Enemy soldiers
The first sergeant was holding a class on combat for his company. He said, "Smith, what would you do if you saw 700 enemy soldiers coming at you?"
Smith said, "I would shoot them all with my rifle."
The sergeant asked, On the right you see 400 enemy soldiers charging at you. What would you do?"
Smith said, "I would shoot them with my rifle."
The sergeant continued, "Okay! On your left, Smith, you notice 1,000 enemy soldiers heading straight at you. What would you do?"
Smith answered again, "I would shoot them all with my rifle."
The sergeant yelled, "Just a minute, Smith. Where are you getting all those bullets?"
The soldier smiled and said, "The same place you're getting all those enemy soldiers."
Smith said, "I would shoot them all with my rifle."
The sergeant asked, On the right you see 400 enemy soldiers charging at you. What would you do?"
Smith said, "I would shoot them with my rifle."
The sergeant continued, "Okay! On your left, Smith, you notice 1,000 enemy soldiers heading straight at you. What would you do?"
Smith answered again, "I would shoot them all with my rifle."
The sergeant yelled, "Just a minute, Smith. Where are you getting all those bullets?"
The soldier smiled and said, "The same place you're getting all those enemy soldiers."
Unofficial Rules for Branches of the U.S. Military
Marine Corps Rules:
---------------------------
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot...
Navy SEAL Rules:
------------------------
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust Speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.
US Army Ranger Rules:
--------------------------------
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.
US Army Rules:
---------------------
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly
5. Do not listen to 2nd Lieutenants. They can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.
US Air Force Rules:
--------------------------
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "What is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 1345 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.
US Navy Rules:
--------------------
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines
---------------------------
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot...
Navy SEAL Rules:
------------------------
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust Speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.
US Army Ranger Rules:
--------------------------------
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.
US Army Rules:
---------------------
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly
5. Do not listen to 2nd Lieutenants. They can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.
US Air Force Rules:
--------------------------
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "What is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 1345 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.
US Navy Rules:
--------------------
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines
Top 10 Politically Correct Statements About Men
10) He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a
LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
9) He is not quiet; he is a
CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.
8) He does not get lost all the time; he
DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
7) He is not balding; he is in
FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
6) He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes
ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
5) He is not short; he is
ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.
4) He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a
VEHICULAR ADDICTION.
3) He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from
REVERSE BULIMIA.
2) He is not a bad dancer with no rhythm; he is
OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
1) He is not afraid of commitment; he is
MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
9) He is not quiet; he is a
CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.
8) He does not get lost all the time; he
DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
7) He is not balding; he is in
FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
6) He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes
ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
5) He is not short; he is
ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.
4) He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a
VEHICULAR ADDICTION.
3) He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from
REVERSE BULIMIA.
2) He is not a bad dancer with no rhythm; he is
OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
1) He is not afraid of commitment; he is
MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
Brighter Side
Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"
"That's awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."
"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "Could it have been worse?"
"Well," replied Frank, "If it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"
On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"
"That's awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."
"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "Could it have been worse?"
"Well," replied Frank, "If it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"
The winning number was..
Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn’t going to bother and enter.
“What kind of attitude is that?” David asked. He leaned closer and whispered, “What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message.”
Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God.
Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher’s pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn’t wearing any panties, and suddenly her arse began to glow. All of a sudden, a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her arse as a notepad. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.
Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77. A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, Paul lost.
The winning number was 707….
“What kind of attitude is that?” David asked. He leaned closer and whispered, “What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message.”
Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God.
Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher’s pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn’t wearing any panties, and suddenly her arse began to glow. All of a sudden, a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her arse as a notepad. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.
Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77. A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, Paul lost.
The winning number was 707….
What 20 Million American Women Want
A man and his wife were lying in bed the other night when he noticed she had bought a new book entitled, "What 20 Million American Women Want."
He grabbed the book out of her hands and started thumbing through the pages.
His wife was a little annoyed. "Hey, what do you think you're doing?"
He calmly replied, "I just wanted to see if they spelled my name right."
He grabbed the book out of her hands and started thumbing through the pages.
His wife was a little annoyed. "Hey, what do you think you're doing?"
He calmly replied, "I just wanted to see if they spelled my name right."
Blonde Nurse
A man is lying in bed in the ICU with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young blonde student nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young girl replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."
He struggles again to ask,"Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Finally she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a closer look and says,"They look very good to me," after giving then her expert blonde scrutiny.
Finally the mans pulls off his oxygen mask and replies,
"That was very nice but, I asked ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?"
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young girl replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."
He struggles again to ask,"Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Finally she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a closer look and says,"They look very good to me," after giving then her expert blonde scrutiny.
Finally the mans pulls off his oxygen mask and replies,
"That was very nice but, I asked ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?"
African Roulette
The foreign minister of a small African state had opportunity to visit Russia for the very first time.
There he was warmly welcomed by his Russian counterpart, who wined and dined him and generally offered him the best hospitality that Russia could offer.
On his last day, the Russian foreign minister took the African foreign minister into a room with a table on which lay a revolver.
"My comrade, since you are about to leave, I must introduce you to a custom we have here in Russia , something called Russian roulette.
It is a true test of manhood and worth, and how it works is that you must take the revolver, spin the cylinders, hold the revolver to your head and then pull the trigger.
Only one of the six chambers is loaded."
The African leader, being of proud warrior stock and a courageous man, took the revolver, spun the cylinder, snapped it shut, pointed it at his head and sighed with relief
when all he heard was 'click', but no shot.
Well impressed with his bravery, he and the Russian drank vodka until the African leader had to be carried aboard his plane.
Six months later the Russian foreign minister visits the African foreign minister's country.
The African, remembering keenly the Russian roulette he had to play previously, took the Russian into a room on the last day of his visit. In the room were six beautiful,
naked young women."
To prove your courage and manhood, see before you six of the most beautiful women from each of our tribes.
This is something I call 'African roulette'. You may pick any one of them and they will give you a bl*wjob."
The Russian, not too averse to this idea at all, asks the African, "But where is the risk? To be called roulette there must be some form of risk involved."
The African smiles broadly. "One of the six is a cannibal."
There he was warmly welcomed by his Russian counterpart, who wined and dined him and generally offered him the best hospitality that Russia could offer.
On his last day, the Russian foreign minister took the African foreign minister into a room with a table on which lay a revolver.
"My comrade, since you are about to leave, I must introduce you to a custom we have here in Russia , something called Russian roulette.
It is a true test of manhood and worth, and how it works is that you must take the revolver, spin the cylinders, hold the revolver to your head and then pull the trigger.
Only one of the six chambers is loaded."
The African leader, being of proud warrior stock and a courageous man, took the revolver, spun the cylinder, snapped it shut, pointed it at his head and sighed with relief
when all he heard was 'click', but no shot.
Well impressed with his bravery, he and the Russian drank vodka until the African leader had to be carried aboard his plane.
Six months later the Russian foreign minister visits the African foreign minister's country.
The African, remembering keenly the Russian roulette he had to play previously, took the Russian into a room on the last day of his visit. In the room were six beautiful,
naked young women."
To prove your courage and manhood, see before you six of the most beautiful women from each of our tribes.
This is something I call 'African roulette'. You may pick any one of them and they will give you a bl*wjob."
The Russian, not too averse to this idea at all, asks the African, "But where is the risk? To be called roulette there must be some form of risk involved."
The African smiles broadly. "One of the six is a cannibal."
Cowboy at Restaurant
A cowboy had just spent a week penned up in a cattle railcar, tending to their needs until they reached their destination. Following the unloading of the cattle he headed to a restaurant for dinner. The only seat was next to a lady who looked wealthy and educated. He couldn't help overhearing her order.
"I'll have a breast of fowl, virgin fowl, make sure it's a virgin, catch it yourself, garnish my plate with onions, a cup of coffee, not too hot, not to cold, and open the window, I smell a cow, there must be a cowboy in here."
Thoroughly pissed off, the cowboy placed his order. "I'll have a duck, a f*cked duck, make sure it's f*cked, f*ck it yourself, garnish my plate with horse sh*t, a cup of coffee, strong as Texas mule piss, blow the foam off with a fart, and knock out the wall, I smell a c*nt, there must be a wh*re in the house."
"I'll have a breast of fowl, virgin fowl, make sure it's a virgin, catch it yourself, garnish my plate with onions, a cup of coffee, not too hot, not to cold, and open the window, I smell a cow, there must be a cowboy in here."
Thoroughly pissed off, the cowboy placed his order. "I'll have a duck, a f*cked duck, make sure it's f*cked, f*ck it yourself, garnish my plate with horse sh*t, a cup of coffee, strong as Texas mule piss, blow the foam off with a fart, and knock out the wall, I smell a c*nt, there must be a wh*re in the house."
Social Security Office
An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application.
Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough.
He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof.
He goes home to his wife, show's her the check, and explains to her what has happened.
She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"
Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough.
He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof.
He goes home to his wife, show's her the check, and explains to her what has happened.
She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"
Potential Employee
A Manager of a retail clothing store is reviewing a potential employee's application and notices that the man has never worked in retail before.
He says to the man, "For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high wage."
"Well Sir," the applicant replies, "the work is so much harder when you don't know what you'redoing!"
He says to the man, "For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high wage."
"Well Sir," the applicant replies, "the work is so much harder when you don't know what you'redoing!"
Anger and Exasperation
A little girl who was writing a school paper asked her father, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"
"It's mostly a matter of degree." the dad replied. " Let me show you what I mean".
With that the dad picked up the phone and dialed a number at random.
A man answered the phone and the dad says, "Hello, is Homer there?" The man on the other end answered, "I'm sorry, you must have the wrong number. There's nobody here by that name."
The father hangs up and immediately hits redial, "Hello, is Homer there?" asks the father.
"Now listen up buddy, there's nobody here by that name so quit bothering me!" The dad listens as the man slams the phone down.
You see, says the dad, he is starting to get angry.
He hits redial and a loud voice comes on the line. "HELLO!" the man yells.
"Yes, is Homer there? asks the father calmly. "Are you crazy?" the man screams, " I told you Homer doesn't live here so don't call back again!" then he slams the phone down again.
"Did you hear that?" the father asked the little girl, "Now that is what anger sounds like."
"Now you're going to hear exasperation."
He picked the phone up and hit redial again. "HELLO!" boomed the voice on the other end.
"Hello" the dad says politely, "This is Homer, have I had any calls?"
"It's mostly a matter of degree." the dad replied. " Let me show you what I mean".
With that the dad picked up the phone and dialed a number at random.
A man answered the phone and the dad says, "Hello, is Homer there?" The man on the other end answered, "I'm sorry, you must have the wrong number. There's nobody here by that name."
The father hangs up and immediately hits redial, "Hello, is Homer there?" asks the father.
"Now listen up buddy, there's nobody here by that name so quit bothering me!" The dad listens as the man slams the phone down.
You see, says the dad, he is starting to get angry.
He hits redial and a loud voice comes on the line. "HELLO!" the man yells.
"Yes, is Homer there? asks the father calmly. "Are you crazy?" the man screams, " I told you Homer doesn't live here so don't call back again!" then he slams the phone down again.
"Did you hear that?" the father asked the little girl, "Now that is what anger sounds like."
"Now you're going to hear exasperation."
He picked the phone up and hit redial again. "HELLO!" boomed the voice on the other end.
"Hello" the dad says politely, "This is Homer, have I had any calls?"
Broke it to me gently
A bachelor who for companionship, had a beloved cat for over 10 years, plans a vacation to Paris and entrusts the cat with his brother.
As soon as he arrives in Paris he calls his brother and asks how his cat is doing without him.
"Oh, the cat? He's dead." said the brother bluntly.
"I can't believe this!" yells the bachelor. "How could you tell me he's dead like that?"
"How else was I supposed to tell you?" the brother asked.
"Well you could have broke it to me gently." the brother went on. "When I called today you could have said he is up on the roof but the fire department is getting him down. Then tomorrow when I called you could have said that he fell while they were trying to rescue him and broke his back but, don't worry, the best vet in town was doing the surgery to repair it. And then when I called the third day you could have said they did all they could do but they couldn't save him."
The brother thought about this and says, "That does sound better than the way I said it."
"Never mind," says the bachelor exasperated, "How's mother?"
The brother says "She's on the roof but the fire department is getting her down."
As soon as he arrives in Paris he calls his brother and asks how his cat is doing without him.
"Oh, the cat? He's dead." said the brother bluntly.
"I can't believe this!" yells the bachelor. "How could you tell me he's dead like that?"
"How else was I supposed to tell you?" the brother asked.
"Well you could have broke it to me gently." the brother went on. "When I called today you could have said he is up on the roof but the fire department is getting him down. Then tomorrow when I called you could have said that he fell while they were trying to rescue him and broke his back but, don't worry, the best vet in town was doing the surgery to repair it. And then when I called the third day you could have said they did all they could do but they couldn't save him."
The brother thought about this and says, "That does sound better than the way I said it."
"Never mind," says the bachelor exasperated, "How's mother?"
The brother says "She's on the roof but the fire department is getting her down."
Disgusted Teacher
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times.
When he would do work at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised it's level of unruliness.
Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places.
Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times.
When he would do work at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised it's level of unruliness.
Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places.
Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.
The Perfect Man - Frank Feldman
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing… You’re just like Frank!”
Passenger: “Who?”
Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right, all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star – you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy.”
Passenger: “Sounds like he was really something special.”
Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.”
Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”
Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “An amazing fellow indeed. How did you meet him?”
Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank, he died and I married his fuckin’ wife.”
Passenger: “Who?”
Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right, all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star – you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy.”
Passenger: “Sounds like he was really something special.”
Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.”
Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”
Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “An amazing fellow indeed. How did you meet him?”
Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank, he died and I married his fuckin’ wife.”
Coke Machine
A blonde was plugging dollar after dollar into the coke machine at a large Vegas casino. She kept punching the buttons only to have happen what you'd expect. Cans of soda popped out, one after the other, and change too!
After a while, she ran out of dollar bills so went and got more. Back at it she went, blocking the way to the other vending machines with the mounting pile of soda. All kinds. It didn't seem to matter to the young lady.
People were starting to gather, seeing this beautiful woman enthusiastically plugging money in like it was fun. The people were gathering more though waiting their turn at the machines.
After watching a while, someone asked from the rear of the group, 'Hey, how much soda does one blonde need?'
'Hey back off, buddy,' she retorts, 'can't you see I'm winning here?'
After a while, she ran out of dollar bills so went and got more. Back at it she went, blocking the way to the other vending machines with the mounting pile of soda. All kinds. It didn't seem to matter to the young lady.
People were starting to gather, seeing this beautiful woman enthusiastically plugging money in like it was fun. The people were gathering more though waiting their turn at the machines.
After watching a while, someone asked from the rear of the group, 'Hey, how much soda does one blonde need?'
'Hey back off, buddy,' she retorts, 'can't you see I'm winning here?'
Brand New Kitchen
A lady was complaining to her husband about remodeling her kitchen.
"You have been telling me you were going to get me new cabinets for ten years!" said the wife.
"They are a luxury and the ones we have are fine." the husband replied.
The next day the wife goes to visit her mother for two weeks.
When she returns she is overjoyed to see a brand new kitchen waiting for her.
She was so thrilled that every night when the husband got home she would have his favorite meal on the table and after dinner she would rub his feet as he read the paper in the recliner.
A couple of weeks later a neighbor came by for a visit.
After admiring the new cabinets she says, "All of us were so glad that the fire your husband had while you were gone was confined to the Kitchen."
"You have been telling me you were going to get me new cabinets for ten years!" said the wife.
"They are a luxury and the ones we have are fine." the husband replied.
The next day the wife goes to visit her mother for two weeks.
When she returns she is overjoyed to see a brand new kitchen waiting for her.
She was so thrilled that every night when the husband got home she would have his favorite meal on the table and after dinner she would rub his feet as he read the paper in the recliner.
A couple of weeks later a neighbor came by for a visit.
After admiring the new cabinets she says, "All of us were so glad that the fire your husband had while you were gone was confined to the Kitchen."
Highway Patrolmen's Ball
The woman in question, a cute blonde as it happens, was pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer.
When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said: "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."
He replied, "No, highway patrolmen don't have balls."
There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd said.
He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.
When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said: "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."
He replied, "No, highway patrolmen don't have balls."
There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd said.
He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.
Lucky Bowl
An art connoisseur passed a little grocery in New York when he noticed a kitten on the front step lapping up some milk in a bowl.
The cat was mangy with one ear half chewed off and clumps of fur missing.
What really caught the collectors eye was the bowl the kitten was drinking from.
It was a rare antique worth thousands.
He walks in the store and offers $20.00 for the cat.
"He's not for sale." Says the store owner.
"That's ridiculous!" Says the collector. "He is one of the ugliest cats I've seen. He must be for sale. I'll give you $100.00 for him."
The store owner thought for a second and said "It's a deal."
The connoisseur hands the store owner the money, which he quickly pockets, and as he starts out the store asks "For that price I'm sure you wont mind sending that old bowl with him. He seems so happy drinking from it." The store owner says "
No way. That's my lucky bowl. From that bowl I've sold 26 cats this week!"
The cat was mangy with one ear half chewed off and clumps of fur missing.
What really caught the collectors eye was the bowl the kitten was drinking from.
It was a rare antique worth thousands.
He walks in the store and offers $20.00 for the cat.
"He's not for sale." Says the store owner.
"That's ridiculous!" Says the collector. "He is one of the ugliest cats I've seen. He must be for sale. I'll give you $100.00 for him."
The store owner thought for a second and said "It's a deal."
The connoisseur hands the store owner the money, which he quickly pockets, and as he starts out the store asks "For that price I'm sure you wont mind sending that old bowl with him. He seems so happy drinking from it." The store owner says "
No way. That's my lucky bowl. From that bowl I've sold 26 cats this week!"
First-aid course
"How come you're late?" asked the bartender, as the blonde waitress walked into the bar.
"It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down Elm street and there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course.
"What did you do?" asked the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
"It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down Elm street and there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course.
"What did you do?" asked the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
Doctors and Patients
1. Height of dentist's achievement! His patient coming out of the clinic with a smiling face, with "No Teeth".~ Maisie M
2. Doctor to patient: I've had the chance to treat a few cases like yours before. So let's just hope I get some kind of luck this time.
3. Patient: I have a feeling that there are 2 of me, Doc.
Doctor: OK, tell me again. And this time, both of you don't speak at once.
4. Doctor: I think you should stop taking sleeping pills every night. You may get addicted to them.
Woman: Don't be silly. I've been taking them every night now for 20 years and they haven't become a habit yet.
5. One night a Doctor got a call from a man. He said it was very urgent.
Man: My mother-in-law is lying at death's door. Could please come over and help me push her through?
6. Patient: I think I suffer from memory loss, Doc.
Doctor: I see and how long do you think you've had this problem?
Patient: How long have I had what problem?
2. Doctor to patient: I've had the chance to treat a few cases like yours before. So let's just hope I get some kind of luck this time.
3. Patient: I have a feeling that there are 2 of me, Doc.
Doctor: OK, tell me again. And this time, both of you don't speak at once.
4. Doctor: I think you should stop taking sleeping pills every night. You may get addicted to them.
Woman: Don't be silly. I've been taking them every night now for 20 years and they haven't become a habit yet.
5. One night a Doctor got a call from a man. He said it was very urgent.
Man: My mother-in-law is lying at death's door. Could please come over and help me push her through?
6. Patient: I think I suffer from memory loss, Doc.
Doctor: I see and how long do you think you've had this problem?
Patient: How long have I had what problem?
Some Short Jokes
# Husband: Sweetheart, would you say that I'm the only man you've ever loved?
Wife: Of course you are! Why do all men ask me the same silly question?
# Dying wife to husband: I know you'll marry again someday. She will live in this house and sleep in our bed, and use my dishes. And that's alright. But I want you to promise me something.
Husband: What's that honey?
Wife: I don't want your 2nd wife to wear my clothes.
Husband: Alright I promise. Your clothes won't fit Betty anyhow.
# A husband was having an affair. His wife kept getting more and more suspicious, and finally spoke to her maid about it.
Wife: I have a suspicion that my husband might be having an affair in his office.
Maid: Go on! You're only saying that to make me jealous.
# A man in a pub had a hangover from the night before.
Man to bartender: Can you get me something for a hangover?
Bartender: What do you want?
Man: Anything that's tall, cold, and filled with gin.
Another drunk man: I'll hit you if you don't take that back. You are talking about the woman I married.
# Jennifer: Charlie asked me to marry him and make him the happiest man in the world.
Ashley: And which one of these you decided to do?
# A man writing in his diary: I am an ideal man. I don't smoke, drink, or go to night clubs. I have always been loyal to my wife and don't flirt with strange women. I sleep at eight o'clock and wake up early. I exercise daily and work regular hours. But all this will change as soon as I get out of prison.
Wife: Of course you are! Why do all men ask me the same silly question?
# Dying wife to husband: I know you'll marry again someday. She will live in this house and sleep in our bed, and use my dishes. And that's alright. But I want you to promise me something.
Husband: What's that honey?
Wife: I don't want your 2nd wife to wear my clothes.
Husband: Alright I promise. Your clothes won't fit Betty anyhow.
# A husband was having an affair. His wife kept getting more and more suspicious, and finally spoke to her maid about it.
Wife: I have a suspicion that my husband might be having an affair in his office.
Maid: Go on! You're only saying that to make me jealous.
# A man in a pub had a hangover from the night before.
Man to bartender: Can you get me something for a hangover?
Bartender: What do you want?
Man: Anything that's tall, cold, and filled with gin.
Another drunk man: I'll hit you if you don't take that back. You are talking about the woman I married.
# Jennifer: Charlie asked me to marry him and make him the happiest man in the world.
Ashley: And which one of these you decided to do?
# A man writing in his diary: I am an ideal man. I don't smoke, drink, or go to night clubs. I have always been loyal to my wife and don't flirt with strange women. I sleep at eight o'clock and wake up early. I exercise daily and work regular hours. But all this will change as soon as I get out of prison.
Anagrams
An Anagram is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. Someone out there either has far too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble.
DORMITORY
When you rearrange the letters:
Dirty Room
EVANGELIST
Evil's Agent
SLOT MACHINES
Cash Lost in 'em
MOTHER-IN-LAW
Woman Hitler
A DECIMAL POINT
I'm a Dot in Place
THE EARTHQUAKES
That Queer Shake
ELEVEN PLUS TWO
Twelve plus one
CLINTON PRESIDENT OF THE USA
To copulate he finds interns
DORMITORY
When you rearrange the letters:
Dirty Room
EVANGELIST
Evil's Agent
SLOT MACHINES
Cash Lost in 'em
MOTHER-IN-LAW
Woman Hitler
A DECIMAL POINT
I'm a Dot in Place
THE EARTHQUAKES
That Queer Shake
ELEVEN PLUS TWO
Twelve plus one
CLINTON PRESIDENT OF THE USA
To copulate he finds interns
What mother like
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
Two Priests and a Blonde
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They wanted to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy As soon as the plane landed they headed or a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their ‘tourist’ garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a ‘drop dead gorgeous’ blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn’t help but stare.
:happy:As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said ‘Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,’ nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, and said: “Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,” and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn’t stand it any longer and said, “Just a minute, young lady.”
“Yes, Father?”
“We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?’”
She replied, “Father, it’s me, Sister Kathleen.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their ‘tourist’ garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a ‘drop dead gorgeous’ blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn’t help but stare.
:happy:As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said ‘Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,’ nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, and said: “Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,” and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn’t stand it any longer and said, “Just a minute, young lady.”
“Yes, Father?”
“We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?’”
She replied, “Father, it’s me, Sister Kathleen.
Twenty five whiskeys
A bartender is preparing to open for the night when he hears a knock at the door, he opens the door and a beautiful blonde is standing there.
She says, "I'm shy could I get a drink before you open?"
So he lets her in. "What'll it be?"
"Twenty-five whiskeys please. Just line 'em up."
He is shocked that she would want so much, but he fills them and he watches her down the lot one by one. She then collapsed on the floor.
The bartender looks over the bar, not bad he thinks and takes her upstairs. When he has had enough he goes back down to open up.
It's a really busy night and to boost business he sells the girl for twenty bucks per go. Everyone wants a turn, and he makes a fortune.
When he has closed up, he takes the girl and puts her outside the door where she first came from and he counts his profits.
The next night at the same time the doorbell rings again so he answers and the girl is back. He can't believe his luck. Inviting her in he asks, "Twenty five whiskeys again, Darlin'?"
"Oh no," she replies, "vodka please. Whiskey makes my p*ssy sore."
She says, "I'm shy could I get a drink before you open?"
So he lets her in. "What'll it be?"
"Twenty-five whiskeys please. Just line 'em up."
He is shocked that she would want so much, but he fills them and he watches her down the lot one by one. She then collapsed on the floor.
The bartender looks over the bar, not bad he thinks and takes her upstairs. When he has had enough he goes back down to open up.
It's a really busy night and to boost business he sells the girl for twenty bucks per go. Everyone wants a turn, and he makes a fortune.
When he has closed up, he takes the girl and puts her outside the door where she first came from and he counts his profits.
The next night at the same time the doorbell rings again so he answers and the girl is back. He can't believe his luck. Inviting her in he asks, "Twenty five whiskeys again, Darlin'?"
"Oh no," she replies, "vodka please. Whiskey makes my p*ssy sore."
Woman's Ear
A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution.
He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him. The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, 'yes, I can put you right.'
After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel.
The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, 'You swine, you gave me a woman's ears.'
'Well, an ear is an ear. It makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's.'
'You're wrong! I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!'
He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him. The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, 'yes, I can put you right.'
After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel.
The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, 'You swine, you gave me a woman's ears.'
'Well, an ear is an ear. It makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's.'
'You're wrong! I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!'
Mother of the Bride
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parent's nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the perfect dress to wear, too, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
But a week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not!" the witch (as Jennifer had come to call the girl who was not even quite as old as she was) said. "I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I will be wearing it to your wedding."
Jennifer told her mother, who graciously said, "Nevermind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."
A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
"Of course I do, dear," her mother replied, smiling. "I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."
Her mother had found the perfect dress to wear, too, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
But a week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not!" the witch (as Jennifer had come to call the girl who was not even quite as old as she was) said. "I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I will be wearing it to your wedding."
Jennifer told her mother, who graciously said, "Nevermind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."
A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
"Of course I do, dear," her mother replied, smiling. "I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."
Fly In The Soup
Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
Um, looks to me to be backstroke, sir...
Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
Yes sir, it's the hot water that kills them.
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Don't worry sir, the spider on the breadroll will get 'em.
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
No sir, that's a cockroach, the fly is on your steak.
Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
What do you expect for $1 - a live one?
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Keep it down sir, or they'll all be wanting one.
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Its OK, Sir, there's no extra charge!
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Force of habit, sir. Our chef used to be a tailor.
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Couldn't be, sir. The cook used them all in the raisin bread.
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!
I know, but unfortunately we are out of turtle.
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!
Sorry sir, maybe I've forgotten it when I removed the other three.
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Surely not, sir. It must be one of those vitamin bees you hear so much about.
Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup!
Then we've served you too much soup, the fly should be wading.
Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
It's fly soup sir!
Waiter, waiter, there's a bee in my soup.
Yes Sir, it's the fly's day off.
Um, looks to me to be backstroke, sir...
Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
Yes sir, it's the hot water that kills them.
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Don't worry sir, the spider on the breadroll will get 'em.
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
No sir, that's a cockroach, the fly is on your steak.
Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
What do you expect for $1 - a live one?
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Keep it down sir, or they'll all be wanting one.
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Its OK, Sir, there's no extra charge!
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Force of habit, sir. Our chef used to be a tailor.
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Couldn't be, sir. The cook used them all in the raisin bread.
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!
I know, but unfortunately we are out of turtle.
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!
Sorry sir, maybe I've forgotten it when I removed the other three.
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Surely not, sir. It must be one of those vitamin bees you hear so much about.
Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup!
Then we've served you too much soup, the fly should be wading.
Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
It's fly soup sir!
Waiter, waiter, there's a bee in my soup.
Yes Sir, it's the fly's day off.
Rabbit and Snake
One day there was a rabbit and a snake who were both growing old and could not remember what animal they were.
"OK I'll describe you and then see if you can guess what you are." said the snake.
"That's a good idea." said the rabbit.
"You are white, fluffy, and you have big ears and feet." said the snake.
"Oh good, I'm a rabbit! So the rabbit says, "You are long, slim, and have a forked tongue."
"Oh NO, I'm a lawyer!
"OK I'll describe you and then see if you can guess what you are." said the snake.
"That's a good idea." said the rabbit.
"You are white, fluffy, and you have big ears and feet." said the snake.
"Oh good, I'm a rabbit! So the rabbit says, "You are long, slim, and have a forked tongue."
"Oh NO, I'm a lawyer!
Italian Boy’s Confession
The Italian Boy’s Confession Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl’. The priest asks, ‘Is that you, little Joey Pagano?’ ‘Yes, Father, it is.’
‘And who was the girl you were with?’
‘I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation’.
“Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Tina Minetti?’
‘I cannot say.’
‘Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?’
‘I’ll never tell.’
‘Was it Nina Capelli?
‘ ‘I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.’
‘Was it Cathy Piriano?’
‘My lips are sealed.’
‘Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?’
‘Please, Father, I cannot tell you.’
The priest sighs in frustration. ‘You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.’
Joey walks back to his pew and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, ‘What’d you get?’
‘Four months vacation and five good leads.’
‘And who was the girl you were with?’
‘I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation’.
“Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Tina Minetti?’
‘I cannot say.’
‘Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?’
‘I’ll never tell.’
‘Was it Nina Capelli?
‘ ‘I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.’
‘Was it Cathy Piriano?’
‘My lips are sealed.’
‘Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?’
‘Please, Father, I cannot tell you.’
The priest sighs in frustration. ‘You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.’
Joey walks back to his pew and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, ‘What’d you get?’
‘Four months vacation and five good leads.’
You're all the same
One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.
As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get outta here."
The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."
As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get outta here."
The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."
The Perfect Couple
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?
Scroll down for the answer...
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The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.
Men keep'a scrollin'...
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So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.
Scroll down for the answer...
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The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.
Men keep'a scrollin'...
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So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.
Cold Hands
A couple decided to Alaska for a romantic weekend. When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire place.
He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood.
He came in after another 5 minutes and said honey my hands are cold again. So she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood.
5 minutes have passed and he went in again and said, honey my hands are cold again. She then said, Damn don't your ears ever get cold?
He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood.
He came in after another 5 minutes and said honey my hands are cold again. So she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood.
5 minutes have passed and he went in again and said, honey my hands are cold again. She then said, Damn don't your ears ever get cold?
Male and Female ATM Procedures
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have been developed.
Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender:
MALE PROCEDURE
"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have been developed.
Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender:
MALE PROCEDURE
- Drive up to the cash machine.
- Put down your car window.
- Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
- Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
- Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
- Put window up.
- Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE
- Drive up to cash machine.
- Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
- Set parking brake, put the window down.
- Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
- Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
- Attempt to insert card into machine.
- Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
- Insert card.
- Re-insert card the right way.
- Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
- Enter PIN.
- Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
- Enter amount of cash required.
- Check makeup in rear view mirror.
- Retrieve cash and receipt.
- Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
- Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
- Re-check makeup.
- Drive forward 2 feet.
- Reverse back to cash machine.
- Retrieve card.
- Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
- Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
- Restart stalled engine and pull off.
- Redial person on cell phone.
- Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
- Release Parking Brake.
Political Postage Stamp
A politician wanted a special postage stamp issued with his picture on it. So, he instructed his people, stressing that it should be of international quality.
The stamps were duly released and he was pleased. But within a few days of release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he became furious.
He called the people responsible and ordered them to investigate the matter. They checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported the problem to the politician.
The report said, "There is nothing wrong with the quality of the stamp. The problem is people are spitting on the wrong side."
The stamps were duly released and he was pleased. But within a few days of release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he became furious.
He called the people responsible and ordered them to investigate the matter. They checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported the problem to the politician.
The report said, "There is nothing wrong with the quality of the stamp. The problem is people are spitting on the wrong side."
WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
I was on my way home to Klerksdorp when a woman driving an old Peugeot 505 in front of me brushed a young girl driving a very clean Honda Accord. This young girl got out of the car and started insulting the woman, who was old enough to at least be her mother or Aunt.
All efforts by passers-by to pacify her proved abortive as she said the car was bought by her boyfriend... I just watched and sympathized with the woman. She told the girl she'd fix the car but it was already evening, getting late and she had no money on her unless the girl followed her home if her hubby could help. The girl kept screaming as people tried to beg on behalf of the woman.
The girl blatantly refused and decided to call her boyfriend saying: Baby, a stupid woman just hit my car". The car you bought me. The man appeared in no minute ready to please his girlfriend by raining insult on the woman. On getting there, he started shouting, "Where is the stupid woman that hit your car", only to realise the woman was his wife.
WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
All efforts by passers-by to pacify her proved abortive as she said the car was bought by her boyfriend... I just watched and sympathized with the woman. She told the girl she'd fix the car but it was already evening, getting late and she had no money on her unless the girl followed her home if her hubby could help. The girl kept screaming as people tried to beg on behalf of the woman.
The girl blatantly refused and decided to call her boyfriend saying: Baby, a stupid woman just hit my car". The car you bought me. The man appeared in no minute ready to please his girlfriend by raining insult on the woman. On getting there, he started shouting, "Where is the stupid woman that hit your car", only to realise the woman was his wife.
WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
8 things you will never hear a woman say
8. What do you mean today's our anniversary?
7. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
6. Ohhhhhh, this diamond is wayyyyyyyyy tooooooo big!
5. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends'
4. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
3. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
2. I don't care if it's on sale, $300 is way to much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, pull my finger!
7. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
6. Ohhhhhh, this diamond is wayyyyyyyyy tooooooo big!
5. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends'
4. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
3. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
2. I don't care if it's on sale, $300 is way to much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, pull my finger!
St. Peter and the rich guy
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him, "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"
But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough,. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carryon bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!?!"
An angel hears his plea and appears to him, "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"
But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough,. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carryon bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!?!"
Hot and Cold Sex
An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together.
After examining the husband, the doctor said to him: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to discuss with me?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly. "
After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh, that crazy old geezer!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually around July and the second time is usually in December!"
After examining the husband, the doctor said to him: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to discuss with me?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly. "
After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh, that crazy old geezer!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually around July and the second time is usually in December!"
Surgery and bill
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open-heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked, 'Do you have health insurance?'
He replied in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.'
The nun asked, 'Do you have money in the bank?'
He replied, 'No money in the bank.'
The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?'
He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.'
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, 'Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns
are married to God.'
The patient replied, 'Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.'
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked, 'Do you have health insurance?'
He replied in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.'
The nun asked, 'Do you have money in the bank?'
He replied, 'No money in the bank.'
The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?'
He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.'
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, 'Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns
are married to God.'
The patient replied, 'Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.'
9 Things I Hate About Everyone
- People who point at their wrist asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
- People who are not willing to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
- When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn Right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
- When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
- When people say while watching a film, "did ya see that?" No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor!
- People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
- When something is 'new and improved'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
- When people say "life is short". What the hell??? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!! What can you do thats longer?
- When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came, would I be standing here???
Good Girl vs Bad Girls
- Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better.
- Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons..
- Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.
- Good girls pack their toothbrush. Bad girls pack their diaphragms.
- Good girls prefer the missionary position. Bad girls do too, but only for starters.
- Good girls say, "No." Bad girls say, "When?"
- Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.
- Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
- Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed.
- Good Girls go to Heaven. Bad girls go everywhere.
Traffic Court
A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.
"What for?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."
The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.
"What for?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."
The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."
Parenthood: Changes with Each Baby
Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:
Your Clothes
-1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
-2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
-3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
The Baby's Name
-1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
-2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
-3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.
Preparing for the Birth
-1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
-2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
-3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
The Layette
-1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color- coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
-2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
-3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
Worries
-1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
-2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
-3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
Activities
-1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
-2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
-3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
Going Out
-1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
-2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
-3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
At Home
-1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
-2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
-3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
Your Clothes
-1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
-2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
-3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
The Baby's Name
-1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
-2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
-3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.
Preparing for the Birth
-1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
-2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
-3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
The Layette
-1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color- coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
-2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
-3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
Worries
-1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
-2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
-3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
Activities
-1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
-2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
-3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
Going Out
-1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
-2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
-3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
At Home
-1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
-2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
-3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
UK CLASSIFIED ADS
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. Newspaper:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel,
1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY !
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel,
1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY !
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
White Cloud
One night a man has a dream that he died and went to heaven. He sat next to another man on a bench and began talking. Before long a beautiful redhead walks by.
"Man, I'd sure like to screw that!"
"This is heaven, just take her behind the white cloud."
His new friend replied.
So he takes her behind the cloud and has the best lay of his life. When he gets back to the bench he begins to tell the man all about it.
Then another hot lady walks by.
"Geez, I'd love to bang that!"
"Fine, just take her behind the white cloud."
He does, and returns back to the bench.
Another ten minutes goes by and another lady walks by.
"Excuse me for a moment, I have to get her!"
"OK, just remember to go behind the white cloud."
He gets back and sets down.
"This is great! But I really have to take a sh*t!"
"Go behind the white cloud" the guy replies.
He gets up and does a number.
"What do I wipe with?"
"Just use some of the white cloud" The man yells back.
Morning comes and the guy walks downstairs where his wife has made him breakfast.
"I had the wildest dream last night!" He says to his wife.
"You're telling me! You f*cked me three times, sh*t on the pillow, and wiped your a*s with the sheets!"
"Man, I'd sure like to screw that!"
"This is heaven, just take her behind the white cloud."
His new friend replied.
So he takes her behind the cloud and has the best lay of his life. When he gets back to the bench he begins to tell the man all about it.
Then another hot lady walks by.
"Geez, I'd love to bang that!"
"Fine, just take her behind the white cloud."
He does, and returns back to the bench.
Another ten minutes goes by and another lady walks by.
"Excuse me for a moment, I have to get her!"
"OK, just remember to go behind the white cloud."
He gets back and sets down.
"This is great! But I really have to take a sh*t!"
"Go behind the white cloud" the guy replies.
He gets up and does a number.
"What do I wipe with?"
"Just use some of the white cloud" The man yells back.
Morning comes and the guy walks downstairs where his wife has made him breakfast.
"I had the wildest dream last night!" He says to his wife.
"You're telling me! You f*cked me three times, sh*t on the pillow, and wiped your a*s with the sheets!"
Once a year Vacation
A woman entered the hospital to deliver her 15th child.
"Congratulations," said the nurse, "but don't you think this is enough?"
The woman replied, "Are you kidding? This is the only vacation I get each year."
"Congratulations," said the nurse, "but don't you think this is enough?"
The woman replied, "Are you kidding? This is the only vacation I get each year."
Collection
A man is stopped in heavy traffic in Los Angeles and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. We're not even moving."
Noticing a police officer walking down the highway between the cars, the man rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me, officer ... what's the holdup?"
"It's and idiot," says the cop. "He's all depressed. He's lying down in the middle of the highway and threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire because he is flat broke. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."
The man says, "A collection, huh? How much have you got so far?"
"So far ... ten gallons."
Noticing a police officer walking down the highway between the cars, the man rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me, officer ... what's the holdup?"
"It's and idiot," says the cop. "He's all depressed. He's lying down in the middle of the highway and threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire because he is flat broke. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."
The man says, "A collection, huh? How much have you got so far?"
"So far ... ten gallons."
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
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You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
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You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Two Dwarfs
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ..... UGH! Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE... UGH! Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!' .... ALL NIGHT LONG.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 'How did it go?' The first mutters, 'It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection.'
The second dwarf shook his head. 'You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ..... UGH! Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE... UGH! Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!' .... ALL NIGHT LONG.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 'How did it go?' The first mutters, 'It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection.'
The second dwarf shook his head. 'You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed.
Exactly Same Duties
A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet.
“Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the Army,” the general said. “Nothing to it–you’ll catch on again fast.”
Next morning promptly at eight o’clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general’s bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer’s wife on her bottom and said, “OK, sweetheart, it’s back to the village for you!”
“Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the Army,” the general said. “Nothing to it–you’ll catch on again fast.”
Next morning promptly at eight o’clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general’s bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer’s wife on her bottom and said, “OK, sweetheart, it’s back to the village for you!”
25th anniversary
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago,
the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago,
the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
Two Russian hunters
Two Russian hunters meet. I shot a gigantic bear yesterday, says Ivan. Look at the hide!
How do you find such huge bears? Sergei asks.
Easy, says Ivan. You stand in front of a cave and whistle. When the bear comes out, you shoot.
Weeks later the two meet again. Sergei is covered in bandages. Didn't you follow my advice? Ivan asks.
Sure I did. I stood, in front of a cave and whistled, Sergei replies.
And what came out?
To me, says Sergei, it looked like the Trans-Siberian Express
How do you find such huge bears? Sergei asks.
Easy, says Ivan. You stand in front of a cave and whistle. When the bear comes out, you shoot.
Weeks later the two meet again. Sergei is covered in bandages. Didn't you follow my advice? Ivan asks.
Sure I did. I stood, in front of a cave and whistled, Sergei replies.
And what came out?
To me, says Sergei, it looked like the Trans-Siberian Express
Private Part
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed and so Nurse Tracy asked him what was wrong.
'Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace, 'My Private Part died today, and so I'm very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes said things that sounded a bit crazy she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences on your loss'
The following day Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pants. He met Nurse Tracy.
'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please, will you put your Private Part back inside your pants?'
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part had died.'
'Yes, you did tell me that, but why does it need to be hanging out like that?' she asked.
'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
'Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace, 'My Private Part died today, and so I'm very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes said things that sounded a bit crazy she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences on your loss'
The following day Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pants. He met Nurse Tracy.
'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please, will you put your Private Part back inside your pants?'
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part had died.'
'Yes, you did tell me that, but why does it need to be hanging out like that?' she asked.
'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
A Kiss and A Slap
A boss, his Assistant, one old woman and her young daughter are traveling in a train and during the course of time get themselves introduced to each other and become temporary friends.
The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel.
The women and the Assistant are sitting there looking perplexed.
The boss is bending over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.
The Old woman is thinking:
These bosses are all crazy after girls. He must have kissed my daughter in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him.
The Young girl is thinking:
The boss must have tried to kiss me but kissed my mother instead and got slapped.
The boss is thinking:
Damn it. My Assistant must have kissed the young girl. She might have thought it was me and slapped me.
The Assistant is thinking:
If this train goes through another tunnel I will make another kissing sound and slap my boss again. The Rascal keeps harassing me in the Office.
The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel.
The women and the Assistant are sitting there looking perplexed.
The boss is bending over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.
The Old woman is thinking:
These bosses are all crazy after girls. He must have kissed my daughter in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him.
The Young girl is thinking:
The boss must have tried to kiss me but kissed my mother instead and got slapped.
The boss is thinking:
Damn it. My Assistant must have kissed the young girl. She might have thought it was me and slapped me.
The Assistant is thinking:
If this train goes through another tunnel I will make another kissing sound and slap my boss again. The Rascal keeps harassing me in the Office.
Run Over
There is a truck driver driving along, and he stops and picks up a priest to give him a ride.
He’s driving down the highway and he sees a lawyer along the side of the road and things, “Hot damn! A lawyer that I could run over!” So he speeds up and heads straight for him.
At the last second he remembers the priest with him. So he swerves real quick to miss him, but still hears a thump. He looks behind, no sign of the lawyer.
He says to the priest “Wow, that was a close one, I almost hit that lawyer!”
The priest then replies “That’s ok son, I got him with my door.”
He’s driving down the highway and he sees a lawyer along the side of the road and things, “Hot damn! A lawyer that I could run over!” So he speeds up and heads straight for him.
At the last second he remembers the priest with him. So he swerves real quick to miss him, but still hears a thump. He looks behind, no sign of the lawyer.
He says to the priest “Wow, that was a close one, I almost hit that lawyer!”
The priest then replies “That’s ok son, I got him with my door.”
First Time
Joe pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Kevin where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Joe recalled.
"That sounds wonderful," said Kevin.
"Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."
"Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?".....
"Baaaaaaa.....Baaaaaaa" said Joe.
"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Joe recalled.
"That sounds wonderful," said Kevin.
"Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."
"Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?".....
"Baaaaaaa.....Baaaaaaa" said Joe.
Neighbor's Dog
A blonde & her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed And her husband says, "The dog is still barking, What have you been doing?"
The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed And her husband says, "The dog is still barking, What have you been doing?"
The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!
Ultimate Aussie Insults
"Mate, she's as rough as a pigs breakfast."
"Your face is like a twisted ugg boot."
"He's got a face like a cat licking sh*t off a thistle."
"She's been hit with the ugly stick too many times."
"She's two pick handles wide."
"An arse like two pigs fighting in a sugar bag."
"As ugly as a bag of spanners."
"You've got a head like a dropped pie."
"Fell out of the ugly tree, and hit every branch on the way down."
"Your the load your mother should have swallowed"
"Your face is like a twisted ugg boot."
"He's got a face like a cat licking sh*t off a thistle."
"She's been hit with the ugly stick too many times."
"She's two pick handles wide."
"An arse like two pigs fighting in a sugar bag."
"As ugly as a bag of spanners."
"You've got a head like a dropped pie."
"Fell out of the ugly tree, and hit every branch on the way down."
"Your the load your mother should have swallowed"
Pickle Slicer
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
Hunert miles an hour Goat
Two Tennessee rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second hunter says, "I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
Looking around, the first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".
So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.
As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped head first into this hole here!"
The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"
The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second hunter says, "I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
Looking around, the first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".
So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.
As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped head first into this hole here!"
The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"
First one
The long-awaited day came at last when Mother took us to the station to welcome Father home from the war. My brother Harry, who had been very small when Father went overseas and couldn’t remember what he looked like, was watching everything intently.
As the soldiers left the train, they marched past the roped-off crowds. Father was the first to come by. Mother called to him and he broke ranks to greet us.
We were overjoyed to have Father home again, and everything went smoothly until later in the day when Harry misbehaved and Dad scolded him. Harry glared at him, then turned to Mother and demanded indignantly, “Did you have to pick the first one you saw?”
As the soldiers left the train, they marched past the roped-off crowds. Father was the first to come by. Mother called to him and he broke ranks to greet us.
We were overjoyed to have Father home again, and everything went smoothly until later in the day when Harry misbehaved and Dad scolded him. Harry glared at him, then turned to Mother and demanded indignantly, “Did you have to pick the first one you saw?”
Once Again
A nun is walking down the street when all of a sudden a mugger grabs the nun and drags her into the bushes and rapes her.
He then says, "Now, what are you going to tell your Mother superior?"
The nun said, "I will tell her that I was walking down the street and you dragged me into the bushes and raped me twice."
The mugger said, "But I only raped you once."
The nun said, "Well you're going to do it again aren't you?"
He then says, "Now, what are you going to tell your Mother superior?"
The nun said, "I will tell her that I was walking down the street and you dragged me into the bushes and raped me twice."
The mugger said, "But I only raped you once."
The nun said, "Well you're going to do it again aren't you?"
The Pet Shop
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you have widdle bunny wabbits?"
The shopkeeper's heart melts, and he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white bunny wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack bunny wabbit? Or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown bunny over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks back on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't know. I don't think my boa conthricter givths a thit."
The shopkeeper's heart melts, and he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white bunny wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack bunny wabbit? Or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown bunny over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks back on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't know. I don't think my boa conthricter givths a thit."
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
What are you doing?
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
'What are you doing?' she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
'What are you doing?' he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
She asked, 'What are you doing?'
He replied, 'Watching the game with my son-in-law.'
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
'What are you doing?' she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
'What are you doing?' he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
She asked, 'What are you doing?'
He replied, 'Watching the game with my son-in-law.'
Can I take the dog for a walk?
A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Mom replies 'No, because she is on heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent,
and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'
The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block... so another dog is pushing her home.'
Mom replies 'No, because she is on heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent,
and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'
The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block... so another dog is pushing her home.'
Old Rancher
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty year-old rancher in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"
Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant, too."
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"
Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant, too."
Bent It
Two old friends are sitting at the bar drinking when the first one says, "Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands.
By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees, if I tried really hard.
By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty five degrees, no problem.
I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand."
"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"
"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."
By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees, if I tried really hard.
By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty five degrees, no problem.
I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand."
"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"
"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."
Up! Up! Up!
Lovers of the English language might enjoy this: How do non-natives ever learn all the nuances of English?
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is "UP."
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers, and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning, but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for a while, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so ...Time to shut UP!
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is "UP."
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers, and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning, but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for a while, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so ...Time to shut UP!
Job Interview for a Signalman
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?”
Tom says: “I would switch one train to another track.”
“What if the lever broke?” asks the inspector.
“Then I’d run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there”, answers Tom.
“What if that had been struck by lightning?” challenges the inspector.
“Then,” Tom continued, “I’d run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.”
“What if the phone was busy?”
“In that case,” Tom argued, “I’d run to the street level and use the public phone near the station”.
“What if that had been vandalized?”
“Oh well,” said Tom, “in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo”.
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, “Why would you do that?”
“Because he’s never seen a train crash.”
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?”
Tom says: “I would switch one train to another track.”
“What if the lever broke?” asks the inspector.
“Then I’d run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there”, answers Tom.
“What if that had been struck by lightning?” challenges the inspector.
“Then,” Tom continued, “I’d run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.”
“What if the phone was busy?”
“In that case,” Tom argued, “I’d run to the street level and use the public phone near the station”.
“What if that had been vandalized?”
“Oh well,” said Tom, “in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo”.
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, “Why would you do that?”
“Because he’s never seen a train crash.”
Five weeks pregnant
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious...Here she is in the middle of her campaign .... now this has happened to her.
She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming:
'How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I've just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault!
Well, what have you got to say?'
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, 'Did you hear me?'
Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice, in a barely audible whisper, he asks:
' Who's speaking?'
She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming:
'How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I've just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault!
Well, what have you got to say?'
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, 'Did you hear me?'
Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice, in a barely audible whisper, he asks:
' Who's speaking?'
Experience
A motorist was on trial for hitting a pedestrian.
The motorist's lawyer made this point: "Your honor, my client has been driving for over thirty years."
To which the lawyer for the plaintiff retorted:
"Your honor, if we are going to judge this case by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over fifty years."
The motorist's lawyer made this point: "Your honor, my client has been driving for over thirty years."
To which the lawyer for the plaintiff retorted:
"Your honor, if we are going to judge this case by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over fifty years."
Subordination
An officer got on a crowded bus and a soldier jumped to his feet.
“Keep your seat,” said the officer and the private took his seat again, only to get up another time a bit later. “Keep your seat, private, and forget about subordination!” ordered the democratic minded officer.
“But, sir,” protested the GI, “I have to get off. I have already missed my stop.”
“Keep your seat,” said the officer and the private took his seat again, only to get up another time a bit later. “Keep your seat, private, and forget about subordination!” ordered the democratic minded officer.
“But, sir,” protested the GI, “I have to get off. I have already missed my stop.”
Lick That
Tommy, Little Johnny and Harry were standing around bullsh*tting about how tough their fathers were.
"My dad went 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. Lick that!" said Harry.
"Well, my dad did two tours of Vietnam and killed 19 men... so lick that!" Tommy said.
"That's nothing!" declared little Johnny. "My dad hasn't wiped his arse in 10 years... so lick that!
"My dad went 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. Lick that!" said Harry.
"Well, my dad did two tours of Vietnam and killed 19 men... so lick that!" Tommy said.
"That's nothing!" declared little Johnny. "My dad hasn't wiped his arse in 10 years... so lick that!
Larger Fish
"Two men were in a restaurant and ordered fish. The waiter brought a dish with two fish, one larger than the other.
One of the men said to the other, "Please help yourself. "
The other one said "Okay", and helped himself to the larger fish.
After a tense silence, the first one said, "really, now, if you had offered me the first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!"
The other one replied,"What are you complaining for; you have it, don't you?"
One of the men said to the other, "Please help yourself. "
The other one said "Okay", and helped himself to the larger fish.
After a tense silence, the first one said, "really, now, if you had offered me the first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!"
The other one replied,"What are you complaining for; you have it, don't you?"
Honest answer
My teacher said I was being disrespectful. She'd asked us what our favorite animal was, and I'd said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right. Everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, mutton and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chickens. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right. Everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, mutton and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chickens. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Suicide
A blonde hurried into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?," the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor? "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?"
"No, silly!" the blonde said. "First, I put the gun to my chest, and I thought, 'I just paid $6,000 for these; I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000 to get my teeth straightened; I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So, then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought 'This is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
"How did this happen?," the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor? "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?"
"No, silly!" the blonde said. "First, I put the gun to my chest, and I thought, 'I just paid $6,000 for these; I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000 to get my teeth straightened; I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So, then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought 'This is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
Pearly Gates
A blonde, brunette and redhead passed away in a car accident.
They arrive at the pearly gates and they are told they will be told a joke every 10 steps and they must make it up 100 steps. If they laugh they will not able to get in.
The brunette went up 30 steps and laughed. The redhead went up 50 steps and laughed. The blonde got up all the way to the top and then started laughing hysterically.
When asked "Why did you laugh when you got to the top?" The blonde replied, "I just got the first joke!"
They arrive at the pearly gates and they are told they will be told a joke every 10 steps and they must make it up 100 steps. If they laugh they will not able to get in.
The brunette went up 30 steps and laughed. The redhead went up 50 steps and laughed. The blonde got up all the way to the top and then started laughing hysterically.
When asked "Why did you laugh when you got to the top?" The blonde replied, "I just got the first joke!"
Blonde Inventions
- Tricycle kickstand
- Solar flashlight
- Fire proof matches
- Inflatable dartboard
- Glass hammer
- Black light bulb
- Boomerang grenade
Irish Medical Dictionary
Artery -The study of paintings.
Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria.
Barium - What doctors do when patients die.
Benign - What you be, after you be eight.
Caesarean Section - A neighbourhood in Rome.
Catscan - Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize - Made eye contact with her.
Colic - A sheep dog.
Coma - A punctuation mark.
Dilate - To live long.
Enema - Not a friend.
Fester - Quicker than someone else.
Fibula - A small lie.
Impotent - Distinguished, well known.
Labour Pain - Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane.
Morbid - A higher offer.
Nitrates - Cheaper than day rates.
Node - Knew it.
Outpatient - A person who has fainted.
Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative - A letter carrier.
Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery.
Rectum - Nearly killed him.
Secretion - Hiding something.
Seizure - Roman emperor.
Tablet. - A small table.
Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport.
Tumour - One plus one more.
Urine - Opposite of you're out.
Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria.
Barium - What doctors do when patients die.
Benign - What you be, after you be eight.
Caesarean Section - A neighbourhood in Rome.
Catscan - Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize - Made eye contact with her.
Colic - A sheep dog.
Coma - A punctuation mark.
Dilate - To live long.
Enema - Not a friend.
Fester - Quicker than someone else.
Fibula - A small lie.
Impotent - Distinguished, well known.
Labour Pain - Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane.
Morbid - A higher offer.
Nitrates - Cheaper than day rates.
Node - Knew it.
Outpatient - A person who has fainted.
Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative - A letter carrier.
Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery.
Rectum - Nearly killed him.
Secretion - Hiding something.
Seizure - Roman emperor.
Tablet. - A small table.
Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport.
Tumour - One plus one more.
Urine - Opposite of you're out.
Free Beer
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.
Bartender: "Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can`t make a face while doing it. SECOND, there`s a `gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. THIRD, there`s a woman up-stairs who`s never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.
Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won`t do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and the requirements get crazier from there.
Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where`s that woman with the sore tooth?"
Bartender: "Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can`t make a face while doing it. SECOND, there`s a `gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. THIRD, there`s a woman up-stairs who`s never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.
Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won`t do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and the requirements get crazier from there.
Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where`s that woman with the sore tooth?"
19 clues to calling it a night, for the ladies partied too much!
- YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO GO HOME WHEN...
- You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.
- You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies room.
- You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's ass.
- In your last trip to pee you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago.
- You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating.
- You start crying.
- There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.
- You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.
- The man you're flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher.
- The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and & sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
- You've forgotten where you live.
- You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the cigarettes you've smoked, because (as you've mentioned like 10x's by now) you only smoke when you drink.
- You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that's just because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka.
- You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.
- You start every conversation with a booming, Don't take this the wrong way but...
- You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.
- Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
- You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not?).
- You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to.
Introduction
Three guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator. While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.
The first guy says: I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. you know,- young, urban, professional, peaceful, intelligent, ecologist.
The second guy says: I'm a D.I.N.K.Y. you know,- double income, no kids yet.
The third guy says: I'm a R.U.B. you know, - rich, urban, biker.
They turn to the woman and ask her - What are you? She replies: I'm a wife, W.I.F.E. you know - wash, iron, f**k etc.
The first guy says: I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. you know,- young, urban, professional, peaceful, intelligent, ecologist.
The second guy says: I'm a D.I.N.K.Y. you know,- double income, no kids yet.
The third guy says: I'm a R.U.B. you know, - rich, urban, biker.
They turn to the woman and ask her - What are you? She replies: I'm a wife, W.I.F.E. you know - wash, iron, f**k etc.
16 Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work
- It's an incentive to show up.
- It leads to more honest communications
- It reduces complaints about low pay.
- Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.
- It encourages car pooling.
- Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
- It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
- It makes fellow employees look better.
- It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
- Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
- Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
- Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
- It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
- Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
- Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
- Sitting "Bare bottom " on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
Ferrari GTO
A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my Moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear. Then, WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 210 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers, "Yeah ... unhook my suspenders from your side mirror."
He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my Moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear. Then, WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 210 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers, "Yeah ... unhook my suspenders from your side mirror."
RECIPE: HOW TO MAKE LOVE
Ingredients:
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 soft, warm mixing bowl
1 Firm banana
Directions:
1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.
Notes:
1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 soft, warm mixing bowl
1 Firm banana
Directions:
1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.
Notes:
1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.
A Cowboy Dog
A cowboy along with his horse and dog are captured late one afternoon by hostile Indians. This presents no problem for the horse as the Indians can always use another pony. The dog's fate is some what tenuous but it is certain that the cowboy will be burned at the stake the following sunrise. That evening the Indian chief tells the cowboy that he can have one last wish, within reason, before meeting his ultimate fate the the following morning. The cowboy tells the chief that his last request is to see his faithful dog, Rex. When the dog is brought by the Indians the cowboy strokes and pets his companion and whispers something into his ear. At once the dog bounds and runs through the Indian village and over the hill. This does not particularly distress the Indians as they didn't really know what to do with the dog anyway.
At about 8 o'clock that evening the dog returns accompanied by some two dozen hookers from the closest town. Needless to say the braves were delighted at the prospect of an evening's entertainment. As the orgy wore on through the night, the chief told the cowboy that his stake burning was being postponed as they were all too tired from partying.
The next day, the chief said to the cowboy, "in gratitude for furnishing the ladies last night, I'm going to grant you another request before you are burned at the stake in the morning." Again the cowboy requests to see his faithful dog. When the dog is brought forth the cowboy again strokes and pets his companion and whispers into his ear, "this may be my last chance Rex, so please get it right this time --- go to town and get the posse!"
At about 8 o'clock that evening the dog returns accompanied by some two dozen hookers from the closest town. Needless to say the braves were delighted at the prospect of an evening's entertainment. As the orgy wore on through the night, the chief told the cowboy that his stake burning was being postponed as they were all too tired from partying.
The next day, the chief said to the cowboy, "in gratitude for furnishing the ladies last night, I'm going to grant you another request before you are burned at the stake in the morning." Again the cowboy requests to see his faithful dog. When the dog is brought forth the cowboy again strokes and pets his companion and whispers into his ear, "this may be my last chance Rex, so please get it right this time --- go to town and get the posse!"
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