Temptation

An older man was married to a younger woman.

After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack.
The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex.

He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.

One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs.

He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."

She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"

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Before Marriage and After Marriage

BEFORE MARRIAGE:

Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.

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Try startling yourself

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said: "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate, so he fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Not that well," the man responded: "When I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit three inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

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It doesn't matter what you wear

A man, about to undergo an IRS audit, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper."

Then he asked his legal counsel the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your finest suit and tie."

Utterly confused at this point, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of his dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.'

But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.'

The man protested: "Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

"Don't you see? It doesn't matter what you wear my son! Either way, the results will be the same..."

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Sexy Wife

When I went to lunch today, I noticed this elderly man about 75-80 years old sitting on a park bench near J.C. Penney and he was sobbing his eyes out.

I stopped and asked him what was wrong.

He said, "I have a 22 year old wife at home. She makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground brewed coffee."

I asked, "Well, then why are you crying?"

He said, "She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon."

I asked again, "Well so why are you crying?"

He said, "For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00am."

I asked yet again, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

He sobbed, "I can't remember where I live!"

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Stress Reliever

An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out.
He gives him the advice, “I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had my wife give me a blo*job.
It was fantastic and it really helped, you should try it too!”
Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk.
The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed.
“I see you followed my advice?”
“I did”, answers the employee, “It was great! By the way I didn’t know you had such a nice house!”.

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Why are coffins for blonde's shaped like a triangle?

Q: Why are coffins for blonde's shaped like a triangle?

A: Because every time their heads hit a pillow, their legs spread open.

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Now THAT'S a good date

These three women were roommates. One night they all had all gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time.

The blonde said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."

The brunette said, "No, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."

The redhead said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck.She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!"

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Top 10 signs your family is stressed

10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".

9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

8. The cat is on Valium.

7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.

6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.

5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.

4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.

3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.

2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.

1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates

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Obsession with women's breasts

A middle-aged man had an obsession with women's breasts. So he went to a psychologist and told the doctor about his problem.

"I am going to do word association,explained the doctor. "I am going to say a word, and you will say the first thing that come to your mind."

"Oranges," said the doctor.
"Breasts," replied the patient.

"Apples."
"Breasts."

"Watermelons."
"Breasts."

"Wipers."
"Breasts," said the patient with the same reply.

"Wait a minute! I can see the connections between oranges, apples, watermelons and breasts. But automobile's wipers?
Where is the connection?" asked the doctor.

"Easy ... one on the left and one on the right!"

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I don't know her size

"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."

"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours."

"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.

"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs some tampons."

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Captains Log

The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate with a bit of stowed-away rum. He got so drunk that he was still a little drunk the next morning. Later in the day, when the first mate had sobered up, he looked in the ship's log. He read the Captain's entry for the day: "The first mate was drunk today."

"Captain, please don't leave that in the log," the mate said. "This could add months or years to my becoming a captain myself."

"Well, is it true?" asked the Captain, knowing full well it was.

"Yes, it's true," admitted the mate.

"If it's true, it has to stay in the log. That's the rule. If it's true, it goes in the log. End of discussion!" said the Captain sternly.

Weeks later, it was the first mate's turn to make the log entry. The first mate wrote: "The ship seems to be in good shape. The Captain was sober today."

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Types of Boobs and Willies

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

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HMO manager

Two doctors and an HMO manager are killed in a train wreck and line up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. Saint Peter asks them to identify themselves.
One doctor steps forward and says, “I was a pediatric spinal surgeon. I helped hundreds of kids overcome their deformities.”
Saint Peter says, “Enter.”
The other doctor says, “I was a psychiatrist. I helped rehabilitate thousands of people.”
Saint Peter nods and invites him into heaven, too.
The third applicant steps forward and says, “I was an HMO manager. I helped countless people get cost-effective health care.”
Saint Peter tells him, “You can come in, too.”
As the HMO manager walks by, Saint Peter adds, “But you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell.”

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Not a Virgin

A girl about to be married confessed to her close friend that she was not, as her fiance thought, a virgin. She asked her friend what to do.

"No Problem," said the friend, who had just finished watching an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. "Just buy a piece of raw liver and shove it up inside you. It will make you tight and he will never know the difference."

The girl followed this advice and on her wedding night the groom consummated the marriage with tremendous energy in the bed, on the floor, in the bathtub, under the kitchen table, everywhere. She fell asleep blissfully, but when she awoke she was devastated to find the following note pinned to her pillow:

Dear Jane: Last night was pure heaven. Unfortunately, since we will never be able to repeat that performance, I am leaving you forever.
P.S. Your p*ssy is in the sink.

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Extreme Sports

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Sperm Cells

A group of students had a biology lab.

As a part of this lab they were supposed to scrape some bacteria off their teeth with a toothpick and then examine it under the microscope.

But this one girl had some problems identifying her bacteria and asked the professor what they were.

"Those are sperm cells", replied the Professor.

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Longest private part

A mortician was working late one night.
It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery:
Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Sam," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this.
It has to be saved for posterity. "And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's distinguishing member.
The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed was his wife."I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Sam is dead!"

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Honeymoon

Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Joe the Bellboy.

The first man married a nurse. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".

The second man married a telephone operator. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he`s a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...".

The third man married a school teacher. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself "poor guy, she`s pretty but teachers are just too frigid".

The next morning Joe reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher`s husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.6:00 a.m.

The phone rings it`s the nurse`s husband wanting breakfast. The nurse`s husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man`s pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed. Joe asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse." The man sourly replies, "Son, don`t ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying " you`re not sanitary, you`re not sanitary".

Joe went back down to the main desk to wait for the next call.6:30 a.m. The telephone operator`s husband calls for breakfast. Joe brings it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opens the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man`s hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed. Joe asks," What happened? Telephone operators are suppose to be as sexy as their voices. "The man sourly replies "Son, don`t ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up."

Joe went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband will be calling any minute. At 4:30 p.m., the teacher`s husband called for breakfast. Joe can`t believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. The man opened the door and Joe took a step back in shock. He wore only his boxers and his hair was a mess. He had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs. Joe fearing the worst asked " What happened to you? Did you have a fight?" The man smiles and happily replies, "No. Son, when you marry be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We are going to do this over and over, until we get it right."

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Tomcat and its tail

A teacher puts a photograph of a tomcat on the blackboard, and proceeds to ask the class, if they can tell her how the tail is attached to the cat.

Little Mary has the first attempt and answers, "By fur, Miss?"
The teacher replies, "Not quite right, Mary, but a good try."

Meanwhile all during the lesson, Little Johnny is sitting down the back raising his hand in the air saying, "Me, Miss!" "Me, Miss!"
The next student the teacher's picks is Peter, and he answers "Is it attached by skin, Miss?"
The teacher replies... "Not quite right either, Peter... Anyone else want to try?"

Finally, the teacher had no choice but to pick Little Johnny. She said to Johnny, "What do you think the tail is attached by?"
Johnny replied, "Judging by the size of those nuts on the cat... I'd say, it would have to be bolted on!"

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Driving permit

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.
He asked his father who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car.
His father took him to his study and said to him, "I’ll make a deal with you.
You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we’ll talk about it."
After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car.
They again went to the father’s study where his father said, "Son, I’ve been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your bible diligently, but you didn’t get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair…."
To which his father replied… "Yes, you’re right…
and they also WALKED every where they went!"

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Phone a friend

One night after watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, a man and his wife went to bed and the man was getting rather frisky.
He asked his wife if she was in the mood.
His wife answered, “Not tonight dear, I have a headache.”
The man replied, “Is that your final answer?” She said “Yes.”
“OK, then I’d like to phone a friend.” he replied.

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Different Perversions

A guy walks into a bar and sits down to have a drink. There is a hot chick sitting a couple of stools over. She looks at him and gives him a wink. He scoots over and offers her a drink, which she gratefully accepts. After a few mild pleasantries of conversation, the young lady mentions she is going through a divorce.

"You too huh?" says the man. Why are you getting a divorce?"

"My husband thinks I am too perverted." was her reply.

"What a coincidence, MY wife thinks I am too perverted!" he says to her. "She says I am too kinky when it comes to sex."

"Wow, my husband thinks the same of me, why don't we explore our perversions together?"

He agrees, they finish their drinks and leave the bar. Knowing neither can go to one's house because of their estranged spouses, they drive to a remote location where they can be alone.
The woman was becoming quite aroused about this time, and jumps into the back seat, and takes off her clothes in anticipation of what is to come...

"Please hurry baby, I want to get kinky with you!" she moans from the back seat. She hears him fumble with his belt, then hears his zipper come down, then finally his pants coming down.

Nearly beside herself, she is somewhat surprised when she hears him pull his pants back up, then his zipper, then his belt getting fastened.

"Hey, I thought we were going to explore our perversions here!" she complained.
"We did!" he says, "I just sh*t in your purse!"

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Best Camel Toe Ever

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Do not stay late in the office

10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date
20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place
36% of the women favour nudity
45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes
46% of the women experienced anal sex
70% of the women prefer sex in the morning
80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations
90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest
99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.
Conclusion:
Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in
the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the
office at the end of the day.
Moral:
Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it!

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Sleeping Pills

Bob had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.

After a few weeks of this, his boss was mad and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night's sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.

"Boss," he said, "the pill my doctor prescribed actually worked!"

"That's all fine," said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"

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Big Butts

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says, "Your
butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue grill."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife
was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue grill!!!" The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who
completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

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I can't sleep without it

Husband: I won't be able to sleep after wards.
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I'm Hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Wife: Booooooo ..!(Sob-Sob)
Husband: Alright, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can't find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it.
Husband: There. Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that's fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.

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Nain bole to sunte nain

mere ghar main rahko..baatan amman bava ke kartain
yaan ka kha ko vaan ka garain..nain bole to sunte nain

munh par makeup thoop ko..jati umar ke pichhe mut bhago
gai so jawani phir nain aati..nain bole tu sunte nain

balon main chutla jode tu..banta hai dil ka jooda
laikin balan cut karvarain..nain bole tu sunte nain

unke balan kat hone tak..mere sir main ginti ke..
hain so balan jhad ko jarain..nain bole tu sunte nain

charbi chhat ko duble padh gain..yek hafte se tahel ko aain
chalte chalte dhaklian kha rain…nain bole tu sunte nain

jab puchha samdhi se main..kya samdhan ummid se hain
sharma ko bas itna bole..nain bole tu sunte nain

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No Objections Here

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Weight Lost

I remember one time when I was home visiting my folks. My mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risqué picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.

"Mom, what's this?" I asked.

"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat," she answered.

"Is it working?" I asked.

"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"

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More Important

Martin arrived at Sunday school late. Miss Walter, his teacher, knew that Martin was usually very punctual so she asked him if anything was wrong.

Martin replied no, that he had been going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church.

Miss Walter was very impressed and asked the lad if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing?

Martin replied, 'Yes he did. Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us.'

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What happens If INR 1 Rs = USD $ 100

Year : 2050
Place : IBM , USA
(Two Americans Talking)

Currency Conversion Rate : INR 1 Rs = USD $ 100

Alex: Hi John, you didn't come yesterday to office?

John: Yeah, I was in Indian Embassy for stamping.

Alex: Oh really, what happened, I heard that nowadays it has become very strict.

John: Yeah, but I managed to get it.

Alex: How long it took to get it stamped?

John: Oh, it was nasty man, long queue. Bill Gates was standing in front of me and they played with him like anything. That's why it got delayed. I went there at 2 AM itself and waited and returned by 4 PM .

Alex: Really? In India , it is a matter of an hour to get stamped for USA

John: Yeah, but that is because who in India will be interested in coming to USA man, their economy has been booming.

Alex: So, when are you leaving?

John: Anytime, after receiving my tickets from the client in India and you know, I will be getting a chance to fly Air-India. Sort of dream come true.

Alex: How long are you going to stay in India .

John: What do you mean by how long? I will be settled in India , my company has promised me that they will process my Hara Patta ..(green card)

Alex: Really, lucky person man, it is very difficult to get a Hara Patta in India .


John: Yeah, that's why, I am planning to marry an Indian girl there.

Alex: But you can find lots of US girls in Hyderabad , Bangalore and Mumbai.

John: But, I prefer Indian girls because they are beautiful and cultured.

Alex: Where did you get the offer, Hyderabad?

John: Yeah, salary is good there, but cost of living is quite high, it is Rs. 2000/- for a single room accommodation.

Alex: I see, that's too much for US people, Rs.1/- =$100/-. Oh God! What about in Bangalore, Mumbai?

John: No idea, but it is less than what we have in Hyderabad. It is like the world headquarters of software


Alex: I heard, almost all the Indians are having one personal Robot for help.

John: You can get a BMW car for Rs. 5000/-, and a personal Robot for less than Rs.7500/-. But my dream is to purchase Ambassador, which costs Rs.2 ,00,000/- but has got a lovely design.

Alex: By the way, who is your client?

John: Subbarao and Apparao Associates, a pure Indian company, specialising in Embedded Software.

Alex: Oh, really, lucky to work in a pure Indian company. They are really intelligent and unlike American Bodyshoppers who have opened their Fly-by-night outfits in India . Indian companies pay you in full even when you are on bench.

My friend Paul Allen, it seems, used his bench time to visit Bihar, the most liveable place in India , probably world. There you have full freedom and no restrictions. You can do whatever you want! I wonder how that state has perfected that system.

John: Yeah man!, you are right. I hope our Americaalso follows their footsteps.

Alex: How are you going to cope with their language?

John: Why not? From my school days I have been learning Hindi as my first language here at New York . At the Consulate they tested my proficiency in Hindi and were quite impressed by my cent per cent score in TOHIL i.e. Test of Hindi as International Language.

Alex: So, you are going to have fun there.'

John: Yeah, I will be travelling in the world's fastest train, world's largest theme park, and the famous Bollywood where you can see actors like, Hrithik, Shah Rukh Khan and all. Esselworld is also near Bollywood.

Alex: You know, the PM is scheduled to visit US next year, he may then relax the number of visas.

John: That's true. Last month, Narayana Murthy visited White House and donated Rs. 2000/- for infrastructure development at a SiliconValleyand has promised more if we follow the model of High-
Tech City of Bangalore. Bill Gates also got a chance of meeting him. Very lucky person.

Alex: But, Indian government is planning to split Narayanamurthy's Infosys.

John: He is a hard worker man, he can build any number of Infosys like this. Every minute he is getting Rs. 1000/-. It seems, if you keep all his money converted as Rs. 100/- notes you can reach Pluto.

Alex: OK, Good Luck John.

John: Same to you Alex. And don't go to Consulate in a "Kurta Pyjama" because they will think you are too Indianised and may doubt you will never come back and hence your Non-Immigrant Visa may get rejected. But don't forget to say " Namaste, aap kaise hai " to the Visa officer at Window 5. It seems he likes that and will not give you a visa if you don't greet him that way.

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Pig was killed

Donald Trump was riding through the countryside in his black chauffeured limousine. All of a sudden a pig darted out in front of the limo and was instantly killed. Trump -- a man of business, after all -- felt really bad and instructed his driver to head for the closest farm house, find out if they owned the pig, and offer to pay for damages.

They soon arrived at a farm house and the chauffeur went to the front door. He was escorted inside by the farmer -- and was gone for over two hours!

When he reappeared, his clothes were in disarray, he was carrying a brown paper bag, and had the biggest smile on his face that The Donald had ever seen. He demanded to know were the chauffeur had been and what had taken him so long.

The chauffeur reported that he went to the front door, just as instructed, and had told the farmer and his wife what had happened. They invited him in, prepared a fine steak with all the fixins' for him.

Then they took him upstairs to meet their 21-year-old daughter who was a finalist in last year's Miss USA pageant. They left him with the daughter for about an hour so they could "get to know one another better."

When he came back downstairs the farmer's wife handed him a bag of fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies and sent him on his way.

"Wow!" Trump exclaimed. "What exactly did you tell them?"

"Well," replied the chauffeur, sheepishly, "I just told them that I was Donald Trump's chauffeur, and we were in a little accident down the road and the pig was killed, and...."

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A blonde visiting Washington D.C

A blonde was visiting Washington, D.C., for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Luckily for her, she spotted a cop.

"Excuse me, officer," she said. "How do I get to the Capitol building?"

"Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus," the officer replied. "It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drove off.

Three hours later the police officer's patrol returned him to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and walked over to her.

"Excuse me," the cop said, "but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"

"Don't worry, officer," the blonde replied. "It can't be much longer now. The 51st bus just went by!"

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I'd love to be six again

A man asked his wife, "if you could have anything in the world for one day, what would you want?"

"I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Off to McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie: the latest Hollywood blockbuster, hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being six again?"

One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."

The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

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Punctuations

Why English Teachers Are Important: The Words are the same. Only the punctuation changes. . .

Dear Thomas,
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?Maria

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Dear Thomas,
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours, Maria

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Singular and plural

A third grade school teacher is trying to explain to her class the difference between singular and plural.

She says, "What is it if one woman looks out a window?"

Little Maury replies, "Singular!"

"Very good," says the teacher. "What is it if five women are looking out of a window?"

Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "A brothel!"

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I'd stay faithful

This guy comes home dead tired from working a twelve-hour day and collapses in bed.

He's just about asleep when his wife rolls over and says, "What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful, sexy, horny woman lying next to you?"

He replied, "Don't worry honey, I'd stay faithful."

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Three dreams of a man:

Three dreams of a man:
To be as handsome as his mother thinks
To be as rich as his child believes.
To have as many women as his wife suspects...

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Laws Of Life!

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to use the bathroom.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, or screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last, and they are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, drink, or the bathroom and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. Those in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance and beyond. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something that will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well and make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

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I had an affair with a woman...almost

This married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman...almost."

The priest says, "what do you mean almost?"

The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped."

The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again, now say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that! You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The man replied, "Well Father, I rubbed up against it, and you said it was the same as putting it in!"

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Different levels of Sexercise

It has been known for many years that sex was good exercise, but until now nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric content of different sexual activities. Now after "original and proprietary" research they are proud to present the results.

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent............................12 Calories
Without her consent..................2,187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands.........................8 Calories
With one hand..........................12 Calories
With your teeth.......................485 Calories
PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection......................6 Calories
Without an erection...........3,315 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary................................12 Calories
69 lying down..................... ......78 Calories
69 standing up.........................812 Calories
Wheelbarrow............... ...... ....216 Calories
Doggy Style.............................326 Calories
Italian chandelier....................2,912 Calories

ORGASMS:
Real.............................112 Calories
Fake.................................1,315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging..........................................1 8 Calories
Getting up immediately......................................3 6 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately......816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are:
20-29 years.........................36 Calories
30-39 years.........................80 Calories
40-49 years.......................124 Calories
50-59 years....................1,972 Calories
60-69 years....................7,916 Calories
70 and over............................... A Miracle

DRESSING AFTERWARDS:
Calmly............................................ .................32 Calories
In a hurry............................................. ....98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door............5,218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door..........13,521 Calories

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It's just a quarter

A guy decides to bring his new blonde girlfriend to a football game. After the game is over, he asks her if she liked the game.

She replies: "Oh it was great, I loved watching those men in tight clothes, but there is one thing I don't understand."

"What did you not understand ?"

And the blonde says: "Well, at the beginning of the game, both teams flipped a quarter to see who would kick off first. Then the rest of the game everybody was yelling get the quarter back, get the quarter back, get the quarter back. So I thought to myself, gosh it's just a quarter!"

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Blonde Logic

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!

What a year!!

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Elderly blonde

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill blonde appeared in a hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot.

The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?" The lady replied,"My phone doesn't have an eleven!"

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Don't you have a vase?

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.

She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"

The red head says, "Oh sure, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

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10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom.

“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing, although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist, all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist, all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”

“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”

“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

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New recruit

A few weeks after a young man had been employed; he was called into the Human Resources administrator's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the personnel officer asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had three years experience. Now I have discovered this is the first position you've ever held."

"True," the young man answered with a smile, "in your advertisement you said you wanted a person with imagination."

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Crotchless panties

One day a girl decided to buy some crotchless panties to surprise her boyfriend.

She went and bought them, got home, put them on and waited.

When the boyfriend got home there she was spread eagle on the bed with only her panties and bra
on. "Come over here baby." she says smiling.

The boyfriend backs off, "If your p*ssy can do that to your panties - I ain't going any where near it!"

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Why did you make her so stupid?

One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple and wondered about men and women. So, looking up to the heavens, he said, "Excuse me, God, can I ask you a few questions?"

God replied, "Go on, Adam, but be quick. I have a world to create."

So Adam said, "When you created Eve, why did you make her body so curved and tender unlike mine?"

"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did you give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"

"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did you make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"

"Well, Adam, no. I did that so that she could love you."

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Beautiful blonde woman

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde woman wave at him and says: "Hello!"

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says,: "Do you Know me?"

To which she replies: "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says: "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that got me so excited I had to lay you right there on the pool table with all my buddies spraying whip cream on us?"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says: "No, actually I'm your son's maths teacher!"

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I told you we had nothing to worry about

In a second grade sex education class, Suzy asks "Teacher, can my momma get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "How old is your mother?"

Suzy says " Forty." T he teacher says, "Yes, Your mother could get pregnant."

Suzy asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "How old is your sister?"

Suzy answers "Nineteen."

The teacher says "Oh my yes, your sister certainly could get pregnant."

Suzy asks, "Can I get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "How old are you?"

Suzy says, "I'm seven years old."

The teacher says, "No, you can't get pregnant."

Little Johnny gives her a poke and says "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."

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Two Moose hunters

Two Moose hunters, Wally and Jeff, from New Mexico, fly to a remote area in Alberta, Canada. They have a fabulous hunting expedition and both manage to shoot a large moose.
When the plane returns to pick them up, Ronnie, the pilot looks at the animals and says, 'This little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals. You'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees on the take off.'

'That's gobbled-gook and nonsense!' explodes an angry Wally.
Yep,' agrees Jeff, 'you're just a cowardly custard. We came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts. He wasn't afraid to take off!'

'Mmmm,' adds Wally, 'and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours, Ronnie.'
Ronnie becomes cross, as well, and snaps, 'Dang me, if he did it, then I can do it! I can fly as well as anybody'
Wally and Jeff load up the plane; they taxi at full throttle and the plane almost makes it, but doesn't have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It touches the tree tops, flips, and breaks up. Everything scatters; the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers.

Still alive, but dazed, Ronnie pilot sits up, shakes his head to clear it, and mumbles, 'Where are we?'
Wally appears dishevelled from behind a shrub, looks around and replies, 'Oh.....I'd say ... about a hundred metres further than last year.'

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Lady Elephant and Rabbit

So this lady elephant is walking along the forest, when she gets a sliver in her foot.
It`s really quite painful, so when she sees this bunny rabbit on the forest floor, she asks him to pull the sliver out.
The rabbit says, "Okay, but if I do this favour for you, you have to promise to do a favour for me."
"All right," says the elephant, "what?"
"Well you see," says the rabbit, "I haven`t gotten my rocks off in a long time. I've had no action at all, and I thought that you might help me."
The elephant is a little shocked, but she wants that sliver out, so she agrees.
So the rabbit pulls the sliver out and says, "Okay, get ready," and jumps up there and starts going to town with the elephant.
This monkey in a tree nearby sees this little bunny rabbit going at with the elephant, and he starts jumping up and down and laughing in the tree.
He jumps so hard that a coconut falls out of the tree and hits the elephant on the head.
The elephant says, "Ouch!" And the rabbit says, "That`s right b**ch, take it all!"

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10 inches of Snow

A lady goes on vacation alone to the Caribbean wishing her husband had been able to join her. 

Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate lovemaking she asks him, “What is your name?”

“I can’t tell you!” the black man says. 

Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he cannot tell her. 

On her last night there she asks again, “Can you please tell me your name?” 

“I can’t because you will make fun of me!” the black man says. 

“There is no reason for me to laugh at you,” the lady says. “Fine, my name is Snow” the black man replies. 

And the lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says, “I knew you would make fun of it.” 

The lady replied, “It’s my husband that won’t believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in the Caribbean!”

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Condom pack 3, 6 and 12

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them when they have sex."
"Oh, I see," replied the boy pensively. "I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and Asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO For Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking Up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......."

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Santa Claus and Blonde

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. 

She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?"

Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"

She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"

She takes off everything and asks "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

Santa replies "Hey Hey Hey I gotta stay, gotta stay! I can't get up the chimney with my d*ck this way!"

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Camel Toe Joke

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Early retirement bonus

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus.
They promised any general who retired straight away would get his full annual benefits plus 10,000 Dollars for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of 720,000 Dollars.
The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for 960,000 Dollars.
When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my pen*is to the bottom of my test*icles."
The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice cheques the previous two generals had received.
The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.
The medical officer arrived and asked the general to drop the pants.
He did.
The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's pen*is and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your test*cles?"
The general replied, "One in Iraq and the other in Afghanistan... Keep measuring."

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Cycle

A beautiful blonde goes into a bar and sits down next to a guy that's so homely looking, he hasn't had a date in over a year, also, he's sooooo dumb that one night he slept with a ruler next to his
head to see how long he slept.

So he figures that he has absolutely no chance in the world to score a date with this ravishing buxom blonde.

Then suddenly she strikes up a conversation with him and soon they become rather chummy. It starts to get late and the bartender calls out last drink for alcohol, then the blonde leans over to the guy and says,
"Let's have this last drink at my apartment."

Taken back by her request, and trembling, the guy finally utters the word, "OK."

They get up from the bar stool arm and arm headed for the door, when the blonde stops him and says, "Before we go back to my apartment there's one thing I have to tell you, I'm on my menstrual cycle."
He says, ..."That's ok, I'll follow you in my Honda."

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Good Sign

A husband was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit, he decided to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this, she let out a sigh.

The husband ran out and told the doctor what happened. The doctor said this was a good sign, and suggested the husband try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.

The husband went in and rubbed her right breast, which brought a moan. After hearing this, the doctor suggested that the husband should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the husband to be embarrassed.

The husband went in, then came out about five minutes later, white as a ghost. He told the doctor his wife was dead.

The doctor asked what happened, to which the husband replied,
"I reckon she choked to death!"

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Wonderful time on Fishing Trip

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.

Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...

(She is speaking in a cheery voice)
"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

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Another man like me

Husband says:
"When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me".

Wife replied:
"What makes you think I'd want another man like you!"

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Resources Manager at the Pearly Gates

Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman "Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,"

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her smiled and told...
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"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee"

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What is my age?

Teacher: There is a frog, Ship is sinking, potatoes cost Rs 3/kg. Then, what is my age?

STUDENT:32 yrs.

Teacher:How do you know?

STUDENT:Well, my sister is 16 yrs old and she is half mad.

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Kids in school think quick

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD : A teacher.

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Sex problem

A man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about sex."

The Psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.

The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."

The Psychologist says, "very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"

The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."

The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?"

The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."

The Psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex."

"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"

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God will save me

There was an old man sitting on his porch watching the rain fall. Pretty soon the water was coming over the porch and into the house.

The old man was still sitting there when a rescue boat came and the people on board said, "You can't stay here you have to come with us."

The old man replied, "No, God will save me." So the boat left. A little while later the water was up to the second floor, and another rescue boat came, and again told the old man he had to come with them.

The old man again replied, "God will save me." So the boat left him again.

An hour later the water was up to the roof and a third rescue boat approached the old man, and tried to get him to come with them.

Again the old man refused to leave stating that, "God will grant a miracle & save him." So the boat left him again.

Soon after, the man drowns and goes to heaven, and when he sees God he asks him, "Why didn't you save me? I thought you would grand me a miracle and you have let me down."

God replied, "You idiot, I don't know what you're complaining about. I sent three boats after you!!"

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Unexpected knowledge gained from the Movies

1) During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

2) All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

3) The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

4) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

5) When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom should still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

6) Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

7) It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts-your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

8) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

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Dentures

An old man looking for oral sex approached his wife with a horny invitation, "How would you like to wrap your teeth around my d*ck tonight?"

The old lady nodded willingly, removed her dentures and said, "Do whatever you want with them, just don't wake me."

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Missed it by an inch

A man walked into a Super store and the Greeter said, "Automotive, aisle 15." The man asked, "How did you know I was here to get oil?"

The Greeter replied, "That's my job."

Another man walked in and the Greeter said, "Sporting goods, aisle 28."

The man asked, "How did you know I wanted fishing supplies?

The Greeter replied, "That's my job."

A woman walked in and the Greeter said, "Tampons, aisle 5."

The woman said, "No, I'm here for hemorrhoid medicine."

The Greeter said, "Darn, I missed it by an inch!"

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Finally fertile

While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."

"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass.

"As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."

"How did it happen?"

"I switched cocks."

"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.

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Make me into a television

A teacher from Primary School asks her students to write a essay about what they would like God to do for them...

At the end of the day while marking the essays, she read one that made her very emotional.

Her husband, that had just walked in saw her crying and asked her: - What happened?

She answered - Read this. It's one of my students essays

Oh God, tonight I ask you something very special: Make me into a television. I want to take its place. Live like the TV in my house. Have my own special place, And have my family around ME. To be taken seriously when I talk.... I want to be the centre of attention and be heard without interruptions or questions. I want to receive the same special care that the TV receives when it is not working.

Have the company of my dad when he arrives home from work, even when he is tired.

And I want my mom to want me when she is sad and upset, instead of ignoring me...

And... I want my brothers to fight to be with me...

I want to feel that family just leaves everything aside, every now and then, just to spend some time with me.

And last but not least make it that I can make them all happy and entertain them...

Lord I don't ask you for much... I just want to live like every TV

At that moment the husband said: - 'My God, poor kid. What horrible parents!

She looked up at him and said: - 'That essay is our son's !

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Going to heaven

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?'

Again, the answer was, 'NO!'

By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!

'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?' I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, 'NO!'

I was just bursting with pride for them.

'Well,' I continued, 'then how can I get into Heaven?'

A five-year-old boy shouted out,

'YOU GOTTA BE DEAD.'

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Organic vegetables

A man went to buy organic vegetables from the market, because his wife had asked him to. Not finding any, he grabbed a tired looking employee at the store and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"

The tired sales guy looked at him and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."

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Pancakes

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small p***s.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

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Gay flight attendant

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, b*tch."

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Are Women More Intelligent Than Men ?

Helen, a normal woman was married to John.

One day she found a lamp in the street and as you do she gave it a little rub.

Sure enough a genie popped out and said “I will grant you three wishes, but I must warn you that with each wish, your husband will experience 10 times worth”

Thinking about it for a few seconds she accepted the offer and said

“Make me the richest woman in the world”

The genie said “you do realise that your husband will become ten times richer than you”

“That’s OK, we have been married for 15 years, we are a couple, what is mine is his and his is mine”

Poooof: she became the richest woman in the world

“For my next wish I want you to make me the most beautiful woman in the world”

You do realise that this will make your husband the most attractive man alive, women all over the world will want him and desire him”

“That’s ok as I will be the most attractive woman he will only have eyes for me”

Pooof: she became the most beautiful woman alive

“And for your 3rd wish?” said the genie

Helen thought for a while, remembering the ten times more thing she said “I would like to experience a mild heart attack!!!”



This goes to show that women are smarter than men……very good ladies!


If you are a women please end here, if you are a man please scroll down.















Yes gentlemen her husband experienced a heart attack 10 times milder than his wife, this just goes to prove that women are not the smarter sex, but let’s not tell them……just enjoy the show.


If you are a lady reading this, be a sweetie and put the kettle on.

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New Chairman for Microsoft Europe

Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for Microsoft Europe.
5000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is Arun Doshi an Indian (Gujrati) guy.
Bill Gates thanked all the candidates for coming and asking those who do not know JAVA program to leave.2000 people leave the room.
Arun says to himself, 'I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try'

Bill Gates asked the candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people to leave. 2000 people leave the room.
Arun says to himself ' I never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?' So he stays.

Then Bill Gates asked candidates who do not have management diplomas to leave.
500 people leave the room. Arun says to himself, 'I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?'
So he stays in the room.

Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo-Croat to leave. 498 people leave the room.
Arun says to himself, ' I do not speak one word of Serbo-Croat but what do I have to lose?' So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate.

Everyone else has gone.

Bill Gates joined them and said 'Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo-Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language.'

Calmly, Arun turns to the other candidate and says `kem chhho'

The other candidate answers 'ek dam majama'

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Good Place to Masturbate

The doc told him that masturba*ting before sex often helped men last longer the act.
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it.
He couldn't do it in his office.
He thought about the restroom, but that was too open.
He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway.
He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.
As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied,
"What?"He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted. "Came the reply,
"Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago"

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Good news

A man goes to the doctor to get some test results back. The doctor says to him, 'Well I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first?'
The man says, 'The good news.'
The doctor frowns and says, 'The good news is we're naming it after you.'

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Why Studying Is Better Than Sex!!!

10. You can usually find someone to do it with.

9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.

8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.

7. When you open a book, you don’t have to worry about who else has opened it.

6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.

5. If you don’t finish a chapter you won’t gain a reputation as a “book teaser.”

4. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.

3. You don’t get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.

2. You don’t have to put your beer down to do it.

1. If you aren’t sure what you’re doing, you can always ask your roommate for help.

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Retired people

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Dumb ass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So Mary called him a shit head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived and we got on it and went home.





We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

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Free Ride

A man and a woman go to the carnival every year. Every time the man says,"Anna can we ride them airplanes that goes up for a couple of minutes then comes back down?"

The woman always replied by saying,"We don`t need to spend any extra money on them airplanes,its to expensive.Ten dollars is ten dollars.

Tom, the pilot, said," Larry, every year I hear you say you want to ride my airplanes, and every year Anna says it`s too expensive. I`ll make you a deal, if I do all of my flips and tricks with you in there with me, and you don`t say one word, I`ll give you the ride for free.

Anna and Larry discussed it and decided they would take the deal.They got up in the air and Tom did all of his tricks and flips.

Tom said,"Larry I just knew you`d say something on that first flip,but you didn`t!

Larry replied," i was going to say something when Anna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.

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Funny Toilet Notice

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Funny Restaurant Name

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Sex Education

A mom of an 8-year-old boy was awaiting her son's arrival from school.
As he ran in, he said he needed to talk to her about making babies.
He claimed he knew about the development of a fetus but didn't understand the answer to that "million dollar question."
Namely, how did the sperm get into the woman?
The mom asked the boy what he thought the answer was.
The boy said that the sperm is manufactured in the man's stomach, it rises up to his chest, then throat, and into his mouth whereupon he kisses the woman and deposits the sperm into her mouth.
The mom told her boy that was a good guess, but wrong.
She said that she would give him a hint... that the sperm came out of the man's pen*is.
Suddenly, the boy's face became quite red and he said, "YOU MEAN YOU PUT YOUR MOUTH ON THAT THING!?"

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Funny Redneck Note

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Men Chastity

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James Bond in heaven

M sends James Bond on a secret mission to heaven.
When M doesn't hear from Bond for over a day, he gets worried and calls up heaven.
The Virgin Mary picks up the phone and says "Virgin Mary speaking.
"M asks her if Bond has reached there yet.
She replies that he hasn't.
M waits another few hours and calls heaven back again. "Virgin Mary speaking," comes the response.
"Is James there yet?" asks M.
Again the answer is no.
M is really worried by this time but he waits for a few more hours and then calls heaven back again.
"Hello, Mary speaking !"

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It's a toothbrush!

A little girl accidentally walks in on her father while he's getting dressed.

She points to his dick and says, "Daddy, what's that?"

Not wanting to explain to her yet, he says, "Uh, I can't tell you, it's a secret."

The little girl finds her mother and asks, "What is that long thing between Daddy's legs?"

Her mother also doesn't want to explain sex yet, so she says, "I don't know, he won't tell me."

A couple days later the little girl says to her mother.

"Mommy, I finally figured out what that thing between Daddy's legs is. It's a toothbrush! "

"Why do you think that?" the amused mother asks.

"Because," the little girl says, "this morning I saw the maid sliding it in and out of her mouth and she had toothpaste dripping down her chin."

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Thou shall not steal

Henry, who was very elderly, was unhappy because he had lost his favourite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and steal one out of the entrance porch when the worshippers were busy praying.

When Henry arrived at the church an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on 'The Ten Commandments.'
After the service, Henry met the vicar in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand vigorously, and told him, 'I want to thank you Father for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it.'

The vicar answered, 'You mean the commandment ' Thou shall not steal' changed your mind?'
'No, 'retorted Henry, 'the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that, I remembered where I had left my old hat.'

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Perception - Woman Vs Man

Women Friends chatting in office.

Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?

Woman 2: Yes.

Woman 1: Was it good?

Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of for*play. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!


At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?

Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour; and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light fucking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

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Three Sisters

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day and to save their parents money,
they also resolved to spend their honeymoon nights at home.

Later that night, their mother couldn't sleep so, she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea.

On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter's bedroom and heard her screaming.
The mother thought to herself, "That's normal, especially on her wedding night."

She snuck by her second oldest daughter's room and heard her laughing.
"That's normal too," she said, smiling to herself.

Finally, She slipped by her youngest daughter's room where she didn't hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.

The next morning in the kitchen,
after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her daughters about last night's noises.

well, Mom," the eldest replied,"you always said if it hurt I should scream."
"Mom, you told me that if it tickled, I should laugh," replied the next daughter..

"Now it's your turn honey," she said turning to the youngest.
"Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"

"Mom, don't you remember? You always told me
"never to talk with my mouth full"

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Daytime affair - Hilarious

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being n*ked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.

After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the n*de?" one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved alongside him. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, " Do you always wear a condom when you run? "

"Nope......... Just when it's raining".

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Different kind of SEX

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.


The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.


The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.


The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."


The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.. (Very Popular)


The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And, last, but not least:


The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

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PASSWORD REJECTED NOT LONG ENOUGH!.

A girl was helping her boyfriend set up his PC and he wanted to log in
with a password.

Now, you have to understand he's got somewhat of a rebellious attitude
and goes for the shock effect.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he keys in
"pen*s".

His girlfriend nearly fell off the chair from laughing so hard when the
computer replied...:
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
PASSWORD REJECTED NOT LONG ENOUGH!.

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Sex Attempts

To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

We will wake the kids - 54 times

It's too late - 15 times

I'm too tired - 42 times

It's too early - 12 times

It's too hot - 18 times

Pretending to be asleep - 31 times

The neighbors will hear - 9 times

Headache or backache - 26 times

Sunburn - 10 times

Your mother will hear us - 9 times

Not in the mood - 21 times

Watching the late show - 17 times

Too sore - 26 times

New hairdo - 6 times

Wrong time of the month - 14 times

You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times


Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:

Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times

Did not come home at all - 36 times

Did not come - 21 times

Came too soon - 38 times

Went soft before you got it in - 19 times

Cramps in your leg - 16 times

Working too late - 33 times

You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times

Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times

You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times

You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times

You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times

You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times

Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"

Love, Your Wife

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Different types of bra's

Poisonous BRA --- coBRA

Mathemetical BRA---- algeBRA

striped BRA---- zeBRA

strongestBRA- --- vertiBRA

sunsignBRA-- -- liBRA

magical(invisible) BRA---aBRA ka daBRA

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Meaning Of Names

A boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm"?

"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm", she said.

Then he asked "Why is my sister named Cornflower"?

"Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her", she replied. He then asked "And why is my other sister called Moonchild"?

"We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived", the mother replies.

The mother paused and said to her son... "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious"

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Growing Wild

Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.

One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.

He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the dand except for the one part sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."

The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"

The first little old lady says, "Look at that."

"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."

"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."

"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."

"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."

"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."

"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."

"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."

"And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"

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Turning him on

Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and that and the subject finally got around to sex.
The first old lady said she enjoyed sex now just as much as ever.
The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was.

The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom, he gets turned on and has his way with her.

The second old lady decides to try this approach. So that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head.
Her husband comes into the bedroom, takes one look and says, "For God's sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you're starting to look like an asshole!"

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Making Love to a Woman

MAKING COFFEE
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir.. gently, and firmly.

You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.

LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

HANGING WALLPAPER
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'.. slip in to the old bag.

WASHING A CAR
Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

BEING IN THERAPY
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You.. get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

GOING FISHING
Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied.

Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.

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