In Case of Fire Break Glass


How a man can tell if a woman has PMS



  1. She stops reading Glamour and starts reading Guns and Ammo.
  2. She considers chocolate a major FDA food group.
  3. You ask her what time it is, and she replies, "What do you mean I look fat?!"
  4. She makes you sleep on the couch because all the potato chips and cheese doodles have taken up your side of the bed.
  5. She puts on one of those pads with "wings," then flies off the roof laughing hysterically while riding a broom.
  6. Her jeans grow 2 sizes larger while her canine teeth grow 2 inches longer.
  7. She's developed a new talent for spinning her head around in 360 degree circles.
  8. She retains more water than Lake Superior.
  9. She denies she's in a bad mood as she pops a clip into her semiautomatic and "chambers one."
  10. She buys you a new T-shirt-----with a bulls-eye on the front.
  11. You ask her to please pass the salt at the dinner table and she says, "All I ever do is give, give, give! AM I SUPPOSED TO DO EVERYTHING?"
  12. She answers every question with the same answer, "Over my dead body!"
  13. She's more paranoid than O.J. Simpson in a Bruno Magli shoe store.
  14. She looks at you thru her thumb and index finger and makes the I'll squish your tiny head" gesture.
  15. She enrolls in the Lizzie Borden School of Charm.
  16. She orders 3 Big Macs, 4 large fries, a bucket of Chicken McNuggets, and then mauls the manager because they're out of Diet Coke.
  17. Everyone around her has an attitude problem .
  18. She is adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
  19. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of her jeans.
  20. You are suddenly agreeing to everything she says.
  21. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
  22. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
  23. She is convinced there's a God and he's male.
  24. She is counting down the days until menopause.
  25. She's sure that everyone is scheming to drive her crazy.

You are not a Redneck if


  1. You don't pee in the sink.
  2. Your wife is not related to you
  3. Your car ACTUALLY runs.
  4. You have a full set of teeth.
  5. You passed the 5th Grade.
  6. None of your brothers names start with Billy Bob.
  7. Your house costed more than your car.
  8. The shower is ACTUALLY being used.
  9. You never saw Elvis.
  10. You don't miss the $100 question on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire"

Respect

A married couple is celebrating 50 years of marriage . He had taken her to dinner and dancing to celebrate. They were reflecting over the past 50 years.

She said, "You have given me everything that any woman could desire, 2 beautiful children that grew up and became a doctor and a lawyer. A beautiful home and a new car every three years. The kids have given us grandchildren, and we love them too death. If there is anything I haven't given you, all you need do is ask."

"Well," the husband says, "there is one thing."

"What is that?" says the wife

"A bl*w job," says the husband.

The wife thinks for a moment and says, "I have never given you a blo* job, because I didn't think you would respect me after that. But, since we have been together 50 years, surely you would respect me now, so ok."

So she unzips his pants, pulls out his penis and proceeds to give him a bl*w job. Just as she finishes and wipes her chin, the phone rings.

The husbands answers and says,
"Yes, right here. Hold on a moment. Here, c*cksucker, it's for you."

Blarney Stone

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

Homesick

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says,

"I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?

"I want a detailed memo about this issue till tomorrow's morning."
"You were supposed to have changed that light bulb last week!"
"We haven't got a policy on that".
"I am on my way to a very important meeting, so we'll discuss it some other time."

Three. Two to find out if it needs changing, and one to tell an employee to change it.

Made-in-China


Three Drunk Men

Three men were drunk and they stopped a taxi.....
the taxi driver figured that they were not in their right minds......
so, he just switched on the engine and switched it off after a while and told them : "we have arrived"......

The first man gave him money..... the second one thanked him.....
but the third one....he slapped the taxi driver.....
The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them must have realized that the car didn’t move an inch..
so, he asked the third man: "what was that for?"
The third man replied: "control your speed.....  next time you got here so quick you almost killed us....."

Husband Names


Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their sex lives. 
Karen said, “I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does.” 
Joanne giggled and confessed, “I call my husband the miner, because of his incredible shaft.”
Kathy quietly sipped her whiskey until Joanne finally asked, 
“Well, what do you call your boyfriend?” 
Kathy frowned and said, “The postman.” 
Looking puzzeled Joanne asked, ”Why the postman?”
“Because… he always delivers late and half the time it’s in the wrong box.”

You want my advice?

Man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man anxiously says, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi

Italian restaurant

To impress his date, the young man took her to a very swank and impressive Italian restaurant.

He ordered one of the more expensive bottles of wine on the menu, and the two chatted as they sipped from their glasses.

Finally, he picked up the menu again and studied it with a fine eye. When the waiter came for the order, the young man confidently said, "We'll both have the Guiseppe Spomdalucci."

"I'm sorry, sir," said the waiter, "but that's the owner."

You're the first one

The attractive young Sarah was about to go to bed with her new boyfriend Joe, when she burst into tears .

"I'm afraid you'll get the wrong idea about me," she said between sobs.

"I'm really not that kind of girl!"

"I believe you," Joe said, as he tried to comfort her.

"You're the first one," Sarah replied.

"The first one to make love to you?" Joe asked.

"No, silly," she replied. "The first one to believe me!"

Bob and Johnny

Bob, who's gay, decides to go out for a good time and ends up at a gay bar. There he meets an attractive young man named Johnny who he talks to all evening. When the night comes to an end Johnny invites him over to his place.

They get in Johnny's car, a pink stretch Cadillac, and proceed to leave the parking lot. Yet Bob is quite concerned when Johnny repeatedly smashes into parked cars as they are leaving the lot. Once they reach Johnny's place, again Johnny looks around and proceeds to smash into parked cars as he's parking his.

As they got out of the car Johnny asked, "So Bob, do you like my feminine side?"

How many executives does it take to change a light bulb?


At least a roomful - they have to hold a meeting  to discuss all the ramifications of the change.

None, they like to keep employees in the dark.

"This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile..."

"We've formed a task-force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder."

Trust me

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye.

He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over.

The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's a*s was that eye staring right back at him.

"You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

Sardar goes to a quiz...

I'm sure you are gonna love this

The questions are as follows:

1) How long was the 100 yr war?

A) 116

B) 99

C) 100

D) 150

Sardar says "I will skip this"

2) In which country are the Panama hats made?

A) BRASIL

B) CHILE

C) PANAMA

D) EQUADOR

Sardar asks for help from the University students

3) In which month do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

A) JANUARY

B) SEPTEMBER

C) OCTOBER

D) NOVEMBER

Sardar asks for help from general public

4) Which of these was King George VI first name?

A) EDER

B) ALBERT

C) GEORGE

D) MANOEL

Sardar asks for lucky cards

5) The Canary islands, in the Pacific Ocean , has its name based on
which animal:

A) CANARY BIRD

B) KANGAROO

C) PUPPY

D) RAT

Sardar gives up.

SCROLL DOWN.......

If u think you are indeed clever and laughed at Sardar's replies, then
please check the answers below:

1) The 100 year war lasted 116 years from 1337-1453

2) The Panama hat is made in Equador

3) The October revolution is celebrated in November

4) King George's first name was Albert. In 1936 he
changed his name.

5) Puppy. The Latin name is INSULARIA CANARIA which means islands of
the puppies.

Now tell me who's the dumb one....Don't ever laugh at a Sardar again

Math and Cats

Teacher: “If I Gave You 2 Cats, And Another 2 Cats And Another 2, How Many Will You Have?”

Little Johnny: “Seven Sir”

Teacher: “No, Listen Carefully. If I Gave You 2 Cats, And Another 2 Cats And Another 2, How Many Will You Have?”

Little Johnny: “Seven”

Teacher: “Let Me Put It To You Differently. If I Gave You 2 Apples, And Another 2 Apples And Another 2, How Many Will You Have?”

Little Johnny: “Six.”

Teacher: “Good. Now If I Gave You 2 Cats, And Another 2 Cats And Another 2,How Many Will You Have?”

Little Johnny: “Seven!!!”

Very Angry Teacher: “Where Do You Get Seven From”

Very Angry Little Johnny: “Because I Already Have One At Home“

Advanced Medical Technology

A Japanese man was boasting about how his country had such advanced medical technology. He said, “We take the lungs out of a man, perform an operation, put the lungs back in, and in 4 weeks, the man is looking for work.”

An Englishman said, “We are far more advanced than you. We can take the heart out of a man, perform surgery and have him ready for work in just 3 weeks.”

The German Man says, “That’s nothing; we can take a kidney out of a man, put into another man’s body and have them looking for work in 2 weeks.”

The American says, “Well hell, that’s nothin’. We had an idiot taken out of Texas, put in the Whitehouse and now half the country is lookin’ for work!”

An Irish daughter

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years.
Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?
Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, ‘Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute...’
‘Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family.’
‘OK, Dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million.’
‘For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...’
‘Now what was it ye said ye had become?’ says dad.
Girl, crying again, ‘Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.
‘Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.’

Successful Marriage

[1] is one in which the husband knows when to remember and a wife knows what to forget;
[2] is achieved when silence between two people is comfortable;
[3] is when a husband can determine when his wife comes to the end of one argument and begins the next;
[4] is when a female hypochondriac marries a pill;
[5] is one in which a woman gives the best years of her life to the man that made them so;
[6] is not so much finding the right person - but being the right person;
[7] is best assured when, instead of looking at each other, the two look out in the same direction;
[8] is when either party is good at taking orders.

That's awful

Little Joey and Little Danny, both aged 5, are walking home from school.

Danny says "I won't be going to school tomorrow."

"Why not?" asks Joey.

"I have to go to the hospital," says Danny woefully.

"That's awful," says Joey. "Why do you have to go there? Are you sick?"

Danny shakes his head and replies, "I have to have a circumcision."

Joey stops dead in his tracks, an expression of complete horror across his face, "That's Horrible!" he cries, "Why, I had that done when I was born, and I couldn't walk for MONTHS!!"

Texan Women

A woman was called in front of a Texas grand jury for manslaughter after she shot a mugger 6 times in the back as he was running away with her purse.

He grabbed the purse and ran, she had her hand on the gun in it, and was left with the revolver in her hand.

When asked by the grand jury why she shot the man 6 times in the back as he was running away, she replied under oath: "Because when I pulled the trigger the 7th time it only went click."

Funny Statements Patient's Charts

The following statements were found on patient's charts during a recent review of medical records. These statements were written by various health care professionals including (we're afraid) a doctor or two at several major hospitals:

  1. "The lab test indicated abnormal lover function."
  2. "Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized." 
  3. "The skin was moist and dry." 
  4. "The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch." 
  5. "She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce." 
  6. "The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed." 
  7. "I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy." 
  8. "The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week." 
  9. "Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles." 
  10. "Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation." 
  11. "She is numb from her toes down." 
  12. "Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot." 
  13. "While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead." 
  14. "When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room." 
  15. "Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress."

Views on Aging - Brilliant

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life ! You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

Women's Ass Size Study

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty shocking:
  1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
  2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
  3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway....

Sardar's confidence

George Bush was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Bush!" a heavily accented voice said, "This is Gurmukh Sing Dhindsa from Phagwara, District Kapurthala, Punjab. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring the war on you!"

"Well, Gurmukh," George Bush replied, "This is indeed important news!
"How big is your army"?

"Right now," said Gurmukh, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sukhdev, my next door neighbour Bhagat, and the entire kabaddi team from my Pind (village). That makes eight"

George Bush paused. "I must tell you, Gurmukh that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Arrey O! Main kya.. " said Gurmukh. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Gurmukh called again.
"Mr. Bush, it is Gurmukh, I'm calling from Phagwara STD, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Gurmukh" George Bush asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a donkey and Amrik's tractor."

George Bush sighed. "I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."

"Oh teri maa di ...." said Gurmukh. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Gurmukh rang again the next day.

"Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne...... We've modified Amrik's tractor by adding a couple of shotguns, sticking on some wings and the Pind's generator. Four school pass boys from Rajpura have joined us as well!"

George Bush was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surro unded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Tera beda gark hove.... khad jaa . . . " said Gurmuk, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Gurmukh called again the next day.

"Kiddan, Mr. Bush! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said George Bush. "Why the sudden change of heart"

>>>>> "Well," said Gurmukh, "we've all had a long chat over a couple of lassi's, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners of war!"

BOLO TARA RARA !!!!!

Thats not mine

Ravi and Santa were working in a building site when suddnely Santa lets out a loud scream!
"whats wrong are you ok?" asked Ravi
"no that machibe has cut my ear off!" said Santa .
"dont panic, we will find it asap and hospital can sew it back on!" said ravi .
After 5 mins of searching Ravi shouts " i found it get over here!"
Santa runs over and on seeing it looks dissapointed and starts crying "what is wrong with you i have found your ear?" says Ravi
"thats not mine cries Santa , mine had a pencil behind it!"

Ggorgeous Wife

Thomas, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the country club with an absolutely gorgeous and breathtakingly beautiful 25-year-old brunette. She is hanging on to his arm and listening intently to his every word.

His usual golf-playing partners and fellow members of the club are baffled and shocked. At their very first chance, they come to him and ask, "Thomas, how did you get the amazing trophy girlfriend?"

Thomas replies, "Girlfriend? She's not my girlfriend -- she's my wife."

Disbelieving him, they ask, "So how did you persuade her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age," he replies.

"What? Did you tell her you were only 50?"

Thomas smiles and says, "Nope, I told her I was 99."

Madonna World Tour 2029


Feathers in the Headdresses

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians.

After a tour of a reservation, she asked a Brave,who had only one feather in his headdress, "Why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses?"

His reply was, "Me have only one sqaw, me have only one feather."

She asked another Brave, feeling the first fellow was only joking.

This Brave had four feathers in his headdress.

He replied, "Ugh; me have four feathers because me sleep with four squaws."

Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of sqaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief.

Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers, which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters.

She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"

The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said, "Me Chief. Me f**k-em all. Big, small, fat, tall. Me f**k-em all."

Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung!"

The Chief replied, "You damned right, me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake."

Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so goddamned hostile!"

The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog- style, wolf-style, any-style, me f**k-em all!"

With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear."

The Chief said, "No deer. Me no f**k deer. Asshole too high and f**kers run too fast. No f**k deer!"

Think before you speak..... gr8 moments by a ladies..

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the stories of a few people who did....

FIRST STORY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'

I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.


SECOND STORY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with mens balls'


THIRD STORY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'

My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.


FOURTH STORY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.


FIFTH STORY:
Have you ever asked your child a question one too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No'.
I kept thinking
'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


LAST BUT NOT LEAST STORY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Haricut - Men and Women

Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman 1: No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from these football player shoulders of mine.

Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.





……










NOW TWO MEN TALKING
_________________________________________________

Man 1: Haircut?

Man 2: Yeah.

Mental Test

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a gathering of humor editors, and his host naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," he asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question that everyone should answer with no trouble. If there is hesitation, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"

The editor thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example, would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

Did god create me?

Alice, a little girl of 5, was observing her grandpa very intently. Her grandpa asked her, "what are you looking at, my child?"

Running her fingers over his bald head, and his wrinkled face, Alice asked, "Were you created by God?"

"Yes" he answered.

"Did god create me, too?" she asked.

"Yes", he replied.

"Well", she shrugged, "Do you agree he's doing a better job now than he used to?"

Collective Nouns

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.

We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.

However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably, because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.

Now consider a gathering of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.

And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?

Believe it or not....... a Congress!

How Many


Mate Match

The DJ's play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJ's call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for Verification.

If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I have heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you heard of Mate Match?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know were giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please.

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?

Brian: "Yes."

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean that you're married or you're what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously): "Yes I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sarah"

DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She's gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here Brian! "

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, a trip would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"

Brian: Laughing Hard " I ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh Huh..."

Brian:"...and the Mother In Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I have done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

Three Minutes of Commercials Follow

DJ: "OK audience, let's call Sarah, shall we? "

(touch tones...ringing..)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar from WBAM, we are live on the air and I have been speaking with Brian for a couple hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooo do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No"

DJ: "Good"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer the questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then both of you are off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World, Sea World, Tickets to the Magics game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright, when did you last have sex, Sara?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian...uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's good enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one last question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sara: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sara?"

Sarah: "Well..."

DJ: "Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?"

Sarah: "In the a*s...."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break."

I must have been tight

A wealthy socialite had a night out on the town with her friends. She awoke the next morning, totally naked and with a monster of a hang-over.

So she rang for the butler and asked for a cup of strong black coffee.

"Geeves" she said, "I can't remember a thing about last night. How did I get to bed?"

"Well Madam, I carried you upstairs and put you to bed"

"But my dress?"

"It seemed a pity to crumple it, so I took it off and hung it up"

"But what about my underwear?"

"I thought the elastic might stop the circulation, so I took the liberty of removing them".

"What a night!" she said. "I must have been tight!"

"Only the first time, Madam."

Tickle Me Elmo toys

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, A Blonde is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Blonde surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Blonde .
‘I'm sorry,’ he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, ‘but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...’
‘Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.’

Two housewives in Coffee Bar

Two housewives were drinking coffee together.

"On my way over here," said Louise, "I developed an awful headache. Do you have any good remedies?"

Her friend Martha responed, "When I get a headache, my husband is the best remedy. He rubs my shoulders, then the back of my neck, caresses my breasts while kissing my tummy, and... Well, you can guess the rest. In no time at all he's soothed the pain away. You should try it!"

"I'd love to," her friend replied. "What time does your husband get home?"

Similarities between Wife & Exams

  1. Lots of Questions
  2. Difficult to Understand
  3. Always require Detailed Explanation
  4. Results always UNEXPECTED

Phone Call

Jake and Mary have an agreement that anytime they want to make love, they will call it a "PHONE CALL".

One day Jake sends his son to tell his mother that he wants to make a phone call and Mary replies; tell your father, there is no network..

Jake: tell your mother that if there is no network at home, then I'll go to a public phone..

Mary: tell your father that if he dares go to a public phone, then I'll open a call center at home.

Are they that big?

Two Amish women were out picking potatoes in the field when one of them picked up two huge potatoes and said "These potatoes remind me of Emil's balls"

"Are they that big?" asked the other.

"No they're this dirty."