Seeing-eye dog

There were two buddies one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.

The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."

The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"

He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."

The man at the door says, "Come on in."

The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"

The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua??? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"

I'm not an Abo

An Englishman, a Irishman, and an Abo moved to Perth seek their fortunes; renting a flat there together. The Englishman and the Abo got jobs right away, but weeks went by without the Irishman finding employment. Finally, one evening he announces to his flatmates that he has landed a big interview for the next morning at nine o'clock. So, setting the alarm clock well ahead of time, he goes to bed.

In the middle of the night the other two sneak into his room, smear his face and hands with black boot polish, and turn off his alarm clock. At 9.05 the next morning the Englishman and the Abo wake the Irishman up: he leaps from his bed, pulls on his clothes, and dashes off so as not to be late for his critical interview.

The interviewer invites him in with an apologetic expression on his face. "I'm sorry to have brought you here for nothing," he says, "but I'm afraid we simply don't employ Abos."

"Abos! What are you talking about?" spluttered the Irishman. "My name is Daniel O'Connor!"
"I'm so sorry, Mister O'Connor, but we simply don't make any exceptions in our hiring policy."
"But I'm not an Abo!"
"I'm sorry you're taking it so hard. You may not think you're an Abo, but have you looked in a mirror lately?"

The Irishman gets up and goes over to a mirror near the door. Staring in disbelief at his undeniably black reflection, he stammers, "Oh my God, they woke the wrong bloke!"

Do you know what I am doing?

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take off her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpes - that's why I am here!"

Redneck BBQ

It work better on a PC

Alternate for Plastic Surgery

Best and Cheapest
Alternate for Plastic Surgery

Bat Girl


Little sister

A little girl complained to her father, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister!"

Trying to be funny, her father joked, "But honey, you already have a sister!"

Confused, the toddler asked, "I do?"

"Sure," her dad said, pulling the kid's chain. "You don't see her because every time you come in the front door, she scoots out the back door!"

The confused toddler thought for a moment and then beamed, "You mean just like my other daddy!"

Don't ye believe me?

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the ladsstopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"

Italian Army

The Italian colonel had his brigade arrayed in full parade dress, proudly ready for inspection by the general.
That worthy warrior strolled back and forth before the troops, and sniffed and stopped abruptly.
"Colonel!" he spat out.
"Yes, general!" the colonel quavered.
"Your troops, your troops," stormed the general. "They look very nice, they stand very nice, but they stink, man, they stink! Can't you get them to change their underwear?"
He strode away furiously.
The colonel sniffed for himself. "The general, yes, he's right.
Now, Luigi change with Guiseppi, Carlo change with Giovanni..."

Bee Chastity

An Alternate To Chastity Belts And
More Discouraging Than Chastity Best



What a coincidence

A man sat at a local bar and said, "This is a special day, I´m celebrating."

"What a coincidence," said the woman next to him. I´m celebrating, too" she replied, clinking glasses with him. "What are your celebrating?"

"I´m a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they´re finally fertile."

"What a coincidence, the woman said, for my husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I´m pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.

"I switched cocks," he replied.

"What a coincidence," she said.

Wings and Halo

A woman dies and goes to heaven. As St. Peter is processing her, she hears a woman screaming in pain. She looks in the room and sees them drilling holes in the woman’s shoulders to fasten the wings. Then she hears a man screaming and sees them drilling holes in his head to fasten the halo.

"I do not want to go to heaven", she tells St. Peter. "I’ll go to the other place."

"You don’t want to go there", he replies. "They rape and sodomize you down there"

"I don’t care", she answers. "At least I already have holes for that."

Family Reunion


What are you waiting for?

A couple goes to an art gallery.
They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn’t like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking.
The wife asks: "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies: "Autumn."

Hers or Yours?

A well respected Doctor and his wife were having drinks in the lobby of the theater during the opening nite of a musical during intermission. A blonde shimmied by that had to have had what there was of her evening gown spray painted on her curvy body.

She smiled and gushed, "Well, hello there Doc." and kept right on going.

After a moment's pause, the good doctor looked at his wife and said, "Don't worry dear, that's just a young lady I know professionally."

Without missing a beat, his wife asked, "Hers or Yours ?"

The Simple Truth Admit It

The Simple Truth Admit It

Terminator The Early Years

Terminator The Early Years

Fascinate

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I also wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him for his offering.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

Wife or a mistress

A doctor, a lawyer, and a manager were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.

The lawyer says, "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems."

The doctor says, "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health."

The manager says, "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress, and the mistress thinks you're with your wife - you can go to the office and do some work." !!!

Difference between mothers and fathers

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between mothers and fathers? Well, here it is: There was this loving father who always made a special effort to spend time with his child on weekends.

Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old daughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- just him and his daughter. One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his daughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed.

Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their daughter for the drive. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her father who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with ma?" he asked.

"Oh, yes, Papa, it was really wonderful. We didn't see a single asshole, blind bastard, dip shit or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"

God's Email - Did you get it?

God was looking down at Earth on New Year's Eve and saw all the rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check things out.

When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said," Maybe I had better send down another angel for a second opinion."

When that angel returned, he went to God and said, "Yes, it's absolutely true. The Earth is in a ravaging decline! Ninety-five % are misbehaving and only 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them and give them a little something to help them keep going! Do you know what the E-mail said?

Just wondering. I didn't get one either ;)

So what's the problem now

A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences.

After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off.

About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"

Gold Urinal

Before the inauguration, George W. was invited to a 'get acquainted' tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal!

That afternoon, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "when I am President, I'll have my own personal gold urinal!"

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "Well, I found out who pissed in your saxophone."

Viagra - Now for animals too


Two Nuns and Hot Dog

Two nuns took their first trip outside the convent. They had never seen a baseball game, so they got tickets. Once inside, they sat in the bleachers, and hearing a vender selling hot dogs, one said, "We've never had hot dogs before," and they decided to order a couple.

The first nun unwrapped her hot dog, and proceeded to quickly wrap it up again, saying, "Oh, my!"

"What's wrong, sister?" asked her companion.

"Well," came the reply, "which part of the dog did you get?"

Mouse in the house

A : I'm in a big trouble!
B: Why is that?
A: I saw a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don't have one.
B: Well then, buy one.
A: Can't afford one.
B: I can give you mine if you want.
A: That sounds good.
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.
A: I don't have any cheese.
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.
A: I don't have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
A: I don't have bread.
B: Don't worry the mouse will leave your house on its own

My little boopey-boo

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"

The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two make passionate love and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy idiot."

Mailbox in Car

Blonde: "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."

Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a cell phone?"

Blonde: "They're too expensive, so I did the next best thing: I put a mailbox in my car."

Psychiatrist: "And do you receive any letters?"

Blonde: "No, but I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."

Coroner report

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

Coroner tells the Inspector: “First body: A Frenchman, 72, died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile.”

“Second body: “Irishman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”

The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?”

“Ah,” says the coroner, “This is the most unusual one. Joe JR, the Redneck from Neon . Kentucky, 30, struck by lightning.”

“Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector.

“Thought he was having his picture taken.”

Get me a beer before it starts

A man comes home from work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."

The wife gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."

She looks cross, but fetches another beer.

He finishes that beer and says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious.

She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, blah blah

The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."

Hungry Monkey - HAHAHAHA

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

Guilty

In a court room in rural Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder, there is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse, which would really seal his fate.

In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the shyster says as he looks at his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom, proving my client's innocence!" He turns and looks toward the courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, follow his eyes and look too. A minute passes, but nothing happens.

Finally the lawyer says: "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, still looking suspicious, retires to deliberate.

But only a few minutes later, the jury returns and the foreman utters their verdict: guilty!

"But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

"Yes, we looked," admitted the foreman. "But we noticed your client didn't."

Cost-Cutting Measures:

Due To The Current Financial Status Of The Company, All Employees Are Encouraged To Adopt The Following Cost-Cutting Measures:

Lodging
All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business travel. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.

Transportation
Hitchhiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on business trips. Bus transportation will be used only when work schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but the lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.

Meals
Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Hickory Farms, General Nutrition centers, and, Costco, Sams stores etc. often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also be familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destinations. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should use "all you can eat" salad bars.
This is especially effective for employees traveling together as one plate can be used to feed the entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food on business travel. Cans of tuna fish, Spam, and Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the necessary bother of heating or costly preparation.

Miscellaneous
All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in effort to save company dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods which could be used to defray travel expenses. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to their departure so that they may earn tips by helping others with their luggage. Small plastic roses and ball point pens will also be available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.

Office Jargon

  1. Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
  2. Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
  3. Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, poops over everything and then leaves.
  4. Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
  5. Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
  6. Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
  7. Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
  8. Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
  9. SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
  10. Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.
  11. Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
  12. Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
  13. Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
  14. Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
  15. Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
  16. Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's work place.
  17. Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.
  18. Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
  19. Chips and Salsa: Chips equals 3D hardware and salsa equals 3D software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."
  20. Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
  21. GOOD Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
  22. Irritainment - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
  23. Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the poop out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
  24. Uninstalled or Deinstalled - Euphemisms for being fired. Heard on the voice mail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.
  25. Vulcan Nerve Pinch - The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

Funny Job application

  • NAME: Greg Bulmash 
  • DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha! But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
  • DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.
  • EDUCATION: Yes.
  • LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
  • SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
  • MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
  • REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
  • HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
  • PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 pm, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
  • DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
  • MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
  • DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
  • DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
  • HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
  • DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
  • WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
  • DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
  • SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

Smart Dogs

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his dog could do better.

He called to his dog and said "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the chemist said his dog could do better.

He called to his dog and said "Measure, do your stuff". Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a pint of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard, and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the government worker and said "what can your dog do?"

The government worker called to his dog and said "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shat on the paper, screwed the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.....

The 4 Stages of Life


Competitive boat race

The American and the Japanese corporate offices for a large multi-national corporation decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.

On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese team won by a mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action.

The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.

After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team.

So, as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four

steering managers, three area steering managers and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American office laid-off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.

Coffee

A Lady went to her Family Doctor for help on improving her S*x life.

Doctor : Give your Husband Viagra !

Lady : Can't. He hates pills !

Doctor : Just put it in his Coffee !

The next week, she came back unhappy !

Doctor : Was it not good?

Lady : No. It was the best S*X I ever had. He had a few sips of Coffee, then he pushed everything off the table & made Love to me right there on the table...!

Doctor : Well, what's wrong then...???

Lady : I'll never be able to show my face at the neighborhood Barista ever again !!

Electrified Fence

A 65 year old man was frantically making out in his Lawn with his 60 yr old Wife, by taking support of his Fence!

Wife : You never ever did like this to me even 40 years ago !

Man : This fence wasn't ELECTRIFIED at that time !

Wishing well

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"

Gender roles in Kabul

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before our involvement in the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul, and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land Mines."

An expensive milking machine

A farmer orders an expensive milking machine. He decides to test it on himself first, so he inserts his manhood into the equipment and turns on the switch. Soon he realizes that the equipment provides him with more pleasure than his wife does.

But when the fun is over, he realizes that he cannot remove the instrument from his tool, anxiously he reads the manual, but does not find any useful information.

He tries every button on the instrument, without success. Finally the farmer decides to call the customer hotline.

''Hello, I just bought a cow milking machine from your company, it works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?''
"Don't worry sir'', replies the customer service person, ''the machine will release automatically once it has collected two litres!

Confused about Jesus Christ

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc.

So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in Heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

Lipstick in School (You've got to love this principal)

According to a news report, a certain private school in Brisbane was
recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.... and then there are educators

Funny Towels


An Australian, a Jew, and an Abo

Three men - an Australian, a Jew, and an Abo - are crossing the road, when a bus runs them all over, killing them instantly.
They appear before Saint Peter, who prepares to let them into Heaven.
The three plead and beg to be allowed to go back, as they're only young and haven't led full lives.
Eventually, Saint Peter relents and lets them go back to earth - on the one condition that they each pay him $500.
The Aussie pays his $500 straight away, and BANG!!, he's back in the same street he had just left.
Immediately, he goes into the nearest pub, and tells all of his mates his amazing story.
Of course, they don't believe him.
"So," asks one mate, "if all this is true, then where's the Jew and the Abo?".
"Well," says the Aussie, "when I left them, the Jew had him down to $100, and the Abo was arguing that the government should pay for it".

Best job in the world


Whats That

CAN YOU TELL WHAT IS BEHIND THEM

Reading - Only one of them knows it

WATCH THE BOOK WITH GEORGE BUSH

An actuary and a farmer

An actuary and a farmer were traveling by train. When they passed a flock of sheep in a meadow, the actuary said, "There are 1248 sheep out there."

The farmer replied, "Amazing. By chance, I know the owner, and the figure is absolutely correct. How did you count them so quickly?"

The actuary answered, "Easy, I just counted the number of legs and divided by four."

The Laws of Golf

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up" or else invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

That's it

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.

The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”

Blonde Cowboy

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks: "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff.... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motorhome with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ... so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to downtown cowboy ..'. And here I am."

Two blonde playing golf

Two young blonde women were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one ball about three feet from the cup, while the other ball somehow had gone directly in.

The blondes tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the clubhouse and asked the golf pro for a ruling.

After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions the pro asked, "Okay, so who was playing the yellow ball?"

A lady picked up daddy's phone

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit;
she instructed her son - to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to daddy who is at site.
After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that it was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.
She waited impatiently for her husband to return from site, immediately she sighted him, she gave him a very hot slap, while the man was trying to ask why?
She repeated the slap, people from neighborhood rushed around to know the cause of this.
The man asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called,
junior said "the number u are Trying To call is not reachable...!!!!!!!!

Not worth celebrating

The couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.
"Elliot," she said, pointing "do you see that man downing bourbon at the bar?"
The husband looked over and nodded.
"Well," the woman continued, "he's been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!"
The husband returned to his meal. "Nonsense," he said, "even that's not worth so much celebrating!"

Husband describing his wife?

Wife asked her husband to describe her.
He said, 'You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K'.

She said, 'What does that mean?

He said:- Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fantastic,
Gorgeous, Humorous.

She said, Oh that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?
He said I'm Just Kidding....

Origin of Mad Cow Disease - The Irish Way

A TV INTERVIEW WHICH WAS NEVER AIRED IN IRELAND ....

You know there are so many TV channels, each starved for new programs. In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter....

The interview was as follows: .....

*The lady reporter*: "I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease.. Can you offer any reason for this disease ? "

*The farmer* stared at the reporter and said: .............. "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year ? "

*Reporter* (obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information…but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"

*Farmer*: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day ? "

*Reporter*: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point ? "

*Farmer*: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day.... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad ? "

The program was never aired…..

I need a Man

Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in s*x anymore.
Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"

"Look, I can't prescribe..."

"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I'm desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills."Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."

"I don't know, doc. She's awfully cold."

"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

"Um... okay."

He thanks the doc and heads for home where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. In fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee.He thinks for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful.

Then an inspiration strikes... he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look enters her eyes. In a near-whisper and in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I need a man..."

His eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me too!"

Three Nuns

There are three nuns and a Mother Superior. The Mother Superior tells the three nuns that before they can receive their Saint name they had one final test. She told them to go commit one sin so that they would not have urges to be bad.
After the three nuns return, the Mother Superior says, "Did you commit your sins?" They all shake their heads yes. The first two nuns are crying, the third is giggling.
The Mother Superior says to the first one, "What sin did you commit child?"
The first nun answers with tears in her eyes. "I was just rotten, I picked flowers from someone's garden."
The Mother Superior says, "Go drink the Holy Water and it will be alright." The third nun is dancing around in laughter.
The Mother Superior asks the second one. Her whole body is shaking and she is crying. "I stole candy from a baby."
The Mother Superior says, "My child, drink the Holy Water and you are forgiven.
The third nun falls on the floor hysterically laughing. The Mother Superior is disgusted and asks, "What are you laughing at?"
The third nun is barely able to answer through her tears of laughter, "I peed in the Holy Water."

Desert camping and riding trip

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.
Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.
"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday.
Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"
I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie.
She took my hand and took me to our bedroom.
The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over.
She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes!
She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did.
And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."
So here I am.

Soup of the day in Ireland


Ear Problem

A rather senile old lady went to her doctor complaining of draining and a feeling of fullness in her ear. After the
examination, the doctor initiated a conversation that went as follows:

D: Why madam, I think you have a suppository in your ear.
L: ?eh?
D: Madam - You have a SUPPOSITORY in your EAR!
L: ??EH??
D: (shouting) --IN YOUR EAR! -- A SUPPOSITORY!!!
L: Oh, thank Goodness - now I know where I put my hearing aid....

7 degrees of Blonde...!!

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'

The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know If the coast is clear.'

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street.
One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'

So, the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'

The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, .... I know 'em all.'

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'

The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy. It's W.'

FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware ...'

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen.
I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

Nadine and Jill

Nadine and Jill were talking about their sex lives and Nadine said that her new boyfriend always wants to perform cunnilingus, all the time.

"Wow," said Jill, "You are really lucky, but if you want to prevent him from doing that, just rub a little garlic down there."

Nadine said, "I tried that already, and the next night he came to bed with some bread, olive oil, and a head of lettuce."

It could last you forever

A guy worked for 30 years at the same factory. He got off work at 3:30, and was home by 3:45 every day of his life. On Fridays, he came home and gave his wife his check.

One Friday he was walking towards his car, and one of his co-workers asked if he wanted to go out for a beer. He'd never been asked before, so he said, "Sure, why not?"

One beer lead to another and that led to his first wild night out with the boys. Finally about 3:00 am he comes staggering through the door. His wife is waiting for him and asks, "Where have you been?"

"Well," he said, "I went out with the boys for a few beers."

"You did, did you?" his wife fumed, "Well, just how much money did you spend?"

"As a matter of fact, I spent about $100.00," he said.

"$100?? Do you know how long that would last me?" the wife yelled.

"Well, " he said, "you don't drink, you don't smoke and you've got your own p*ssy... I guess it could last you forever."

I'm a white boy

A young black boy goes into the kitchen where his mother is baking.
He puts his hands in the flour and coats his face with it.
He looks at his mother and says "Look Momma, I'm a white boy."
His mother slaps him hard on the face and says "Boy, go show your Daddy."
The boy goes into the living room and says "Look Daddy, I'm a white boy."
His Daddy slaps him on the face, too and says, "Boy, go show your grandmother."
So the boy goes to see his grandma and says "Look Granny, I'm a white boy."
She slaps him on the face and sends him back to his mother.
His mother says "Well, did you learn something from all this?"
The boy shakes his head and says "I sure nuff did, I've only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people".

Best Ass

A pastor wanted to raise money for his church, and on being told that there was a fortune to be made in horses decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. At the local auction, however, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.

He figured since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise the donkey came in third. The next day the local paper carried this headline: "Pastor's Ass Shows."

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won! The local paper read: "Pastor's Ass Out Front."

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper read: "Bishop Scratches Pastor's Ass".

The bishop was fit to be tied! He ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing the news, posted this headline the next day: "Nun Has Best Ass in Town."

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day, the paper read: "Nun Sells Ass For $10.00."

After the bishop was revived, he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: "Nun Announces Her Ass Is Wild and Free".

The bishop was buried the next day.

Strange Foreign Mistranslations into English

Here are some interesting mistranslations:

In a Belgrade elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

A doctor's office in Rome:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here & spend the afternoon having a good time.

On a menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beer soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

A Finnish hotel's instructions in case of fire:
If you are unable to leave your room, expose yourself in the window.

Ad for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride your own ass?

In a Czech tourist agency:
Take one of our horse driven tours---we guarantee no miscarriages.

Car rental brochure in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

A temple in Bangkok:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed like a man.

In a Bangkok cleaners:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

In a hotel in Yugoslavia:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

Prepared spiritually

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"

"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming with plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our friends."

"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"

"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey

Young blonde student nurse

A man is lying in bed in the ICU with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young blonde student nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young girl replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."

He struggles again to ask,"Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Finally she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a closer look and says,"They look very good to me," after giving then her expert blonde scrutiny.

Finally the mans pulls off his oxygen mask and replies,
"That was very nice but, I asked ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?"

Brain-Men and Women

Women - Multiple process
Women's brains are designed to concentrate multiple tasks at a time.
Women can watch a TV and talk over phone and cook the new recipe.

Men - Single Process
Men's brains are designed to concentrate only one work at a time. Men cannot watch TV and talk over phone at the same time. He stops watching TV while talking. He can either watch TV or talk over phone or cook.

Language
Women can easily learn many languages. But cannot find solutions to problems. Men cannot easily learn languages; they can easily solve the problems.
The vocabulary of a 3 year old girl is three times higher than that of a 3 year old boy.

Analytical Skill
Men's brain has a lot of space for handling the analytical process. So he can easily analyses and find the solution for a process.
He can design (blue print) a map of a building easily.
If a complex map is viewed by a woman, she cannot understand it. She cannot understand the details of the map easily.
For her it’s dump of lines in a paper.

Car Driving
While driving a car, men's analytical spaces are used in his brain. He can drive a car fast. If he sees an object at a long distance, immediately his brain classifies the object (bus or van or car) direction and speed of the object and driving accordingly. Where as women take a long time to recognize the object, direction/ speed. His single process mind stops the audio in the car (if any), then concentrating only on the driving.
You can often watch, while men drive the car fast, the women sitting next to him will shout, "GO SLOW" , "CAREFUL", "AAHHH", "OHH GOD.."..etc.

Lie
Many times, when men lie to women face to face, they get caught easily.
Her super-natural brain observes the facial expression 70%, and the body language 20% and the words from the mouth 10%. So he is easily caught while lying.
Men's brain does not have this.
Women easily lie to men face to face.
So guys, while lying to your girls, use phone, or letter or close all the lights or cover your/her face with blanket.
Don't lie face to face.

Problem
End of the day, if men have lot of problems, his brain clearly classifies the problems, and he puts it into individual rooms of brain, and finds solution one by one. You can see many guys looking at the sky for a long time. If you disturb him, he gets irritated.
End of the Day, if women have lot of problems, her brain cannot classify the problems. She wants someone to hear that. After telling everything to a person she goes happily to bed. She does not worry whether the problem is solved or not.

Wants
Men want status, success, solutions, big process... etc Women want relationship, friends, family...etc. ..

Unhappiness
If women are unhappy with their relations, she cannot concentrate on work.
If men are unhappy with their work, he cannot concentrate on the relations.

Map
Men can easily locate the place in a complex map. His analytical brain does this. While watching a cricket match in a stadium with full of crowd, men can leave his seat and goes for tea and keeps everything in his mind and comes back to his seat with any problem. He uses his analytical space of brain.
Women can't do this. They often lose their way to their seat.

Life
Life is very easy for Men. One good job and alcohol is enough for them.
Women want everything in life.

Speech
Women use indirect languages in speech.
Sonia asked Sanjay, "Sanjay do you like to have a cup of coffee?"
This means, Sonia really wants a cup of coffee.
Men use direct language. "Sonia, I want to have a cup of coffee, Pls stop the car when you see a coffee shop".
In the morning...." Darling, Can you please prepare an omelet for breakfast".

Handling Emotion
Women talk a lot without thinking, if they are emotional.
Men act a lot with out thinking. That's why many of the prisoners all over the world are men.