WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL

A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, " WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL !"

State of the art watch

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?" she asked.

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

Phone Call

A man & his wife agreed that any time they wanted to make love they would call it a ''PHONE CALL''

One day the husband send his son to tell his mother that he wanted a ''phone call'..... Mom replied tell daddy she doesn't have network...

Husband: Tell your mother if there is no network I will go to public phone...

Mother: Tell your dad if he dares to go 2 public phone i will open call center at home!

A Dog Named Sex

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."

Extremely Drunk

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morn ing, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if...

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if after the divorce you still call your x-wife “Cuz”.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if Daddy has a bowling machine in the kitchen.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if the Roto-Rooter man calls for backup when visiting your house.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you wake up with chocolate in your ears after spending the night in a Las Vegas hotel.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your neighbor spits grass when he talks.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if in the delivery room, your wife says, “Why did you say, that’s worse than skinning a rabbit?”

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you refer to all your female cousins as “my girlfriends”, and all your male cousins as “potential brother-in-laws.”

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you wake up the day after your wedding to find your sister next to you.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you’ve ever entered yourself in a “Howdy Doody Look-alike” Contest.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your lips move while reading a stop sign.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if one of the personal options you installed on your Hummer is a spittoon.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if the Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

UPDATED: December 14, 2002:

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you almost killed your D.I. after saying, “Hey, Y’all watch this.”

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if until joining the Marines, you thought the last words to The Star Spangled Banner were, “Gentlemen, start your engines.”

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your mamma lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your wife gave birth to one of your kids on a pool table.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your second biggest ambition in life is to “git that big ole’ coon.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you emt to your uncle’s funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you just bought an 8-track player to put in your 5-Ton Oshkosh Marine Corp. Truck.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you’ve been on CNN more than 5 times describing the Afghan War.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if when a sign that says “Say No To Crack!” it reminds you to pull up your zipper.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your dad is also your favorite uncle.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your masseuse uses lard.

THAT'S the way to wave a towel

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion.
"Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.
"Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,
"You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"

Alzheimer's advantages

Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.

All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger,

Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'.

And, once more they enjoy each other

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

The moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

Medal of Bravery






An officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the soldier ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety. “Private…” the officer said, “I’m recommending you for a medal of bravery. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses.”

“Warehouses!?” the soldier shouted. “I thought you said whorehouses!”




A QUIZ FOR WOMEN

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you.Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf.Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar
for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay" ?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep
while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about six centimeters. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is seven centimeters or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.

Q: Are you sure?
A: Will you stop asking so many questions? Do you distrust men or something?
Instead, prove how much you care for your boyfriend by going out and buying him an expensive gift.

Deer Hunting

A guy takes his greenhorn wife hunting on a ranch.
When they reach their deer blinds, the guy says, "If you shoot a deer, be sure not to let somebody else say he's the one who shot it. Otherwise, he'll take the deer
from you. The deer belongs to whoever shoots it."
The guy goes to his own blind. Ten minutes later, he hears his wife shooting from her blind nearby.
He rushes over and finds her pointing her rifle at a cowboy who's hollering, "Awright, lady, awright--you can have the goddamn deer! Just lemme get my saddle off it!"

No, there's no problem

The Polack left his drinking buddy at the bar and headed home early, explaining he had to get up early the next day. The buddy was surprised to see the Polack come back in just fifteen minutes, order another drink and sit down next to him.

"What's up?" the buddy asked.

"When I got home early I found my wife in bed f*cking another guy," the Polack explained.

"Aren't you furious?" the friend asked.

"No, there's no problem. She promised she'd change the sheets afterwards."The Polack left his drinking buddy at the bar and headed home early, explaining he had to get up early the next day. The buddy was surprised to see the Polack come back in just fifteen minutes, order another drink and sit down next to him. "What's up?" the buddy asked. "When I got home early I found my wife in bed f*cking another guy," the Polack explained. "Aren't you furious?" the friend asked. "No, there's no problem. She promised she'd change the sheets afterwards."

The complaint letter from Blonde

The complaint letter from Blone:

We blonds at the ofise are tired of all the the dum stoopid jokes about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate stress and makes our roots turn dark. We have hired a loyer and he is talking to the loyers at Clairol. We will take this all the way to the supream cort if we have two. Juj Thomas knos all about hairassment and he will be on are side.

We have also talked to the govner to make a new law to stop this pursicushun.

We want a law that makes peepol tell brewnet jokes as much as blond jokes and every so often a red head joke. If we don't get our way we will not date anybody that ain't blond and we will make up jokes about you and we will laff.

Sined by the blonds at the ofise
(sine with a penseel so you can erace it if you make a mistake)

I bet I know what it is

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers."

"That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"

"Oh, just a wild guess,"" she said.

The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."

"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.

"Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"

With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

Confucius say

On wisdom, Confucius say...


Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

War not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who sit on tack get point!

Man who jump off cliff, jump to conclusion!

Man stuck in pantry have ass in jam.

When called an idiot sometimes is better to be quiet than to open mouth and remove all doubt.

Man who behaves like an ass will be the butt of those who crack jokes.

He who thinks only of number one must remember this number is next to nothing.

Man who put head on railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.

He who buries a man's wife alive, should not expect to sit at that man's dinner table without the subject coming up.

Man who eats photo of father, soon spitting-image of father.

Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get tone of A flat miner.

Wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.

Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.

Man who fly airplane upside-down bound to have crack up.

Confucius say too damn much.

Black man with white dog go to prison, white man with black dog gets praise.










On hygiene, Confucius say...


Man who drop watch in toilet have ****** time.

Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters in his own hands.

Man who take sleeping pill and laxative on the same night will wake up in deep ****.

A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.

House without toilet is uncanny.

Man who cut self while shaving, lose face.

He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.

Man who stick foot in mouth get athlete's tongue.

Man that go to bed with itchy butt wake up with sticky fingers.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Grease monkey who go to bed without bathing wake up oily in the morning.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.










On sex, Confucius say...


Virginity like bubble: one prick, all gone.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

Man kicked in testicles left holding bag.

Woman who wear jockstrap have make believe ballroom.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Secretary not permanent fixture until screwed on top of desk.

Hole happy, whole body happy.

Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.

Don't drink and park, accidents cause people.

Dumb man climb tree to get cherry, wise man spread limbs.

State of pregnancy exist when woman takes seriously something poked in fun.

Man who plays with self, pulls boner.

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Marriage is like game of poker. You start with pair and end with full house.

Man trapped in brothel get jerked around.

Man's wife his better half, his mistress his better whole.

It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.

Man have more hair on chest than woman, but on whole woman have more.

Girl who have red hair have red hair, by cracky.

Man who lay woman on ground gets piece on earth.

Man who suck woman's *** make clean breast of things.

Woman laid in tomb may soon become mummy.

Man who lay girl on hillside is not on the level.

Man who **** in cash register come into money.

Man with athletic finger make broad jump.

Man who marries girl with no bust have right to feel low down.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Don't sweat the petty stuff ... and don't pet the sweaty stuff.

Bill Clinton at the Pearly Gates

Clinton died and was standing at the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.

"'It's me, Bill Clinton."

"And what do you want?" asked St. Peter.

"Lemme in!" replied Clinton.

"Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?"

Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex -- but you shouldn't hold that
against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period
of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

Seniors Citizens - don't mess with them

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What're you selling' here?"



One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assholes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."

...

Seniors -- don't mess with them, They didn't get old by being stupid.

Texting for Seniors

Since more seniors are texting and tweeting, here are some STC (Senior Texting Codes). If you qualify for the senior discount, this is for you. Please pass this along to your children and grandchildren so they can understand you.

ATD: At The Doctor's

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM: Covered By Medicare

CGU: Can't Get Up

CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

DWI: Driving While Incontinent

FWB: Friend With Betablockers

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

FYI: Found Your Insulin

GGLKI: Gotta Go! (Laxative Kicking In)

GGPBL: Gotta Go! (Pacemaker Battery Low)

GHA: Got Heartburn Again

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL: Living On Lipitor

LWO: Lawrence Welk's On

OMMR: On My Massage Recliner

OMSG: Oh, My! Sorry -- Gas.

ROFL & CGU: Rolling On the Floor Laughing And Can't Get Up

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

WTP: Where's The Prunes?

WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

It's an illness

One day a drunk walked into a bar and ordered a gin and tonic. He drank half of it and poured the rest on the bartender. The bartender got angry, grabbed the drunk by the collar, pulled him close to his face, and asked, "Why did you do that?"

The drunk said very apologetically, "I am so very sorry sir. Please forgive me. I can't help it. It's an illness I can't get rid of. I am so ashamed of it. How can I make it up to you?"

The bartender answered, "Haven't you seen anyone about this problem?" The drunk replied, "I never thought of that. Maybe I will."

The bartender said, "Don't come back until you do get help," and the drunk left.

About three months later the drunk came back to the same bar, ordered another gin and tonic, drank half of it, and poured the rest of it on the bartender.

The bartender shouted, "I thought I told you not to come back until you got help!"

The drunk replied, "I did. Now I don't feel ashamed."

The wheelbarrow



"For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs from behind and off you go."

The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home.

"Well, okay," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions. First, if it hurts you have to stop right away, and second..." she continued, "you have to promise we won't go past my parents' house."

Excited Indian

A young woman from New York City was driving through a remote part of Oklahoma when her car broke down. An Indian came riding by on horseback and offered to give her a lift. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride into town was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a loud whoop that echoed back from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in Bartlesville, he let her off at the local Phillips 66 Service Station, yelled one final "Yahoo" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback."

So did I

A woman went to the bar with a black eye.
"How'd ya get that?" asked the bartender.
"From my husband," she replied.
"But I thought he was out of town?" he asked.
"So did I!" she said.

The Nine Important Men In A Woman's Life!

1. THE DOCTOR:
because he says, "Take your clothes off."

2. THE DENTIST:
because he says, "Open wide."

3. THE HAIRDRESSER:
because he says,"Do you want it teased or blown?".

4. THE MILKMAN:
because he says, "Do you want it in the front or the back?"

5. THE INTERIOR DECORATOR:
because he says, "Once it's in, you'll love it!"

6. THE STOCK BROKER:
because he says, "It will rise right up, fluctuate for a while, and then slowly fall back again."

7. THE BANKER:
because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest.

8. THE HUNTER:
because he goes deep in the bush, shoots twice, and always eats what he shoots.

9. THE TELEPHONE GUY:
because he says, "Would you like it on the table or up against the wall?

Lets play mommy and daddy





A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.
Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."

Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"

Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."

The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.

Mom : "Now what do I do?"

Son : "Get your arse out of bed, you wh*ore, and fix that kid some f*cking ice cream."






Extra Large

It was a slow afternoon at the pharmacy when Anthony, the pharmacist, saw a young, buxom blonde walk into the drugstore. The beautiful blonde sashayed up to the counter and asked Anthony, "Do you sell extra large condoms?"

The pharmacist replied, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

The blonde responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"