It's a job for Superman

Superman was feeling bored after a long break of crime fighting and Wanted to go out and party.

He called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club & pick up some young girls. Batman said Robin was ill & he had to look after him.

A little disappointed, Superman "SMS" Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers but Spiderman said he had a date with Catwoman.

As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonderwoman's apartment to see if she was free.

As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonderwoman naked on the bed with her legs open and her eyes closed.

Superman thought to himself,

"So exotic, should I or shouldn't I ...wait ....I'm faster than a speeding bullet! I can be in there out again before she knew what happened."

So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flies off happily.

Meanwhile on the bed, Wonderwoman said, "What is going on? Did you hear  anything ...?"

Hollow -Man replied, "No! But....... my AS* hurts like hell!"

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They're finally together

The preacher began with a remembrance of her life....

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.

But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

She finally died after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,

'Lord, they're finally together.'

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,

'Do you think he means her 1st, 2nd or 3rd husband? '

The friend replied, ' I think he means her legs.'

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Free Cat Scan

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Good Girl vs Bad Girl

Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons

Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line

Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better

Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don't wear any

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls

Good girls pack their toothbrush
Bad girls pack their diaphragms

Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it

Good girls wear high heels to work
Bad girls wear high heels to bed

Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place

Good girls prefer the missionary position
Bad girls do too, but only for starters

Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed.
Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home.

Good girls say no
Bad girls say when? say when?

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Benefits of Being a Female

• 
  
• We got off the Titanic first.
• We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
• We never ejaculate prematurely.
• We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
• We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.
• When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic.
• We don't have to get our strength up between sessions...and it's much easier for us to get "some" in the first place.
• We can get off with teenagers without being called dirty old perverts.
• Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - guys look like complete idiots in ours.
• We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
• We can cry and get off speeding fines.
• We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers...... Men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
• Taxis stop for us.
• We've never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
• We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

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Prison life VS Full time Job

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.
At work you spend the majority of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own loo.
At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work we have managers.

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Monday Blues

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Funny Cactus

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Ipad vs Stone

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Bridal Registry

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore ... Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "Good. We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

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How to make them Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.

A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5.. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13.. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23.. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26.. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37.. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. Determined!
41. true
42. dependable
43.. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring Alcohol

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No Speak English

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.


One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.


Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.


On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...




(Please scroll down.)



























What were you Thinking?

Her husband speaks English!

Now get back to your emails.


I worry about you Sometimes! !

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I wish these were brains

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Dustin Hoffman

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Pool Party

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United Steaks of Americs

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HMO manager

Two doctors and an HMO manager are killed in a train wreck and line up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. Saint Peter asks them to identify themselves.
One doctor steps forward and says, “I was a pediatric spinal surgeon. I helped hundreds of kids overcome their deformities.”
Saint Peter says, “Enter.”
The other doctor says, “I was a psychiatrist. I helped rehabilitate thousands of people.”
Saint Peter nods and invites him into heaven, too.
The third applicant steps forward and says, “I was an HMO manager. I helped countless people get cost-effective health care.”
Saint Peter tells him, “You can come in, too.”
As the HMO manager walks by, Saint Peter adds, “But you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell.”

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A new CEO

A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can’t believe this guy would just stand around on the job.
The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, “What are you doing here?”
“I’m just waiting to get paid,” responds the man.
Furious, the CEO asks “How much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young fellow replies, “I make about $300 a week. Why?”
The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, “Here’s four weeks’ pay, now get out and don’t come back.”
The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what they’ve learned from that exchange?”
From across the room comes a voice, “Yeah, I learned I should work as a pizza guy. they get HUGE tips!”

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Better Look Twice

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Lifesavers

A teacher handed out some Lifesavers to her students.
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red…………………Cherry
Yellow………………Lemon
Green……………….Lime
Orange.……………Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, ‘I will give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.’
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, ‘Oh my God! They’re ass-holes!

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Bra sizes

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it's about time you became informed!

{A} - Almost Boobs...
{B} - Barely there.
{C} - Can't Complain!
{D} - Damn!
{DD} - Double damn!
{E} - Enormous!
{F} - Fake.

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Virtual breasts

First there were email smilies and now there are email breasts
For those men out there - Feast your eyes upon these beauties.
For those women out there - be thankful you dont suffer from grandma breasts!!!
(o)(o) perfect breasts
( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts
(*)(*) high nipple breasts
(@)(@) big nipple breasts
oo a cups
{ O }{ O } d cups
(oYo) wonder bra breasts
( ^ )( ^ ) cold breasts
(o)(O) lopsided breasts
Q.Q. pierced breasts
(p)(p) hanging tassels breasts
(:o)(o) bitten by a vampire breasts
o/ o/ grandma's breasts
( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts
< o >< o > electric shock breasts
|o||o| android breasts
(%)(o) extra nipple breasts
($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts
=~= =~= Mammogram breasts
)= )= I have to stop opening the freezer naked breasts...

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Tight Pussy

This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy.
“Put your finger in me…” she asks him.
So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning.
“Put two fingers in…” she says. So in goes another digit.
She’s really starting to get worked up when she says, “Put your whole hand in!”.
The guy’s like, “OK!”.
So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud “Put both your hands inside of me!!!”.
So the guy squeezes both of his hands in.
“Now clap your hands…” commands the girl.
“I can’t!” says the guy.
The girl looks at him and says “See, I told you I had a tight pussy!”.

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I Wish For...

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America

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Proof Reading

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Waiter

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Superman Simulator

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Pacman

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Biopsy Mix-up

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello, Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him......

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Women vs men english

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Hillbilly bubble bath

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Most Discriminating Sign

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Toilet Cameras

To do or not to do

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Its Called Marriage

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Invisibility Cloaks

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Context

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Church Sign

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Funny Car Tag

Read Again it is DVA - GINA

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Dice Illusion

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Sex Doctor

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.
The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, ”Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife’s love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.”
He continued, ”Then next, ma’am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.”
The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor.
The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. ”I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.”
The Greens pleaded with him, and said, ”You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.
“Ok, go to the store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios…”

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He's so drunk

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.

He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.

"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.

"That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

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Porn Extreme Close-up

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Classic One Liners

1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
3. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…
4. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
5. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
6. Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
7. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
8. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
9. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
10. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
11. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
12. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
13. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
14. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?
15. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
16. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
17. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
18. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
19. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
20. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
21. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
22. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
23. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
24. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
25. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
26. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
27. I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
28. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
29. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
30. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
31. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
32. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
33. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
34. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
35. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
36. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
37. Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
38. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
39. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
40. Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
41. I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.
42. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
43. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
44. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
45. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
46. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
47. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
48. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
49. Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
50. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
51. The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.
52. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
53. It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
54. A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
55. God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
56. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?
57. Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.
58. I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
59. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
60. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
61. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
62. A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
63. Hallmark Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”
64. Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
65. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
66. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
67. Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one.
68. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
69. Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
70. Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
71. I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a bitch.
72. A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
73. I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
74. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
75. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
76. Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
77. Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
78. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
79. When in doubt, mumble.
80. With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
81. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
82. I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
83. Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
84. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
85. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
86. I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.
87. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
88. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
89. I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
90. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
91. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
92. You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.
93. Archeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins.
94. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
95. Squirrels – nature’s speed bumps.
96. I don’t have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
97. Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.
98. Unless you’re the lead dog, the view never changes.
99. Women should not have children after 35. Really… 35 children are enough.
100. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

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Creativity

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."

Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."

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How’s about if you tell me?

A hillbilly went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like hillbillies. The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Oklahoma hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said “This duck ain’t from Oklahoma. This is a Kansas duck. You got a Kansas huntin’ license, boy?”
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kansas hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said “This ain’t no Kansas duck. This duck’s from Arkansas. You got a Arkansas license?”
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Arkansas hunting license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain’t no Arkansas duck. This here duck’s from South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin’ license?”
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly “Just where the hell are you from?”
The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said “How’s about if you tell me.”

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Expedition across the Sahara Desert

An Englishman, an American, and an Irishman planned an expedition across the Sahara Desert, and at the appointed time each shows up with the luggage critical to his survival.

Motioning to his umbrella, the Englishman says, "It's going to be hot out there, roaming across the desert, so I've brought something to keep the sun off me".

The American says "What's really needed here is good old American know-how, so I've brought along a portable air-conditioner to keep me cool throughout the day."

They look across at the Irishman, who is carrying nothing but a right front door to a 1968 Holden. "It's going to be a scorcher out there," he explains, "and so when it gets too hot, I want to be able to wind down the car window."

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Two Irishmen fishing

Two Irishmen are out fishing for the day, and they have a great time; with the fish grabbing the hooks as fast as they can get them into the water. Finally, with the boat full of as many fish as it will hold, they decide it's time to head for shore.
"But listen," says Mick, "why don't we mark the spot?"
"No problem," says Paddy, who dives into the water and paints a big black X on the bottom of the boat.
Mick beams with pleasure, and they're almost back to the dock when his face wrinkles in consternation. "Oh, no!" he cries to Paddy, "what if we don't get the same boat?".

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Cow from Alberta

The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars. Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.

However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the rabbi what was happening; "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.

The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Alberta?"

The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Alberta?

"The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Alberta."

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I'm NOT happy

A man lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that took two arms.

One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on the sidewalk below skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly, useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could do it with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. He asked "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said "I'm NOT happy; I am trying to scratch my ass."

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Change my prescription

An old man strode in to his doctor's office and said, "Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you've been giving to Mrs. Smith."

"Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since when does a druggist second guess a doctor's orders?"

The old man said, "Since he found out I've been on birth control pills since February."

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My wife Suzie

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” “What makes you say that?” the bartender inquired. “Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

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Number One Sport

A woman, while touring a small South American country was shown a bullfight.

The guide told her, "This is our number one sport."

The horrified woman said, "Isn't that revolting?"

"No," the guide replied, "revolting is our number two sport." 

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Family Planning

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Falkland Island Crisis

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.

Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office. "Since we weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated.

What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We'll start on the left, boys, so what'll it be?"

Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!" General: "Very good son, that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds"

Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!"

General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds"

Soldier 3: "The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!"

General: "That's a strange but fair request, son!

As the general begins the measurement: "What! Son, where is your left pinky?"

Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sahr!"

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Ugliest child

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'

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What took you so long?

A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon.  There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract.  She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.
He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?"
The unperturbed doctor replied, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."

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Would you...study?

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.

"I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...anything."

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"Anything."

His voice softens. "Anything??"

"Absolutely anything."

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?"

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Funny Babies Faces

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Turpentine

Paddy and Mick, both farmers, met one day at a Kilkenny fair.
"Tell me," said Paddy, "what did you give your mule when he had colic?"
"Turpentine," said Mick.
A few months later they met again.
"What did you say you gave your mule when he had colic?" asked Paddy.
"Turpentine," said Mick.
"Well, I gave my mule turpentine, and he died," said Paddy.
"That's strange," said Dave, "so did mine."

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God's Apples of Life

A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.

Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"

Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.

Without them we wouldn't be here."

Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.

To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"

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Neck Stand

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Good old days

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Designated Driver

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Men want to Live Longer

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Hiding a Boner

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STFU

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Chestnuts

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I haven't been away at all

An Irishman and an American were sitting in the bar at Shannon Airport.
"I've come to meet my brother," said the Irishman. "He's due to fly in from America in an hour's time. It's his first trip home in forty years".
"Will you be able to recognize him?" asked the American.
"I'm sure I won't," said the Irishman, "after all, he's been away for a long time".
"I wonder if he'll recognize you?" said the American.
"Of course he will," said the Irishman. "Sure, an' I haven't been away at all".

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100 Reasons To Be Glad You're A Man

1. You never get drunk as fast, as the girl you are chatting up !
2. You can tell dirty jokes !
3. You get dirty jokes !
4. You can go topless in Saudi Arabia and Pakistan, without getting stoned !
5. You go to bed with any number of women !
6. You can play the video, whenever you wish !
7. You are taller. Most of the time !
8. Cricket, foot-ball, Golf, Tennis, Poker are important to live !
9. Fat is a feminist issue !
10. Bars and restaurants don't go quiet, when you walk in - alone !
11. You can scratch your privates in public !
12. You don't have to breast feed !
13. Peeing in public, is perfectly acceptable !
14. You don't have to remember where you have left things !
15. Your records are in alphabetical order !
16. You know exactly what curtains you want for your new house. They are the ones they have got in the nearest curtain shop !
17. Ever heard the term " Unfit Father " ?
18. Your Mum will always love you. In spite of everything !
19. Every news agent is full of available partners - provided you can reach the top shelf !
20. You can carry an over the shoulder courier bag on your back, without re-arranging your breasts !
21. It really doesn't matter, if you can't stand up after midnight !
22. You are far more likely to receive, than give oral sex !
23. You have only a limited range of acceptable hairstyles, to choose from !
24. And as you get older, you get less hair to worry about !
25. You don't get patronised by policemen !
26. If you wear a suit and tie, nobody will suspect you are a lesbian !
27. You feel perfectly comfortable wearing clothes you wore yesterday and left on the floor all night !
28. Even your best underwear, is relatively uncomplicated !
29. As long as your Mum's still alive, you get your washing done at her place !
30. Being treated like a sex object, isn't such a bad thing !
31. Men rule the world !
32. And women, live in it !
33. You can whistle loudly in the street !
34. You have absolutely no compunction about hiring a cleaning lady !
35. You never have to wax your legs !
36. You can eat a banana in public !
37. You can pee standing up and wherever you want !
38. Sex can be as quick, as you like !
39. You don't have to wear make up !
40. Your nails are always dry !
41. You don't have to mentally grow up !
42. You can become a Catholic priest and have unlimited free wine !
43. A moustache, looks good on you !
44. A beard, looks good on you !
45. You get to wear comfortable shoes !
46. You don't collapse in floods of tears, if your partner says you look fine !
47. You can have a baby, without changing your wardrobe !
48. Tights are totally out of the question !
49. You can buy bananas and cucumbers, without getting embarrassed !
50. You don't get angry, if your spouse forgets Valentine's Day !
51. You never have to admit to, not knowing something !
52. You can avoid bathing, shaving and ironing and merely be called eccentric !
53. You don't have to sleep with the Boss. Unless you want to !
54. You can climb trees, without exposing your undergarments !
55. You can throw up in public !
56. Facial wrinkles are called character lines !
57. When you are past 80, your breasts don't interfere with your belt !
58. You can totally avoid salads and it doesn't seem to harm you !
59. You can take the dog for a walk and have a good break !
60. Press ups are easier !
61. You can discuss your flatulence with a certain pride !
62. You can become a professional footballer !
63. You can become a soldier and shoot foreigners !
64. You get to eat enormous quantities of strange cheese !
65. Bad hair day ? So what ???
66. You just sort of know about country flags !
67. You can open new bottles of tomato ketchup !
68. Everyone loves a man in uniform !
69. You remain optimistic about sport and sex !
70. A 1972 Mercedes isn't just a car, for you !
71. You have no trouble whatsoever, putting stuff off until tomorrow !
72. You don't cry. Unless your team gets promoted, or wins something !
73. You don't feel the need to read instruction manuals on equipment !
74. A phone call only lasts a minute. Unless it's a particularly long and intricate Indian takeaway order !
75. You're allowed to put things in your pockets !
76. You don't have to throw things away, just because they're not new anymore !
77. You're allowed to - in fact you're expected to - swear heavily !
78. You can sit about smoking in Arab countries !
79. Chocolate will never rule your life !
80. You are expected to accidentally break things !
81. If nobody fancies you, it's their problem !
82. You do not find the need to get married !
83. Your spouse will also earn a part of the money, to run your household !
84. Your spouse will normally do whatever you wish, for you !
85. You can drink beer and watch TV in the house, while the household shopping is being done !
86. You can drink beer and watch TV in the house, while the food is getting prepared !
87. You can drink beer and watch TV in the house, while the children are being washed, fed and taken care of !
88. You can call your friends over for a party, without having to worry about food preparation !
89. You can call your friends over for a party, without having to properly get dressed up !
90. You can call your friends over for a party, even when your spouse is not in the mood, or tired !
91. You can crack sarcastic jokes on your spouse, without considering her feelings !
92. You can call your spouse over - for sex, during anytime of the day - irrespective of her mood !
93. You can call your spouse over - for sex, during anytime of the day - irrespective of her need !
94. You need not wear a negilgee to excite your spouse !
95. You can expect your spouse to do a strip show, for you !
96. You can have sex without any petting and fondling first !
97. You can expect your spouse to perform oral sex, without doing the same for her !
98. You can expect your spouse to ask your spouse to agree to all your perversions !
99. You can have an orgasm, every single time that you have sex !
100. You can go to sleep, the next minute - after an orgasm !

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WTF US Sex Laws

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Slow degradation of english language

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