Blind Man

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.
The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ahh, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli." Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Amy, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Amy complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says,

"Hey! I didn't know that Amy worked here!"

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Drowning

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.
The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joined him.
This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof pad and pencil, and wrote, “Amazing! How are you able to stay this deep down without equipment?”
The guy took the pencil and pad, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, “I’m drowning, you moron!”

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Chocolateand Peanuts

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him.
While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.
As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts."
She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em.

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Friday the 13th! Beware

Roger left for work on Friday morning. Friday was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay packet.

Finally, Roger appeared at home on Sunday night, and obviously he was confronted by his angry wife, Martha who castigated Roger for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, Martha stopped the nagging and said to Roger, 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?'

Roger replied grimly, 'That would be fine with me.'

Monday went by and he didn't see his Martha. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

By the Thursday, the swelling had gone down just enough so that Roger he could see Martha a little out of the corner of his left eye

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Newton's First Law

When a third grader was asked to cite Newton's first law, she said, "Bodies in motion remain in motion, and bodies at rest stay in bed unless their mothers call them to get up."

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Congratulations for what

A Software Engineer dies in a car accident and finds himself at the heavens door "Pearly Gates". A beautiful music is being played and all angels are dancing around and singing his name. There is a huge crowd and everyone is screaming his name. The engineer is very delighted and surprised.

Then he sees "Saint Peter" rushing towards him and shakes his hand and says, "Congratulations my son, we have been waiting a very long time to meet you".

The engineer is very embarrassed and asks "Saint Peter, congratulations for what? I honestly didn't do much while I was alive. Then why is all this?"

Saint Peter totally amazed says, "Congratulations for what!!! We're celebrating the fact that you lived for 260 years! .... GOD himself wants to meet you!"

The engineer looks perplexed, "but Saint Peter, I only lived until 36 years"



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Saint peter is shocked "This is impossible son. We have added up all your timesheets !!!

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Memories

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Not in the Hall

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Bat Vision

Once there were three bats. They lived in a cave surrounded by three castles. One night the bats made a bet to see who could drink the most blood.
The first bat comes home one night and has blood dripping off his fangs. The other two bats are amazed and asked how much blood he had drunk.
The first bat said, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people." The second bat goes out on his night and comes back with blood around his mouth. The other two bats are astonished and ask how many people's blood had he drunk. The bat said, "See that castle over there. I drank the blood of five people."
The third bat goes out on his night and comes back covered in blood. This was totally amazing to the other two bats. They ask how much blood he drank. The 3rd bat said, "See that castle over there?" and the other bats nod. "Well," says the third bat, "I didn't."

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Two Lawyers

Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks.
They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.

Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says,
'Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!'

The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.

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Total commitment

A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala charity event was taking place. Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution.

"Great idea!" the chicken cried. "Let's offer them ham and eggs?"

"Not so fast," said the pig. "For you, that's a contribution. For me, it's a total commitment."

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Peanuts

Three mischievous boys went to the zoo one day for an outing, since they had been at school all week.
They decided to visit the elephant cage, but soon enough, they were picked up by a cop for causing a commotion.
The officer hauled them off to security for questioning.
The supervisor in charge asked them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage.
The first boy innocently said, "My name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."
The second added, "My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."
The third boy was a little shaken up and said, "Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts."

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Masturbation

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Monkey Prostitutes

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How agri-corporations around the world would treat their cows.

NORTH AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

FRENCH: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

JAPANESE: You have two cows. You redesign them to 1/10 the size of ordinary cows, producing 20 times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoons called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

GERMAN: You have two cows, re-engineered so they'll live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.

BRITISH: You have two cows. Both are mad.

RUSSIAN: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42. You count them again and learn you have 12. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

SWISS: You have 5,000 cows. None belongs to you. You charge others for storing them.

HINDU: You have two cows. You worship them.

CHINESE: You have two cows and 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest the newsman who questions the numbers.

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Best toast of the night

John hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of my life, between the legs of my wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "What was your toast?"

John said: "Here's to spending the rest of my life, sitting in church beside my wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "He told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"

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Second opinion

Doctor, that rectal exam hurt like hell. What did you do?"
"I used two fingers."
"What for?"
"I needed a second opinion."

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The Knob

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,'
where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
All these years, everything has been working just fine.
I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results.
But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.

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Apartment for Rent

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:
'Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check f or $250 with the following note:
'Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.

So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady...

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Blonde commit suicide

A blonde decides to commit suicide by hanging herself so she goes to the park and....
2 days later a man is walking in the park and sees the blonde hanging on by a rope tied to her stomach.
So he says "Ain't that supposed to be around your neck".
And the blonde says "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe.

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Determination

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What Mother's Think

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Priorities

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Funny Christmas Lights

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Don't step on the ducks

Three guys die in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule in heaven. Don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman.
The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as the first guy.
The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any duck. One day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on. A very tall, tanned, curvaceous, sexy brunette.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The guy remarks, "Wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?"
She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

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What a guy should not say after sex?

"I was kidding about being sterile, you know."

"Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"

"How come it's so BIG in there?"

"You've done this with a lotta guys before, right?"

"Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear, OK?"

(Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?"

(Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"

"You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"

"My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."

"Do you know what a 'douche' is?"

"Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow."

"I want you to try some of MY deodorant."

"I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?"

"Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"

"I never saw a girl with hairy boobs before!"

"I've been getting these little blisters lately....."

"You wanna do those dishes before you leave?"

"You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!"

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Ugliest children

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

A: Ask your mom

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Haircut

The story of someone getting a haircut.

Women's version:

Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men's version:

Man2: Haircut?

Man1: Yeah.

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Road Safety Week

A Traffic Police stopped a car and said," This is the Road Safety Week. As you are driving with the Seat belt on, you are rewarded with 5000 bucks...What will you do with this prize money?

Car Driver: "The first thing I will do is get a driving license.."

His mother sitting on the back seat said," Officer, don't trust him..He is drunk right now.."

His Dad saw the officer and said,"I knew already that we would not be able to get far in this stolen car...."

Suddenly there was a shout from the back storage of the car.." Gusy did we get across the International Border or not..?"

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Low-fat diets

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter

. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."
"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

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I'd like to buy it

A woman goes into an antique shopand says to the owner, "when I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I'd like to buy it."
"Sorry," replied the owner, but I can't sell you that."
"Why not asked the customer?"
"Because that's my husband."

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Sugar Brown's daughter

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr. Sugar Brown's daughter.'

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugar Brown.'

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr. Sugar Brown's daughter?'

She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

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Lost Voice

Man: Doctor my wife recently has lost her voice. What should I do to help her to get it back?

Doctor: Try to come home at 3 in the morning.

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Bizarre things to say and do to a telephone solicitor to get him to hang up and leave you alone

* "So, what are you wearing?"
* Talk very quietly and then without warning, scream as loud as you can into the phone.
* "You'll have to excuse me now, my armpit is on fire."
* "I'm sorry, but this phone is for personal calls only. The boss won't let us use it for business."
* Respond to their questions with fax/modem noises.
* "Have you heard about that study showing that it can cause impotence to sit all day with a telephone receiver next to your head?"
* When they ask to speak with you, say "Just a moment," and give the phone to your six-year old child to carry on the conversation.
* Pretend to be very interested in their product and then quite calmly and earnestly inquire, "Yes, but can it make a six minute casserole?"
* "I am truly sorry but the moon is in the seventh house of Pluto and my astrologer would just die if he knew I was talking to a salesman during this solar phase."
* "This isn't a recording. This isn't a recording. This isn't a recording. This isn't a recording."

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Top 10 Reasons Compilers Are Female

10. Picky, picky, picky.
9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
8. Beauty is only shell deep.
7. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing."
6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
5. Always turning simple statements into big productions.
4. Smalltalk is important.
3. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
2. They make you take the garbage out.
1. Miss a period and they go wild

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The Undeniable Truths Of The Workplace

* The lowest managerial priority is customer service, but the highest priority is persecuting the workers.
* The only person who can get three days off in a week is the general manager.
* Being promoted to a supervisor is actually a demotion considering the fact that you just sold your soul.
* The arrogance level of any given member of management is inversely proportional to their intelligence quotient.
* Don't worry about management's stepping in to do workers' jobs during a strike. They can't run the place with us, so how can they run it without us?
* Don't ever get caught reading anything on the job; the management want to keep us as clueless as they are.
* All managers suffer from selective amnesia; they can only remember Union contract agreements when it benefits their cause.
* The amount of favoritism you receive from management is directly proportional to the amount of a** you kiss and inversely proportional to the quality of work you perform.
* Whenever management posts a letter of thanks to the workers, the employees will again be treated like crap within two minutes of the posting.
* The chances that an employee's idea will ever be implemented are inversely proportional to its ultimate good.
* A new supervisor who has worked for only two days is always construed to know more than workers who have worked in the company for years.
* As soon as a supervisor is promoted to a manager, an inexplicable, sudden drop of 50 IQ points will occur.
* The accountability of the workers is inversely proportional to the accountability of the supervisors and managers.
* If management accidentally discovers that an employee is smart, more work will be expected from that employee.
* Succeeding at the workplace is simply a matter of rising above everyone else's incompetence.
* The more a worker gets yelled at by a manager, the more that worker can take comfort in the fact that they are right.
* In the workplace, incompetence perpetuates itself.
* If a rule does not exist that supports the position of management, they will make one up on the spot.
* You will never get paid for any overtime or extra hours you work unless you catch the forthcoming error and report it to the same management who tried to get away with it in the first place.
* Whenever a new rule or procedure is implemented, the employees must be given either no notice or as little notice as possible.
* The greatest possible threat to any given manager is an employee who is smarter than they are.
* Whenever management comes out with a so-called "policy," it is merely an attempt on their part to circumvent a provision in the Union contract that they don't like.
* In the workplace, managerial incompetence flows from the top on down.

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Have two men at once

Two gorgeous blondes were engaged in a conversation as they entered an elevator in a large office building.
 

One of them said loudly, "Of course my ultimate fantasy has always been to have two men at once."

There was complete silence as every passenger in the elevator slowly turned to look at her.

She then laughed and continued, "One to do the cooking, and the other would do the cleaning."

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17 Ways To Be A WOMAN.... From A Somewhat Bitter Man

1. When asked "Is something bothering you?" reply "no" then get pissed off when you are believed.
2. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him, and immediately expect him to stop this behavior.
3. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.
4. Always hide very important events in very unimportant terms so you can have something to be pissed about when your boyfriend declines because he has pressing business: i.e. You say "It's no big deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit my parents with me if you are not busy this weekend." when you mean "It means a great deal to me for you to see my family with me this weekend!
5. Whine.
6. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost superhuman level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep it's because he is lazy.
7. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.
8. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.
9. Complain.
10. Hate any bar he likes.
11. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything - except when paying for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers, clothes, etc. - these are required gifts proving his love.
12. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all the stress of your life.
13. Remember that ANY woman who so much as glimpses at your boyfriend must be labeled a WHORE and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quickly as possible.
14. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.
15. Break into tears for no apparent reason, then use number 1.
16. Ask for help in some endeavor then become livid when it is given.
17. Weasel yourself into your boyfriend's group of friends, break up with him, then make sure you are present at every gathering for the next month just to rub it in.

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The Pro's of Womanhood

• We got off the Titanic first.
• We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
• We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
• Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - guys look like complete idiots in ours.
• We can be groupies - Male groupies are stalkers.
• We can smile and get off speeding fines.
• Taxis stop for us.
• Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
• We don't look like a frog in a blender when we dance.
• Free drinks!
• Free dinners!
• We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
• We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
• We know the truth about whether size matters.
• Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.
• It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
• No fashion faux pas we could make would ever rival Speedo's.
• We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
• If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
• We can congratulate our team mate without ever touching her ass.
• We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
• If we're dumb some people think it's cute.
• We have an excuse to be a total witch at least once a month.
• We can talk to people of the opposite sex without automatically picturing them naked.
• If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we look like an idiot.
• Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask if there is spinach in our teeth.
• There are times when chocolate really can solve all our problems.
• Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable.
• We'll never regret piercing our ears.
• We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

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Russian Roulette and African Roulette

The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador.
For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette.
One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger." This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable.
Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers. Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.
The African ambassador was much impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay.
Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette".
So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women. The African ambassador said "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes.
Any one of them will provide you with oral sex - take your pick".
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador Answered, "One of them is a cannibal"

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It's a Mushroom

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I slept with your mother

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

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Strange noises

A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents" room, and he decided to investigate. As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mum and dad shagging for all they were worth.

"DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing?"

"It’s ok," his father replied. "Your mother wants a baby, that’s all."

The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face. Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother giving his father a blow job.

"DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing now?"

"Son, there’s been a change of plan," his father replied. "Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW."

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Tennessee Volunteer fan

Two boys are playing football in Huntsville, Alabama, when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a big board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar, and twists it, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter was strolling by, sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Alabama Crimson Tide Fan Rescues Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Alabama Crimson Tide fan," the little hero replies.

"Sorry -- since we're in Huntsville, I just assumed you were," says the reporter, and he starts again. "Little Auburn Tigers Fan Rescues Friend From Deathly Attack," he continues in his notebook.

"I'm not a Auburn fan either," the boy says.

"I assumed everyone who lived in the Alabama area was either for Alabama or Auburn. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.

"I'm a Tennessee Volunteer fan," the boy replies.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Kills Beloved Family Pet!"

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What do you do all day?

What do you do all day??

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and 20 wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, and so the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, break fast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.

As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys thrown over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and tooth paste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went..
He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?'
She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?'

'Yes, ' was his incredulous reply.
She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it...'

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Men Are Like

1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.

2 Men are like. Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

3.Men are likeWeather. Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like BlendersYou need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.

Love Humor? Join our Group Funzug!

7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8.Men are like ..Government Bonds ..... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like ..Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10.Men are likePopcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Now send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any understanding good-natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to know !!!!!!!!!!

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Free milk and Sausage

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

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G-Spot and a golf ball

What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A man will actually search for a golf ball.

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SEMINARS FOR MEN

1. Combating Stupidity
2. You Can Do Housework Too
3. PMS - Learning When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
4. How to Fill an Ice Tray
5. We do not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas. GIVE US MONEY.
6. Understanding the Female Response to your Coming in Drunk at 3am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly called "Don't Wash my Silks")
8. Parenting - No, it Doesn't End with Conception.
9. How not to Act like an Ass, When you are Obviously Wrong
10. Get a Life - Learn to Cook.
11. Spelling - Even you can get it right
12. You - The Weaker Sex
13. Reasons to give Flowers
14. How to stay awake after sex
15. Why it is Unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the Washroom
16. Rubbish - Getting it out of the house.
17. You Can Fall Asleep With Out It - If You Really Try
18. The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake, Take a Shower
19. I'll Wear it if I Damn Well Please
20. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly called "No, It's Not A Bidet")
21. Give me a Break - Why we know your excuses are B.S.
22. The Weekend and Sports are not Synonymous
23. How to Go Shopping with your Mate without Getting Lost
24. The Remote Control - Overcoming your Dependency
25. Romanticism - Other Ideas Besides Sex
26. Helpful Posture Hints for Couch Potatoes
27. Changing your Underwear - It Really Works
28. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
29. You Too Can Be a Designated Driver
30. Male Bonding - Leaving your Friends at Home
31. Fluffing the Blankets after Releasing Gas is NOT Necessary
32. The Attainable Goal - Omitting *@#$&$ From Your Vocabulary
33. Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially When Naked

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Employee Resignation

The name is good, the brand is big
But the work I do is that of a pig
The work or the brand; what is my way?
I don't know if I should stay.

To work, they have set their own way
Nobody will care to hear what I say
My will be NULL, they wont change their way
I don't know if I should stay.

The project is in a critical stage
But to do good work, this is the age
This dilemma is killing me day by day
I don't know if I should stay.

The money is good, the place is great
But the development is at a very small rate
Should I go for the work, or wait for pay
I don't know if I should stay!

The managers don't know what they talk
The team doesn't know where they walk
That's a bad situation, what say?
I don't know if I should stay.

I can go to any other place
But what if I get the same disgrace
I can't keep switching day by day
I don't know if I should stay.

The -ves are more, the +ves are less
Then why have this unnecessary mess
No more will I walk their way,
It's all done, I won't stay.

Thanks & Regards
Employee

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Blondes and Brunettes

WHAT'S THE REAL REASON A BRUNETTE KEEPS HER FIGURE?
No one else wants it.

WHY ARE SO MANY BLONDE JOKES ONE-LINERS?
So brunettes can remember them.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BRUNETTE IN A ROOM FULL OF BLONDES?
Invisible.

WHAT'S A BRUNETTE'S MATING CALL?
"Has the blonde left yet? "

WHAT DO BRUNETTES MISS MOST ABOUT A GREAT PARTY?
The invitation

WHO MAKES BRAS FOR BRUNETTES?
Fisher-Price

WHY ARE BRUNETTES SO PROUD OF THEIR HAIR?
It matches their mustache

KNOW WHO INVENTED BLONDE JOKES?
brunettes, they had nothing better to do on Friday or Saturday nights

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Coffee bar

Question: What shouldn't you wear at a coffee bar?
Answer: A "tea" shirt!

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The Corporate language !!

"We will do it" means " You will do it"

"You have done a great job" means "More work to be given to you"

"We are working on it" means "We have not yet started working on the same"

"Tomorrow first thing in the morning" means "Its not getting done... At least not tomorrow !".

"After discussion we will decide - I am very open to views" means "I have already decided, I will tell you what to do"

"There was a slight miscommunication" means "We had actually lied"

"Lets call a meeting and discuss" means "I have no time now, will talk later"

"We can always do it" means "We actually cannot do the same on time"

"We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline" means "The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time."

"We had slight differences of opinion" means "We had actually fought"

"Make a list of the work that you do and let's see how I can help you" means "Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me"

"You should have told me earlier" means "Well even if you told me earlier that would have made hardly any difference!"

"We need to find out the real reason" means "Well I will tell you where your fault is"

"We are a team" means "I am not the only one to be blamed"

"That's actually a good question" means "I do not know anything about it"

"All the Best" means " You are in trouble"

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HR Language........What they really mean..

• “COMPETITIVE SALARY” We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
• “JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY” We have no time to train you.
• “CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE” We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up.
• “MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED” You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
• “SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED” Some time each night and some time each weekend.
• “DUTIES WILL VARY” Anyone in the office can boss you around.
• “MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL” We have no quality control.
• “CAREER-MINDED” Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
• “APPLY IN PERSON” If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.
• “NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE” We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
• “SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE” You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.
• “PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST” You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
• “REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS” You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
• “GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS” Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

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Pappu & Ravan! - A Management Lesson

Once Pappu started praying to Ravan and after 1 year of deep meditation Ravan was pleased and appeared in front of Pappu and decided to give him 3 vardans (wishes).

RAVAN: Say vatsa! What you want?

PAPPU: I want 100 vardans

RAVAN: But I can give you only 3 vardans

PAPPU: But I want 100 vardans.

RAVAN: No child that’s not possible.

PAPPU: No I want 100 vardans only

RAVAN: No I can give you only 3. If you want then take or else I am going.

PAPPU: Ok! But whatever I will ask, you will definitely give me?

RAVAN: Sure it's promise from Rakshas Raj Ravana.

PAPPU: 1st vardan, convert your GADA on shoulder to wooden bamboo stick.

RAVAN: "Tathastu" and his gada turns into a stick.

PAPPU: 2nd Vardan, put that stick in your ass..!!

RAVAN: (confused but ......) "Thathastu" and in great pain asks Pappu to ask for the third vardan .... ASAP ...

PAPPU: Now are you giving me rest 97 vardans or should I convert that stick back to GADA ?

Moral of the story: Management will not yield to your simple request until u can give pain in their ass.

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Is your girlfriend lesbian

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Floss

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Redneck Bodysuit

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Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.

What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack... I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer..we'd both still be alive.

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Missing Cock

The priest in a small village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.
But one Saturday night the cock went missing!
The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.
During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen MY cock?" All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

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Mad Cow Disease

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, “I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.” The other cow replies, “I ain’t worried, it don’t affect us ducks.”

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Keep an Irishman busy

Q: How do you keep an Irishman busy for hours?

A: Put three spades on the wall and tell him to take his pick.

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Cavity

Mom walked into the bathroom one day and found young Johnny furiously scrubbing his penis with a toothbrush and toothpaste.

"What the heck do you think you're doing, young man!?" she exclaimed.

"Don't try to stop me!" Johnny warned. "I'm gonna do this three times a day, because there's no way I'm gonna get a cavity that looks and smells as bad as my sister's."

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Redneck Truckers

Zek and Luke went to a trucking company to apply for a "Team" truck driving job. The personnel manager decided, after talking to them both that they weren't the sharpest knives in the drawer. He decides to interview them separately. He first interviews Zek. After 15 minutes he completes the interview. Zek barely passes. Next he interviews Luke. He begins by asking the usual transportation related questions. Luke also barely passes.

The personnel manager next interview them together. He presents them with this potential problem: Now Zek and Luke, lets say that you two are a driving team. One of you is driving the rig and the other is asleep in the back. You are going down this very steep hill with sixty thousand pounds of steel on the truck. All of a sudden your breaks go out and your speed is increasing. What would be the first thing you'd do ?

About a minute passes and there was no answer. Then, all of a sudden Luke spoke up.

"I know, I know, I know the first thing I'd do". The personnel manager says "yes Luke, what is the first thing you'd do?" Luke says, "I'd wake Zek up." The personnel manager replies, "WHAT ! "Why would wake Zek up ?"

Coos, says Luke, "He ain't never seen no big accident before!"

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NECROPHILIA

A man was brought before the judge and charged with NECROPHILIA (making love to a dead person).

The judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing. Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the jail keys in the toilet?"

The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons:

1. It's none of your damn business;
2. She was my wife; and.....
3. I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way!"

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Ramayan- Biwiyon ki kahani!

Poori RAMAYAN biwiyon ki kahani hi to hai.........

Laxman apni biwi ghar pe chhod kar chala aya.
Rawan doosre ki utha ke phans gaya .

Hanuman ki apni thi hi nahi magar doosre ki dhoondane mein Lanka jala dali.
Ram ko apni wapas laane ke liye 10 din tak ladai karni padi.

Wapas lake bhi kya mila?
Ek dhobi ne apni biwi ko wapas ghar mein nahin liya, to Ram ne apniwali ko out kar diya.

Aur end mein kya hua?
Jis biwi ke karan itni badi ramayan hui wo to underground chali gayi!

Ab socho. Sara jhamela hua kyon?
Kyonki Dashrath ki teen biwiyan thi

LOL!!!!!!

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Roles of Hindu mythology characters in terms of Computer

Brahma - Systems Installation

Vishnu - Systems Administration & Support

Lakshmi - Finance and Accounts consultant

Saraswati - Training and Knowledge Management

Shiva - DBA (Crash Specialist)

Ganesh - Quality Assuarance & Documentation

Narada - Data transfer

Yama - Re-organization & Downsizing Consultant

Chitragupta - IDP & Personal Records

Apsaras - Downloadable Viruses

Devas - Mainframe Programmers

Surya - Solaris Administrator

Rakshasas - In house Hackers

Ravan - Internet Explorer WWW

Kumbhakarnan - Zombie Process

Lakshman - Support Software and Backup

Hanuman - Linux/s390

Vaali - MS Windows

Sugreeva - DOS

Jatayu - Firewall

Dronacharya - System Programmer

Vishwamitra - Sr. Manager Projects

Shakuni - Annual appraisal & Promotion

Valmiki - Technical Writer (Ramayana Sign off document)

Krishna - SDLC ( Sudarshan Wheel Development Life Cycle )

Dharm! araj Yudhishthira - ISO Consultant (CMM level 5)

Arjun - Lead Programmer (all companies are vying for him)

Abhimanyu - Trainee Programmer

Draupadi - Motivation & Team building|

Bhima - MAINFRAME LEGACY SYSTEM

Duryodhana - Microsoft product Written in VB

Karna - Contract programmer

Dhrutarashtra - Visual C++

Gandhari - Dreamweaver

100 Kauravas - Microsoft Service Packs and patches

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More Hilarious One Liners

Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is husband !

A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without,,, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

You can't buy love . . . but you pay heavily for it.

Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway .

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me .

You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.

They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak .

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Saving Time

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

He explained: "The restaurant's owners hired ABCD Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analyses, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So when he came back to ask about desert, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly," Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so ob-servant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 per cent."

I was impressed, but something struck me as odd and I asked, "After you get it out, how do you put it back in?" "I don't know about the others," he whispered, "but I use the spoon."

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You know you're getting older

- When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
- When your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.
- When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest you.
- When you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
- When your wife says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
- Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
- When you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
- You know you're getting old when your semi-annual erection becomes an annual semi-erection!
- You and your teeth don't sleep together.
- Your back goes out, but you stay home.

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Egyptian Toilet Paper

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I'm game

At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.

"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"

"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.

"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"

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Courtroom Quotes

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place:

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Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
**********
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
**********
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
************
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
**************
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, Where am I, Cathy?
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
*************
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
***********
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
**********
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
***********
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
*************
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
***********
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
**********
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
**********
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
**********
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
*********
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
**********
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
**********
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
**********
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
***********
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
************
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
*************
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
***************
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
****************
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
****************
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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Heaven OR Hell!!!!

One day while walking down the street a highly successful
Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman

"Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind
of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,"

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her smiled and told...
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"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee"

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Why ? Oh Why ?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds when they already know you're broke?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe, you believe them but, if they tell you there is wet paint, you have to touch it to check?

Why do they use sterilised needles for lethal injections?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that, no matter what colour bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialised?

Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the first end you try?

How do those dead bugs get into enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart, then apologises for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right"? Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

And my FAVORITE

The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends.
If they're OK, then it's you.

~~~Now send this on to your friends and make them smile too!~~~

**A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine! And a day without sunshine is, like, night.**

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Whats your Name?

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me. I know we ' ve been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I ' ve thought and thought, but I can't
remember it. Please tell me what your name is'

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and
glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

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Let's have a beer

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'
'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'
And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'

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All in Family

Three sisters , aged 92, 94, 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old turns on a bath. She puts her foot in the water and yells to her sisters, '' was I getting in or getting out of the bath?''
The 94 year old yells back 'I don't know, I will come up and see.'
She starts up the stair case, pauses and yells ''Was I going up the stairs or down?''
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters.
she shakes her head and says 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knocks on wood and says I will come up and help both of you as soon as I see who is at the door!'

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Broken Car

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cellphone to report that her car has been broken into.
She is frantic as she explained her situation to the dispatcher:
"They have stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and the accelerator!'' she cried.
The dispatcher said 'Stay calm, Ma'am, an officer is on his way'
A few minutes later the officer radios back: "Disregard, she got into the back seat by mistake."

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Oh, my, am I driving?

Two elderly women were driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dash board. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The light was red but they just drove through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought ' I must be losing it. I could have sworn we went through a red light.' Few minutes later they came to another intersection and sure enough the light was red again and they went through.

So she turned t the other woman and said 'Mildred , did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'
Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, my, am I driving?'

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Would you like the bridal?

A cowboy and his new bride check into a motel. The cowboy explains to the desk clerk that they were just married that morning.
“Would you like the bridal?” the clerk asks them.
“No thanks,” the cowboy answers. “I’ll just hold her by the ears until she gets the hang of it.”?

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Donation

A man and a woman were waiting in line at the hospital donation center.
Man: 'What are you doing here today?'
Woman: 'Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me 200 bucks for it.'
Man: 'Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me 1000 bucks.'
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the same line.
Man: 'Hi there! Here to donate blood again?'
Woman: (shaking her head with mouth closed) 'Unh unh.'

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Wo-man

Woman has Man in it;
Mrs. has Mr. in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;
No wonder men always want to be inside women!

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Home sweet home

Men were born between the legs of a woman, yet men spend all their
Life and time trying to go back between the legs of a woman...... Why?

Because ...

Home sweet home !

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Metal Bird

Little Johny asked her mummy: "Mum are little birds made of metal?"

Mummy: "Of course not darling, why do you ask?"

"'I heard daddy saying he'd like to screw the arse of the bird next door!"

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Carpet Installation

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.

In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.''

''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''

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A gas problem?

There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.

After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.

"Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem." "A gas problem?" replied the doctor.

"Yes. Yesterday afternoon, I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh...silent gas emissions.

"Last night, I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had (blush) four silent gas emissions.

"Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?"

"Well," said the doctor, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test!"

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A Selection of Beautiful Tits

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Febreeze

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Dishwasher

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Mentally Unbalanced

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Fishing Blonde

A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.

When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish in there".

So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.

So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.

"How do you know there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.

So the man cooly says "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes."

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I feel awful

There was an old man whose family could no longer afford to take care of him. So the family decided that a nusring for the aged would be appropriate.

Of course the old man rejected the idea, but no sooner he was convinced that it was the right thing to do. On his first day at the home, he spent most of his time laying in bed reflecting on life, feeling lonely. A while later, an orderly stopped by to seee how the old man's first day was going.

"How you doing today?", she said to the old man, "First day I see". The Old man replied with a nod.

In no time the two began talking up a storm. As the conversation began to drag on, the orderly was eyeing the room filled with fresh flowers, cards and balloons from friends and relatives. She noticed a bowl full of peanuts sitting on top of the table next to the bed, and help herself to a handful.

As the two continued to converse with each other, the orderly kept eating more helpings of the peanuts. She look at her watch and noticed that nearly 2 hours had passed and said, "My goodness, the time has gone by quickly. I have to tend to other people here too." "That's okay.", said the old man, "I feel so much better being able to talk to someone." Looking into the bowl the orderly said, "I feel awful! I ate almost all of your peanuts!" The old man responded, "That's okay. Ever since I got these false teeth, all I could do was suck the chocolate off of them anyhow."

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Cause it hurts

The young lady at the confessional said, "Father, put it in my p*ssy!"

"No, child, the vulva is the sacred place whereby you deliver another child of God," replied the Priest.

"Oh, Father, put it in my mouth then!" begged the young woman.

"No, child, the mouth is the sacred place whereby you eat the sacred Host," said the Priest

"So put it under my armpit!" asked the young lady.

"No, child, the armpit is the sacred place where you carry the Holy Bible," replied the Priest.

"OK, Father, then just take it out of my a*s cause it hurts!"

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Productivity

To: All staff
From: HR head
Subject: Low productivity

It has come to my attention that productivity has dropped drastically since Friday, June 11th. I'm not sure what's going on, but please be assured that I'm monitoring the situation closely and will suspend or terminate employees who aren't pulling their own weight. For the company to be successful, it's important for all of us to work hard. We need to learn from the examples set by the following managers, whom I'm pleased to recognize.

John Tembo, Human Resources Manager: I was walking past John's office and heard him and several employees shouting "Goal! Goal! Goal!" When I knocked on the door, John told me they were watching a training video to help them achieve company goals. I have nominated each of them for our Employee of the Month Award. It's important for all of us to focus on goals. As John said, "Without goals, our team will lose."

Carlos Mendez, Sales and Distribution Manager: Carlos called me on Friday morning to say he was ill and couldn't come to work. His doctor had diagnosed him with a rare illness called socceritis. The illness affects patients for at least a month and there's a chance of relapse every four years. As you can imagine, I was rather shocked and saddened. I wondered how we could manage without Carlos for so long. Perhaps Carlos read my mind, for he immediately put me at ease. "I'll come to work, boss," he said. "The illness isn't contagious. I just need to return home to get 90 minutes of rest a few times a day." What an example Carlos is setting for all of us. I am nominating him for our Courage and Inspiration Award.

Ravi Narayanan, Product Design Manager: As of Friday, Ravi is testing an innovative program he developed called WHFH (Work Hard From Home). He believes it will not only increase productivity in his department but also lower costs considerably, particularly the cost of buying coffee and doughnuts. Ravi came to work briefly on Tuesday and I overheard him saying to another manager, "Greece 2, Nigeria 1." I asked him about it and he said, "That's the number of customers we have in each country." I was extremely pleased. I didn't realize we had a customer in Nigeria. I am nominating Ravi for our Innovative Spirit Award.

Hans Mueller, Advertising Manager: Hans, as you know, is always looking for new ways to advertise, new ways to reach potential customers. Since Friday, he has been personally manning an information booth at the ESPN Sports Bar.
I paid a surprise visit to the bar and heard Hans talking to an employee about something called "World Cup." He told me it's an acronym he's using to motivate employees: WORLDCUP (Working Overtime Results in Less Disappointment and Creates an Upsurge in Productivity.) I am nominating Hans for the High Motivation Award.

Ming Yu, Technology Manager: I found Ming coming out of a bathroom stall with a small battery-operated TV. He said he's testing a video conferencing system that will enable employees to continue to work while doing their business. A few minutes later, I heard Ming telling his assistant how many customers we have in certain countries. I was proud to hear all the numbers, but disappointed to realize we have no customers in America. That's a huge market that we're missing out on. In any case, I am nominating Ming for the Productivity Award.

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Bijness is Bijness

One day in a school in London, a teacher said to a class of 5-year-olds…

I'll give 10 pounds to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."

The teacher said, "Sorry Paddy, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."

The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."

Then a Jewish boy put his hand up and said "David",

The Buddhist boy said "Gautama Buddha" and the Muslim boy said "Mohammed".

They all were not successful.

Finally, a Gujju boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Jignesh, come up here and I'll give you the 10 pounds that I promised."

As the teacher was giving Jignesh his money, she said, "You know Jignesh, since you're a Hindu Gujarati; I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Jignesh replied, "Yes. In my heart I knew it was Krishna, but Bijness is Bijness!!!!!!

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What’s wrong now?

Brad, a local beachgoer, couldn’t even get a second look from any of the girls on the beach. So he headed over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard had any advice for him.
“Dude, it’s obvious,” said the lifeguard. “You’re wearing those gnarly old swimming trunks that make you look like an old geezer. They’re years outta style. Your best bet is to get yourself a Speedo—say, two sizes too small—and drop a potato inside it. You’ll have all the babes you can handle.”
The following weekend, Brad hits the beach with his brand-spanking-new tight Speedo and his potato, and it’s not long before he approaches the lifeguard tower once more.
“For cryin’ out loud,” said Brad, “it’s worse than before! Everyone on the beach acts disgusted as I walk by—covering their faces, turning away, laughing! What’s wrong now?”
“Jeez, Brad!” said the lifeguard, “The potato goes in front!”

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Girlie Wisdom

1. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... She has 14 kids but doesn't really care.
2. One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
3. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
4. The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
5. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.
6. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today...
8. Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.
9. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my underwear...
10. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!
11. Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' .....Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!
12. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
13. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!

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Asshole

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Context

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How to recruit the right person for the job?

Put about 100 bricks in some Particular order in a closed room with an open window.


Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door.

Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.

If they are counting the bricks, put them in the accounts department.

If they are recounting them, put them in auditing.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in operations.

If they are sleeping, put them in security.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in information technology.

If they are sitting idle, put them in human resources.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in sales.

If they have already left for the day, put them in marketing.

If they are staring out of the window, put them on strategic planning.

And then last but not least, if they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in top management.

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Statement vs True meaning

Statement: "I'm a Romantic."
True Meaning: "I'm poor."

Statement: "You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."

Statement: "I really want to get to know you better."
True Meaning: "So I can tell my friends about it."

Statement: "I've been thinking a lot."
True Meaning: "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."

Statement: "I think we should just be friends."
True Meaning: "You're ugly."

Statement: "I've learned a lot from you."
True Meaning: "Next!!!!"

Statement: "I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?"
True Meaning: "I gotta turn on my answering machine."

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Good Dentist

A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.

His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"

"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach. That," he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."

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Interpretation of Logic in MBA

Robert decided to write the MBA exam. He could understand every thing except for the LOGIC part. One day when he was reading, David came home.

David: Robert How is your MBA preparation?

Robert : Every thing is fine, but I could not understand Logic.

David: Logic is very easy.

Robert : Can you give me an example, so that I can understand.

David: OK. Do you have fish pot in your house ?

Robert : YES.

David: Logically ,there will be water in it.

Robert : YES.

David: Logically, there will be fish in it.

Robert : YES.

David: Logically. someone will be feeding the fish.

Robert : YES.

David: I take a guess that your wife will be feeding the fish.

Robert : YES.

David: so, Logically, your are married.

Robert : YES.

David: So, that means U are a heterosexual.

Robert was very glad and he understood logic.




Next day he sees John who was also preparing for MBA.

Robert : How is your MBA preparation?

Buta : Everything is fine except for the logic.

Robert : Oh, logic is easy.

Buta : Please, give me an example.

Robert : Do you have a fish pot in your house?

Buta : NO, I don't.

Robert : You are a HOMO!!!

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Banta's Funny Interview

Interviewer :Let me check your word Power…

Banta :Ok Sir ….

Interviewer : Tell me the opposite of …..good.

Banta :hmmmm….. Bad

Interviewer : Come

Banta : Go.

Interviewer : Ugly.

Banta : Pichlli.

Interviewer : PICHLLIIIII?

Banta : UGLYYYYYYYYY. .

Interviewer : Shut Up.

Banta : Keep Talking.

Interviewer :o k now stop these all..

Banta:ok now carry on this all

Interviewer :abe…chup ho ja..chup ho ja..chup ho jaaaa

Banta:abe bolta rah..bolta rah…bolta rahhh

Interviewer :Areeee yaaar

Banta: areeee dushmannnnnn

Interviewer : Get Out.

Banta : Come In.

Interviewer : Oh my God.

Banta : Oh my Devil.

Interviewer : U r Rejected.

Banta: I m selected…I M SELECTED???REALLY? ? BALLE BALLE…O BALLE BALLE…O BALLE BALLE…

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Let a woman have her own way

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered...is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?



Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?
Scroll down
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly

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Vagina Tandoori

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Patience and Wisdon

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Smart Lady

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

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