Bad News

This guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he ended up having a complete sex change.

All of the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news.

Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him.

"Oh no!" he moaned, "this means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!"

"Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. It'll just have to be someone else's, that's all."

Ironically

ironcally

Distraction

There was this small church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her bre@sts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her bre@sts and maybe they would shrink in size. They warned her, though, to not eat any of the green persimmons 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while'.

She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said....

'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday.'

In Bed and At School


Windows 8 Home Edition


What's His Problem

A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India. One man he passed sported an enormous er*ction.

"Sergeant-Major!" the colonel shouted. "Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave."

"Yes sir," the Sgt. Major replied.

A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man.

"Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave," the Colonel barked.

A few months later, same guy, same problem. The Colonel is angry. "Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given this man two compassionate home leaves?"

"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replies.

"Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major?" the Colonel asks.

The Sgt. Major salutes and says, "Sir. It's you he's fond of."

Ironman After Marriage


Signs You are Addicted to the Internet

* You kiss your girlfriend's/boyfriend's home page.

* Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

* Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

* You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.

* You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.

* You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular-modem and a laptop.

* You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment.

* All you daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8... ISDN... cable modem... T1... T3...

* And even your night dreams are in HTML.

School Prank

Who says today's kids aren't smart? Well, some of them are!
At a high school in Montana a group of students played a prank on the school.
They let three goats loose in the school.
Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2 and 4.
Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.

ID Proof

President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this cheque for me"?

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?

Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States of America !!!!"

Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc I must insist on seeing ID"

Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am"

Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Obama: "I am urging you please to cash this cheque"

Cashier: "Look Mr. President this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque. So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States ?"

Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing I can do."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"

Illegal Fire Arm

One hot summer day, a man is filling up his black pickup truck at the local gas station. He isn't very careful, and he gets gasoline all over his jacket's left sleeve. He ignores it, and leaves the station after paying for the gas. As he's driving down the highway, the heat of the sun on his truck's black paint is enough to ignite his jacket sleeve. He drives faster, waving his arm out the window in an attempt to extinguish the flames, but they burn hotter! As he speeds down the highway, a state trooper sees the situation and pulls him over. He jerks the man out of the truck and rolls him on the ground until the fire is extinguished. As the man dusts himself and thanks his rescuer, he sees the officer is writing him a summons!

Confused, he asks, "You're writing me a ticket!? What for?"

The officer replies, "Possession of an illegal fire arm."

Three different kinds of sex after marriage

Did you know that once you get married, you can look forward to three different kinds of sex?

First, there's House Sex:
That's when you make love all over the house: on the floor, on the kitchen table, in the garage, anywhere, anytime -- much like two crazed rabbits.

Then comes Bedroom Sex:
That's when the kids are finally fed, bathed and asleep; the curtains closed; nothing much on TV; and the door locked -- you make love in the bedroom.

Last comes Hall Sex:
That's when you pass each other in the hall and snarl -- "Screw You !"

Scramble Puzzle


So how many you got wrong ;-)

Funny One Liners

A perfect example of minority rule is a baby in the house.

I lost twenty pounds. Unfortunately, I was in England at the time.

Success is getting what you like, happiness is liking what you get.

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

The trouble with a three-day weekend is that it turns Tuesday into Monday.

You think this is a free country until you move into a subdivision with a homeowners' association.

The world is full of willing people, some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

Isn't it a shame that future generations can't be here to see all the wonderful things we're doing with their money?

It never occurs to some people that there is a big difference between giving advice and lending a hand.

Elections should be held on Christmas. That way, if we don't like who we elect, we can exchange them.

If something goes without saying, let it!

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

If you want a new idea, read an old book.

Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!

If your plan is having no plan, do you have a plan?

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

You can't make your candle burn brighter by blowing out the other fellow's.

I was stopped once for going 53 in a 35 mile zone, but I told them I was dyslexic.

I figured out a way to slow down inflation. Turn it over to a government worker!

The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

Borrowing Neighbour

Every time, Peter, the man next door headed toward Paul's house, Paul knew he was coming to borrow something, he was always doing so and it was driving him nuts.

"Peter won't get away with it this time," muttered Paul to Liz, his wife, "Watch this."

"Er, I wonder if you'd be using your hedge trimmer this morning?" asked Paul the neighbour.

"Crikey, I'm terribly sorry," said Paul with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."

"In that case," smiled Peter, "you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?

Nerds are in season now

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED--ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. "You don't even need a license," he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway.

He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load, so remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "but it's illegal to bait 'em."

Welcome Party

Archie, a successful business man becomes fed up with all the stress of big city life and decides to chuck it all. He takes his savings and buys a large ranch in the middle of the outback, just north of Barossa Valley in South Australia.

After a couple of months of enjoying the quietness and solitude he hears the drumming of hoofs outside his home. Seizing his rifle he challenges the man riding up on the horse, "G’day neighbour, hold it right there.”

The rider says, "I'm your neighbour, I have a ranch only 20 miles from here, and I want to invite you to a Welcome Party I'm throwing for you next Saturday. There's going to be music, dancing, hugging, kissing, drinking, fighting..… we'll have a great time."

Not wanting to be unfriendly the new rancher lowers the rifle and asks, "How should I dress?"

"Blimey, mate, it don't matter," replied the neighbour, "There’s only gonna be the two of us."

Political Satire

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night; so they created a night watchman, GS-4 position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"

So they created a planning position and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, GS-12 and one person to do time studies, GS-11. Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"

So they created a Q. C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?"

So they created the following positions, a time keeper, GS-09, and a payroll officer, GS-11, and hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"

So they created an administrative position and hired three people, an Admin. Officer GM-13, Assistant Admin. Officer GS-12, and a Legal Secretary GS-08.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $280,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

What ever are we going to do?

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen. “What’s wrong dearest??” asked the confused husband.

“Oh darling,” sobbed the wife, “I was cleaning little Suzie’s room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do???”

“Well,” replied the man, “I guess a spanking is out of the question?”

Where's your homework?

"Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.
"My dog ate it," was his solemn response.
"Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?"
"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Johnny. "Ihad to force him, but he ate it!"

Are you Irish?"

"Can I have some Irish sausages please?" Asked Seamus. I want to make a proper Irish hot-dog."

The shop assistant looked at him and enquired, "Are you Irish?"

"If I asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would you, eh? Would you?"

The assistant replied, "Well...er.... no".

"And if I asked you for some Bourbon whiskey, would you ask me if I was American? What about Danish bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't," came the response.

Self-righteously, Seamus demanded, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish, just because I asked for Irish Sausages?"

"Because you're in a blooming shoe shop," replied the assistant.

Where the hell are you jerk ?

Wife: Where the hell are you jerk ?

Husband : Darling you remember that jewelry shop where you saw necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said "baby it'll be yours one day"

Wife: Yeah I remember my love !

Husband: I am in the pub just next to that shop!

But how?

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!" He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door."

"Oh, yes," the jury foreman replied. "We all looked - but your client didn't!"

Mind Tricks


Grandpa and Little Johnny

Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park.

Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?"

Grandpa looks at him and says "No Johnny, I will not."

"But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny. Grandpa replies.

"Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one worth writing to."

What kind of deal?

Martin had a drink too many at the pub and had also run out of money. But that did not stop him from ordering for more. So he said to the bartender, "C'mon Dan, give me a few more drinks. I'll pay you next week, I promise."

"Look," said Dan the bartender pointing out the window. "Can you see that building across the road?"

"Yes, I do. What about it?" said Martin.

"Well, that is the National Bank, and I had a deal with them" said Dan.

"What kind of deal?" Martin blurted.

"The pact was that they'll not sell booze, and I will not lend money." replied Dan.

Free Pups

A little girl called Jill was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home in Washington. There was a basket lying next to her containing a number of tiny creatures,  in her hand was a sign announcing FREE PUPS.

Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of one of the cars stepped a tall, grinning man.

"Hi there little girl, I'm President Obama.
What do you have in the basket?" he asked.

"Pups," little Jill replied.

"How old are they?" asked Obama.

Jill replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of pups are they?"

"Democrats," answered Jill with a smile.

Obama was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the pups.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the president should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning pups.

So the next day, Jill was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE PUPS," when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Obama got out of his limo and walked over to little Jill.

"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of pups you're giving away."

"Yes sir," Jill said. "They're Republicans."

Taken by surprise, the president stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me they were DEMOCRATS."

Little Jill smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open."

How many journalists does it take to change a light bulb?

"We just report the facts, we don't change them."

Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a light bulb assassin to break the bulb in the first place.

Did you know


Pretty good at sensitive stuff

Three Aussie guys, Shane, Ricky and Jeff, were working on a high-rise building project in Wagga Wagga. Unfortunately, Shane falls off the scaffolding and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Ricky says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.'
Jeff says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

Ricky says, 'Where did you get that, Jeff?'

'Shane's wife gave it to me.'

Ricky continues, 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?'

'Well not exactly,' Jeff said. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Shane's widow."

She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are.'

Good news and bad news

Derrek went to see his doctor.

The doctor said to him, "I have good news and bad news.which one do you want first?"

Derrek said,"Tell me the bad news first."

The doctor said, "Your wife has syphillis."

Derrek exclaimed, "Oh my God! What could possibly be good news."

The doctor replied, "She didn't get it from you."

OH MY GOD

An old man on the beach walked up to a beautiful girl, Kate, who was clad in a bikini, and said,  "I want to feel your knockers."

"Stay away from me, you dirty old man," Kate replied.

"I want to feel them, I will give you $5" he said.

"$5? Get away from me!"

"I want to feel them, I will give you $10" he said.

"NO! Get away from me!"

"$50" he said.

Kate paused to think for a moment, then quickly came to her senses and said, "I said NO!"

"$100 if you let me feel them," he said.

Kate thought to herself - this guy is old and $100 would be very handy. "Well, OK...but only for a minute," she said.

She loosened her bikini top and he slid his hands underneath and began to feel...and then he started saying "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD" while he was caressing them.

Kate asked him "Why do you keep saying "Oh my god’?"

While continuing to fondle her, he answered "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...Where am I ever going to get $100?"

Was it my friend

The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.

"Was it my friend Sam", he demanded.

"No !" his weeping wife replied.

"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.

"NO !!!" she said even more upset.

"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.

"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.