Things My Mother Taught Me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Read More

Think out of the Box

Take a look at the questions below and learn how to 'Think out of the Box". Do post if you have any such QnA pairs.

Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?

A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack!

**********

Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?

A. No time at all it is already built.

**********

Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?

A. Very large hands. (Good one)

**********

Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?

A. It is not a problem, since you will never find! an elephant with one hand.

**********

Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?

A. No Probs , He sleeps at night.

**********

Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?

A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that.

**********

Q. What looks like half apple ?

A : The other half.

**********

Q. What can you never eat for breakfast ?

A : Lunch and Dinner.

**********

Q. What happened when wheel was invented?

A : It caused a revolution.

**********

Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?

A : Liquid

**********

Read More

Oldman's wit

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators." Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill every time!

Read More

Claude - The famed hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!", said the Hypnotist.

Read More

My husband wants me to ask you...

Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."

"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late In the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it at all," Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

Read More

Forgive Your Enemies

The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies." He asked how many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies?

About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question.
Now about 80 percent held up their hands.

He then repeated his question. All responded, except one elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-three." she replied.

"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the
congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle and said,
"I outlived those bitches"

Read More

Jeeves the Butler

The woman of the house decided to give their butler,
Jeeves, the rest of the night off.

She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone.

Her husband had to stay, as several of his important clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room.

She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom.

She then closed and locked the door.

She looked at him and smiled. "Jeeves," she said. "Take off my dress." He did this carefully.

"Jeeves," she continued. "Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her.

"Jeeves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties."
As he did this, the tension continued to mount.

She looked at him and then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

Read More

I am paid to watch the hoarding

A CEO of a top brand company used to be a very frequent flier and traveler. He usually takes the early morning flight and return back the same evening or night home and this was his regular schedule.

Every time he passed between the airport and his house he spotted an old man in his early seventies, spectacled, standing under a hoarding and staring at the sky. On many occasions he noticed that never did the old man ever look down, sideways or front. He was always looking up.

The CEO was very curious to understand what was the problem with the old chap. At freezing temperatures what is bothering this man that he has to spend the night in the cold looking at the sky.

One midnight while on his return he decided to stop and check with the old man if there was any problem. He went up to the old man and asked him “Hey, old fella you got to be at home spending time with your grandchildren but instead you are spending your time in the freezing cold in the street looking at the sky. Is there any problem that I can help you solve it”

The old man tells “ No son, I am fine and have no problem. I have chosen this on my own will. I am working for a company and I am paid to stand here and keep a watch”

CEO: What!! Paid by a company to stare at the sky!!!

Old man: Nope, you dumbo, I am paid to watch the hoarding and work for an advertising company.

CEO: What’s so great in this neon lit hoarding that you need to watch this all night except for the 5 words written and a pretty lady’s photograph on the hoarding.

“Yea exactly, that’s my job to keep watching and reporting” the old man said all along only looking up.

CEO: Can you explain to me what’s your job as I am still unable to get a clue about what’s so critical in this.

Old man: Read the advertisement

“COUNTLESS WOMEN USE THIS NAPKIN” the CEO read and said “so what”

Old man: My job is to report back to the company the moment the “O” stops glowing.

Read More

Beauty of Mathematics !!!!!!!

1 x 8 + 1 = 9
12 x 8 + 2 = 98
123 x 8 + 3 = 987
1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432
123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321

1 x 9 + 2 = 11
12 x 9 + 3 = 111
123 x 9 + 4 = 1111
1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111
12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111
123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111
1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111
12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111
123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111

9 x 9 + 7 = 88
98 x 9 + 6 = 888
987 x 9 + 5 = 8888
9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888
98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888
987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888
9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888
98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888

Brilliant, isn't it?

And look at this symmetry:

1 x 1 = 1
11 x 11 = 121
111 x 111 = 12321
1111 x 1111 = 1234321
11111 x 11111 = 123454321
111111 x 111111 = 12345654321
1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321
11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321
111111111 x 111111111 = 12345678987654321

Now, take a look at this...

101%
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint:
What Equals 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been in situations where someone wants you to
GIVE OVER 100%.

How about ACHIEVING 101%?

What equals 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help
Answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

If:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+ 15+18+11 = 98%

And:
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+ 12+5+4+7+ 5 = 96%

But:
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+ 21+4+5 = 100%

THEN, look how far the love of God will take you:
L-O-V-E-O-F-G-O-D
12+15+22+5+15+6+7+15+4 = 101%

Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:

While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will
Get you there, It's the Love of God that will put you over the top!

Read More

Mallu Jokes

Name the wonly part of the werld where Malayalis don't werk hard?
Kerala.

************ *

Why is industrial productivity so low in Kerala?
Because 86% of the shift time is spent on lifting, folding and re-tying the lungi.

************ *

Why did the Malayali buy an air-ticket?
To go to Thoobai, to meet his ungle in the Gelff.

************ *

Why do Malayali's go to the Gelff?
To yearn menney.

************ *

What did the Malayali do when the plane caught fire?
He zimbly jembd out of the vindow.

************ *

What is a Malayali management graduate called?
Yem Bee Yay.

************ *

Why did his wife divorce him?
Because he was louwing another woman.

************ *

Who found out that?
His Andy.

************ *

What does a Malayali do when he goes to America?
He changes his name from Karunakaran to Kevin Curren.

************ *

What does a Malayali use to commute to office everyday?
An Oto.

************ *

Who is a Malayali's famous yeactor end yaectress?
Moghan lal, Mammooti, Geedha, Revadhi, Zilgsmidha end Ambiga.

************ *

Why is Kerala the most highly literate state in India?
Its easily giving Degree to get rid of the peapals from Kerala.

************ *

Why are Arab countries looking only for Keralites?
They are ready to do yennything for menney.

Read More

Search God

Read More

V-agina

Read More

What women should tell men...but don’t

1. The reason why our bras don’t always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear.
2. The next time you and your buddies make jokes about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.
3. If we’re watching football with you - it’s not bonding - it’s their butts.
4. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.
5. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.
6. Please don’t drive when you’re not driving.
7. If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn’t ask in bed.
8. The next time you make jokes about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.
9. If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of “who’s easy”?
10. Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don’t care.
11. When you’re not around, I belch loudly, too.
12. We don’t mind if you look in the mirror to check your appearance - in fact, please do!
13. When you’re out with us, please wear “our” favorite outfit rather than “yours” - the torn jeans and dirty T-Shirt will last longer that way.
14. If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive vs. A negative grunt.
15. Don’t insist that we “get off the stupid phone” and then not talk to us.
16. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.
17. Cleaning the house is not necessarily “women’s work”; besides, most of the “dirt” and clutter is yours anyway.
18. Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men, why is it then you never want to cook?
19. We go to the Ladies Room in groups to talk about you.
20. Yes, we know you can probably beat us arm wrestling… however, very few raises or promotions were gained by arm wrestling the boss.

Read More

7 dwarves went to meet the pope

7 dwarves went to meet the pope. "Go on Dopey, ask" chanted the other 6. "Ok" said Dopey, "Sir, are there nuns in Alaska?"

"Yes" said the pope.

"Go on Dopey, ask him" urged the other 6 dwarves. "Ok" said Dopey, "Sir, are there black nuns in Alaska?".

"Yes there are" said the pope.

"Go on Dopey, ask him" said the others. Dopey blushed and asked "Sir, are there midget nuns in Alaska?"

"No, i don't think so" said the pope.

All 6 of the other dwarves leapt up shouting "Dopey shagged a penguin! Dopey shagged a penguin!"

Read More

Which part of your body goes first?

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven . . Which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it 's your legs."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The nun fainted.

Read More

He must pay for his mistake

Husband and wife had a tiff.

Wife called up her mum and said, “He fought with me again. I am coming to live with you”.

Mom said, “No no my little girl, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to stay with you.”

Read More

Rubber broke

Two young girls were talking about their active sex lives when the first girl said,
"Oh my god!, it was really great, but I was so scared after his rubber broke. I didn't get a good night's sleep for a week."
"What happened then?" said her intrigued friend.
She answered, "I was so worried I didn't know what I was going to do, but I was finally able to get the last little piece of hair out with dental floss."

Read More

That's why we have Molly The Camel

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The Camel.
The Captain considers this, and finally said, 'I can't say that I condone it, but I can understand about the 'urges' and so the camel can stay.'
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild and insane sex with the camel.
When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'
'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are.'

Read More

Take your pick

An old man of 70 married a young girl of 21.

When they got into bed the night after their wedding, he held up three fingers.

“Oh honey!” said the young nymph,

“Does that mean we’re going to do it three times?”

“No…” said the old man,

“It means you can take your pick.”

Read More

Why don't you go clean yourself up

Two drunks are sitting in a bar when one smells something foul.

He turns to the other. "Hey man," he says, "did you sh*t yourself?"

"Yeah," says the second drunk.

"Well, why don't you go clean yourself up?"

"I ain't through yet.

Read More

How'd you get rid of the gators?

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. When he was almost there, he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."

Read More

Would you help me out?

Dentist: "Would you help me out? I'd like you to give a few of your loudest screams."
Patient: "Why, Doc? It isn't all that bad this time."
Dentist: "Well, there are about 20 people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the five o'clock Braves game on Channel 4."

Read More

Source of the strange sound

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a U.S. Marine Corps base. He goes to the front gate, and says to the sentry, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”



To his surprise, the Marines accept him enthusiastically. They feed him at the officer’s club, they fix his car at the motor pool, and they even allow him to sleep in the VIP quarters.



But, as the man tries to fall asleep that night, he hears a strange sound. All through the night, he hears this sound.



The next morning, he asks the Marines what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a Marine.”



The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.



Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same Marine Corps base. Again the Marines accept him enthusiastically, fix his car, and allows him to stay in the VIP quarters. That night, he hears the exact same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.



The next morning, he asks what it is, but the Marines reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a Marine.”



The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a Marine, how do I become one?”



The Marines reply, “You must go to Paris Island, there to undergo several weeks of torturous behavior. You will be yelled at, put down, cut down, and physically exhausted. From there you will go on to receive infantry training. You will learn how to fight, fight to survive, and fight to win. You will learn how to act the Corps, breath the Corps, eat the Corps, sleep the Corps, be the Corps. When you finish these trials, you will be a Marine.”



The man sets about his task. He goes through boot camp, advanced infantry training, and is assigned to an MEU. While part of the MEU he is sent to fight in two small wars, and three “police actions.”



Three years later, while on leave, he returns to the Marine Corps base where he last heard that strange, strange sound. Standing there in his dress uniform, he says, “I have joined the Corps, and I have paid my dues. I have fought for the love of God, Country, and the Corps.



The Marines reply, “Congratulations. You are now a Marine. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”



The Marines lead the man to a wooden door, where the Base Commander says, “The sound is right behind that door.”



The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. may I have the key?”



The Base Commander give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door.



The Commander give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the Commander, who provides it. Behind that door is *another* door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst…



Finally, the Commander says, “This is the last key to the last door.”



The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.



But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a Marine.

Read More

Season ticket

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.

Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?" "Absolutely not," he said. "How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."

"Season's more than half over," he said.

Read More

Diary of a House Husband

This week I am at home & playing house husband. My wife left a list of things I need to do. This is soooooo easy

1). Make the beds......
What a waste of effort, we're only going to sleep in them again tonight. Forget that.
Scratch one.

2). Pick up dog poop in yard.......
It snowed last night, I don't see any dog poop, kids do you see any dog poop?
Scratch two.

3). Drop your shirts off at the cleaners.......
Duhh I'm on vacation I don't need them.
Scratch three.

This is easy, what's the fuss.
Think I'll go on the computer for a while.

4). Clean out Tupperware cabinet.......
Uhhhh that's a hard one. GOT IT, velcro on the door will keep them closed.
Scratch four.

5). Mop kitchen floor.....
The dog licked up that sugar spill from breakfast, floor looks clean to me.
Scratch five.

Good doggie go play in the yard. She just loves rolling in the snow.

6). Find something fun for the kids to do.....
That tin foil in the microwave thing was kinda fun.
Scratch six.

This is way too easy I'll have lots of time for the computer

7). Vacuum the carpets......
That's a hard one.......
Hey kids wanna have some more FUN.
Scratch seven.

8). Feed kids lunch.....
Hey kids, don't you have a friends house to go too?
YESSSS Scratch eight !!

9). Clean out hallway closet......
Hmmmm another hard one. That's it, take enough out of the closet to close the door. Outta sight outta mind. Hmmmm this other stuff can go under a bed.
Scratch nine.

Boy O Boy am I good, lunch time. Pour some chili into the cracker bag & eat. Taaa daaa no lunch dishs

10). Do laundry.....
no problem I can do that while I'm on the computer
Scratch ten.

11). Fold laundry.....
dang Ya know I never noticed how many pink things this family actually wears. Gonna have to ask da little lady why she buys me pale pink underwear?? Check this out a cashmere barbie sweater, cool.
Scratch eleven.

12) Put the laundry away....
Baskets in bedrooms
work for me.
Scratch twelve.

This is way too easy. Wonder why women always complain about house work???

13). Water the Christmas tree...
Oop's!... good thing the carpet is absorbent.
Scratch thirteen.

14). Grocery shopping, Buy toilet paper.......
These old newspapers will do, besides, that's recycling & that's good for the earth....
Scratch fourteen.

15). Pick up the kids ......
Yeah right; we're talking about my kids here. Parents will normally pay to drop them back off.
They'll be back. Scratch fifteen.

Wonder who's on the computer. I have plenty of time.

16). Make dinner.....
Easy, "Hello do you deliver ? uhhh double that, Ya know we will need more dinner tomorrow".
Scratch sixteen.

17). Clean out the dog house......
duhh the dog sleeps in our bed, Like that needs to be done.
Scratch seventeen.

WOW all done. Man this is sooooo easy. Still time for some more puter and a nap..... Women must complain about house work just to make us guys think they're working.

Read More

Fake Abs

Read More

Nipple on the BatSuit

Read More

The Church Plaque

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed Little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven-year- old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, son."

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque.

"Sir, what is this?" Little Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one, sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"

Read More

Blind Date

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"

"No," she answered..."I thought he was dead!"

Read More

Sign seen in repair shop

Sign seen in repair shop (directed at customers):

Hourly rate: $10.50

Hourly rate if you sit and watch: $12.50

Hourly rate if you sit, watch, and comment: $15.50

Hourly rate if you sit, watch, comment, and "help": $20.00

Read More

He fingered me first

Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my arse"

The doctors says "Drop your pants, bend over and let me have a look".

"Good lord!!" says the doctor "what could have made a hole as big as that?"

Patient replies "I've been screwed by an elephant".

The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous".

Patient replies "He fingered me first".

Read More

Remember My Name

Read More

Where are you going?

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling a sleep, but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.

She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said. "Then you use to bite my neck.

"Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

Read More

Some more Rajinikanth Jokes

1) Galileo used lamp to study..
Graham bell used candle to study
Shakespere studied in street lights
but, u know abt Rajnikanth?????????????
.
.
.
.
.
Only Agarbatti!!!!!! :-)


2) Once Rajnikant bunkd the school …
.
.
.
.
.
Since dat day is known as Sunday



3) The rough book used by rajnikant in his school days is today known as ...
.
.
.
.
.
wikipedia-the encyclopedia


4) Why did Rajnikant buy an acre of Land with 4 wells in each corner???
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ans. To Play Carrom!!!


5) rajnikant did his K.G frm 7 different places...
.
.
.
.
.
Today those are known as 7 different IIT's...!!!


6) Rajnikanth went for a morning walk and in the afternoon Police arrested him....Y?
.
.
.
.
.
Because he reached USA without Visa..


7) Rajnikant can watch movies from DVD without DVD player, without TV. How?
.
.
.
.
.
by running it on his fingure

8) NASA doesn't exist anymore...
.
.
.
.
.
Rajni bought all their rockets in Diwali

9) in 2008 rajni lost his wallet.....
.
.
.
.
.
and the world went into recession!!!

10) Neil Armstrong lands on the moon and sees Rajni is already there…!!!

Read More

Men will never change

Read More

You Might Be A Yankee If...

1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
2. You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!
3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
4. For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
5. You don't know what a moon pie is.
6. You've never had grain alcohol.
7. You've never, ever, eaten Okra.
8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.
10. You have no idea what a polecat is.
11. Whenever someone tells an off*color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.
12. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
13. You don't have bangs.
14. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
15. More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
16. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
17. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
18. You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.
19. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun*and*knife show.
20. You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
21. You don't have at least one can of WD*40 somewhere around the house.
22. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on*ramp on the highway.
23. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
24. The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.
25. You call binoculars opera glasses.
26. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
27. You would never wear pink or an appliqued sweatshirt.
28. You don't know what appliqued is.
29. Most of your formative high school experiences took place within the context of a football game.
30. You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Bubba Kay Bob, Bob Bob)
31. You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
32. You've never been to a craft show.
33. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
34. You can't do your laundry without quarters.
35. None of your fur coats are homemade.

Read More

You Might Be A Redneck If:

You Might Be A Redneck If:

* You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.

* Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.

* You've ever re-used a paper plate.

* If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

* If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

* On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.

Read More

Things I Can Only Say This Week At Thanksgiving And Get Away With It

• Talk about a huge breast.
• Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
• It's cool whip time.
• If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
• Whew, that's one terrific spread!
• I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
• Are you ready for seconds yet?
• It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
• Just wait your turn, you'll get some.
• Don't play with your meat!
• Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
• Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
• I didn't expect everyone to come at once.
• You still have a little bit on your chin.
• How long will it take after you stick it in?
• You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
• Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
• That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
• How long do I beat it before it's ready?
• Man, that looks just like cranberry sauce.
• Is that hole good and stuffed?
• Should I wrap that for you?
• I've done my part, now I just want to sleep.

Read More

Is it Wrong

Read More

Chuck Norris Joke

Read More

Thanksgiving Story

I saw you across a crowded room. Among all the others that were there, The lights seemed to shine down on you alone. I knew then I had to have you for my own.

Willingly, you came with me to my home. From the car, I carried you and threw the door.

Looking at you, I admire your body, your well shaped legs, and breasts. Slowly I remove what wraps, around your body so tightly, fitting you like a glove. Exposing your tender white skin.

From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off in my arms, to the warm water that awaits.

The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft breasts then, making your legs glisten with wetness. Droplets of water cover your taut skin.

My hands rub your body, ummmm running them threw the beads of water. Making them trickle down off your body.

I place my fingers inside you. You are warm and moist, so ready. I carry your still dripping body, to a laying place, so that I can put inside you what was well prepared to enter you before we even came through the door.

As soon as I lay you down your legs spread open wide. You are ready now and so am I.

I put a little in slowly at first, getting a feel for how much you can take in.

I put in more, you take it willingly. In anticipation, faster and faster I put it in, pushing it in deeply as far as I can, until I can't put any more in, you are so tight. With your legs wrapped tightly, not wanting to release any of it, I make you so hot for a very long time, until your sweet juices escape from within. Then I taste you, with my tongue at first, your skin is so soft and tender.

I taste more of you with my mouth, you are so hot and moist, you taste so good.

Your juices coating my mouth, making me drool in anticipation of eating you more, with every taste.

"Oh yes", I say to you,

I must say Grace "Thank God for Butterball turkey.... Amen"

Read More

Racing-car driver

The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.

"What's the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked.

"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured,
'what a smooth finish.'"

"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver.

"Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled, 'who the hell left the garage door open?'"

Read More

Rajinikanth Trigonometry

Read More

Rajinikanth theory of Light

Read More

There nothing Rajini Cant

Read More

What would you do?

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport.

It was after midnight.

While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom.

The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money."

"He paid for the Corvette I bought for you, He paid for our new cabin cruiser, He paid for our house at the lake."

"He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.

He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby said,

"I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

Read More

Mountain Neighbours

Dan, a 35 year old New York stock broker had made it so big on Wall Street that he was able to retire at a young age.

Using his wealth, he buys a small cottage in the Vermont mountains.

After 6 months of hardly any human contact, except for venturing into town for supplies, he hears a knock on his door.

He opens the door to find this big, surly, bearded man standing in front of him.

"May I help you," Dan asks.

"The name's Jim, I live 'bout two miles down the road in my cabin," the man says.

"I'm having a party this coming Saturday and I thought I'd invite you seein' that you're new and all here."

Dan accepts the invitation saying, "Great, I haven't been out in six months."

Jim says "I gotta warn ya, there's gon' be a lot a drinkin at this party."

"Well, I've been to all the bars in New York and have held my ground with the best of them," Dan replies.

"A lot of fightin' goes on that these parties too," Jim says.

Dan replies "well, it'll be nice to get out and I think I can hold my own."

Jim offers, "there's also gon' be some wild love making."

"Well I have been alone for the last six months," Dan says with a laugh.

So the two exchange numbers and directions and just as Jim is walking away Dan says "What should I wear?"

Jim turns and replies, "Whatever you want, just gon' be us two."

Read More

Bill Gates and Ramayan

When Bill Gates was in India few months back,he had a chance 2 listen Ramayana from Atal behari vajpayee. After returning 2 US he wrote it in his personal Diary. A Tabloid in US got a copy of his writings.These are
excerpts from his diary.

Ramayana
LAN, LAN ago, in the SYSTEM of I/O-dhya, there ruled a PROCESSOR named DOS-rat.
Once he EXECUTED a great sacrifice PROGRAM after which his queens gave an OUTPUT of four SUNs-- RAM, LSIman, BUG-rat and SED-rughana.
RAM the eldest was a MICROCHIP with excellent MEMORY .
His brothers, however, were only PERIPHERAL ICs.
Once when RAM was only 16MB, he married princess 'C'ta.
12 years passed and DOS-rat decided to INSTAL RAM as his successor.
However, Queen CIE/CAE(Kayegayee), who was once offered a boon by DOS-rat for a life saving HELP COMMAND ,took this opportunity at the instigation of her BIOSed maid (a real plotter),and insisted that her son Bug-rat be INSTALLED and that RAM be BOOTED to the forest for 14 years.
At this cruel and unexpected demand, a SURGE passed thru DOS-rat and he collapsed, power-less.

RAM agreed to LOG ONTO forest and 'C'ta insisted to LOGIN with him.
LSI-man was also resolved on LOGGING IN with his brother.
The forest was the dwelling of SPARC-nakha, the TRANSISTOR of RAW-van,PROCESSOR of LAN-ka.
Attracted by RAM's stature, she proposed that he marry her.
RAM, politely declined.
Perceiving 'C'ta to be the SOURCE CODE of her distress, she hastened to kill her.
Weeping, SPARC-nakha fled to LAN-ka, where RAW-van, moved by TR ANSISTOR's plight, approached his uncle MAR-icha.
MAR-icha REPROGRAMED himself into the form of a golden stag and drew RAM deep into the forest.
Finally, tired of chase, RAM shot the deer, who,with his last breath, cried out desperately for LSI-man in RAM's voice.
Fooled by this VIRTUAL RAM SOUND, 'C'ta urged LSI-man to his brother's aid.
Catching the opportunity, RAW-van DELINKED 'C'ta from her LIBRARY and changed her ROOT
DIRECTORY to LAN-ka.

RAM and LSI-man started SEARCHING for the missing 'C'ta all over he forest.
They made friendship with the forest SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR SU-greev and his powerful co-processor Ha-NEUMAN.
SU-greev agreed to help RAM.
SU-greev ordered his PROGRAMMERS to use powerful 'SEARCH' techniques to FIND the missing 'C'ta.
His PROGRAMMERS SE ARCHED all around the INTER-NETworked forests.

Many tried to 'EXCITE' the birds and animals not to forget the 'WEB CRAWLERS'( Insects) and tried to 'INFO SEEK' something about 'C'ta.
Some of them even shouted 'YAA-HOO' but they all ended up with 'NOTFOUND' MESSAGES.
Several other SEARCH techniques proved useless.

Ha-NEUMAN devised a RISKy TECHNOLOGY and used it to cross the seas at an astonishing CLOCK SPEED.
Soon Ha-NEUMAN DOWNLOADED himself into LAN-ka.
After doing some local SEARCH, Ha-NEUMAN found 'C'ta weeping under a TREE STRUCTURE.
Ha-NEUMAN used a LOGIN ID (ring) to identify himself to 'C'ta.
After DECRYPTING THE KEY, 'C'ta believed in him and asked him to send a STATUS _OK MESSAGE to RAM.
Meanwhile all the raakshasa BUGS around 'C'ta captured Ha-NEUMAN and tried to DELETE him using pyro-techniques.

But Ha-NEUMAN managed to spread chaos by spreading the VIRUS 'Fire'.
Ha-NEUMAN happily pressed ESCAPE from LAN-ka and conveyed all the STATUS MESSAGES to RAM an d SU-greev.
RAW-wan decided to take the all powerful RAM head-on and prepared for the battle.
One of the RAW-wan's SUN (son) almost DELETED RAM and LSI-man with a powerful brahma-astra.
But Ha-NEUMAN resorted to some ACTIVE-X gradients and REBOOTED RAM andLSI-man.
RAM used the SOURCE CODE secrets of RAW-wan and once for all wiped out RAW-wan's presense on earth.

After the battle, RAM got INSTALLED in I/O-dhya andspreaded his MICROSOFT WORKS and other USER FRIENDLY PROGRAMS to all USERS and every one livedhappily everafter.

Read More

Funeral

One of the city’s top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses. When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said their goodbyes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again. It was a majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist.

Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter. Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "Why are you laughing, Mister?"

"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied,
"I'm a gynecologist"

Read More

Trojan Ecstasy

Read More

Blind Salesman

A lady goes into the local sporting goods store to buy a fishing rod to give to her husband for his birthday.

A salesman wearing dark glasses with a dog is behind the counter and asks, "Can I help you ma'am?"

"Well, I'd like to buy a fishing rod, can you tell me about this one?" she answers.

The salesman replies, "I'm sorry ma'am but I am blind and can not see the rod your referring too. However, if you'll drop it on the counter I'll tell you all about it as I can tell from the sound it makes."

The lady picks up the rod, and does what he says and drops it on the counter.

He belts "That's a Zebco 2500, fiberglass, 6.5', medium action - $15."

Lady - "Wow!" She finds another and does the same.

"Thats an Orion 35 C, graphite, 6', light action - best used with ultralight tackle - $20."

Very impressed the lady decides to buy the second one.

As the man is ringing up the sale, the lady makes a rather large noise as she passes gas but feels no need to apologize as the salesman is blind and has no idea who she is.

Salesman says, "That'll be $25."
"TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS!? YOU SAID $20?"
"That's right mam, $20 for the rod, $3 for the duck call, and $2 for the fish bait."

Read More

Old Mendel Rugelbaum

Old Mendel Rugelbaum was very old and suffering from a rare disease and his doctor told him could drink only human milk.

"How can I get human milk?" Mendel asked the doctor.

"Well, Ruby Finkelstein's just had a baby, maybe she'll help."

So every day Mendel went to Ruby's house for his daily feed. Ruby was a dark eyed, big breasted lady, who, in spite of herself, gradually became aroused as Mendel lapped at her ripe breasts. One day as he quietly lay sucking, she whispered to him, " Tell me Mr. Rugelbaum, do you like it?"

"Mmmm, wonderful," he sighed.

"Is there," she hesitated, her lips parted, eyes aglow, "is there anything else you'd like?"

"As a matter of fact there is," murmured Mendel.

"What?" Ruby asked breathlessly.

Mendel licked his lips. "Maybe a little cookie?"

Read More

Respect

This guy is really horny, but all he has is two dollars. He goes to the nearest whore house and says to the man working there, "Look, I`m really horny, but all I have is two dollars. What can I get?"
"Well, the cheapest we have is one hundred dollars. But I`ll cut you a deal on two conditions. For two dollars, I`ll let you go down two doors on the right, but you have to wear a black condom, and leave the lights out!"

"A while later he comes back out and says "Well, the sex was pretty good but why did I have to wear the black condom?"

"You gotta show some respect for the dead!"

Read More

Womens' Arse Size Study

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their arses. The results were pretty interesting:

30% of women think their arse is too fat.............

10% of women think their arse is too skinny......

The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world.

Read More

Top 10 Lovemaking Tips For Seniors

1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember it.
6. Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed or between the thighs.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

Read More

Dictionary for women

• Argument (AR*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
• Airhead (ER*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
• Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."
• Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
• Cantaloupe (Kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
• Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
• Diet Soda (dy*it so*DA) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
• Eternity (e*ter*in*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
• Exercise (ex*ER*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
• Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
• Hair Dresser (hare dres*ER) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
• Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
• Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."
• Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
• Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
• Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
• Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
• Valentine's Day (Val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card

Read More

Not exactly

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the check-out counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight", the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for my brother, he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one.

Read More

Male Sensivity Test

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You carefully pace yourself to time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN II Drag Racing.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The very best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no consequence to how you love her and your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym if she'd like to.
C. A very conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. An important model to strive for
B. A myth or an oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "This time together has been meaningful for me. I hope we can be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time, understanding, and gentle encouragement before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.


Evaluating Results:
* If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check inside your pants to be sure you ARE a man.
* If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy.
* If you answered "C" more than 7 times, YOU DA MAN!

Read More

Murphy's Real Laws

• Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
• It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.
• Just remember if it wasn't for gravity, we'd all fall off.
• The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
• It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
• You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
• Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population.
• If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
• The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking.
• Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
• The shinbone is a device for finding furniture.
• A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
• It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
• Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
• I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
• I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
• When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Read More

Computerised Version of a Sex Crazed Boss

A secretary complained about her boss.....

She said, "My boss is so sex-crazed". Every time he comes into the office, I must do the LAPTOP position and then the DESKTOP position, followed by the SPREADSHEET format.

I must LOAD UP his SOFT DISK into a HARD DISK, so that he can INSERT in my C DRIVE and then the A DRIVE, which is most uncomfortable. Then he'll ask me to EJECT his SOFTWARE outside my C DRIVE so that he is VIRUS FREE.

Then he changes his mind and decides to ENTER, ENTER, ENTER the whole day till he is in MICROSOFT stage.


Many a times he works without CAPLOCKS (without "CAP" or HELMET) and sometimes as an ALTERNATIVE he CRASHES my SYSTEM until he looses his CTRL and he LOGS IN....

This process continues until I ZIP him and SHUTDOWN his main SYSTEM....

Read More

Diary of Blonde Wife

*Monday:*

Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.

*Tuesday:*

We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad.

*Wednesday:*

I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the day. I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.

*Thursday:*

Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why? He must be stressed at work, I'll try to be supportive.

*Friday:*

Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did,to my mum's place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again, it looked the same as when I left it.

*Saturday:*

Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and it's little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because of his work,or he wanted the chicken to dance. When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting out "why me? why me ?" Hmmm....It must be his job.

Read More

Santa at an IAS Interview

One young man went for an IAS Interview.

"When did India get independence?" He was asked.

"The efforts began a few years earlier and final result was in 1947" He replied.

"Who was responsible for our independence?"

"There were so many. Whom to mention? If I name one, it will be a injustice to another." He replied.

"Is corruption the number one enemy in our country?"

"Some research is going on the subject and I can answer with certainity only after seeing the report" He replied.

The interview board was very pleased with his original and thoughtful answers and asked him not to reveal the questions to others, since they were planning to ask the same questions.


When he went out naturally others were curious to know what was asked. He politely declined, but one persistent Santa would not leave him. "At least tell me the answers" he pleaded, and our friend obliged.

Then it was the turn of this Santa. When he went inside, since his resume was slightly illegible, the board member asked him." By the way, what is your date of birth?"

He replied, "The effort began a few years earlier and final result was in 1947."

Somewhat puzzled, they asked another clarification. "What is your fathers name?"

He replied, "There were so many. Whom to mention". If I name one, it will be injustice to another".

The interviewer was incensed.

"Hey! Are you mad or what?"

He replied. "Some research is going on the subject. I can answer with certainty only after seeing the report."

Read More

Masturbation Joke

Read More

Why do you say that?

You know that Mary Jane that lives down the road is a cheat", declared Jenni's little boy.

"Why do you say that?", Jenni asked.

The boy reported, "Well she said she'd show me hers if I showed her mine- but it turned out she hasn't got one!

Read More

Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean.

He went out and cornered a small monkey, and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!"

Later, the lion confronts an ox and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon.

The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and rambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"

Read More

The Wish

One day, down in the mystical forest, a magical frog was hopping towards a water hole. The forest was so enormous that the frog had never laid eyes on another animal before. But today, by chance a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop and said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant both of you three wishes. Bear, you can go first." The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for such idiotic items, because after all, he could have asked for money and bought the bike.

For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, apart from me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, roared the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."

Read More

I'll give it a try

A very well-built young lady was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."

The shrink thought for a moment and said... "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"

The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says... "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"

Read More

American And Iraqi Soldiers

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi border. To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along the road. A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, who was still barely alive.

They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash!'

He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'Bush is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash too!'"

"We were standing there shaking hands in the middle of the road when the truck hit us

Read More

Difference between appraisal and resignation

A newly joined trainee engineer asks his boss "what is the meaning of appraisal?"
Boss: "Do you know the meaning of resignation? "
Trainee: "Yes I do"
Boss: "So let me make you understand what a appraisal is by comparing it with resignation"

Comparison study : Appraisal and Resignation

**********

In appraisal meeting they will speak only about your weakness, errors and failures.
In resignation meeting they will speak only about your strengths, past achievements and success.

**********

In appraisal you may need to cry and beg for even 10% hike.
In resignation you can easily demand (or get even without asking) more than 50-60% hike.

**********

During appraisal, they will deny promotion saying you didn't meet the expectation, you don't have leadership qualities, and you had several drawbacks in our objective/goal.
During resignation, they will say you are the core member of team; you are the vision of the company how can you go, you have to take the project in shoulder and lead your juniors to success.

**********

There is 90% chance for not getting any significant incentives after appraisal.
There is 90% chance of getting immediate hike after you put the resignation.

**********

Trainee: "Yes boss enough, now I understood my future. For an appraisal I will have to resign ... !!!"

Read More

Obviously for girls

Read More

What would you like to hear

Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you're in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I'd like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I'd like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I'd like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!"

Read More

Who is the most obedient?

There was a father who called his 5 small children together.

As the sat together in a circle on the floor the dad placed a toy in the middle.

He explained to them that he won this toy as a door prize and he wanted to give it to one of them.

He asked them "who is the most obedient?"

Five sets of eyes looked up at him.

Sensing that they didn't understand the word he then asked, "ok, who always obeys mommy, and does everything she says?"

One of the children picked up the toy and handed it to the father. "You win!" exclaimed the child.

Read More

Doesn't matter Sonny

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.

Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

Read More

Sean and Jason

Sean and Jason were in a bar, and they went into the toilet to take a leak.

While standing at the urinal Sean confessed, “I wish I had a dick like my cousin James. He needs four fingers to hold his.”

Jason looked over and pointed out, “But you’re holding yours with four fingers.”

“I know,” said Sean, “but I’m peeing on three of them.”

Read More

Seagull and Toilet Paper

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were walking along the beach. A seagull flies over and craps all over the blonde. The brunette says in a disgusted voice, "Hang on. The bathroom is just up the hill. I'll go get some toilet paper."

After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh. The redhead says, "What's so funny?" The blonde says, "Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and look at her! By the time she gets back with that toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!"

Read More

Truth or Slap!

Kyle's Dad brought home a robot one day.

The robot had the ability to detect lies and would slap the person who lied.

When Kyle returned late from school. Dad asked, Son why are you late from school'?
Dad, we had extra classes today,
Robot slapped Kyle on his face.
Dad shouted, "Come on tell me the truth, why are you late?"
Dad, I went to see the movie 'Ten Commandments'
Robot slapped Kyle on his face.

Sorry dad, I went to see the movie "Red Hot Queen".
"Shame on you son, when I was your age..
I never watched obscene movies or misbehaved"
Immediately, Dad gets a slap on the face from the robot.

Kyle's mom comes walking out of the kitchen and says to her husband,
"After all, he's your son!"

The robot slaps the mom.

Read More

Young Mwangi

Young Mwangi was appointed sales person at a local General Dealer's store in Kampala .

While on one of his shifts, a lady approached him and asked if they had peach jam to which he bluntly replied, "Out of stock." At this, the lady immediately turned to leave the shop in disgruntlement.

It was then that the shopkeeper, who had been looking on, called Mwangi aside and told him, "When a customer asks for a product that is out of stock, you apologize for its unavailability, and then offer other types of the same product. For instance in this case it was peach jam; offer other types of jam like plum jam, guava jam and so on."

Next, came in another lady who asked for toilet paper and Mwangi politely replied, "I am sorry ma'am, we do not have any toilet paper right now but you could try carbon paper, manila paper or sand paper!

Read More

Redneck Motor Cycle

Read More

Beef tongue

A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher's counter. The lady asks, "What in the world is that?"

" Beef tongue," replies the butcher!

The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, "No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal's mouth!"

The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman's shopping cart, "I see you're buying a dozen eggs!"

Read More

Operated for appendicitis

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.

Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs."

The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.

And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs.

Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.

Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"

Read More

What is your Ninja Name

Read More

Fact

Read More

Area 51

Read More

What should I do?

"Doctor, Doctor!" exclaimed the man. "There's something terribly wrong with my digestive system. When I eat bananas, bananas come out the other end. When I eat apples, apples come out the other end. What should I do?"

"Simple," the doctor replied. "Eat sh*t."

Read More

Putting the dogs to sleep

Three people, 2 men and 1 woman, and their dogs are in the Vets waiting room. The first man's dog asked the second man's dog what he's there for.

They are putting me down. Oh no, says the first dog, why?

The second dog says,"Well, you see... I've been chasing the Postman for years. Yesterday, I finally caught him, and bit him. So, I'm going to be put to sleep.

The second dog says, "Well, my master just completely remodeled the inside of his house. I didn't like it because my scent wasn't anywhere, anymore. So, when he went to bed last night, I pissed on everything I could find, to get my scent back. This morning, my master found out what I had done, so he is putting me to sleep also.

The third dog said, This is my masters new girlfriend. She runs around the house all the time without her clothes. This makes me very horny. So, this morning, as she was getting out of the shower, and bent over to wipe up the water on the floor. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I jumped on her a gave it to her good!"

The other dogs say, " so that's why they are putting you to sleep?" No says the dog, "She is bringing me here to get my toe nails clipped!"

Read More

Man and his Mistress - Hilarious Joke

For several years, a man had been having an affair with his mistress.

One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child.

Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back when the child was born.

He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin.

One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey,' she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later, he said.

The wife did and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted...

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce!

Read More

My wife needs me to help

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"

Read More

Smart Dog

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are.
The first man was an engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, "T-square, do your stuff!". T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff!". Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff!". Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured ex actly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

The three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?".

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!". Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.

Read More

How to ask for Salary Hike

One day you send a letter to your boss asking for an increase in your salary !

Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need$ ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company .
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,




The next day, you received this letter of reply :

Oh my dear:


I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet .

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the
NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,
Manager

Read More

Clearing a Wedgie

Read More

Some Republicans

Read More

Are your free tonight?

A cute, good looking secretary came angrily out of the boss's cabin......

A colleague asked : "What happened? "

She replied : "He asked if I am free tonight?'"

I said: "Yes." .....

.... And the bugger gave me 50 pages to type !!!

Read More

Little Johnny learns about medicines

At school little Johnny learns about medicines.
The lady teacher asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.

The first pupil said: Tylenol?
Very good! And what is it used for?
It is used for headache.

The second pupil said: Nytol
Excellent. And what it is used for?
To help you sleep.

Now it is Johnny's turn and he said:Viagra
Johnny. What is it used for?
I think it can be used for diarrhea.
Who told you this?
Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father 'take a Viagra, maybe that little sh*t will get harder'.

Read More

Teacher Headaches

The teacher walked into the classroom to find words like "cunt" and "cock" scrawled all over the blackboard.
"Children," she said, addressing the classroom, "you are much too young to use vile language like that.
Now we're all going to close our eyes and count up to fifty.
Then, while our eyes are closed, I want the little boy or girl who wrote those words on the board to tiptoe up and erase them."
At the signal, the teacher and the children all closed their eyes.
Then the teacher counted out loud, very slowly.
When she reached fifty, she said, "All right. Everybody open their eyes."
All eyes went to the blackboard. None of the words were erased.
But below them was the message: "Fuck you, teacher! The Phantom strikes again!"

Read More

But it's not from any man in this office

A blonde, a brunette and a red head are in the copy room of their office building when the red head goes over to the corner of the room.

She stands with a puzzled look on her face for a second then says 'This looks like a semen stain'.

The brunette walks over to look as well as touch the stain. She says 'Looks and feels like semen.'

The blonde comes over, looks at, touches, then tastes the stain. She says 'looks like it, feels like it and tastes like it, but it's not from any man in this office.'

Read More

Authentic Skull of Saint Patrick

An American tourist traveling in Limerick came across a little antique shop in which he was lucky enough to pick up, for a mere £150, the skull of Saint Patrick. Included in the price was a certificate of the skull's authenticity, signed by Saint Patrick himself.
Ten years later the tourist returned to Ireland and asked the antique shop owner if he had any more bargains.
"I've got the very thing for you," said the Irishman. "It's the genuine skull of Saint Patrick".
"You swindler," said the American. "You sold me that ten years ago," and, producing the skull, added, "Look, they're not even the same size".
"You have it all wrong," said the Irishman. "This is the skull of Saint Patrick when he was a lad".

Read More

Waist

Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called a waist?

Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

Read More

I said get off my lawn

Read More

You’ve got to keep that old motor running

It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl.
After a year she went into the hospital to give birth.
The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. “This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?”
He answered, “You’ve got to keep that old motor running.”
The following year she gave birth again.
The same nurse said, “You really are amazing. How do you do it?”
He again said, “You’ve got to keep the old motor running.”
The same thing happened the next year.
The nurse said, “You must be quite a man.”
He responded, “You’ve got to keep that old motor running.”
The nurse then said, “Well, you had better change the oil, this one’s black.”

Read More

4-letter words

Rupert and Elaine, a young couple, got married and went happily on their honeymoon.

When they got back, Elaine immediately 'phoned her mother and her mother obviously asked, 'How was the honeymoon, dearest?'

'Oh, Ma,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful. So romantic...'

Then Elaine burst out crying. 'But, Ma, as soon as we returned home Rupert started using the most ghastly language... saying things I've never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Ma.'

'Calm down, Elaine!,' said her mother, 'Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?'

Still sobbing, Elaine whispered, 'Oh, Ma...words like dust, wash, cook, and iron.'

Read More

I can't get out of my room

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Read More

Rajinikant Google

Read More

Rule 34 no exceptions

Read More

Regrets

Read More

Midget A Team

Read More

Hamburger Joke

Read More

Facebook Photo

Read More

Cheapest Apple Mac

Read More

The Black Rider

Mujo comes to the wild west, and tired from his trip, goes to a saloon to have a beer. As soon as he gets in, he sees everybody else leaving in a hurry. He leans on counter and asks the bartender, "What's happening?"

"Don't you know? The black rider will be here in a few minutes."

Mujo asks, "Who the f*ck is the black rider?"

The bartender replies, "I can't believe you don't know. He's the most dangerous guy I've ever seen. You better get lost before he gets here, or god knows what he will do if he finds you here. I'm just about to leave myself"

Mujo thinks, "F*ck the black rider. I'll stay here and have my beer in peace, and when he comes, I'll show him." So there's Mujo all alone in the bar drinking his beer, everybody's gone already, so the whole place is a bit creepy. All of the sudden he hears some steps outside of the saloon, the door opens, and a 6 ft 5" tall man comes in, all dressed in black, black hat, black shirt, black cowboy boots. Mujo can feel his knees tremble - the black rider is here!

The man leans on the counter and says, "Hey, you!"

Mujo stammers, "Wwwhhho mmme?"

"Yes you, come over here" the man demands.

Mujo comes. "Yes, sir, how can I help you sir?" His voice is shaking, and he can barely stand.

The man says, "Blow me."

Mujo thinks, what else can he do -- that's the black rider he's talking to and he can kill him any second, so he starts doing the job .

The man starts moaning.

Muko asks, "Is everything OK sir?"

The man replies, "Yes, it's OK. But just hurry up a bit, the black rider will be here any minute, and then we're both dead."

Read More

Diggin a grave

Two privates stationed at Fort Campbell were handed shovels and told to bury a large, dead animal. While digging they got into an argument about what they were burying. “This here’s a big mule!”


“This ain’t no mule, this here’s a donkey.”

“Mule!”


“Donkey!”


Well, this went on for a while until the camp chaplain came by. “What are you boys doing?”


“We’re diggin’ a grave for this mule.”


“Donkey, dammit!”


The chaplain cut in, “Boys, this isn’t either one, it’s an ass.”


An hour later, the camp commander came up and said, “What are you men doing, digging a foxhole?”


“No sir. We’re diggin’ an asshole.”

Read More

I'm in love with my horse

"I'm in love with my horse," the nervous man told his psychiatrist.

"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog that we are very attached to."

"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel, ummm... 'physically' attracted to my horse."

"Hmmm," the doctor asked, "Is it male or female?"

"Female, of course!" the man replied. "What do you think I am...GAY???"

Read More

It reminded me of a peanut

Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frank Brown showed me his pee-pee today!"

Before the mother could register her concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut"

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mother asked,
"Why? Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No...salty"

Read More