An actuary and a farmer

An actuary and a farmer were traveling by train. When they passed a flock of sheep in a meadow, the actuary said, "There are 1248 sheep out there."

The farmer replied, "Amazing. By chance, I know the owner, and the figure is absolutely correct. How did you count them so quickly?"

The actuary answered, "Easy, I just counted the number of legs and divided by four."

The Laws of Golf

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up" or else invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

That's it

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.

The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”

Blonde Cowboy

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks: "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff.... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motorhome with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ... so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to downtown cowboy ..'. And here I am."

Two blonde playing golf

Two young blonde women were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one ball about three feet from the cup, while the other ball somehow had gone directly in.

The blondes tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the clubhouse and asked the golf pro for a ruling.

After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions the pro asked, "Okay, so who was playing the yellow ball?"

A lady picked up daddy's phone

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit;
she instructed her son - to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to daddy who is at site.
After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that it was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.
She waited impatiently for her husband to return from site, immediately she sighted him, she gave him a very hot slap, while the man was trying to ask why?
She repeated the slap, people from neighborhood rushed around to know the cause of this.
The man asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called,
junior said "the number u are Trying To call is not reachable...!!!!!!!!

Not worth celebrating

The couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.
"Elliot," she said, pointing "do you see that man downing bourbon at the bar?"
The husband looked over and nodded.
"Well," the woman continued, "he's been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!"
The husband returned to his meal. "Nonsense," he said, "even that's not worth so much celebrating!"

Husband describing his wife?

Wife asked her husband to describe her.
He said, 'You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K'.

She said, 'What does that mean?

He said:- Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fantastic,
Gorgeous, Humorous.

She said, Oh that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?
He said I'm Just Kidding....

Origin of Mad Cow Disease - The Irish Way

A TV INTERVIEW WHICH WAS NEVER AIRED IN IRELAND ....

You know there are so many TV channels, each starved for new programs. In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter....

The interview was as follows: .....

*The lady reporter*: "I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease.. Can you offer any reason for this disease ? "

*The farmer* stared at the reporter and said: .............. "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year ? "

*Reporter* (obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information…but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"

*Farmer*: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day ? "

*Reporter*: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point ? "

*Farmer*: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day.... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad ? "

The program was never aired…..

I need a Man

Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in s*x anymore.
Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"

"Look, I can't prescribe..."

"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I'm desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills."Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."

"I don't know, doc. She's awfully cold."

"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

"Um... okay."

He thanks the doc and heads for home where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. In fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee.He thinks for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful.

Then an inspiration strikes... he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look enters her eyes. In a near-whisper and in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I need a man..."

His eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me too!"

Three Nuns

There are three nuns and a Mother Superior. The Mother Superior tells the three nuns that before they can receive their Saint name they had one final test. She told them to go commit one sin so that they would not have urges to be bad.
After the three nuns return, the Mother Superior says, "Did you commit your sins?" They all shake their heads yes. The first two nuns are crying, the third is giggling.
The Mother Superior says to the first one, "What sin did you commit child?"
The first nun answers with tears in her eyes. "I was just rotten, I picked flowers from someone's garden."
The Mother Superior says, "Go drink the Holy Water and it will be alright." The third nun is dancing around in laughter.
The Mother Superior asks the second one. Her whole body is shaking and she is crying. "I stole candy from a baby."
The Mother Superior says, "My child, drink the Holy Water and you are forgiven.
The third nun falls on the floor hysterically laughing. The Mother Superior is disgusted and asks, "What are you laughing at?"
The third nun is barely able to answer through her tears of laughter, "I peed in the Holy Water."

Desert camping and riding trip

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.
Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.
"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday.
Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"
I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie.
She took my hand and took me to our bedroom.
The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over.
She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes!
She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did.
And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."
So here I am.

Soup of the day in Ireland


Ear Problem

A rather senile old lady went to her doctor complaining of draining and a feeling of fullness in her ear. After the
examination, the doctor initiated a conversation that went as follows:

D: Why madam, I think you have a suppository in your ear.
L: ?eh?
D: Madam - You have a SUPPOSITORY in your EAR!
L: ??EH??
D: (shouting) --IN YOUR EAR! -- A SUPPOSITORY!!!
L: Oh, thank Goodness - now I know where I put my hearing aid....

7 degrees of Blonde...!!

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'

The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know If the coast is clear.'

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street.
One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'

So, the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'

The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, .... I know 'em all.'

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'

The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy. It's W.'

FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware ...'

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen.
I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

Nadine and Jill

Nadine and Jill were talking about their sex lives and Nadine said that her new boyfriend always wants to perform cunnilingus, all the time.

"Wow," said Jill, "You are really lucky, but if you want to prevent him from doing that, just rub a little garlic down there."

Nadine said, "I tried that already, and the next night he came to bed with some bread, olive oil, and a head of lettuce."

It could last you forever

A guy worked for 30 years at the same factory. He got off work at 3:30, and was home by 3:45 every day of his life. On Fridays, he came home and gave his wife his check.

One Friday he was walking towards his car, and one of his co-workers asked if he wanted to go out for a beer. He'd never been asked before, so he said, "Sure, why not?"

One beer lead to another and that led to his first wild night out with the boys. Finally about 3:00 am he comes staggering through the door. His wife is waiting for him and asks, "Where have you been?"

"Well," he said, "I went out with the boys for a few beers."

"You did, did you?" his wife fumed, "Well, just how much money did you spend?"

"As a matter of fact, I spent about $100.00," he said.

"$100?? Do you know how long that would last me?" the wife yelled.

"Well, " he said, "you don't drink, you don't smoke and you've got your own p*ssy... I guess it could last you forever."

I'm a white boy

A young black boy goes into the kitchen where his mother is baking.
He puts his hands in the flour and coats his face with it.
He looks at his mother and says "Look Momma, I'm a white boy."
His mother slaps him hard on the face and says "Boy, go show your Daddy."
The boy goes into the living room and says "Look Daddy, I'm a white boy."
His Daddy slaps him on the face, too and says, "Boy, go show your grandmother."
So the boy goes to see his grandma and says "Look Granny, I'm a white boy."
She slaps him on the face and sends him back to his mother.
His mother says "Well, did you learn something from all this?"
The boy shakes his head and says "I sure nuff did, I've only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people".

Best Ass

A pastor wanted to raise money for his church, and on being told that there was a fortune to be made in horses decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. At the local auction, however, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.

He figured since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise the donkey came in third. The next day the local paper carried this headline: "Pastor's Ass Shows."

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won! The local paper read: "Pastor's Ass Out Front."

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper read: "Bishop Scratches Pastor's Ass".

The bishop was fit to be tied! He ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing the news, posted this headline the next day: "Nun Has Best Ass in Town."

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day, the paper read: "Nun Sells Ass For $10.00."

After the bishop was revived, he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: "Nun Announces Her Ass Is Wild and Free".

The bishop was buried the next day.

Strange Foreign Mistranslations into English

Here are some interesting mistranslations:

In a Belgrade elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

A doctor's office in Rome:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here & spend the afternoon having a good time.

On a menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beer soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

A Finnish hotel's instructions in case of fire:
If you are unable to leave your room, expose yourself in the window.

Ad for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride your own ass?

In a Czech tourist agency:
Take one of our horse driven tours---we guarantee no miscarriages.

Car rental brochure in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

A temple in Bangkok:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed like a man.

In a Bangkok cleaners:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

In a hotel in Yugoslavia:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

Prepared spiritually

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"

"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming with plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our friends."

"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"

"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey

Young blonde student nurse

A man is lying in bed in the ICU with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young blonde student nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young girl replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."

He struggles again to ask,"Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Finally she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a closer look and says,"They look very good to me," after giving then her expert blonde scrutiny.

Finally the mans pulls off his oxygen mask and replies,
"That was very nice but, I asked ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?"

Brain-Men and Women

Women - Multiple process
Women's brains are designed to concentrate multiple tasks at a time.
Women can watch a TV and talk over phone and cook the new recipe.

Men - Single Process
Men's brains are designed to concentrate only one work at a time. Men cannot watch TV and talk over phone at the same time. He stops watching TV while talking. He can either watch TV or talk over phone or cook.

Language
Women can easily learn many languages. But cannot find solutions to problems. Men cannot easily learn languages; they can easily solve the problems.
The vocabulary of a 3 year old girl is three times higher than that of a 3 year old boy.

Analytical Skill
Men's brain has a lot of space for handling the analytical process. So he can easily analyses and find the solution for a process.
He can design (blue print) a map of a building easily.
If a complex map is viewed by a woman, she cannot understand it. She cannot understand the details of the map easily.
For her it’s dump of lines in a paper.

Car Driving
While driving a car, men's analytical spaces are used in his brain. He can drive a car fast. If he sees an object at a long distance, immediately his brain classifies the object (bus or van or car) direction and speed of the object and driving accordingly. Where as women take a long time to recognize the object, direction/ speed. His single process mind stops the audio in the car (if any), then concentrating only on the driving.
You can often watch, while men drive the car fast, the women sitting next to him will shout, "GO SLOW" , "CAREFUL", "AAHHH", "OHH GOD.."..etc.

Lie
Many times, when men lie to women face to face, they get caught easily.
Her super-natural brain observes the facial expression 70%, and the body language 20% and the words from the mouth 10%. So he is easily caught while lying.
Men's brain does not have this.
Women easily lie to men face to face.
So guys, while lying to your girls, use phone, or letter or close all the lights or cover your/her face with blanket.
Don't lie face to face.

Problem
End of the day, if men have lot of problems, his brain clearly classifies the problems, and he puts it into individual rooms of brain, and finds solution one by one. You can see many guys looking at the sky for a long time. If you disturb him, he gets irritated.
End of the Day, if women have lot of problems, her brain cannot classify the problems. She wants someone to hear that. After telling everything to a person she goes happily to bed. She does not worry whether the problem is solved or not.

Wants
Men want status, success, solutions, big process... etc Women want relationship, friends, family...etc. ..

Unhappiness
If women are unhappy with their relations, she cannot concentrate on work.
If men are unhappy with their work, he cannot concentrate on the relations.

Map
Men can easily locate the place in a complex map. His analytical brain does this. While watching a cricket match in a stadium with full of crowd, men can leave his seat and goes for tea and keeps everything in his mind and comes back to his seat with any problem. He uses his analytical space of brain.
Women can't do this. They often lose their way to their seat.

Life
Life is very easy for Men. One good job and alcohol is enough for them.
Women want everything in life.

Speech
Women use indirect languages in speech.
Sonia asked Sanjay, "Sanjay do you like to have a cup of coffee?"
This means, Sonia really wants a cup of coffee.
Men use direct language. "Sonia, I want to have a cup of coffee, Pls stop the car when you see a coffee shop".
In the morning...." Darling, Can you please prepare an omelet for breakfast".

Handling Emotion
Women talk a lot without thinking, if they are emotional.
Men act a lot with out thinking. That's why many of the prisoners all over the world are men.

Condoms with pesticides

A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the pharmacist, "I want me one of them condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I find'em?"

The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're on aisle 4."

"No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it," growled the farmer.

"Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, "PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I'm sure that youmean spermicide instead of pesticide."

"Listen here," argued the farmer, "I want condoms with PESTICIDE on it, my wife's got a bug up her arse, and I aim to kill it."

What’s the trick?

The Special Israeli army unit was crossing the desert and most of the men were on camels. Lt. Shalom had a very stubborn camel, and finally it stopped dead in its tracks and refused to move another step. The rest of the unit moved on, leaving Shalom along with his mulish camel.
Shalom sat on the camel for three hours. He kicked the camel. He pleaded with it and shouted curses, but the camel would not budge.
He dismounted and was standing disconsolately at its side when a woman soldier drove up in a jeep and asked him if he needed help. Lt. Shalom explained to her that the camel wouldn’t budge.
“Oh, I can fix that,” she said jumping out of her jeep. She reached down and put her hand under the camel’s belly. The camel jumped up and down, and then took off at the rate of half a mile a minute.
Lt. Shalom was astounded. “Ma’am, what did you do? What’s the trick?”
“Its simple, Lieutenant. I just tickled his privates.”
“Well, miss, you’d better tickle mine too, because I’ve got to catch that camel!”

Lady Gaga Doll


A veterinarian

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet. I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."

Women Remote Control - Every Man's Desire

EVERY MAN'S DESIRE

Get Out of My Head


What kind of tattoo did you get?

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred Dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Laws on Girls

  • If u think a girl is beautiful, she'll always have a boyfriend to confirm that
  • The nicer she is...the quicker u will be dumped!!!!!
  • The more the makeup, worse the looks...
  • "99% of the girls in this world are beautiful. Remaining 1% would always be in your company."............ .....100% true
  • The guy standing next to a beautiful girl can never be her brother.
  • If by any chance the girl you like, likes you too, she will let you know in about 10 years from now, when you are committed...
  • The more you ignore a girl, the more she'll want to be friends with you.
  • Theory of relativity.. .... 
    • more u run towards a hot chick....the more she goes away from u...
  • Rule 1: Even if you got her out alone... just when you are about to let her know about your feelings...she will spot a long lost friend (I guess from Kumbh ka Mela)
    • Corollary to rule 1: The more desperate you are to tell your feelings to a girl on a private chat, the more probability the long lost friend she discovered is a handsome superman, who beats you in everything 9:1
    • Axiom 1: The more dedicated you are to the girl, the longer it takes before things work out, but ultimately it will (some smile for the guys)
  • The day the chick you really like comes and speaks to you will be the day when-
    • You are dressed badly
    • You forgot to brush your teeth for the first time in your life
    • Have a bad hair day
  • All the good girls are either nuns or married .the rest go around with u and ruin Ur money, health and leave u a total wreck.
  • The more seriously u like a girl...the more seriously her dad will hate u
  • The love you shower a girl with is directly proportional to the number of bullets her dad will be showering at you.

Seven Ages of the Married Cold



  • 1st year -- The husband says, "Oh, sweetie pie, I'm really worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There's no telling what that could turn into with all the strep that's been going around. I'm going to take you right down to the hospital and have you admitted for a couple days of rest. I know the food is lousy there, so I'm going to bring you some takeout from China Garden. I've already arranged it with the head nurse."

  • 2nd year -- "Listen, honey, I don't like the sound of that cough. I called the doc and he's going to stop by here and take a look at you. Why don't you just go on to bed and get the rest you need?"

  • 3rd year -- "Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy you need the rest. I'll bring you something--do we have any canned soup around here?"

  • 4th year -- "No sense wearing yourself out when you're under the weather. When you finish those dishes and the kids' baths and get them to bed, you ought to go to bed yourself!"

  • 5th year -- "Why don't you take a couple aspirin?"

  • 6th year -- "You ought to go gargle or something, instead of sitting around barking like a dog!"

  • 7th year -- "For Pete's sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying to give me pneumonia? You'd better pick up some tissues while you're at the store."

Try those on

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her.

He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never blo*dy will if you don't change your attitude."

Married Again

Jim: Joe, I hear you just got married again.
Joe: Yes, for the fourth time.
Jim: What happened to your first three wives?
Joe: They all died, Jim.
Jim: How did that happen?
Joe: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.
Jim: How terrible! And your second?
Joe: She ate poison mushrooms.
Jim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too?
Joe: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.
Jim: I see, an accident.
Joe: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.

A Blonde and Thermos

A blonde was shopping at Target & came across a shiny silver Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took It to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'
'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she Bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?
'Why, that's a thermos.... It keeps hot things hot & cold things Cold,' she replied..
Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
The blond replied...... 'Two popsicles & some coffee.'

Dying Preacher

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his doctor and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom.

As they entered the room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit, one on each side of his bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both the doctor and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments.

They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed,  covetousness and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the doctor said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves and that's how I want to go."

Sperm Bank

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.
She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!"
"I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.
So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.
The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!"
She looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???"
"DO IT!"
So the nurse sucks it back.
"That one there, drink that one as well.",
So the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

WHO'S YOUR ROLE MODEL for 2011??

This is fun. I promise you WILL laugh when you find your role Model.
NO CHEATING. I was really surprised to find out who my role Model was.
FIND OUT WHO TRULY IS YOUR ROLE MODEL.. DON'T SCROLL DOWN YET, DO THE SIMPLE MATH BELOW, THEN SCROLL DOWN TO FIND YOUR HERO.
It's CRAZY how accurate this is! No peeking!
  1. Pick your favorite number between 1-9
  2. Multiply by 3 then
  3. Add 3
  4. Then again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the calculator....)
  5. You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number...
  6. Add the digits together

Now Scroll down
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With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:
  1. Einstein
  2. Oprah Winfrey
  3. George Bush
  4. Bill Clinton
  5. Bill Gates
  6. Gandhi
  7. Barack Obama
  8. Babe Ruth
  9. Crazymady.com
  10. John F. Kennedy
  11. Mother Theresa

I know, I know.... I just have that effect on people.

Black Bras

An Arab goes to a Jew to buy black bras.

The Jew, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Arab buys six.

He returns a few days later and orders another dozen.....

The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.

The Arab returns a month later and buys the Jew’s remaining stock for $75.00 each.

The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black bras and asks the Arab what he does with all these bras.

The Arab answers : ‘I cut them in half and sell the halves to the Jews for $100.00 each.

Guess Who?


Tribal Experiment

A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around the penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you've grown to 12 inches??"

"No...it's turned black."

I take salts

Bloke is drinking at a pub and after a few rounds goes to leave, explaining to the barman he has to go home to do a shit. "Don't be stupid," says the barman, "We've got a perfectly good toilet here!"

"Yes," explains the drinker, "but I take salts."

"So what??!! That doesn't matter - you can still use the toilet here!"

The drinker reluctantly agrees and heads for the toilet. After a few moments there is loud banging and the bloke emerges, followed by a foul smell. The barman races into the toilet where he sees crap all over the ceiling and walls. He races back into the bar.

"What the hell went on in there?!" he demands.

"I told you," explained the drinker.

"No, you said that you take salts!" yelled the barman.

"That's right," the drinker shrugs, "somersaults."

Sucide Bombers Training


Commonly used office Phrases and what they mean

1. For your information, please. (FYI)
Meaning: I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it.

2. Noted and returned.
Meaning: I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it little while.

3. Review and comment.
Meaning: Do the dirty work so that I can forward it.

4. Action please.
Meaning: Get yourself involved for me. Don't worry, I'll claim the credit.

5. For your necessary action.
Meaning: It's your headache now.

6. Copy to.
Meaning: Here's a share of my headache.

7. For your approval, please.
Meaning: Put your neck on the chopping board for me please.

8. Action is being taken.
Meaning: Your correspondence is lost and I am trying to locate it.

9. Your letter is receiving our attention.
Meaning: I am trying to figure out what you want.

10. Please discuss.
Meaning: I don't know what the hell this is, so please brief me.

11. For your immediate action.
Meaning: Do it NOW! Or I will get into serious trouble.

12. Please reply soon.
Meaning: Please be efficient. It makes me look inefficient.

13. We are investigating/ processing your request with the relevant authorities.
Meaning: They are causing the delay, not us.

14. Regards.
Meaning: Thanks and bless you for reading all the crap.

What should Ido?

This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour."

"Perfect," she replies.

The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but nowife?

She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks.

The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"

"Yes" the man replied.

"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.

The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."

Evolution of Internet

*In ancient Israel,it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com
...did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.*

*And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. *

*And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"*

*And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said: "How,dear?" *

*And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale,and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. *

*And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."*

*Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. *

*And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. *

*To prevent neighboring countries from over hearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. *

*It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People(HTTP)*

*But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham's business. *

*But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted for insider trading. *

*And the young did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.*

*And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. *

*And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.*

*And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."*

*And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel,or eBay as it came to be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."*

*And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." *

*"YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.*

*Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. *

*It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE)*

* *

*And that is how it all began……...

I shot the cat

A lady is baking a cake...she needs eggs....she goes into the cupboard and gets the eggs. She then accidentally knocks over a container of bee-bee pellets.

The bee-bee pellets fall into the cake mix. She completely ignores it...pours the mix into the cooking pan, puts it into the oven...lets it cook. An hour later, she takes it out...and decorates it.

After the cake cooled, it was time for the kids to eat the cake. One of the kids asked, "Mommy, what are these little things in the cake?". The mom says, "They're just little candies, just eat them." So the kids devour the cake.

Hours later, the first kid comes down all frantic, saying "Mommy, I just went to the bathroom and bee-bee pellets came out.". The mom said, "Not to worry, they'll be out of you." The next kid comes downstairs and she said "Mommy, I went to the bathroom and bee-bees came out." The mom said, "Don't worry...they'll be out of you too." The 3rd kid comes downstairs...is the son...and he said "Mom!" The mother quickly asked, "What now...you went to the bathroom and bee-bees came out?". The son said, "No mom, I was jerking off and I shot the cat!".

Did I forget my line

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines.
After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line.
You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he’s practicing his line over and over again.
Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"
"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

I made her scream for two long hours

Indians are Indian An Italian, a Frenchman and an Indian were drinking at a bar, discussing what they had done the previous evening.

The Italian says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream nonstop for five minutes."

The Frenchman says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special aphrodisiac oil, then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."

The Indian says: "That's nothing. Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with Amul butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two hours, phenomenal!"

What did you do to make her scream for two hours??


Indian: I wiped my hands on the curtains

Co-Pilot Checklist


Camel Toe Practical Applications


Crunchy Bird

"Hey, bartender," says a customer, sitting at the bar. "What kind of bird is that sitting on the perch?"

"Oh," says Bob the bartender, "that's a Crunchy Bird!"

"I never heard of a Crunchy Bird," says the patron.

"Just watch," says Bob. He takes a newspaper off the bar and throws it down on the floor, then he turns to the bird and says, "Crunchy Bird, my paper!" The bird swoops down and attacks the newspaper. He rips it to shreds until there's nothing left but tiny pieces of confetti.

"Wow," says the customer, "can I try?"

"Be my guest," the bartender replies.

The customer takes off his shoe and puts it on the bar and says, "Crunchy Bird, my shoe!" The bird flies down off the perch and picks the shoe up with his beak. He slams the shoe down on the bar and starts attacking it. In no time, the shoe is reduced to nothing but behind the bar.

Suddenly a tough looking guy walks into the bar. He yells, "Gimme a drink NOW!"

He looks around the bar snarling and yells at the patrons, "What the Hell are you clowns looking at?" The bar is completely silent.

Then the bully notices the bird and says, "What the Hell kind of stupid looking bird is that?"

"That's a Crunchy Bird," says bartender Bob.

The tough guy laughs and yells, "Crunchy Bird, my a*s!"

EIGHT Types of orgasm for a woman

There Are At Least EIGHT Types of orgasm for a woman:

1. The Optimist - Oh Yes, Oh Yes, Oh Yes....

2. The Pessimist - Oh No, Oh No, Oh No....

3. The Confused - Oh Yes, Oh No, Oh Yes, Oh No....

4. The Traveler - Ahh, I'm coming, I'm coming....

5. The Religious - Oh God, Oh God....

6. The Userer - Ahh, More, More, More....

7. The Murderer - Ahh, If you take it out, I'll kill you....

8. The Submariner - Mmm... OHHH... Deeper... Deeper... GO DEEPER!....

Oh my God

A prostitute on her period decides to catch a client anyway. She thinks to herself: "I'll find some drunk. He won't even notice anything."

She goes to the bar, finds a really drunk guy there, takes him to the nearest hotel and they spend the night together.

The guy wakes up the next morning (the prostitute is already gone by then) and as he starts to get out of bed he sees that his hands are covered in blood. He starts running around the room, saying to himself in panic: "Oh my God! I killed her! I killed her!!!..."

As he runs to the bathroom he passes the mirror, stops, looks at himself for a second and then screams: "Oh my God!!! And I ate her too!!!"

Miss Airport 2011 Calendar

Miss Airport 2011 - January

Miss Airport 2011
- February

Miss Airport 2011
- March

Miss Airport 2011
- April

Miss Airport 2011
- May

Miss Airport 2011
- June

Miss Airport 2011
- July

Miss Airport 2011
- August

Miss Airport 2011
- September

Miss Airport 2011
- October

Miss Airport 2011
- November

Miss Airport 2011
- December

That's okay

A guy down on his luck, was reduced to catching the bus. One day a beautiful young nun boarded the bus and sat down in front of him. She was such a babe he kept leaning forward to perve on her. Finally, he could control himself no longer. Leaning forward, he whispered quietly in her ear, "I'd like to screw you up the arse." With a gasp of shock the nun jumped to her feet, rang the bell and got off the bus.

A couple of stops later, the bloke was getting off when the driver said, "Hey, what did you say to that nun?"

"Well, to be honest," said the guy, "she looked so damn good I said I'd like to screw her up the arse."

"Sh*t, no wonder she got off. She's very religious and you shoulda asked her in a more devout way. As a matter of fact, she goes through the park down the road every night at about 7.30. Why don't you go there and try a different approach.

The guy had long hair and a beard, so he got himself a robe and waited in the park for her to come by.

Sure enough, around 7.30, the nun appeared on her way to the convent. Leaping out of the bushes, the guy shouted, "Hey nun, I'm Jesus, come to screw you up the arse!"

"No worries, Jesus," said the nun and she bent over and hoisted up her habit.

After the guy had done the deed, remorse set in and he said rather sheepishly, "I'm not really Jesus."

"That's okay," came the reply. "I'm not really the nun. I'm the bus driver."

Make love almost every night

A 70-year-old man has never been married.
One day he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight.
They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon.
When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?"
"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we--"
His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"
"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."