An Indian goes to Hell

An Indian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell , the Russian hell and many more.
He finds that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks, "What do they do here?"

He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?

"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work,
someone has stolen all the nails from the bed,
And the devil is a former Government servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen..."

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Balle Balle - Another Collection of Sardarji Jokes

Titanic was sinking.
An Englishman asked Santa, "How far is land"?
Santa: 2 KMs.
Englishman jumped into sea.
Englishman: Now, which direction?
Santa: Downwards!

--

Santa travelling 1'st time in plane going 2 mumbai.While its landing, he shouted 'Bombay...Bombay'.
Airhostess said "B silent"...Santa said "OK"...Ombay Ombay

--

"Santa: My dad was an extremely brave man. He once entered a lion's cage.
Banta: He probably got a lot of applause when he got out.
Santa: I didn't say he got out

--

Bhola Singh brags to his friends, "You know in Dubai everything is free, Taxi, Hotel, Drinks, Shows, so far as even Sex is free.
The friend asked, "Yes, when did you go to Dubai?"
Bhola explained, "Not me Pal, My wife went there."

--

A Sardar decides to kill his unfaithful wife and himself. He put the gun on his own forehead and told his wife while pulling the trigger,
"Don't feel so glad about this, next it’s your turn!!!!"

--

Dr. Manish, a psychotherapist, employed a sardar painter to paint his name plate. He instructed the sardar to give ample space between the words, and left for his clinic.
On his return in the evening, he was astonished at the sight of the name plate that was hung to his gate. It read,
Dr. Manish
Psycho The Rapist

--

Sardars Hari Singh and Gani Singh got fed up with the Indian Govt and decided to blow up the parliament. They took 2 bombs, put them in a suitcase in the front seat of their car and set off.
Hari Singh asks "What happens if the bombs blast off now".
Gani Singh says "Don't worry. I have a spare bomb in the back seat"

--

Santa used to work in a saw-mill. He was in hospital after he lost his arm in an accident. Banta was visiting him in the hospital.
Banta: "It was really bad that you lost your hand. However thank to God that it was your left hand, since you are right handed."
Santa: "It is also because of my quick thinking. Actually it was the right hand which was going to be caught in the machine. Then I realised that I am right handed and so switched hands just in time!

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Most dangerous food

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford...
"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it... Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it ?"
(scroll down)






































After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row
raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

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15 Pieces of Advice for Woman

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes; it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal!

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Husband Day Care Center

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Room with a view

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Look Again

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Special Pig

Farmers Brown and McDonald were sitting on Farmer McDonald's porch discussing plowing technique when Farmer Brown notices a pig with a wooden leg hobbling across the front yard. He turned to his friend and asks, "Say, Henry, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"

"Well, John, that pig...," his eyes mist up, "That pig's a mighty special pig! A few weeks back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin', went after that boar and fought him off. Saved my life!"

"And the boar tore up his leg?" "No, just got a few scratches, nothing serious. But that night the barn caught fire. That ol' pig started squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!"

"So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Henry?" "No, John, the next day my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond. I got knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out."

"...but that's not how he hurt his leg." "Oh no, no, he was fine. Cleaned him up real nice, too."

"Okay, Henry. So just tell me. How did he lose his leg?"

"Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig that good, you don't want to eat all at once."

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Single Man

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Who was THAT woman

The newlyweds arrived at the front desk of the posh ocean-side resort in Hilton Head, South Carolina, looking all fresh, and eager to enjoy their two week vacation/honeymoon.
The stunning blonde at the front desk smiled and said, "Well, hi Jimmy, how ya been lover ? Long time no see."
A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room.
Once inside, the piqued bride demanded: "And just who was THAT woman ?!?!?"
The groom wiped his brow and said, "Just relax honey. Please ! I'm going to have enuff trouble explaining you to her."

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Farewell Letter

Dear Co-Workers,
As many of you probably know, today is my last day. But before I leave, I wanted to take this opportunity to let you know what a great and distinct pleasure it has been to type “Today is my last day.”

For nearly as long as I`ve worked here, I`ve hoped that I might one day leave this company. And now that this dream has become a reality, please know that I could not have reached this goal without your unending lack of support. Words cannot express my gratitude for the words of gratitude you did not express.

I would especially like to thank all of my managers: in an age where miscommunication is all too common, you consistently impressed and inspired me with the sheer magnitude of your misinformation. It takes a strong man to admit his mistake – it takes a stronger man to attribute his mistake to me.

Over the past three years, you have taught me more than I could ever ask for and, in most cases, ever did ask for. I have been fortunate enough to work with some absolutely interchangeable supervisors on a wide variety of seemingly identical projects – an invaluable lesson in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium.

Your demands were high and your patience short, but I take great solace knowing that my work was, as stated on my annual review, “mostly satisfactory.” That is the type of praise that sends a man home happy after even a 10 hour day, smiling his way through half a bottle of mostly satisfactory scotch.

And to most of my peers: even though we barely acknowledged each other within these office walls, I hope that in the future, should we pass on the street, you will regard me the same way as I regard you: sans eye contact.

But to those few souls with whom I`ve actually interacted, here are my personalized notes of farewell:
To Rudy: I will always remember sharing lunch with you, despite having clearly labeled it with my name.
To Steven: I will miss detecting your flatulence as much as you will clearly miss walking past my cubicle to deliver it.
To Eileen: Best wishes on your ongoing campaign to popularize these “email forwards.” I sincerely hope you receive that weekend full of good luck, that hug from an old friend, and that baby for your dusty womb.
To Felix: I left a new wristwatch on your desk. It is so that you might be able to still tell time even without your hourly phone call to let me know the copier is jammed. (Call Steven – he`ll come by.)
And finally, to Kat: you were right – I tested positive. We`ll talk later.

So, in parting, if I could pass on any word of advice to the individual who will soon be filling my position, it would be to cherish this experience like a sponge and soak it up like a good woman, because a job opportunity like this comes along only once in a lifetime.

Meaning: if I had to work here again in this lifetime, I would sooner kill myself.

Very truly yours,
XYZ

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Sardar Jokes Collection

Sardaron ko 2 bomb mile,
1st Sardar: chal police ko de k aate hain.
2 sardar: agar koi bomb raaste me phat gaya to?
1st sardar: jhoot bol denge ki 1 hi mila tha

Sardar 2 doctr: Mujhe 1 problem hai
DR: Kya?
Sardar: Baat karte waqt aadmi dikhai nahi deta
Dr: aisa kab hota hai?
Sardar: Phone karte waqt

Man: Sardar jee aap ko garmi lagti hai to kya karte ho?
Sardar: AC k paas ja k baith jata hun
Man: Agar phir bhi garmi lage to?
Sardar: To A/C on kar leta hun

A sardar prays daily for 2 hours,
"He Vahe Guru meri lottery lagade."
After 11 years Vahe Guru angrily appeared & said,"Khoti de puttar 1 vari ticket to le le"

Ek sardar ki chatri me hole tha, kisine pucha, umbrella me hole kyun?
Sardar bola, Oye barish ruk jayegi to pata kaise chalega :P

Hitler says,
"There is no word like IMPOSSIBLE in my dictionary"
Sardar says: Ab bolne se kya faayda? "Jub kharidi thi tab hi check karna tha na"

Sardar: Yar mujhe 1 hathora or keel chahiye computer k lye.
Sales man: Magar computer me inka kya kaam?
Sardar: Oye yaar mujhe computer me windows lagani hai.

1st sardar: oye agar neend na aaye to kya kia jaaye?
2nd Sardar: Neend ka intizar karne se achha hai ki banda soo hi jaye

1 sardar rail ki patri per so gaya.
1 aadmi ne kaha kya kar rahe ho? Train aayegi to mar jaoge!
Sardar: Mere uper se jahaaz guzar gaya to kuch nahi hua, train kya cheez hai?

Police: Tumhe kal subah 5 baje phaasi di jayegi.
Sardar: Ha Ha Ha Ha!
Police: Kyon hasn rahe ho?
Sardar: Main to uthta hi subha 9 baje hun.

In bio practical:
Examiner: Tell me the name of this bird by seeing its legs only?
Sardar: I don't know.
Examiner: You r failed, what's your name?
Sardar: See my legs & tell my name

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HEADLINES DATED 1ST JAN 2025

• President Sonia Gandhi and Prime Minister Priyanka Gandhi receive Italian Prime Minister Rahul Gandhi.
• Dhoom 17 ready for release.
• I will play next world cup - Sachin Tendulkar
• Salman, Vivek and Abhishek attend Aishwarya's 3rd marriage.
• Mein To Ab Bhi Jawan Hoon - Dev Anand's new movie set for release where he plays son of Aamir Khan and Madhuri Dixit.
• After remakes of 45 films of Amitabh, Shahrukh now to play Amitabh's role in remake of 'Jhoom Barabar Jhoom' .
• Petrol Rs. 999/= per ltr.
• Kyunki saas bhi kabhi bahu thi completed 2,50,000 episodes and Baa has completed 400yrs.
• Coach Ganguly resigns, as India went out of The World Cup in 1st round after losing to Korea.
• Navjot Siddhu will launch his own TV channel where he is the Host & the Guest too..
• Riots in the Parliament as the newly elected MPs Mallika Sheravat and Rakhi Sawant enter the assembly.
• Maruti launches its new Hovercraft 'SX-25'. Honda, Toyota and Tata to follow.
• A cap found in Mithi river - Sources say it belonged to a species called Himesh Reshammiya....

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It's not my table

A waitress became violently ill while at work and was rushed by ambulance to the emergency room. In typical hospital fashion, she was placed on an examining table and then all but ignored for the next half-hour.

Finally, she noticed a doctor out in the hall and yelled, "Please help me!"

"Sorry," he replied, "it's not my table."

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Facebook Gender Discrimination

Facebook Gender Discrimination

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20 types of men you may meet in men's urinal

1. EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips his shorts.
2. SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to go or not.
3. CROSSEYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is hung.
4. TIMID: Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal and comes back later.
5. INDIFFERENT: All urinals being in use, he pisses in the sink.
6. CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on the floor.
7. WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes a quick inspection.
8. FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.
9. ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out his tie, pisses in his pants.
10. CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
11. SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows the man in the next stall will get blamed.
12. PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.
13. DESPERATE: Waits in a long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
14. TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.
15. EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, and then does both.
16. FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses on shoes.
17. LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
18. DRUNK: Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
19. DISGRUNTED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
20. CONCEITED: Holds two inch dick like a baseball bat.

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Drunk Fart

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar.

Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.

The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says, "Excuse me, you just farted before my wife."

The drunks replies, " I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."

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Men Shopping VS Women Shopping

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Policies and Procedures

In this experiment they put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling.

Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable.

Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up.

Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder.

One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious, but, undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder.

All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why. However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.

A second original monkey is removed and replaced.

The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him.

This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he's not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it.

However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new monkey.

One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced, eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder.

All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.


AND THAT'S HOW VERY MANY COMPANY POLICIES & PROCEDURES GET ESTABLISHED.

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I will marry again

Santa’s wife dies. He is calm, but his wife’s lover is crying furiously…
Finally, Santa consoles him: Don’t worry buddy, I will marry again

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I am a better lover than you

A maid asks for a pay rise.

“Why do you deserve one?” asks the lady of the house.

“Well, there are three reasons,” replies the maid, “Firstly, I iron better than you.”

“Who said that you iron better?” asks the lady of the house.

“Your husband said so,” replies the maid. “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”

“Nonsense,” says the lady of the house, “Who said you are a better cook than me?”

“Your husband,” replies the maid. “And the third reason is that I am a better lover than you.”

“Did my husband say that as well?” asks the lady of the house.

“No, the driver did.”

The lady of the house doubled her salary later that day.

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A Philosopher, A Mathematician and An Idiot

Three men a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings"

With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.

"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!"

With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.

"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"

The Devil brought forward a chair.

"Drill 7 holes on the seat."

The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.

Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."

"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my a** hole."

And the idiot went to Heaven.

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Accident Waiting to Happen

Accident Waiting to Happen

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Little Old Lady in Court

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago..

Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard!

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Get well quick

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest.

Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn’t told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped very firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn’t come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.

“Get well quick….. from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week.” :)

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People with bad luck

With a pile of 300 resumes on his desk and a need to pick someone quickly, my boss told me to make calls on the bottom 50 and toss the rest.

"Throw away 250 resumes?"

I asked, shocked, "What if the best candidates are in there?"

"You have a point," he said. "But then again, I don't need people with bad luck here."

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Rough Ride

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation.
Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he's shivering and shaking.
Theother flea asks him, "Why are you shaking so badly?"
The first flea says, "I rode down here from New Jersey on the moustache of this guy on a Harley".
The other flea responds saying, "That's the worst wayto travel, pal.
The next time, try what I do.Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks.
While you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and cosy. It's the coolest wayto travel."
The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter.
A year goes by.

When the first flea shows up in Miami he is shivering and shaking again.
The second flea says, "You obviously didn't trywhat I told you last year?"
"Yes," says the first flea,"I did exactly as you said. I went to theNew Jersey airport bar,had a few drinks and finally, this nice young stewardess came in.
I crawled right up to her warm cosy spot.It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep.

When I woke up,I was back on the moustache of a guy on a Harley.".........

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Mother-in-law

A Mother-in-law decides to see if her three son-in-law's love her or at least appreciate her...

The next day while strolling along the river with her first son-in-law, she lets herself fall into the water and starts to drown.

Without hesitation, the son-in-law jumps in the river and saves his mother-in-law.

The next day, in front of his house, he finds a new car, a City Honda, with a little note on the windshield: Thank-you on behalf of your mother-in-law.

She undertakes the same scenario with her second eldest son-in-law. This one too, dives into the river and saves his mother-in-law. The next day, he too, in front of his house, finds a new car: the same City Honda with a little note on the windshield: Thank-you on behalf of your mother-in-law.

The same scenario occurs with the third son-in-law, she falls in the water and starts to drown. He watches his mother-in-law drown while thinking to himself: I've been waiting a long time for this!

The next day, in front of his house, he sees a brand new Mercedez with a little note on the windshield: Thank-you on behalf of your father-in-law.

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I have good news and bad news for you

The doctor at a regional hospital tells his patient, "I have good news and bad news for you. Which would you like to hear first?"

The patient asks for the bad news first. "I have the results of your examination of your injuries to both your feet and we're going to have to amputate right away."

"That's the bad news? How could there be good news?"

"See that man in the lobby? The seedy-looking fellow?"

"Yeah," says the patient. "What about him?"

The doctor looks at the patient with a grin, "He wants to buy your shoes!

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Mayans

MAYANS

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Performance Review

Performance Review

You Need Improvement

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In Amsterdam

THIS IS NOT A BROTHEL

THERE ARE NO PROSTITUTES

AT THIS ADDRESS

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African Gangsta

African Gangsta

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Making love properly

An elderly retired couple went to a doctor.
The man said, "We want to know if we are making love properly. Will you look at us?"
"Go ahead," said the doctor. They made love.
"You are making love perfectly," the doctor said. "That will be $10."
They came back six weeks in a row and did the same thing.
On the seventh visit the doctor said, "What are you coming here like this for - I told you that you are making love properly!"
"She can't come to my house," said the man, "and I can't go to her house. A motel costs $20. You charge us $10 and we get $8 back from Medicare."

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They Dance with the Brain

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Tan Tattoo

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Is that for sale

A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked.
Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door. Pointing to her tightly covered butt, he asked, "Is that for sale?"
"Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing furiously.
Unchanged, he replied quietly, "Then, I suggest you quit advertising it."

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Two Campers

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story.

"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says,
"I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, nd we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a bl*w job, too?"

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

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Easy Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double-wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in 'Bama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count.
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand...

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Divorce Letter - One of the Funniest

Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore.
The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact.
In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie."
I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19; with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice-skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an a*s that just wouldn't quit, every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at.
Does it make her a better person?
Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie?
I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before.
I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.

Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else; some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean?

Nothing feels the same without you. Oh, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.
Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.
Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom.
And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us.
And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity.
So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is.

So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?

It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please, please, please let me know. Otherwise, can you let me know where the f*cking remote is?

Love,
Dan

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Faith healer

Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders.

"I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "but I guess it is impossible."

"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."

"You must tell me what you did."

"I went to a faith healer."

"But I've tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."

The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie."

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Pussy Treats

A blonde woman strode angrily into the large store, slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction.

The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?"

The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that 'Pussy Treats' are for cats?"

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Internet Porn

Internet Porn

More Valuable than Freedom

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Wisdom

A 89-year-old Father from God's own country was dying.

The Mallus gathered around his bed trying to make his last journey comfortable.

They tried giving him some warm milk to drink, but he refused it.

One of the son took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, he opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Father's bed, he held the glass to his father lips. Father drank a little.... Then a little more. Before they knew it, he had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Father," the son asked with earnest, "Please give us some wisdom before you die."

Father raised himself up in bed and whispered, "Don't sell that cow!"

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Funny Toilet Advice

Funny Toilet Advice

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The Candle

Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father Rafferty.
"Hello," said the Father, "and how is Mrs. O'Donovan? Didn't I marry you two years ago?"
She replied, "That you did, Father."
The priest asked, "And are there any little ones yet?"
"No, not yet Father," said she.
"Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you."
"Thank you, Father." And away she went.
A few years later they met again. "Well, now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are you?"
"Oh, very well," said she.
"And tell me," he said, "Have you any little ones yet?"
"Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles, ten in all."
"Now isn't that wonderful," he said "And how is your lovely husband?"
"Oh," she said, "he's gone to Rome to blow out that damn candle!"

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Beerman

BEER MAN

 

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Poker Game

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Roberts looks around and asks, 'Now, who is going to tell the wife?'

They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.

'Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretions my middle name, leave it to me.'

Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Rippington says, 'Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.'

She hollers, 'TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!'

Rippington says, 'O.K.'

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Nano beats Ferrari in race

In the race between Nano & Ferrari,
Nano won the race!

The Engineers at TATA are Shocked!
How did this happen............

After further investigation, they found out that Ferrari was driven by Shumacher.

While Nano was driven by Rajnikanth

And the case rests!

LOL!!

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Did he tell you what gauge to get

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.

"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"

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What do I look like, a weatherman

A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang.

The husband picked up the phone and said, 'Hello? How the heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman?' He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'I don't know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.'

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I've never cheated on you

A wealthy business man and his wife are looking through a marriage-help book when his husband turns to his wife. ''It says here that the most important thing in a marriage is honesty. So let's come to grips here. Honey... have you ever cheated on me? I've never cheated on you.''

He saw the twisted look on his wife's face, and trying to supress his anger, he asked: ''How many times? And when?''

The wife responded, ''Well... you know that time when your company was broke, and you couldn't get the landlord to let his pay slide for another month?''

The husband stared. ''You mean you're the one who got him to?''

His wife knodded. The husband thought it over, then sighed. ''I guess that's okay. Any other times?''

''Well... when you had that heart attack, and the doctor refused to give a heart transplant for the ammount of money we had at the time... I kinda...''

''Ah, you're the one who made it possible.''

The husband looked honestly relieved. ''Well, that's understandable, you saved my life. Any others?''

She nodded. ''One more.''

The husband leaned forward. ''Well... you remember the time when you were running for president of your company, and you were short by 17 votes...?''

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Some good news and some bad news

Jill phoned her husband, John, at work for a chat. "I'm sorry dear," said John, "but I'm up to my neck in work today. I don't have time to chat."

Jill replied, "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you, dear."

"OK darling," said John, "but as I've got no time right now, just give me the good news."

"Okay," agreed Jill. "Well, the air bag works...bye!"

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I've got everything

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, 'Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.' The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, 'I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you.' Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels. She says, 'I want the house.' Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, 'I want the kids too.' The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.

She says, 'I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.'

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, 'Is there anything you want?'

The husband says, 'No, I've got everything I need right here.'

She asks, 'What's that?'

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, 'I've got the airbag!'

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Married Life

A mother had three daughters and at their weddings she asked them to write home and tell her about their married life.

The first wrote back on the second day. The letter arrived with a single message: 'Maxwell Coffeehouse.' The mother was confused but finally noticed a Maxwell coffee ad, and it said, 'Satisfaction to the last drop...' So the mother was happy.

Then the second daughter got married and after a week she sent home her reply. The message read: 'Rothmans.' So the mother looked for the Rothmans ad, and it said, 'LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE.' And the mother was happy.

Then it was the third one's wedding. The mother was anxious. It took four weeks for a message to come through. When it did the message was simply: 'BRITISH AIRWAYS.'

The mother was so concerned. She frantically went through all the newspapers at home looking for a BA ad. When she found one she fainted.

The ad read: 'TWO TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS.'

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Hearing problem

Two gentlemen were discussing the prospects of "looming" retirement. While one guy had lots of hobbies, the other fellow had no hobbies, and was rather concerned about being set loose with nothing to do.

The first guy suggested his friend go visit his kids. The man said, "Well, I only have two kids, but I could buy a motor home and go visit my brothers and sisters, that would take about a year."

The first guy looked a bit puzzled, so his friend said, "I'm one of eighteen kids in my family."

The first fellow's eyes got rather large, contemplating eighteen children, so the man volunteered to explain.

"The problem was, my mother was hard of hearing." With a big grin he added, "My mom and dad would go to bed at night, and my dad would ask, 'Do you want to go to sleep, or what?' and my mom would say, 'What?'"

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Better Offer

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

After the wedding, the groom pulled the pastor aside and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer.

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What did you do?

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

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The Farmers and the Aliens

Two aliens landed on a farm. The farmer and his wife took the aliens in and showed them their way of life and everything. One day the farmer and his wife get to talking. The farmer asks his wife, "I wonder what the aliens do for sex?" The farmer's wife replied, "I don't know. Do you want to find out?" The farmer agrees.

So, that night, the farmer took the female alien up to one room while his wife took the male alien up to another room. As the wife was getting into bed, she looked down at the alien's pecker and starts laughing. "You've got to be kidding me!" she laughed.

The alien told her to wait for a moment. Then he slapped his cheeks and pulled his ears and the thing grew to a very impressive size. The next day, the farmer asks his wife, "So, how was your night?" She replied, "Oh, it was wonderful. It was the best night of my life! How was yours?" "Well, not so good," replied the farmer, "all she kept doing all night was slapping my cheeks and pulling my ears."

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Faithful Wife

Wanting to find out if both his wife and his mistress were being faithful to him, Gary decided to send them on the same cruise and question each one later about the other's behavior.
When his wife returned, he asked her about people on the trip, casually inquiring about the passenger who was his mistress when she mentioned the woman.
"Oh, that woman slept with nearly every man on the ship!" his wife reported.
Unhappy with this information, Gary planned a rendezvous with his cheating mistress and decided to question
her about the trip before confronting her with what he knew.
Once again, he carefully inquired about the woman who was his wife after ascertaining that they had met.
"She was a real lady," his mistress said. Gary's spirits picked up.
"Why do you say that?" he asked. "She came on board with her husband and never left his side.

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Hardworking Dave

Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Dave! How ya doin?''
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
''Oh no,'' says Dave. ''He's on my bowling team.''
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser.
His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ''You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.''
''No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League.
We share lanes with them.''
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave.
''Hi, Davey,'' she says, ''Want your usual table dance?''

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, ''Looks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Dave!''

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Funny Quotes

1. When Snake is alive, Snake eats Ants.
When Snake is dead, Ants eat Snake.
Time can turn at any time.
Don't neglect anyone in your life........ ...

2. Never make the same mistake twice,
There are so many new ones,
Try a different one each day.

3. A good way to change someone's attitude is to change our own.
Because, the same sun melts butter, also hardens clay!
Life is as we think, so think beautifully.

4. Life is just like a sea, we are moving without end.
Nothing stays with us,
What remain is just the memories of some people who have touched us as Waves.

5. Whenever you want to know how rich you are?
Never count your currency,
Just try to Drop a Tear and count how many hands reach out to WIPE that eye- that is true richness.

6. Heart tells the eyes that pl see less, because you see and I suffer lot.
Eyes replied, pl feel less because you feel and I cry a lot.

7. Never change your originality for the sake of others,
Because no one can play your role better than you.
So be yourself, because whatever you are, YOU are the best.

8. Baby mosquito came back after 1st time flying.
His dad asked him "How do you feel?"
He replied "It was wonderful, Everyone was clapping for me!"
Now that's what I call Positive Attitude.

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What sins?

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a
wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Last month, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times. Now they tell me that they are both pregnant."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins? "

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody."

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The New Indian Movie on Corruption and Terrorism

Hero: Manmohan Singh

Heroine: Sonia Maino

Introducing: Rahul Vinci and Spanish Girl friend Veronique

Villain: A. Raja, Suresh Kal-muddy

Story: Karunanidhi

Dialogue: Arundhati Roy

Typists: Barkha Dutt and Vir Sanghvi

Character Actor: Omar Abdullah

Comedy: Sharad, SM Krishna and Party Spokespersons

Producers: Sonia Maino, Ottavio Quatrochi

Dance Masters: Sheila Dixit & Jayanti Natarajan (inputs from Barkha Dutt)

Action: Mamata Banerjee

Sound: Manish Tiwari & Abhishek M Singhvi

Camera: Kapil Sibal

Wardrobe: Shivraj Patil

Cook: Pratibha Patil

Fighting Scenes: CPI (M)/DMK, Muslim League in association with ISI/LET

Stage/Lighting/Statue Making: Mayawati and BSP

Marketing and Propaganda: Communist Party of India (Also World Vision)

Public Relations: Nira Radia

Publicity: Diggvijay Singh

Media: Chindu, Toilet News Group

Promoter: Shahid Usman

Foreign promoter: David Coleman Headley

TV/Satellite Rights: Kalaignar TV

Financed By: People of India

Proceeds go to charitable causes:
1. John Dayal (AICC), missionaries in their conversion activities
2. Bangladesh illegal immigrants (to buy ration cards, housing and also to
procure arms)
3. Special funds to defend Afzal Guru and future terrorists.
4. Chinese Marxist organizations: Asha for Education, AID
________

Special Thanks to:
Khan-gress Party
Allies: CPI (Chinese Party of India)
Muslim league of Kerala
PFI, Islamic Caliphate of India,
Dravida Munetra Kazhagam (DMK)
Bangladeshis in India Party (BIP)
India for Jesus organization (IJO)
Naxalite party of India (NPI)

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Humor in Flight Announcements

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported. Some you may have seen previously, but are still worth reading.


*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

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Are you a doctor?

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.

He gives the young boy three penny coins to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.

The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the penny coins but is still choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter!!!

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the coins, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, 'I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?'

'No', the woman replied, 'I'm with the Income Tax Deptt.'.

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Real Men

An Italian cab driver was telling a passenger that only real men drive taxis in Rome.

"We use our left hand for signals and our right hand to wave at women" he proclaimed.

The tourist asked, "But how do you steer?"

"I just told you," the cabbie replied, "that only *real* men drive taxis in Rome."

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Forbidden by airline regulations

Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane:

"I think everyone's asleep, let's go."

"This one's empty ... no-ones looking... you go in first."

"It's a bit cramped - let me sit down!"

"Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on."

Sniff, sniff ,"Ah perfume - you think of everything!"

"This is great....." (long sigh!)

Static on the loud speaker, then a new voice: "This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."

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Businessman

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars,get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big.
Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the
casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make theguy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport, " he asked? "Fifteen bucks, " came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."
The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

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Redneck Medical Terms

Benign.......................What you be after you be eight
Artery........................The study of paintings
Bacteria.....................Back door to cafeteria
Barium.......................What doctors do when patients die
Cesarean Section........A neighborhood in Rome
Catscan......................Searching for Kitty
Cauterize....................Made eye contact with her
Colic...........................A sheep dog
Coma..........................A punctuation mark
D&C...........................Where Washington is
Dilate..........................To live long
Duct Tape........................Suture on a roll
Enema........................Not a friend
Fester.........................Quicker than someone else
Fibula..........................A small lie
Genital........................Non-Jewish person
G.I.Series....................World Series of military baseball
Hangnail......................What you hang your coat on
Impotent......................Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain...................Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff................A Doctor's cane
Morbid.........................A higher offer than I bid
Nitrates.......................Cheaper than day rates
Node............................I knew it
Outpatient....................A person who has fainted
Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test
Pelvis...........................Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative..............A letter carrier
Recovery Room............Place to do upholstery
Rectum........................Damn near killed him
Secretion.....................Hiding something
Seizure........................Roman emperor
Tablet..........................A small table
Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport
Tumor..........................More than one
Urine...........................Opposite of you're out
Varicose......................Near by/close by

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Beer and Wife

A man stopped to relax at his favourite pub after a hard day's work.
He noticed a man next to him who ordered a beer and a chaser.
The man drank the beer, then drank the chaser, then looked into his shirt pocket.
He did this several times before the man's curiosity got the better of him.
He leaned over to the man and said, " I couldn't help but notice your little ritual, why do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your beer and chaser?"
The man replied, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket, and when she starts looking sexy, I'm heading home!"

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Amazing Diagnosis

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace the aging doctor there.
The older doctor suggested that the younger doctor accompany him ashe made his house calls so that the people of the community could become accustomed to him.
At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listened intently as the older doctor and an older lady discussed the weather, their grandchildren and the latest church bulletin.
After some time, the older doctor asked his patient how she had been feeling. "I've been a little sick to my stomach," she replied.
"Well," said the older physician, "you've probably been over doing it a bit with the fresh fruit.
Why don't you cut back on the amount of fresh fruit you eat and see if that helps."
As they left the house, the younger doctor asked how the older doctor had reached his diagnosis so quickly. "You didn't even examine that woman," the younger doctor stated.
"I didn't have to," the elder physician explained. "You noticed that I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there. Well when I bent over to pick it up, I looked around and noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash can. That is probably what has been making her ill."
"That's pretty sneaky," commented the younger doctor.
"Do you mind if I try it at the next house?"
"I don't suppose it could hurt anything," the elder physician replied.
At the next house, the two doctors visited with an elderly widow.
They spent several minutes discussing the weather and grandchildren and the latest church bulletin.
After several minutes, the younger doctor asked the widow how she had been feeling lately.
"I've felt terribly run down lately," the widow replied. "I just don't have as much energy as I used to."
"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor suggested without even examining his patient.
"Perhaps you should ease up a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder physician said, "Your diagnosis is probably right, but do you mind telling me how you came to that conclusion?"
"Sure," replied the younger doctor. "Just like you, I dropped my stethoscope on the floor.
When I bent down to pick it up, I looked around and there was the preacher hiding under the bed!"

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Give up drugs forever

Two guys were picked up by the cops for selling drugs and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said: You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and persuade them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one:

"How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honour, I persuaded 10 people to give up drugs forever."
"10 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)

"Well, your honour, I persuaded 50 people to give up drugs forever."
"50 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your back..hole before prison...."

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Bank Robbery

Judgement After a two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"
"Yes, we have, your honor," The foreman responded.
"Would you please pass it to me," The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.
After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."
"We find the defendant Not Guilty of all four counts of bank robbery." stated the foreman. The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude.
The man's attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what do you think about that?"
The defendant, with a bewildered look on his face turns to his attorney and says, "I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"

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New Stewardess

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on its final approach.

The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto".

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.

The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha' gonna do in Toronto?" "Well," says the skipper, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap ..... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the big tits out for dinner ..... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put the big willy to her, big time! all night.."

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the isles trying to get a look at the new stewardess.

Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's handbag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a shit first.

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The 7 Habits of Men & Women

Men:
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the women leaves them.
7. Although the women leaves them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.

Women:
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "An old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.

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Henry the Horny Rooster

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens.

When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, "I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"

So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk. "Henry", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house.

Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house where he did the same.

The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Henry, you'll kill yourself." But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry.

The farmer walked up to Henry saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you big buddy."

"Shhhhh," Henry whispered, "The buzzard is getting closer."

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Serious Story

Ek Aadmi ko heart ki bimaari thi.
Doctor ne namak na khane ki salah di.
Uski biwi hamesha uska khayal rakhne lagi
Woh aadmi bhi bohut sawdhani barakne laga.
Samay pe khaana, sona, uthna khane me namak bilkul na lena , regular aur samay pe dawayi lena.
Par achaanak ek din subah who aadmi bathroom ke darwaje pe mara hua mila. Sab hairan the ki itni sawdhani ke baad aisa kaise ho gaya ?
Dr. ke report se pata chala………..
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Uske toothpaste main “Namak” tha!!!!!!!!!!!
Kya aapke Toothpaste mein “Namak” hain ?

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Weight Loss Diet

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."
He lost 63 pounds that week.

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Winter Golf

A Scot and an American were talking about playing golf during the various seasons of the year. "In most parts of the USA, we cannot play in the winter time. We have to wait until spring" the Yank said.

"Why, in Scotland, we can even play in the winter time. Snow and cold are no object to us." said the Scot.

"Well, what do you do; paint your balls black?" asked the American.

"No," said the Scot. "We just put on an extra sweater or two."

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Little Notebook

A fellow is standing in a bar and another guy walks up to him and says, "Are you Joe Smith?"
The fellow says, "Yes, I'm Joe Smith."
He says, "Were you in Chicago in early June?"
The fellow takes out a little notebook and rifles through the pages, and says, "Yeah, I was in Chicago in early June."
"Did you stay at the Hyatt?"
The guy looks through his notebook again and says, "Yes I did! I stayed at the Hyatt."
"Were you in room 1368?"
The fellow checks his notebook and says, "Yep, I was in room 1368."
The guy says, "Did you know a Mrs. Wentworth who stayed in room 1369?"
The fellow looks in his book again and says, "Hmm yes, I did know a Mrs. Wentworth who stayed in 1369."
The guy says, "Tell me, did you have an affair with Mrs. Wentworth?"
The fellow scans his notebook and says, "hmmm,yep..sure did, I had an affair with Mrs. Wentworth."
The guy says, "Well, I'm Mr. Wentworth and I don't like it!"
Again the fellow looks in his notebook and finally says, "You know, you're right! According to this, I didn't like it either.

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I can't believe it

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check up on his wife. A few days later, the detective returned, complete with a video. There on the screen, he saw his wife with another man! The two of them laughed in the park, enjoyed a meal at an outdoor café, danced in a nightclub, totally engrossed in each other.
"I can't believe it!" the distraught husband said.
The detective replied, "What's not to believe? It's all right there on the screen!"
The husband said, "Who knew my wife was so much fun?!"

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Roles in Heaven:

• Brahma : Systems & Hardware Installation
• Vishnu : Systems Administration and Support
• Lakshmi : Finance and Accounts
• Saraswati : Training and Knowledge Management
• Shiva : DBA (Crash Specialist)
• Ganesh : Quality Assuarance & Documentation
• Narada : Data transfer
• Yama : Reorganization and Downsizing Consultant
• Chitragupta : IDP and Personal Records
• Apsaras : Downloadable Viruses
• Devas : Mainframe Programmers
• Surya : Solaris Administrator
• Rakshasas : In house Hackers
• Ravan ! ;Internet Explorer WWWF
• Lakshman : Support Software and Backup
• Hanuman : Linux/s390
• Jatayu : Firewall
• Dronacharya : System Programmer
• Vishwamitra : Sr. Manager Projects
• Valmiki : Technical Writer (Ramayana Sign off document)
• Krishna : SDLC ( Sudarshan Wheel Development Life Cycle )
• Arjun : Lead Programmer (all companies are vying for him)
• Abhimanyu : Trainee Programmer
• Draupadi : Motivation & Team building
• Bhima : Mainframe Legacy System
• Duryodhana : Microsoft product Written in VB
• Karna : Contract programmer
• Dhrutarashtra : Visual C++
• Gandhari : Dreamweaver
• 100 Kauravas : Microsoft Service Packs and patches

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What'd he say

An elderly retired couple were driving down the East coast, when they stopped in Georgia for a fuel stop.
The elderly woman was very hard of hearing, and usually asked her husband to repeat everything.

An elderly station attendant came to the car and started filling the fuel tank. Making idle talk, he asked if the man liked the weather, to which the man replied, "very much."

What'd he say?, asked the woman. "He asked if I like the weather, and I told him yes," replied her husband.

"Where are you-all headed", asked the attendant. "Oh, we're going to Jacksonville", he replied.

"What'd he say?", asked the woman. "He asked where we're going, and I told him to Jacksonville," the husband replied.

"Where are you-all from", inquired the attendant a few moments later. "Oh, we're from Maine," the man replied.
"Ah, I was in Maine for two years while I was in the Air Force, replied the attendant. In fact, I dated a girl from Maine while I was there. It didn't last long though. I have to tell you, this girl was the worst in bed of any girl I ever knew."

"What'd he say?" inquired the woman.

"He said he thinks he knows you," replied her husband.

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Trap...........the unexpected

The husband and his young wife were not on good terms.
In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap.
One evening she suddenly sent Somalatha home for the weekend, and didn't inform the husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story:
"Excuse me my dear........my stomach," and disappeared towards the bathroom.
The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back stairs, into the maid's bed.
She just had time to switch the lights off when in he came silently...........
He wasted no time or words but quickly took out his willy, and got on top of her.
When he finished and still panting,
the wife said "You didn't expect to find me in this bed did you!!" and switched on the light.
"No Madam" said the gardener!!!

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Dont Panic

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful .. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK!
Careful ... CAREFUL!I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!
Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt
them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving!!!

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Louis C.K. - Funniest Video

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What you get for $25 bucks

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 55th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the MGM Hotel/Casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.

Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to Room 217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"

Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swinging her hips provocatively.

George asked, "How much do you charge?"

"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."

Even George was taken aback. "$125? I was thinking more in the range of $25."

Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."

After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!"

George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25 bucks?"

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I don't hear anything

There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.

So he turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything."

The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"

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Before and After Marriage

BEFORE MARRIAGE

He: Yes. At last . It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don’t even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy? I’m not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes!
She: Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE….
Simply read from bottom to top.

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