Definitions of Designations:

* Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.

* Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.

* Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

* Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.

* Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

* Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.

* Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.

* Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with a delivered baby.

* Tester is a person who always tells that this is not the Right baby.

* HR Manager is a person who thinks that... a Donkey can deliver a Human Baby - if given 9 Months !!!

* HSE – Head …thinks a woman must wear a helmet to deliver a Healthy baby Safely·

* Commercial – Head : - Woman must produce three quotation ( only from ISO certified males) otherwise not baby is not acceptable ·

* Finance Head : Whether Woman delivers a baby or Donkey …Budget & Cash flow must be approved (doesn’t matter when i.e one month / nine months / 18months)

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Types of Bears

A married couple was vacationing in Yosemite. The wife expressed her concern about camping because of bears and said she would feel more comfortable in a motel. The husband said that he'd like to camp. To calm her concerns, he suggested they talk to the park ranger to see what the likelihood of a bear encounter would be.

The ranger told them, "Well, we haven't seen any grizzlies in this area so far this year, or black bears, for that matter."

The wife shrieked, "There are TWO types of bears out here? How can you tell the difference? Which one is more dangerous?"

The ranger replied, "Well, that's easy -- see, if the bear chases you up a tree and it comes up after you, it's a BLACK bear. If it SHAKES the tree until you fall out, it's a grizzly."

The motel room was quite nice.

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Letter of Recommendation

1. While working with Mr. Xxxxxx, I have always found him
2. working studiously and sincerely at his table without
3. gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom
4. wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always
5. finishes the given assignment in time. He is always
6. deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be
7. found chitchatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no
8. vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound
9. knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be
10. classed as outstanding, and should on no account be
11. dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Xxxxxx should be
12. pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to management be
13. sent away as soon as possible.

Branch Manager

A second note following the report:

Mr. X was present when I was writing the report mailed to you
today. Kindly read only the alternate lines 1, 3, 5, 7, 9,.......
for my true assessment of him.

Regards,

Branch Manager

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These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)...

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination inthe U.K.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar


Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists


Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire


Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed


Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)


Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental


Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)


Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death


Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow


Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)


Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U (What the *!!*???)


Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie


Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby


Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)


Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome


Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)


Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)


Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas


Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)


Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight


Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

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Some Great Teachings

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass .... then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

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Salary Raise- Great Negotiation

 Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Manager: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Manager: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

Manager: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic downturn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.

Manager: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?

Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!

Manager: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?

Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

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Kodak Moment

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Blood Test

A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken.
The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger after finishing she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood. She can't find one so she looks innocently at the guy, takes his finger and sucks it.
The guy is so pleased he asks; "Do you think I could have a urine test done?"

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$100,000 quiz show

Jane was a first time contestant on the $100,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.
Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents.
She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show’s host could ask her the big question.
Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day.
Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home.
“I’ve just gotta win tomorrow.
I wish I knew what the answers are.
You know I’m not going to sleep at all tonight.
I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.”“Relax, honey,” her husband, Roger, reassured her. “It will all be OK.”
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.“Where are you going?” Jane asked.
“I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon” he replied.Jane waited impatiently for Roger’s return.
After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin.“Honey, I managed to get tomorrow’s question and answer!”“What is it?” she cried excitedly.“OK.
The question is: ‘What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?’”“And the answer is ‘The head, the heart, and the penis.’”
Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber.At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question.“The head, the heart, and the penis,” Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth.
Once again, Jane replied correctly.
So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show.
Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins.
The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.“Jane, for $100,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy?
You have 10 seconds.”“Hmm, uhm, the head?” she said nervously.
“Very good. Six seconds.”“Eh, uh, the heart?” “Very good! Four seconds.”“I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn!
My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning…” “That’s close enough,” said the game show host, “CONGRATULATIONS!!!”

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No Way

A man takes a girl in his car and stops seven miles out of town, and says he wants to make love to her.
She refuses, and walks back.
The second night he takes her twelve miles out of town and tells her he really wants to make love to her.
She still refuses and walks back.
The third night he takes her thirty miles away and lo and behold, she gives in.
Afterward, he asks her why she finally gave in.
She shrugged and said I'll walk seven miles, even twelve miles, to save a friend of mine from a case of herpes but thirty miles NO WAY !!!!

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Medical term for Lazy

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said: "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

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Nervous Couple

A young virgin couple are finally wed.
Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it. Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father. "Dad, what do I do first?" "Get nak*d and climb into bed," his father replies.
So, the young man does as he is advised.
The girl is mortified and calls her mama. "Get nak*d and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies. After laying there fora few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again. "What do I do?" he asks.
His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad's advice.
A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks. "Well, what is he doing?" mama asks. "He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"

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Human Species

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, and he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry.
He looked up from the page and said to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgas*m?"
She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied, "Oh, yeah? Prove it.
"He frowned for a moment, then said, "Okay."
He got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
About a half hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed, "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig is always squealing, how can I tell?"

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Are you thirsty?

Patient: May I have a glass of water, doctor.
Doctor: Are you thirsty?
Patient: No... I just wanted to check whether my throat leaks.

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Humiliation

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My ears are cold too

Little Johnny was visiting a friend of his in New York during the winter. He and his friend went outside to play in the snow. After about an hour, his friend's mother called them back inside and had them remove their galoshes and gloves.

Little Johnny's friend's mom was a tall voluptuous, woman who would warm her son's hands by putting them between her thighs. So as usual, when her son came in from playing in the snow, she asked if his hands were cold, to which he replied "yes".

She then put them together and stuck them between her warm thighs. After a few minutes, she asked "are they warm yet?" and the little boy said "yes". Little Johnny watched his friend and waited his turn.

His friend's mom then asked him if his hands were cold, to which he replied, "yes". So she took his hands, put them together and stuck them between her thighs. After a few minutes she asked if his hands were "warm yet" and he said "yes". So she took them out.

Little Johnny continued to stand there with a sly grin on his face. When the mom asked "well what is it now, Johnny? What's wrong? Johnny looked up at her and replied
"my ears are cold too!"

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You don't have much to say, do you?

Paul picked this woman up in a nightclub and took her home. While they were walking home he didn't say a thing.

"You're not the communicative type, are you?" she said as they were undressing.

"Nah," Paul replied and pulled out his old fella. "I do all my talking with this."

"Damn," said the girl as she leaned forward to look. "You don't have much to say, do you?"

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A Really Bad Day

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

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Reasons it’s Great to be a Guy

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
Movie nudity is virtually always female.
You know stuff about cars.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
Monday Night Football.
You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
You can open all your own jars.
Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying.
All your orgasms are real.
You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.
You understand why "Stripes" is a funny movie.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
You never have to clean the toilet.
You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
If you're 35 and single nobody notices.
You can write your name in the snow.
Flowers fix everything.
You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
You can eat a banana in public.
Foreplay is optional.
Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the landlord is coming by.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking, "He must be mad at me."
The world is your urinal.
You get to jump up and slap stuff.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
One mood, all the time.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too yucky.
You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
Same work...more pay.
Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
The remote is yours and yours alone.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
Bachelor parties whip ass over bridal showers.

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Reasons Why it’s Great to be a Woman

You can always get a job in a movie, so long as you're willing to go naked.
It is socially acceptable for you to ask someone else to carry all your bags
when you're on vacation.
It is acceptable for you to know everything about your friends' sex lives.
You get to team up when using the bathroom and no one thinks you're gay.
You can let someone else open all your jars.
You can blame water retention every time you put on a pound or two.
You have the power to stop clicking the remote control.
There's no such thing as a beer gut.
People are scared to criticize your work for fear of your reaction.
You never have to change the oil.
You can be "fashionably late" and no one faults you.
Sex only enhances your reputation.
"Forgetting to invite" someone to something is one of your best revenge tactics.
You can wear see through underwear and people think its cool.
It’s okay if you take the elevator one floor down.
Crying gets you out of any stressful situation.
Hair does not grow out of your ears.
You have the secret power to somehow hold back a fart in public.
You think being able to drive and apply makeup should be an Olympic event.
Three words have the power to get you out of any difficult situation: Pre Menstrual Syndrome.
You can get any man to do what you want.
Flowers make everything wrong with the world right again.
You can know nothing about cars and people don't think you're gay.
You can become instantly famous simply by wearing a T-shirt to a water park.
You have the power to instantly change your mood by the act of buying a new pair of shoes.
You can accidentally go into the wrong bathroom and no one will yell at you.
You can't get sued for telling a dirty joke.
Watching construction workers from an office window is considered recreation.
You don’t have skid marks on your underwear.
You have an average life span that is four years longer than men.
You never have to change a flat tire in the rain.
You can't get thrown in jail when you miss a month of child support.
Your bathrooms always qualify for Better Homes and Gardens.
You'll never get drafted and told to go to some jungle or desert where people are shooting at you.
People don't think anything of it when you choose from one of twelve moods you would like to display at any given moment.
You can ask directions at any gas station and no one thinks you're gay.
You have a valid excuse to leave work if you have a run in your stocking.
You don't have to mow the lawn.
You can manage to do a load of laundry without your underwear turning pink.
You don't have to wear ties.
You don't have to "jiggle" when you're done using the john.
You can go without shaving for days at a time and no one notices.

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911

A mother calls 911, very worried asking the dispatcher, if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, her kid had eaten ants.
The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl & the kid'll be fine.
Mother says ' I just gave him some Ant killer'
Dispatcher 'RUSH HIM IN TO EMERGENCY'!!

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God go to the bathroom

Mum, does God go to the bathroom?
I don’t know. Why?
Well, every morning Dad goes to the bathroom, knocks on the door and shouts, "Oh, God! Are you still in there?"

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Top Ten Things Men and Women Never Say

TEN THINGS A MAN WOULD NEVER SAY TO A WOMAN

10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool mother_____.
9. While I'm up, can I get anyone a beer?
8. I'm absolutely wrong; you must be right.
7. Her t__s are just too big.
6. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. I hate Baywatch. That show is so shallow.
4. Sure, I would love to wear a condom.
3. We haven't been to the mall for ages. Let's go shopping so I can hold your purse.
2. To heck with Monday Night Football. Let's watch Murphy Brown.
1. I think we're lost. We'd better pull over and ask for directions.

TEN THINGS A WOMAN WOULD NEVER SAY TO A MAN

10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the toilet seat up; that's the way I like it.
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away; the holes in the armpits are just too cute.
5. This diamond is way too big.
4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
3. Wow, it's too big.
2. Does this make my butt look too small?
1. I'm wrong; you must be right.

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Things Women Must Understand About Men

Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss
Most guys own three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done...not both.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
If it itches, it will be scratched.
Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

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Different Characteristics of Men and Women

BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, comb, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

OFFSPRING:
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

A FINAL THOUGHT:
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing

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The GoalKeeper

The house was on fire.

A woman appeared at an upstairs Window. she was clutching a baby and screaming, "my baby! my baby! save my baby!"

"throw the baby to me!" shouted a young man. "I'll catch him"

"You might drop him."Shouted the woman.

"I'm a professional footballer." Shouted the man. "I'm a goalkeeper. I'm very good at catching The baby will be safe with me."

The woman threw down the baby to the young man who put all his professional expertise into operation, and he expertly CAUGHT the baby. Wow.

Then, unthinkingly, kicked it over the garden wall.

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The Pastor

A pastor is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the pastor moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the pastor smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

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Daddy's car in the woods

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt..Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.'

Mummy fainted!
Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

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Murphy's laws of flying

1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the normal delay in order to make it on time.

2. If you ARE running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.

3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it will inevitably be delayed.

4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.

5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.

6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.

7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.

8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.

9. The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.

10. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

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Leather Sleeping Bag

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Hillary Clinton vs. God

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.

"Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."

God then address Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"

"I believe you're in my chair."

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INTERVIEW REJECTS

So next time when u go for an inteview be prepared for this question....

Story I
E: Do u have a boyfriend?
C: I have.
E: Is he working Locally?
C: No. He is working Overseas.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ u!
C: Why?
E: U will not be able to settle down here permanently. And my Company don't want to pay extra expenses on the Overseas calls just because of u.


Story II
E: Any girl friends?
C: No.
E: So far chased any before?
C: Have, but not successful.
E: Ever think of getting a job first then start looking for a girlfriend?
C: Career is first priority. Currently didn't want to consider This personal issue.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ u.
C: Why?
E: You are lacking of P.R skills and confidence!!


Story III
E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is she pretty?
C: Not quite.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you.
C: Why? Will this affect your company's reputation?
E: No, it does not affect the company's reputation but because My company
is dealing with arts, our company requested an artist.


Story IV
E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is she pretty?
C: Yes.
E: Is she your first lover?
C: Yes.
E: Sorry, we can't employ you because you lack of fighting spirit.


Story V
E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is she your first lover?
C: No. Have a few already.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you because you are a "grasshoper" !
(Job hoper lah!)


Story VI
E: Any boyfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is he rich?
C: No.
E: Then sorry, my company cannot employ you because our Company is dealing with money and you will seduce.


Story VII
E: Any boyfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is he rich ?
C: Yes, very rich.He owns a company.
E: Sorry, we cannot employ you because your boyfriend don't Even want to employ you, neither do we!
C: But,...... there is no position in his company.
E: Then,..... what is your qualification?
C: Secretary!
E: Sorry, we still cannot employ you because your prettiness Will affect our managers' working spirits.
C: But,...... I am not pretty at all.
E: It is even worse because my managers will not be interested In you!!

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If I get hot

Two brunettes and a blonde are driving in the desert when, all of a sudden, their car breaks down.
As none of them have any motoring knowledge, they decide to walk.
Each of them decides to take one thing with her.
The first brunette takes some food in case she gets hungry,
the second brunette takes some water in case she gets thirsty
and the blonde takes a car door.
When questioned about her choice,
the blonde replies: "Well, if I get hot, I can roll down the window!"

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Sex Lives

Some women are sitting around after a card party.
They start complaining about their sex lives.
First woman moans, "My husband is a musician. All he wants to do is sing to it. "
Second woman moans, "My husband is a doctor. All he want to do is examine it."
Third woman moans, "My husband is a psychiatrist. All he wants to do is talk about it."
A big grin on her face, the fourth woman says, " My husband's a mechanic. On our wedding night he tore the hell out of it, and has been working on it ever since."

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The Hooker With Three Breasts

There's this man who's taking a walk around the red light district until he passes a whorehouse with a blinking sign saying: "The Hooker With Three Breasts...".

The man get's just a little interested and thinks "well... that could be a once in a lifetime experience". So he goes in and walks up to the man behind the counter. "I'd like to see the hooker with the three breasts" he says.

"Are you sure you can afford that... It'll cost you a thousand dollars" the pimp replies. But, the man is too exited, pull's his wallet and pays him the money. So, he's taken up three stairs to a little room in the back of the house and when he opens the room... there she is. The room is dark but as he comes closer he sees it...three breasts! And so the man absolutely has the night of his life.

The next day the man walks past that same whorehouse and thinking of the night before and the time he had, he goes in and pays the pimp another thousand dollars. Again, he goes up three stairs to that little dark room in the back of the house. And as the day before, she lies there waiting.

But, as he walks up to the hooker, he sees that something is wrong... "Hey! You had three breasts yesterday..." he says after which she smiles and says "What did you expect honey... you can only suck out a boil like that once!".

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Blind Man

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.
The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ahh, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli." Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Amy, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Amy complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says,

"Hey! I didn't know that Amy worked here!"

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Drowning

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.
The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joined him.
This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof pad and pencil, and wrote, “Amazing! How are you able to stay this deep down without equipment?”
The guy took the pencil and pad, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, “I’m drowning, you moron!”

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Chocolateand Peanuts

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him.
While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.
As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts."
She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em.

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Friday the 13th! Beware

Roger left for work on Friday morning. Friday was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay packet.

Finally, Roger appeared at home on Sunday night, and obviously he was confronted by his angry wife, Martha who castigated Roger for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, Martha stopped the nagging and said to Roger, 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?'

Roger replied grimly, 'That would be fine with me.'

Monday went by and he didn't see his Martha. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

By the Thursday, the swelling had gone down just enough so that Roger he could see Martha a little out of the corner of his left eye

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Newton's First Law

When a third grader was asked to cite Newton's first law, she said, "Bodies in motion remain in motion, and bodies at rest stay in bed unless their mothers call them to get up."

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Congratulations for what

A Software Engineer dies in a car accident and finds himself at the heavens door "Pearly Gates". A beautiful music is being played and all angels are dancing around and singing his name. There is a huge crowd and everyone is screaming his name. The engineer is very delighted and surprised.

Then he sees "Saint Peter" rushing towards him and shakes his hand and says, "Congratulations my son, we have been waiting a very long time to meet you".

The engineer is very embarrassed and asks "Saint Peter, congratulations for what? I honestly didn't do much while I was alive. Then why is all this?"

Saint Peter totally amazed says, "Congratulations for what!!! We're celebrating the fact that you lived for 260 years! .... GOD himself wants to meet you!"

The engineer looks perplexed, "but Saint Peter, I only lived until 36 years"



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Saint peter is shocked "This is impossible son. We have added up all your timesheets !!!

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Memories

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Not in the Hall

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Bat Vision

Once there were three bats. They lived in a cave surrounded by three castles. One night the bats made a bet to see who could drink the most blood.
The first bat comes home one night and has blood dripping off his fangs. The other two bats are amazed and asked how much blood he had drunk.
The first bat said, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people." The second bat goes out on his night and comes back with blood around his mouth. The other two bats are astonished and ask how many people's blood had he drunk. The bat said, "See that castle over there. I drank the blood of five people."
The third bat goes out on his night and comes back covered in blood. This was totally amazing to the other two bats. They ask how much blood he drank. The 3rd bat said, "See that castle over there?" and the other bats nod. "Well," says the third bat, "I didn't."

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Two Lawyers

Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks.
They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.

Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says,
'Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!'

The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.

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Total commitment

A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala charity event was taking place. Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution.

"Great idea!" the chicken cried. "Let's offer them ham and eggs?"

"Not so fast," said the pig. "For you, that's a contribution. For me, it's a total commitment."

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Peanuts

Three mischievous boys went to the zoo one day for an outing, since they had been at school all week.
They decided to visit the elephant cage, but soon enough, they were picked up by a cop for causing a commotion.
The officer hauled them off to security for questioning.
The supervisor in charge asked them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage.
The first boy innocently said, "My name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."
The second added, "My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."
The third boy was a little shaken up and said, "Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts."

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Masturbation

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Monkey Prostitutes

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How agri-corporations around the world would treat their cows.

NORTH AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

FRENCH: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

JAPANESE: You have two cows. You redesign them to 1/10 the size of ordinary cows, producing 20 times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoons called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

GERMAN: You have two cows, re-engineered so they'll live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.

BRITISH: You have two cows. Both are mad.

RUSSIAN: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42. You count them again and learn you have 12. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

SWISS: You have 5,000 cows. None belongs to you. You charge others for storing them.

HINDU: You have two cows. You worship them.

CHINESE: You have two cows and 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest the newsman who questions the numbers.

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Best toast of the night

John hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of my life, between the legs of my wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "What was your toast?"

John said: "Here's to spending the rest of my life, sitting in church beside my wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "He told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"

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Second opinion

Doctor, that rectal exam hurt like hell. What did you do?"
"I used two fingers."
"What for?"
"I needed a second opinion."

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The Knob

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,'
where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
All these years, everything has been working just fine.
I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results.
But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.

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Apartment for Rent

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:
'Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check f or $250 with the following note:
'Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.

So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady...

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Blonde commit suicide

A blonde decides to commit suicide by hanging herself so she goes to the park and....
2 days later a man is walking in the park and sees the blonde hanging on by a rope tied to her stomach.
So he says "Ain't that supposed to be around your neck".
And the blonde says "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe.

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Determination

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What Mother's Think

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Priorities

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Funny Christmas Lights

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Don't step on the ducks

Three guys die in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule in heaven. Don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman.
The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as the first guy.
The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any duck. One day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on. A very tall, tanned, curvaceous, sexy brunette.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The guy remarks, "Wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?"
She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

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What a guy should not say after sex?

"I was kidding about being sterile, you know."

"Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"

"How come it's so BIG in there?"

"You've done this with a lotta guys before, right?"

"Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear, OK?"

(Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?"

(Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"

"You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"

"My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."

"Do you know what a 'douche' is?"

"Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow."

"I want you to try some of MY deodorant."

"I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?"

"Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"

"I never saw a girl with hairy boobs before!"

"I've been getting these little blisters lately....."

"You wanna do those dishes before you leave?"

"You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!"

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Ugliest children

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

A: Ask your mom

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Haircut

The story of someone getting a haircut.

Women's version:

Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men's version:

Man2: Haircut?

Man1: Yeah.

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Road Safety Week

A Traffic Police stopped a car and said," This is the Road Safety Week. As you are driving with the Seat belt on, you are rewarded with 5000 bucks...What will you do with this prize money?

Car Driver: "The first thing I will do is get a driving license.."

His mother sitting on the back seat said," Officer, don't trust him..He is drunk right now.."

His Dad saw the officer and said,"I knew already that we would not be able to get far in this stolen car...."

Suddenly there was a shout from the back storage of the car.." Gusy did we get across the International Border or not..?"

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Low-fat diets

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter

. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."
"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

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I'd like to buy it

A woman goes into an antique shopand says to the owner, "when I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I'd like to buy it."
"Sorry," replied the owner, but I can't sell you that."
"Why not asked the customer?"
"Because that's my husband."

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Sugar Brown's daughter

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr. Sugar Brown's daughter.'

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugar Brown.'

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr. Sugar Brown's daughter?'

She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

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Lost Voice

Man: Doctor my wife recently has lost her voice. What should I do to help her to get it back?

Doctor: Try to come home at 3 in the morning.

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Bizarre things to say and do to a telephone solicitor to get him to hang up and leave you alone

* "So, what are you wearing?"
* Talk very quietly and then without warning, scream as loud as you can into the phone.
* "You'll have to excuse me now, my armpit is on fire."
* "I'm sorry, but this phone is for personal calls only. The boss won't let us use it for business."
* Respond to their questions with fax/modem noises.
* "Have you heard about that study showing that it can cause impotence to sit all day with a telephone receiver next to your head?"
* When they ask to speak with you, say "Just a moment," and give the phone to your six-year old child to carry on the conversation.
* Pretend to be very interested in their product and then quite calmly and earnestly inquire, "Yes, but can it make a six minute casserole?"
* "I am truly sorry but the moon is in the seventh house of Pluto and my astrologer would just die if he knew I was talking to a salesman during this solar phase."
* "This isn't a recording. This isn't a recording. This isn't a recording. This isn't a recording."

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Top 10 Reasons Compilers Are Female

10. Picky, picky, picky.
9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
8. Beauty is only shell deep.
7. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing."
6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
5. Always turning simple statements into big productions.
4. Smalltalk is important.
3. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
2. They make you take the garbage out.
1. Miss a period and they go wild

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The Undeniable Truths Of The Workplace

* The lowest managerial priority is customer service, but the highest priority is persecuting the workers.
* The only person who can get three days off in a week is the general manager.
* Being promoted to a supervisor is actually a demotion considering the fact that you just sold your soul.
* The arrogance level of any given member of management is inversely proportional to their intelligence quotient.
* Don't worry about management's stepping in to do workers' jobs during a strike. They can't run the place with us, so how can they run it without us?
* Don't ever get caught reading anything on the job; the management want to keep us as clueless as they are.
* All managers suffer from selective amnesia; they can only remember Union contract agreements when it benefits their cause.
* The amount of favoritism you receive from management is directly proportional to the amount of a** you kiss and inversely proportional to the quality of work you perform.
* Whenever management posts a letter of thanks to the workers, the employees will again be treated like crap within two minutes of the posting.
* The chances that an employee's idea will ever be implemented are inversely proportional to its ultimate good.
* A new supervisor who has worked for only two days is always construed to know more than workers who have worked in the company for years.
* As soon as a supervisor is promoted to a manager, an inexplicable, sudden drop of 50 IQ points will occur.
* The accountability of the workers is inversely proportional to the accountability of the supervisors and managers.
* If management accidentally discovers that an employee is smart, more work will be expected from that employee.
* Succeeding at the workplace is simply a matter of rising above everyone else's incompetence.
* The more a worker gets yelled at by a manager, the more that worker can take comfort in the fact that they are right.
* In the workplace, incompetence perpetuates itself.
* If a rule does not exist that supports the position of management, they will make one up on the spot.
* You will never get paid for any overtime or extra hours you work unless you catch the forthcoming error and report it to the same management who tried to get away with it in the first place.
* Whenever a new rule or procedure is implemented, the employees must be given either no notice or as little notice as possible.
* The greatest possible threat to any given manager is an employee who is smarter than they are.
* Whenever management comes out with a so-called "policy," it is merely an attempt on their part to circumvent a provision in the Union contract that they don't like.
* In the workplace, managerial incompetence flows from the top on down.

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Have two men at once

Two gorgeous blondes were engaged in a conversation as they entered an elevator in a large office building.
 

One of them said loudly, "Of course my ultimate fantasy has always been to have two men at once."

There was complete silence as every passenger in the elevator slowly turned to look at her.

She then laughed and continued, "One to do the cooking, and the other would do the cleaning."

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17 Ways To Be A WOMAN.... From A Somewhat Bitter Man

1. When asked "Is something bothering you?" reply "no" then get pissed off when you are believed.
2. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him, and immediately expect him to stop this behavior.
3. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.
4. Always hide very important events in very unimportant terms so you can have something to be pissed about when your boyfriend declines because he has pressing business: i.e. You say "It's no big deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit my parents with me if you are not busy this weekend." when you mean "It means a great deal to me for you to see my family with me this weekend!
5. Whine.
6. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost superhuman level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep it's because he is lazy.
7. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.
8. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.
9. Complain.
10. Hate any bar he likes.
11. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything - except when paying for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers, clothes, etc. - these are required gifts proving his love.
12. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all the stress of your life.
13. Remember that ANY woman who so much as glimpses at your boyfriend must be labeled a WHORE and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quickly as possible.
14. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.
15. Break into tears for no apparent reason, then use number 1.
16. Ask for help in some endeavor then become livid when it is given.
17. Weasel yourself into your boyfriend's group of friends, break up with him, then make sure you are present at every gathering for the next month just to rub it in.

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The Pro's of Womanhood

• We got off the Titanic first.
• We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
• We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
• Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - guys look like complete idiots in ours.
• We can be groupies - Male groupies are stalkers.
• We can smile and get off speeding fines.
• Taxis stop for us.
• Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
• We don't look like a frog in a blender when we dance.
• Free drinks!
• Free dinners!
• We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
• We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
• We know the truth about whether size matters.
• Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.
• It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
• No fashion faux pas we could make would ever rival Speedo's.
• We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
• If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
• We can congratulate our team mate without ever touching her ass.
• We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
• If we're dumb some people think it's cute.
• We have an excuse to be a total witch at least once a month.
• We can talk to people of the opposite sex without automatically picturing them naked.
• If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we look like an idiot.
• Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask if there is spinach in our teeth.
• There are times when chocolate really can solve all our problems.
• Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable.
• We'll never regret piercing our ears.
• We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

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Russian Roulette and African Roulette

The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador.
For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette.
One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger." This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable.
Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers. Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.
The African ambassador was much impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay.
Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette".
So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women. The African ambassador said "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes.
Any one of them will provide you with oral sex - take your pick".
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador Answered, "One of them is a cannibal"

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It's a Mushroom

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I slept with your mother

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

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Strange noises

A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents" room, and he decided to investigate. As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mum and dad shagging for all they were worth.

"DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing?"

"It’s ok," his father replied. "Your mother wants a baby, that’s all."

The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face. Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother giving his father a blow job.

"DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing now?"

"Son, there’s been a change of plan," his father replied. "Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW."

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Tennessee Volunteer fan

Two boys are playing football in Huntsville, Alabama, when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a big board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar, and twists it, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter was strolling by, sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Alabama Crimson Tide Fan Rescues Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Alabama Crimson Tide fan," the little hero replies.

"Sorry -- since we're in Huntsville, I just assumed you were," says the reporter, and he starts again. "Little Auburn Tigers Fan Rescues Friend From Deathly Attack," he continues in his notebook.

"I'm not a Auburn fan either," the boy says.

"I assumed everyone who lived in the Alabama area was either for Alabama or Auburn. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.

"I'm a Tennessee Volunteer fan," the boy replies.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Kills Beloved Family Pet!"

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What do you do all day?

What do you do all day??

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and 20 wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, and so the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, break fast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.

As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys thrown over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and tooth paste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went..
He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?'
She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?'

'Yes, ' was his incredulous reply.
She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it...'

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Men Are Like

1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.

2 Men are like. Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

3.Men are likeWeather. Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like BlendersYou need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.

Love Humor? Join our Group Funzug!

7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8.Men are like ..Government Bonds ..... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like ..Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10.Men are likePopcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Now send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any understanding good-natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to know !!!!!!!!!!

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Free milk and Sausage

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

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G-Spot and a golf ball

What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A man will actually search for a golf ball.

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SEMINARS FOR MEN

1. Combating Stupidity
2. You Can Do Housework Too
3. PMS - Learning When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
4. How to Fill an Ice Tray
5. We do not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas. GIVE US MONEY.
6. Understanding the Female Response to your Coming in Drunk at 3am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly called "Don't Wash my Silks")
8. Parenting - No, it Doesn't End with Conception.
9. How not to Act like an Ass, When you are Obviously Wrong
10. Get a Life - Learn to Cook.
11. Spelling - Even you can get it right
12. You - The Weaker Sex
13. Reasons to give Flowers
14. How to stay awake after sex
15. Why it is Unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the Washroom
16. Rubbish - Getting it out of the house.
17. You Can Fall Asleep With Out It - If You Really Try
18. The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake, Take a Shower
19. I'll Wear it if I Damn Well Please
20. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly called "No, It's Not A Bidet")
21. Give me a Break - Why we know your excuses are B.S.
22. The Weekend and Sports are not Synonymous
23. How to Go Shopping with your Mate without Getting Lost
24. The Remote Control - Overcoming your Dependency
25. Romanticism - Other Ideas Besides Sex
26. Helpful Posture Hints for Couch Potatoes
27. Changing your Underwear - It Really Works
28. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
29. You Too Can Be a Designated Driver
30. Male Bonding - Leaving your Friends at Home
31. Fluffing the Blankets after Releasing Gas is NOT Necessary
32. The Attainable Goal - Omitting *@#$&$ From Your Vocabulary
33. Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially When Naked

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Employee Resignation

The name is good, the brand is big
But the work I do is that of a pig
The work or the brand; what is my way?
I don't know if I should stay.

To work, they have set their own way
Nobody will care to hear what I say
My will be NULL, they wont change their way
I don't know if I should stay.

The project is in a critical stage
But to do good work, this is the age
This dilemma is killing me day by day
I don't know if I should stay.

The money is good, the place is great
But the development is at a very small rate
Should I go for the work, or wait for pay
I don't know if I should stay!

The managers don't know what they talk
The team doesn't know where they walk
That's a bad situation, what say?
I don't know if I should stay.

I can go to any other place
But what if I get the same disgrace
I can't keep switching day by day
I don't know if I should stay.

The -ves are more, the +ves are less
Then why have this unnecessary mess
No more will I walk their way,
It's all done, I won't stay.

Thanks & Regards
Employee

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Blondes and Brunettes

WHAT'S THE REAL REASON A BRUNETTE KEEPS HER FIGURE?
No one else wants it.

WHY ARE SO MANY BLONDE JOKES ONE-LINERS?
So brunettes can remember them.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BRUNETTE IN A ROOM FULL OF BLONDES?
Invisible.

WHAT'S A BRUNETTE'S MATING CALL?
"Has the blonde left yet? "

WHAT DO BRUNETTES MISS MOST ABOUT A GREAT PARTY?
The invitation

WHO MAKES BRAS FOR BRUNETTES?
Fisher-Price

WHY ARE BRUNETTES SO PROUD OF THEIR HAIR?
It matches their mustache

KNOW WHO INVENTED BLONDE JOKES?
brunettes, they had nothing better to do on Friday or Saturday nights

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Coffee bar

Question: What shouldn't you wear at a coffee bar?
Answer: A "tea" shirt!

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The Corporate language !!

"We will do it" means " You will do it"

"You have done a great job" means "More work to be given to you"

"We are working on it" means "We have not yet started working on the same"

"Tomorrow first thing in the morning" means "Its not getting done... At least not tomorrow !".

"After discussion we will decide - I am very open to views" means "I have already decided, I will tell you what to do"

"There was a slight miscommunication" means "We had actually lied"

"Lets call a meeting and discuss" means "I have no time now, will talk later"

"We can always do it" means "We actually cannot do the same on time"

"We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline" means "The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time."

"We had slight differences of opinion" means "We had actually fought"

"Make a list of the work that you do and let's see how I can help you" means "Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me"

"You should have told me earlier" means "Well even if you told me earlier that would have made hardly any difference!"

"We need to find out the real reason" means "Well I will tell you where your fault is"

"We are a team" means "I am not the only one to be blamed"

"That's actually a good question" means "I do not know anything about it"

"All the Best" means " You are in trouble"

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HR Language........What they really mean..

• “COMPETITIVE SALARY” We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
• “JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY” We have no time to train you.
• “CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE” We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up.
• “MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED” You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
• “SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED” Some time each night and some time each weekend.
• “DUTIES WILL VARY” Anyone in the office can boss you around.
• “MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL” We have no quality control.
• “CAREER-MINDED” Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
• “APPLY IN PERSON” If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.
• “NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE” We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
• “SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE” You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.
• “PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST” You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
• “REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS” You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
• “GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS” Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

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Pappu & Ravan! - A Management Lesson

Once Pappu started praying to Ravan and after 1 year of deep meditation Ravan was pleased and appeared in front of Pappu and decided to give him 3 vardans (wishes).

RAVAN: Say vatsa! What you want?

PAPPU: I want 100 vardans

RAVAN: But I can give you only 3 vardans

PAPPU: But I want 100 vardans.

RAVAN: No child that’s not possible.

PAPPU: No I want 100 vardans only

RAVAN: No I can give you only 3. If you want then take or else I am going.

PAPPU: Ok! But whatever I will ask, you will definitely give me?

RAVAN: Sure it's promise from Rakshas Raj Ravana.

PAPPU: 1st vardan, convert your GADA on shoulder to wooden bamboo stick.

RAVAN: "Tathastu" and his gada turns into a stick.

PAPPU: 2nd Vardan, put that stick in your ass..!!

RAVAN: (confused but ......) "Thathastu" and in great pain asks Pappu to ask for the third vardan .... ASAP ...

PAPPU: Now are you giving me rest 97 vardans or should I convert that stick back to GADA ?

Moral of the story: Management will not yield to your simple request until u can give pain in their ass.

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Is your girlfriend lesbian

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Floss

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Redneck Bodysuit

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Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.

What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack... I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer..we'd both still be alive.

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Missing Cock

The priest in a small village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.
But one Saturday night the cock went missing!
The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.
During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen MY cock?" All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

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Mad Cow Disease

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, “I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.” The other cow replies, “I ain’t worried, it don’t affect us ducks.”

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Keep an Irishman busy

Q: How do you keep an Irishman busy for hours?

A: Put three spades on the wall and tell him to take his pick.

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Cavity

Mom walked into the bathroom one day and found young Johnny furiously scrubbing his penis with a toothbrush and toothpaste.

"What the heck do you think you're doing, young man!?" she exclaimed.

"Don't try to stop me!" Johnny warned. "I'm gonna do this three times a day, because there's no way I'm gonna get a cavity that looks and smells as bad as my sister's."

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Redneck Truckers

Zek and Luke went to a trucking company to apply for a "Team" truck driving job. The personnel manager decided, after talking to them both that they weren't the sharpest knives in the drawer. He decides to interview them separately. He first interviews Zek. After 15 minutes he completes the interview. Zek barely passes. Next he interviews Luke. He begins by asking the usual transportation related questions. Luke also barely passes.

The personnel manager next interview them together. He presents them with this potential problem: Now Zek and Luke, lets say that you two are a driving team. One of you is driving the rig and the other is asleep in the back. You are going down this very steep hill with sixty thousand pounds of steel on the truck. All of a sudden your breaks go out and your speed is increasing. What would be the first thing you'd do ?

About a minute passes and there was no answer. Then, all of a sudden Luke spoke up.

"I know, I know, I know the first thing I'd do". The personnel manager says "yes Luke, what is the first thing you'd do?" Luke says, "I'd wake Zek up." The personnel manager replies, "WHAT ! "Why would wake Zek up ?"

Coos, says Luke, "He ain't never seen no big accident before!"

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NECROPHILIA

A man was brought before the judge and charged with NECROPHILIA (making love to a dead person).

The judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing. Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the jail keys in the toilet?"

The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons:

1. It's none of your damn business;
2. She was my wife; and.....
3. I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way!"

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Ramayan- Biwiyon ki kahani!

Poori RAMAYAN biwiyon ki kahani hi to hai.........

Laxman apni biwi ghar pe chhod kar chala aya.
Rawan doosre ki utha ke phans gaya .

Hanuman ki apni thi hi nahi magar doosre ki dhoondane mein Lanka jala dali.
Ram ko apni wapas laane ke liye 10 din tak ladai karni padi.

Wapas lake bhi kya mila?
Ek dhobi ne apni biwi ko wapas ghar mein nahin liya, to Ram ne apniwali ko out kar diya.

Aur end mein kya hua?
Jis biwi ke karan itni badi ramayan hui wo to underground chali gayi!

Ab socho. Sara jhamela hua kyon?
Kyonki Dashrath ki teen biwiyan thi

LOL!!!!!!

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Roles of Hindu mythology characters in terms of Computer

Brahma - Systems Installation

Vishnu - Systems Administration & Support

Lakshmi - Finance and Accounts consultant

Saraswati - Training and Knowledge Management

Shiva - DBA (Crash Specialist)

Ganesh - Quality Assuarance & Documentation

Narada - Data transfer

Yama - Re-organization & Downsizing Consultant

Chitragupta - IDP & Personal Records

Apsaras - Downloadable Viruses

Devas - Mainframe Programmers

Surya - Solaris Administrator

Rakshasas - In house Hackers

Ravan - Internet Explorer WWW

Kumbhakarnan - Zombie Process

Lakshman - Support Software and Backup

Hanuman - Linux/s390

Vaali - MS Windows

Sugreeva - DOS

Jatayu - Firewall

Dronacharya - System Programmer

Vishwamitra - Sr. Manager Projects

Shakuni - Annual appraisal & Promotion

Valmiki - Technical Writer (Ramayana Sign off document)

Krishna - SDLC ( Sudarshan Wheel Development Life Cycle )

Dharm! araj Yudhishthira - ISO Consultant (CMM level 5)

Arjun - Lead Programmer (all companies are vying for him)

Abhimanyu - Trainee Programmer

Draupadi - Motivation & Team building|

Bhima - MAINFRAME LEGACY SYSTEM

Duryodhana - Microsoft product Written in VB

Karna - Contract programmer

Dhrutarashtra - Visual C++

Gandhari - Dreamweaver

100 Kauravas - Microsoft Service Packs and patches

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More Hilarious One Liners

Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is husband !

A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without,,, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

You can't buy love . . . but you pay heavily for it.

Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway .

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me .

You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.

They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak .

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Saving Time

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

He explained: "The restaurant's owners hired ABCD Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analyses, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So when he came back to ask about desert, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly," Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so ob-servant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 per cent."

I was impressed, but something struck me as odd and I asked, "After you get it out, how do you put it back in?" "I don't know about the others," he whispered, "but I use the spoon."

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You know you're getting older

- When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
- When your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.
- When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest you.
- When you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
- When your wife says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
- Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
- When you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
- You know you're getting old when your semi-annual erection becomes an annual semi-erection!
- You and your teeth don't sleep together.
- Your back goes out, but you stay home.

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