Condoms with pesticides

A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the pharmacist, "I want me one of them condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I find'em?"

The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're on aisle 4."

"No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it," growled the farmer.

"Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, "PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I'm sure that youmean spermicide instead of pesticide."

"Listen here," argued the farmer, "I want condoms with PESTICIDE on it, my wife's got a bug up her arse, and I aim to kill it."

What’s the trick?

The Special Israeli army unit was crossing the desert and most of the men were on camels. Lt. Shalom had a very stubborn camel, and finally it stopped dead in its tracks and refused to move another step. The rest of the unit moved on, leaving Shalom along with his mulish camel.
Shalom sat on the camel for three hours. He kicked the camel. He pleaded with it and shouted curses, but the camel would not budge.
He dismounted and was standing disconsolately at its side when a woman soldier drove up in a jeep and asked him if he needed help. Lt. Shalom explained to her that the camel wouldn’t budge.
“Oh, I can fix that,” she said jumping out of her jeep. She reached down and put her hand under the camel’s belly. The camel jumped up and down, and then took off at the rate of half a mile a minute.
Lt. Shalom was astounded. “Ma’am, what did you do? What’s the trick?”
“Its simple, Lieutenant. I just tickled his privates.”
“Well, miss, you’d better tickle mine too, because I’ve got to catch that camel!”

Lady Gaga Doll

A veterinarian

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet. I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."

Women Remote Control - Every Man's Desire


Get Out of My Head

What kind of tattoo did you get?

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred Dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Laws on Girls

  • If u think a girl is beautiful, she'll always have a boyfriend to confirm that
  • The nicer she is...the quicker u will be dumped!!!!!
  • The more the makeup, worse the looks...
  • "99% of the girls in this world are beautiful. Remaining 1% would always be in your company."............ .....100% true
  • The guy standing next to a beautiful girl can never be her brother.
  • If by any chance the girl you like, likes you too, she will let you know in about 10 years from now, when you are committed...
  • The more you ignore a girl, the more she'll want to be friends with you.
  • Theory of relativity.. .... 
    • more u run towards a hot chick....the more she goes away from u...
  • Rule 1: Even if you got her out alone... just when you are about to let her know about your feelings...she will spot a long lost friend (I guess from Kumbh ka Mela)
    • Corollary to rule 1: The more desperate you are to tell your feelings to a girl on a private chat, the more probability the long lost friend she discovered is a handsome superman, who beats you in everything 9:1
    • Axiom 1: The more dedicated you are to the girl, the longer it takes before things work out, but ultimately it will (some smile for the guys)
  • The day the chick you really like comes and speaks to you will be the day when-
    • You are dressed badly
    • You forgot to brush your teeth for the first time in your life
    • Have a bad hair day
  • All the good girls are either nuns or married .the rest go around with u and ruin Ur money, health and leave u a total wreck.
  • The more seriously u like a girl...the more seriously her dad will hate u
  • The love you shower a girl with is directly proportional to the number of bullets her dad will be showering at you.

Seven Ages of the Married Cold

  • 1st year -- The husband says, "Oh, sweetie pie, I'm really worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There's no telling what that could turn into with all the strep that's been going around. I'm going to take you right down to the hospital and have you admitted for a couple days of rest. I know the food is lousy there, so I'm going to bring you some takeout from China Garden. I've already arranged it with the head nurse."

  • 2nd year -- "Listen, honey, I don't like the sound of that cough. I called the doc and he's going to stop by here and take a look at you. Why don't you just go on to bed and get the rest you need?"

  • 3rd year -- "Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy you need the rest. I'll bring you something--do we have any canned soup around here?"

  • 4th year -- "No sense wearing yourself out when you're under the weather. When you finish those dishes and the kids' baths and get them to bed, you ought to go to bed yourself!"

  • 5th year -- "Why don't you take a couple aspirin?"

  • 6th year -- "You ought to go gargle or something, instead of sitting around barking like a dog!"

  • 7th year -- "For Pete's sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying to give me pneumonia? You'd better pick up some tissues while you're at the store."

Try those on

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her.

He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never blo*dy will if you don't change your attitude."

Married Again

Jim: Joe, I hear you just got married again.
Joe: Yes, for the fourth time.
Jim: What happened to your first three wives?
Joe: They all died, Jim.
Jim: How did that happen?
Joe: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.
Jim: How terrible! And your second?
Joe: She ate poison mushrooms.
Jim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too?
Joe: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.
Jim: I see, an accident.
Joe: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.

A Blonde and Thermos

A blonde was shopping at Target & came across a shiny silver Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took It to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'
'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she Bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?
'Why, that's a thermos.... It keeps hot things hot & cold things Cold,' she replied..
Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
The blond replied...... 'Two popsicles & some coffee.'

Dying Preacher

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his doctor and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom.

As they entered the room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit, one on each side of his bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both the doctor and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments.

They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed,  covetousness and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the doctor said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves and that's how I want to go."

Sperm Bank

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.
She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!"
"I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.
So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.
The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!"
She looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???"
"DO IT!"
So the nurse sucks it back.
"That one there, drink that one as well.",
So the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."


This is fun. I promise you WILL laugh when you find your role Model.
NO CHEATING. I was really surprised to find out who my role Model was.
It's CRAZY how accurate this is! No peeking!
  1. Pick your favorite number between 1-9
  2. Multiply by 3 then
  3. Add 3
  4. Then again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the calculator....)
  5. You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number...
  6. Add the digits together

Now Scroll down
With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:
  1. Einstein
  2. Oprah Winfrey
  3. George Bush
  4. Bill Clinton
  5. Bill Gates
  6. Gandhi
  7. Barack Obama
  8. Babe Ruth
  10. John F. Kennedy
  11. Mother Theresa

I know, I know.... I just have that effect on people.

Black Bras

An Arab goes to a Jew to buy black bras.

The Jew, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Arab buys six.

He returns a few days later and orders another dozen.....

The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.

The Arab returns a month later and buys the Jew’s remaining stock for $75.00 each.

The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black bras and asks the Arab what he does with all these bras.

The Arab answers : ‘I cut them in half and sell the halves to the Jews for $100.00 each.

Guess Who?

Tribal Experiment

A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around the penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you've grown to 12 inches??"

"'s turned black."

I take salts

Bloke is drinking at a pub and after a few rounds goes to leave, explaining to the barman he has to go home to do a shit. "Don't be stupid," says the barman, "We've got a perfectly good toilet here!"

"Yes," explains the drinker, "but I take salts."

"So what??!! That doesn't matter - you can still use the toilet here!"

The drinker reluctantly agrees and heads for the toilet. After a few moments there is loud banging and the bloke emerges, followed by a foul smell. The barman races into the toilet where he sees crap all over the ceiling and walls. He races back into the bar.

"What the hell went on in there?!" he demands.

"I told you," explained the drinker.

"No, you said that you take salts!" yelled the barman.

"That's right," the drinker shrugs, "somersaults."

Sucide Bombers Training

Commonly used office Phrases and what they mean

1. For your information, please. (FYI)
Meaning: I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it.

2. Noted and returned.
Meaning: I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it little while.

3. Review and comment.
Meaning: Do the dirty work so that I can forward it.

4. Action please.
Meaning: Get yourself involved for me. Don't worry, I'll claim the credit.

5. For your necessary action.
Meaning: It's your headache now.

6. Copy to.
Meaning: Here's a share of my headache.

7. For your approval, please.
Meaning: Put your neck on the chopping board for me please.

8. Action is being taken.
Meaning: Your correspondence is lost and I am trying to locate it.

9. Your letter is receiving our attention.
Meaning: I am trying to figure out what you want.

10. Please discuss.
Meaning: I don't know what the hell this is, so please brief me.

11. For your immediate action.
Meaning: Do it NOW! Or I will get into serious trouble.

12. Please reply soon.
Meaning: Please be efficient. It makes me look inefficient.

13. We are investigating/ processing your request with the relevant authorities.
Meaning: They are causing the delay, not us.

14. Regards.
Meaning: Thanks and bless you for reading all the crap.

What should Ido?

This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour."

"Perfect," she replies.

The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but nowife?

She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks.

The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"

"Yes" the man replied.

"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.

The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."

Evolution of Internet

*In ancient Israel,it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com
...did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.*

*And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. *

*And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"*

*And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said: "How,dear?" *

*And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale,and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. *

*And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."*

*Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. *

*And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. *

*To prevent neighboring countries from over hearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. *

*It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People(HTTP)*

*But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham's business. *

*But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted for insider trading. *

*And the young did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.*

*And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. *

*And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.*

*And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."*

*And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel,or eBay as it came to be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."*

*And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." *

*"YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.*

*Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. *

*It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE)*

* *

*And that is how it all began……...

I shot the cat

A lady is baking a cake...she needs eggs....she goes into the cupboard and gets the eggs. She then accidentally knocks over a container of bee-bee pellets.

The bee-bee pellets fall into the cake mix. She completely ignores it...pours the mix into the cooking pan, puts it into the oven...lets it cook. An hour later, she takes it out...and decorates it.

After the cake cooled, it was time for the kids to eat the cake. One of the kids asked, "Mommy, what are these little things in the cake?". The mom says, "They're just little candies, just eat them." So the kids devour the cake.

Hours later, the first kid comes down all frantic, saying "Mommy, I just went to the bathroom and bee-bee pellets came out.". The mom said, "Not to worry, they'll be out of you." The next kid comes downstairs and she said "Mommy, I went to the bathroom and bee-bees came out." The mom said, "Don't worry...they'll be out of you too." The 3rd kid comes the son...and he said "Mom!" The mother quickly asked, "What went to the bathroom and bee-bees came out?". The son said, "No mom, I was jerking off and I shot the cat!".

Did I forget my line

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines.
After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line.
You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he’s practicing his line over and over again.
Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"
"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

I made her scream for two long hours

Indians are Indian An Italian, a Frenchman and an Indian were drinking at a bar, discussing what they had done the previous evening.

The Italian says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream nonstop for five minutes."

The Frenchman says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special aphrodisiac oil, then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."

The Indian says: "That's nothing. Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with Amul butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two hours, phenomenal!"

What did you do to make her scream for two hours??

Indian: I wiped my hands on the curtains

Co-Pilot Checklist

Camel Toe Practical Applications

Crunchy Bird

"Hey, bartender," says a customer, sitting at the bar. "What kind of bird is that sitting on the perch?"

"Oh," says Bob the bartender, "that's a Crunchy Bird!"

"I never heard of a Crunchy Bird," says the patron.

"Just watch," says Bob. He takes a newspaper off the bar and throws it down on the floor, then he turns to the bird and says, "Crunchy Bird, my paper!" The bird swoops down and attacks the newspaper. He rips it to shreds until there's nothing left but tiny pieces of confetti.

"Wow," says the customer, "can I try?"

"Be my guest," the bartender replies.

The customer takes off his shoe and puts it on the bar and says, "Crunchy Bird, my shoe!" The bird flies down off the perch and picks the shoe up with his beak. He slams the shoe down on the bar and starts attacking it. In no time, the shoe is reduced to nothing but behind the bar.

Suddenly a tough looking guy walks into the bar. He yells, "Gimme a drink NOW!"

He looks around the bar snarling and yells at the patrons, "What the Hell are you clowns looking at?" The bar is completely silent.

Then the bully notices the bird and says, "What the Hell kind of stupid looking bird is that?"

"That's a Crunchy Bird," says bartender Bob.

The tough guy laughs and yells, "Crunchy Bird, my a*s!"

EIGHT Types of orgasm for a woman

There Are At Least EIGHT Types of orgasm for a woman:

1. The Optimist - Oh Yes, Oh Yes, Oh Yes....

2. The Pessimist - Oh No, Oh No, Oh No....

3. The Confused - Oh Yes, Oh No, Oh Yes, Oh No....

4. The Traveler - Ahh, I'm coming, I'm coming....

5. The Religious - Oh God, Oh God....

6. The Userer - Ahh, More, More, More....

7. The Murderer - Ahh, If you take it out, I'll kill you....

8. The Submariner - Mmm... OHHH... Deeper... Deeper... GO DEEPER!....

Oh my God

A prostitute on her period decides to catch a client anyway. She thinks to herself: "I'll find some drunk. He won't even notice anything."

She goes to the bar, finds a really drunk guy there, takes him to the nearest hotel and they spend the night together.

The guy wakes up the next morning (the prostitute is already gone by then) and as he starts to get out of bed he sees that his hands are covered in blood. He starts running around the room, saying to himself in panic: "Oh my God! I killed her! I killed her!!!..."

As he runs to the bathroom he passes the mirror, stops, looks at himself for a second and then screams: "Oh my God!!! And I ate her too!!!"

Miss Airport 2011 Calendar

Miss Airport 2011 - January

Miss Airport 2011
- February

Miss Airport 2011
- March

Miss Airport 2011
- April

Miss Airport 2011
- May

Miss Airport 2011
- June

Miss Airport 2011
- July

Miss Airport 2011
- August

Miss Airport 2011
- September

Miss Airport 2011
- October

Miss Airport 2011
- November

Miss Airport 2011
- December

That's okay

A guy down on his luck, was reduced to catching the bus. One day a beautiful young nun boarded the bus and sat down in front of him. She was such a babe he kept leaning forward to perve on her. Finally, he could control himself no longer. Leaning forward, he whispered quietly in her ear, "I'd like to screw you up the arse." With a gasp of shock the nun jumped to her feet, rang the bell and got off the bus.

A couple of stops later, the bloke was getting off when the driver said, "Hey, what did you say to that nun?"

"Well, to be honest," said the guy, "she looked so damn good I said I'd like to screw her up the arse."

"Sh*t, no wonder she got off. She's very religious and you shoulda asked her in a more devout way. As a matter of fact, she goes through the park down the road every night at about 7.30. Why don't you go there and try a different approach.

The guy had long hair and a beard, so he got himself a robe and waited in the park for her to come by.

Sure enough, around 7.30, the nun appeared on her way to the convent. Leaping out of the bushes, the guy shouted, "Hey nun, I'm Jesus, come to screw you up the arse!"

"No worries, Jesus," said the nun and she bent over and hoisted up her habit.

After the guy had done the deed, remorse set in and he said rather sheepishly, "I'm not really Jesus."

"That's okay," came the reply. "I'm not really the nun. I'm the bus driver."

Make love almost every night

A 70-year-old man has never been married.
One day he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight.
They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon.
When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?"
"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we--"
His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"
"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."

An Indian goes to Hell

An Indian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell , the Russian hell and many more.
He finds that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks, "What do they do here?"

He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?

"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work,
someone has stolen all the nails from the bed,
And the devil is a former Government servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen..."

Balle Balle - Another Collection of Sardarji Jokes

Titanic was sinking.
An Englishman asked Santa, "How far is land"?
Santa: 2 KMs.
Englishman jumped into sea.
Englishman: Now, which direction?
Santa: Downwards!


Santa travelling 1'st time in plane going 2 mumbai.While its landing, he shouted 'Bombay...Bombay'.
Airhostess said "B silent"...Santa said "OK"...Ombay Ombay


"Santa: My dad was an extremely brave man. He once entered a lion's cage.
Banta: He probably got a lot of applause when he got out.
Santa: I didn't say he got out


Bhola Singh brags to his friends, "You know in Dubai everything is free, Taxi, Hotel, Drinks, Shows, so far as even Sex is free.
The friend asked, "Yes, when did you go to Dubai?"
Bhola explained, "Not me Pal, My wife went there."


A Sardar decides to kill his unfaithful wife and himself. He put the gun on his own forehead and told his wife while pulling the trigger,
"Don't feel so glad about this, next it’s your turn!!!!"


Dr. Manish, a psychotherapist, employed a sardar painter to paint his name plate. He instructed the sardar to give ample space between the words, and left for his clinic.
On his return in the evening, he was astonished at the sight of the name plate that was hung to his gate. It read,
Dr. Manish
Psycho The Rapist


Sardars Hari Singh and Gani Singh got fed up with the Indian Govt and decided to blow up the parliament. They took 2 bombs, put them in a suitcase in the front seat of their car and set off.
Hari Singh asks "What happens if the bombs blast off now".
Gani Singh says "Don't worry. I have a spare bomb in the back seat"


Santa used to work in a saw-mill. He was in hospital after he lost his arm in an accident. Banta was visiting him in the hospital.
Banta: "It was really bad that you lost your hand. However thank to God that it was your left hand, since you are right handed."
Santa: "It is also because of my quick thinking. Actually it was the right hand which was going to be caught in the machine. Then I realised that I am right handed and so switched hands just in time!

Most dangerous food

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford...
"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it... Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it ?"
(scroll down)

After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row
raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

15 Pieces of Advice for Woman

  1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.
  2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
  3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
  4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
  5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
  6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
  7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
  8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
  9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
  10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
  11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
  12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
  13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.
  14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes; it means that you laugh at his.
  15. Sadly, all men are created equal!

Husband Day Care Center

Room with a view

Look Again

Special Pig

Farmers Brown and McDonald were sitting on Farmer McDonald's porch discussing plowing technique when Farmer Brown notices a pig with a wooden leg hobbling across the front yard. He turned to his friend and asks, "Say, Henry, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"

"Well, John, that pig...," his eyes mist up, "That pig's a mighty special pig! A few weeks back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin', went after that boar and fought him off. Saved my life!"

"And the boar tore up his leg?" "No, just got a few scratches, nothing serious. But that night the barn caught fire. That ol' pig started squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!"

"So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Henry?" "No, John, the next day my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond. I got knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out."

"...but that's not how he hurt his leg." "Oh no, no, he was fine. Cleaned him up real nice, too."

"Okay, Henry. So just tell me. How did he lose his leg?"

"Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig that good, you don't want to eat all at once."

Single Man

Who was THAT woman

The newlyweds arrived at the front desk of the posh ocean-side resort in Hilton Head, South Carolina, looking all fresh, and eager to enjoy their two week vacation/honeymoon.
The stunning blonde at the front desk smiled and said, "Well, hi Jimmy, how ya been lover ? Long time no see."
A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room.
Once inside, the piqued bride demanded: "And just who was THAT woman ?!?!?"
The groom wiped his brow and said, "Just relax honey. Please ! I'm going to have enuff trouble explaining you to her."

Farewell Letter

Dear Co-Workers,
As many of you probably know, today is my last day. But before I leave, I wanted to take this opportunity to let you know what a great and distinct pleasure it has been to type “Today is my last day.”

For nearly as long as I`ve worked here, I`ve hoped that I might one day leave this company. And now that this dream has become a reality, please know that I could not have reached this goal without your unending lack of support. Words cannot express my gratitude for the words of gratitude you did not express.

I would especially like to thank all of my managers: in an age where miscommunication is all too common, you consistently impressed and inspired me with the sheer magnitude of your misinformation. It takes a strong man to admit his mistake – it takes a stronger man to attribute his mistake to me.

Over the past three years, you have taught me more than I could ever ask for and, in most cases, ever did ask for. I have been fortunate enough to work with some absolutely interchangeable supervisors on a wide variety of seemingly identical projects – an invaluable lesson in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium.

Your demands were high and your patience short, but I take great solace knowing that my work was, as stated on my annual review, “mostly satisfactory.” That is the type of praise that sends a man home happy after even a 10 hour day, smiling his way through half a bottle of mostly satisfactory scotch.

And to most of my peers: even though we barely acknowledged each other within these office walls, I hope that in the future, should we pass on the street, you will regard me the same way as I regard you: sans eye contact.

But to those few souls with whom I`ve actually interacted, here are my personalized notes of farewell:
To Rudy: I will always remember sharing lunch with you, despite having clearly labeled it with my name.
To Steven: I will miss detecting your flatulence as much as you will clearly miss walking past my cubicle to deliver it.
To Eileen: Best wishes on your ongoing campaign to popularize these “email forwards.” I sincerely hope you receive that weekend full of good luck, that hug from an old friend, and that baby for your dusty womb.
To Felix: I left a new wristwatch on your desk. It is so that you might be able to still tell time even without your hourly phone call to let me know the copier is jammed. (Call Steven – he`ll come by.)
And finally, to Kat: you were right – I tested positive. We`ll talk later.

So, in parting, if I could pass on any word of advice to the individual who will soon be filling my position, it would be to cherish this experience like a sponge and soak it up like a good woman, because a job opportunity like this comes along only once in a lifetime.

Meaning: if I had to work here again in this lifetime, I would sooner kill myself.

Very truly yours,

Sardar Jokes Collection

Sardaron ko 2 bomb mile,
1st Sardar: chal police ko de k aate hain.
2 sardar: agar koi bomb raaste me phat gaya to?
1st sardar: jhoot bol denge ki 1 hi mila tha

Sardar 2 doctr: Mujhe 1 problem hai
DR: Kya?
Sardar: Baat karte waqt aadmi dikhai nahi deta
Dr: aisa kab hota hai?
Sardar: Phone karte waqt

Man: Sardar jee aap ko garmi lagti hai to kya karte ho?
Sardar: AC k paas ja k baith jata hun
Man: Agar phir bhi garmi lage to?
Sardar: To A/C on kar leta hun

A sardar prays daily for 2 hours,
"He Vahe Guru meri lottery lagade."
After 11 years Vahe Guru angrily appeared & said,"Khoti de puttar 1 vari ticket to le le"

Ek sardar ki chatri me hole tha, kisine pucha, umbrella me hole kyun?
Sardar bola, Oye barish ruk jayegi to pata kaise chalega :P

Hitler says,
"There is no word like IMPOSSIBLE in my dictionary"
Sardar says: Ab bolne se kya faayda? "Jub kharidi thi tab hi check karna tha na"

Sardar: Yar mujhe 1 hathora or keel chahiye computer k lye.
Sales man: Magar computer me inka kya kaam?
Sardar: Oye yaar mujhe computer me windows lagani hai.

1st sardar: oye agar neend na aaye to kya kia jaaye?
2nd Sardar: Neend ka intizar karne se achha hai ki banda soo hi jaye

1 sardar rail ki patri per so gaya.
1 aadmi ne kaha kya kar rahe ho? Train aayegi to mar jaoge!
Sardar: Mere uper se jahaaz guzar gaya to kuch nahi hua, train kya cheez hai?

Police: Tumhe kal subah 5 baje phaasi di jayegi.
Sardar: Ha Ha Ha Ha!
Police: Kyon hasn rahe ho?
Sardar: Main to uthta hi subha 9 baje hun.

In bio practical:
Examiner: Tell me the name of this bird by seeing its legs only?
Sardar: I don't know.
Examiner: You r failed, what's your name?
Sardar: See my legs & tell my name


  • President Sonia Gandhi and Prime Minister Priyanka Gandhi receive Italian Prime Minister Rahul Gandhi.
  • Dhoom 17 ready for release.
  • I will play next world cup - Sachin Tendulkar
  • Salman, Vivek and Abhishek attend Aishwarya's 3rd marriage.
  • Mein To Ab Bhi Jawan Hoon - Dev Anand's new movie set for release where he plays son of Aamir Khan and Madhuri Dixit.
  • After remakes of 45 films of Amitabh, Shahrukh now to play Amitabh's role in remake of 'Jhoom Barabar Jhoom' .
  • Petrol Rs. 999/= per ltr.
  • Kyunki saas bhi kabhi bahu thi completed 2,50,000 episodes and Baa has completed 400yrs.
  • Coach Ganguly resigns, as India went out of The World Cup in 1st round after losing to Korea.
  • Navjot Siddhu will launch his own TV channel where he is the Host & the Guest too..
  • Riots in the Parliament as the newly elected MPs Mallika Sheravat and Rakhi Sawant enter the assembly.
  • Maruti launches its new Hovercraft 'SX-25'. Honda, Toyota and Tata to follow.
  • A cap found in Mithi river - Sources say it belonged to a species called Himesh Reshammiya....

It's not my table

A waitress became violently ill while at work and was rushed by ambulance to the emergency room. In typical hospital fashion, she was placed on an examining table and then all but ignored for the next half-hour.

Finally, she noticed a doctor out in the hall and yelled, "Please help me!"

"Sorry," he replied, "it's not my table."

Facebook Gender Discrimination

Facebook Gender Discrimination

20 types of men you may meet in men's urinal

  1. EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips his shorts.
  2. SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to go or not.
  3. CROSSEYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is hung.
  4. TIMID: Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal and comes back later.
  5. INDIFFERENT: All urinals being in use, he pisses in the sink.
  6. CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on the floor.
  7. WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes a quick inspection.
  8. FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.
  9. ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out his tie, pisses in his pants.
  10. CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
  11. SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows the man in the next stall will get blamed.
  12. PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.
  13. DESPERATE: Waits in a long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
  14. TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.
  15. EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, and then does both.
  16. FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses on shoes.
  17. LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
  18. DRUNK: Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
  19. DISGRUNTED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
  20. CONCEITED: Holds two inch dick like a baseball bat.

Drunk Fart

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar.

Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.

The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says, "Excuse me, you just farted before my wife."

The drunks replies, " I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."

Men Shopping VS Women Shopping

Policies and Procedures

In this experiment they put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling.

Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable.

Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up.

Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder.

One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious, but, undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder.

All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why. However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.

A second original monkey is removed and replaced.

The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him.

This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he's not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it.

However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new monkey.

One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced, eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder.

All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.


I will marry again

Santa’s wife dies. He is calm, but his wife’s lover is crying furiously…
Finally, Santa consoles him: Don’t worry buddy, I will marry again

I am a better lover than you

A maid asks for a pay rise.

“Why do you deserve one?” asks the lady of the house.

“Well, there are three reasons,” replies the maid, “Firstly, I iron better than you.”

“Who said that you iron better?” asks the lady of the house.

“Your husband said so,” replies the maid. “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”

“Nonsense,” says the lady of the house, “Who said you are a better cook than me?”

“Your husband,” replies the maid. “And the third reason is that I am a better lover than you.”

“Did my husband say that as well?” asks the lady of the house.

“No, the driver did.”

The lady of the house doubled her salary later that day.

A Philosopher, A Mathematician and An Idiot

Three men a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings"

With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.

"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!"

With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.

"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"

The Devil brought forward a chair.

"Drill 7 holes on the seat."

The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.

Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."

"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my a** hole."

And the idiot went to Heaven.

Accident Waiting to Happen

Accident Waiting to Happen

Little Old Lady in Court

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago..

Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard!

Get well quick

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest.

Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn’t told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped very firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn’t come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.

“Get well quick….. from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week.” :)

People with bad luck

With a pile of 300 resumes on his desk and a need to pick someone quickly, my boss told me to make calls on the bottom 50 and toss the rest.

"Throw away 250 resumes?"

I asked, shocked, "What if the best candidates are in there?"

"You have a point," he said. "But then again, I don't need people with bad luck here."

Rough Ride

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation.
Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he's shivering and shaking.
Theother flea asks him, "Why are you shaking so badly?"
The first flea says, "I rode down here from New Jersey on the moustache of this guy on a Harley".
The other flea responds saying, "That's the worst wayto travel, pal.
The next time, try what I do.Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks.
While you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and cosy. It's the coolest wayto travel."
The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter.
A year goes by.

When the first flea shows up in Miami he is shivering and shaking again.
The second flea says, "You obviously didn't trywhat I told you last year?"
"Yes," says the first flea,"I did exactly as you said. I went to theNew Jersey airport bar,had a few drinks and finally, this nice young stewardess came in.
I crawled right up to her warm cosy spot.It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep.

When I woke up,I was back on the moustache of a guy on a Harley.".........


A Mother-in-law decides to see if her three son-in-law's love her or at least appreciate her...

The next day while strolling along the river with her first son-in-law, she lets herself fall into the water and starts to drown.

Without hesitation, the son-in-law jumps in the river and saves his mother-in-law.

The next day, in front of his house, he finds a new car, a City Honda, with a little note on the windshield: Thank-you on behalf of your mother-in-law.

She undertakes the same scenario with her second eldest son-in-law. This one too, dives into the river and saves his mother-in-law. The next day, he too, in front of his house, finds a new car: the same City Honda with a little note on the windshield: Thank-you on behalf of your mother-in-law.

The same scenario occurs with the third son-in-law, she falls in the water and starts to drown. He watches his mother-in-law drown while thinking to himself: I've been waiting a long time for this!

The next day, in front of his house, he sees a brand new Mercedez with a little note on the windshield: Thank-you on behalf of your father-in-law.

I have good news and bad news for you

The doctor at a regional hospital tells his patient, "I have good news and bad news for you. Which would you like to hear first?"

The patient asks for the bad news first. "I have the results of your examination of your injuries to both your feet and we're going to have to amputate right away."

"That's the bad news? How could there be good news?"

"See that man in the lobby? The seedy-looking fellow?"

"Yeah," says the patient. "What about him?"

The doctor looks at the patient with a grin, "He wants to buy your shoes!



Performance Review

Performance Review
You Need Improvement

In Amsterdam


African Gangsta

African Gangsta