Redneck Vampire

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I'll give you a hint

A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine.

"Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.

"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time."

Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!"


A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated."
The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table."
The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends him into the bathroom.
He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great.
What should I do?"
The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."

Oh yes you are!

"First," said the playboy,
"I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose."
"Oh no you're not," said the girl.
"Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks."
"Oh no you're not."
"Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks."
"Oh no you're not."
"Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you."
"Oh no you're not."
"And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy.
"Oh yes you are!" said the girl.

A Story

A Story

Last day on the job

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

Cute Baby

When we brought our new-born son to the pediatrician for his first checkup, the doctor said, "You have a cute baby."

Smiling, I said, "I'll bet you say that to all the new parents."

"No," he replied, "just to those whose babies are really good-looking."

"So what do you say to the others?" I asked.

"He looks just like you."

Please Follow All Instructions


Grounds for Divorce

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please. . ." he tried again,"is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He says he can't communicate with me !!"

Facebook Addict


Life's Truths for Adults

  1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

  2. There is nothing worse than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

  3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

  4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

  5. Really, how ARE you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

  6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

  7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

  8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

  9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

  10. Bad decisions make good stories.

  11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

  12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection ... again.

  13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

  14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

  15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Shoot!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

  16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

  17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

  18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

  19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

  20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

  21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.

  22. I would rather try to carry ten over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take two trips to bring my groceries in.

  23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

  24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

  25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

  26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

  27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

  28. Is it just me, or do high school kids get dumber and dumber every year?

  29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

  30. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch three consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

  31. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'll bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from three feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

A Considerate Man's Thoughts for Women

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation.

When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year ago, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job both for extra income and for health insurance benefits that we need. She was a trained lab tech when we met thirty some years ago and was fortunate to land a job at the local medical center as a phlebotomist.

It was shortly after she started working at this job that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper.

I try not to yell at her when this happens. Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand that she is not as young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when she finally does get supper on the table.

She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.

Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger, Nancy used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not get tired.

Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it.

Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday's lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming, or dusting.

Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace.

Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you, but just enough for me to notice. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.

In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.

When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she said she had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.

I overlook comments like these because I realize it's just age talking. In fact, I try to not embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily basis.

I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older.

My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the effort. I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average man.

However guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.

Bad Neighbour

A judge asked a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."
From out in the audience a man shouted, "Lying bastard!"
"Silence in the court!", the judge shouted back to the man.
He turned to the defendant and said, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
"Tightwad!", blurted the man again.
"Quiet!", yelled the judge who continued, "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"Son of a..." the man started to shout when the judge thundered back,
"If you don't tell me reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!"
So the man answered, "I've lived next to that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one!"

I bought something for the house

The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.

"Do you realize what time it is?" she asked. He answered, "Don't get excited. I'm late because I bought something for the house."

Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked, "What did you buy for the house, dear?" His answer was, "A round of drinks!"

Dirty Pirates

A pirate is starting his first day aboard his new ship and the captain is giving him the tour. ''There's the plank for trouble makers, there's the deck that needs swabbing everyday and there's the barrel for all you sexual needs.''

''Whatcha mean? my sexual needs?''

''Well, you stick your willy in the hole and you'll be serviced, anytime you want, except for Wednesdays.''

''What happens on Wednesdays?''

''It's your turn in the barrel...''

Types of Men in the urinal

Types Of Men You May Meet In The Mens Urinal

EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips his shorts.

SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to go or not.

CROSSEYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is hung.

TIMID: Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal and comes back later.

INDIFFERENT: All urinals being in use, he pisses in the sink.

CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on the floor.

WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes a quick inspection.

FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.

ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out his tie, pisses in his pants.

CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.

SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows the man in the next stall will get blamed.

PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.

DESPERATE: Waits in a long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.

EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, and then does both.

FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses on shoes.

LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.

DRUNK: Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.

DISGRUNTLED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.

CONCEITED: Holds two inch dick like a baseball bat.

Spot the Error

spot the error

The Perfect Computer


Tip the Dealer

A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.

The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. And, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously has nothing to do with it. So, why should I tip him?"

The dealer replied, "When you eat out, do you tip the waiter?"

"Yes, sure I do," responded the player.

"Well then, he serves you food, and I'm serving you cards. So you see, you should tip me."

"Okay, I see your point," agreed the player. "But, the waiter gives me what I ask for ... I'll take an eight."

What does a girls profile pic tells you

  1. If she is very beautiful with 1000's of friends , its fake.

  2. Her profile pic has lovely Katrina on it, she is shy , ugly or both....

  3. There is a guy in the pic along with her,... she is already booked.

  4. There are more than one girl in the pic,.... she is most probably the ugliest one.

  5. The pic is taken from a side angle of her face.... she is most probably fat.

  6. The pic is taken from far away.... definitely not a fake profile, just try to zoom in with your eye lenses to figure out more of her.

  7. The pic is of a baby, cake, heart or any other stupid thing,... most probably a teen who needs to grow up.

  8. A pic with a ugly face.... click the back button as soon as you can before anyone catches you red handed...: )

  9. A pic with a beautiful face and all profile info hidden,... she is probably the one for you :P... but don't be so excited, she wont accept your friend request.

  10. A pic with a guy's face,.... wrong number... :p

Monkey on the dashboard

A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard. After a few miles, he asks the driver what the monkey is for.

The driver says "I'll show you," and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.

The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker oral gratification.

When finished, the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.

"See that?" said the trucker.

The man said, "Yeah."

The trucker ask the man, "You want to try it?"

The man said, "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"

Don't you ever stop

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? ....Where have you been? ...Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it". And on and on and on it went.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

Priest on Board

A truckie gives a lift to a priest. Later, as he's barrelling down the road, he sees an Abo ahead, he plants the foot down, and speeds towards him. At the last moment he remembers he's got the priest on board, and swerves, just missing the Abo.

"I'm terribly sorry about that, Father".

"That's OK, my son, I got him with the door".

Facebook Update

The maid did not show up for work so the house wife called her in an angry voice and scolded her.

"What is wrong with you? If you were not to come you should have told me."

The Maid explained, “Ma’am I had already announced on my facebook page that I was taking a trip to Mexico for a week to see my family. Ma'am you should remain updated on Facebook. If you still had a question then you should have asked."

Wife: "So you are on Facebook too?"

Maid: "Ma’am who is not? Every time I announce on Facebook your husband sends me well wishes, sympathy and help. This time he said have a nice trip home, enjoy and comeback soon as I will miss you. He pleaded, please save me from my wife’s cooking."

The Attorney's Heart

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, "You're in luck -- two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker."

The man quickly responds, "The attorney's."

The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"

The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney probably never used his. So I'll take the attorney's heart!"

Three Texans

Three Texans go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail only to find out that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one is strapped into the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words.

He says, "I am from the Baylor School of Divinity, and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want this guy to die and they let him go.

The second one is strapped in and gives his last words: "I am from the University of Texas School of Law, and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

They throw the switch and again nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy's side, so they let him go too.

The last one is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm a Texas Aggie Electrical Engineer, and I'll tell you right now you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't connect them two wires."

New Year's Resolutions for HIM and HER

Her - Lose weight / Go on a diet / Drink more water
Him - One case beer per weekend (unless having guys over or Superbowl weekend)

Her - ONLY one chocolate bar per week
Him - ONLY three nights at topless bar per week

Her - Workout - Jog/Step Bench 5 times week
Him - Move furniture to find lost little black book and bedroom TV remote

Her - Subscribe to Shape/Fitness Magazine
Him - Call 1-800 number to get on Victoria's Secret catalog mailing list

Her - Go on romantic second date with Bob/Accounting
Him - Score on second date with Suzy/Marketing

Her - Get organized/clean house
Him - Give old Penthouse mags to Goodwill (or younger brother)

Her - Buy new Daily Planner
Him - Buy new little Black Book if no luck under furniture

Her - Find out name of tall good-looking guy in Finance
Him - Score with tall, long-legged Blond in Finance

Her - Read More / Less TV
Him - Buy Dish - More sports channels!!

Her - Watch quality TV with positive messages
Him - When surfing DO NOT stop on "Allie McBeal" -EVER

Her - Plan budget / Save more money
Him - Only three nights at topless bar per week

What they want, what they get

What women want
What women want in a relationship: A handsome, loving professional man who will just love them for who they are.

What they get
What women get: A fat, balding fart machine who stays with them only because no other woman wants him.

What men want
What men want in a woman: A combination of Carol Brady and Pamela Lee Anderson; Wonderful Mom with big hooters and can suck the chrome off a flag pole.

What men get
What men get: Someone who immediately begins to gain those 80 extra lbs. the moment after she says "I Do", beginning with the wedding cake!

Yo mama's so skinny

Yo mama's so skinny, I could blind-fold her with dental floss.
Yo mama's so skinny, her nipples touch.
Yo mama's so skinny, she turned sideways and disappeared.
Yo mama's so skinny, she looks like a mic stand.
Yo mama's so skinny, if she had a sesame seed on her head, she'd look like a push pin.
Yo mama's so skinny, if she turned sideways and stuck out her tongue, she would look like a zipper.
Yo mama's so skinny, when she wore her yellow dress, she looked like a #2 pencil.
Yo mama's so skinny, she can see out the peephole with both eyes.
Yo mama's so skinny, she can dodge rain drops.
Yo mama's so skinny, she only has one stripe on her pajamas.
Yo mama's so skinny, she has to wear skis in the shower.
Yo mama's so skinny, she has to run around in the shower to get wet.
Yo mama's so skinny, when she takes a bath and lets the water out, her toes get caught in the drain.

Hans Olaffsen's Laundry

This guy is walking through Chinatown and sees a building with a sign "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."

"Hans Olaffsen?", he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?"

So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place
get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"

The old man answers "Is name of owner."

The visitor asks "Well, who is the owner?"

"I am he," answers the old man.

"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"

The old man replies, "Many years ago when I come to this country, I was standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of me
was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go,

"What your name?"

He say, " Hans Olaffsen."

She look at me say, "What your name?"

I say, "Sam Ting."