New room please

After a heavy night at the pub, a drunk decides to sleep it off at a local hotel. He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite.

Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed. "But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel." "I insist on another room!!!" said the drunk.

"Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk. "Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

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What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question.

If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my grade as it is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterward, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

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Beer Troubleshooting

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to gent’s room, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training. Demand beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

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How To Come Home Drunk?

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up, and yells at me for staying out so late!

"His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say, WHO'S HORNY???? and .............
she acts like she's sound asleep!"

Works Every Time!

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Human Resource Lingo

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

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Stanley the Sperm

Stanley the Sperm decided he was going to be "the one". He practiced swimming every day, trying to build up his speed and endurance. He also started asking all kinds of questions. "How will I know the egg? What does it look like? What does it smell like?"

One crusty old sperm who never made it out took a liking to Stanley. "Well", he said, "legend says the egg is easy to spot. She is big and round and the smell is heavenly. It is like a combination of all the flowers in the world and the scent is just overpowering. You can't miss her. They say you should just hit her head on and if she accepts you, you will be drawn in and together you will form a new person. "

The time came and Stanley felt himself being propelled down the shaft and into the void. He swam and swam, leading his fellow sperm by several lengths. Finally he rounded a corner and spotted the egg. Big and round, just like he had been told and dead ahead.

Shouting "I am Stanley the Sperm", he built up even more speed and rammed the egg head first. He immediately backed out spitting and snorting. "You smell like sh*t!!" he exclaimed.

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Prison's Not Such a Bad Place

It's a convict's first day in prison; he's a young convict and here's there crying.
An older convict sits down and goes, 'Look, calm down, prison's not such a bad place.
Like, for instance, do you like movies?' And he goes, 'Yeah I like movies.'
He goes, 'Every Monday we show a movie on the screen, first run movie.' He goes, 'That's great.'
He goes, 'And you like baseball?' He goes, 'Yeah.'
'Every Tuesday we arrange a baseball game.' He goes, 'That's terrific.'
And he goes, 'You like Italian food?' And he goes, 'Yeah I love Italian food.'
He goes, 'In the cafeteria on Wednesday, it's all Italian food.
Let me ask you one more thing. Are you a homosexual?' And he goes, 'No.'
He goes, 'Eh, you're not going to like Thursday.'

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Lawyer at the stop sign in Texas

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston , TX .

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer...

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy License and registration, please.'

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats..

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket... If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the shit out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

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Sahara Forest

A Canadian lumber camp advertises for a lumberjack. A skinny little guy shows up at the camp the next day carrying an axe.

The head lumberjack takes one look at the puny little guy and tells him to get lost.

"Give me a chance to show you what I can do," says the skinny guy.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" says the head lumberjack. "Take your axe and cut it down."

The guy heads for the tree, and in five minutes he's knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," says the guy.

The lumberjack can't believe his eyes and says, "Where did you learn to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," says the puny man.

"You mean the Sahara Desert," says the lumberjack.

"Sure......That's what they call it now!"

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Prostate Exams

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Backup

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Funny Computer Questions

A woman called the Hewlett-Packard (HP) help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was “running it under Windows.” The woman responded, “No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.”

Tech Support: “How much free space do you have on your hard drive?”
Customer: “Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?”

Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: “I’d like a mouse mat, please.”
Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we’ve got a large variety.”
Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”

Customer: “Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?”
Customer: “So that’ll get me connected to the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Yeah.”
Customer: “And that’s the latest version of the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Uhh…uh…uh…yeah.”

Customer: “My computer crashed!”
Tech Support: “It crashed?”
Customer: “Yeah, it won’t let me play my game.”
Tech Support: “Alright, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.”
Customer: “No, it didn’t crash — it crashed.”
Tech Support: “Huh?”
Customer: “I crashed my game. That’s what I said before. Now it doesn’t work.”
Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.
Tech Support: “Click on ‘File,’ then ‘New Game.’”
Customer: [pause] “Wow! How’d you learn how to do that?”

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EYE KNEE - THE RAKE

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower.
The man realizes that he can't find the rake.
He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"
She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?"
The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion.
The wife is not sure and says, "What? and the man repeats his gestures. "EYE KNEE - THE RAKE"
The wife replies that she understands and signals back.
She first points to her eye, next she points to her left bre*st, then she points to her butt, and finally to her cro*tch.
Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one.
Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her "What in the hell was that?"
She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH"

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The Twelve Days of a Redneck Christmas

On my first day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
Some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my second day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my third day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my forth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my fifth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
5 TURKEY WINGS
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my sixth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my seventh day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my eighth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my ninth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
9 years probation
8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my tenth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
10 Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my eleventh day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
11 rasslin tickets
10 Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my twelfth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,

12 pack of Bud
11 rasslin tickets
10 Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

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Sharks!!

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?

Why did we swim around and around them?

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

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Masturbation Joke

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Erection Joke

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I want my breakfast served

The first morning after the honeymoon, the husband got up early, went down to the kitchen, and brought his wife her breakfast in bed. Naturally, she was delighted.

Then he spoke: "Have you noticed just what I have done?"

"Of course, dear. Every single detail!"

"Good. That's how I want my breakfast served every morning."

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Eastern or Pacific

I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open.
I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

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Interesting Management Story

It’s a fine sunny day in the forest and a lion is sitting outside his cave, lying lazily in the sun. Along comes a fox, out on a walk.

Fox: “Do you know the time, because my watch is broken”
Lion: “Oh, I can easily fix the watch for you”

Fox: “Hmm… But it’s a very complicated mechanism, and your big claws will only destroy it even more.”
Lion: “Oh no, give it to me, and it will be fixed”

Fox: “That’s ridiculous! Any fool knows that lazy lions with great claws cannot fix complicated watches”
Lion: “Sure they do, give it to me and it will be fixed”

The lion disappears into his cave, and after a while he comes back with the watch which is running perfectly. The fox is impressed, and the lion continues to lie lazily in the sun, looking very pleased with himself.

Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the lazy lion in the sun.

Wolf: “Can I come and watch TV tonight with you, because mine is broken”
Lion: “Oh, I can easily fix your TV for you”

Wolf: “You don’t expect me to believe such rubbish, do you? There is no way that a lazy lion with big claws can fix a complicated TV.
Lion: “No problem. Do you want to try it?”

The lion goes into his cave, and after a while comes back with a perfectly fixed TV. The wolf goes away happily and amazed.

Scene:
Inside the lion’s cave. In one corner are half a dozen small and intelligent looking rabbits who are busily doing very complicated work with very detailed instruments. In the other corner lies a huge lion looking very pleased with himself.

The moral of this story:

•IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY A MANAGER IS FAMOUS; LOOK AT THE WORK OF HIS SUBORDINATES.

Management Lesson in the context of the working world:

•IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY SOMEONE UNDESERVED IS PROMOTED; LOOK AT THE WORK OF HIS SUBORDINATES.

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SCHOOL, College and COMPANY...

School:
Two books for one subject.

College:
One book for all subjects.

Company:
Books? what is it? Only follow standards.


School:
A White pipe in teacher's hand - CHALK

College:
A White pipe in student's hand CIGARETTE

Company:
A White pipe in employee's hand 100% CIGARETTE


School:
Most Frequent letter- LEAVE LETTER

College:
Most Frequent letter- LOVE LETTER

Company:
Most Frequent letter- RESIGNATION LETTER


School:
If we go it's boring.

College:
If we don't go it's boring.

Company:
Go/don't go, it's boring

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Team Hoyt - Please Donate

Please click on image to make donations

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The Nervous New Priest

A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook. 
8. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.. 
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 
10. We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say,"Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

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Wake up, son

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52-years-old. And for another, you're the Principal!"

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A Trucker and Suicide Girl

A Trucker driving on a bridge noticed an young good looking girl going to jump off the bridge. He stops truck and rushes to save the girl, holds her and asked "What are you doing?".

The girl says, "I am trying to commit suicide and nothing can stop me or save me."

Truck driver was greatly attracted, did not find any solution to save her, asked, "Well before you jump off let us kiss as if there is no tomorrow."

The girl agreed and they kissed and kissed, french style and all.

After she's finished, the trucker says, "Wow! You are a great kisser, You are wasting a great talent. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't support me dressing up in a girl's dress"

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Dirty Girlfriend

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Is She Wet?

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Hooters

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Breast Enhancement Cookies

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How did the human race start?

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race start?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, And so all mankind was made."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race Was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

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Friendship

Friendship Among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next day, she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The husband called his wife's 10 best friends.
Not one of them knew anything about it.

Friendship Among Men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next day, he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house.
The wife called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.

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Dracula and Bat

Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side.
So all the bats were honored to take part.
The rules were simple.
Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner?

So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes.
Her mouth was full of blood.
Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?"
The bat said: "Do you see that tower?
Behind it there is a house.
I went in and sucked the blood of all the family".
"Very good" said Dracula.

The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood.
Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?"
The bat replies " Do you see that tower?
Behind it there is a school.
I went in and drunk the blood of all the children".
"Impressive" said Dracula.

Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe.
Dracula is stunned.
"How on earth did you do that????" he asked.
And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?"
Dracula replies with a yes.
And the bat says "Well, I didn't".

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Shepherd

There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over.
"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?"
"Sure," said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382". "Wow!" said the herder.
"That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.
Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".
"What is it?" queried the woman.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

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Performance review quotes:-

• I would not allow this employee to breed.
• This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be.
• Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
• When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.
• He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
• This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
• He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
• This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
• This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.
• Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
• Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.
• A room temperature IQ.
• Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.
• A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
• A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
• A prime candidate for natural deselection.
• Bright as Alaska in December.
• One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
• Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
• Fell out of the family tree.
• Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
• Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for it.
• He's so dense, light bends around him.
• If brains were taxed, she'd get a refund.
• If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
• If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change.
• If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
• It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
• One neurone short of a synapse.
• Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
• Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.
• Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
• Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
• His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

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Guess what we are eating

Once there was a family who was given some venison by a friend. The wife cooked up the deer steaks, and served it to the husband and children.
The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating.
"Is is beef?" The daughter Katie asked.
"Nope."
"Is it pork?" the son Willie asked.
"Nope."
"Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Willie exclaimed.
"I'll give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."
"Spit it out, Willie!" cried Katie, "We're eating Asshole!!"

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Redneck Smart Car

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Latest Nokia 8800

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Five Dollars Difference

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Bestiality

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Wrinkles

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.
He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.
"You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed.
"What do you think we ought to do with it?"
With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."

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Trivial Pursuit

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science and Nature.

Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

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Old Geezers

Three geezers are sitting on a porch in Miami Beach.

Suddenly the first sighs and says, "Gentlemen, isn't life horrible. Here I am at an age that I can afford the best steaks and what? Bad teeth and gums. I have to eat ground or soft foods.

"The second answers, "Yeah, life is a real bummer. Why here I am at an age where I can buy the finest wines, champagne but what? Ulcers, I have to drink milk.

"The third sighs loudly and adds, "Gentlemen, I know exactly what you mean. Last night at 2 am I nudged my wife and asked her if she's interested. She screams at me, "What is wrong with you Sam? We just got finished doing it for the second time tonight!"

After a long pause the first man says, "So what is your problem?"
The third one grunts and says, "Can't you see? My memory is going."

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Shut the f*** up!

A guy finally gets hitched with his long time sweetheart. Right from the first night of their honeymoon, he was gravely concerned about the unfortunate size of his small dick. He decided the best thing he could do was to substitute his dick with a pickle, hoping this would satisfy his new wife. After a week of humping her with the pickle, it was clear that the pickle solved the problem.

Elapse seven years later, he still used a pickle instead of his tiny dick, but not without growing concern he would one day be caught.

One night, while the two were fornicating, something made thewife suspicious that all was not perfect. She quickly threw the cover and turned on the lights. Looking down at the pickle in his hand the wife shouted, “What the hell is that! Are you using a pickle on me? I am shocked, and for seven years you have been doing that… you piece of shit!” The man responded loudly, “Shut the fuck up! It’s been seven years and I never asked where the hell all those kids came from!”

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Who is this?

Pupil (on phone): "My son has a bad cold and won't be able to come to school today."

School Secretary: "Who is this?"

Pupil: "This is my father speaking!"

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The Bet

A guy walks into a wh*rehouse and tells one of the girls he wants a bl*wjob. The girl takes him to a room and proceeds suck him off without a condom. While she does so, the guy sees a half-full bucket of sperm beside the bed.

He disregards the strange site as he enjoys the best blowjob of his life. A second later, he shoots long lines of semen into her mouth. She takes every drop, but instead of swallowing, she spits the cum into that bucket.

The guy wonders aloud, "Don't like swallowing spuzz, huh?"

She wipes her mouth and replies, "Another girl and I have a bet.
Whoever fills up a bucket first gets to drink both buckets."

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Redneck Logic

Two Rednecks, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Larry turns to Doug and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.'

Doug thinks it's a good idea and the two leave.

The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for four basic classes: Math, English, History and Logic.
'Logic?,' Larry says. 'What's that?'

The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'
'Yeah.'

'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'
'That's true, I do have a yard.'

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'
'Yes, I do have a house.'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'
'Yes, I have a family.

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'

'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'

Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar.
He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Doug says, 'What's that?'
Larry says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'
'No.'
'Then you're gay.'

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Secrect way of Fishing

A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious, the man rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?"

"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."

"Wow! Does that really work?"

"You bet it does."

"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."

"Well, okay."

After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?"

"You're the sixth," he said.

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Boy needs some relief

A man notices his thirteen-year-old son has been walking around for a week with a hard-on in his pants, and figures the boy needs some relief. He gives the kid twenty dollars and says: "Take this to the whorehouse at the other end of town, and have some fun."

Well, the whorehouse is a good hour walk each way, but the boy returns in only 45 minutes. The father says: "where were you?"

"Well," says the boy, "when I walked by Grandma's house she asked where I was going and I told her. She said, 'why don't you just come in here instead, and I'll do you for free.' So that's what I did."
The father, outraged, screams: "Are you telling me you f*cked my MOTHER?"
"What's the big deal," says the boy, "you f*ck mine!"

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Puzzle To Puzzle You

Ques. 1:

What is RED and goes TRING TRING TRING????

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A TOMATO...

AND THE "TRING TRING TRING" WAS TO CONFUSE YOU...

Anyway... Here s one more...

Ques 2 :

What is RED and goes TRING TRING TRING ????

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The DOOR BELL and the RED was to CONFUSE you...

Anyway... Here s one more...

What is RED and goes TRING TRING TRING ????
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A CAKE...

and both were to confuse you...

Anyway...
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What is RED and goes TRING TRING TRING ????
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A Fire Brigade Obviously...



U thought...
I was trying to Confuse You...

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How can I possibly repay you?

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the Skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' she replied,' I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'

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I like the way you think

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot"

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then, Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone" To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."

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A cut on my thumb

This fella was celebrating his 50th birthday.

So some friends from work took him to this great restaurant to celebrate his 50th birthday.

While sitting at his table, the waiter aproaches him to take his dinner "order". This birthday boy says,

"I'll have a thick steak and all the fixings to go along with it."

The waiter asks him if he'd care for a bowl of soup with his dinner and this fella says, that sounds "good".

The waiter goes back to the kitchen and after about 45 minutes returns with the ordered bowl of soup, but the birthday boy that ordered the soup noticed that the waiter had had his thumb in "his soup" during his return from the kitchen.

The fella that is celebrating his birthday looks at the waiter and says, I don't want "that soup! cause he did'nt know where that waiter had his hands last.

The waiter leans down and asks this fella, you see this cut on my thumb and the guy says yeh. Well my doctor told me to keep my thumb in a "warm,moist place" so it would heal quick.

The guy looks up at him and says, why don't you shove it up your ass and the waiter says, I DO !, when I'm in the kitchen!!.

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There's something wrong with my..

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"

"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.


*****Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!

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Police

Fred was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

Fred opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. Fred said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them.' Then he hung up. Within five minutes six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed . One of the Policemen said to Fred: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'

Fred said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

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I drinking too much coffee?

In the doctor’s office, a patient asks for advice, "Doctor, what should I do?
Every time I come home from work, I see some strange man in bed with my wife. When I start yelling at her, she just locks me in the kitchen and tells me to calm down and drink a cup of coffee. This has been happening every day for the last four months."
The Doctor replies, "So how can I help you?"
"I just want to know - am I drinking too much coffee?"

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What Is Your Business Sign?

Instead of Astrological Signs, how about these .. What's Your Business Sign?

1. MARKETING You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

2. SALES Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

3. TECHNOLOGY Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

4. ENGINEERING One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that engineers place ninety percent of all Personal Ads. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."

5. ACCOUNTING The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

6. HUMAN RESOURCES Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.

7. MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."

8. SENIOR MANAGEMENT (See above - Same sign, different title)

9. CUSTOMER SERVICE Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

10. CONSULTANT Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

11. RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER" As a "person" that profits from the success of others, most people who actually work for a living disdain you. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.

12. PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.

13. GOVERNMENT WORKER Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job...Thus the term "GO POSTAL".

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Smart Husband

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old woman would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave, and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'

Neighbours feared her.

They believed she practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old woman liked the fact that she was feared.

To everyone's relief, she died of a heart attack in the night when she was
65 yrs of age.Her husband had a closed coffin in the morning.

After the burial,he went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.

His neighbours, concerned for his safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave,and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?

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The husband put down his drink and said, 'Let her dig. I had her buried upside down

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Cherokee language

A Cherokee Indian was a special guest at an elementary school.
He talked to the children about his tribe and its traditions, then shared with them this fun fact: "There are no swear words in the Cherokee language."
One boy raised his hand, "But what if you're hammering a nail and accidentally smash your thumb?"
"That," the man answered, "is when we use your language.

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God is watching

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

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Cosmetic surgery

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."

The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my *sshole bleached!"

To which the first replies, "Whoa, I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

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The ugliest wife

These three guys are sitting at a bar arguing which one has the ugliest wife. The conversation begins to get heated to the point of the barkeeper telling them to get the hell out or shut up! In fact he says, "why don't you settle it once and for all and just visit each others house and decide for yourselves..."

Damn Good idea they agree, finish their drinks and make off for the first guys house.
Upon arriving he bangs on his door and the wife answers, she's not pretty and he turns to collect the bet from the other two. Not so fast says the second, I got that beat.

And off they go to his house... He bangs on the door and his wife comes to answer the door opens and all three step back in fright, she's damn ugly. He asks to collect the bet but the third guy says sorry I've got you both beat.

He goes to his house and walks right in, there's no sign of anyone around. He stomps his foot on the trap door in the floor and they all hear this voice say "Is that you honey?"
"Yeah it's me," he says.
"Do you want me to come out?" she asks
"Yes please," he says.
"Should I put the bag on my head?" she asks.
He says, "No. I don't want to f*uck you, I just want to show you off!"

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How to Identify different citizens of India

Scenario 1

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, sees them and walks on.

That's MUMBAI

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Scenario 2

Two guys are fighting. Both of them take time out and call their friends on

their mobiles. Now 50 guys are fighting.

You are definitely in PUNJAB !!!

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Scenario 3

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along and tries to make peace.

The first two get together and beat him up.

That's DELHI

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Scenario 4

Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch.

A guy comes along and quietly opens a Chai-stall.

That's AHMEDABAD

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Scenario 5

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes.

He writes a software program to stop the fight.

But the fight doesn't stop because of a virus in the program.

That's BANGALORE

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Scenario 6

Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch.

A guy comes along and quietly says that "AMMA" doesn't like all this
nonsense..

Peace settles in...

That's CHENNAI

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Scenario 7

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, then a fourth

and they start arguing about who's right.

You are in KOLKATA

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Scenario 8

Two guys are fighting. Third guy comes from nearby house and says,

"don't fight in front of my place, go zumwhere else and keep fighting".

That's KERALA !

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And the best one is ....

Scenario 9

Two guys are fighting. Third guy comes along with a carton of beer.

All sit together drinking beer and abusing each other and all go home as
friends.

You are in DIU or Goa!!!

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New Chairman for Microsoft Europe

Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for Microsoft Europe.
5000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is Arun Doshi an Indian (Gujrati) guy.

Bill Gates thanked all the candidates for coming and asking those who do notknow JAVA program to leave.2000 people leave the room.
Arun says to himself,'I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try'

Bill Gates asked the candidates who never had experience of managing morethan 100 people to leave. 2000 people leave the room.
Arun says to himself 'I never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?'So he stays.

Then Bill Gates asked candidates who do not have management diplomas to leave.
500 people leave the room.
Arun says to himself, 'I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?' So he stays in the room.

Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo-Croat toleave. 498 people leave the room.
Arun says to himself, ' I do not speak oneword of Serbo-Croat but what do I have to lose?' So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate.

Everyone else has gone.

Bill Gates joined them and said 'Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo-Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language.'

Calmly, Arun turns to the other candidate and says `kem chhho'

The other candidate answers 'ek dam majama'

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Stairway to Heaven

A redhead, brunette and blonde were on their way to Heaven.

God told them the stairway to Heaven was 1000 steps, and on every 5th step He’d tell them a joke. But, they must not laugh or else they couldn’t enter heaven.

The brunette went first and started laughing on the 65th step, so she could not enter Heaven.

The redhead went next and started laughing on the 320th step, so she could not enter Heaven either.

Then, it was the blonde’s turn. When she got to the 999th step, she started laughing.

“Why are you laughing?” God asked. “I didn’t tell a joke.”

“I know,” the blonde replied. “I just got the first one.”

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Pass gas

One day a boy was in the restaurant yesterday when he suddenly realized he desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so he timed his gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, he started to feel better. he finished his coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at him....

Then he suddenly remembered that he was listening to his iPod.

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One Word Changes The Meaning..

Professor Ernest Brennecke of Columbia is credited with inventing a sentence that can be made to have eight different meanings by placing ONE WORD in all possible positions in the sentence: "I hit him in the eye yesterday."
The word is "ONLY".


Hmm, sounds interesting?? Let's take a look it...

• ONLY I hit him in the eye yesterday. (No one else did.)
• I ONLY hit him in the eye yesterday. (Did not slap him.)
• I hit ONLY him in the eye yesterday. (I did not hit others.)
• I hit him ONLY in the eye yesterday. (I did not hit outside the eye.)
• I hit him in ONLY the eye yesterday. (Not other organs.)
• I hit him in the ONLY eye yesterday. (He doesn't have another eye.)
• I hit him in the eye ONLY yesterday. (Not today.)
• I hit him in the eye yesterday ONLY . (Did not wait for today.)

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Irish Army Camouflage Manual

An Excerpt taken from the "Irish Army Camouflage Manual"

1. When the soldier is moving through woodland, he's supposed to break off branches and put them on his helmet.

2. When he is moving through cornfields, he's to break off some cornstalks and put them on his helmet.

3. When the soldier is moving through a cabbage field he's supposed to take off his helmet for the best camouflage.

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The Old Dog

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back. He greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived as usual for his nap, but with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 He's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

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The fact's your legs are not that hollow as your head is

Doctor: Yes, what is it I can do for you?

Patient : Doctor, yesterday, when I was doing my yoga, one of my friends told me that if I did this particular exercise, all my body's blood would go into my head. But, when I stand, why doesn't anyone say that all the blood would go into the legs?

Doctor: The fact's your legs are not that hollow as your head is.

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General-in-training

There was this General-in-training , and his superiors were asking him questions
"What happened on June 6, 1944?"
"We stormed the beach at Normandy, which later became known as D-Day, sir!"
"What was the turning point of world war 2?"
"Battle of the bulge, sir!"
"What's is the importance of May 12" The Man thought and thought
"I don't know, sir!"
The superior then said "Well, I'll tell your wife that you forgot her birthday"

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Mothers's call

A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:
"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day.
Dianne has been quite difficult...
Yes, I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard.
Well, you know how she is.
Yes, I remember you warned me.
I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her.
You were perfectly right.
You want to speak with her? All right."
He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:
"Dianne, your mother wants to talk to you!"

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BB gun and BB's

One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BB's in the other. He tripped and the BB's, naturally, went right into the pot of beans.

Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.

The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"

Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?"

"Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat and I shot the canary!"

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Catholic Priest

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track.

Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.

Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

Bye and bye, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.

Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.

Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was standing.

Confronting the old priest he demanded, "Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it."

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "Son," he said, "that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites."

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Riding a bike

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home.

He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.

The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."

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Taxi Diver and Catholic Priest

Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where he is from, and what he did in life.

The man answers that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in New York City.

St. Peter looks through his book, then gives the man a luxurious silken robe and a golden staff, and bids him welcome into heaven for his eternal reward.

St. Peter then asks the second man the same questions. He replies that his name is Thomas O Malley, and that he was a Catholic priest in Chicago. St. Peter looks in his book, then gives him a cotton robe and a wooden staff, and bids him to enter into heaven for his eternal reward.

Father O Malley says, Wait a minute! Why did that taxi driver get a silken robe and golden staff while I, a Catholic Priest and a man of God, got a cotton robe and wooden staff?

St. Peter told him that the rewards in heaven are based on results, and while Father O Malley preached, people slept, but while John Smith drove, people prayed!

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Will you marry me?

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.

Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. No even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

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Who is it?

While visiting India , George Bush is invited to tea with Abdul Kalam.

He asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is. He says that, it is to surround himself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how he knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says Kalam. "Allow me to demonstrate. "

Bush watches as Kalam phones Manmohan Singh and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: Your mother has a child, andyour father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Manmohan immediately responds, "It's me, Sir !"

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye" says Kalam. He hangs up and says," Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes Mr. President. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put Condoleezza Rice to the test.
Bush summons her to the White House and says, "Condoleezza, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Rice was puzzled and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Rice leaves.

Rice immediately calls a meeting of senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Rice calls Colin Powell and explains the problem.

"Mr. Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Rice rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims,
"I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's our Colin Powell!"

"Wrong!" Bush replies in disgust "it's Manmohan Singh!"

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Mini Skirt

Mary: I'm sorry I'm a bit late! My cab driver almost had a wreck getting me here!
Jill: What happened?
Mary: The driver in front of him started to go when the light turned green, but he slammed on the brakes to look at a gal on the sidewalk who was wearing a mini-skirt. My driver almost hit him in the rear!
Jill: My goodness! How short was the skirt?
Mary: Well, she was wearing blue panties!

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You're gonna love hell

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he's wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon...

Demon: Why so glum?

Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!

Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and Fresca... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!

Guy: Gee that sounds great!

Demon: You a smoker?

Guy: You know it!

Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie- you're already dead, remember?

Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Why, yes I do.

Demon: Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well, you're dead anyhow.

Demon: You into drugs?

Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean?...

Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want; you're dead who cares! O.D.!!

Guy: WOW !! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!!

Demon: Are You gay?

Guy: No....

Demon: "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."

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Sneaky Diagnosis

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace the aging doctor there. The older doctor suggested that the younger doctor accompany him as he made his house calls so that the people of the community could become accustomed to him.

At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listened intently as the older doctor and an older lady discussed the weather, their grandchildren and the latest church bulletin.
After some time, the older doctor asked his patient how she had been feeling.
"I`ve been a little sick to my stomach," she replied.
"Well," said the older physician, "you`ve probably been over doing it a bit with the fresh fruit. Why don`t you cut back on the amount of fresh fruit you eat and see if that helps."

As they left the house, the younger doctor asked how the older doctor had reached his diagnosis so quickly.
"You didn`t even examine that woman," the younger doctor stated.
"I didn`t have to," the elder physician explain. "You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there. Well when I bent over to pick it up, I looked around and noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash can. That is probably what has been making her ill."
"That`s pretty sneaky," commented the younger doctor. "Do you mind if I try it at the next house?"
"I don`t suppose it could hurt anything," the elder physician replied.

At the next house, the two doctors visited with an elderly widow. They spent several minutes discussing the weather and grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After several minutes, the younger doctor asked the widow how she had been feeling lately.
"I`ve felt terribly run down lately," the widow replied. "I just don`t have as much energy as I used to."
"You`ve probably been doing too much work for the church,"
the younger doctor suggested without even examining his patient. "Perhaps you should ease up a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder physician said, "Your diagnosis is probably right, but do you mind telling me how you came to that conclusion?"
"Sure," replied the younger doctor. "Just like you, I dropped my stethoscope on the floor. When I bent down to pick it up, I looked around and there was the preacher hiding
under the bed!"

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It's going to be a very cold winter

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

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Sniffing dog

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador retriever between them.
The first man asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a sniffing dog.
"His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is," he said. "I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."
The plane took off, and once it had leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this." He told Sniffer to "search."
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy." He turned to the other man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number. The authorities will apprehend her when we land."
"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man. Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to his seat and placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."
The agent then told Sniffer to search again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent. He jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place. The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asked the agent, "What's going on?"
The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"

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Haircut

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded, dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are rude, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

"He said, 'Where'd you get the lousy haircut?'"

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Funny Doctors' stories

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr.Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart"

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada.

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked."The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk,VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?"
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass". Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

Submitted by RN no name.

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".

Doctor wouldn't submit his name.

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Coffee Break

A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in.
In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room."
In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses. Guy says no again.
Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries.
The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee.
On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"

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Arabic ads

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.

A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?".

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...

First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... Totally exhausted and panting. Second poster, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place".

"That should have worked," said the friend.

The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realise that Arabs Read from Right to Left..."

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Wife's car accident

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.

"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks.
"Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"
The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."
"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?"
Dr. Smith says "Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her."

Mr. Jones begins to sob. "And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."
Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. "Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."

Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.
The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly."

Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.

Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. "Hey, I'm just fooling with you, she's dead."

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Height of Flagpole

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.

Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches. Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length.'

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Love dress

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally nak*ed.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
'What are you doing?' she asked.
'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered.
'But you're nak*ed!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.
'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.
'Love dress? But you're nak*ed!''
Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained.
'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
'What are you doing?' he asked. 'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.
'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'

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The End is Near

A priest and pastor from the local parishes were standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that read, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"

They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. As the first driver sped past, he yelled, "Leave us alone...we don't believe in that religious stuff!"

From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. One clergyman said to the other, "Do you think we should just put up a sign that says, 'Bridge Out' instead?"

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During the birth

"Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician solicitously.
"Nah," replied the blonde mother to be.
"He and my husband don't get along."

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Underwear in the laundry

The mother of a teenage high school girl asks, "How come I don't see any of your underwear in the laundry anymore?"

The young teen girl replies, "Oh mother I don't wear panties anymore the principal likes me ready to go at a moments notice."

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Snoring Ralph

The guys are all at a deer camp. No one wants to room with Ralph because he snores so badly. They decide it isn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they vote to take turns.

The first guy sleeps in with Ralph and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Ralph snored so loudly I just sat up and watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was an older cowboy sort, a man's man.
The next morning he comes to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

Fred says, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went over and tucked Ralph into bed, patted him on the ass, and kissed him good night. Ralph sat up and he watched me all night. I slept like a baby."

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Ugly Gwen

Gwen was one of those UGLY women, so ugly it hurts.
She never had a boyfriend, so she went to a psychic for help.
Honey, said the psychic, you will not have luck in love in this life.
But after death, you will be a much desired woman and all men will fall at your feet.
Gwen left very happy and excited.
As she walked over a bridge, she thought: "The sooner I die, the sooner my next life begins.”
She decided to jump off the bridge right away.
But incredibly Gwen didn't die!
She fell on the back of a truck full of bananas; she lost her senses and fainted.
As soon as she recovered, still drowsy and not being able to see very well, and not knowing where she was, she started feeling around.
Touching all the bananas, she had a huge smile on her face and said: "GENTLEMEN, PLEASE!… ONE AT A TIME!"

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What is Blue Velvet?

One day, 7-year-old Little Johnny is on the playground, when he overhears two older boys talking about "Blue Velvet". Being an inquisitive sort, Little Johnny walks up to them and asks them, "What's Blue Velvet?"

They proceed to kick his arses.

The recess teacher sees Little Johnny bruised, bloody, and crying. She asks him, "What happened, Little Johnny?" to which he replies "Those older boys beat me up, just because I asked them what Blue Velvet is."

"As well they should have!" she states. "Get your ass to the Principal's office, right now!"

Confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny goes to the Principal's office.

"Now son, just what happened?"
"Well, sir, two older boys beat me up, and then the recess teacher sent me to you, all because I asked what Blue Velvet is."
"Little Johnny, you are hereby expelled. Get the hell out of my school!"

Expelled, confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny wanders home at midday. His mother answers the door, exclaiming "What happened?!"

"I was beat up, yelled at, and expelled from school, all for asking what "Blue Velvet" is."

Little Johnny's Mother slams the door in his face. From behind the closed door she yells "You're never welcome in this home again!"

Homeless, confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny wanders along Main Street wondering what to do, when a Policeman pulls up. "Get in", he says.

Little Johnny does so, and as they start driving, the Policeman asks what happened.

"Well, sir, I got beat up, yelled at, expelled from school, and thrown out of my home, all because I wanted to know what Blue Velvet is."

The Policeman brings the car to a screeching halt, and throws Little Johnny out, saying "You are no longer welcome in this town. Don't let me catch you around here again."

Banished, homeless, confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny wanders the highway on the edge of town, when a trucker pulls over and motions him into the cab.

As they drive away, the Trucker asks what happened.

"Well, sir, I got beat up, yelled at, expelled, thrown out of my home, and banished from my town, all for asking what Blue Velvet is."

"Is that so?" says the Trucker. "Well, hell, I can tell you what Blue Velvet is."

"Really?"

"Sure." The Trucker stops the truck. "See that Hotel over there on the other side of the Highway? If you go into that Hotel, go up to the Third Floor, walk down the hallway, and knock on the second door on the right, there's a woman in there who can tell you exactly what Blue Velvet is."

"Gee, Thanks, Mister!" replies Little Johnny, smiling for the first time all day.

Little Johnny jumps down out of the truck and runs across the Highway when

BAM!

he is hit by a car and killed instantly.



The Moral of this Story?

Look both ways before crossing the street.

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