Uninvited

Derek's New Year's Eve party was an annual occurrence with numerous guests arriving.

During the evening, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to where the drinks were, in the kitchen.

He sat there happily, chatting away, for a couple of hours before a strange light dawned on his face.

'You know,' he confided to Derek, 'I wasn't even invited to this party.

I just came over to tell you that some of your guests' cars are blocking my drive.'

He continued, 'My wife's been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved, so that we can go out.'

Sex for Christmas

Sex for Christmas

Angry Birds - African Style

angry-birds-african-style

Polite ways to say your Zipper is down

Top 10 Polite Ways To Say Your Zipper Is Down

10. The cucumber has left the salad.

9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

7. Paging Mr. Johnson .. Paging Mr. Johnson.

6. Elvis has left the building.

5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. Men may be From Mars ... but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.

And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped ..

1. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

I'm a moth

A man wandered into a doctor's consulting rooms and asked if could see the doctor. The receptionist was hesitant to let him in, especially as it was Christmas Eve and she was waiting to turn off the Christmas lights in the waiting room and go home; but he was very insistent. So the Doctor, having had completed all his consultations for the day and feeling in a 'good will to men' mood, agreed to see him.

The man entered in a rather aimless manner and after some hesitation flopped into a chair and looked nervously around the room.

"How can I help you?" said the doctor.

"Well, it's like this" said the man. "I keep thinking I'm a moth".

"A moth?"

"Yes" the man replied. "I'm convinced that I'm a moth".

"Well I'm very sorry, but you're in the wrong place. What you need is a psychiatrist".

"That's what I've been thinking" replied the man .

"Well, as it happens, I know just the man". said the doctor "I'll give him a call and see if he can fix an appointment for you after the holiday."

The man agreed and the doctor made the appointment.

"Tell me" said the doctor "It must have been very apparent from the sign outside that I'm a general practitioner. So if you already know you need to see a psychiatrist, why did you come in?"

"Well" the man said in a resigned voice "The door was open and the lights were on .....".

Pay Check

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man
behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"
"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."
"Oh really" she spat."then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour."

Funny Potato

funny-Potato-funny-picture-funny-vegetables

New Drugs

St. Mom's Wort ... Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen ... Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.

Peptobimbo .. Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

Dumerol ... When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.

Flipitor .. Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics ... When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin ... Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"

Buyagra ... Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-one-all ... When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminant buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

Jack Asspirin ... Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

Anti-talksident ... A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

Sexcedrin ... Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.

Ragamet ... When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

Men-Gay ... A rub-in ointment that enables single women to identify who shouldn't be included in the dating pool.

Smoke inhalation

Two firefighters are screwing in a smoke filled room.

The fire chief walks in and says "What the hell is going on in here?!"

The Firefighter says "well sir, this man has got smoke inhalation."

The Chief says "why didn''t you give him mouth to mouth"

The Firefighter says "How do you think this sh*t got started?

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Well, you first gotta understand that this chicken had a hard childhood. His father left when he had yet to hatch. His mother looked after him for a few years, but she was a druggie and didn't do that great a job. Eventually she sold him into slavery in exchange for a hit.

For a few years he worked as a slave laborer on a farm just north of the border. The man who owned the farm was about as cruel and sadistic as they get, but to all outward appearances he was the model of virtue and a pillar of the community, so nobody suspected that he had seventy slave chickens working for him.

Eventually this chicken snapped and murdered the farm owner by pecking open his jugular vein. He left the farm. Shortly after the owner's family found out who killed him and put up a one million dollar bounty, payable to whoever found, tortured and killed the chicken. Fearing for his life, the chicken headed up north.

He fell in with the chicken mafia, and worked as a hitchicken and general muscle for a few years. He slowly earned enough money to rent a house and get established, although he had to keep his head down to avoid getting noticed. He met a nice hen, and they started dating.

Now, the chicken was getting tired of killing other chickens for a living. He'd been attending classes part time, and had been told by his teachers that he was real smart. They wanted to give him a scholarship to go to college overseas, even.

That never worked out, however. The chicken's girlfriend got pregnant, and he decided to stay in the country to care for the resulting chicks. He tried to quit the mafia. His bosses were not very pleased about his decision, and told him it would be a shame if anything bad happened to his family. The chicken bought a strong lock for his apartment, although he still constantly worried about his family. The chicken got a job in an office. It was mind-numbingly boring, but it paid the bills and didn't involve killing anyone.

Two years later the chicken got two strokes of bad luck. Firstly, the company was going through hard times and had decided to lay him off. Secondly, he had developed severe respiratory problems; the doctor said it had something to do with exposure to agricultural chemicals from his days as a slave. When he went home to tell his wife the bad news, he found she wasn't there. She had taken the children and left to be with another chicken.

Well, the chicken went out and got good and drunk that night. He was standing outside a bar, watching the cars streak across the nearby highway, when he thought that it would be good to die. He didn't have much to live for, and his life insurance policy would help his kids more than he ever could now. His death had to look like an accident, though.

The highway! That was it! He would get run over, and be "accidentally" killed.

The chicken staggered out over the road, trying to position himself in front of the largest vehicle possible. They swerved around him, furiously honking their horns and yelling obscenities at him. The chicken staggered on, and before he realized it he'd crossed the road and had reached the other side.

The chicken still wasn't dead, however. He slumped to the ground, weeping bitter tears.

Smart Mom

smart mom-funny picture-funny picture

Free Fish and Chips

free fish and chips-funny signs-funny signs

New computer viruses

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Congressional virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Government Economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Federal Bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

Politically Correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard.

Star Trek virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

Congressional virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

New World Order virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Public Television virus: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

Health Care virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

Nike virus: Just does it.

Sex and Calories

It has been known for many years that sex is good exercise, but until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure of different sexual activities. Now, after original and proprietary research, they are proud to present the results:

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent............ 12 Calories
Without her consent........ 187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands............ 8 Calories
With one hand.............. 12 Calories
With your teeth.............85 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection........... 6 Calories
Without an erection....... 315 Calories

PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris.. 8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot. 92 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary................ 52 Calories
69 lying down..............78 Calories
69 standing up........... 112 Calories
Wheelbarrow.............. 216 Calories
Her on top................ 524 Calories
Doggy Style............... 726 Calories
Donkey punch.............. 912 Calories

ORGASM:
Real..................112 Calories
False................ 315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging........ 18 Calories
Getting up immediately.......36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately................816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are
20-29 years old........ 36 Calories
30-39 years............ 80 Calories
40-49 years.............1124 Calories
50-59 years........... 1972 Calories
60-69 years........... 2916 Calories
70 and over....Results are still pending

DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS:
Calmly............ 32 Calories
In a hurry........ 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door... ...............1218 Calories
With your spouse knocking at the door................. 5521 Calories =))

Better watch out

A woman goes to the gynecologist for the first time...she's lying on her back with her feet in the stirrups when the doctor comes in. He lifts up the sheet and recoils in shock. "My goodness", he says, "You have a HUGE p*ssy!"

She's upset, of course, and runs home in tears...Then she starts to think - this guy would know, right? After all, he is a doctor. Now she's curious, so she puts a mirror on the floor, strips from the waist down, and stands over the mirror so she can check it out. Just then her husband comes home. "What the hell are you doing?" he asks.

She's embarrassed to say, so she sways her hips a little and says, "Oh, I'm just dancing..."
He says "Better watch out... You'll fall in that big f*cking hole in the floor".

Honest Opinion

A very loud, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't.
The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I' m neither blind nor stupid", replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."
Have a good day

Symbolize Christmas

Three men died on Christmas and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honour of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The man from England fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The man from wales reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The Irishman replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

Stupid Superheroes

Why is Superman stupid?
Because he wears his underwear over his pants.

Why is Batman more stupid?
Because he wears his underwear over his pants and puts on a belt over his underwear.

Why is Robin even more stupid?
Because he followed what batman did.

Why is Spider-man the most stupid superhero of them all?
Because he wears his underwear over his head.

Geronimo!

A paratrooper on his first jump was given the following instructions: Jump from the plane and yell “Geronimo!” Count to ten and pull the rip cord.

If main shoot doesn’t open, pull the auxillary cord. When you get down on the ground, a truck will pick you up and take you back to the base.

The paratrooper jumped and yelled, “Geronimo!” He counted to ten and pulled the rip cord. Nothing happened.

He then frantically pulled the auxillary cord. Nothing happened.

Then the paratrooper said to himself, “Damn, with my luck the truck won’t be there to pick me up either!”

Aren't you going to do anything?

A woman goes shoe-shopping one day. As the salesman is helping her try on shoes he notices she is not wearing panties. He looks at the woman and says, "Man, I'd love to fill that with ice cream and eat it!" The woman slaps the man and runs home to tell her husband.

The husband acts disinterested and his wife gets angry and asks, "Aren't you going to do anything?!"

The husband replies, "First of all, you have too many shoes as it is. Second, you shouldn't be out shopping without panties. And third of all, there's no way I'm going to mess with someone who can eat that much ice cream!"

Thanksgiving dinner

It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself. The next day her mother called to see how everything went.

Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey said the daughter.

Did it not taste good her mother asked.


I don't know,the blonde said. It wouldn't sit still!

Ex Teachers

A horny young man went to a brothel... The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available.

Madam, "On the first floor, we have the ex-models... they are all slinky and sexy... On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses... they are all buxom and beautiful... On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers.... they..."

Man, "Say no more! Lead me to the third floor."

Madam, "Are you sure... I'm surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses."

Man, "It's obvious, ma'am, teachers always make you do a thing over and over again, until you're perfect at it."

Breast Examination

A young woman with a baby was shown into the examining room. The doctor examined the baby and then asked the woman, "Is he breast fed or bottle fed?"

"Breast fed," replied the woman.

"Strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

The woman did as she was told and the doctor examined her breasts.
He squeezed and pulled each one for a while and then he sucked hard on each nipple. Finally he remarked, "No wonder this child is suffering from malnutrition. You don't have any milk!"

"That's right," said the woman. "This is my sister's child."

"Well," said the startled doctor. "I had no idea. You shouldn't have come."

"I didn't," replied the woman, "until you started sucking on my second breast."

Ever go fishing?

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.

"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"

Chinese Laundryman

This Chinese laundryman complained to the doctor that he was very constipated.

The doctor gave him a prescription for a good laxative. Come to my office in a few days, said the doctor, and let me know how it works.

A few days later, the Chinaman visited the doctor.

Have you moved yet? asks the doctor.

No, sir, me no moovee, me no moovee.

The doc thinks about it, and then gives him a prescription for twice as much.

Three days later, when the man reported to the doc again, he said that he still hadn't moved and the doc gave him a triple dose, and he said, Come back to see me in two days and let me know just what is happening.

Two days later, the man returned.

Well, said the doctor, have you moved yet?

No, sir, me no moovee yet. Me moovee tomorrow, though. House full of sh*t.

Bowl of Chili

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Laramie, Wyoming. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

What's so funny

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.

"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.

"That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

Sperm Count

An 80 year old man was requested by his physician for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the old man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 80 year old man come back and gave doctor the jar, which was as clean and empty as yesterday.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man stated "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The physician was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

Intelligence

Two goobers were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?"

"I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

He climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?"

"Intelligence," the boss said.

"What do you mean, 'intelligence'?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can."

The goober took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss's hand. At the last second, the boss removed his hand and the goober hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The goober went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?"

"He said we are down here because of intelligence."

"What's intelligence?" said the friend.

The goober put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."