When you die, what song do you want played at your funeral?

When you die, what song do you want played at your funeral?
Or at your memorial, or at whatever ceremony you plan for your family to
organize.

here are some of the choices already posted , you can add ur own :

1. Baby Come Back!
2. Ding dong the witch is dead.
3. if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands (everyone claps)
4. Desperado--by the Eagles
5. Wasted on the Way.
6. "Hallelujah" by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
7. Sympathy for the Devil, Rolling Stones -- I'm taking his job!
8. Old and Wise by Alan Parsons Project
9. Several Species Of Small Furry Animals Gathered Together In A Cave And
10. Grooving With A Pict by Pink Floyd -- That'll be one funeral they won't be likely to forget.
11. I'd like a medley of Village People hits. In the Navy and Kung Fu fighting are particularly apropos.
12. Motorhead's ORGASMATRON
13. "Thriller". I'd like the participants to learn the dance as well, and do it over my body.
14. (Always Look On) The Bright Side of Life-Monty Python --- The way I figure it, I've spent the last 35 years being a smart@ss, I may as well go out on the same note.

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The Perfect Husband...

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club.

A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat.

It's only Rs.1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "Rs7,00,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking Rs.11,50,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 11,00,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

He smiles and asks:





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"Anyone knows who this mobile belongs to?"

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Charm school

Two informally dressed ladies started conversing during an endless wait in the LAX airport.

The conversation turned to children. The first woman, from New York, started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The second woman, a genteel Southerner, commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz.

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my! What on earth for?"

The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a crap?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious"

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Symbol of Marriage

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Other side of Mount Rushmore

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Funny Reason

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Blow Jobs

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A bear and a bunny

A bear and a bunny are sitting in a forest taking a shit. The bear leans over to the bunny and says "Do you ever have the problem of shit sticking to your fur"?
The bunny says "No".
So the bear grabs the bunny and wipes his ass.

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Irish detective

A dangerous criminal had escaped, so the police issued the usual photographs: left profile, front view, and right profile. A few days later they received the following telegram from an Irish detective:

"Have captured the fellow on the left, and the fellow in the middle, and at the rate I'm going it won't be long before I get the fellow on the right as well".

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Kiss for Trade

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk.
"That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."

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You are Bad Luck

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
”I think you're bad luck."

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PMS STANDS FOR

THE TOP 14 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR
14. Pass My Shotgun
13. Psychotic Mood Shift
12. Pack My Stuff
11. Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
10. Perpetual Munching Spree
9. Puffy Mid-Section
8. People Make me Sick
7. Provide Me with Sweets
6. Pardon My Sobbing
5. Pimples May Surface
4. Pass My Sweatpants
3. Pissy Mood Syndrome
2. Plainly Men Suck
And the number one thing PMS stands for......


























Who Cares? I'm not in the mood to play this crap anymore!!

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Shellfish

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World cup Fever Grope

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Tiny Tits

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Thats what she said

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Perfect Day

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Jussi Pussi

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Funny T-Shirt

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Baguette

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Funny Hores Story

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3 eggs and 100 $1 bills

The elderly pastor was searching his closet for his collar before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 100 $1 bills. He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents.

Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 45 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "WHY?" The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings.

He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box.

The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 45 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for.

She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for $1."

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Who's the boss

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked.

"I am." said the man.

"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"

The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."

"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.

"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.

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Like a dumb blonde

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"

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False Report

A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing.
The police arrive and ask for a description.
She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him.
The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police,
"You can't believe her.
He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face."
The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report.
She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"

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SOAB Fish

The parish priest went on a fishing trip.
On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"
"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"
"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"
"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"
Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.
"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."
"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"
"Why, eat it! Of course You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!"
Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.
While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.
"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"
"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!"
"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"
Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.
"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch," she said.
As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.
"What are you doing Sister?"
"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner."
"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"
"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish."
"Really? Well in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!"
"Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."
On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.
The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"
"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.
"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.
The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch using a special recipe!"
The new Bishop looked around at each of them.
A big smile crept across his face as he said...
"You Fuckers are my kind of people!"

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Bizarre question

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was:
A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first one says, "My answer is, there is no answer."

The second one says, "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."

The THIRD one says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names, it's either, Willie Turner or Willie Nailer. HE GOT THE JOB!!!

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Dirty mind

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Endless Power

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Funny Business Hours Sign

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With one little wave of my hand

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Speaker and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before. To make it a little more interesting, Nancy says to the Pope, "Did You know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do.

"That was impressive, the Pope says, "But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your
subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

Nancy seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her.

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The Drunk

A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, he stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result.

He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.

When he arrived at the door, he stood up and again fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again, have you?!"

"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression.

"The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again."

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Who was driving the stupid bus

There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.

The police chief asks: "What were the people doing on the bus?"

The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.

The chief asks: "Yeah, but what else were they doing?".

The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.

The chief says: "Oh! They were drinking, huh?!" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?"

The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.

The chief loses his patience: "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?"

The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.

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It might be the light

Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am
doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?

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Redneck Grill

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He is Back

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Never send a woman to Home Depot

Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing. He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.

Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.

When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?"

The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00."

Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive faucet. It's certainly out of my price bracket."

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy. The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.

From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"

Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."

This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot!

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Who’s best at his job

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.
Later they get together.
The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s Holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.
“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

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Blonde Praying for Help

There was a blonde woman named, Cindy, that was in deep financial problems. So she got on her knees and prayed "Dear God, please let me win the lottery. I really need your help or I'll loose my car, the house, and everything else." She doesn't win.

The next day she prays to God "God! I really really need your help! I'll loose my car, the house, and everything else." Once again, she doesn't win.

The next day she says the same prayer; then God speaks to her:
"Cindy! work with me here, BUY A TICKET!!"

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Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes

(You MUST read them out loud or it doesnt make as much sense)...

1. Thats not right........ Sum Ting Wong
2. Are you harboring a fugitive................... Hu Yu Hai Ding
3. See me ASAP............. Kum Hia Nao
4. Stupid Man...................... Dum Fuk
5. Small horse... Tai Ni Po Ni
6. Did you go to the beach?... Wai Yu So Tan
7. I bumped in to a coffee table... Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8. I think you need a face lift... Chin Tu Fat
9. It's very dark in here... Wao So Dim
10. I thought you were on a diet... Wai Yu Mun Ching
11. This is a tow away zone... No Pah King
12. staying out of sight... Lei Ying Lo
13. He's cleaning his automobile... Wa Shing Ka
14. Your body odor is offensive... Yu Stin Ki Pu
15. Great... Fa Kin Su Pah

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Indian Government Job

Gopal goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes - coffee."

"Have you ever been in the military service?

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says,"That will give you 5 extra points towards employment."
Then he asks,"Are you disabled in any way?"

Gopal says,"Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. To 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow from 10:00AM every day."

Gopal is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why do you want me to start here from10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a government job," the inter-viewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point you coming in for that."

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Being Hen

Rob kissed his wife, crawled into bed and fell asleep. All of a Sudden, he woke up to find an elderly man dressed in a white robe Standing at the foot of his bed.

" What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?... And who are you?" He asked.

" This is not your bedroom," the man replied, " I am St. Peter, and You are in heaven."

" WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too Young," said Rob. "I want you to send me back immediately."

" It's not that easy", said St.Peter. " You can only return as a Dog or a hen. The choice is yours."

Rob thought about it for a while, and figured that being a dog is Too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life.

" I want to return as a hen."

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really Nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna Blow. Then along came another hen.

" Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," she said.
" How do you like being a hen?"

" Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode."

" Oh that!" said the other hen. " That's only the ovulation going On. You need to lay an egg."

" How do I do that?" Rob asked.

" Cluck twice, and then push all you can."

Rob clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then ' plop' an egg was on the ground.

" Wow" Rob said, " That felt really good!"

So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that There was another egg on the ground.

The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:

" Rob, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shitting' all over the Bed!"

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Naval captain

A Spanish Naval captain was walking leisurely on his battleship when a subordinate rushes over to him and says "Sir, an enemy battleship is fast approaching us. We should be ready"


The captain replies coolly "Go. Get my Red shirt."

The subordinate rushes over and gets the Shirt for his captain. The captain wears the red shirt.

After some time, the enemy battleship comes in range. Consequently heavy rounds of fire are exchanged between the two battleships. After much effort, the Spanish win.


The subordinate approaches his boss, "Congratulations for the victory sir, but why did you require the red shirt in the first place?"

The captain replies "Because, during the war if I got injured then my blood should not have been seen as I did not want my men to lose hope and to fight with the same ferocity."


Just then another subordinate rushes over. "Sir, we just spotted another 20 enemy battleships heading in our direction."

The captain replies coolly " Go.. Get my yellow trousers."

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Oh Shit... My Husband

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but I was wrong

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.


One of the students said, "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome, those people walk just like that."


The other student says, "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."


Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"


The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you think."


One of the students said, "I think it's Petry Syndrome."


The old man said, "You thought.... but you are wrong."


Then the other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."


The old man said, "You thought.... but you are wrong.


So they asked him, "Well, what do you have?"


The old man said: "I thought it was GAS..... but I was wrong.

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NOT IN THE MOOD

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a

loose-fitting pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and t-shirt.


As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla immediately went crazy. He jumped on the bars and, holding on with one hand and 2 feet, he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously very excited by the pretty lady in the pink dress.


The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got extremely excited, now making noises that would wake the dead.


Then the husband suggested that she let one of her dress straps fall to show a little more skin. She did ... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down!


"Now, show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips and charging the bars!


Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla, slammed the cage door shut and said, "Now, tell him you have a headache AND U ARE NOT IN THE MOOD NOW !!!!!!

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Shit, I missed

A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf.

The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.

He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly.

The priest promised to do better and the round continued.

On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

Sister ! Is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Shit, I missed."



A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.



And from the sky comes a booming voice .......



"Shit, I missed."

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Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'

I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'

(You're going to love this....)



She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.'

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Plain Lazy

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Meat is Murder

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Blonde Password

During a recent password audit at a large company, it was found that a blond receptionist was using the following password:

“MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacrament o”

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least eight characters long and include at least one capital.

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Getting a second opinion

A doctor and his wife were having a huge argument at breakfast.
“You aren’t so good in bed either!”, he shouted and stormed off to work.
By mid morning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home.
“What took you so long to answer the phone?”
The wife responds, “I was in bed.”
Puzzled the doctor asked “What were you doing in bed this late?”
To which the wife replied, “Getting a second opinion.”

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The Statue

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, and then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' The husband inquired as he entered the room. 'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smith's bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue. 'Have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

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It's a job for Superman

Superman was feeling bored after a long break of crime fighting and Wanted to go out and party.

He called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club & pick up some young girls. Batman said Robin was ill & he had to look after him.

A little disappointed, Superman "SMS" Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers but Spiderman said he had a date with Catwoman.

As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonderwoman's apartment to see if she was free.

As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonderwoman naked on the bed with her legs open and her eyes closed.

Superman thought to himself,

"So exotic, should I or shouldn't I ...wait ....I'm faster than a speeding bullet! I can be in there out again before she knew what happened."

So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flies off happily.

Meanwhile on the bed, Wonderwoman said, "What is going on? Did you hear  anything ...?"

Hollow -Man replied, "No! But....... my AS* hurts like hell!"

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They're finally together

The preacher began with a remembrance of her life....

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.

But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

She finally died after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,

'Lord, they're finally together.'

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,

'Do you think he means her 1st, 2nd or 3rd husband? '

The friend replied, ' I think he means her legs.'

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Free Cat Scan

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Good Girl vs Bad Girl

Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons

Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line

Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better

Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don't wear any

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls

Good girls pack their toothbrush
Bad girls pack their diaphragms

Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it

Good girls wear high heels to work
Bad girls wear high heels to bed

Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place

Good girls prefer the missionary position
Bad girls do too, but only for starters

Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed.
Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home.

Good girls say no
Bad girls say when? say when?

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Benefits of Being a Female

• 
  
• We got off the Titanic first.
• We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
• We never ejaculate prematurely.
• We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
• We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.
• When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic.
• We don't have to get our strength up between sessions...and it's much easier for us to get "some" in the first place.
• We can get off with teenagers without being called dirty old perverts.
• Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - guys look like complete idiots in ours.
• We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
• We can cry and get off speeding fines.
• We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers...... Men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
• Taxis stop for us.
• We've never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
• We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

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Prison life VS Full time Job

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.
At work you spend the majority of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own loo.
At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work we have managers.

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Monday Blues

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Funny Cactus

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Ipad vs Stone

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Bridal Registry

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore ... Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "Good. We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

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How to make them Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.

A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5.. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13.. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23.. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26.. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37.. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. Determined!
41. true
42. dependable
43.. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring Alcohol

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No Speak English

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.


One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.


Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.


On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...




(Please scroll down.)



























What were you Thinking?

Her husband speaks English!

Now get back to your emails.


I worry about you Sometimes! !

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I wish these were brains

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Dustin Hoffman

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Pool Party

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United Steaks of Americs

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HMO manager

Two doctors and an HMO manager are killed in a train wreck and line up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. Saint Peter asks them to identify themselves.
One doctor steps forward and says, “I was a pediatric spinal surgeon. I helped hundreds of kids overcome their deformities.”
Saint Peter says, “Enter.”
The other doctor says, “I was a psychiatrist. I helped rehabilitate thousands of people.”
Saint Peter nods and invites him into heaven, too.
The third applicant steps forward and says, “I was an HMO manager. I helped countless people get cost-effective health care.”
Saint Peter tells him, “You can come in, too.”
As the HMO manager walks by, Saint Peter adds, “But you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell.”

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A new CEO

A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can’t believe this guy would just stand around on the job.
The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, “What are you doing here?”
“I’m just waiting to get paid,” responds the man.
Furious, the CEO asks “How much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young fellow replies, “I make about $300 a week. Why?”
The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, “Here’s four weeks’ pay, now get out and don’t come back.”
The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what they’ve learned from that exchange?”
From across the room comes a voice, “Yeah, I learned I should work as a pizza guy. they get HUGE tips!”

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Better Look Twice

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Lifesavers

A teacher handed out some Lifesavers to her students.
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red…………………Cherry
Yellow………………Lemon
Green……………….Lime
Orange.……………Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, ‘I will give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.’
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, ‘Oh my God! They’re ass-holes!

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Bra sizes

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it's about time you became informed!

{A} - Almost Boobs...
{B} - Barely there.
{C} - Can't Complain!
{D} - Damn!
{DD} - Double damn!
{E} - Enormous!
{F} - Fake.

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Virtual breasts

First there were email smilies and now there are email breasts
For those men out there - Feast your eyes upon these beauties.
For those women out there - be thankful you dont suffer from grandma breasts!!!
(o)(o) perfect breasts
( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts
(*)(*) high nipple breasts
(@)(@) big nipple breasts
oo a cups
{ O }{ O } d cups
(oYo) wonder bra breasts
( ^ )( ^ ) cold breasts
(o)(O) lopsided breasts
Q.Q. pierced breasts
(p)(p) hanging tassels breasts
(:o)(o) bitten by a vampire breasts
o/ o/ grandma's breasts
( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts
< o >< o > electric shock breasts
|o||o| android breasts
(%)(o) extra nipple breasts
($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts
=~= =~= Mammogram breasts
)= )= I have to stop opening the freezer naked breasts...

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Tight Pussy

This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy.
“Put your finger in me…” she asks him.
So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning.
“Put two fingers in…” she says. So in goes another digit.
She’s really starting to get worked up when she says, “Put your whole hand in!”.
The guy’s like, “OK!”.
So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud “Put both your hands inside of me!!!”.
So the guy squeezes both of his hands in.
“Now clap your hands…” commands the girl.
“I can’t!” says the guy.
The girl looks at him and says “See, I told you I had a tight pussy!”.

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I Wish For...

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America

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Proof Reading

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Waiter

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Superman Simulator

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Pacman

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Biopsy Mix-up

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello, Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him......

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Women vs men english

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Hillbilly bubble bath

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Most Discriminating Sign

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Toilet Cameras

To do or not to do

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Its Called Marriage

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Invisibility Cloaks

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Context

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Church Sign

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Funny Car Tag

Read Again it is DVA - GINA

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Dice Illusion

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