Nerd VS Micheal Jordan

What’s the matter?

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.
“What’s the matter?” he was asked.
He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.”
“She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?”
“She was talking to the damn doctor!”

Believe

One summer, a drought threatened the crop in a small town.

On a hot and dry Sunday, the village parson told his congregation, “There isn’t anything that will save us except to pray for rain. Go home, pray, believe, and come back next  Sunday ready to thank God for sending rain.”

The people did as they were told and returned to church the following Sunday. But as soon as the parson saw them, he was furious.

“We can’t worship today. You do not yet believe,” he said.
“But,” they protested, “we prayed, and we do believe.”
“Believe?” he responded. “Then where are your umbrellas?”

The other side

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

Runways are clear

At the counter, a woman was complaining about the departure time, saying,
"Young man, I could stick a feather in my damn arse and get there faster."

The clerk smiled and said, "Madam, the runways are clear. You are free to take off!"

Polish Woman

What's the difference between a polish woman and a pizza?
You can choose with or without mushrooms on the pizza!

King of the Jungle

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The trembling monkey answered, "You are, mighty lion!

Later, the lion confronted an ox and fiercely bellowed, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The terrified ox stammered, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll now, the lion swaggered up to an elephant and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatched up the lion with his trunk and slammed him against a tree half a dozen times, leaving the lion feeling as if it had been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion until it looked like a corn tortilla and ambled away.

The lion let out a moan of pain, lifted his head weakly, and hollered after the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"

Stupid Guy

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company.
There’s plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he’s doing alright – but after a few months he gets lonely…
The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc.
But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.
One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious.
He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health.
Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him “Thank you, thank you for saving my life.
I don’t know how I can ever repay you. I’ll do anything for you, anything, just name it.”
The guy thinks for a minute and says, “Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?”

Johnny and his cat

Teacher: "Johnny why is your cat at school today?"

John (crying): "I heard the postman tell my mummy when the kid goes to school I'm going to eat your fu*#in pussy!"

It will give me time to get away

A female student wished to make some potassium hydroxide solution (aqueous) and decided to throw a large lump of potassium into a bucket of water.

Her professor observed what she was about to do, out of the corner of his eye and hurried towards her, and after confirming this was what she was intending to do, asked her first to stir the water in the bucket for five minutes before adding the potassium.

She was puzzled and ran after him to ask the purpose of this action.

'It will give me time to get away' said the professor.

A Smart Business Plan

A new shift manager was being shown around the Latex factor where he was just hired. The plant manufactures various latex products, and has a reputation for using cutting edge technology in theirmanufacturing process.
On one side ofthe building, the factory makes baby bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise, and the shift manager asks his tour guide what it's doing. "As the rubber is being injected into the mold, it makes a hiss noise." he says "The popping sound is from needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

On the other sideof the building, the two men look at the condom making machine. This machine makes a "hiss.. hiss... hiss-pop" sound during the manufacturing process. "Wait a second," the future shift manager says, "I know what the hiss, hiss is... but what's with the 'pop' noise every once in a while?""Oh, that hehe.

It's the same as the baby bottle nipple process." says the guide... "It pokes a hole in every third condom.""But that can't be good for the condoms!" the observant shift manager replied."Nah, but it'sreallygood for the baby bottle nipple business!"

Kids and Religion

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad."

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran, she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

An elderly woman died last month.  Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, don't want them take me out when I'm dead.

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"  He said, "Call for backup."

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.  After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"  Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if You can't make me a better boy,  don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am!"

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing.  My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight
people to collect all the money!"

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2 Horse Power

Smart Neighbours

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call sir," replied the dispatcher.

The next day, FBI agents sneak up on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They yell at the neighbor and leave.

The phone rings at the neighbor's house.
Hey, Bill, did the FBI come?"

"Sure Did!"

"Did they chop your firewood?!"

"Yep!"

"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed!!"

Yankees

How many yankees does it take to screw in an lightbulb?

None. Thats what rednecks are for.

Dictionary Of New Slang

*AEROPLANE BLONDE: One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

*AUSSIE KISS: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

*BADLY PACKED KEBAB: A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia.

*BEER COAT: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.

*BEER COMPASS: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.

*BEER SCOOTER: The ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not remember it i.e." I don't even remember getting home last night, I must have caught the beer scooter".

*BOBFOC: Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch

*BREAKING THE SEAL: Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

*BRITNEY SPEARS: Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g. "Couple of Britney's please"

*BRUCE LEE: Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).

*BUDGIE'S TONGUE: The female erection.

*DOUBLE-BASS: A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's Tongue with the other. (The position is similar to that used when playing a double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.)

*ETCH-A-SKETCH: Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.

*GOING FOR A MCSHIT: Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit With Lies.

*GREYHOUND: A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

*HAND-TO-GLAND COMBAT: A vigorous masturbation session.

*JOHNNY-NO-STARS: A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

*MILLENNIUM DOMES: The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually f-all in there worth seeing.

*MUMBLER: An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc. i. e. you can see the 'lips' moving but can't quite make out what they're saying.

*MYSTERY BUS: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

*MYSTERY TAXI: The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

*NELSON MANDELA: Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).

*PEARL HARBOUR: Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbor" out there (there's a nasty nip in the air)

*PICASSO ARSE: A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

*SALAD DODGER: An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

*SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die

*SWAMP-DONKEY: A deeply unattractive woman.

*TART FUEL: Bottled Alco pops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.

*TESTICULATING: Waving your arms around and talking bullocks

*TITANIC: A lady who goes down first time out.

*TODGER DODGER: A lesbian.

*UP ON BLOCKS: Menstruating i. e. out of action, a bit like a car in a garage. e. g. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks".

*WANK SEANCE: During a masturbation session, the eerie feeling that you're being watched with disgust by your dead relatives.

Corporate Lessons

CORPORATE LESSON 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 dollars to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she get to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor" she replies.

"Great!" the husband says. "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to the credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

CORPORATE LESSON 2

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

---------------------------
CORPORATE LESSON 3

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered, "Sure, why not?"

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

--------------------------------------
CORPORATE LESSON 4

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree", sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: B.S. (bull shit) might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Big Tits vs. Little Tits

Women with Big Tits...

..can get a taxi on the worst days
..have men give them the best seats on a bus.
..have a neat place to carry spare change
..have always been the center of the arts (art)
..make jogging a spectator sport
..can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
..have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)
..usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
..can always carry a little extra cash
..always float better
..know where to look first for lost earrings
..rarely lack for a slow dance partner
..have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner
..never have to buy a car with airbags
..have a place to carry a extra beer


Women with Little Tits...

..don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
..always look younger
..find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
..can always see their toes and shoes
..can sleep on their stomachs
..have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
..know that people can read the entire message on their T-shirts
..know that everything more than a handful is wasted
..can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle
..can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out
..never be accused of having implants.

Rejected

Three Wishes

A man who hated his mother-in-law got three wishes from a genie.
Genie: "Whatever you wish for, your mother-in-law gets DOUBLE."
First wish: "I would like one billion dollars."
Genie: "Ok but mom get's two billion."
Second wish: "I would like an island off the coast of Greece."
Genie: "OK but mom get's two islands."
Third wish: " I would like you to beat me half to death."

Speed limit

There was this car that was driving very slowly down the highway. A State Trooper pulls it over. "What have I done wrong, officer?" the driver asks.
"You are going 26mph on a major highway. There is a law against that," the officer says to the driver. "You must go at least 50mph."
"But when I turned on the highway, the sign said 26!" the driver replies.
"HA HA HA!" The officer laughs out loud. "That is because this is Interstate 26! The 26 isn't the speed limit!"
The driver leans back in her car seat and the cop sees another woman sitting beside her. She looked as pale as a ghost.
"What happened to her?" the officer asks.
"I don't know, but she has been that way ever since we got off of interstate 160."

Obsessions

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go home."

What did you steal?

"Sir, I understand you admit to having broken into the dress shop four times," the judge said.

"Yes, Your Honor," the suspect replied.

"What did you steal?" the judge asked.

"I stole a dress, Your Honor," replied the suspect.

"One dress?" the judge bellowed. "But you have admitted to breaking in four times!"

"Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect, "but the first three times my wife didn't like the color!"

Sexual Harrasment

One day a women walks into work in a short skirt. As she’s walking to her desk she gets stopped by a co-worker, who says, "Your hair smells really nice today." She grimaces and stomps into her manager’s office. She says, "I want to file a sexual harassment complaint!" and then relates what happened. The manager says, "What’s wrong with him complimenting how your hair smells?" Furious, she snarls, "He’s a midget!"

Dictionary for women

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Finding My Wife

Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide.
One says to the other, “I’m sorry – I was looking for my wife.”"What a coincidence, so am I, and I’m getting a little desperate.”
“Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?”
“She’s beautiful, long hair, amazing face, tall, long legs, firm body, high heals and black stockings.
What’s your wife look like?”
“Never mind, I’ll help you find yours!”

When you gotta go

The ant and the grasshopper

CLASSIC VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

MODERN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Then a representative of the NAAGB (National Association of Green Bugs) shows up on Nightline and charges the ant with "green bias," and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism.

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings "It's Not Easy Being Green." Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening News to tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the
prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan summers, or as Bill refers to it, the "Temperatures of the 80's."

Richard Gephardt exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."

Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act" retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the, government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday's between 1:30 and 3pm when there are no talkshows scheduled.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly applauding group of politicians announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in America.

Comments made on student report cards

These are actual comments made on student report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, some of these are really funny!


1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thingie to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

Exclusive nudist colony

Larry joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and Larry immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says, "Sir, did you call for me?"

Larry replies, "No, what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here, let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Larry continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The huge man says, "Sir, did you call for me?"

Larry replies, "No, what do you mean?"

The huge man says, "You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Larry around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Larry rushes back to the colony office. The smiling naked receptionist greets him, "May I help you?"

Larry says, "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee."

The receptionist replies, "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours, you only saw a small fraction of our facilities...."

Larry explains, "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. Thanks but - No thanks!"

Stages of Life - Men and Women

FEMALE
Drink
• 17: Wine Coolers
• 25: White wine
• 35: Red wine
• 48: Dom Perignon
• 66: Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
Excuses For Refusing Dates
• 17: Need to wash my hair
• 25: Need to wash and condition my hair
• 35: Need to color my hair
• 48: Need to have Francois color my hair
• 66: Need to have Francois color my wig
Favourite Sport
• 17: shopping
• 25: shopping
• 35: shopping
• 48: shopping
• 66: shopping
Drug
• 17: shopping
• 25: shopping
• 35: shopping
• 48: shopping
• 66: shopping
Definition Of A Successful Date
• 17: "Burger King"
• 25: "Free meal"
• 35: "A diamond"
• 48: "A bigger diamond"
• 66: "Home Alone"
Favourite Fantasy
• 17: tall, dark and handsome
• 25: tall, dark and handsome with money
• 35: tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
• 48: a man with hair
• 66: a man

MALE
Drink
• 17: beer
• 25: beer
• 35: vodka
• 48: double vodka
• 66: Maalox
Seduction Line
• 17: My parents are away for the weekend.
• 25: My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
• 35: My fiancee is away for the weekend.
• 48: My wife is away for the weekend.
• 66: My second wife is dead.
Favourite Sport
• 17: sex
• 25: sex
• 35: sex
• 48: sex
• 66: napping
Drug
• 17: pot
• 25: coke
• 35: really good coke
• 48: power
• 66: coke, a limousine, the company jet
Definition Of A Successful Date
• 17: "tongue"
• 25: "breakfast"
• 35: "She didn't set back my therapy."
• 48: "I didn't have to meet her kids."
• 66: "Got home alive."

Things that men hate about women

Illness
Women are crap when you're ill. Their firm belief that all men are hypochondriacs and oversensitive to pain makes for an indifferent bedside manner. Instead of tea and sympathy, you get two aspirin (no water) and a lecture on how painful menstrual cramps are. If a man wants proper nursing from a woman then, as with many other things, he has to pay a complete stranger.

Hair
Women leave hair everywhere. While this is a fact of life that most men accept, it is a source of endless annoyance to us that your regular copious hair loss doesn't result in a corresponding bald patch. It just isn't fair.

Work
Women work too hard. Sitting next to a woman at work can be a shaming experience. While female co-workers can sometimes be drawn into idle chat or cajoled into sloping off early, it usually turns out they've finished all their work early.

Back massages
Women continue to require men to give them back massages as part of foreplay, even though it usually just puts them to sleep. Even the most naively compliant of us men, however, eventually see through this ruse.

Sex
As far as sexual experimentation goes, women generally run through their repertoire once with a new boyfriend, like it's a driving test, and then after a month settle back to counting ceiling tiles. There are exceptions to this rule, of course, but we can't get any of them to return our phone calls.

Impotence
"It's all right, I don't mind" is not a comforting thing to say to a man suffering from a bout of impotence. It just implies you didn't want to do it anyway. Granted, "I'm really disappointed" doesn't sound much better, but at least it doesn't suggest a narrow escape. Offer him a face-saving way out; ask for a back massage and then start snoring after a few minutes.

Hormones
Women feel free to use their hormones as an excuse for almost any mood or behaviour: weeping during Casualty, not being able to parallel park properly...

Revenge
Women don't seem to have any statute of limitations on revenge. It doesn't seem odd to a woman to fling a glass of wine into a man's face for something he said six weeks ago. Women are proud of this faculty but shouldn't be surprised if the results are disappointing. Men are like dogs; they have to have their noses rubbed in something pretty much right away to get any reaction other than bewildered whimpering.

Fat
There's no correct answer to the question, "Do you think I'm fat?" when it's asked by a woman. "No" means "yes"; "yes" means "yes"; and even "it doesn't matter", surprisingly enough, seems to mean "yes".

Gifts
Women use gift-giving occasions to test a man's taste and judgement, to see if he will once again hand over a hideous dress, vulgar jewellery or a nasty perfume. He will, so stop testing him and tell him exactly what to get - and where to get it from.

Matchmaking
Women muck around with each other's personal lives in a highly cavalier manner: matchmaking incompatible couples, giving disastrous advice to friends who are having affairs and reporting all confidential information directly to the person who isn't supposed to know. The resulting havoc is then consumed as dinner-party conversation. In this dangerous game, men are but pawns.

Gay Men
Women pretend to know exactly which men are gay and which men aren't. But, if truth be told, they haven't actually got a clue who is and who isn't. Most women have said, "I always knew you were gay" to every single one of their boyfriends - except the one who really was gay.

Friends
It's the aim of every woman to replace all of her boyfriend's friends with all her friends' boyfriends. Women are so territorial about friends that it's safe for a man to assume that she will hate any friend of his that he didn't meet through her.
know that there is always a koala eating leaves somewhere.

Losing things
Women lose things and make men look for them. Men lose things too, but don't have time to look for them. They're too busy fishing under the fridge for the earrings you left in the shop. Here are a few tips: your sunglasses are on your head and your keys are probably still in the door.
 

Long Life
Women live longer. There's a smug, built-in biological swagger in the way women carry around the extra 10-odd years which life has dealt them. It gives them a kind of patience in arguments, knowing that they'll eventually have the last laugh when they're still around to unplug your life-support machine.

Food
Women go on diets. They buy half the food that they normally buy. This means that the man too only gets half the food he's used to, even if he is bordering on malnutrition already. Is it any wonder that we patronise kebab vans and curry houses?

The Bathroom
Women have on average 102 items of personal hygiene equipment in the bathroom. Men have 6 and that includes the razor. There may be a reason for this imbalance, but it escapes us. Surely there aren't 102 distinct parts on a woman that require different soaps, potions or ointments? Or is there something you're not telling us?


Babies
Women cluck over other peoples' babies for hours to a quite nauseating level. It's called the "mothering instinct" only because "behaviour aimed to scare the crap out of your boyfriend-stroke-husband-to-be" is too much of a mouthful. 

Rules of Bedroom Golf

  1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment, normally one club and two balls.
  2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
  3. Unlike outdoor golf the object of the game is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
  4. For most effective play the club should have a firm shaft, course owners are permitted to check stiffness before play begins.
  5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
  6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied the game is complete, failure to do so may result being denied permission to play the course again.
  7. It is considered bad form to beging playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed bunkers.
  8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to cause damage to players equipment for this reason.
  9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their protection
  10. Players should ensure that their match has been properly scheduled particularly when playing a new course. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone playing on what they consider to be a private course.
  11. Players are advised to obtain course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
  12. Slow play is encouraged. However players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at least temporarily at the course owners request.
  13. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting to play the same hole several times in one match.
  14. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player...

Three Black Women

There were three old black ladies getting ready to take a plane across the ocean.

The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gunna wear me some hot pink panties beefo I gets on dat plane."

"Why you gonna wear dem fo ?" the other two asked.

The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying > butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first."

The second lady says, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some flooresant orange panties."

"Why you gonna wear dem?" the others asked.

The second lady answered: "Cause if dis hareplane is goin' down and I'm floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first."

The third old lady says, "Well, I'm n ot going to wear any panties....."

"What? No panties?!" the others said in disbelief.

"Dat's right, you heard me. I'm not wearing any panties, "the third lady said, "cause if dis plane goes down, honey dey always look for da black box first!

Medication for rest of Life

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know, 'that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life? '
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
'I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.'

Secret of Women's Rest Rooms

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said " You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

MEN NEVER LISTEN

Divorced woman and A Genie

A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badlyscrewed she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lampwashing up onshore.
She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!!
The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him.
As a consolation, the genie informs that he will give her three wishes.
But, hecautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.
The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makesher first wish.
The first wish was for a billion dollars.
The genie grantsher wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollarbills.
The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of10 billion dollars.
The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish.
Thesecond wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own privatebeach.
In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds gain thather ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points own the beachto a small development of ten such mansions.
Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish.
Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish.
But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get tentimes what she wishes for.
No problem, said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy.
For my last wish..."Id like to give birth to twins".

The seven kinds of passionate women

The seven kinds of passionate women
1.The Optimist - "Yes! Yes! Yes!"
2.The Pessimist - "No! No! No!"
3.The Confused - "Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! Yes! No! No!"
4.The Asthmatic - written rendition of gasping
5.The Sprinter - "Faster! Agh! Faster! Faster!"
6.The Religious - "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!
7.The Mathematician - "More! More! More! More!

Stories - Age Difference

What is the difference between girls aged:8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?
At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!

Redneck Gazebo

Trust

Passwords are like Underwear

What was in the prince's pants?

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what;

Metal,

Wood,

Stone,

Anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,

'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.

But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.

The prince went away sadly .

The second prince brought diamonds.

He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess,

'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red .

She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.

And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed!

And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?
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M&M's of course..

Operated by Son

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '

'Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.'

Special Pig

So I was driving around the west of Ireland when my car broke down.

Right up the road was a little farm, and farmer Séamus was kind enough to make me some tea and let me stay at the farm while I waited for a mechanic. We were walking around the farmstead for a bit when I spotted this tiny little pig cheerfully limping about on three legs.

"Hey! That pig has got only three legs!", I blurted out, surprised.

And Séamus said, "Ooh, that's Róisín right there. And what a special pig she is."

He continued, "Once I was out in the field on my combine harvester, and somehow my coat got caught on the door and I fell out and landed in front of the machine! Oh, if Róisín hadn't been there that day to drag me away I would have surely been mauled to death by my own machine. Ah, and what a special pig she is."

"So that's how it lost its leg?" I asked, naturally.

"Ooh, no," Seamus said. "Just last month Siobhán, my four-year old daughter, was out playing by the well. And she fell into the well! Oh, if Róisín hadn't been there that day to pull her out I don't know how I could live with myself. Ah, and what a special pig she is."

"Aha," I said. "So that's how the pig lost a leg."

"Ooh, no," Seamus said. "Only last Sunday, my son Callum was out playing on the frozen lake. But the ice cracked and he fell in the ice-cold water! Oh, if Róisín hadn't been there that day to rescue him I don't know what I would have done. Ah, and what a special pig she is."

"So... I guess that must be how it lost its leg?"

"Ooh, no," Seamus said. "But you wouldn't eat a pig that special all in one go, now would ya."

All men are men

An attractive, well built blonde from Dublin arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY- - - -
Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb
but all men are men.

Guess My Age

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29."

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

Worlds Oldest Remote Control

Pleasure

Santa Clause doest exist

Neglected Wife

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR’

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,


‘‘THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, 'That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.'

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,


'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR’

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said,' That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.

The husband looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'

The husband’s condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery.

Definition of Kiss:

 Professors of different subjects define the same word different ways.:

Prof. of Finance: kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Algebra: kiss is two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Economics: kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.
Prof. of Chemistry: kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Prof. of Dentistry: kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of English: kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all the genders!
Prof. of Geometry: kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.
Prof. of Physiology: kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in the state of contraction.
Prof. of Physics: kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Philosophy: kiss is the persecution for the child,ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
Prof. of Statistics: kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36
Prof. of Zoology: kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.

Bottles and Bombs

3 men board a plane with beer bottles.

They are Italian, Spanish, and Irish.

They fly over to Italy, and drop a bottle.

They fly to Spain, and drop a bottle.

They fly to Ireland and drop a bomb.

They fly back to Italy and they see a little boy crying.

"Little boy why are you crying" they ask.

"Because my daddy got hit in the head with a beer bottle"

They fly to Spain and they see a little girl crying.

"Little girl why are you crying" they ask.

"Because my mommy got hit in the head with a beer bottle".

They fly to Ireland and see a little boy laughing hysterically.

"Little boy why are you laughing" they ask.

"Because my daddy farted and blew up the house"

Smart Irishman

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness.

The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."

Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting.

Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.

Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... he went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!" Murphy said," I am dying from cancer, son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

Irish Wife

At the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up: "At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands.

Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.

After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from America stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."

The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Ireland stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

Costume Party

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.

She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early; she decided to go the party.

In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife got close up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had.

He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.

But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."

Top Ten Reasons Why Trick or Treat is Better Than Sex

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8) The uglier you look; the easier it is to get some.

7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.

5) Forty years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.

4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you

2) Less guilt the morning after.

And the No. 1 reason why trick a treating is better than sex.........

YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!

Nun Fantasy

A cab driver picks up a nun.

She gets into the back of the cab, and the driver can’t stop staring at her.

From behind her vale, she musters a gentle voice and asks him why he is staring.

He replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to risk offending you, dear Sister."

Feeling bold, the Sister speaks to the driver: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: 1) you have to be single and 2) you must be Catholic."

The cab driver gives a whoop of Joy, and is very excited! "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun instructs the driver to pull into an alley where they full fill the driver’s fantasy, tongue and all.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, says the nun, why are you crying so?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, and I must confess. I'm married and I'm a Baptist!"

The nun says, "That's OK, honey. I lied too. She extends her hand for him to hold, and whispers: Here's my phone number. I'm just on my way on the way to a Gay Halloween party and my name's Victor."

Halloween Costume

A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days.

So the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear.

When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume.

The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing?

Have you ever heard of a black Superman?

Take this back and get me something else I can wear."

The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement.

The Husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom, and there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume.

He again yells at his wife, "What are you doing?

Have you ever heard of a black Batman?

Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!"

The next morning his irate wife goes shopping.

When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items: one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is 2 x 4.

The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?"

The wife yells back, "take your clothes off.

You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino.

If you don't like that one, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo.

And if you don't like THAT one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesicle.

Difference between Camel Toe and Moose Knuckle

The Mind of a Web Developer

Sex as in Cricket

DEFENSIVE PLAY If done with WIFE

SIX OVER THE BOUNDARY. If done with LOVER

CAUTIOUS PLAY. If done with a VIRGIN

HIT AND RUN. If done with a PROSTITUTE.

COVER DRIVES. If done with a DIVORCEE.

HOOK SHOTS. If done with a WIDOW.

QUICK SINGLES. If done with an OLD WOMAN.

UPPISH STROKES. If done with OWN HAND.

RUN OUT. Premature ejaculation.

Liked the sermon?

One Sunday, a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.

The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."

So the minister began his sermon.

One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he had liked the sermon.

The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."

Great Depression

During the great depression, an Irishman, an Italian and a Pole are working on a the upper floors of a skyscraper. Every day, they sit down next to one another on the edge of an I-beam to eat their lunch.

One day, they take out their lunch pails. The Irishman looks at his lunch, disgusted. "I swear, if I get corned beef on Rye for lunch one more time, I'm going to jump off this building." But he glumly eats his lunch anyway.

Next, the Italian pulls out his lunch, and curses. "If I get a meatball sub one more time, I swear, I'm going to jump off this building." But he still bites into the sandwich.

Finally, the Polish guy opens his pail. "If I get perogies one more time, I swear I'm going to jump off this building," he says.

So the next day, the three of them sit down for lunch. The Irishman looks in his pail, sees another corned beef on rye, and promptly jumps. The Italian opens his pail, sees a meatball sub, and lets himself fall off the building. And the Pole looks at his lunch, sees that it's perogies, and jumps himself.

At the combined wake the next night, the wives of the three men discuss their husbands.

"I don't understand!" the wife of the Irishman says. "If only he had told me not to make him Corned Beef on Rye, I could have made him something else!"

The wife of the Italian sighs. "I could have made him spaghetti, or a caprese--I could have made him anything, if only he had asked!"

The wife of the Pole, on the other hand, was simply confused. "I don't understand," she said. "He always packed his own lunch!"

Discovery

I Hate This Game

Tax Money

The wrong answer

Teacher: If you multiplied 50 by 8 and then divided by 4, what would you get?

Student: The wrong answer.

May I be of assistance

The local priest saw a staggering, falling down, blind drunk come crashing into his church. After picking himself up and alternating between crawling and falling, the drunk finally made it into one side of the confessional. Marking this man as one who was obviously in need of making confession, the priest hurried into his own side of the confessional, encountering at this close range a terrible smell coming from his new visitor. But the priest steeled himself and said, "May I be of assistance, my son?"
"Well maybe," slurred the drunk. "Do you have any toilet paper over there in your stall?"

Stupid Questions & Silly Answers!!!

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...
Stupid Question: Hey, what are you doing here?
Stupid Answer: Don't u know, I sell tickets in black over here.

2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question: Sorry, did that hurt?
Stupid Answer: No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again.

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question: Why, why him, of all people.
Stupid Answer: Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question: Is the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??
Stupid Answer: No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...
Stupid Question: Question: Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Stupid Answer: Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6. On some occasion: When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question: Is the guy you're marrying good?
Stupid Answer: No, he's a miserable wife-beating insensitive lout...it's just the money.

7. At night: When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question: Sorry. were you sleeping?
Stupid Answer: No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.

8. After some time: When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question: Hey have you had a haircut?
Stupid Answer: No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

9. At the dentist: When he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question: Tell me if it hurts?
Stupid Answer: No it won?t. It will just bleed.

10. Someone sees you: You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...
Stupid Question: Oh, so you smoke.
Stupid Answer: Gosh, it's a miracle ............ it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

Appropriate attire for worship

One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible.

The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories.

As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.

As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor.

"Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God, and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship." The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.

The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored.

The preacher again approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."

"I did," replied the old cowboy.

"If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher.

"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He said He'd never been in this church."

A typical Texas baby

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"

"Yup, shore am!"

"How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."

The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."

The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"

Precise figure

A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is.

"This temple is 1503 years old", replies the guide.

Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure.

"Easy", replies the guide, "the archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old, and that was three years ago"

Redneck Olympics

Boys will be boys, even after 3500 years

What so funny?

One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.

The police officer on duty was intrigued by this and he asked, "How sure are ya that she is gonna kill ya? Did she threaten to kill ya?"

"No," replied the nervous immigrant.

"Did ya hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill ya?"

"No."

"Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill ya?"

"No."

"Then why in God's name did ya think she's gonna kill ya?" asked the exasperated police officer.

"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.

The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud. The immigrant became indignant and said,

"What so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle said, 'Polish Remover'?"

Blind man parachuting

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:
"I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.
He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

Yeah, I know

A kidnapper was dragging a child into the woods when the kid says, "Mister, these woods are really scary."

The kidnapper says, "Yeah, I know. And I have to walk out all alone."

Should I buy and Ipad

Grandpa's fitness secret

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. "Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime. "Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."

The Meaning of Dreams

A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced enthusiastically to her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day! What do you think it means?"

With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know tonight." That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife.

With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled - "The Meaning of Dreams".

Why are Indians Re-born?

The angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said 'I have to talk to you. We have some Indians up here in heaven and they are causing problems.

They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, they are wearing Dolce and Gabbana saris instead of their white robes, they are riding Mercedes' and BMWs instead of the chariots, and they're selling their halos to people for discounted prices.

They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear, since they keep crouching down midway eating samosas and drinking chai.

Some of them are even walking around with just one wing!'

The Lord said, 'Indians are Indians. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, give Satan a call.'

Satan answered the phone, 'Hello? Damn, hold on a minute.'

Satan returned to the phone, 'OK I'm back. What can I do for you?'
Gabriel replied, 'I just wanted to know what kind of problems you're having down there.'
Satan says, 'Hold on again. I need to check on something.'
After about 5 minutes Satan returns to the phone and said, 'I'm back.. Now, what was the question?'
Gabriel said, 'What kind of problems are you having down there?'
Satan says, 'Man, I don't believe this! Hold on.'

This time Satan was gone at least 15 minutes.
He returned and said, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now... These Indians are trying to install air conditioning and making hell a comfortable place to live in by putting out the fire. Since they are so tech savvy, they were trying to start a telephone connection between heaven and hell... I am having such a hard time controlling and dealing with them!! Some were trying to start a chai - pakora shop, which I had to stop...

As a clincher, Satan then said, "I am requesting the Lord to send them back on earth as soon as they arrive as re-birth cases".

WHEN I WAS 10

When I was 10:Rubber meant Eraser,

Ass meant Donkey,

Gay meant Happy,

Straight meant Linear,...

Making Out meant Logical Detection,,

Stag meant a male Deer

And

A Tit was always for Tat.....

N today...English has changed so much ..........................!

Wife's Birthday

A man wanted to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party. So he ordered a birthday cake. The salesman asked him what message he wanted put on the cake.



He thought for a moment and said, put "getting older but you are getting better".



The salesman asked "how do you want me to put it?" The man said 'Well...put "You are getting older" at the top and "but you are getting better" at the bottom.'



When the cake was unveiled at the party all the guests were aghast at the message on the cake.



It read: "You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom"



Moral of the Story:

1. Double proof read everything before you send.

2. Don't trust others to write it right for you.

3. Don't order cakes by telephone

Where to Meet?

A group of 40 year old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner.

Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the White Spot restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses .

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the White Spot because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the White Spot because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the White Spot because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the White Spot restaurant because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.

Sardar O Mania

Sardar to his servant: Go and water the plants.
Servant: It's already raining.
Sardar: So what take an umbrella and go. *


*
Sardar found the answer to the most difficult question ever -
What will come first, Chicken or egg?
O Yaar, what ever U order first, will come first. *

* *

A teacher told all students in a class to write an essay on a cricket match.
All were busy writing except one Sardarji.
He wrote "DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH!"


*

Postman: - I Have To Come 5 Miles to Deliver U This Packet
Sardar: - why did U come so far. Instead U could Have posted it.... *

* *


A Sardar & his wife filed an application for Divorce.
Judge asked: How'll U divide your kids, U"VE 3 children?
Sardar replied: Ok! We'll apply NEXT YEAR


*

Sardar's wish: when I die, I wana die like my Grandpa who died peacefully in
his sleep not Screaming like all d passengers in d car he was Driving.. *

* * * *
*
A Teacher lecturing on population:

"In Indi a after every 10 secs a women gives birth to a kid. "
A Sardar stands up- "We must find & stop her!. " *


*
A man: "Sardarji, tell me, why Manmohan Singh goes for a walk in the evening
not in the morning?"

Sardarji: ''Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM''.*


*
Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital.
The Chinese friend just says "CHIN YU YAN" and dies.
Sardarji goes to China to find the meaning of his friend's last Words.
And finds It means "U R STANDNG ON the OXYGEN TUBE!" *


*
Sardarji was standing in front of the mirror with his eyes closed.
His wife asked what you are doing.
He said-I am seeing how I look while sleeping. *


*
Why did Sardar cut the sides of the capsule before taking it?

Guess what...
To avoid side effects!!! *


*Man: Sardarji where were U born?
Sardarji: Punjab .
Man: Which part?
Sardar: Oye part part kya kar raha hai, whole body Is born in Punjab Yaar".
*


*
Lawyer to Sardar: "Gita pe haath rakhkar kaho ke...... "
Sardar :"Yeh kya, Sita pe haath lagaya to court mein Bulaya. Ab fir Gita pe
haath!!" *


**



*
Sardar: For the past one week a girl is disturbing Me.
I don't know how she got my no, she interrupts whenever I call someone and
says "please recharge your card" *


*
A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a Sardarni
painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.
Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them
rather than old clothes or an overall.
She showed him the instructions on the tin, "For Best Results put on Two
Coats" *


*
A sardar was drawing money from ATM,

The sardar behind him in the line said, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! I've seen ur
password. Its 4 asterisks (****). "
The first sardar replies, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! U R wrong, Its 1258" *


*
Q:) How do U recognize a sardar in school or College???
A:) They are the ones who erase their notebooks when the teacher erases the
blackboard... BOLO tarara!! *


*
Q:) Why did the sardarji sleep with a scale?
A:) Because he wanted to measure how long he has Slept........ *


*
Santa Singh MBBS
After finishing his MBBS, Dr. Santa Singh starts his Own practice.
He checked his first patient's Eyes, then the tongue, and finally the Ears
using a torch.
Finally he said Battery is Ok !!! *

Video Games

Chemistry Test Answers

Security Alert

Lie-Clocks

Dick Cheney’s personal chef died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St.Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, “What are all those clocks?”
St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”
“Oh,” said the senator, “whose clock is that?” “That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.” “Incredible,” said Rumsfeld. “And whose clock is that one?” St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.”
“Hey, out of curiosity, where’s Dick Cheney’s clock?” asked the chef.
“Cheney’s clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”

Smiling Blonde

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over to the side of the road. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde, "Stand in the circle and DON'T MOVE!"

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around, she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this." He got a baseball bat out of his truck and broke every window in her car. When he turned and looked at her, she had a smile on her face. So he was really starting to get mad. He went and got his knife back out and sliced up all her tires.

The blonde started laughing and the truck driver was really starting to lose it.

He went back to his truck and got a can of gas, poured it on her car, and set it on fire. He turned around and she was laughing so hard, she was about to fall down.

"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle four times!"

Parenting Evolution

My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as you have more children:

Feeling the Baby Move

First Child: I placed my hand on my wive's tummy every chance I could for two months waiting for that first time when I could feel the baby move. Hours upon hours I waited until that magic moment when, I felt this little movement. We called all of our relatives to tell them about the blessed experience.

Second Child: When it first happened, my wife called me at the office. I quickly ran home and felt the baby move. We included the experience in all of our letter to our family.

Third Child: She told me the baby moved. I told her I would check it our during the next commercial break. I missed out because her mother called on the telephone so I went on watching Monday night football. By the end of the third quarter, I finally felt the baby move.

Fourth Child: We were in bed and I was trying to sleep. I turned to her and said "Cant you make your tummy stay still? I'm trying to sleep." When it became clear that the baby would be jumping around for a while, we called the pizza man for a delivery.

The Trip to the Hospital

First Child: Every time we felt the slightest B&H contraction, we rushed to the hospital. I would carry my wife to the car and lay her down in the back seat surrounded by pillows.

Second Child: We timed the contractions. By the time she had three in thirty minutes, we rushed to the hospital. She sat in the front seat, with it leaned back and a pillow behind her head and another at her feet.

Third Child: I came home from the office as soon as she started having regular contractions. When they were five minutes apart and hard, we went to the hospital. I gave her a pillow to hold along the way.

Fourth Child: When she called me at the office and told me that she was having contractions hard and five minutes apart, I told her to drive to the hospital. I would meet her there as soon as I finished the set of correspondence I was working on. I reminded her not to forget the pillows.

The First Step

First Child: My wife grabbed the camera. I grabbed the Video Camera. My wife took four rolls of film. We immediately ran out to the one-hour developing place and had all four rolls developed with double prints. We had the best picture blown up to 24" X 36" and framed. We hung it up in the entry hall. I had a professional studio turn the four hours of video I taped into a one-hour documentary complete with voice-over by a local anchor-man.

Second Child: We took one roll of film and five minutes worth of video. The next day we took the film and had it developed by a twenty-four hour developing center. I took the best picture and put it into my wallet.

Third Child: We couldn't find the video-camera and we only had five shots left on the roll of film. We took all five shots but I don't remember if we ever got the roll developed.

Fourth Child: I quickly got up and grabbed the camera. I placed it up high so the child wouldn't grab it.

The First Time the Child Fell and Got a Cut

First Child: My wife and I frantically ran over to the child. We swept him up and rushed him to the emergency room. No stitches were needed but we spent the night with him in his room just in case the bleeding started again.

Second Child: We walked over to her, picked her up and quickly bandaged her up. We spent the next two hours rocking her in the living room to comfort the pain.

Third Child: I told my wife that if he was still crying in a couple of minutes, we should go over and make sure he isn't hurt too badly. When he didn't stop crying, we bandaged up the cut and laid him in his bed for a while but we went on about our business.

Fourth Child: Put a bandage on the cut and told him it'd get better after he stopped crying.

Attempt to Murder