Reminiscing
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, the demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, the demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
What ever are we going to do
One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen.
“What’s wrong dearest??” asked the confused husband.
“Oh darling,” sobbed the wife, “I was cleaning little Suzie’s room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do???”
“Well,” replied the man, “I guess a spanking is out of the question?”
“What’s wrong dearest??” asked the confused husband.
“Oh darling,” sobbed the wife, “I was cleaning little Suzie’s room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do???”
“Well,” replied the man, “I guess a spanking is out of the question?”
Rich People
A rich man opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined.
"You rich people are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!", retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my goodness...," replied the rich man, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?!!!!!"
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined.
"You rich people are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!", retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my goodness...," replied the rich man, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?!!!!!"
First worry
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
Four engineers traveling in a car
There are four engineers traveling in a car;:
A mechanical engineer
A chemical engineer
An electrical engineer
A computer engineer.
The car breaks down.
“Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We’ll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again”, says the mechanical engineer.
“Well”, says the chemical engineer, “it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system.”
“I thought it might be a grounding problem”, says the electrical engineer, “or maybe a faulty plug lead.”
They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: “Well, what do you think?”
“Ummm perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?”
A mechanical engineer
A chemical engineer
An electrical engineer
A computer engineer.
The car breaks down.
“Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We’ll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again”, says the mechanical engineer.
“Well”, says the chemical engineer, “it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system.”
“I thought it might be a grounding problem”, says the electrical engineer, “or maybe a faulty plug lead.”
They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: “Well, what do you think?”
“Ummm perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?”
Funny One Liners
** If marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have in-laws.
** Birthdays are good for you - the more you have, the longer you live.
** Constant change is here to stay.
** Buy one for the price of two and get another one free!
** Vanna White's in a rehab center. She's hooked on phonics.
** A watched clock never boils.
** A word to the wise is unnecessary.
** All generalizations are dangerous, even this one.
** I'd like to go to an assertiveness training class. First I need to check with my wife.
** The teacher asked my son, "If you have five apples and I ask you for one, how many will you have?" My son answered, "Five."
** Money isn't everything. There's Mastercard & Visa.
** Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.
** "Your future depends on your dreams." So go to sleep.
** There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning.
** God made us relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.
** Birthdays are good for you - the more you have, the longer you live.
** Constant change is here to stay.
** Buy one for the price of two and get another one free!
** Vanna White's in a rehab center. She's hooked on phonics.
** A watched clock never boils.
** A word to the wise is unnecessary.
** All generalizations are dangerous, even this one.
** I'd like to go to an assertiveness training class. First I need to check with my wife.
** The teacher asked my son, "If you have five apples and I ask you for one, how many will you have?" My son answered, "Five."
** Money isn't everything. There's Mastercard & Visa.
** Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.
** "Your future depends on your dreams." So go to sleep.
** There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning.
** God made us relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.
Good for babies up to 18 pounds
A blonde girl brought her baby boy to the doctor and told him. "Doc, my little Paddy just cries and cries all the time. What do you think the problem is?"
Taking the baby from her, the doctor noticed a strong odor, where- upon he looked into Paddy's nappy. "Why, Mary!" he exclaimed.
"The problem is that there's at least 16 pounds of yellow sh*t in your son's drawers!"
"Naw, that can't be it," the girl replied. "On the box it said "Good for babies up to 18 pounds." So he's got two more to go."
Taking the baby from her, the doctor noticed a strong odor, where- upon he looked into Paddy's nappy. "Why, Mary!" he exclaimed.
"The problem is that there's at least 16 pounds of yellow sh*t in your son's drawers!"
"Naw, that can't be it," the girl replied. "On the box it said "Good for babies up to 18 pounds." So he's got two more to go."
Vulgar language
A man walks into a bank, and after waiting for 20 minutes in line, he goes straight to a customer service rep. and says, "Hey, lady, I got this here check for deposit and I'll be goddamned if I am going to wait my ass on line anymore."
"Please", says the woman. "I won't have that kind of language in this bank."
"Well excuse me, but this fuckin' check ain't drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin' away about my language."
"Sir, I don't have to take this abuse" she says.
"Well then let's get the fuckin' manager okay? I mean what kind of shit is this I have to take from you?"
The manager is summoned, and says "What seems to be the problem?"
The woman says, "This man is using vulgar language and I won't stand for it."
The man says "Hey alls I'm trying to do in this goddamned bank, for Christ's sake is deposit this fuckin' check for 15 million dollars."
The manager looks at the check and then at the man and says "And this fuckin' bitch won't help you?"
"Please", says the woman. "I won't have that kind of language in this bank."
"Well excuse me, but this fuckin' check ain't drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin' away about my language."
"Sir, I don't have to take this abuse" she says.
"Well then let's get the fuckin' manager okay? I mean what kind of shit is this I have to take from you?"
The manager is summoned, and says "What seems to be the problem?"
The woman says, "This man is using vulgar language and I won't stand for it."
The man says "Hey alls I'm trying to do in this goddamned bank, for Christ's sake is deposit this fuckin' check for 15 million dollars."
The manager looks at the check and then at the man and says "And this fuckin' bitch won't help you?"
Painless way to save money
As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table.
One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.
To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife "What's up with all the notes?", to his wife which replies, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are."
One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.
To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife "What's up with all the notes?", to his wife which replies, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are."
Superior Culture
A Greek and an Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so it goes on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so it goes on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"
Milking your cow
A young man was staying on a farm with his uncle and aunt for the summer.
One morning the aunt and uncle walked in the kitchen and the young man was drinking an extremely large glass of milk.
The young man said "I took the liberty of milking your cow this morning!" He then continues and says "it took me a while to get her started up. She must be old and stubbly."
The uncle says with a confused look " Um son we don't have a cow...We have a bull!"
One morning the aunt and uncle walked in the kitchen and the young man was drinking an extremely large glass of milk.
The young man said "I took the liberty of milking your cow this morning!" He then continues and says "it took me a while to get her started up. She must be old and stubbly."
The uncle says with a confused look " Um son we don't have a cow...We have a bull!"
How many does it take?
Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous woman. Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her. He buys her a drink and then another and then another.
After this and the accompanying small-talk, Joe asks her back to his place for a "good time."
"Look," says the woman, "what do you think I am? I don't turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!"
"OK," replies Joe, "so how many does it take?"
After this and the accompanying small-talk, Joe asks her back to his place for a "good time."
"Look," says the woman, "what do you think I am? I don't turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!"
"OK," replies Joe, "so how many does it take?"
Perception
Two women friends chatting in office:
Woman 1: I had a fine evening, how was yours?
Woman 2: It was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: How was your evening?
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour; and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! After all, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!
LOL!!
Woman 1: I had a fine evening, how was yours?
Woman 2: It was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: How was your evening?
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour; and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! After all, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!
LOL!!
The Perfect Day
The Perfect Day - Her
8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms
The Perfect Day - Him
6:45 Alarm.
7:00 Shower and massage.
7:30 Blowjob.
7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:30 Blowjob.
12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew
(topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue
Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six
Heinekens, nap.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary
and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves
graphic pictures and large farm animals).
9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare),
Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963
(magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab
and leave.
Midnight Blowjob
Sleep
8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms
The Perfect Day - Him
6:45 Alarm.
7:00 Shower and massage.
7:30 Blowjob.
7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:30 Blowjob.
12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew
(topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue
Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six
Heinekens, nap.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary
and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves
graphic pictures and large farm animals).
9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare),
Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963
(magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab
and leave.
Midnight Blowjob
Sleep
Prostate test
After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.
As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.
"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.
"I haven't got an erection" said the man.
"No, but I have" replied the nurse.
As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.
"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.
"I haven't got an erection" said the man.
"No, but I have" replied the nurse.
Dog Food
A middle aged woman stopped at the local grocery store each day for months, she always bought just one large can of dog food. One day the grocery clerk ask the woman what kind of dog she had? she replied, I don't have a dog, my husband eats this for his lunch each day and he likes it.
The clerk said, madam this is not fit for human consumption, it could make him sick, maybe even kill him. The woman purchased the dog food and left.
This continued daily for months, then she stopped coming into the store. Several week later she stopped in and bought a loaf of bread, the clerk ask if she wanted any dog food, she replied,
no, my husband passed away several weeks ago.
The clerk said I tried to warn you, that dog food could kill your husband. The woman said, OH,
the dog food had nothing to do with it, he was crossing the road and stopped to lick his a*s, and was hit by a car.
The clerk said, madam this is not fit for human consumption, it could make him sick, maybe even kill him. The woman purchased the dog food and left.
This continued daily for months, then she stopped coming into the store. Several week later she stopped in and bought a loaf of bread, the clerk ask if she wanted any dog food, she replied,
no, my husband passed away several weeks ago.
The clerk said I tried to warn you, that dog food could kill your husband. The woman said, OH,
the dog food had nothing to do with it, he was crossing the road and stopped to lick his a*s, and was hit by a car.
Will you hold my hand?
Barbara was with her psychiatrist, Dr. Steinberg. Suddenly, she asked him “Will you kiss me?” Shocked, Dr. Steinberg replied abruptly “Certainly not! We must preserve a distance in this sort of relationship.”
“Well…” Barbara said, “Will you hold my hand?”
“Not even that,” Dr. Steinberg said. “It’s important that we keep this on a non-emotional basis.”
Barbara ponders for a moment then asks, “Will you at least tell me that you love me?”
“Try to understand…” Dr. Steinberg told Barbara, “I can’t kiss you, I can’t hold your hand, I can’t even tell you that I love you. We shouldn’t even be in bed together!”
“Well…” Barbara said, “Will you hold my hand?”
“Not even that,” Dr. Steinberg said. “It’s important that we keep this on a non-emotional basis.”
Barbara ponders for a moment then asks, “Will you at least tell me that you love me?”
“Try to understand…” Dr. Steinberg told Barbara, “I can’t kiss you, I can’t hold your hand, I can’t even tell you that I love you. We shouldn’t even be in bed together!”
You know you are living in 2011 when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the shopping.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go home and get it !!
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your tea or coffee
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message to.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list !!
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the shopping.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go home and get it !!
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your tea or coffee
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message to.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list !!
Little opossum
Late one night a couple is driving down a country highway and run over an opossum.
Knowing that mother opossums often carry babies in their pouch, they decide to check out this poor animal. Sure enough there was a baby, so they decide to rescue it.
They take it into the car and continue down the road. The little opossum is scared and squirming around like crazy so the wife asks her husband what she should do?
He thinks for a minute and says,
"Well it's used to being in it's mother's pouch. Maybe if you unbutton your jeans, and put it in "there" it will calm down."
She exclaims, "I'm not going to do that! That thing is smelly and nasty!"
The husband replies, "Well why don't you just hold it's little nose then?"
Knowing that mother opossums often carry babies in their pouch, they decide to check out this poor animal. Sure enough there was a baby, so they decide to rescue it.
They take it into the car and continue down the road. The little opossum is scared and squirming around like crazy so the wife asks her husband what she should do?
He thinks for a minute and says,
"Well it's used to being in it's mother's pouch. Maybe if you unbutton your jeans, and put it in "there" it will calm down."
She exclaims, "I'm not going to do that! That thing is smelly and nasty!"
The husband replies, "Well why don't you just hold it's little nose then?"
Cure by Computer
One day Pete was complaining to his friend "my elbow hurts. I better see a doctor". His friend said "Don't do that. There's a computer in the drug store that can diagnose anything. It's quicker and cheaper than visiting a doctor. Simply put a urine sample in the machine and it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine sample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weird nose and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small slip of paper printed. It said:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water,
avoid heavy labor,
it will be better in two weeks.
Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Pete began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine and deposited $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:
Your water is hard,
get a softener.
Your dog has worms,
get him shots.
Your daughter's using cocaine,
get her into a rehab clinic.
Your wife's pregnant,
it's not yours,
get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off,
Your tennis elbow will never get better!
Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine sample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weird nose and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small slip of paper printed. It said:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water,
avoid heavy labor,
it will be better in two weeks.
Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Pete began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine and deposited $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:
Your water is hard,
get a softener.
Your dog has worms,
get him shots.
Your daughter's using cocaine,
get her into a rehab clinic.
Your wife's pregnant,
it's not yours,
get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off,
Your tennis elbow will never get better!
Things You Learn in Texas
Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in Texas.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas plus a couple that have not been identified yet.
Onced and Twiced are words.
It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.
People actually grow and eat okra.
"Fixinto" is one word.
There is no such thing as "lunch." There is only dinner and then there is supper.
Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!
DJeet? means "Did you eat?"
You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
You measure distance in minutes.
You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.
The first day of deer season is a national holiday.
100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm." We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.
A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.
We don't need no stinking driver's Ed . . . If our mama says we can drive, we can drive.
There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in Texas.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas plus a couple that have not been identified yet.
Onced and Twiced are words.
It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.
People actually grow and eat okra.
"Fixinto" is one word.
There is no such thing as "lunch." There is only dinner and then there is supper.
Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!
DJeet? means "Did you eat?"
You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
You measure distance in minutes.
You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.
The first day of deer season is a national holiday.
100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm." We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.
A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.
We don't need no stinking driver's Ed . . . If our mama says we can drive, we can drive.
A Cuban, a Scot, a Spaniard, and an Irishman
A Cuban, a Scot, a Spaniard, and an Irishman are sharing a carriage on a train to Belfast.
The Cuban lights up this enormous Cuban cigar, takes one short drag from it and flings the cigar out the window.
The other three look at him in amazement and ask why he just threw out a full Cuban cigar.
He says, "I'm from Cuba, we have thousands of those things back home."
The Scot pulls out a litre bottle of Bells Whiskey, a 50 year-old bottle, takes a short measure glass, half fills it, knocks it back and flings the remainder of the bottle out the window.
The other three are in shock, ask him why he just threw away a near full bottle of fine malt Scottish whiskey??!!
He replies, "I'm Scottish, we have thousands of those things at home."
The Spaniard pulls out a flagon of red wine, a 100 year-old classic. He takes a couple of sips, licks his lips, and flings the remainder of the wine out the window.
The other three ask him why he just threw away a near full bottle of classic wine, he replies, "I'm Spanish, I have thousands of those things back home."
The Irish then grabs the Spaniard and throws him out of the window.
The Cuban lights up this enormous Cuban cigar, takes one short drag from it and flings the cigar out the window.
The other three look at him in amazement and ask why he just threw out a full Cuban cigar.
He says, "I'm from Cuba, we have thousands of those things back home."
The Scot pulls out a litre bottle of Bells Whiskey, a 50 year-old bottle, takes a short measure glass, half fills it, knocks it back and flings the remainder of the bottle out the window.
The other three are in shock, ask him why he just threw away a near full bottle of fine malt Scottish whiskey??!!
He replies, "I'm Scottish, we have thousands of those things at home."
The Spaniard pulls out a flagon of red wine, a 100 year-old classic. He takes a couple of sips, licks his lips, and flings the remainder of the wine out the window.
The other three ask him why he just threw away a near full bottle of classic wine, he replies, "I'm Spanish, I have thousands of those things back home."
The Irish then grabs the Spaniard and throws him out of the window.
How Many American Tourists Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?
How Many American Tourists Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?
Fifteen.
Five to figure out how much the bulb costs in the local currency, four to comment on "how funny-looking" local lightbulbs are, three to hire a local person to change the bulb, two to take pictures, and one to buy postcards in case the pictures don't come out.
Fifteen.
Five to figure out how much the bulb costs in the local currency, four to comment on "how funny-looking" local lightbulbs are, three to hire a local person to change the bulb, two to take pictures, and one to buy postcards in case the pictures don't come out.
A very rare medical condition
A man and a woman were seated next to each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose,then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.
"I have never heard of that condition before," he said.
"Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper."
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose,then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.
"I have never heard of that condition before," he said.
"Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper."
The little sexy housewife
The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the room, he'd near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her.
When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a . . . well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret."
The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind,
decent man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man . . . "
The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes yes!"
"And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door . . ."
"Yes yes!"
"Would you help me move the refrigerator?"
When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a . . . well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret."
The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind,
decent man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man . . . "
The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes yes!"
"And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door . . ."
"Yes yes!"
"Would you help me move the refrigerator?"
Little Johnny in his math's class
Little Johnny was in his math's class one day when the teacher singled him out.
"If I gave you $20," the teacher began," and you gave $5 to Mary, $5 to Sally and $5 to Susan, what would you have?"
"An orgy," Johnny answered.
"If I gave you $20," the teacher began," and you gave $5 to Mary, $5 to Sally and $5 to Susan, what would you have?"
"An orgy," Johnny answered.
Criminal Lawyer
A man walks into the local Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. Seeing a man at the counter, the stranger asks, "Is there a criminal lawyer in town?"
To which the man behind the counter immediately quips, "Yes, but we haven't been able to prove it yet!"
To which the man behind the counter immediately quips, "Yes, but we haven't been able to prove it yet!"
Crate of Chicken
The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."
"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."
"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."
"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."
Big strong donkey called Dobbin
Desmond, who was a real town dweller, drove his car into a ditch when out on the country roads. Luckily, a local farmer came was passing by with his big strong donkey called Dobbin.
He hitched Dobbin up to the car and shouted loudly, 'Pull, Dolly, pull!' Dobbin didn't move one inch.
Then the farmer yelled, 'Pull, Robbie, pull.' Still Dobbin failed to respond.
Once more the farmer commanded in a stentorian voice, 'Pull, Ringo, pull.' Again - nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly and quietly muttered, 'Pull, Dobbin, pull.' Immediately the donkey easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
Desmond was very appreciative but also very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his donkey by a different name three times.
The farmer whispered by way of reply, 'Oh, Dobbin is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try.'
He hitched Dobbin up to the car and shouted loudly, 'Pull, Dolly, pull!' Dobbin didn't move one inch.
Then the farmer yelled, 'Pull, Robbie, pull.' Still Dobbin failed to respond.
Once more the farmer commanded in a stentorian voice, 'Pull, Ringo, pull.' Again - nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly and quietly muttered, 'Pull, Dobbin, pull.' Immediately the donkey easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
Desmond was very appreciative but also very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his donkey by a different name three times.
The farmer whispered by way of reply, 'Oh, Dobbin is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try.'
Texas version of "Survivor"
Network TV is reported to be developing a Texas version of "Survivor," the popular TV show.
Contestants must travel from Amarillo through Fort Worth, Dallas, Houston, San Antonio and back to Amarillo, through San Marcos and Lubbock.
Each will be driving a Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads: "I voted for Kerry, I'm gay, and I'm here to take your guns."
The first contestant to complete the round trip is the winner.
Contestants must travel from Amarillo through Fort Worth, Dallas, Houston, San Antonio and back to Amarillo, through San Marcos and Lubbock.
Each will be driving a Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads: "I voted for Kerry, I'm gay, and I'm here to take your guns."
The first contestant to complete the round trip is the winner.
Polish Soldier
Three soldiers, An American, a German and a Polish in the Persian Gulf war were captured by the Iraqi army and thrown into a prison.
When Saddam Hussein heard about them, he ordered the prison warden to execute all three of them by firing squad. When they heard the news,the American soldier, who shared the prison cell with the other two said:
“Look, I have an idea, these Iraqis are really nervous right now because of the war, so just before they shoot, scream something to divert their attention and that’ll give us a few seconds to get away.”
A few hours later, all three were taken to a yard where an execution squad was ready to carry out their orders. The American soldier was ordered to go and stand against a wall, and a few seconds later, the squad leader then ordered: “Ready! … Aim! …” when the American screamed in panic “EARTHQUAKE!! run!!!!”. The squad scattered around and ran for cover and that gave the American a chance to escape.
The squad then reassembled and the German soldier was ordered to go and stand against the wall and again the squad leader repeated the order, “Ready!…Aim!….” and the German guy shouted “LOOK OUT! BOMBS!!! Run!!”, and again the squad panicked and ran for cover which gave the German a chance to climb the wall and escape. A few minutes later the squad gathered again and the Polish soldier was ordered to stand against the wall and again, the squad leader shouted the order:
“Ready!… Aim! …” and the Polish soldier then yelled “FIRE!!…..”
When Saddam Hussein heard about them, he ordered the prison warden to execute all three of them by firing squad. When they heard the news,the American soldier, who shared the prison cell with the other two said:
“Look, I have an idea, these Iraqis are really nervous right now because of the war, so just before they shoot, scream something to divert their attention and that’ll give us a few seconds to get away.”
A few hours later, all three were taken to a yard where an execution squad was ready to carry out their orders. The American soldier was ordered to go and stand against a wall, and a few seconds later, the squad leader then ordered: “Ready! … Aim! …” when the American screamed in panic “EARTHQUAKE!! run!!!!”. The squad scattered around and ran for cover and that gave the American a chance to escape.
The squad then reassembled and the German soldier was ordered to go and stand against the wall and again the squad leader repeated the order, “Ready!…Aim!….” and the German guy shouted “LOOK OUT! BOMBS!!! Run!!”, and again the squad panicked and ran for cover which gave the German a chance to climb the wall and escape. A few minutes later the squad gathered again and the Polish soldier was ordered to stand against the wall and again, the squad leader shouted the order:
“Ready!… Aim! …” and the Polish soldier then yelled “FIRE!!…..”
American Soldier
A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi border.
To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along the road.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, who was still barely alive.
They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.
"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth.
I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard.
I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of sh*t!'
He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'Obama is an unprincipled, lying piece of sh*t too!'"
"We were standing there shaking hands in the middle of the road when the truck hit us."
To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along the road.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, who was still barely alive.
They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.
"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth.
I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard.
I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of sh*t!'
He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'Obama is an unprincipled, lying piece of sh*t too!'"
"We were standing there shaking hands in the middle of the road when the truck hit us."
Top 10 things only a Woman understands
10. Cats facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One, Number One thing only a woman understands:
1. OTHER WOMEN
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One, Number One thing only a woman understands:
1. OTHER WOMEN
Texan Salesman
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department ; store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" Kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" Kid says "$101,237.64" Boss says ; "101,237.64? What in the world did you sell?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons ; for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" Kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" Kid says "$101,237.64" Boss says ; "101,237.64? What in the world did you sell?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons ; for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing."
How To Ask A Man To Do Something?
Always remember these five important rules when asking a man to do something:
1. Make sure the man is conscious.
1a. Then give him a Bl*w Job
2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.
3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three, or four hours, max.
3b. Then ... give him a Bl*w Job
4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. A blow job will usually do just fine. Or, offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.
5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.
6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt".
7. When all else fails... Bl*w Job.
OK, seven rules.
1. Make sure the man is conscious.
1a. Then give him a Bl*w Job
2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.
3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three, or four hours, max.
3b. Then ... give him a Bl*w Job
4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. A blow job will usually do just fine. Or, offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.
5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.
6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt".
7. When all else fails... Bl*w Job.
OK, seven rules.
Mexican - American Stand Off
During the Mexican/American war, an intense long standoff occurred along the front. For days and days neither side made
any advances. Finally, an American general had a bright idea.
He aimed his rifle to the Mexican trenches and yelled "Hey Juan!".....A soldier jumped up and replied "What?" The general
shot him dead. This continued for three days.
A Mexican general decided that two could play this game and decided to try it out. He called out "Hey John!!"
An American replied "John isn't here......is that you Juan?" The Mexican general stood up, "Yeah?!".....
any advances. Finally, an American general had a bright idea.
He aimed his rifle to the Mexican trenches and yelled "Hey Juan!".....A soldier jumped up and replied "What?" The general
shot him dead. This continued for three days.
A Mexican general decided that two could play this game and decided to try it out. He called out "Hey John!!"
An American replied "John isn't here......is that you Juan?" The Mexican general stood up, "Yeah?!".....
Special Request
Martin went to a brothel and told the madam, "I want a girl with big boobs and a small box."
"Why?" she asked him.
"Never mind!" replied Martin.
"I'm paying for it. I want a girl with big tits and a small cooze!"
"No problem," said the madam.
"Go straight up the stairs to room 23." A few minutes later there was a knock on the door, and a young woman walked in.
"Okay," she said," are you the guy with the big mouthand the small dick?"
"Why?" she asked him.
"Never mind!" replied Martin.
"I'm paying for it. I want a girl with big tits and a small cooze!"
"No problem," said the madam.
"Go straight up the stairs to room 23." A few minutes later there was a knock on the door, and a young woman walked in.
"Okay," she said," are you the guy with the big mouthand the small dick?"
The Train Ride
A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, he leans over the side and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, he leans over the side and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
Ey, boss I not come work today
Carlos calls into work and tells his boss: "Ey, boss I not come work today. I really sick. I got head ache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I not come work."
The boss says: "You know Carlos I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later Carlos calls: "Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house."
The boss says: "You know Carlos I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later Carlos calls: "Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house."
Making love to a midget
A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment.
"I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all."
"Just take off your clothes, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes," said the midget.
The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times.
"If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk,
"Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"
"I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all."
"Just take off your clothes, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes," said the midget.
The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times.
"If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk,
"Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"
Irishman in a 4 engine jumbo jet
People and an Irishman were in a 4 engine jumbo jet heading over the Pacific Ocean,
Suddenly, a Message is announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen Engine #2 has Died, We will be 30 mins late"
"Damn!" Said the Irishman,
10 mins later, "I`m sorry people Engine #3 has died,
We`ll be 1 hour late"
20 mins later,
"Every one, engine # 4 has died,sorry, We`ll be 2 hours late"
Suddenly the Irish man speaks out,
"Bloody hell, If the last engine goes we`ll be stuck up here all day!!"
Suddenly, a Message is announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen Engine #2 has Died, We will be 30 mins late"
"Damn!" Said the Irishman,
10 mins later, "I`m sorry people Engine #3 has died,
We`ll be 1 hour late"
20 mins later,
"Every one, engine # 4 has died,sorry, We`ll be 2 hours late"
Suddenly the Irish man speaks out,
"Bloody hell, If the last engine goes we`ll be stuck up here all day!!"
It's celebratin', you are.
Tim Shandy stepped into the Warm Spoon, a popular Galway tavern.
To Mike Callahan, the barkeep, Shandy said "Mike, I'll be havin' three whiskeys."
Callahan set up three glasses and began to pour. "Now, Timothy, it's not the usual thing for you to ask for three whiskeys. It's celebratin', you are.
"Ahh, ye know me too well, Micheal, ye do. Truth, and I'm celebrating me first blow job."
Callahan smiled benevolently and set a fourth glass on the bar.
"Now, that's special," he said. "For an old customer like y'rself, here's a fourth on the house, so I may be sharin' your celebration
with you."
Shandy shook his head, and replied "'Tis verra kind of ye, Micheal, but I'm thinkin' if three won't get rid of the taste, four won't either."
To Mike Callahan, the barkeep, Shandy said "Mike, I'll be havin' three whiskeys."
Callahan set up three glasses and began to pour. "Now, Timothy, it's not the usual thing for you to ask for three whiskeys. It's celebratin', you are.
"Ahh, ye know me too well, Micheal, ye do. Truth, and I'm celebrating me first blow job."
Callahan smiled benevolently and set a fourth glass on the bar.
"Now, that's special," he said. "For an old customer like y'rself, here's a fourth on the house, so I may be sharin' your celebration
with you."
Shandy shook his head, and replied "'Tis verra kind of ye, Micheal, but I'm thinkin' if three won't get rid of the taste, four won't either."
NFL fan
A guy was sitting at the Super Bowl in the very best seat available.
The guy on his left noticed there was an empty seat next to him and said, "Can you believe someone actually paid for that seat and didn't come to the game?"
The fellow next to him replied, "Actually that's my wife's seat...we bought these tickets months ago.
Unfortunately, my wife passed away so I came alone."
"I'm sorry to hear that, but why didn't you give the ticket to a family member or friend?"
"Oh, they're all at the funeral."
The guy on his left noticed there was an empty seat next to him and said, "Can you believe someone actually paid for that seat and didn't come to the game?"
The fellow next to him replied, "Actually that's my wife's seat...we bought these tickets months ago.
Unfortunately, my wife passed away so I came alone."
"I'm sorry to hear that, but why didn't you give the ticket to a family member or friend?"
"Oh, they're all at the funeral."
21 Ways to be a good Democrat
- You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.
- You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
- You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and North Korean communists.
- You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.
- You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUV's.
- You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.
- You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
- You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th-graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
- You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.
- You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
- You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make The Passion Of The Christ for financial gain only.
- You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
- You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
- You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E. Lee, and Thomas Edison.
- You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.
- You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and is a very nice person.
- You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.
- You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and a sex offender belonged in the White House.
- You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.
- You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese government is somehow in the best interest to the United States.
- You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast, right wing conspiracy.
Yo mama's so skinny
Yo mama's so skinny, she had to stand in the same place twice to cast a shadow.
Yo mama's so skinny, I gave her a piece of popcorn and she went into a coma.
Yo mama's so skinny, if she had a yeast infection she'd be a Quarter Pounder with Cheese.
Yo mama's so skinny, she can hula hoop in a fruit loop.
Yo mama's so skinny, her pants have one belt loop.
Yo mama's so skinny, you can save her from drowning by tossing her a Cheerio.
Yo mama's so skinny, if she had dreads I'd grab her by the ankles and use her to mop the floor.
Yo mama's so skinny, instead of calling her your parent, you call her transparent.
Yo mama's so skinny, her bra fits better backward.
Yo mama's so skinny, she swallowed a meatball and thought she was pregnant.
Yo mama's so skinny, she uses Chapstick for deodorant.
Yo mama's so skinny, she uses a Band-Aid as a maxi-pad.
Yo mama's so skinny and flat, she's the only woman in the world with two backs.
Yo mama's so skinny, she inspires crack whores to diet.
Yo mama's so skinny, I gave her a piece of popcorn and she went into a coma.
Yo mama's so skinny, if she had a yeast infection she'd be a Quarter Pounder with Cheese.
Yo mama's so skinny, she can hula hoop in a fruit loop.
Yo mama's so skinny, her pants have one belt loop.
Yo mama's so skinny, you can save her from drowning by tossing her a Cheerio.
Yo mama's so skinny, if she had dreads I'd grab her by the ankles and use her to mop the floor.
Yo mama's so skinny, instead of calling her your parent, you call her transparent.
Yo mama's so skinny, her bra fits better backward.
Yo mama's so skinny, she swallowed a meatball and thought she was pregnant.
Yo mama's so skinny, she uses Chapstick for deodorant.
Yo mama's so skinny, she uses a Band-Aid as a maxi-pad.
Yo mama's so skinny and flat, she's the only woman in the world with two backs.
Yo mama's so skinny, she inspires crack whores to diet.
Things you have to believe to be a Republican today
- Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
- The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
- Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.
- "Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs overseas.
- A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
- Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
- The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
- Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.
- If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
- A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
- HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
- Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
- Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
- Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
- A president lying about an extramarital affair is a impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
- Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
- The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
- You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.
- What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
- Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
Is that bet still on?
An American walks into an Irish pub and says, "I'll give anyone $100 if they can drink 10 Guinness's in 10 minutes."
Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations.
One guy even leaves the bar.
A little while later that guy comes back and asks the American, "Is that bet still on?"
"Sure." So the bartender lines 10 Guinness's up on the bar the Irishman drinks them all in less than 10 minutes.
As the American hands over the money he asks, "Where did you go when you just left?"
The Irishman answers, "I went next door to the other pub to see if I could do it."
Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations.
One guy even leaves the bar.
A little while later that guy comes back and asks the American, "Is that bet still on?"
"Sure." So the bartender lines 10 Guinness's up on the bar the Irishman drinks them all in less than 10 minutes.
As the American hands over the money he asks, "Where did you go when you just left?"
The Irishman answers, "I went next door to the other pub to see if I could do it."
There is a very good reason for you to come drifting in at six o'clock in the morning?
The angry wife met her husband at the door.
His breath stunk of alcohol and his face was plastered with lipstick.
"I assume," she barked, "there is a very good reason for you to come drifting in at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is!" he replied, "Breakfast."
His breath stunk of alcohol and his face was plastered with lipstick.
"I assume," she barked, "there is a very good reason for you to come drifting in at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is!" he replied, "Breakfast."
Sell it All
A man calls his stockbroker all anxious and out of breath with this urgency in his voice. He says, "Sell it all, sell everything fast, right away." The stockbroker tries to explain that the market is cyclical in nature and that for long term outlook stocks still remain the place to be.
The man says, "Let me tell you a secret. You know I've been married for 6 years now and I've been your client for 5 years."
"Yes, go on," the stockbroker says.
"Well. My wife has this thing about the market. Her grandparents lost it all in the great crash and ever since then her family found investing in the market akin to original sin. When we got married I promised her that I would follow in her parents footsteps and never venture in the stock market and always leave all our money under the mattress."
"Wow, I didn't know that. I guess you want the money because the market is going down, in case she asks for it."
"No, I want the money because she ordered a new mattress and it is being delivered in two days."
The man says, "Let me tell you a secret. You know I've been married for 6 years now and I've been your client for 5 years."
"Yes, go on," the stockbroker says.
"Well. My wife has this thing about the market. Her grandparents lost it all in the great crash and ever since then her family found investing in the market akin to original sin. When we got married I promised her that I would follow in her parents footsteps and never venture in the stock market and always leave all our money under the mattress."
"Wow, I didn't know that. I guess you want the money because the market is going down, in case she asks for it."
"No, I want the money because she ordered a new mattress and it is being delivered in two days."
Satan and the Old Man
A few minutes before church services start, everyone is sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, in a flash of light and a puff of smoke, Satan appears. The people scream and run out, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from Evil Incarnate. In seconds everyone is gone except for one elderly gentleman sitting calmly in his pew. Satan walks up to the old man and says, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replies, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asks.
"Nope," says the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asks Satan
"Don't doubt it for a minute."
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony for all eternity?" persists Satan.
"Yep."
"And you're still not afraid
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asks, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
"Been married to your sister for 48 years."
The man replies, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asks.
"Nope," says the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asks Satan
"Don't doubt it for a minute."
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony for all eternity?" persists Satan.
"Yep."
"And you're still not afraid
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asks, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
"Been married to your sister for 48 years."
Claude & Maude
Claude and Maude, both 91, lived in a senior residence. They met one day in the social center and discovered over time that they enjoyed each others company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and she accepted. They had a lovely evening, and afterwards, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an after dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and, age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. As both were basking in the glow of the magic moments they had shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts:
Claude was thinking:"If I had known she was a virgin, I'd have been more gentle...."
Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still get it up, I'd have taken off my panty hose!"
Claude was thinking:"If I had known she was a virgin, I'd have been more gentle...."
Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still get it up, I'd have taken off my panty hose!"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
