Neglected Wife

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR’

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,


‘‘THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, 'That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.'

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,


'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR’

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said,' That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.

The husband looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'

The husband’s condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery.

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Definition of Kiss:

 Professors of different subjects define the same word different ways.:

Prof. of Finance: kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Algebra: kiss is two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Economics: kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.
Prof. of Chemistry: kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Prof. of Dentistry: kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of English: kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all the genders!
Prof. of Geometry: kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.
Prof. of Physiology: kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in the state of contraction.
Prof. of Physics: kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Philosophy: kiss is the persecution for the child,ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
Prof. of Statistics: kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36
Prof. of Zoology: kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.

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Bottles and Bombs

3 men board a plane with beer bottles.

They are Italian, Spanish, and Irish.

They fly over to Italy, and drop a bottle.

They fly to Spain, and drop a bottle.

They fly to Ireland and drop a bomb.

They fly back to Italy and they see a little boy crying.

"Little boy why are you crying" they ask.

"Because my daddy got hit in the head with a beer bottle"

They fly to Spain and they see a little girl crying.

"Little girl why are you crying" they ask.

"Because my mommy got hit in the head with a beer bottle".

They fly to Ireland and see a little boy laughing hysterically.

"Little boy why are you laughing" they ask.

"Because my daddy farted and blew up the house"

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Smart Irishman

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness.

The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."

Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting.

Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.

Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... he went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!" Murphy said," I am dying from cancer, son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

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Irish Wife

At the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up: "At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands.

Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.

After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from America stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."

The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Ireland stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

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Costume Party

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.

She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early; she decided to go the party.

In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife got close up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had.

He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.

But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."

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Top Ten Reasons Why Trick or Treat is Better Than Sex

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8) The uglier you look; the easier it is to get some.

7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.

5) Forty years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.

4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you

2) Less guilt the morning after.

And the No. 1 reason why trick a treating is better than sex.........

YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!

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Nun Fantasy

A cab driver picks up a nun.

She gets into the back of the cab, and the driver can’t stop staring at her.

From behind her vale, she musters a gentle voice and asks him why he is staring.

He replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to risk offending you, dear Sister."

Feeling bold, the Sister speaks to the driver: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: 1) you have to be single and 2) you must be Catholic."

The cab driver gives a whoop of Joy, and is very excited! "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun instructs the driver to pull into an alley where they full fill the driver’s fantasy, tongue and all.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, says the nun, why are you crying so?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, and I must confess. I'm married and I'm a Baptist!"

The nun says, "That's OK, honey. I lied too. She extends her hand for him to hold, and whispers: Here's my phone number. I'm just on my way on the way to a Gay Halloween party and my name's Victor."

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Halloween Costume

A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days.

So the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear.

When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume.

The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing?

Have you ever heard of a black Superman?

Take this back and get me something else I can wear."

The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement.

The Husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom, and there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume.

He again yells at his wife, "What are you doing?

Have you ever heard of a black Batman?

Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!"

The next morning his irate wife goes shopping.

When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items: one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is 2 x 4.

The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?"

The wife yells back, "take your clothes off.

You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino.

If you don't like that one, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo.

And if you don't like THAT one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesicle.

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Difference between Camel Toe and Moose Knuckle

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The Mind of a Web Developer

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Sex as in Cricket

DEFENSIVE PLAY If done with WIFE

SIX OVER THE BOUNDARY. If done with LOVER

CAUTIOUS PLAY. If done with a VIRGIN

HIT AND RUN. If done with a PROSTITUTE.

COVER DRIVES. If done with a DIVORCEE.

HOOK SHOTS. If done with a WIDOW.

QUICK SINGLES. If done with an OLD WOMAN.

UPPISH STROKES. If done with OWN HAND.

RUN OUT. Premature ejaculation.

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Liked the sermon?

One Sunday, a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.

The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."

So the minister began his sermon.

One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he had liked the sermon.

The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."

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Great Depression

During the great depression, an Irishman, an Italian and a Pole are working on a the upper floors of a skyscraper. Every day, they sit down next to one another on the edge of an I-beam to eat their lunch.

One day, they take out their lunch pails. The Irishman looks at his lunch, disgusted. "I swear, if I get corned beef on Rye for lunch one more time, I'm going to jump off this building." But he glumly eats his lunch anyway.

Next, the Italian pulls out his lunch, and curses. "If I get a meatball sub one more time, I swear, I'm going to jump off this building." But he still bites into the sandwich.

Finally, the Polish guy opens his pail. "If I get perogies one more time, I swear I'm going to jump off this building," he says.

So the next day, the three of them sit down for lunch. The Irishman looks in his pail, sees another corned beef on rye, and promptly jumps. The Italian opens his pail, sees a meatball sub, and lets himself fall off the building. And the Pole looks at his lunch, sees that it's perogies, and jumps himself.

At the combined wake the next night, the wives of the three men discuss their husbands.

"I don't understand!" the wife of the Irishman says. "If only he had told me not to make him Corned Beef on Rye, I could have made him something else!"

The wife of the Italian sighs. "I could have made him spaghetti, or a caprese--I could have made him anything, if only he had asked!"

The wife of the Pole, on the other hand, was simply confused. "I don't understand," she said. "He always packed his own lunch!"

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Discovery

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I Hate This Game

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Tax Money

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The wrong answer

Teacher: If you multiplied 50 by 8 and then divided by 4, what would you get?

Student: The wrong answer.

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May I be of assistance

The local priest saw a staggering, falling down, blind drunk come crashing into his church. After picking himself up and alternating between crawling and falling, the drunk finally made it into one side of the confessional. Marking this man as one who was obviously in need of making confession, the priest hurried into his own side of the confessional, encountering at this close range a terrible smell coming from his new visitor. But the priest steeled himself and said, "May I be of assistance, my son?"
"Well maybe," slurred the drunk. "Do you have any toilet paper over there in your stall?"

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Stupid Questions & Silly Answers!!!

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...
Stupid Question: Hey, what are you doing here?
Stupid Answer: Don't u know, I sell tickets in black over here.

2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question: Sorry, did that hurt?
Stupid Answer: No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again.

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question: Why, why him, of all people.
Stupid Answer: Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question: Is the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??
Stupid Answer: No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...
Stupid Question: Question: Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Stupid Answer: Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6. On some occasion: When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question: Is the guy you're marrying good?
Stupid Answer: No, he's a miserable wife-beating insensitive lout...it's just the money.

7. At night: When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question: Sorry. were you sleeping?
Stupid Answer: No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.

8. After some time: When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question: Hey have you had a haircut?
Stupid Answer: No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

9. At the dentist: When he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question: Tell me if it hurts?
Stupid Answer: No it won?t. It will just bleed.

10. Someone sees you: You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...
Stupid Question: Oh, so you smoke.
Stupid Answer: Gosh, it's a miracle ............ it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

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Appropriate attire for worship

One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible.

The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories.

As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.

As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor.

"Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God, and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship." The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.

The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored.

The preacher again approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."

"I did," replied the old cowboy.

"If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher.

"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He said He'd never been in this church."

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A typical Texas baby

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"

"Yup, shore am!"

"How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."

The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."

The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"

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Precise figure

A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is.

"This temple is 1503 years old", replies the guide.

Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure.

"Easy", replies the guide, "the archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old, and that was three years ago"

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Redneck Olympics

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Boys will be boys, even after 3500 years

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What so funny?

One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.

The police officer on duty was intrigued by this and he asked, "How sure are ya that she is gonna kill ya? Did she threaten to kill ya?"

"No," replied the nervous immigrant.

"Did ya hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill ya?"

"No."

"Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill ya?"

"No."

"Then why in God's name did ya think she's gonna kill ya?" asked the exasperated police officer.

"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.

The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud. The immigrant became indignant and said,

"What so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle said, 'Polish Remover'?"

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Blind man parachuting

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:
"I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.
He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

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Yeah, I know

A kidnapper was dragging a child into the woods when the kid says, "Mister, these woods are really scary."

The kidnapper says, "Yeah, I know. And I have to walk out all alone."

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Should I buy and Ipad

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Grandpa's fitness secret

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. "Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime. "Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."

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The Meaning of Dreams

A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced enthusiastically to her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day! What do you think it means?"

With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know tonight." That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife.

With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled - "The Meaning of Dreams".

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Why are Indians Re-born?

The angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said 'I have to talk to you. We have some Indians up here in heaven and they are causing problems.

They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, they are wearing Dolce and Gabbana saris instead of their white robes, they are riding Mercedes' and BMWs instead of the chariots, and they're selling their halos to people for discounted prices.

They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear, since they keep crouching down midway eating samosas and drinking chai.

Some of them are even walking around with just one wing!'

The Lord said, 'Indians are Indians. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, give Satan a call.'

Satan answered the phone, 'Hello? Damn, hold on a minute.'

Satan returned to the phone, 'OK I'm back. What can I do for you?'
Gabriel replied, 'I just wanted to know what kind of problems you're having down there.'
Satan says, 'Hold on again. I need to check on something.'
After about 5 minutes Satan returns to the phone and said, 'I'm back.. Now, what was the question?'
Gabriel said, 'What kind of problems are you having down there?'
Satan says, 'Man, I don't believe this! Hold on.'

This time Satan was gone at least 15 minutes.
He returned and said, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now... These Indians are trying to install air conditioning and making hell a comfortable place to live in by putting out the fire. Since they are so tech savvy, they were trying to start a telephone connection between heaven and hell... I am having such a hard time controlling and dealing with them!! Some were trying to start a chai - pakora shop, which I had to stop...

As a clincher, Satan then said, "I am requesting the Lord to send them back on earth as soon as they arrive as re-birth cases".

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WHEN I WAS 10

When I was 10:Rubber meant Eraser,

Ass meant Donkey,

Gay meant Happy,

Straight meant Linear,...

Making Out meant Logical Detection,,

Stag meant a male Deer

And

A Tit was always for Tat.....

N today...English has changed so much ..........................!

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Wife's Birthday

A man wanted to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party. So he ordered a birthday cake. The salesman asked him what message he wanted put on the cake.



He thought for a moment and said, put "getting older but you are getting better".



The salesman asked "how do you want me to put it?" The man said 'Well...put "You are getting older" at the top and "but you are getting better" at the bottom.'



When the cake was unveiled at the party all the guests were aghast at the message on the cake.



It read: "You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom"



Moral of the Story:

1. Double proof read everything before you send.

2. Don't trust others to write it right for you.

3. Don't order cakes by telephone

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Where to Meet?

A group of 40 year old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner.

Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the White Spot restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses .

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the White Spot because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the White Spot because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the White Spot because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the White Spot restaurant because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.

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Sardar O Mania

Sardar to his servant: Go and water the plants.
Servant: It's already raining.
Sardar: So what take an umbrella and go. *


*
Sardar found the answer to the most difficult question ever -
What will come first, Chicken or egg?
O Yaar, what ever U order first, will come first. *

* *

A teacher told all students in a class to write an essay on a cricket match.
All were busy writing except one Sardarji.
He wrote "DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH!"


*

Postman: - I Have To Come 5 Miles to Deliver U This Packet
Sardar: - why did U come so far. Instead U could Have posted it.... *

* *


A Sardar & his wife filed an application for Divorce.
Judge asked: How'll U divide your kids, U"VE 3 children?
Sardar replied: Ok! We'll apply NEXT YEAR


*

Sardar's wish: when I die, I wana die like my Grandpa who died peacefully in
his sleep not Screaming like all d passengers in d car he was Driving.. *

* * * *
*
A Teacher lecturing on population:

"In Indi a after every 10 secs a women gives birth to a kid. "
A Sardar stands up- "We must find & stop her!. " *


*
A man: "Sardarji, tell me, why Manmohan Singh goes for a walk in the evening
not in the morning?"

Sardarji: ''Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM''.*


*
Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital.
The Chinese friend just says "CHIN YU YAN" and dies.
Sardarji goes to China to find the meaning of his friend's last Words.
And finds It means "U R STANDNG ON the OXYGEN TUBE!" *


*
Sardarji was standing in front of the mirror with his eyes closed.
His wife asked what you are doing.
He said-I am seeing how I look while sleeping. *


*
Why did Sardar cut the sides of the capsule before taking it?

Guess what...
To avoid side effects!!! *


*Man: Sardarji where were U born?
Sardarji: Punjab .
Man: Which part?
Sardar: Oye part part kya kar raha hai, whole body Is born in Punjab Yaar".
*


*
Lawyer to Sardar: "Gita pe haath rakhkar kaho ke...... "
Sardar :"Yeh kya, Sita pe haath lagaya to court mein Bulaya. Ab fir Gita pe
haath!!" *


**



*
Sardar: For the past one week a girl is disturbing Me.
I don't know how she got my no, she interrupts whenever I call someone and
says "please recharge your card" *


*
A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a Sardarni
painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.
Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them
rather than old clothes or an overall.
She showed him the instructions on the tin, "For Best Results put on Two
Coats" *


*
A sardar was drawing money from ATM,

The sardar behind him in the line said, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! I've seen ur
password. Its 4 asterisks (****). "
The first sardar replies, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! U R wrong, Its 1258" *


*
Q:) How do U recognize a sardar in school or College???
A:) They are the ones who erase their notebooks when the teacher erases the
blackboard... BOLO tarara!! *


*
Q:) Why did the sardarji sleep with a scale?
A:) Because he wanted to measure how long he has Slept........ *


*
Santa Singh MBBS
After finishing his MBBS, Dr. Santa Singh starts his Own practice.
He checked his first patient's Eyes, then the tongue, and finally the Ears
using a torch.
Finally he said Battery is Ok !!! *

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Video Games

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Chemistry Test Answers

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Security Alert

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Lie-Clocks

Dick Cheney’s personal chef died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St.Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, “What are all those clocks?”
St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”
“Oh,” said the senator, “whose clock is that?” “That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.” “Incredible,” said Rumsfeld. “And whose clock is that one?” St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.”
“Hey, out of curiosity, where’s Dick Cheney’s clock?” asked the chef.
“Cheney’s clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”

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Smiling Blonde

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over to the side of the road. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde, "Stand in the circle and DON'T MOVE!"

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around, she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this." He got a baseball bat out of his truck and broke every window in her car. When he turned and looked at her, she had a smile on her face. So he was really starting to get mad. He went and got his knife back out and sliced up all her tires.

The blonde started laughing and the truck driver was really starting to lose it.

He went back to his truck and got a can of gas, poured it on her car, and set it on fire. He turned around and she was laughing so hard, she was about to fall down.

"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle four times!"

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Parenting Evolution

My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as you have more children:

Feeling the Baby Move

First Child: I placed my hand on my wive's tummy every chance I could for two months waiting for that first time when I could feel the baby move. Hours upon hours I waited until that magic moment when, I felt this little movement. We called all of our relatives to tell them about the blessed experience.

Second Child: When it first happened, my wife called me at the office. I quickly ran home and felt the baby move. We included the experience in all of our letter to our family.

Third Child: She told me the baby moved. I told her I would check it our during the next commercial break. I missed out because her mother called on the telephone so I went on watching Monday night football. By the end of the third quarter, I finally felt the baby move.

Fourth Child: We were in bed and I was trying to sleep. I turned to her and said "Cant you make your tummy stay still? I'm trying to sleep." When it became clear that the baby would be jumping around for a while, we called the pizza man for a delivery.

The Trip to the Hospital

First Child: Every time we felt the slightest B&H contraction, we rushed to the hospital. I would carry my wife to the car and lay her down in the back seat surrounded by pillows.

Second Child: We timed the contractions. By the time she had three in thirty minutes, we rushed to the hospital. She sat in the front seat, with it leaned back and a pillow behind her head and another at her feet.

Third Child: I came home from the office as soon as she started having regular contractions. When they were five minutes apart and hard, we went to the hospital. I gave her a pillow to hold along the way.

Fourth Child: When she called me at the office and told me that she was having contractions hard and five minutes apart, I told her to drive to the hospital. I would meet her there as soon as I finished the set of correspondence I was working on. I reminded her not to forget the pillows.

The First Step

First Child: My wife grabbed the camera. I grabbed the Video Camera. My wife took four rolls of film. We immediately ran out to the one-hour developing place and had all four rolls developed with double prints. We had the best picture blown up to 24" X 36" and framed. We hung it up in the entry hall. I had a professional studio turn the four hours of video I taped into a one-hour documentary complete with voice-over by a local anchor-man.

Second Child: We took one roll of film and five minutes worth of video. The next day we took the film and had it developed by a twenty-four hour developing center. I took the best picture and put it into my wallet.

Third Child: We couldn't find the video-camera and we only had five shots left on the roll of film. We took all five shots but I don't remember if we ever got the roll developed.

Fourth Child: I quickly got up and grabbed the camera. I placed it up high so the child wouldn't grab it.

The First Time the Child Fell and Got a Cut

First Child: My wife and I frantically ran over to the child. We swept him up and rushed him to the emergency room. No stitches were needed but we spent the night with him in his room just in case the bleeding started again.

Second Child: We walked over to her, picked her up and quickly bandaged her up. We spent the next two hours rocking her in the living room to comfort the pain.

Third Child: I told my wife that if he was still crying in a couple of minutes, we should go over and make sure he isn't hurt too badly. When he didn't stop crying, we bandaged up the cut and laid him in his bed for a while but we went on about our business.

Fourth Child: Put a bandage on the cut and told him it'd get better after he stopped crying.

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Attempt to Murder

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Responsible Drinking

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Whats that?

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Lets get the hell out of here

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die.

They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.

After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun,
"You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"

The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"

With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"

The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life."

"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel a*s and lets get the hell out of here!"

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Neither did I

Dad was in the field ploughing when he noticed Mary run into the barn.
A few seconds later Bruce runs into the barn after her. After about 20 minutes they still haven't come out of the barn, So Dad decides to see what they are doing.

As he walks into the barn he see's Bruce on top of Mary and he was going to town, Dad thinks to himself that dirty b*stard and picks up a shovel and whacks Bruce on the arse with it Bruce jumps up and runs outside.

Mary was still lying on the floor trying to cover up her modesty, Dad looked down at her and said I didn't think you had it in you Mary.

Neither did I dad said Mary until you hit him on the arse with the shovel...

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A girls first time

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.


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What were you thinkin'?

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How big is your spread

An American farmer was on holiday in Wales. He could not resist exploring the hill farms north of Aberystwyth. At lunch time he dropped into a pub and fell into easy conversation with a Welsh farmer.

'How big is your spread?' , asked the American.

'Well look you, it's about 20 acres he said' .

Only 20 acres the American responded, back in Texas I can get up at sunrise, saddle my horse and ride all day, when I return at supper time, I'll be lucky to cover half my farm'. '

Dew dew' , said the Welshman, 'I once had horse like that, but sent him to the knackers yard.'

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We didn't do nothin

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.

"The sharks got 'em."

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PREFERABLY FEMALES

Funny George was filling up an application form for a job.

He promptly filled the columns titled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS etc.

Then he came to the column SEX. He was not sure as to what to be filled there. After much thought he wrote THRICE A WEEK.

Clerk told him to write either MALE or FEMALE.

Again George thought for a long time before coming up with the answer PREFERABLY FEMALES.

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The world's smartest man

A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions. Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us," he announced. "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!"
After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.
"I'm the world's greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon. "This world needs great athletes, so I must live."
Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.
"I'm the smarest man in the world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world needs smart men, so I must also live!"
Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.
At this point, the Pope began to speak. "I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane."
"You don't have to stay here! The world's smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack."

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I am going to take you to moon tonight

On the first night of honeymoon the wife crazy husband says, "My sweet darling, I am going to take you to moon tonight."

The impatient wife says, "Sure, but first at least let's see the rocket to get there."

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Horny Care

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Mc Donalds Photobomber

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Bull Photobomber

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Toilet Problem

An old guy went to his doctor and said, "I have this toilet problem doc."
"Well," replied the doc, "How's your urination?"
"Every morning at 7am - like a baby!" said the old man.
"Good," replied the doc, "How about your bowel movements?"
"8am every morning - like clockwork!" answered the old guy.
"So what's the problem then?" asked the doc.
"Well," replied the old man, "I don't get up till 9am!"

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Funny Resumes

Mistakes on a resume
These are from actual resumes:

"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.

"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."

"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

"Number of dependents: 40."

"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

RESUME BLOOPERS

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

"Responsibility makes me nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."

REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:

"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."

"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."

"I'm a rabid typist."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."

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Some good news and some bad news

Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?

Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Patient: Give me the bad news first.

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?

Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

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Embarrass an archeologist

Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

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Thank you, dear

Morty was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.

He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

His wife replies, "Why thank you, dear!"

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Girls night out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn’t want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman’s husband phones the other husband and said, “These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties.” “That’s nothing,” said the other. “Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, ‘From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!’

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How can I possibly repay you?

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

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Arthritis

A man who reeked of alcohol flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of rum was sticking out of his ripped jacket pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, do you know what causes arthritis?"

The priest, disgusted by the man's appearance and behavior, snapped, "It's caused by loose living; being with cheap, wicked women; drinking too much alcohol; and having a contempt for your fellow man!"

"Well, I'll be," the man muttered and returned to his newspaper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm sorry to have come on so strong - I didn't mean it. How long have you been suffering from arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

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Best Camel Toe Ever

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What took you so long

As U.S. tourists in Israel, Morris and his wife Ruth were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists.

An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.

"America," Morris replied.

Looking at Ruth's dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded, "She's not from the States."

"Yes I am," said the wife.

He looked at her and asked, "Is he your husband?"

"Yes," she replied.

Turning to the husband, the Arab said, "I'll give you 100 camels for her."

Morris looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, "She's not for sale."

After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked, "Morris, what took you so long to answer?

Morris replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."

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I wish I was a newspaper

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,
So I'd be in your hands all day.

Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,
So I could have a new one everyday.

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example of a tragedy

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside ... that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.

"What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally little Johnny in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."

"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says Johnny, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"

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You should see the back of mine

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude and speed, the captain came on the intercom and announced: 'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and...... Suddenly, he screamed "OH, MY GOD!'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.

'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants.'

An Irishman stood up and yelled, 'Be Jayzus -- you should see the back of mine!'

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Potential and Reality

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mum, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would," she replies.
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million quid, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."

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Zorro

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,
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"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

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Do you still need a push?

A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you Remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

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Misunderstanding

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell,
hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but
I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done
on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to
work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly
squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my
shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand
very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted!!

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Paddy And Paddy

Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig. When they got home,

Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol'mate, how are we going to tell who owns which Fookin' Pig?"

Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my Fookin Pig, and ten we can tell them apart." "Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy.

This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said, "Your Fookin Pig haschewed the ear off my Fookin Pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with one ear each. How are we going to tell who owns which fookin pig.?"

"Well Paddy," says Paddy,"I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll ave two fookin pigs and only one of them will a van ear".

"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again stormed into the house. "Paddy", he said, "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig!!!." "Now, we got twofookin pigs with no fookin ears!!!. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?" "Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy.

"I'lltell ya what I'll do. I'll cut de tail offa my fookin pig. Den we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and only one fookin tail." "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Another couple of weeks went by and..........you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more. "PADDY," shouted Paddy,

"YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY FOOKIN PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN TAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

HOW DE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Ah, Fook it" says Paddy, "how's about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one"

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One Liners - Gender

There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her, They got married, and now he is going through hell.

There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"

Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

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Blondes changing Light Bulb

Three blondes got together to change a light bulb. Then one of them calls 911.

Blonde: "We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb."

Operator: "Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?"

Blonde: "Yes."

Operator: "The power in the house in on?"

Blonde: "Of course."

Operator: "And the switch is on?"

Blonde: "Yes, yes."

Operator: "And the bulb still won't light up?"

Blonde: "No, it's working fine."

Operator: "Then what's the problem?"

Blonde: "We got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and we all fell and hurt ourselves!"

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But How Old am I?

A man traveling on business, walks into a local bar, sits down and asks the bartender for a shot of 25 year old scotch.

The bartender looking to have a little fun, and make a few extra dollars, pours the guy a shot of bar brand scotch.

The businessman taking his first sip, realizes this is not what he ordered, calls over the bartender. "Excuse me, do you remember what I ordered".

"Why certainly sir", says the bartender, "You wanted a shot of 25 year old scotch".

"That is correct", replies the customer. "The scotch you served, can't be more than 2 years old".

The bartender apologies, and goes off to correct his mistake. A little upset for being caught, the bartender again tries to fool his customer, by pouring him a shot of 12 year old scotch.

After his first taste of the scotch, he immediately again knew, this was not the beverage of his choice.

So once again, he calls over the bartender, to verify his drink order. "Bartender, can you tell me again what I ordered".

"Yes sir, you ordered a shot of my 25 year old scotch".

"Again that is correct". But unfortunately, the scotch you served is not more than 12 years old".

At this point he bartender is impressed, and realizes the guy is a true connoisseur of scotch whiskey, and goes off to get his 25 year old scotch.

With savoring only a few drops, the man knew he finally got what he ordered, and comments to the bartender, "Now this is, 25 year old scotch".

The local drunk who witnessed everything, turns to the businessman and says, "Hey buddy, try this drink.

The traveler not wanting any trouble, takes the glass from the drunk, and gives a taste. Immediately, the guy spits it out, and screams, "My god, this is urine".

"Thats right", says the drunk, "But How Old am I?"

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What happens when people of different profession get old

- Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.

- Old actors never die, they just drop apart.

- Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.

- Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.

- Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.

- Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.

- Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.

- Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.

- Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.

- Old cashiers never die, they just check out.

- Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.

- Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.

- Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.

- Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.

- Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.

- Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.

- Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.

- Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.

- Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.

- Old garagemen never die, they just retire.

- Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.

- Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.

- Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.

- Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.

- Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.

- Old investors never die, they just roll over.

- Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.

- Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.

- Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.

- Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.

- Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.

- Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.

- Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.

- Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor...

- Old musicians never die, they just get played out.

- Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.

- Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.

- Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.

- Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.

- Old perfessers never die, they just lose their class.

- Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.

- Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.

- Old policemen never die, they just cop out.

- Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on....

- Old printers never die, they're just not the type.

- Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.

- Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.

- Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.

- Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.

- Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.

- Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.

- Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.

- Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.

- Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.

- Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.

- Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.

- Old students never die, they just get degraded.

- Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.

- Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.

- Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.

- Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.

- Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.

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How can you tell them apart

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked.

"'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

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Blonde Husband and Wife

A blonde guy is getting off early from work so he decides to surprise his wife.
As soon as he gets home he hears noises coming from his bedroom.
He runs to the room screaming, "Honey, is that you?"
He gets in the room and there on the bed his wife laid naked and sweating saying, "I think I'm having a heart attack."
He immediately runs downstairs to the phone to call an ambulance when his child stops him saying, "Daddy, Uncle David is in the closet, naked."
In a mad gruff he goes to the closet and there at the base is his brother naked and quivering on the floor.
The blonde man raises his voice, yelling, "What are you doing running around naked and scaring my kid.
Can't you see my wife is having a heart attack?"

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Please don't be upset

'My Dear Honey,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will
not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be upset I shall be home before midnight.'

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

'My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation,

although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.'

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Brand new bike

A father came home from a long business trip to find his young son riding a brand new bike.
"Where did you get the money for that?" he asked. "It must have cost over 300 dollars!"
"I earned it hiking," replied the boy.
"Hiking??? Come on son, tell your Dad the truth. Nobody can make that sort of money hiking. Where did you Really get the cash from?"
"It's like I say, Dad. Every night when you were gone, Mr Burns fromthe bank would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a 20 dollar bill and tell me to take a hike"!

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Because you got an F in sex

 A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. It is not polite."
"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"Those are enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"
And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."

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Buy one and get other Free

An English man, Irishman and a Scottishman are sitting in a pub full of people. The Englishman says, "The pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free". Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer. The Scottishman says,"..yeah. That's quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free." Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer. The Irish man says "Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland. In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for a shag"
The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the Irishman replies "No, but it happened to my sister."

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Good reason for Blow Job

An Indian husband, comes back home from work, to find that, his wife has left him a note .....

" Just finished cleaning the house and having my evening bath. I have gone to by vegetables. Make a cup of tea for yourself. Will be back shortly ! "

The husband had not got any sex from his wife since almost 2 months. Finding himself alone in the house, he puts a XXX DVD on his player and begins masturbating. As his excitement and pleasure built up, he began masturbating faster. At that juncture, his wife opens the door with her own key and walks in. She stands at the door quietly and watches him masturbate rapidly.

As the husband neared his climax, she suddenly drops her shopping bags on the floor, rushes over to her husband, grabs his cock with her mouth and proceeds to give him a good blow job. The husband ejaculates into his wife's mouth. She drains out every drop of his semen, into her mouth. She then gets up, collects the shopping bags and quitely walks into the kitchen. The husband is stunned ! He sits on the sofa wondering at what just happened. After getting his breath back, he gets up and walks into the kitchen. He finds his wife, chopping tomatoes.

He asks her, "Darling, what happened to you suddenly today ? I mean you have not been interested in having sex with me since almost 2 months now. And today, you suddenly come and give me a wonderful blow job!"

His wife replied, " Well Dear, I had just washed the whole floor today. You would have messed up the floor by spilling your semen all over it, as you were so busy masturbating. I simply could not see the floor dirty again. So, I decided that it is better for me to have to swallow your semen and later brush my teeth, rather than having to wash the floor all over again ! "

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Google Fav Icon

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Redneck Hanging Flower Basket

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School Paper

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5 pearls of wisdom

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Redneck Key Holder

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Car Accident

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife’s been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs into the emergency room and says his wife’s been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor and minutes later he comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.
“Mr. Jones?” the doctor asks. “Yes sir, what’s happened? How is my wife?” The doctor sits next to him and says, “Not good news. Your wife’s accident resulted in two fractures of her spine.”
“Oh my God” says Mr. Jones, “what will be her prognosis?” Dr. Smith says “Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She’ll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her.” Mr. Jones begins to sob. “And you’ll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia.”
Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. “Then, of course,” the doctor continued, “you’ll have to diaper her as she’ll have no control over her bladder and the diapers must be changed throughout the day.” Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.
The doctor continues, “You’ll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she’ll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I’m afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she’ll be emitting regularly.”
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass. Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. “Hey, I’m just fucking with you, she’s dead.”

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Prison VS. Being a Houswife

In prison, you get three square meals a day.

At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it.

In prison, you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle.

At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can't sleep without his latest lego creation.

In prison, you get to watch TV, cable even.

At home, you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable.

In prison, you can read whatever you want and attend college for free.

At home, you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years.

In prison, all your medical care is free.

At home, you have to pawn your mother's silver and fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die.

In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up.

At home, you get to clean for days in advance and then cook and clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave.

In prison, you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your own space all day.

At home, you get to clean your space and everyone else's space, too, and what the heck is free time again?

In prison, you get your own personal toilet.

At home, you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till you're done so you can do something for them.

In prison, the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes.

At home, you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else's, and get yelled at because somebody's favorite shirt isn't clean.

In prison, they take you everywhere you need to go.

At home, you take everybody else where they need to go.

In prison, the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make sure nothing is missing.

At home, you have to lug around everybody else's stuff in your purse and then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar.

In prison, there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn't.

At home....stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?

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Football Trivia - Why 45 Min in Each Half

With World Cup in progress, some basic simple facts that you've just got to know. So, tell me WHY?

Why football is played for 45 minutes in each half?

Those who thought of this must have lots of time… Why people play football for 45 minutes, not 30 minutes or 1 hour?

Even the sports scientist and some of the senior players could not give the right answer.
In that confusing situation one person came up with a reasonable answer.

He said "The reason people play this game for 45 minutes is...

There are 2 teams and there are 11 players in each team.
Each player brings his own "2 balls"
So in total there are 44 balls.
There is one ball on the ground itself. Thus the grand total is 45.

Question Answered!!!

Sometimes there is extra time of 2 minutes; those are the Referee's Balls!!!

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Gorilla Pest Control

A guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book and sure enough finds an ad for “Gorilla Pest Control.” When he asks if they can remove the gorilla, the service guy asks, “Is it male or female?”
“Male,” he replies.
“Oh yeah, we can do that. I’ll be right there,” he states.
An hour later, the service guy shows up with a stick, a Rottweiler, a shotgun, and a large pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions. “I’m going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls out of the tree. When he does, the trained Rotty will move in and savage the gorilla’s private parts. The gorilla will then cross his hands across his crotch to protect himself, and that’s when you move in with the handcuffs!”
The man goes pale and asks, “Um, okay, but what do I do with the shotgun?”
The service guy replies, “Hopefully nothing, but if I happen to fall out of the tree before the gorilla, you’ve got to shoot that Rottweiler!”

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Guess these Words

1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM


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Answers:
1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?

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Final Exam

Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a ________."

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now."

He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."

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How to be politically correct with women

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.

She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.

She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.

She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.

She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.

She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.

She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.

She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.

She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

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