How’s about if you tell me?

A hillbilly went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like hillbillies. The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Oklahoma hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said “This duck ain’t from Oklahoma. This is a Kansas duck. You got a Kansas huntin’ license, boy?”
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kansas hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said “This ain’t no Kansas duck. This duck’s from Arkansas. You got a Arkansas license?”
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Arkansas hunting license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain’t no Arkansas duck. This here duck’s from South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin’ license?”
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly “Just where the hell are you from?”
The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said “How’s about if you tell me.”

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Expedition across the Sahara Desert

An Englishman, an American, and an Irishman planned an expedition across the Sahara Desert, and at the appointed time each shows up with the luggage critical to his survival.

Motioning to his umbrella, the Englishman says, "It's going to be hot out there, roaming across the desert, so I've brought something to keep the sun off me".

The American says "What's really needed here is good old American know-how, so I've brought along a portable air-conditioner to keep me cool throughout the day."

They look across at the Irishman, who is carrying nothing but a right front door to a 1968 Holden. "It's going to be a scorcher out there," he explains, "and so when it gets too hot, I want to be able to wind down the car window."

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Two Irishmen fishing

Two Irishmen are out fishing for the day, and they have a great time; with the fish grabbing the hooks as fast as they can get them into the water. Finally, with the boat full of as many fish as it will hold, they decide it's time to head for shore.
"But listen," says Mick, "why don't we mark the spot?"
"No problem," says Paddy, who dives into the water and paints a big black X on the bottom of the boat.
Mick beams with pleasure, and they're almost back to the dock when his face wrinkles in consternation. "Oh, no!" he cries to Paddy, "what if we don't get the same boat?".

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Cow from Alberta

The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars. Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.

However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the rabbi what was happening; "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.

The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Alberta?"

The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Alberta?

"The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Alberta."

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I'm NOT happy

A man lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that took two arms.

One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on the sidewalk below skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly, useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could do it with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. He asked "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said "I'm NOT happy; I am trying to scratch my ass."

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Change my prescription

An old man strode in to his doctor's office and said, "Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you've been giving to Mrs. Smith."

"Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since when does a druggist second guess a doctor's orders?"

The old man said, "Since he found out I've been on birth control pills since February."

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My wife Suzie

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” “What makes you say that?” the bartender inquired. “Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

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Number One Sport

A woman, while touring a small South American country was shown a bullfight.

The guide told her, "This is our number one sport."

The horrified woman said, "Isn't that revolting?"

"No," the guide replied, "revolting is our number two sport." 

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Family Planning

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Falkland Island Crisis

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.

Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office. "Since we weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated.

What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We'll start on the left, boys, so what'll it be?"

Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!" General: "Very good son, that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds"

Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!"

General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds"

Soldier 3: "The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!"

General: "That's a strange but fair request, son!

As the general begins the measurement: "What! Son, where is your left pinky?"

Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sahr!"

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Ugliest child

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'

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What took you so long?

A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon.  There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract.  She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.
He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?"
The unperturbed doctor replied, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."

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Would you...study?

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.

"I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...anything."

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"Anything."

His voice softens. "Anything??"

"Absolutely anything."

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?"

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Funny Babies Faces

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Turpentine

Paddy and Mick, both farmers, met one day at a Kilkenny fair.
"Tell me," said Paddy, "what did you give your mule when he had colic?"
"Turpentine," said Mick.
A few months later they met again.
"What did you say you gave your mule when he had colic?" asked Paddy.
"Turpentine," said Mick.
"Well, I gave my mule turpentine, and he died," said Paddy.
"That's strange," said Dave, "so did mine."

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God's Apples of Life

A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.

Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"

Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.

Without them we wouldn't be here."

Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.

To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"

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Neck Stand

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Good old days

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Designated Driver

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Men want to Live Longer

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Hiding a Boner

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STFU

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Chestnuts

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I haven't been away at all

An Irishman and an American were sitting in the bar at Shannon Airport.
"I've come to meet my brother," said the Irishman. "He's due to fly in from America in an hour's time. It's his first trip home in forty years".
"Will you be able to recognize him?" asked the American.
"I'm sure I won't," said the Irishman, "after all, he's been away for a long time".
"I wonder if he'll recognize you?" said the American.
"Of course he will," said the Irishman. "Sure, an' I haven't been away at all".

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100 Reasons To Be Glad You're A Man

1. You never get drunk as fast, as the girl you are chatting up !
2. You can tell dirty jokes !
3. You get dirty jokes !
4. You can go topless in Saudi Arabia and Pakistan, without getting stoned !
5. You go to bed with any number of women !
6. You can play the video, whenever you wish !
7. You are taller. Most of the time !
8. Cricket, foot-ball, Golf, Tennis, Poker are important to live !
9. Fat is a feminist issue !
10. Bars and restaurants don't go quiet, when you walk in - alone !
11. You can scratch your privates in public !
12. You don't have to breast feed !
13. Peeing in public, is perfectly acceptable !
14. You don't have to remember where you have left things !
15. Your records are in alphabetical order !
16. You know exactly what curtains you want for your new house. They are the ones they have got in the nearest curtain shop !
17. Ever heard the term " Unfit Father " ?
18. Your Mum will always love you. In spite of everything !
19. Every news agent is full of available partners - provided you can reach the top shelf !
20. You can carry an over the shoulder courier bag on your back, without re-arranging your breasts !
21. It really doesn't matter, if you can't stand up after midnight !
22. You are far more likely to receive, than give oral sex !
23. You have only a limited range of acceptable hairstyles, to choose from !
24. And as you get older, you get less hair to worry about !
25. You don't get patronised by policemen !
26. If you wear a suit and tie, nobody will suspect you are a lesbian !
27. You feel perfectly comfortable wearing clothes you wore yesterday and left on the floor all night !
28. Even your best underwear, is relatively uncomplicated !
29. As long as your Mum's still alive, you get your washing done at her place !
30. Being treated like a sex object, isn't such a bad thing !
31. Men rule the world !
32. And women, live in it !
33. You can whistle loudly in the street !
34. You have absolutely no compunction about hiring a cleaning lady !
35. You never have to wax your legs !
36. You can eat a banana in public !
37. You can pee standing up and wherever you want !
38. Sex can be as quick, as you like !
39. You don't have to wear make up !
40. Your nails are always dry !
41. You don't have to mentally grow up !
42. You can become a Catholic priest and have unlimited free wine !
43. A moustache, looks good on you !
44. A beard, looks good on you !
45. You get to wear comfortable shoes !
46. You don't collapse in floods of tears, if your partner says you look fine !
47. You can have a baby, without changing your wardrobe !
48. Tights are totally out of the question !
49. You can buy bananas and cucumbers, without getting embarrassed !
50. You don't get angry, if your spouse forgets Valentine's Day !
51. You never have to admit to, not knowing something !
52. You can avoid bathing, shaving and ironing and merely be called eccentric !
53. You don't have to sleep with the Boss. Unless you want to !
54. You can climb trees, without exposing your undergarments !
55. You can throw up in public !
56. Facial wrinkles are called character lines !
57. When you are past 80, your breasts don't interfere with your belt !
58. You can totally avoid salads and it doesn't seem to harm you !
59. You can take the dog for a walk and have a good break !
60. Press ups are easier !
61. You can discuss your flatulence with a certain pride !
62. You can become a professional footballer !
63. You can become a soldier and shoot foreigners !
64. You get to eat enormous quantities of strange cheese !
65. Bad hair day ? So what ???
66. You just sort of know about country flags !
67. You can open new bottles of tomato ketchup !
68. Everyone loves a man in uniform !
69. You remain optimistic about sport and sex !
70. A 1972 Mercedes isn't just a car, for you !
71. You have no trouble whatsoever, putting stuff off until tomorrow !
72. You don't cry. Unless your team gets promoted, or wins something !
73. You don't feel the need to read instruction manuals on equipment !
74. A phone call only lasts a minute. Unless it's a particularly long and intricate Indian takeaway order !
75. You're allowed to put things in your pockets !
76. You don't have to throw things away, just because they're not new anymore !
77. You're allowed to - in fact you're expected to - swear heavily !
78. You can sit about smoking in Arab countries !
79. Chocolate will never rule your life !
80. You are expected to accidentally break things !
81. If nobody fancies you, it's their problem !
82. You do not find the need to get married !
83. Your spouse will also earn a part of the money, to run your household !
84. Your spouse will normally do whatever you wish, for you !
85. You can drink beer and watch TV in the house, while the household shopping is being done !
86. You can drink beer and watch TV in the house, while the food is getting prepared !
87. You can drink beer and watch TV in the house, while the children are being washed, fed and taken care of !
88. You can call your friends over for a party, without having to worry about food preparation !
89. You can call your friends over for a party, without having to properly get dressed up !
90. You can call your friends over for a party, even when your spouse is not in the mood, or tired !
91. You can crack sarcastic jokes on your spouse, without considering her feelings !
92. You can call your spouse over - for sex, during anytime of the day - irrespective of her mood !
93. You can call your spouse over - for sex, during anytime of the day - irrespective of her need !
94. You need not wear a negilgee to excite your spouse !
95. You can expect your spouse to do a strip show, for you !
96. You can have sex without any petting and fondling first !
97. You can expect your spouse to perform oral sex, without doing the same for her !
98. You can expect your spouse to ask your spouse to agree to all your perversions !
99. You can have an orgasm, every single time that you have sex !
100. You can go to sleep, the next minute - after an orgasm !

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WTF US Sex Laws

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Slow degradation of english language

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Looking for a Girlfriend (never ending search)

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I need a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now 40 and am looking for a girl with very big tits.

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Gay Terrorist

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Redneck Prom Dress

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How a women brain works

Please contact me if you understand it :)

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Women are Problem (proved)

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Man and Woman Shopping

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Man and Woman Controls

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Chances of man winning an argument

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Store rules

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Redneck Wedding Reception

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Windoos TP

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Keep Out

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Its a Trap

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How to pick up men / women

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How did dinosaurus die?

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Hazardous Material Data Sheet

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Failed Product Designs

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Senior Citizens Having Fun

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Fatest Thing

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir?', he asked the second man.
'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.' He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said.
Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'
'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already s**t my pants.'
BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

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Why 7 Dwarfs liked Snowhite?

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New Wii Feature

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