Texas Farmer in Australia

A Texas farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and starts talking with him. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has really gone south when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what the heck are those?"

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

Texting for Elderly people

ATD - At the Doctor's

BFF - Best Friends Funeral

BTW - Bring the Wheelchair

BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM - Covered by Medicare

CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center

DWI - Driving While Incontinent

FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers

FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

FYI - Found Your Insulin

GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

GHA - Got Heartburn Again

HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL - Living on Lipitor

LWO - Lawrence Welk's On

OMMR - On My Massage Recliner

OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!

TOT - Texting on Toilet

TTYL - Talk to You Louder

WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again

WTP - Where's the Prunes

WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil

Hope these help!

GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!

Test for Smart People

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!

1 How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator ?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend...except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.

This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

What is an Irishman

An Irishman is a man who? 
  • May not believe there is a God, but is darn sure of the infallibility of the Pope... 
  • Won't eat meat on Friday, but will drink Jameson for breakfast..... 
  • Has great respect for the truth, he uses in emergencies... 
  • Sees things not as they are but the way they never will be..... 
  • Cries at sad movies, but cheers in battle.... 
  • Hates the English, but reserves his cruelty for countryman.... 
  • Gets more Irish the further he gets from Ireland..... 
  • Believes in civil rights, but not in his neighborhood... 
  • Believes to forgive is divine, therefore doesn't exercise it himself.... 
  • Loves religion for its own sake, but also because it makes it so inconvenient for his neighbors.... 
  • Scorns money, but worships those who have it... 
  • Considers any Irishman who achieves success to be a traitor...

Three Wishes of Irishman

An Irishman walking along the shore notices an old lamp lying among the rocks.
He picks it up, rubs the dirt off of it and a genie comes out of the lamp.
The genie tells the Irishman he will grant him three wishes.
The Irishman says "Well first off, I'd like a bottle of Guinness that never goes dry".
"Done" says the genie, and the Irishman is holding a bottle of Guinness.
The Irishman promptly drinks it down and watches in delight as it magically fills back up.
Again he drinks it down and watches it fill up.
A third time he drinks it down, and by now the genie is becoming impatient.
"So what do you want for your other two wishes"? asks the irritated genie.
"Oh", replies the Irishman, "Just give me another two bottles like this one".

Charming Black Man

Fuss Over Wife

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug, and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her, and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago. It had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.

Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her, and told her that he loved her.

His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

Barbeque Season

The summer brings with it the Barbeque season. It is significant to note the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the Barbeque, usually on a weekend, the following chain of events are put into motion:

Barbeque Routine

1) The wife buys the food.

2) The wife makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

3) The wife prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the husband who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

4) The man places the meat on the grill.

More routine....

5) The wife goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

6) The wife comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the wife.

More routine.....

8) The wife prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.

9) After eating, the wife clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

11) The man asks his wife how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....


A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with.

Sir, she said, I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone or I'll bust. She told him the news that the doctor had told her about being pregnant.

The man shared her enthusiam as he shared his expierence. He said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had layed eggs. He was so happy he added, "but confidentially, I changed cocks."

The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially, me too."

What kind of Facebooker are you

1. Over Photo Editors
2. Extremely Frequent Status Updaters
3. Page Likers
4. Attention Seekers
5. Wall Posters
6. Farmvillers
7. Cars For Profile Picturers
8. Depressing Status Updaters
9. Spammers
10. Swearers
11. Constant Status Likers
12. Stalkers
13. Fake Relationship Statusers
14. Inboxers
15. Chatters
16. Pokers
17. Guys Who Take Photos In Mirrors
18. People Who Cant Spell
19. Song Lyrics For Status Makers
20. Over Reactors

Who Are you?

What are my chances of survival?

Fred was admitted to a hospital for a cerebral aneurysm surgery. Just before the operation, a worried Fred asked the doctor, "I heard this operation is highly risky. What are my chances of survival?"
The Surgeon replied: "I'm absolutely positive that you will survive the operation."

Fred, a little relieved, but still in doubt, asked, "How can you be so sure?"

The Surgeon said, "Four out of five patients die in this operation, and last week, my fourth patient died."

Old Soldiers

1. Can cuss for a full ten minutes without ever repeating a word.
2. Know that “Cav” is an abnormal condition that can be cured with testosterone shots.
3. Can remember when there were real NCOs in the Army.
4. Will fight with bayonets and E-tools just to save ammo.
5. Wear Corcoran jump boots in garrison just in case they have to kick the shit out of some loudmouthed MP.
6. Have eyes in the backs of their heads.
7. Can see in the dark.
8. Would rather be a squad leader than a general.
9. Have wet dreams about leading a parachute assault on Baghdad.
10. Still don’t trust the Russians.
11. Still hate the French.
12. Will take vacation time just to make a pilgrimage to see Iron Mike.
13. Know who Iron Mike is.
14. Don’t give a damn about being politically correct.
15. Don’t know how to be politically correct.
16. Think that “politically correct” should fall under “sodomy” in the UCMJ.
17. Love deploying to combat because there’s less paperwork.
18. Can be found eating and bunking with the troops.
19. Can remember the “daily dozen.”
20. Can remember running PT in boots.
21. Have enough “fruit salad” on their greens to be Mexican field marshals.
22. Have enough time in service to retire as captains.
23. Think it’s cool to teach their kids how to do “SPORTS.”
24. Do not fear women in the military.
25. Would actually like to date GI Jane.
26. Are convinced that “wall-to-wall counseling” really works.
27. Think that Bradley crewmen are emasculated infantrymen.
28. Know that tankers exist in order to allow the enemy to deplete its basic load of sabot ammunition.
29. Know where the “Green Ramp” is.
30. Can remember who their “Ranger Buddy” was.
31. Know that there’s a difference between “giving orders” and “going through the orders process.”
32. Think that “slides” involve ropes and snap links.
33. Don’t like taking orders from a guy who couldn’t get a DD 214.
34. Still know how to PMCS a buffer.
35. Can field strip an M1 Garand, although an M14 is an authorized substitute.
36. Believe that they do have a rendezvous with destiny.
37. Know that most of life’s problems can be solved by applying the eight steady hold factors.
38. Know that the US Military was too stupid to have assassinated Kennedy.
39. Believe that “Nuts” wasn’t exactly all that BG McAuliffe said to the Krauts at Bastogne.
40. Think that we should develop nuke rounds for the M203.
41. Know the true meaning of the word Hooah.
42. Want both “Cross of Iron” and “Saving Private Ryan” to be training films.
43. Don’t know how to use a “stress card.”
44. Idolize John Wayne.
45. Know why you should carry two field dressings on your LBE.
46. Would rather have a “mad minute” than a “VTC.”
47. Shudder when they hear “Garry Owen.”
48. Know that the vertical buttstroke is not a sexual position.
49. Don’t believe that “AAFES” needs a “commander.”
50. Don’t need “leadership tabs” to know when they’re in charge.
51. Can pass a PT test slobbering drunk.
52. Can remember when two boys in bed together was wrong.
53. Don’t have to “do a Lewinski” to get a “one block.”
54. Don’t give a damn if they get a “one block.”
55. Won’t brief it if it’s too complicated to fit on a few 3 x 5 cards.
56. Would have paid money to watch Custer getting his clock cleaned.
57. Believe troops don’t really want the “Single Soldier Initiative.”
58. Really don’t like taking crap from those who haven’t “been there.”
59. Believe that “RHIP” was invented by individuals who couldn’t lead their way out of a field latrine.
60. Know how to properly construct a field latrine.
61. Can set the headspace and timing on a “fifty” by touch alone.
62. Know how to do a “daisy chain.”
63. Enjoy heating MREs with C4.
64. Might admire the Germans, but still realize they got their asses kicked.
65. Aren’t afraid of the Chinese, who probably still don’t have enough rowboats to invade Taiwan.
66. Would rather be OPFOR than MOPP4.
67. Know that the new OER system is as screwed up as the old one.
68. Think that the neutron bomb would be appropriate for the Bosnia scenario.
69. Realize that Reagan won the Gulf War.
70. Don’t believe a damn thing the Iraqis say.
71. Want to be like Teddy Roosevelt.
72. Love the smell of napalm in the morning.
73. Know that “napalm” is really called “incendi-gel.”
74. Don’t need a GPS to find themselves.
75. Think of Army aviators as guys who wear pajamas to work.
76. Know that it really is possible to crawl inside a Kevlar when someone’s shooting at you.
77. Have enough extra TA-50 in their closets to start a surplus store.
78. Would love to own their own HMMWV.
79. Believe that SMA McKinney got caught.
80. Think that MREs taste good.
81. Would like to see what kind of creature “ham and chicken loaf” comes from.
82. Realize that there were no starving people in Somalia.
83. Can remember open bay barracks.
84. Believe that “combat power on the objective” is a bunch of crap.
85. Believe that killing the enemy isn’t.
86. Know that “accuracy counts,” especially in combat.
87. Know the Ranger Creed by heart.
88. Still have jungle fatigues in their closets.
89. Never count on the artillery in a clutch.
90. Believe that terrorists can be taken care of for 32 cents each (the cost of a 9mm round).
91. Would love to go to sniper school.
92. Have more time on a static line than most other soldiers have in the chow line.
93. Know what a “link count” is.94. Realize that volleyball is the most important subject taught at CAS3.
95. Know that it’s not real coffee if you can’t stand a track jack up in it.
96. Don’t need a “MCOO” to know where the enemy will come from.
97. Remember when the “men were men” and the “women were women.”
98. Don’t blame poor marksmanship on their M16.
99. Know that crappy leaders will always say they have crappy soldiers.

Rowdy Students

While visiting the East Street School in the country, the chairman of the Board of governors became agitated by the ruckus made by rowdy students in the adjoining room.

Fuming, he opened the door and dragged out one of the taller boys who seemed to be doing most of the talking. He then took the boy to the next room and asked him to stand in a corner.

A couple of minutes later, a little boy stuck his head in the room and begged, "Sir, can we have our teacher back please?"

Box Puzzle

Impossibilities in the world

What is the Secret

Emma, Olivia and Wilma were neighbors in a small town in Sweden. They would often gossip while hanging their laundry out in the backyard.

When it rained, however, the laundry would always get wet - all the washed clothes, except for Wilma's. Emma and Olivia would be amazed by the fact that Wilma never had her laundry out on the days it rained.

One day, when they were all out in the backyard putting their washed clothes on the line, Emma asked Wilma,"How is it when it rains, your clothes are never out?"

"I'll tell you a secret," said Wilma, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Sven. If his dingaling is hanging over his right leg, I know it will be a warm day, and I can hang out the clothes. If his dingaling is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the laundry."

"What if he is erect?" asked Olivia.

"Darling," said Wilma, "Who wants to do laundry on a day like that?"

Beach Photobomber

Lesson in Logic

A fresh computer graduate from a world- class University, goes for an interview in a software company.

The interviewer is a grubby old man. And the first question he asks Fresh Computer Graduate is, 'Are you good at logic?'

'Of course,' replies Fresh Computer Graduate.

'Let me test you,' replies Interviewer. 'Two men come down a chimney. One comes with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one would wash his face?'

Fresh Computer Graduate stares at Interviewer. 'Is that a test in Logic?' Interviewer nods.

'The one with the dirty face washes his face', Fresh Computer Graduate answers wearily.

'Wrong. The one with the clean face washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. So, the one with the clean face washes his face.'

'Hmm. I never thought of that," says Fresh Computer Graduate. 'Give me another test.'

Interviewer holds up two fingers, 'Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?'

'We have already established that. The one with the clean face washes his face.'

'Wrong. Each one washes one's face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. So, the one with the clean face washes his face. When the one with the dirty face sees the one with the clean face washing his face, he also washes his face. So each one washes one's face.'

'I didn't think of that!' says Fresh Computer Graduate. 'It's shocking to me that I could make an error in logic. Test me again!'

Interviewer holds up two fingers, 'Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?'

'Each one washes his face.'

'Wrong. Neither one washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. But when the one with clean face sees that the one with the dirty face doesn't wash his face, he also doesn't wash his face. So neither one washes his face.'

Fresh Computer Graduate is desperate. 'I am qualified for this job. Please give me one more test!'

He groans when Interviewer lifts his two fingers, 'Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?'

'Neither one washes his face', Fresh Computer Graduate replies, 'I have learnt this logic.'

'Wrong, again. Do you now see, Fresh Computer Graduate, why programming knowledge is insufficient for this job? Tell me, how is it possible for two men to come down the same chimney, and for one to come out with a clean face and the other with a dirty face? Don't you see the flaw in the premise?

When can I resume having sex with my wife?

An elderly patient about to be discharged from the hospital raised a question with his doctor, "Doctor, When can I resume having sex with my wife?"
The doctor thought for a minute and said, "Well, it depends- when did you last have it?" The patient says, "I am not sure, I'll call my wife and check." The patient call and asks his wife, "Honey, when did we last have sex?" The wife replies, "May I know, who is calling?"

Captain and Sinking Ship

A deluxe cruise liner was sinking. The captain had to persuade the passengers of every country very tactfully to jump into the sea.

He told the American, "You'll be a Hero if you jump into the sea."
He told the English, "a gentleman would certainly jump into the sea."
He told the German, "It's a rule to jump into the sea in such conditions."
He told the Italian, "Women will admire you if you jump into the sea."
He told the French, "Do not jump into the sea."
He told the Japanese, "Look, every passenger is jumping into the sea."

Big Breaths

A well-endowed adolescent girl has severe cold and goes to see a doctor for examination.

The doctor who was standing behind the girl, leaned over her shoulder with a stethoscope to his ears and said, "Big breaths".

The young girl, hesitated for a moment, and then replied, "I know, and to think I'm only 13!"

The Factory Bell

Joe was an American manufacturer of machine parts. He had a prospective customer from Albania visiting him for imports of machinery to his country and Joe was showing him around his factory.

At noon, the lunch bell rang, and eight hundred workers immediately stopped work and left the building.

"Your workers are escaping!" cried the Albanian visitor. "You must stop them."

"They will come back, nothing to worry," said Joe. And indeed, after an hour, the bell rang again, and all the workers returned from their break.

After the orientation, Joe turns to his guest and says, "Would you like to place an order for any of these machines?"

"Forget the machines," says the guest. "How much do you want for that bell?"

Conan O'Connor

Conan O'Connor was considered the most clever man in Ireland.

He had won many quiz shows and was encouraged by family and friends to enter the English Mastermind Championships.

He applied and was selected. On they eve of the competition, Conan places himself on the hot seat with the spot light on his face.

The quiz-master asked says, 'What subject are you studying?'

Conan answered, 'Irish History'.

'All right,' says the quiz-master, 'Your first Question: in what year did the 'Easter Rising take Place?'

Conan says, 'Pass.'

'OK,' says the quiz-master, 'Who was the Leader of the Easter Rising?'
Conan answers, 'Pass.'

'All right,' says the quiz-master, 'How long did the Easter Rising Last?'
Conan again says, 'Pass,'

Instantly, a voice shouts from the audience, 'Good man Conan....tell the English nothing....'

Rajinikanth's Tree

I've got trouble down here

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.

After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in the hands of a skeleton!

Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"

"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.

"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"

Playing Doctor for an Hour

Steve complained to his friend Al that lovemaking with his wife was becoming routine and boring.
"Get creative buddy. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing doctor for an hour?"
"Sounds great," Steve replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"
"Hell, just keep her in the waiting room for 45 minutes!"

Used Car

A cop was making his evening rounds in the city. He came across a used automobiles lot and noticed two old women sitting in a used car. He stopped and make inquiries with them why they were sitting there in the car. He was concerned if they were trying to steal it.

One of the old ladies replied, "What are you saying officer.... we just bought it."

The cop asked, "Then why don't you drive it away."

One of the ladies replied "We can't drive."

The cop asked, "Then why did you buy it?"

The old lady said, "We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed...so we're just waiting."

Birth control pills

A blonde couple - Brenda and her husband, Joe go to their pharmacist and begin to ask questions like if the pharmacy checks for medications past their expiration date and the reliability of a certain manufacturer that makes birth control pills. After answering their queries, the pharmacist asks them what is wrong. Brenda explains, "I have been using birth control pills and despite that, I continue to get pregnant."

The pharmacist is astonished and asks Brenda if she takes the pills every day.

Brenda replies, "My husband Joe takes them every day."

"Why???" the pharmacist looks questioningly at the blonde couple.

"Oh, after we read all those possible side-effects, Joe offered 'Listen honey... I don't want you taking that stuff.. it's too dangerous.....let ME take them.' "

Late night news

In America the late night news used to broadcast this message:
"It's 11 o'clock do you know where your children are?

In England they say
"Its 11 o'clock do you know where your wife is?

In France they say
"It's 11o'clock do you know where your husband is?"

In Poland they say
"It's 11 o'clock do you know what time it is?"

Not So Secret Agent Murphy

A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up some very sensitive information from an agent called Murphy. His instructions were to walk around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent. He found himself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a farmer.

"Hello, said the agent, "I'm looking for a man called Murphy."

"Well you're in luck," said the farmer. "As it happens, there's a village right over the hill where a butcher is called Murphy, the baker is named Murphy, and three widows are called Murphy. In fact, my name is Murphy."

"Aha," thought the agent, "here's my man." So he whispered the secret code: "The sun is shining ... the grass is growing ... the cows are ready for milking."

"Oh," said the farmer, "you're looking for Murphy the spy. He's in the village over the other direction."

Nancy - The Blonde Nun

Nancy, the blonde nun was praying in the church, when God decided to talk to her.

God's voice boomed from the heavens, "My child, I am very happy with you. You have always loved your fellow beings and always worked for the benefit of others. For all that you have done in your life, I not only want to thank and commend you, but wish you grant you anything that you want."

Nancy replied, "Oh dear Father, I am absolutely happy and satisfied. I am a bride of Christ. I am only following my heart. I have no desire for anything material. The Church supports me and I am comfortable the way I am."

God said, "There must be something you wish for."

Nancy replied, "Well, there is one thing."

God's voice boomed, "Just say it."

The blonde nun replied, "Well, it's these blonde jokes. They are so humiliating to blondes all over the world, including me. Can these blonde jokes stop?"

God replied, "Done, my dear child. It is erased from the minds of humans. Is there something that you want just for yourself?"

Nancy replied, "Well, there is something, but it's too petty, I don't want to bother you" said the nun.

God said, "Just tell me."

Nancy replied,"It's these M&M's, I find them so hard to peel..."

Deaf and Dumb Parents

Nick & Rachel decide to go on a date. Nick arrives at Rachel's house to take her out. She answers the door and he is surprised to see her wearing only a towel.

She says, "'I am so sorry, I was held up with something. I will get ready in just a few minutes. I will introduce you to my parents. You can talk to them while I am getting dressed. But let me warn you, they are both deaf mutes." She then guides him to the living room, introduces him to her parents and disappears.

The situation is a little uncomfortable as both of the parents are absolutely quiet. Rachel's father is watching soccer on TV and her mother is busy reading a newspaper. After a few moments of silence, the mother suddenly gets up from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her underwear and pours a glass of water over her butt. Likewise, Rachel's father launches himself across the room, bends her over the sofa and screws her from behind. He then relaxes in his chair and balances a match stick in front of his eye.

The room is plunged back into a creepy silence and Nick is too shocked to say anything. Just then, Rachel comes down fully dressed and ready to go out. The date is totally ruined as Nick is per-occupied by the events at Rachel's home. Towards the end, Rachel realizes that something is terribly wrong and asks, "Is everything okay? Why are you so lost?"

Nick replied, "I witnessed some bizarre events while I was waiting for you and I am still in shock. First your Mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her drawers & throws a glass of water over her behind. Then, your father contributes to the strange happenings by racing from his chair, pinning your mother down on the sofa and taking her from behind. He then sits back and places a match stick by his eye".

'Oh, that's nothing?' replies Rachel.

Nick can't believe her casual response.

Rachel continues, 'Mum was simply saying 'Are you going to get this a*shole a drink?' And Dad was replying 'No screw him, I'm watching the match!

The 16 Types of People On Facebook

The lawyer's son

The lawyer's only son, Danny wanted to follow the same career as his father, so he decided to go to law school. After he graduated with honors, he returned home to join his father's firm. It was his first day at work, and he rushed into his father's office, and said excitedly, "Dad, in just a day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for seven years!"

The senior lawyer responded: "You stupid fool, we could live on the funding of that case for another eight years!"

I got a dig bick

Broken Engagement

A cute nurse called Betty, who was upset about her broken engagement to a doctor, was sharing her feelings with a close friend.

"Do you mean to say," exclaimed the friend, "that idiot asked you to give back the ring and all his presents ?"

"Not just that," said Betty, "he sent me a bill for 26 visits."

Employee Suggestion Box

To Whom It May Concern

The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues.

In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his room and says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like."

Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife: "Doris, you'll never believe it: I'm completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you've never had before, wild, passionate sex....you'll love it!"

Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on my head if you croak while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was OK... maybe I would have such sex with you...."

Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor's office; his doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write the note. Let's see, here's my prescription pad: "Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz....... Now, I'll just address this.......By the way, Sol, what's your wife's first name?"

"Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, 'To Whom It May Concern"?

Need an Antidote

The wife of an older man is distraught because her husband's little sailor can't salute anymore.
She goes to her local doctor and explains the situation and the doctor just feels plain bad for her.
The doc thinks for a little bit, turns to the woman and says, "listen, I don't do this for everyone, but since your husband's on his way out...Get this prescription, and put three drops in his milk before he goes to bed." The wife is very happy and thanks the doc profusely.

Two weeks later, the doctor sees the woman and asks how it went.
The lady blushes, smiles and says, "well I put thirty drops in his milk by accident, and well, we just need an antidote now to close the coffin."

I would have

After working together for a while, Dick and Jane's office romance blossomed, and they really developed the hots for each other.
One day,they seize the opportunity to sneak into a supply closet to consummate their lust.
Dick finds Jane very tight, and difficult to enter, but finally succeeds.
When they are finished, Dick says to her, "If I had known you were a virgin, I would have taken more time!"
To which Jane replies "If I'd known you had more time, I would have taken off my pantyhose!"

Easiest to Operate

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
 The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangeable."

Who gave you the ten cents?"

After many months of trying to make ends meet, one California couple decided that the only way they were going to get any extra cash was to have the old lady start hooking.
Early the next morning the wife comes home looking very haggard and worn out.
The husband guiltily asks how she did, and the wife replies that she earned four hundred dollars and ten cents. "That`s great!" the husband replies.
"But who gave you the ten cents?"
 "Everybody!" replied the wife.

Food is the greatest strength and attraction

It was a practical session in the psychology class.

The professor showed a large cage with a male rat in it. The rat was in the middle of the cage.
Then, the professor kept a piece of cake on on side and kept a female rat on the other side.
The male rat ran towards the cake and ate it.

Then, the professor changed the cake and kept some bread. The male rat ran towards the bread. This experiment went on with the professor changing the food every time. And, every time, the male rat ran towards the food item and never towards the female rat.

Professor said: This experiment shows that food is the greatest strength and attraction.

Then, one of the students from the back rows said:- "Sir, please change the rat. She may be his wife".

You tell me which should I have hit?

Cop: How did you kill 50 people in a car crash?

Santa: I suddenly lost control.

Cop: Then what happened?

Santa: I saw 2 people on the right & a wedding party on the left. You tell me which should I have hit?

Cop: The 2 people on the right would have certainly caused less damage.

Santa: Exactly what I thought! I hit the 1st one but then the other one person ran into the wedding so I went after him!

St. Patrick

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care.

"The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right, he's unshakable!"

The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch."

So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your friends were trying to tell me."

Missing Dog

A Cumbrian farmer's dog goes missing and he is inconsolable.
His wife says to him, "why don't you put an ad in the paper to get him back".
The farmer does this, but after two weeks, no phone calls, the dog is still missing.
"What did you write in the paper?" asked his wife.

"Here boy," said the farmer.