Look in the Pocket

A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, gulps it down, looks in his pocket then orders another one.

He gulps that one down, looks in his pocket again, then orders another one.

He does this about 7 or 8 more times when the bartender finally asks, Every time you finish a drink you look in your pocket. What's in your pocket?

The man replies, Oh... I have a picture of my wife in there. I drink until she looks good, then I go home.

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Doctors at the bar

One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman doctor agrees to it.

So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.

Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. " You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man , a bit surprised. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

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Costco

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - a lot cheaper than a doctor."

Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results . The computer prints out the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo... (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours... Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Costco!

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Full amount

An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctor’s only to find he didn’t have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate.

1.His Doctor
2.His Priest
3.His Lawyer

“Well, today I found out I don’t have long to live. So I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave.”

After the man passed on, the 3 people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, “I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me on lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested.”

The priest said, “I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the
church. It’s all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave.”

Well, the lawyer just couldn’t believe what he was hearing! “I am surprised at you two taking advantage of him like that. I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it all in!”

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Our sex life is like the bus service

The impotent bus driver goes to see his doctor. He wants some Viagra, but he doesn’t want his wife to know about it. The doc prescribes it for him, he heads to the pharmacist, who fills the prescription.

Home is a good hour away so the bus driver quickly downs one of the little blue pills.

When he gets home, he doesn’t even have to tell his wife with words. That twinkle in his eye speaks volumes. They tear off each others clothes and are quickly in bed.

He manages to "rise to the occasion" three times. *Three times!* He expects his wife to be delighted, but instead, she seems rather sad.
"What’s wrong, dear?" he asks
"I think your job is taking over every aspect of your life and it’s doing you in," she sighs.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, even our sex life is like the bus service. Nothing for ages, and then three come all at once!"

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This is why we love children!

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!’

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.’

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.’

MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, ‘What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?’

POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, ‘Are you a cop? Yes,’ I answered and continued writing the report . ’ My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?’ ‘Yes, that’s right,’ I told her. ‘Well, then,’ she said as she extended her foot toward me, ‘would you please tie my shoe?’

POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. ‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked.
‘It sure is,’ I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, ‘What’d he do?’

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs… One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, ‘Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.’
‘And why not, darling?’
‘You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.’

DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cottonwool, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: ‘Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.’ (I want this line used at my funeral!)

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. ‘I’m just wasting my time,’ she said to her mother. ‘I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!’

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it.. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
‘Mama, look what I found,’ the boy called out…
‘What have you got there, dear?’
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, ‘I think it’s Adam’s underwear!’

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Better change the oil

He was 80, she was 20. It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl.

After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying: "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered, "You’ve got to keep that old motor running."

The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said: "You are truly amazing. How do you do it?" Again he said: "You’ve got the keep the old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse then said: "Well, well, well, you certainly are quite a man!" He responded, "You’ve got to keep that old motor running."

The nurse then said: "Well, you better change the oil. This one’s black

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and I think I can

A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and had the pupils’ answer by reciting a short poem.

The first kid sat in the first row was a teachers pet. He stood and said, "My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can."

The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, "My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby...if I can, and I think I can."

The next on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don’t give a darn about Japan but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can....and I think can!"

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Brain Teasers - Awesome

1. The strange sisters
It was the first day of school. The teacher had several children in her class. She asked all the new children to write down their names and their date of birth for her. The first two names she looked at were those of girls. She saw that they both had the same last name. They also had the same birthday - June 9,1973.
“Will Jane and June Campbell please stand?” asked the teacher.
Two girls stood up, and the teacher saw that they were just alike. “Oh, you’re twins,” she said.
One of the girls shook her head. “No,” she said. “We’re sisters, but we’re not twins.”
Q : How could they be sisters and be the same age, but not twins? 

2. The mystery of the missing fish
Two fathers and two sons went fishing. Each caught one fish. However, only three fish were caught.
Q : How was this possible?
 
3. The tennis player
Once there was a tennis player. In the tennis game, she played very well and won great fame.
Jane was her first name, What was her last name.
Q. Find Jane’s last name


Scroll down… … … ..



lower please… … … …



A little bit more will do… he he he… ..



Ahh… . here come your ANSWERS … … … ..


1. The strange sisters
Jane and June Campbell were sisters, born on the same day the same year. But they weren’t twins. They were two of a set of triplets. The other triplet, Jackie, was sick that day.

2. The mystery of the missing fish
The two fathers and two sons who went fishing were actually only three people a grandfather, his son, and his grandson. The grandfather was his son’s father, and of course the son was his grandson’s father. That makes two fathers. The grandfather’s son was one son, and his son was the other. So, if each of them caught one fish, only three fish were caught.

3. The tennis player
The first and last names are given in the last two lines of the poem. Jane was her first name, What was her last name. The two lines make one complete sentence. And there is a period at the end of the sentence, not a question mark. So the sentence doesn’t ask a question. It tells you that Jane was the first name and that What was her last name. Her name was Jane What.

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I can´t hear you

At one local church, Joe was in charge of taking up the offerings. One Sunday after the services, the priest counted the cash and found it was smaller than anticipated. So he questioned Joe. He told him that it did not seem enough for the size of the congregation.

Joe said that he did not take any of the offering. The priest again questioned him, and again he said that he did not take any of the offering. So the priest said, "Get into the confessional," which Joe did.

Then the priest asked him if he took any of the offering, and this time he said, "I can´t hear you."

Again the priest asked, "Joe, did you take any of the offering?"

Again Joe answered, "I can´t hear you."

This time the priest yelled, "JOE DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?"

Again Joe answered, "I can´t hear you."

By this time the priest was getting a little angry so he came out of the confessional and said, "Joe, trade places with me, and you can ask me a question."

So they traded places, and Joe asked, "I hear that you and my wife are having an affair; is that true?"

The priest answered, "By golly, you can´t hear in here."

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Funny Kids

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Funny Question and Answers

Q: Why are condoms transparent?
A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is Restricted!

Q: Signboard outside a prostitute's house:
A: Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy...*

Q: New AIDS awareness slogan:
A: Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position with different women.

Q: Why is $ex like shaving?
A: Well, because no matter how well you do it today... tomorrow you'll have to do it again...

Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.

Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right?
A: Bcoz 90% boys are right handed.

Q: What is the difference between a PANTY & a STAGE CURTAIN?
A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull down the PANTY..... it is SHOWTIME!

Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later

Q: Advantages of having an affair with a married women.
A: They give like hell.
They do not yell.
They do not tell.
They do not swell and there is no wedding bell!

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Positive Identification

A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George’s two friends, Joe and Al.

Joe: "He’s burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." Joe looked at the dead man’s buttocks and said, "Nope, that ain’t George."

Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al.

Al: "Wow, he’s burnt to a crisp. Roll him over." Again, "Nope, that ain’t George."

Mortician: "How can you tell?"

Al: "George had two assholes."

Mortician: "What? How could he have two assholes?"

Al: "Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town you’d hear people say, "Here comes George with those two assholes!"

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Girls Night Out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

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Men And Women - The Ultimate Facts

Men:
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the woman leaves them.
7. Although the woman leaves them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.

Women:
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.

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Alcohol Taster

In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.


They tested him.

They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said,
"It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."
"That’s correct", said the boss.

Another glass.
"It’s red wine , cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels."
"Correct."

The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary to suggest something.

She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.

"It’s a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month.
And if you don’t give me the job, I’ll also tell who’s the father!"

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Memory Class Instructor

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.

A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.

"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.

"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"

"A rose?" asked the neighbor.

"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"

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Need Samples

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

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Everything has a Gender

You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.

A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

A Hammer is Male , because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male ,didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it,and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

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Mounting A Camel

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Firefox add-ons

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Its OK to stare

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Don't Bother

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Window Cleaner at a Monastery

A window cleaner goes to a monastery looking for work. The Abbot hires him but tells him to clean all the windows except the top three.

So the window cleaner cleans all the windows except the top three for years and years until curiosity finally gets the better of him. He puts his ladder up against the first of the three windows and looks in. he sees 12 monks with their robes up and their cocks lying on a table with a mouse running around on top of the table.

The window cleaner goes down the ladder moves to the second window and looks in. There he sees a beautiful woman and a monk in bed screwing like mad.

The window cleaner goes down the ladder and puts it up against the third window. He looks in and sees a monk tied up, stripped to the waist being flogged.

He climbs down the ladder, but when he gets to the bottom the Abbot is waiting for him. The window cleaner says, “Look, I know your going to fire me, but please, at least tell me what is going on up there.”

“Well,” says the Abbot, “in the first window you saw a competition to see which is the lucky monk. Wherever the mouse stops is the lucky monk. And in the second window you saw a monk with the prize.”

“But what about the third window?” the window cleaner asks.

“Well,” says the Abbot, “that monk was caught with a piece of cheese in his foreskin.”

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Mrs. Prussy

Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.

She says "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter"

The entire class says "Hello Mrs. Prussy"

A few days later the regular teacher gets sick again.

When Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks if he remembers what her name is.

Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher "I Remember it has an "R" after the first letter,
and it had something to do with a pussy, hmmm.... ".

"That's right" she coaxed.

Then after a few seconds Johnny says "Mrs. Crunt?"

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4th Divorce

A lady goes to the court for divorce.

Judge- If I remember, is it not this your 4th divorce?

Lady- Yes, my Lord, it is.

Judge- I cannot pass a decree unless you tell me reasons for all these 4 cases.

Lady- First one was very good Golf player. When he hit the ball, he did not know where the ball was & where he was. On occasions, even if he potted the ball, it was in the wrong hole.

2nd one was a good Long jumper but he always found himself short by 2 inches to touch the end point for qualifying.

3rd one was a good Cricket player. He batted day in & day out but never got out. I had to divorce him.

4th one is a very good Hockey player.

Judge- That is an excellent game.

Lady- I too agree Hockey is an excellent game & he has an equally good control over the ball.

Judge- So what is the reason for seeking divorce?

Lady- This hockey player dribbles too much outside the goal post !!!!!

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I don't blame you

Three guys - a Frenchman, a German and a Irishman, were sitting in a bar. In walked a mean looking black guy looking for a fight. He sat down, ordered a beer, took a drink, went over and slapped the Frenchman and said, "I like screwing white women."

The Frenchman looked at him and thought, and said, "Well, that's great."

Then the big black guy went over to the German, hit him on the shoulder and said, "I like screwing white women."

The German looked at him and said, "Good for you."

The black guy sat down and took another drink of his beer. He got up, walked over to the Irishman and belted him on the back, then said, "I like screwing white women."

The Irishman sat and thought for a second and finally said, "I don't blame you. I don't like screwing those black ones either."

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Gothic Redneck

You might be a Gothic Redneck if...

• You let your fourteen year old daughter smoke clove cigarettes at the dinner table in front of her kids.
• You've got more than one brother named "Vlad".
• You've got more than three cousins named "Lestat".
• You think safe sex is padded handcuffs.
• You've refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Bram Stoker's Dracula" was snubbed for Best Picture.
• The Blue Book value of your hearse goes up and down depending on how much gas you have in it.
• You think a seven course meal is six clove cigarettes and a bottle of absinthe.
• One of your kids was born in a cemetery.
• You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on a mausoleum.
• Your lifetime goal is to raise a brood of vampire bats.
• Your buckle boots weigh more than eight pounds each.
• You think the three primary colors are: Black #1, Black #1 and Black #1
• Your hearse has a two-tone paint job: Matte Black and Gloss Black
• You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against marrying the dead.
• You refer to the day you won a case of black lipstick as, "The day your ship came in".
• You have the number to the local blood bank on speed dial.
• Your coffin used to be a meat freezer.
• You do your serious Christmas shopping with a shovel in the cemetery.
• You think that God looks a lot like Bela Lugosi and that Heaven looks a lot like Transylvania.
• You have the words, "Good Evening", in your answering machine message.
• You've ever named your child after a vampire.
• You have more buckles on your clothes and boots than fingers and toes.
• You have a Dracula Jell-O mold.
• Your child's first words were: "I bid you welcome".
• The fountain at your wedding spewed blood instead of champagne.
• You wear fishnet stockings under your vinyl jeans.
• Your deceased cat's tombstone is bigger than your grandfather's.
• Your boots cost more than your wedding ring.
• You proposed in a mortuary.
• Your bridal veil was made out of fishnet.
• You tell everyone your wife is the reincarnation of Elizabeth Bathory.
• You tell your lover to scream like a staked vampire to start foreplay.

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A Bush fan

There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans. Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy - Johnny.

The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a Bush fan."

The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Bush fan?"

Johnny says, "I'm a John F. Kerry fan." The teacher asks why he's a Kerry fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom's a Kerry fan, and my Dad's a Kerry fan, so I'm a Kerry fan!"

The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if you're Mom was a moron, and you're dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan."

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There go my Sundays

A group of people were in a shipwreck and were stranded on an island.

The group consisted of 12 women and 1 man. After a few months, the women grew horny and it was decided that the man needed to take two women a day and they allowed him to have Sundays off.

One day on a day off, he was just relaxing when he noticed a boat nearing. He felt hopeful that maybe they would be rescued, at last.

The boat was almost to the island when the guy noticed it was a man in the boat. As he got out the first guy said "Oh my God buddy, am I ever glad to see YOU, To which the second guy responded "Well alright sweetie! It's been a long time for me too."

The first man exclaimed "Oh hell, there go my Sundays!"

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Elephants and Monkeys

Why do Elephants paint their testicles red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

AND

What's the loudest noise in the jungle?

A Monkey eating cherries.

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Monday Blues

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Farmer and Old Lady

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603Mockingbird Lane?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

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Redneck Jury

A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, he would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe.

He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

"I should get more," the crooked juror replied. "It was really hard to convince them."

"They all wanted the death penalty, eh?" said the brother.

"Naw," said the juror. "All the rest of 'em were all saying we should let him go."

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What is two and two

A businessman was interviewing applicants for corporate accountant. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job: he asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?"

The first interviewee was a journalist by training. His answer was "Twenty-two."

The second applicant had an engineering degree. He pulled out a scientific calculator and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.

The next person was a former legal researcher. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commissioner of Stamp Duties, two and two was proven to be four.

The last applicant only had a sixth-grade education. The now rather frustrated businessman asked him, "How much is two and two?"

The applicant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it, then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

He got the job.

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Counting Rabbits

Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?

Paddy: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?

Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home now!

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I'm not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not

Two Polish guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding...
"I'm not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not."
His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red and one ball blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says 'Those are
the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel!"

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Seeing-eye dog

There were two buddies one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.

The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."

The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"

He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."

The man at the door says, "Come on in."

The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"

The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua??? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"

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I'm not an Abo

An Englishman, a Irishman, and an Abo moved to Perth seek their fortunes; renting a flat there together. The Englishman and the Abo got jobs right away, but weeks went by without the Irishman finding employment. Finally, one evening he announces to his flatmates that he has landed a big interview for the next morning at nine o'clock. So, setting the alarm clock well ahead of time, he goes to bed.

In the middle of the night the other two sneak into his room, smear his face and hands with black boot polish, and turn off his alarm clock. At 9.05 the next morning the Englishman and the Abo wake the Irishman up: he leaps from his bed, pulls on his clothes, and dashes off so as not to be late for his critical interview.

The interviewer invites him in with an apologetic expression on his face. "I'm sorry to have brought you here for nothing," he says, "but I'm afraid we simply don't employ Abos."

"Abos! What are you talking about?" spluttered the Irishman. "My name is Daniel O'Connor!"
"I'm so sorry, Mister O'Connor, but we simply don't make any exceptions in our hiring policy."
"But I'm not an Abo!"
"I'm sorry you're taking it so hard. You may not think you're an Abo, but have you looked in a mirror lately?"

The Irishman gets up and goes over to a mirror near the door. Staring in disbelief at his undeniably black reflection, he stammers, "Oh my God, they woke the wrong bloke!"

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Do you know what I am doing?

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take off her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpes - that's why I am here!"

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Redneck BBQ

It work better on a PC

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Alternate for Plastic Surgery

Best and Cheapest

Alternate for Plastic Surgery

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Bat Girl

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Little sister

A little girl complained to her father, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister!"

Trying to be funny, her father joked, "But honey, you already have a sister!"

Confused, the toddler asked, "I do?"

"Sure," her dad said, pulling the kid's chain. "You don't see her because every time you come in the front door, she scoots out the back door!"

The confused toddler thought for a moment and then beamed, "You mean just like my other daddy!"

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Don't ye believe me?

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the ladsstopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"

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Italian Army

The Italian colonel had his brigade arrayed in full parade dress, proudly ready for inspection by the general.
That worthy warrior strolled back and forth before the troops, and sniffed and stopped abruptly.
"Colonel!" he spat out.
"Yes, general!" the colonel quavered.
"Your troops, your troops," stormed the general. "They look very nice, they stand very nice, but they stink, man, they stink! Can't you get them to change their underwear?"
He strode away furiously.
The colonel sniffed for himself. "The general, yes, he's right.
Now, Luigi change with Guiseppi, Carlo change with Giovanni..."

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