be First One

A sailor in the Navy who had been at sea for a long time was anxious to be reunited with his girlfriend, so he sent her the following message a few days before his ship was due back in port: “I have missed you so much and I can’t wait to make love to you. I want you to come down to the pier to meet me, and I want you to bring the station wagon and have a mattress ready in the back so we can do “it” as soon as I step ashore.”

The young lady who was just as anxious to make love, sent him a reply: “I will get the station wagon ready as you said, but you had better be the first one off that ship, sailor, because I am not checking I.D. cards.”

Any questions?

The mess sergeant was lecturing about waste. “You men have got to make better use of our leftovers. For instance, what can we do with left-over carrots?”

Nothing but puzzled shrugs came from the men.

“OK, so you can’t figure R. You can make carrot pie. That’s what you can do with leftover carrots. Doesn’ it make sense?”

The sergeant paused to give them a chance to absorb his words. Then he asked, “Any questions?”

A hand was raised and a voice asked, “Sir, what can you do with the leftover pie?”

Dog Wars

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it’s cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it’s cage and charged the American dachshund.

But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund’s neck, the Dachshund opened it’s mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. “We don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.

“That’s nothing”, an American replied. “We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.

West German Army

In the Bundeswehr (West German army) a company of soldiers decided to have some fun with their company cook, a short, fat, very un-martial young man.

So every morning before he woke up, one of them would defecate into his boot. The amazing thing was that the cook accepted this treatment silently. Every morning he would clean out his boot and go to work as if nothing was wrong.

After several weeks of this, the soldiers began to tire of the game; it wasn’t very much fun because the cook never reacted, and they were beginning to feel guilty as well. So they sent a delegation to apologize to him and promise to mend their ways.

The cook heard them out, then said, “You are going to stop shitting in my boots? Fine, then I will stop pissing in your coffee.”

Conclusion?

Martin goes to the church and meets the priest. The priest asks about Martin’s welfare and Martin says: “Father, I am all confused and scared.”

Father: “Why Martin, what’s going on?”

Martin: “My wife is trying to kill me. She is giving me poison.”

Father: “That can’t be true. You are imagining things Martin. However, if it gives you any solace, I will talk to your wife and I am sure we will find out the truth. Together we will come out of it. Come to me on next Sunday after sermon.”

Came Sunday and Martin went to see the Father.

Father: “Well now Martin, I spoke to your wife at length on two occasions for more than five hours. You want to hear my conclusion?”

Martin: “Yes father.”

Father: “Take that poison.”

Irish Girl Sun Bathing

funny picture

Many Types Of Orgasms

  • Sex in a boat = oar-gasms
  • Sex with a nerd = dork-gasms
  • Sex with a dermatologist = pore-gasms
  • Sex at the entrance to your house = door-gasms
  • Sex on carpet or linoleum = floor-gasms
  • Sex at the supermarket = store-gasms
  • Sex with a prostitute = wh*re-gasms
  • Sex with an accountant = bore-gasms
  • Sex while sleeping = snore-gasms
  • Sex with a salesmen = door-to-doorgasms
  • Sex with a virgin = my-hymen-got-torgasms
  • Sex while broke = poor-gasms
  • Sex that wasn’t very satisfying = ‘There’s the door’-gasms
  • Sex with a lion = roar-gasms
  • Sex for hours and hours on end = sore-gasms
  • Sex on a golf course = fore-gasms
  • Sex with a nymphomaniac = more-gasms
  • Sex in a gold mine = ore-gasms
  • Sex on the beach = shore-gasms
  • Sex in Asia = Singapore-gasms
  • Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can = odor-gasms
  • Sex on the way to the train = ‘All Aboard’-gasms
  • Sex with someone who’s not paying attention = ignore-gasms
  • Sex with a competitive partner = score-gasms
  • Sex while flying = soar-gasms
  • Sex while travelling = tour-gasms
  • Sex on stairs at the mall = escalator-gasms
  • Sex with three of your friends = four-gasms
  • Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = liquor-gasms
  • Sex during hay fever season = spore-gasms
  • Sex on farm implements = tractor-gasms
  • Sex without a climax = no-gasms

You are right

Two buddies get together and decide to go to a whorehouse, one of them tired of doing it with his wife all the time, the other not having it done for a long time.

Anyways the married one goes up and comes down and says " My wife is much better".

"Allright" goes the other guy, " Let me go try the same woman."

Well he goes and screws the whore, comes than says to his buddy, " You are right man, Your wife is much better."

A Young Couple

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."

His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"

"Oh yes, very much," he said," but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them."

"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible,and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom." Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."

"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."

"No, you don't understand,. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me."

Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth."

"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.

"Not a word," her mother affirmed.

"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking,
she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"

"Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"

I think I choked her

A man's wife had been in a coma for several days following a particularly nasty knock on the head.

As usual, one of the nurses in the hospital was giving her a wash in bed. As she washed down the woman's body, she sponged her pubic hair. Out of the corner of her eye she thought she had seen the woman's eyebrows shudder.

Not quite sure, she tried again. This time, she actually did see some movement. "Doctor, Doctor," she called, "I saw some movement!"

The Doctor came in to the room and tried as well. Once more, they both saw movement around the woman's eyes. "Well this is good news," said the Doctor. "I think we should call her husband and let him know."

Anyway, they called her husband and told him that they had seen some movement. When he arrived, they explained that by touching her pubic hair, they were seeing some sort of reaction in her facial muscles.

The Doctor suggested that the husband may like to try something a little more adventurous in order to provoke a stronger reaction. "I suggest that we leave the room and that you try a little oral sex," he said.

The husband duly agreed and so he was left alone in the room.

Several moments later, all the emergency alarms and buzzers were activated.

The Doctor and a host of nurses ran in to the wife's room where they saw the husband zipping up his jeans. "Oops," he said, "I think I choked her."

You may be a “Redneck Marine” if

  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you’re turned on by a woman who can change a Hummer tire.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you drive around a mall parking lot for fun.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your girlfriend has ever called YOUR parents “Ma and Pa”.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you still duct tape your gloves on.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you’ve ever pruned your trees with a shotgun.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if someone says they spotted Bigfoot and you go buy tickets to the tractor pull.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you think that the Marlboro Man is sexy.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you would really walk a mile just to get a Camel cigarette.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you consider duct tape and tarp straps necessities for auto body repair.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you raised the Confederate Flag in the bed of your USMC Attack Hummer whenever you would go into battle.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your whole family back home couldn’t wait for the Saturday night square dance.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you refer to your USMC Oshkosh Truck as if it had a legal first name.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you’ve ever been given a gun as a present.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if flannel is your second favorite color next to Marine cammies.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you or one of your relatives is named Cletus.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your grandfather can sense a storm coming by a mysterious twitching in his knee.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if the make, year, and color of your USMC Hummer are obscured by a layer of mud.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you collect bumper stickers for a hobby.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your wife has ever taken two pairs of shoes to a funeral: one pair to trudge through the wet Georgia red clay between the house and the pick’em up truck, and the other pair to wear at the funeral.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if there has ever been any gun parts, magazines, or ammunition stored on the window ledge of your kitchen.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your momma and sister frequently bath with the Hogs.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have ever worried more about the outbuildings freezing than your vehicles.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have ever had to get up quickly in the morning in order to let the goat out before she dropped raisins on the kitchen floor.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if back home your father would walk the cock like a dog.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your wife is the only one that the geese will allow into the laundry room.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if any of your children learned to make realistic animal noises before they learned to talk.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you had on several occasions to stop a leak in your flat bottom boat with gum and chewing tobacco.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have had to chase the water moccasins out of your boat while you are illegally gator hunting at night.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you are still paying for your wife’s last hair care professional appointment in weekly installments.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if all the fellows on the big garbage moving equipment recognize your wife…. and wave to her.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have ever removed the zoom scope from your deer rifle so you could voyeur the 12 year old girl next door.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have more than 2 used pampers rolling around in the back of your pick’em up truck.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have had sex on numerous occasions in the back of your USMC Hummer, species yet unidentified.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if more than one of your relatives have been arrested for having sex with farm animals.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have served more time in the Marine Corp Brig than in active service.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you tried to shove a pugil-stick up your opponents ass.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have been arrested by the MP’s for spying in the Marine Women’s Shower.

Tit for Tat

Funny Picture , Adult Joke

Upset stomach

A woman went to see a Doctor, complaining of an upset stomach.

The Doctor asked "What did you have for dinner last night?"

"Oysters," she replied.

"Were the oysters fresh?" asked the doctor.

"How should I know?" said the lady.

"Well," asked the doctor, "couldn't you tell when you took off the shells?"

"Oh my god," gasped the lady. "Are you supposed to take off the shells?"

Public Ethics

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat on the train and closed her eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

"Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train. . . . .
Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. . . . .
No, honey, not with that blonde from accounting. With the boss. . . . .
No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. . . . .
Yes, I'm sure . . . . cross my heart . . . . "

Ten minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him had had enough, so she leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, turn that phone off and come back to bed."

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

So True

Funny Picture

Do angels fly?

Child: “Mom, do angels fly?”

Mom: “Yes, they do.”

Child: “Then why doesn’t our maid fly?”

Mom: “But she is not an angel.”

Child: “Yes, she is. Dad calls her angel.”

Mom: “Does he? All right, you will see her fly tomorrow.”