Show Business

A man is hired by the circus to perform a necessary but rather unpleasant task. He is asked to walk behind the elephants in the center ring, shoveling aside their droppings as they walk about. After a rather difficult evening at work, he goes to the circus cafeteria, sits with other workers, and begins complaining about his work.

"It's just terrible work, walking behind those huge beasts and first dodging, then shoveling aside the dung they produce. My arms are tired, my shoes and pants are a mess, and I'll have to shower before I return home, because of the stink."

His friends at work agree: "Why don't you just quit this miserable job and find something more rewarding to do. You have to have some skills and talents that you can put to use somewhere else."

He looks at them, stunned: "You know, you're probably right, but I just can't give up the glamor of show business!"

German Pilot

An American pilot who had downed a German Messerschmidt, visited the German pilot in the field hospital. Finding the fellow in pretty bad shape, the American asked if he could do anything for him.

The Nazi admitted that he did have a favor to ask. “The leg they amputated, on your next bombing run, could you drop it over Germany?”

“Sure, pal.”

It was a pretty weird request, but the pilot was happy to oblige and came back to tell him the mission had been carried out.

The grateful German gasped his thanks, and another request. “The other leg got very bad, they had to cut it off. Could this, too, be dropped over my homeland? It would mean a great deal to me.”

The American shrugged, but returned two days later with the news that the job was done.

“Many thanks,” whispered the downed Nazi, now ashen faced and unable to lift his head from the pillow. “I have just one final request. Last night they had to amputate my right arm…”

“Now hang on just a darn minute,” interrupted the American angrily. “Are you trying to escape?”

You wouldn't dare shoot me

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"

Origin

Little Freddy was puzzled as to his origin.
"How did I get here, Mommy?"
His mother said, using a well-worn phrase, "God sent you."
"And did God send YOU, too Mommy?"
"Yes, Freddy, He did."
"And GRANDMA and GREAT GRANDMA and DADDY, too?"
Again the answer was "Yes, Freddy, He did." Little Freddy shook his head in disbelief.
"Then you mean to tell me there's been no "f*cking" in this family for 100 years?!?!?
No wonder everyone is so cranky!"

Top 10 reason my hand is better than a women

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I'm Loving It

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6 weeks, 6 months and 6 years later

Dating process:
6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?

Back from Work:
6 weeks : Honey, I'm home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??

Gifts:
6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room.
6 years : Here's the money. Buy yourself something.

Phone Ringing:
6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : PHONE RINGING...RINGING.....

Cooking:
6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years : AGAIN!!!!

Apology:
6 weeks : Honey Honey, don't you worry, I ll never hold this against you.
6 months : Watch out! Don't do it again.
6 years : What's not to understand about what I just said??

New Dress:
6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months : You bought a new dress again???
6 years : How much did THAT cost me?

TV:
6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months : I like this movie.
6 years : I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself . . .

Hope you have said hello to them

Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two!

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazines

"Hi darling", he says, "your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Hope you have said hello to them.

Well-known proverb said by kids

A teacher had twenty-six students in her class She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1. Don't change horses .................... until they stop running.

2. Strike while the.................................. bug is close.

3. It's always darkest before................. Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of.................. termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but............... how?

6. Don't bite the hand that........................ looks dirty.

7. No news is.......................... impossible.

8. A miss is as good as a.......................... Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog new..................... math.

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll................. stink in the morning.

11.Love all, trust.................................. me.

12. The pen is mightier than the............... pigs.

13. An idle mind is............................... the best way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's................. pollution.

15. Happy the bride who.................. gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is..................... not much.

17. Two's company, three's.................... the Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what................. you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and........... you have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as........................ Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not.................. spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don't succeed...................... get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you................... see in the picture on the box.

24. When the blind lead the blind.................... get out of the way.

25. A bird in the hand..................................... is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one!

26. Better late than............................. pregnant.

Who says chemistry is easy!!!

Chemistry is Complicated ...

2 Guys Conversation in Bathroom During Test ..
G1 : You Gotta Help Me !
G2 : I Am Just here For Peeing . I can't Help During test

G1 : Please Dude ... I Am Gonna Fail
G2 : Okey Be Quick .. Ask Me ?

G1 : Whats Abbreviation For Nobelium ?
G2 : NO

G1 : But You Said You Will Tell Me...
G2 : NO !

G1 : Ok Leave it Tell me Whats Sodium ?
G2 : Na !

G1 : Damn Atleast Tell me Of Potassium ?
G2 : Hmm K !

G1 : What's Okay ?
G2 : Just K !

G1 : Whats Just OK ?
G2 : You Mean OK2 ?

G1 : Whats OK Too ?
G2 : Potassium Oxide ..

G1 : Oxide ?
G2 : O

G1 : Oh ! What ??
G2 : Oxygen

G1 : Damn Not Oxygen I Asked For Potassium ?
G2 : K

G1 : NO
G2 : Nobelium

G1 : Nobelium ?
G2 : NO

G1 : Just Give Me The Bonus Question Answer . Whats Element166 ?
G2 : Uhh

G1 :Go On ?
G2 : UHH

G1 : UHH ??
G2 : Exactly

G1 : NO WHAT IS IT ???
G2 : Nobelium

G1 : Damn For God Sake At least Tell me For URANIUM ?
G2 : That's U !

G1 : I Know That's Up to Me ... But I Am Asking Your Help
G2 : U !

G1 : NO YOU !!!
G2 : Nobelium . Uranium

G1 : You Are An A$$
G2 : URANIUM (U) ARGON (AR) NITROGEN (N) Arsenic (AS)
U AR N AS

G1 : You Are An A$$
G2 : Exactly !!

G1 : Baaah !!!
G2 : Barium ! ....

Same Thing

A guy enters a confessional booth in a church and says to the priest with guilt..........
"I had an affair....almost"

The priest says "what do you mean.........almost?"

The guy says "well we got undressed and rubbed against each other, but then I stopped"...

"In the eyes of the lord rubbing against each other is the same as putting it in" says the priest..'
"for your penance say 5 hail Marys and put some money in the poor box".

The guy leaves the confessional, says his prayers.................then walks over to the poor box.

He pauses for a moment..... then starts to leave.....!!!!

The priest seeing this, quickly runs over to him and says,"you didn't put any money in the poor box".

The guy stops and says'.............

"yeah but I rubbed the money on the box, and in the eyes of the lord that's the same thing as putting it in"....... ........

Any idea about what is 69

Once a girl is quite fantasized about "69". She has a regular boyfriend they have never done it before.

One day she invites her boyfriend to her apartment for romantic dinner.

After heavy dinner, she tells him that she wants to do "69".

But the Boyfriend doesn't have any idea about what is 69. Girlfriend gets upset but thinks that she can teach him how to do 69. she asks him to lay down...and she then lays on top of him in reverse direction so as in 69. The boyfriend is confused but is eager to know about 69. so he does as the Girlfriend tells him to do.

they lay down in this position for about 2 min. she is thinking that He will, by the time, get excited by this. but suddenly the GF has to let go one Fart...directly on her boyfriend's face.

Girlfriend quickly apologizes and asks him to stay in that position for some more time. After 1 min she has to let go one another fart....this time bigger than the previous.

The boyfriend quickly throws her away, gets up, starts dressing up and yells at her..
"If you think I am gonna take 67 more like this, you are MAD"

Green side up

A real estate agent is showing a new four-storey house to an affluent young couple, who are somewhat bewildered by his behavior. On every landing, the estate agent stops, opens the window, and shouts out: "Green side up!". Finally, the young couple ask him why.

"I've got some Irishmen laying down the new lawn," he explains, "and I've got to make sure they do it right".

Late night drinking

Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways. The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."

The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"

The room was silent for a moment.

Then, the first girl spoke out again, "Listen girls, I don't think you understand... Chunks is my Dog!!"

How long will he be on crutches?

When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist.
While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, thought rare his condition could be
corrected by minor surgery.
The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need
for surgery.
"How long will he be on crutches?" she asked.
"Crutches???" the doctor asked
"Well, yes," the woman said "You are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"

Tactful

The Captain called the Sergeant in. “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones’ mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.”

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. “Listen up, men,” says the Sergeant. “Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander.”

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. “Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn’t you be a bit more tactful, next time?”

“Yes, sir,” answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath’s mother died. You’d better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful.”

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. “Ok, men, fall in and listen up.” “Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward.” “Not so fast, McGrath!”

Expert Mode

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Wife’s been hit by a truck

A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock at the front door.
He opens it to find two sheriff’s deputies there. He asks if there is a problem.
One of the deputies asks if he is married.
The man replies, “Yes, I am.”
The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man’s wife.
The guy says, “Sure…” and gets a photo to show them.
The deputy says, “I’m sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife’s been hit by a truck.”
The guy replies, “I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook.”

Thing's You Really Didn't Want To Know..

During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 liter of urine.

In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles etc.)

An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubichairs.

In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!

Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.

At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.

Daily you will breath in 1 liter of other peoples' anal gases.

Personal favor

"Mr. Chilton," the analyst said, "I think this will be your last visit."

"Does that mean I'm cured?" he asked.

"For all practical purposes, yes," she said. "I think we can safely say that your kleptomania is now under control. You haven't stolen anything in two years, and you seem to know where the kleptomania came from."

"Well, that's terrific, Doctor. Before I go, I'd like to tell you something. Although our relationship is strictly professional, it's been one of the most rewarding of my life. I wish I could do something to repay you for helping me."

"You've paid my fee," the doctor said. "That's the only responsibility you have."

"I know," Chilton said. "But isn't there some personal favor I could do for you?"

"Well," the doctor said, "I'll tell you what. If you ever suffer a relapse, my son could use a nice portable color television."

An Atheist in Amazon

An evil Atheist explorer in the depths of the Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives.

Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!"

A ray of light shines down from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So, the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.

As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily, surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, God's voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."

Ultimatum

A man walked into his office and told his male co-workers his wife had given him an ultimatum:
until he quit smoking, he wasn't going to get any sex.

They asked him, "How long do you think you'll be able to hold out?"

"Until my girlfriend dies or I get arthritis of the wrist."

My wife wasn't used to it sir..!

In a party, a General proudly said that he did 10 times with his wife on his wedding night.

A Brigadier next to him said that he did it 6 times before going to sleep 1st night.

A Colonel claimed he did it 4 times on his first night.

General turned towards a young Lieutenant and asked how many times did he do on his wedding night..

Lieutenant replied: Only once sir.

General laughed loudly and asked: WHY??

Lieutenant replied: My wife wasn't used to it sir..!

Fujifoo! Fugifoo!

An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it with her all night. She kept screaming, “Fujifoo! Fugifoo!” The American thought she was screaming in pleasure.

The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said “Fujifoo!” One Japanese man looked at him confused and said, “No, you got the right hole.”

It's quivering a little

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.

The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought. When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves, as he is "having company for dinner."

As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, One of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread. After many trips she is tired and irritated, and begins to wonder, "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"

Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.
Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," stammers Steve, "but it's quivering a little."

My wife loves my beard

A married man was visiting his girlfriend one day, when she requested that he shave his beard.
"Oh, James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."
James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!"
"Oh, please?" the girlfriend asked again in a sexy little voice.
"Really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!"
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in.
That night, James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
The wife woke up somewhat, felt his face, and replied "Oh, Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!"

Flying Blonde

A blonde went to a flight school insisting that she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"

The Bus Driver

A guy gets on a bus and notices a nun sitting over in a corner. Through her heavy head piece he just spots a glimmer of her face. Gorgeous! She moves, and her vestments cannot hide the fact she has a truly phenomenal body. The guy gets more and more excited until he finally approaches the nun and says, "Sister, I don't normally do this sort of thing, but I think I love you. Can we get together some time?"

The nun leaves the bus in a huff.

Later as the guy is about to leave the bus himself, the bus driver asks the guy if he was the one who was bothering the nun. The guy again apologizes, explaining once again that he seldom did this sort of thing, but the bus driver says: "No, don't apologize, I was checking her out myself. In fact, let me do you a favor. Did you see where she got off? There's a little park there, and every day she goes there to pray at the same time. Go there tomorrow, and maybe you'll get lucky!"

The guy thanks him and leaves.

Sure enough, the guy goes to the park and there's the little nun in a secluded spot by some trees. He goes off into the bushes, and comes back a few minutes later in a long white robe, a long blond wig with beard and a crown of thorns. The nun is flabbergasted, and asks what she can do for him. He says that every couple of thousand years, he likes to come back to earth to get laid. The nun says that she'd love to help him, but that she was on her period, and would the back door be OK?

He says fine, and they commence their activities.

A few minutes into it, he is suddenly overcome with a blast of guilt, and says, panting, "Sister, I have to tell you something. I'm not really Jesus, I'm actually the guy who was annoying you on the bus yesterday."

The nun says, "Oh, that's OK. In fact, I'm not really a nun. I'm actually the bus driver."

Nymphomaniac

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."
"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

Cigarette Lighter

A young girl who was a heavy smoker invested in a cigarette lighter to economize in matches. After a short time it began to give trouble.  So she spoke to a gentleman who had one, having just seen him light a cigarette with it and put it in his pocket.

She: Now be a dear and tell me about that thing you have there in your trousers.

He: (Misunderstanding her and feeling a bit embarrassed) I'm not used to discussing such things with ladies.

She: Now there is no need to be shy. Tell me, how does yours work? Do you j*rk it up and down?

He: Oh, sometimes...

She: Then it's different from mine, mine just opens and shuts. Do you rub yours up and down until something comes?

He: Oh yes, especially in cold weather.

She: Have you ever tried pulling your wick and dipping it?

He: No, most certainly not!

She: Oh. You should, it does it good. You never soaked it before then?

He: Of course I haven't.

She: You should try it then sometime, it takes the stiffness out of it.

He: Er, well... I'm afraid that you are a naughty girl.

She: (Thinking he referred to smoking) Oh, every girl does it nowadays anyway. What about your wick, is it a long one?

He: Yes, it is rather on the long side.

She: I think I will have to try a bigger one because the one I use does not seem to go far enough to do any good. Does yours go red on the end when it's dry?

He: Yes.

She: So does mine. In the past mine has been giving me much trouble. Would you like to have a look at it?

He: No no, not now. We had better wait until it's dark.

She: Don't be ridiculous, you can see much better in the daylight. It has been leaking these past few days so I have put a rag around it. I'll unwind it now (opening her handbag and producing her lighter). Look, here it is (dashing her lighter). It has run out again, damn... now I'll have to go back to matches.

The young man collapses.

Trust your Doctor

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him.
"You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."