Mother of the Bride

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the perfect dress to wear, too, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

But a week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not!" the witch (as Jennifer had come to call the girl who was not even quite as old as she was) said. "I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I will be wearing it to your wedding."

Jennifer told her mother, who graciously said, "Nevermind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

"Of course I do, dear," her mother replied, smiling. "I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."

Fly In The Soup

Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
Um, looks to me to be backstroke, sir...

Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
Yes sir, it's the hot water that kills them.

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Don't worry sir, the spider on the breadroll will get 'em.

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
No sir, that's a cockroach, the fly is on your steak.

Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
What do you expect for $1 - a live one?

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Keep it down sir, or they'll all be wanting one.

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Its OK, Sir, there's no extra charge!

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Force of habit, sir. Our chef used to be a tailor.

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Couldn't be, sir. The cook used them all in the raisin bread.

Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!
I know, but unfortunately we are out of turtle.

Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!
Sorry sir, maybe I've forgotten it when I removed the other three.

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Surely not, sir. It must be one of those vitamin bees you hear so much about.

Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup!
Then we've served you too much soup, the fly should be wading.

Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
It's fly soup sir!

Waiter, waiter, there's a bee in my soup.
Yes Sir, it's the fly's day off.

Rabbit and Snake

One day there was a rabbit and a snake who were both growing old and could not remember what animal they were.

"OK I'll describe you and then see if you can guess what you are." said the snake.

"That's a good idea." said the rabbit.

"You are white, fluffy, and you have big ears and feet." said the snake.

"Oh good, I'm a rabbit! So the rabbit says, "You are long, slim, and have a forked tongue."

"Oh NO, I'm a lawyer!

Italian Boy’s Confession

The Italian Boy’s Confession Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl’. The priest asks, ‘Is that you, little Joey Pagano?’ ‘Yes, Father, it is.’

‘And who was the girl you were with?’
‘I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation’.
“Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Tina Minetti?’
‘I cannot say.’
‘Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?’
‘I’ll never tell.’
‘Was it Nina Capelli?
‘ ‘I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.’
‘Was it Cathy Piriano?’
‘My lips are sealed.’
‘Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?’
‘Please, Father, I cannot tell you.’
The priest sighs in frustration. ‘You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.’
Joey walks back to his pew and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, ‘What’d you get?’
‘Four months vacation and five good leads.’

You're all the same

One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.

As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get outta here."

The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese".

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."

Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."

The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

Online Chatting


New High Sore - Speed Limit


The Perfect Couple

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer...
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The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

Men keep'a scrollin'...
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So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.

Cold Hands

A couple decided to Alaska for a romantic weekend. When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire place.

He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood.

He came in after another 5 minutes and said honey my hands are cold again. So she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood.

5 minutes have passed and he went in again and said, honey my hands are cold again. She then said, Damn don't your ears ever get cold?

Male and Female ATM Procedures

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have been developed.

Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender:

MALE PROCEDURE

  1. Drive up to the cash machine.
  2. Put down your car window.
  3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
  4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
  5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
  6. Put window up.
  7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE
  1. Drive up to cash machine.
  2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
  3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
  4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
  5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
  6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
  7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
  8. Insert card.
  9. Re-insert card the right way.
  10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
  11. Enter PIN.
  12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
  13. Enter amount of cash required.
  14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
  15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
  16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
  17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
  18. Re-check makeup.
  19. Drive forward 2 feet.
  20. Reverse back to cash machine.
  21. Retrieve card.
  22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
  23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
  24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
  25. Redial person on cell phone.
  26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
  27. Release Parking Brake.

Political Postage Stamp

A politician wanted a special postage stamp issued with his picture on it. So, he instructed his people, stressing that it should be of international quality.

The stamps were duly released and he was pleased. But within a few days of release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he became furious.

He called the people responsible and ordered them to investigate the matter. They checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported the problem to the politician.

The report said, "There is nothing wrong with the quality of the stamp. The problem is people are spitting on the wrong side."

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

I was on my way home to Klerksdorp when a woman driving an old Peugeot 505 in front of me brushed a young girl driving a very clean Honda Accord. This young girl got out of the car and started insulting the woman, who was old enough to at least be her mother or Aunt.

All efforts by passers-by to pacify her proved abortive as she said the car was bought by her boyfriend... I just watched and sympathized with the woman. She told the girl she'd fix the car but it was already evening, getting late and she had no money on her unless the girl followed her home if her hubby could help. The girl kept screaming as people tried to beg on behalf of the woman.

The girl blatantly refused and decided to call her boyfriend saying: Baby, a stupid woman just hit my car". The car you bought me. The man appeared in no minute ready to please his girlfriend by raining insult on the woman. On getting there, he started shouting, "Where is the stupid woman that hit your car", only to realise the woman was his wife.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

Cat Matrix


8 things you will never hear a woman say

8. What do you mean today's our anniversary?

7. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.

6. Ohhhhhh, this diamond is wayyyyyyyyy tooooooo big!

5. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends'

4. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?

3. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.

2. I don't care if it's on sale, $300 is way to much for a designer dress.

1. Hey, pull my finger!

St. Peter and the rich guy

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him, "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough,. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carryon bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!?!"

Hot and Cold Sex

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together.

After examining the husband, the doctor said to him: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to discuss with me?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly. "

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh, that crazy old geezer!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually around July and the second time is usually in December!"

Surgery and bill

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open-heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked, 'Do you have health insurance?'
He replied in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.'
The nun asked, 'Do you have money in the bank?'
He replied, 'No money in the bank.'
The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?'
He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.'
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, 'Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns
are married to God.'

The patient replied, 'Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.'

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

  1. People who point at their wrist asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
  2. People who are not willing to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
  3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn Right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
  4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
  5. When people say while watching a film, "did ya see that?" No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor!
  6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
  7. When something is 'new and improved'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
  8. When people say "life is short". What the hell??? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!! What can you do thats longer?
  9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came, would I be standing here???

Good Girl vs Bad Girls

  1. Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better.
  2. Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons..
  3. Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.
  4. Good girls pack their toothbrush. Bad girls pack their diaphragms.
  5. Good girls prefer the missionary position. Bad girls do too, but only for starters.
  6. Good girls say, "No." Bad girls say, "When?"
  7. Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.
  8. Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
  9. Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed.
  10. Good Girls go to Heaven. Bad girls go everywhere.

Traffic Court

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

Parenthood: Changes with Each Baby

Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:

Your Clothes
-1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
-2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
-3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

The Baby's Name
-1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
-2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
-3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.

Preparing for the Birth
-1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
-2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
-3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette
-1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color- coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
-2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
-3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries
-1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
-2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
-3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities
-1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
-2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
-3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out
-1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
-2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
-3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home
-1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
-2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
-3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

UK CLASSIFIED ADS

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. Newspaper:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!


FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel,
1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.


JOINING NUDIST COLONY !
Must sell washer and dryer £100.


WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.


**** And the WINNER is... ****


FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

The More You Look


The American Dream


Facebook


Camouflage


White Cloud

One night a man has a dream that he died and went to heaven. He sat next to another man on a bench and began talking. Before long a beautiful redhead walks by.
"Man, I'd sure like to screw that!"

"This is heaven, just take her behind the white cloud."
His new friend replied.

So he takes her behind the cloud and has the best lay of his life. When he gets back to the bench he begins to tell the man all about it.

Then another hot lady walks by.
"Geez, I'd love to bang that!"

"Fine, just take her behind the white cloud."
He does, and returns back to the bench.

Another ten minutes goes by and another lady walks by.
"Excuse me for a moment, I have to get her!"

"OK, just remember to go behind the white cloud."
He gets back and sets down.

"This is great! But I really have to take a sh*t!"

"Go behind the white cloud" the guy replies.
He gets up and does a number.

"What do I wipe with?"

"Just use some of the white cloud" The man yells back.

Morning comes and the guy walks downstairs where his wife has made him breakfast.

"I had the wildest dream last night!" He says to his wife.

"You're telling me! You f*cked me three times, sh*t on the pillow, and wiped your a*s with the sheets!"

Once a year Vacation

A woman entered the hospital to deliver her 15th child.
"Congratulations," said the nurse, "but don't you think this is enough?"
The woman replied, "Are you kidding? This is the only vacation I get each year."

Collection

A man is stopped in heavy traffic in Los Angeles and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. We're not even moving."

Noticing a police officer walking down the highway between the cars, the man rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me, officer ... what's the holdup?"

"It's and idiot," says the cop. "He's all depressed. He's lying down in the middle of the highway and threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire because he is flat broke. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."

The man says, "A collection, huh? How much have you got so far?"

"So far ... ten gallons."

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
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You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Two Dwarfs

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ..... UGH! Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE... UGH! Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!' .... ALL NIGHT LONG.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 'How did it go?' The first mutters, 'It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection.'

The second dwarf shook his head. 'You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed.

Exactly Same Duties

A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet.

“Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the Army,” the general said. “Nothing to it–you’ll catch on again fast.”

Next morning promptly at eight o’clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general’s bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer’s wife on her bottom and said, “OK, sweetheart, it’s back to the village for you!”

25th anniversary

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago,
the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

Two Russian hunters

Two Russian hunters meet. I shot a gigantic bear yesterday, says Ivan. Look at the hide!

How do you find such huge bears? Sergei asks.

Easy, says Ivan. You stand in front of a cave and whistle. When the bear comes out, you shoot.

Weeks later the two meet again. Sergei is covered in bandages. Didn't you follow my advice? Ivan asks.

Sure I did. I stood, in front of a cave and whistled, Sergei replies.

And what came out?

To me, says Sergei, it looked like the Trans-Siberian Express

Programming - Best Script Ever

Best Script Ever


Chuck Norris Earrings

Chuck Norris Earrings


Private Part

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed and so Nurse Tracy asked him what was wrong.

'Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace, 'My Private Part died today, and so I'm very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes said things that sounded a bit crazy she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences on your loss'

The following day Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pants. He met Nurse Tracy.

'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please, will you put your Private Part back inside your pants?'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part had died.'

'Yes, you did tell me that, but why does it need to be hanging out like that?' she asked.

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

A Kiss and A Slap

A boss, his Assistant, one old woman and her young daughter are traveling in a train and during the course of time get themselves introduced to each other and become temporary friends.

The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel.

The women and the Assistant are sitting there looking perplexed.

The boss is bending over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.

The Old woman is thinking:
These bosses are all crazy after girls. He must have kissed my daughter in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him.

The Young girl is thinking:
The boss must have tried to kiss me but kissed my mother instead and got slapped.

The boss is thinking:
Damn it. My Assistant must have kissed the young girl. She might have thought it was me and slapped me.

The Assistant is thinking:
If this train goes through another tunnel I will make another kissing sound and slap my boss again. The Rascal keeps harassing me in the Office.

Run Over

There is a truck driver driving along, and he stops and picks up a priest to give him a ride.

He’s driving down the highway and he sees a lawyer along the side of the road and things, “Hot damn! A lawyer that I could run over!” So he speeds up and heads straight for him.

At the last second he remembers the priest with him. So he swerves real quick to miss him, but still hears a thump. He looks behind, no sign of the lawyer.

He says to the priest “Wow, that was a close one, I almost hit that lawyer!”

The priest then replies “That’s ok son, I got him with my door.”

First Time

Joe pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Kevin where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Joe recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Kevin.

"Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?".....

"Baaaaaaa.....Baaaaaaa" said Joe.

Neighbor's Dog

A blonde & her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed And her husband says, "The dog is still barking, What have you been doing?"
The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!

Ultimate Aussie Insults

"Mate, she's as rough as a pigs breakfast."

"Your face is like a twisted ugg boot."

"He's got a face like a cat licking sh*t off a thistle."

"She's been hit with the ugly stick too many times."

"She's two pick handles wide."

"An arse like two pigs fighting in a sugar bag."

"As ugly as a bag of spanners."

"You've got a head like a dropped pie."

"Fell out of the ugly tree, and hit every branch on the way down."

"Your the load your mother should have swallowed"

Madonna

Not as hot a she use to be

Pickle Slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'

Hunert miles an hour Goat

Two Tennessee rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says, "I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

Looking around, the first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped head first into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"

First one

The long-awaited day came at last when Mother took us to the station to welcome Father home from the war. My brother Harry, who had been very small when Father went overseas and couldn’t remember what he looked like, was watching everything intently.
As the soldiers left the train, they marched past the roped-off crowds. Father was the first to come by. Mother called to him and he broke ranks to greet us.
We were overjoyed to have Father home again, and everything went smoothly until later in the day when Harry misbehaved and Dad scolded him. Harry glared at him, then turned to Mother and demanded indignantly, “Did you have to pick the first one you saw?”

Strike 2

Strike 2 and out Forever

Screwed

You know you are screwed when you see this sign by your wife on billboard

Hopscotch

JUST ONE MORE WAY TO DIE

Catholics

Alchohol Cures

Once Again

A nun is walking down the street when all of a sudden a mugger grabs the nun and drags her into the bushes and rapes her.
He then says, "Now, what are you going to tell your Mother superior?"

The nun said, "I will tell her that I was walking down the street and you dragged me into the bushes and raped me twice."

The mugger said, "But I only raped you once."

The nun said, "Well you're going to do it again aren't you?"

The Pet Shop

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you have widdle bunny wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts, and he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white bunny wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack bunny wabbit? Or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown bunny over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks back on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't know. I don't think my boa conthricter givths a thit."

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

What are you doing?

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.

When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

'What are you doing?' she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

'What are you doing?' he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

She asked, 'What are you doing?'

He replied, 'Watching the game with my son-in-law.'

Can I take the dog for a walk?

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'

Mom replies 'No, because she is on heat.'

'What does that mean?' asked the child.

'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'

He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent,
and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..

Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'

The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block... so another dog is pushing her home.'

Old Rancher

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty year-old rancher in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant, too."

3 ladies

3 ladies saw a dog screwing another dog badly...

1. Doctor's wife: Wow, they are enjoying life.

2. Lawyer's Wife: No its Rape.

3. Salesman's wife: Looks like he has come back from a long business trip.

Bent It

Two old friends are sitting at the bar drinking when the first one says, "Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands.

By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees, if I tried really hard.

By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty five degrees, no problem.

I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand."

"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"

"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."

Up! Up! Up!

Lovers of the English language might enjoy this: How do non-natives ever learn all the nuances of English?

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers, and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning, but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for a while, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so ...Time to shut UP!

Job Interview for a Signalman

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?”

Tom says: “I would switch one train to another track.”

“What if the lever broke?” asks the inspector.

“Then I’d run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there”, answers Tom.

“What if that had been struck by lightning?” challenges the inspector.

“Then,” Tom continued, “I’d run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.”

“What if the phone was busy?”

“In that case,” Tom argued, “I’d run to the street level and use the public phone near the station”.

“What if that had been vandalized?”

“Oh well,” said Tom, “in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo”.

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, “Why would you do that?”

“Because he’s never seen a train crash.”

Five weeks pregnant

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious...Here she is in the middle of her campaign .... now this has happened to her.

She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming:

'How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I've just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault!

Well, what have you got to say?'

There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, 'Did you hear me?'

Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice, in a barely audible whisper, he asks:

' Who's speaking?'

Experience

A motorist was on trial for hitting a pedestrian.

The motorist's lawyer made this point: "Your honor, my client has been driving for over thirty years."

To which the lawyer for the plaintiff retorted:
"Your honor, if we are going to judge this case by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over fifty years."

Subordination

An officer got on a crowded bus and a soldier jumped to his feet.

“Keep your seat,” said the officer and the private took his seat again, only to get up another time a bit later. “Keep your seat, private, and forget about subordination!” ordered the democratic minded officer.

“But, sir,” protested the GI, “I have to get off. I have already missed my stop.”

Lick That

Tommy, Little Johnny and Harry were standing around bullsh*tting about how tough their fathers were.

"My dad went 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. Lick that!" said Harry.

"Well, my dad did two tours of Vietnam and killed 19 men... so lick that!" Tommy said.

"That's nothing!" declared little Johnny. "My dad hasn't wiped his arse in 10 years... so lick that!

Larger Fish

"Two men were in a restaurant and ordered fish. The waiter brought a dish with two fish, one larger than the other.
One of the men said to the other, "Please help yourself. "
The other one said "Okay", and helped himself to the larger fish.
After a tense silence, the first one said, "really, now, if you had offered me the first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!"
The other one replied,"What are you complaining for; you have it, don't you?"

Honest answer

My teacher said I was being disrespectful. She'd asked us what our favorite animal was, and I'd said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right. Everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, mutton and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chickens. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Suicide

A blonde hurried into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?," the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor? "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off  the tip of your finger?"

"No, silly!" the blonde said. "First, I put the gun to my chest, and I thought, 'I just paid $6,000 for these; I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000 to get my teeth straightened; I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So, then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought 'This is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

Pearly Gates

A blonde, brunette and redhead passed away in a car accident.

They arrive at the pearly gates and they are told they will be told a joke every 10 steps and they must make it up 100 steps. If they laugh they will not able to get in.

The brunette went up 30 steps and laughed. The redhead went up 50 steps and laughed. The blonde got up all the way to the top and then started laughing hysterically.

When asked "Why did you laugh when you got to the top?" The blonde replied, "I just got the first joke!"

Blonde Inventions

  1. Tricycle kickstand
  2. Solar flashlight
  3. Fire proof matches
  4. Inflatable dartboard
  5. Glass hammer
  6. Black light bulb
  7. Boomerang grenade

Irish Medical Dictionary

Artery -The study of paintings.

Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria.

Barium - What doctors do when patients die.

Benign - What you be, after you be eight.

Caesarean Section - A neighbourhood in Rome.

Catscan - Searching for Kitty.

Cauterize - Made eye contact with her.

Colic - A sheep dog.

Coma - A punctuation mark.

Dilate - To live long.

Enema - Not a friend.

Fester - Quicker than someone else.

Fibula - A small lie.

Impotent - Distinguished, well known.

Labour Pain - Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane.

Morbid - A higher offer.

Nitrates - Cheaper than day rates.

Node - Knew it.

Outpatient - A person who has fainted.

Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative - A letter carrier.

Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery.

Rectum - Nearly killed him.

Secretion - Hiding something.

Seizure - Roman emperor.

Tablet. - A small table.

Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport.

Tumour - One plus one more.

Urine - Opposite of you're out.

Free Beer

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender: "Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can`t make a face while doing it. SECOND, there`s a `gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. THIRD, there`s a woman up-stairs who`s never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.

Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won`t do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and the requirements get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where`s that woman with the sore tooth?"

19 clues to calling it a night, for the ladies partied too much!

- YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO GO HOME WHEN...
  1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.
  2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies room.
  3. You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's ass.
  4. In your last trip to pee you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago.
  5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating.
  6. You start crying.
  7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.
  8. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.
  9. The man you're flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher.
  10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and & sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
  11. You've forgotten where you live.
  12. You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the cigarettes you've smoked, because (as you've mentioned like 10x's by now) you only smoke when you drink.
  13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that's just because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka.
  14. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.
  15. You start every conversation with a booming, Don't take this the wrong way but...
  16. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.
  17. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
  18. You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not?).
  19. You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to.

Introduction

Three guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator. While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.

The first guy says: I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. you know,- young, urban, professional, peaceful, intelligent, ecologist.

The second guy says: I'm a D.I.N.K.Y. you know,- double income, no kids yet.

The third guy says: I'm a R.U.B. you know, - rich, urban, biker.

They turn to the woman and ask her - What are you? She replies: I'm a wife, W.I.F.E. you know - wash, iron, f**k etc.

16 Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work

  1. It's an incentive to show up.
  2. It leads to more honest communications
  3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
  4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.
  5. It encourages car pooling.
  6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
  7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
  8. It makes fellow employees look better.
  9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
  10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
  11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
  12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
  13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
  14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
  15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
  16. Sitting "Bare bottom " on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."

Ferrari GTO

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my Moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear. Then, WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 210 mph.

WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!

The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers, "Yeah ... unhook my suspenders from your side mirror."

RECIPE: HOW TO MAKE LOVE

Ingredients:

4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 soft, warm mixing bowl
1 Firm banana


Directions:

1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.


Notes:
1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.

A Cowboy Dog

A cowboy along with his horse and dog are captured late one afternoon by hostile Indians. This presents no problem for the horse as the Indians can always use another pony. The dog's fate is some what tenuous but it is certain that the cowboy will be burned at the stake the following sunrise. That evening the Indian chief tells the cowboy that he can have one last wish, within reason, before meeting his ultimate fate the the following morning. The cowboy tells the chief that his last request is to see his faithful dog, Rex. When the dog is brought by the Indians the cowboy strokes and pets his companion and whispers something into his ear. At once the dog bounds and runs through the Indian village and over the hill. This does not particularly distress the Indians as they didn't really know what to do with the dog anyway.

At about 8 o'clock that evening the dog returns accompanied by some two dozen hookers from the closest town. Needless to say the braves were delighted at the prospect of an evening's entertainment. As the orgy wore on through the night, the chief told the cowboy that his stake burning was being postponed as they were all too tired from partying.

The next day, the chief said to the cowboy, "in gratitude for furnishing the ladies last night, I'm going to grant you another request before you are burned at the stake in the morning." Again the cowboy requests to see his faithful dog. When the dog is brought forth the cowboy again strokes and pets his companion and whispers into his ear, "this may be my last chance Rex, so please get it right this time --- go to town and get the posse!"

Dunking Devils

Still in da Crate

Olof Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, takes a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said 'How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena , is still a Virgin - in every vay.'
The doctor told him, 'Olof, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it in there as long as you can. He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.
Olof mentions none of this to Lena, marries her, and they go on their honeymoon to Duluth.
That night in the motel 6, Lena rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said, 'Olof...you're the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez.'
Olof immediately drops his pants and replies, 'Look at dis Lena ... still in DA CRATE!

Why Bill Gates decides to Sell OFF Microsoft?

Letter from Banta Singh of Punjab to Mr. Bill Gates of Microsoft

Subject: Problems with my new computer

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,
We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.
  1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this
  2. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.
  3. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this 'find' button, but was unable to trace.Please rectify this problem.
  4. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?
  5. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'My Computer': when you will povide the remaining items?
  6. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.
  7. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only. 
  8. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?
  9. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God sake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.
Regards, Banta

*Last one to Mr Bill Gates :
Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but you are selling WINDOWS?*

Little Johnny at horse auction

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Little Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'
His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Little Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the milkman wants to buy Mom ....'

Car Mechanic and A Doctor

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage,” Hello Doctor! Please come over here for a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively :

"So doctor, look at this.... I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me are doing basically the same work?

The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic ...

"Try to do it when the engine is running".

27 Serious Funny One Liners

  1. Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
  2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.
  3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
  4. I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.
  5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
  6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
  7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
  8. You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
  9. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
  10. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired..
  11. Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
  12. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
  13. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
  14. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
  15. A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
  16. You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
  17. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
  18. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
  19. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
  20. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something
  21. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!
  22. Man: Is there any way for long life? Dr: Get married. Man: Will it help? Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come.
  23. Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
  24. Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do? Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
  25. It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
  26. There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
  27. There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it!

Why is this dentist THE man for you?

Nina completed four weeks of dental restoration with her dentist.

She confided to her best friend Rosey that she had fallen in love with her dentist and she was going to propose to him.

Rosey said, "Nina, you're young, you're beautiful, you have dozens of men that adore you. Why is this dentist THE man for you?"

"Because," explained Nina, "he is the first man that ever said to me ... 'SPIT, don't SWALLOW'."

I have a mouse in my pants

Every day Little Johnny went to the park and sat on the park bench to watch the squirrels climb the tree.

One day while Little Johnny was sitting on the park bench, Susie walked by and unzipped Little Johnny's fly.

He went home and told his mother about it and she said, "Tell the little girl not to do that again because you have a mouse in your pants."

The following day Little Johnny was sitting there and Susie did the same thing again.

As his mother told him, Little Johnny exclaimed "Don't do that because I have a mouse in my pants."

At that remark, Susie lifted her skirt and said, "Go get 'em Pussy.

American Tech Support

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry....

**********

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

**********

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

**********

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

**********

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....... ......... ....thank you.

**********

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

**********

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

**********

Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

**********

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

**********

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer : Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

**********

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

**********

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

**********

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."

**********

And last but not least...

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager"
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

Indian barmaid

An Indian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Indian barmaid. As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her Rs.5,000 to sleep with him. As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for Rs.5,000. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in India. - "Delhi", he tells her.
So am I. What suburb?" she enquires. "Paschim Vihar" he replies.
"That's amazing..... ...." she says excitedly, "..........so am I - what Road?" " S.V.P. Road" he replies.
This is unbelievable. ........" she says, her voice quavering.
"Which Building?" "Chandra Mahal", he replies.
She is totally astonished. "You are NOT going to believe this...... ",
She screams, "but I'm from Surya MahaL......2 buildings down the lane! My parents still live there!"

" I know..." he says, "Your Dad gave me Rs.25, 000 to give to you".

Brazillian Air Crash

Once in Brazil a plane crashed, only a monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive. Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand our language and reply in actions.

The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.

Officer: "When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Tying their belts"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Saying Hello! Good morning!"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Checking the system"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Looking for my people"
Officer: "After 10' minutes what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Having beverages and snacks"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Serving the travelers"
Officer: "What were the Pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the steering"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Eating & throwing"

Officer: "After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Some were sleeping and some were reading"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Make up"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the steering"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Nothing"

Officer: "Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "All were sleeping"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the air hostess"
Officer: What were you doing?
Monkey: Handling the steering!!!

The only heaven on the Earth

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the World.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to China.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he Noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call".
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what The telephone was used for.The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for
$10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in Japan. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the

Same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in China and
He asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000
He Could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the American.

He then travelled to Pakistan, Russia, Germany and France ..
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same"$10,000 Per call" sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to up to India to See if Indians had the same phone.

He arrived in India , and again, in the first church he entered, thereWas the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it  read "One Rupee per call."
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign." Father, I've traveled all over World and I've seen this same golden Telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line toHeaven, But in the US the price was $10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest simply smiled and answered,
"You're in India now, Son - it's a Local Call".
This is the only heaven on the Earth. :))

Rajinikanth Driving Licence

Answer to go home

It was the end of the school day and all of the kids were anxious to go home. The teacher told the kids, "As soon as you can name the speaker of a famous quote you may leave. o.k, who said four score and seven years ago?"

Johnny lifts his hand in excitement.
"Yes, Johnny?"

But before he could answer, Lucy jumped in and said Abraham Lincoln.
"Very good, Lucy, you may go home now."

Johnny was red in the face with anger. The teacher then gave the next quote,
"Who said I have a dream.."
Johnny lifted his hand excitedly again. But this time Mary interjected and said "Martin Luther King."
"Very good, Mary, you may go home now."

At this point Johnny was really frustrated and pissed off. But the teacher asked again, "Who said ask not what your country can do for you?"
Johnny knew this one, he raised his hand quickly. This time Rebecca chimed in and said, "JFK"
"Very good, Rebecca, you may go home now."

Now, Johnny was BOILING MAD! He turns to the kid next to him and says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
"Who said that?"asked the teacher.
"Bill Clinton," said Johnny, "Can I go home now?"

Did God make you?

A grandfather and granddaughter were sitting and talking when the young girl asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"
"Yes, He did," the older man answered.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.
At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."

Dieting Rules

If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you don’t eat more than they do.

Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

Movie-related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel.

Cookie pieces contain no calories — the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

Anything consumed while standing over the kitchen sink, has no calories.

Euro trip

A father, mother, and son were going to Europe and were going to visit the nude beaches while they were there.

They didn't want the son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they told him that the men with really big dicks were really really dumb, and that the woman with really big tits were really really dumb.

When they got to the beach they split up. Later the mother saw the son and asked where his dad was.

The boy said, "Well, the last time I saw him he was talking to this really, really, really dumb blond, and the longer they talked the dumber he got."

Fastest Insurance Claim Settlements

Three Insurance salesmen were having drinks and boasting about each companies' service.

The first one said, "When one of our insured died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife and mailed a check on Wednesday evening."

The second one said, "When one of our insured died without warning on Monday, we learned of it in 2 hours and were able to hand-deliver a check the same evening."

The last salesman said, "That's nothing. Our office is on the 20th floor, in the Sears Tower. One of our insured, who was washing a window on the 85th floor, slipped and fell. We handed him his check as he passed our floor."

Never let me live in a vegetative state

Last night my wife and I were sitting in the living room, talking about life... In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.

I said to her:

'Dear, never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die'.

Then my wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me... and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the fridge and threw away all my beer!!

*....I ALMOST DIED!!!

Marriage Mix

Wife: If I dismiss the cook and make the food myself for a month, what will you pay me?
Husband: I won't have to pay you, you'll get my entire insurance amount.

*****

Two men r talking. 1st: I got married coz I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry & wearing shabby clothes.
2nd: Amazing, I just got divorced for the very same reasons

*****

What's the diff between Complete & Finished?
If you find good wife u r complete otherwise u r finished.

*****

Police arrested a drunkard & asked: Where r u going?
Man: I'm going 2 listen lecture on ill effects of drinking.
Cop: Who'll lecture at midnight?
Man: My wife...

*****

Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. U r beautiful, I love u.
After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue. U r my headache, one day I'll
kill u.

*****

Q: Why do women live longer than men?
A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!

Natural Airbags

Good touch bridesmaid

I love you has 8 letters so does potatoes

Undercover

What did you win the last time?

A very drunk man goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves him and asks him if he would like to try the bar game of darts. Three in the bulls eye and win a prize.. Only a dollar for three darts.

The drunk agrees and throws the first dart. A bulls eye!! He downs another drink, takes aim on wobbly feet, lets go...Two bulls eyes!!!! Two more quick drinks go down. Barely able to stand, he lets go of the last dart.

Three bulls eyes!!!

All are astounded. No one has ever won before. The bartender searches for a prize... grabs a turtle from the bar's terrarium and presents it to the drunk as his prize.

Three weeks pass... The drunk returns and orders more drinks, then announces he would like to try the dart game again. To the total amazement and wonderment of all the local drunks, he scores three more bulls eyes and demands his prize.

The bartender, being a sort of drunk himself, and a bit short of memory, doesn't know what to give, so he asks the drunk, "Say, what did you win the last time?"

And the drunk responds, "A roast beef sandwich on a hard roll!"

You look ten years younger

Two homosexuals were talking when one of them happened to mention that he had gotten circumcised last week.

"Can I see it?" asked the second gay guy, so he promptly dropped his pants to show off his operation.

"Oooh," squealed his friend, "You look ten years younger!"

A Woman's Thoughts on Life

- Your secrets are safe with me, and all my friends.

- I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.

- If I can't be skinny, let all my friends be fat.

- My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance.

- I cleaned my house yesterday, sure wish you could have seen it.

- This isn't clutter, these are my antiques!

- If you don't like my attitude, call: 1-800-Who-Cares.

- Discover Wildlife! Have Kids!

- "Genuine Antique Person," Been there, done that, can't remember!

- Our policy is to always blame the computer.

- I'm not aging, I just need re-potting.

- Take my advice, I'm not using it!

- Okay! I love you! Now can we eat?

- You know you are getting old when you stop to think and forget to start again.

- Mom, I'll always love you, but I'll never forgive you for cleaning my face with spit on a hanky.

- I love to give homemade gifts ... umm, which one of the kids would you like?

- I have a million dollar figure -- but it's all loose change!

- By the time you find greener pastures, you can't climb the fence!

- This house is protected by killer dust bunnies.

- Every time I get the urge to exercise, I lie down till the feeling passes.

Golden Ruke for F***ing

1. F***ing once a week is good for health, But is harmful if done everyday.

2. F***ing gives proper relaxation to Mind & Body.

3.F***ing refreshes you.

4. After F***ing, don't take heavy food, opt for liquids.

5. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol level.

6. F***ing reduces weight for sure...






























































"FASTing" is really good for Health !!!



WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?

101 Lies Men Tell Women

  1. I'll call you.
  2. I love you.
  3. You're the only one.
  4. I've never felt this way about anyone else.
  5. I've got to work late at the office tonight.
  6. That's the best sex I've ever had.
  7. You've got the most beautiful eyes
  8. No, I'm not married
  9. Sorry. I must have left my wallet and credit cards at home.
  10. You just have to believe me when I tell you nothing's wrong.
  11. I'm ready to make a commitment.
  12. Except for a beer or two, I never drink.
  13. My wife and I haven't had sex in years.
  14. We'll get married as soon as I ...
  15. I'll be home in twenty minutes.
  16. It's not that I don't care - I just have to spend more time with my kids.
  17. I've only slept with maybe ten women in my entire life.
  18. I've been celibate since we broke up.
  19. I could never lie to you.
  20. I can still last all night
  21. I always use a condom
  22. I can help you get a great job in my company (field)
  23. I haven't seen her since she and I broke up
  24. I tested HIV negative
  25. I haven't seen her since she and I broke up
  26. The only sexual fantasies I have are about you
  27. No, I don't think your thighs (stomach, breasts, hips, etc.) are too big
  28. I'm too tired
  29. How could you think I'd be interested in her? She's your best friend
  30. When it comes to oral sex, I'm the best
  31. I've never had any trouble keeping an erection before
  32. It's you and me, babe - we'll make love all over Europe
  33. I'd never do anything to hurt you.
  34. I want to grow old with you
  35. Believe me, my wife and I live very separate lives
  36. Our having sex won't change a thing between us
  37. Don't worry, I've had a vasectomy
  38. I'm going to leave my wife
  39. You're nothing at all like my mother
  40. Your being a different religion doesn't matter to me
  41. It doesn't bother me that you make more money than I do
  42. Even without sex, we'd still be friends
  43. I think older women are the most exciting
  44. I'm considered one of the top people (in my field, in the company)
  45. What attracts me to you is your mind
  46. We'll split all the child care and household chores fifty-fifty
  47. Of course I don't mind that you didn't come
  48. I've never had an affair before
  49. You're the only one who understands me
  50. I've never been in therapy
  51. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me
  52. No, I'm not seeing anyone else
  53. I haven't thought about her (old girlfriend) in years
  54. How many times do I have to tell you I'm not having an affair?
  55. Your career is as important as mine
  56. I promise you that I'll change
  57. I want us to remain close friends always
  58. My wife and I have an understanding
  59. You're wonderful; you deserve someone better than me
  60. I don't masturbate
  61. Let's be friends first 
  62. When you walked through that door, I knew it was the real thing 
  63. I'd like you even if you were a man 
  64. It's okay to be good looking, but looks just don't mean that much to me 
  65. The difference between us will bring us even closer 
  66. I spend everything I earn on you and the kids 
  67. No, I never said that 
  68. You make me feel like a kid again 
  69. I'm going out with the boys (to the gym, to the office) 
  70. I'll move wherever you want 
  71. Of course I'm not bored with you 
  72. As soon as I finish this project (get a promotion, a raise, make partner), we'll...... 
  73. You've got more sex appeal in your little toe than my wife's got in her whole body 
  74. It wouldn't be you and me anymore if I used one of those 
  75. Let's pool our assets - whatever is mine is yours 
  76. I still find you just as attractive as the day I met you 
  77. Divorce is the farthest thing from my mind 
  78. Sure, I'll watch the kids 
  79. It's not just the sex I want, it's being close to you. 
  80. We'll be spending a lot of time together when I retire 
  81. You're the only reason I've worked so hard 
  82. If I didn't have all this work, you know I'd go with you and the kids to your mom's 
  83. No one's ever turned me on like you do 
  84. My boss says there's nothing to worry about 
  85. I'll never tell 
  86. Relax, she's just a friend 
  87. This is just a temporary separation until we get things worked out 
  88. Your hair (dress, outfit) looks fantastic 
  89. It was just sex - it didn't mean a thing 
  90. Of course I'm listening to what you're saying 
  91. Come on in and we'll just cuddle for a few minutes 
  92. No, I don't think you're fat 
  93. You're the woman I should have married 
  94. I'm going to be focusing on my wokr for a while now. 
  95. I guarantee you, I'm not the father 
  96. Your having kids has nothing to do with my not wanting to get married 
  97. I'm not ashamed of the way you talk (look, act, etc.) 
  98. It's nothing personal; I just don't like sharing my living space with someone
  99. This time I'm really serious 
  100. Honestly, honey, it's just for the guys - none of the wives go to the conference
  101. I'll always take care of you.