Born Leader

The kids in the neighborhood held an election. The grownups were astonished that a four-year-old had been elected president.

"That boy must be a born leader," one dad observed. "How does it happen that all you bigger boys voted for him?"

"Well, you see, Dad," one lad replied, "he cannot very well be secretary because he does not know how to write. He would not do for treasurer because he is not able to count. He would never do for sergeant-at-arms because he is too little to throw anybody out. If we did not choose him for anything, he would feel bad. So we made him president."

Birthday Game


All insurance agents are thieves

The town lush drunkenly stumbles into a banquet hall when an insurance convention is taking place, ready to pick a fight. He shouts, "All insurance agents are thieves, and if you, (hiccup, got a problem with it ya ought to do something about it."

Instantly, a large man walks up to the lush, points a finger at him and says, "You take that back!"

The lush looks him in the eye and says, "Why, are you, (hiccup), some kind of agent?"

"Absolutely not” the man replies, "I'm a thief."

What's for Supper

This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.

Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself."

So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.

The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?"

"Huh? I thought you were out of town."

Technical Support

After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, in-cognizant user called the system maker's technical support line for assistance...

Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?

Customer: There's smoke coming from the power supply on my computer...

Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply...

Customer: No, I don't! I just need to change the start-up files...

Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it...

Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system start-up files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command...

For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician's efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded...

Technician: I'm sorry. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there's an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem...

Customer: I knew it!

Technician: Just add the line 'LOAD NOSMOKE.EXE' at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes...

About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the customer...

Customer: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking...

Technician: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

Customer: MS-DOS 6.22...

Technician: Well, that's your problem. That version of DOS doesn't include NOSMOKE. You'll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out...

When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again...

Customer: I need a new power supply...

Technician: How did you come to that conclusion?

Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply...

Technician: What did he tell you?

Customer: He said my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE...

So generous

Jacob Levy had finished his hawking rounds for the week and had done very well. So he thought he would give himself a justly deserved reward and went to a well-known King's Cross brothel. The Madam said, 'Well, you can have this nice Chinese girl over there for $5, then I have a redhead for $10 and this terrific blonde for $15.'

Jacob decided to spend $10 and had a marvelous time.

More than twenty years later his wife had died and he felt lonely so once again he went to the brothel. He recognized the redhead who was now the Madam, and there was a friendly reunion. Whereupon a huge youngster of about 20 appeared and called out,
'Mum, is this guy bothering you?'

'No, no,' said the Madam, 'in fact, John, I'd like you to meet your father.'

'What?' said John, 'this little Jewish bloke's my father?'

To which Jacob responded, 'Watch your manners! If I hadn't been so generous, you'd have been a Chinaman.'

Bridal suite

Every year on their wedding anniversary my boss, Woody, and his wife celebrated by staying at the same resort hotel. On their 25th anniversary they booked their usual room.

But when the hotel's bell captain escorted them upstairs, they were in for a big surprise. "There must be some mistake," Woody said. "This looks like the bridal suite."

"It's okay," the bell captain reassured him. "If I put you in the ballroom, that doesn't mean you have to dance."

New Church Members

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and, well, we did it right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either."

What am I going to do with you?

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the
noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you a half-owner of a profitable corporation, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out!!!"

The fastest thing known is diarrhea

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, “What is the fastest thing you know of?” Pointing to the man on his right.

The first man replied, ‘A thought. It pops into your head. There’s no forewarning that it’s on the way, it’s just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of.”"That’s very good!” replied the interviewer. “

And now you sir?” he asked the second man.”Hmm..let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.”"Excellent!” said the interviewer. “The blink of an eye. That’s a very popular cliche’ for speed.”

He turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.”Well, out at my Dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.”The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man.”It’s hard to beat the speed of light.”he said.

Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question.”After hearing the three previous answers, It’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea.”"What!?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response.”Oh I can explain.” said the fourth man. “You see, the other day I Wasn’t feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think,blink or turn on the light, I’d dirty my pants!”

He got the job!

Moral: To out-smart others in a Job Interview, be creative,innovative & think out of the Box.

Expecting Wife

A young soldier sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following weekend.
“You see,” he explained, “my wife’s expecting.”
“Oh…” said the Officer, “I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck.”
The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation: “My wife’s expecting.”
The Officer looked surprised.
“Still expecting?” he said, “Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the week-end off.”
When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the officer lost his temper, “Don’t tell me your wife is still expecting!” he shouted.
“Yes sir!” said the soldier resolutely, “She’s still expecting.”
“What in heaven is she expecting?” cried the officer.
“Me.” said the soldier simply.

First Wedding Night

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

ONLY MARRIED MEN

An IT services company had a policy of hiring

ONLY MARRIED men.

Concerned about this, a local Woman's Liberation Front Leader called on the CEO.

She asked, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Do you consider us women are Weak, Dumb, Tantrum throwers or Bossy?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the CEO replied. "It is ONLY because our policy is to hire staff :-

-Who are used to obeying orders without questioning,

-Who are accustomed to being bossed over,

-Know how to keep quiet

-Put up with anything when I yell at them.

A Marine and A Nun

The ship was about to leave for Vietnam, and the Marine decided he just did not want to go, so he slipped from the bar and ran, but the Shore Patrol followed.
About to be caught, the Marine came upon a nun, and begged her to let him hide under her habit.
She agreed and he ducked under.
Then the Shore Patrol came by and asked if she had seen a runnig Marine.
She only pointed off in another direction, and they took off.
"I sure want to thank you, Sister," said the Marine, as he crawled out from under her skirts.
"And I also want to say that you have a nice pair of legs under there."
The nun replied, "It's a good thing you didn't look hgher or you would have found out I'm not a nun....
I just don't want to go to Vietnam either!"

I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize

A man is driving down a country road when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

Social Network 2

Social Network 2 - SAW style

ZEN Teachings

  1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
  2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
  3. No one is listening until you fart.
  4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
  5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
  7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
  8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
  10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
  11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
  12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
  13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
  14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.
  15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
  16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
  17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
  18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse - then things just keep getting worse.
  20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Some ball warmers for Christmas

Three blondes are sitting in a café, talking about what to get their boyfriends for Christmas.

"It's funny," said Samantha. "Peter's balls are always cold as ice when I'm sucking his cock! I think I should get him some ball warmers for Christmas."

"You know what?" replied Jenny. "It's exactly the same with my Richard!"

They turn to the third blonde, Candi, and asked, "When you blow Chris, are his balls cold, too?"

"Ugh! That's disgusting! I never put Chris's thing in my mouth!" exclaimed Candi.

"You're crazy," Samantha piped up. "A good blowjob is the best way to keep a guy! You should try it! It would make a great Christmas gift for Chris!"

Candi says she'll think about it. The next time they meet at the café it is Boxing Day and Candi is sporting a wicked shiner.

"Whoa!" the Jenny asked. "How did you get that black eye?!"

"Chris hit me when I was blowing him," Candi said.

"What on earth for?!" the Jenny asked.

"I don't know," Candi replied. "I was giving him his Christmas present like you two suggested. I mentioned how strange it was that his balls were so warm, when Pete and Richard's were so cold, and he punched me!"

Are you hurt?

A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo.
They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation.
He grabs her, yanks her over the fence, and takes her to his nest in the pen.
There he ravishes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital.

Her friend, deeply concerned, visits her the next day. "Are you hurt?" she asks.

She replies, "Of course I'm hurt! He hasn't called! He hasn't written!"

Larry’s Bar

A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s Bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her. I’m going crazy! What do you think I should do?” “Relax…” says the Doctor, “Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s Bar?”

My Husband

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and And talking about their lives.

One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."

The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"

She frowned and said, "The postman.

He always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

Failed Interview

Story I

E: Do u have a boyfriend?
C: I have.

E: Is he working locally?
C: No. He is working Overseas.

E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you !
C: Why?

E: You will not be able to settle down here permanently. And my Company don't want to pay extra expenses on the Overseas calls just because of you.

*********

Story II

E: Any girl friends?
C: No.

E: So far chased any before?
C: Have, but not successful.

E: Ever think of getting a job first then start looking for a girlfriend?
C: Career is first priority. Currently didn't want to consider this personal issue.

E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you.
C: Why?

E: You are lacking of P.R skills and confidence!!

*********

Story III

E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.

E: Is she pretty?
C: Not quite.

E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you.
C: Why? Will this affect your company's reputation?

E: No, it does not affect the company's reputation but because my company is dealing with arts, our company requested an artist.

*********

Story IV

E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.

E: Is she pretty?
C: yes

E: Is she your first lover?
C: Yes.

E: Sorry, we can't employ you because you lack in fighting spirit.

*********

Story V

E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.

E: Is she your first lover?
C: No. Had a few already.

E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you because you are a "grasshopper"! (Job hopper!)

*********

Story VI

E: Any boyfriends?
C: Yes.

E: Is he rich?
C: No.

E: Then sorry, my company cannot employ you because our Company is dealing with money and you will seduce.

*********

Story VII

E: Any boyfriends?
C: Yes.

E: Is he rich ?
C: Yes, very rich. He owns a company.

E: Sorry, we cannot employ you because your boyfriend doesn't even want to employ you, neither do we!

Indoor plumbing

A guy from the deep south comes to New York and he's amazed by the indoor plumbing. He's so intrigued by the way the toilets work that he goes to the Sewage Disposal Plant to check it out.

One of the inspectors shows him to the conveyor belt that carries all the bowel movements. As the piles of shit parade by them, the inspector says, "You can tell by inspection who the assorted feces belong to. See that one? I'm sure it's the turd of a Mexican. See the pieces of taco shell, and the tomato seeds? And this next one is obviously the turd of a Chinaman or a Jap, see the fish eyes and the rice in it? And this next one is surely from a gay man."

The hick says, "How can you tell?"

The inspector says, "It's dented on one end."

Farmer and Salesman

A salesman was trying to talk a farmer into buying a bicycle, but was meeting with considerable sales resistance.

"Shucks, I'd sooner spend my money on a cow," said the farmer.

"Ah," replied the salesman, "but think how silly you'd look riding around on a cow.

"Humph!" retorted the farmer. "Not near as silly as You'd look trying to milk a bicycle!"

Present

Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?" His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."

Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out." So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.

He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass." Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."

Hungry Cannibals

Two cannibals, wandering around in the desert for days without food, hungry and desolate, all of a sudden, to their delight, they stumble upon a dead human carcass, pristine from any scavenger, so the two cannibals sink their teeth into the dead human flesh, tearing it apart, one starting from the head and one from the toes.

After a few minutes of eating, the guy at the head yells to the cannibal at the bottom, "hey, how is it going down there?"

The cannibal at the bottom says "this is great, I'm having a ball.

The guy at the top says slow down and enjoy it, you're eating too damn fast."

Husband-Wife Short Jokes

Both Sides of Coin
Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!
Wife: No darling, it means - With Idiot For Ever

Wishes
Wife: I wish I was a newspaper, So I'd be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper, So I could have a new one every day.

Real Advise
Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping Pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you

How Genius
Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are..
Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me

Poems written by WIFE and HUSBAND

(Civilized Fighting )

WIFE:
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.

HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in the dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far

HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?

WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but outside, laughing at you

AND THE SAGA CONTINUES........

What is it now

God Said, 'Adam, I?! ? Want you to do Something for me.'
Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?'
God said, 'Go down into that valley.'
Adam said, 'What's a valley?'
God explained it to him.
Then God said, 'Cross the river.'
Adam said, 'What's a river?' !
God explained that to him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill.......'
Adam said, 'What is a hill?'
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, 'On the other side of the hill you will find a cave'
Adam said, 'What's a cave?'
After God explained, he said, 'In the cave you will find a Woman.'
Adam said, 'What's a woman?'
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce.'
Adam said, 'How do I do that?'
God first said (under his breath), 'Geez....' !
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So,Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, 'What is it now?'
And Adam said



'What's a headache?'

Do you want a screw-driver?

A young woman takes a cab to a remote location, but in the middle of nowhere the motor fails. The driver gets out and starts trying to fix the engine, with no result. Bored, the woman opens the glove box and sees a screwdriver. She sticks her head out the window and yells, "Do you want a screwdriver?"
The cabbie slams down the hood and says, "Might as well, looks like we're going to be here all night."

More of Rajinikanth Jokes

*Rajinikant had died 20 yrs ago..death hasn't built up the courage to tell him yet.

*Rajinikant can finish mario bros without using the jump button.

*Rajinikant doesn't pay attention- attention pays him.

*Rajinikant stared at the sun for hours..the sun then blinked

*Rajinikanth once entered a race, he came first, second & third

*Rajinikanth once wrote a check, the bank bounced

*The missing piece of Apple Inc. logo was officially eaten by Rajinikanth

*Rajinikanth was shot today..Tomorrow is the bullet's funeral

*Intel's next line of super fast processors are being launched with the tagline ....."Rajnikant inside"

Could you do that?

A nervous young minister, new to the church, told the flock, "For my text today, I will take the words, 'And they fed five men with five thousand loaves of bread and two thousand fishes.'"

A member of the flock raised his hand and said, "That's not much of a trick. I could do that."

The minister didn't respond. However, the next Sunday he decided to repeat the text. This time he did it properly: "And they fed five thousand men with five loaves of bread and two fishes."

Smiling, the minister said to the noisy man, "Could you do that, Mr. Perkins?"

The member of the flock said, "I sure could."

"How would you do it?"

"With all the food I had left over from last Sunday!"

Mathematical Equations

Equation 1
Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Donkey = eat + sleep
Therefore Human = Donkey + Work + enjoy
Therefore
Human - enjoy = Donkey + Work
In other words
A Human that doesn't know how to enjoy = Donkey that works.

Equation 2
Man = eat + sleep + earn money
Donkey = eat + sleep
Therefore
Man = Donkey + earn money
Therefore
Man-earn money = Donkey
In other words
Man who doesn't earn money = Donkey


Equation 3
Woman= eat + sleep + spend
Donkey = eat + sleep
Therefore
Woman = Donkey + spend
Woman - spend = Donkey
In other words
Woman who doesn't spend = Donkey

To Conclude
From Equation 2 and Equation 3
Man who doesn't earn money = Woman who doesn't spend
So Man earns money not to let woman become a donkey!
And a woman spends not to let the man become a donkey!
So, We have
Man + Woman = Donkey + earn money + Donkey + Spend money
Therefore, from postulates 1 and 2, we can conclude
Man + Woman = 2 Donkeys that live happily together!

Alzheimer's Test

How fast can you guess these words?

1. BOO_S
2. _ _NDOM
3. F_ _K
4. P_N_S
5. PU_S_
6. S_X

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Answers:
1. BOOKS
2. RANDOM
3. FORK
4. PANTS
5. PULSE
6. SIX
You got all 6 wrong....didn' t you?
You have a problem... And it is definitely NOT Alzhemier!!!

A Newly Wed Girl's Speech

My dear new family, I thank u for welcoming me in my new home. 
Firstly, my being here should not change ur life or routine.
Those who used to do the laundry must keep on doing it.. 
Those cooking must keep cooking.. 
Those cleaning must keep cleaning.. 
Those washing dishes must keep washing them.. 
No one shud change their routine on my account..

As for me.. I am here only to entertain your SON.......!!

What a woman says and What a man hears?

What a woman says...

This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears...

blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!

Politics Defined

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The state takes one and gives it to someone else.

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and gives you the milk.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and sells you the milk.

MILITARY DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and shoots you.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. The state takes both of them, accidentally kills one and spills the milk in the sewer.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to decide who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors kill you and take the cows.

Prehistoric Computers


The Bitter Truth


Man Rules

Finally , the guys' side of the story.

We always hear " the rules" from the female side.... Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.
( FIRST and FOREMOST RULE)

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1.. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say, during commercials. .

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or Hockey.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Rajinikanth Door Lock


It's life it happens


Signs She Is Bored In Bed

20. After you request sex she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in."

19. Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your a*s.

18. Actually answers when you ask, "Who's your daddy?"

17. Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.

16. Only moans during commercial breaks.

15. Starts her fake orgasm during foreplay.

14. Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.

13. Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York.

12. You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show.

11. Beginning to think she is only "playing" dead.

10. During the act, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda,Yadda."

9. Has suddenly started making you pay in advance.

8. Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file.

7. Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.

6. Keeps asking "Are you SURE you're not gay?"

5. Boredom? So that's why she keeps deflating!!

4. Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.

3. Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better.

2. She yells out her own name.

1. Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.

Odds and Ends

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors". The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids" This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign.

"Catatonics and High Colonics"......No go.


Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives"....thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds"....still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Bum Holes".......unacceptable again !

So they tried "Analysis and Anal-cysts".....not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts".....no way.

"Freaks and Cheeks".....still no good.

"Loons and Moons".....forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones -- Odds and Ends"

Everyone loved it.

Do you have room up there

A college student on his way between wild parties climbed into the back of a cab and asked the driver,

"Do you have room up there for a large pizza and a six pack of beer?"

"Sure!" answered the cabby.

So the kid leaned forward and threw up.

Yo mama's so greasy

  • Yo mama's so greasy, she sweats Crisco.
  • Yo mama's so greasy, she sweats butter and syrup and has a full time job at Denny's wiping pancakes across her forehead.
  • Yo mama's so greasy, she squeezes Crisco from her hair to bake cookies.
  • Yo mama's so greasy, she's labeled as an ingredient in Crisco.
  • Yo mama's so greasy, if Crisco had a football team, she'd be the mascot.
  • Yo mama's so greasy, she uses bacon as a band aid.
  • Yo mama's so greasy, when she slid into second she ended in Detroit.
  • Yo mama's so greasy, Texaco buys oil from her.
  • Yo mama's so greasy, you could fry a chicken dinner for 12 on her forehead.
  • Yo mama's so greasy, I buttered my popcorn with her leg hairs.
  • Yo mama's so greasy, her freckles slipped off.

Talk about the weather

A pharmacist told his new assistant to be polite to every customer that came in. "If you're stuck for conversation, talk about the weather," he advised.

When the pharmacist came back from having his dinner, the assistant was sporting a lovely black eye. "So much for your advice," moaned the assistant.

"What happened?" asked the pharmacist.

"Well, this woman came in for a packet of sanitary napkins. Trying to make conversation, I said that it looked like it was going to be a dull weekend…"

Redneck Christmas


Accident Porn Area


'Here after' routine

Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road.
"I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine."
"No," said Fred, "I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."
"The 'here after' routine what's that?", she wanted to know.
"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone."

The Drunk Knight


Weather Forecasting Stone


Work Safely


Traffic summons

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

15 things that SEX and PARKING SPACES share in common

  1. You should never have to wait to find one
  2. You should be able to slide right into one
  3. Spaces in the front are always the best
  4. When no front spaces are available, spaces in the rear will always suffice
  5. It sucks when someone else is double-parked
  6. Your space should still be open and waiting when you get back
  7. It's a tragedy when you have a 'full-size' car but there are only compact' spaces
  8. A full-size car is good to find
  9. People are willing to wait in line for the good spaces
  10. Spaces with short time limits are annoying and never satisfying
  11. We're all looking for the free space with the "unlimited" time limit
  12. A house isn't a home without a parking space
  13. Some people are uncomfortable with a space in the rear
  14. Why is it best-looking cars are always the ones who only like parking in the rear?
  15. The better your parking techniques are the more parking spaces you can get into.

A dollar to wipe arse

Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a sh*t."

The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and sh*t."

The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my arse." The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"

The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use that!"

He left and came back with sh*t all over his hands and clothes.

His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"

The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your arse with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"

Little Johnny

One fine afternoon a gentleman was walking down the street; and as he came around the corner he spotted a young boy sitting in front of the local candy shop. As he approached, he realized it was his neighbor's kid - Little Johnny.
The boy was shoving sweet tarts and chocolate bars down his throat as fast as possible, so much that it prompted the man to offer some advice: "You know, Johnny, it's not healthy to eat all that candy."
Little Johnny looks up at him and quickly retorts "You know, my grampa lived to be 96 years old."
"Oh," the man replied, "did he eat lots of candy?"
"Nope," retorted Little Johnny, "But he did mind his own damn business!"

Sex Stories

PENSION SEX
Two men were talking.
'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.'
'Pension sex?'
'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, But not enough to live on!'


LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, 'I've got a big problem, doctor.Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,He lets out this ear splitting yell.'
'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural.I don't see what the problem is.'
'The problem is,' she complained,'it wakes me up!'

QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session,
'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'

CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body.
His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small, $6,500 for 'medium and $14,000 for 'large.'
The man was sure he would want a large one, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.
'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel
On the day of their 40th wedding anniversary, the husband yelled, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.'
'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'

WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, 'This will make you happy tonight.'
He was right!
When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs.
He couldn't get back in.

ELDERLY SEX
One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman.She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder,
The judge asked her if she had a nything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex...
He could also fly.'

Three drunks

Three drunks hailed a taxi. The taxi driver seeing that they were so wasted when they got in, he just switched on the engine and switched it off, and said we are here.

The 1st guy gave him money, 2nd guy said thanks, but the 3rd guy slapped him.

The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them would have realized the car didn't move an inch. So what was that for, he asked. Control your speed next time, you almost killed us.

Terms to Know

TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.

DIVORCE -- postgraduate in School of Love.

PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.

PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.

SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people with water in it.

SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one peanut.

SALESMAN -- man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink.

CANNIBAL -- person who likes to see other people stewed.

EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is everything you know you are.

FOREIGN FILM -- any movie shown in Texas theater that isn't a western.

OPTIMIST -- girl who regards a bulge as a curve.

MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.

COLLEGE -- The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.

EMERGENCY NUMBERS -- Police station, fire department and places that deliver.

OPERA -- When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.

BUFFET -- A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself."

BABY-SITTER -- A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers.

TATTOO -- Permanent proof of temporary insanity.

To Bee a Doctor

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain "Please doctor you've got to help me. I've been stung by a Bee."

DOCTOR: "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it."

MAN: "You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

DOCTOR: "No you don't understand! I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

MAN: "Oh! It happened in the garden where I was sitting under a tree"

DOCTOR (in anger): "No, no you IDIOT! I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting."

MAN (still screaming in pain): "On my finger! The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts"

DOCTOR (banging his fist, abusing and shouting): "Which one?"

MAN (innocently ): "How may I to know? All bees looks Same to me."

Mom and Daughter Conversation - Must Read

Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?

You're going out?

Yes.

With whom?

With a friend.

I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man.

I didn't leave him. He left me!

You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies.

I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?

I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.

There are lots of things that you did and I don't.

What are you hinting at?

Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight.

You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he
finds out?

My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me,
he probably never slept alone!

So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?

He's not a loser.

A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a
parasite.

I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?

Poor children with such a mother.

Such as what?

With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.

ENOUGH !!!

Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too!

Now you're worried about the loser?

Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately.

Goodbye, mother.

Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?

I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!

If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?

Let's name our Leroys

Three ladies all have separate boyfriends named Leroy.

One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies suggests, "Let's name our Leroys after a soda pop, because I'm tired of getting my Leroy mixed up with your Leroy, and her Leroy mixed up with your Leroy."

The other two ladies agree.

The first lady speaks out, "Okay then, I'm gonna name my Leroy 7-Up because he has 7 inches and it's always up!"

The three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other high fives.

Then, the second lady says, "I'm gonna name my Leroy Mountain Dew because he can mount and do me any day of the week."

Again, the three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other more high fives.

The third lady then says, "You know, those two Leroys were good, but I'm gonna name my Leroy, Jack Daniels."

The other two ladies shout in unison, "Jack Daniels? That's not a soda pop... that's a hard liquor!"

The third lady bursts out, "That's my Leroy!"

Friendship - Men and Women

Friendship between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there