My son is gay

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.

He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ..What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.

And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.’

Read More

What's wrong?

A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."
A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran
back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."

The boy, bless his heart, answered;

"Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.
I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.
I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.
I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me.
I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat.
I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.

But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said,

'Should we eat them here or take them with us?'

" Well, I guess I just panicked "

Read More

No Underpants

This story of a couple who drove their car to Asda, only to have their car break down in the car park.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis.

Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into
place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Read More

Have You Ever Danced?

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."


There are a few lessons for us all here:


Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.

Read More

My boyfriend is stuck!

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed. 'If I do 250 kph, will you take off your clothes?' he smirked.

'Yes,' said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 250, she peeled off all her clothes.

Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

'Go and get help!' he cried.

'But I can't! I'm naked and my clothes are gone!'

'Take my shoe' he said 'and cover yourself.'

Holding the shoe over her privates, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, 'Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!'

The proprietor looked at the shoe and fainted.......!!!!!!!!!

Read More

Your husband just slid under the table

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.
Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.

The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman,
"Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't.

He just walked in the door."

Read More

Mississippi Grandma

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

Read More

American Newspaper

A man is out walking in New York city when he sees a little girl being chased by a fierce dog. He fights off the dog by hitting the dog’s head with a stick and saves the girl’s life.

The girl’s mother rushes over to him: “Thank you so much for saving my little girl. You are a true hero.

Tomorrow all the newspapers will have headlines about ‘Brave New Yorker Saves the Life of Young Girl’

“But I’m not a New Yorker,” the man says.

“Oh, then it will say in all the newspapers Brave American Saves Life of Young Girl,” says the mother.

“But I’m not an American neither,” the man says.

“So, what are you then?” asks the mother.

“I’m an Iranian,” the man replied politely.

The next day he sees the newspaper headlines:

“Islamic Extremist Kills American Dog.”

Read More

Busy Businessman

A young businessman had just started his own firm.

He’d rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office.

Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”

The man said, “Sure. I’ve come to install the phone!”

Read More

I’m a panda. Look it up!

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for the food.”

The panda yells back, “Hey, man, I’m a panda. Look it up!”

The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: “A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Usually eats shoots and leaves.”

Read More

Christmas Shopping

It was nearly Christmas and Judge Judy was in a happy mood. She asked the defendant, "What are you being prosecuted for?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping too early," replied the defendant.

"That's not a crime," replied Judge Judy.

"How early were you doing you Christmas shopping?"

"Before the store opened," replied the defendant!!

Read More

Sorry, no room

A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full."

The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies."

The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."

Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, "I'll have you know I converted to your religion."
The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?"

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem."

"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."

"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?"

Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"

Read More

Man and Woman

Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.

Q. Why did the woman cross the road?
A. Wait, better question, why is she out of the kitchen!?

Q. Why don't women need drivers licenses?
A. There is no road between the bedroom and the kitchen.

Q. What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
A. Nothing, shes already been told twice.

Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q. How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
A. All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

Q. What do you call a man with half a brain?
A. Gifted.

Read More

Homework

Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she heard:

"One and one, the son-of-a-bi*ch is two."
"Two and two, the son-of-a-bi*ch is four."
"Three and three... "

His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math. Little Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Margo taught him.

His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework. The next day she stormed into Little Johnny's classroom and confronted Ms. Margo. Little Johnny's mother told Ms. Margo about Little Johnny's different way of doing math, and his claims that Ms. Margo taught it that way to the class.

The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn't understand why Little Johnny had said what he did. Then suddenly, Ms Margo exclaimed, "Oh, I know, here in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is two."

Read More

Blonde on a Horse

A pretty blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but fails to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

She is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune...

Bill, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

Read More

Star Password

A Kid calls the Help Desk to complain a computer problem.

Kid: When I type computer password, it just shows star star star star. Whatz the joke?

Help Desk: Dear kid, those stars are to protect you, so that if a person standing behind, he can't read your password.

Kid: Yeah, but stars appear even when there is no one standing behind me.

Read More

Vocabulary additions

Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace:

1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard

4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line generation's answer to the couch potato.

8. SITCOMS: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find your self unable to stop watching them.

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

14. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

15. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.

16. GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

17. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

18. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.

19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

Read More

King Soloman's temple?

Q: Where is King Soloman's temple?

A: On the side of his head!

Read More

Love marriage or arranged marriage

Its funny when people discuss over "love marriage" and "arranged marriage"

It is like asking a person if he would like to "hang himself" or "shoot himself".

Read More

Few Embarassing Moments in Soccer / Football

Read More

Gathering Chicken

The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.

"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."

"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."

Read More

Do you know who I am?

It was the final examination for an introductory Biology course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 500 students in the class!

The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half of an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. An hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."

The student looked incredulous and angry.

"Do you know who I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

"Do you know who I am?" the student asked again in a louder voice.

"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

Read More

Misunderstanding terms

One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.

For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

Read More

News Stories

A newspaper editor offered a reward for people who phoned in with news stories.

The editor received a call from someone saying that a truck had lost its brakes on a hill and, after picking up great speed, had crashed into and demolished a house.

"I'm not interested," he said. "That sort of thing happens all the time. It's not news."

"I know what you mean, and I thought you might feel that way, but you'll probably be more interested," said the caller, "when I tell you that it was your house."

Read More

Single Woman

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected:

a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee,
and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

Read More

Girl Friend And Mobile

Q. What Is The Similarity Between Girl Friend And Mobile?

A. Both Are Disconnected When There Is NO Money.

Read More

Dog and Cat

A Dog Fell In Love With a Cat

But Dog's Parents Refused Cat

Guess Why?
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
They Gave a Solid Reason

- The girl has mustache

Read More

Loving Husband

A man was invited to a friend’s home for dinner, where he noticed that his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms, calling her honey, darling, sweetheart, pumpkin, etc. He was impressed at this, since the couple had been married over 50 years.
While the wife was in the kitchen, he said, “I think it’s wonderful that after all the years, you still call your wife those pet names.”
His buddy shrugged, lowered his voice and said, “To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about 10 years ago.”

Read More

I'm Albert

A woman is in a grocery store and happens upon a grandpa and his poorly behaving 3-year-old grandson at every turn.

It's obvious grandpa has his hands full with the kid screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda.

Meanwhile grandpa is working his way around saying in a controlled voice, 'Easy Albert, we won't be long; easy boy.'

Another outburst and she hears grandpa calmly say, 'It's OK Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be outta here; hang in there.'

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items from the cart and grandpa again in a controlled voice is saying, 'Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset -- we'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert.'

Very impressed the woman goes up to grandpa as he's loading the kid and the groceries into the car and says, 'You know sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. The whole time you kept your composure and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. Albert is very lucky to have you for his grandpa.'

'Thanks, lady,' replied grandpa, 'But I'm Albert . . . the little jerk's name is Johnny.'

Read More

Begging Business

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a Cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross. Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty.

A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the Star of David and says: 'Young man. Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David.'

The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says 'Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business?

Read More

Male view Marriage

1. The last fight we had was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

2. In the beginning God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then neither God nor man has rested.

3. My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.

4. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mother-in-laws.

5. Young son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

6. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

7. How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

8. If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

9. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late."

10. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they look beautiful.

Read More

Answers to 5 of the toughest questions women ask

The five questions are:

1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answered properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:



1 - "What are you thinking?"
The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:

a - Football
b - Baseball
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

The best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:



2 - "Do you love me?"
The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include:

a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?



3 - "Do I look fat?"
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:

a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.



4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?"
The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:

a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.



5 - "What would you do if I died?"
Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way."

Read More

Men Are Like Superman

1. He has this innate desire to see through things

2. He seems to be struggling with somewhat of an identity crisis

3. He seems so human but in many ways is just another alien life form

4. He comes from a planet no woman understands

5. He often wears a disguise to keep people from seeing who he really is

6. In spite of all his logic he is still very much confused about love

7. He changes his clothes quickly and just leaves them scattered around

8. He does everything he can to keep his weakness from being exposed

9. Regardless of how dashing he is he can't help but look funny in tights

10. He acts so in control, but let him come across a little green and he loses his head

Read More

I know the whole truth

At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth". The boy decides to go home and try it out.

He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."

Read More

Men Are Like...

... Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

... Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

... Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

... Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.

... Computers.
Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

... Coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

... Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

... Curling Irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

... Government Bonds.
They take way too long to mature.

... Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

... Lava Lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

... Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

... Parking Spots.
The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small.

... Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

... Weather.
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

Read More

Slogans for Women's T-shirts

1. So many men, so few who can afford me.
2. God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
3. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.
4. At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all...I just can't remember it all.
5. My Mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
6. Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.
7. Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich.
8. Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
9. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
10. Dinner Is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
11. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
12. I'm out of estrogen-and I have a gun.
13. Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?
14. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
15. I hate everybody...and you're next.
16. And your point is...?
17. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
18. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
19. Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.
20. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
21. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
22. All stressed out and no one to choke.
23. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
24. How can I miss you if you won't go away?
25. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
26. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
27. Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
28. When i drunk i talk real things.

Read More

Understanding WOMEN

A Woman's Vocabulary, Keywords and Meanings (as taken from an interview with a woman)

FINE
This is the word we use at the end of any argument in which we feel we are right, but need to shut you up. NEVER use 'Fine' to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those
arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five
minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing"
usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman
getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in
about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is still often a
verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft
Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay
content.

OH
This word followed by any statement is trouble.
Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night". If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine"
when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead-in to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows and a "Go ahead," followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a
woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before visiting on you major retribution and tribulations for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is
giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the
truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's
Okay".

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will
say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud
Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".

Read More

Understanding MEN

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern
connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned
response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "That girl standing on the corner is a
real babe."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum
cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot our anniversary."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner
was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but
will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you
just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me,
and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more
outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

Read More

Another problem caused by deforestation

Read More

What a Woman Wants in a Man

What I Want In A Man, Original List ... (at age 22)
-----------------------------------
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 32)
-----------------------------------
1. Nice Looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry in all the groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers Birthdays and Anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 42)
----------------------------------
1. Not too ugly - bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 52)
----------------------------------
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting
5. Doesn't re-tell same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on Weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV Dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 62)
----------------------------------
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Doesn't forgets why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers when...

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 72)
----------------------------------
1. Breathing

Read More

Life of Man

God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."

And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."

And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."

And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 30 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grand children.

Read More

The bigger they are, the dumber they are

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Minutes later he runs back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

Read More

A Secret of Long and Happy Marriage

I met a man who had been married for 66 years. "Amazing. 66 years!" I said. "What's the secret to such a long, happy marriage?"

"Well," he replied, "It's like this. The man makes all the big decisions... and the woman just makes the little decisions."

"Really?" I responded. "Does that really work?"

"Oh, yes," he said proudly. "66 years, and so far, not one big decision!"

Read More

How to Satisfaction a Woman and Man

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN:
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromatize, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, Anglicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, and start again.

HOW TO SATISFY A MAN:
Show up naked with food.

Read More

A story about everybody

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

Read More

Differences between you and your Boss

When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

Read More

Don't stop

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Australian on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the Australian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

Read More

Sex Humor

1. Why do women wear red lipstick?
>>> To warn men it's the wrong hole!

2. What's the similarity between a woman's legs and bread&butter?
>>> Delicious when spread!

3. What's the difference between a bowling ball & a pussy?
>>> You can only put in 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

4. Sex is like MATH: ADD the bed, SUBTRACT the clothes, DIVIDE the
legs, and MULTIPLY!

5. What do u get when u cross breed a rooster with an M&M?
>>> A cock that melts in your mouth not in your hands.

6. Ho! Ho! Ho! Why are Santa Clause's balls so big?
>>> Coz he only comes once a year! Ho! Ho! HO!

7. Dodi saw his driver in heaven and said:
>>> I said I wanna fuck Di in the tunnel, not fucking die in the tunnel!"

8. Why do men get paid more at the sperm bank than in a blood bank?
>>> Sperm is handmade.

9. What happen to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
>>> They become mummies!

10. What part of the human anatomy that occasionally drips & feels good when blown?
>>> The NOSE!

11. What are the 2 best parts of a wedding?
>>> Playing of the organ & Coming of the bride.

Read More

Why Studying Is Better Than Sex

10. You can usually find someone to do it with.
9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.
8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.
7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.
6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser."
4. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.
3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.
1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help.

Read More

Have an affair

The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug.
Doug suggests, "Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?"
"But what if my wife finds out?" asks Bill.
"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!" said Doug.
So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."

"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that? it didn't work."

Read More

How Many Women

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."

Read More

Favorite Flower

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor.

"It is essential that husbands and wives know each others likes and dislikes."

He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

Read More

Blind Date for Daughter

Once there was a girl who wanted a boyfriend. Her mom wanted to help her, so she set up a blind date for her daughter.

When the girl got back from the date she said "That was the worst night of my life!"

"Why is that?" her mom asked.

"He owns a 1922 Rolls Royce!"

"Isn't that a good thing?"

"He's the original owner mom!"

Read More

Mary Lou

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a rolled-up magazine.

“What the hell was that for?” he asked.

“That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it,” she replied.
“But you don’t understand,” he pleaded. “Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.”

“Oh honey, I’m sorry,” she said. “I should have known there was a good explanation.”

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, “What was that for?” he pleaded.

“Your horse just called!”

Read More

Hatch who?

Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

Hatch.

Hatch who?

Cover your mouth when you sneeze!

Read More

Horse race

Three couples are are at the local horse races and the men are wondering what number horse to bet on. While thinking about what to do, one man suggests that they all go to the restroom and measure the size of their dicks, add the sizes together, and that would be the number of the horse they would bet on.

Deciding that this was an innovative idea, they went off of the men's restroom. Inside, the first man says "Mine's 6 inches", the second man says "Mine's 4 inches, so that totals 10", and the third guy says "Mine's 2 inches, so that brings the total to 12".

So they exit the restroom and put all their money on horse number 12. Sure enough, horse number 12 strides in front of all the rest to the finish line. So off they went to collect their winnings. Then came the problem of how they were going to split the money.

While thinking, the first man says, "Mine was 6 inches so I should get 60%". Thinking along the same line, the second man says "Mine was 4 inches so I should get 40%".Now the third guy thinks about this for a while and finally says, "I should get it all".

The other two look at each other and asked "Why?", to which the third man looks at the first man and says, "If I had not carried around a stiff erection all this afternoon looking up your wife's skirt every time she sat down, it would only have been 1 inch, in which case you would have bet on number 11 and lost everything".

Read More

What did the eagle taste like?

A hiker gets lost in the woods and spends the next three days wandering around with no food. Finally, he spots a bald eagle on a ledge, hits it with a big rock, and begins eating it raw.
A park ranger stumbles on the scene and arrests the hiker for killing an endangered species.
In court the hiker explains that he was on the edge of starvation and had no choice.
“Considering the circumstances, I find you not guilty,” says the judge. “But I have to ask—what did the eagle taste like?”
“Well, your honor,” the hiker says, “if I had to describe it, I’d say it tasted something like a cross between spotted owl and blue whale.”

Read More

Plough the land

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.

The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."

The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"

"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."

Read More

Love Advice from Kids

Some great tips on love and relationships by kids between the age of 5 and 10...

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." (Tom, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, cause she'll want to havevideos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE:
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deoderantare so popular." (Jan, 9)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE:
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me, I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually work for me." (Bart, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU":
"The person is thinking, Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (michelle,9)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." (Randy,8)

Read More

Golf Advice

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.

Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

Read More

You might be a redneck if...

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
3. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
4. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
5. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

Read More

Ethics

A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business.
“Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material.
You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill.
But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills.
Now, here’s where the ethics come in:



should you or should you not tell your partner?”

Read More

Fortune teller

Wandering around a fairgrounds, a man enters a fortune-teller’s tent for a laugh. “I see you’re the father of two,” says the seer, gazing into her crystal ball. “Ha! That’s what you think,” says the man scornfully. “I’m the father of three.”
“Ha!” says the fortune-teller. “That’s what you think.”

Read More

More One Liners

My father is allergic to cotton. He has pills that he can take for it, but he can't get them out of the bottle.

My girlfriend likes to role-play. For the past five years, she's been playing my ex-girlfriend.

I got mugged by a magician. It's not funny: He took my wallet, my watch, and every silver dollar I had behind my ear.

My friend is a procrastinator. He’s afraid of Saturday the 14th.

Marry an orphan: You’ll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.

Ever wonder who the genius is who decided to put fire hydrants in all the good parking spots?

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? He stayed up all night trying to decide if there really was a dog!

Read More

Two blondes

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The blonde driver turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."

Read More

Your boat is going to leak

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde explore Native Island. They get attacked by Natives. The Natives say, "We need your skin to make our boats, so either we kill you, or you can kill yourselves with honour." The girls of course chose to kill themselves with honour, so the Natives show them a plate of weapons.

The brunette takes a knife, "I just want every one of you to know that I love my boyfriend very much." And she falls dead.

The redhead takes a dagger, "I just want every one one of you to know that I was about to graduate." And she falls dead.

The blonde goes to the dinner table and takes a fork. She stabs herself all over once, "I just want everyone to know that your boat is going to leak!"

Read More

Hell, I can't get into your panties

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.

As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on." She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your pants," she said.

"That's right!!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!"

She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude..."

Read More

Do Not Disturb

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess; the route they were flying had a stay-over in another city.

Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day`s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn`t get out of her room.

"You can`t get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says "Do Not Disturb"!

Read More

Shut up, you're next

A Blonde begins to suspect that her boyfriend of cheating on her. One night she decides to buy a gun.

The next day she skips work and decides to pay an unexpected visit to his apartment. She lets herself in and sure enough, she goes to the bedroom and finds him in bed with a gorgeous redhead.

The blond is furious. She opens her purse to take out the gun.

As she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it."

The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."

Read More

About to die

Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.
Of course she agreed, and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Alma agrees and again they make love.
Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die."
She agreed, than afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left!

Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Paul, I have to get up in the morning AND YOU DON'T!"

Read More

Red Tomatoes

A beautiful blonde woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"

The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to...

Read More

I think I need a different attorney

LAWYER : She had three children, right?

WITNESS : Yes.

LAWYER : How many were boys?

WITNESS : None.

Lawyer : Were there any girls?

WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

Read More

Reading Email

A South American scientist from Argentina ,

after a lengthy study, has discovered that

people with very low intelligence read their

Emails with their hand on the mouse.
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late buddy

Read More

Prayers Before Eating

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

Read More

Cholesterol Free

Sardar starts shouting in a store......

where is my free gift with this oil?

Shopkeeper : there is nothing free with this

Sardar: it is written CHOLESTEROL FREE.

Read More

Hearing Problem

An old man had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The old man went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Read More

Sardar Interview

INTERVIEW : Imagine, in a closed room , how can you escape if it caught fire?

Sardar : Simple, stop imagining.

Read More

Positive Attitude

HOW TO START YOUR DAY WITH A POSITIVE ATTITUDE :

1. Open a new file in your PC .

2. Name it " Boss "

3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN

4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN

5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Boss permanently?"

6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....

7. Feel better?

Read More

Shooting

Judge: why did u shoot your wife, instead of shooting her lover?

Sardar: Your honor, it's easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week.

Read More

Bears in Family Court

The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.

So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said "No, I can't live with Papa bear, he beats me terribly."

"OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?"

"No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Papa bear does."

The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do. "Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge.

"Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago."

"You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge.

"Oh definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."

Read More

Sardar Dreams

Sardar: In my dreams rats play football every night

Doctor: take this tablet you will be OK

Saradar: Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final match

Read More

Fifty Dollars

Patient: How much do you charge for extracting a tooth?

Doctor: Fifty dollars.

Patient: Fifty dollars, for only a few second's work?

Doctor: Well, I will do it very slowly.

Read More

So, she became a man

Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic genie's lamp.

After rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, he said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you."

The first said, "I wish I were smarter."

So, she became a redhead.

The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than she is."

She became a brunette.

The third blond ordered, "I wish I were smarter than both of them!"

So, she became a man.

Read More

Magnifying Glass

Read More

Wanna hear a blonde joke

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a 6′ tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is six foot two, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player. The fella to your right is six foot five, pushing 300 and he’s a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

Read More

I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old

Rudolph had enjoyed a fairly long, successful and happy life. In recent years, however, he had experienced some incredibly painful headaches. The headaches became so frequent and so painful that ordinary pain killers had no effect on his condition. His career and his daily life were being hurt by his malady. He decided to see a doctor about his condition.
He was referred from one specialist to another, to no avail, until he finally found a doctor who solved the problem. “The good news is I can cure your headaches,” said the doctor. “The bad news is it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one heck of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove your testicles.”
Rudolph was shocked and depressed. But since the headache made it impossible for him to concentrate long enough to answer, he decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear and free from pain. He felt like a different person. He realized he could make a new beginning in life.
He walked past a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need: a new suit!” He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.” The salesman eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see…size 44 long.” Rudolph laughed, “That’s right. How did you know?” “It’s my job,” replied the salesman.
Rudolph tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Rudolph admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?” Rudolph thought for a moment and said, “Sure.” The salesman eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see…34 sleeve, 16 1/2 neck.” Rudolph was surprised. “That’s right. How did you know?” “It’s my job.”
Rudolph tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. As Rudolph adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about new shoes?” Rudolph was on a roll and said, “Sure.” The salesman eyed Rudolph’s feet and said, “Let’s see…9 1/2 wide.” Rudolph was astonished. “That’s right. How did you know?” “It’s my job.”
Rudolph tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Rudolph walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about a new hat?” Without hesitating Rudolph replied, “Sure.” The salesman eyed Rudolph’s head and said, “Let’s see…7 5/8.” Rudolph was incredulous. “That’s right. How did you know?” “It’s my job.”
The hat fit perfectly. Rudolph was feeling great. Then the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?” Rudolph thought for a moment, but then said, “Sure.” The salesman eyed Rudolph’s waist and said, “Let’s see…size 36.”
Rudolph laughed. “No, you finally got one wrong. I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.”
The salesman shook his head and said, “You can’t wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache.”

Read More

Baby Names

An unmarried woman is newly pregnant and gets into an auto accident. She suffers a head injury and lapses into a coma for nine months. When she awakens in the hospital, she panics and asks about her baby.
Her doctor is called in and gives her a mild sedative, then he sits down to answer her questions. “I’m so happy to see you recovering”, he says. The woman responds, “Thank you doctor, but what about my baby? Is everything all right?” He replies, “Yes, despite your injury, we were able to perform a fairly normal delivery procedure.”
“In fact,” he goes on, “you’ve given birth to twins – a boy and a girl.”
The woman is very happy and asks when she can see her new babies. The doctor replies, “Right away, but we’ve already sent the infants home with your brother. We’ll call and tell him you’re okay. While you were unconscious, your brother took care of everything for you. He even gave the babies names.”
At this point, the woman gets upset, “Doctor, my brother is an idiot! What name did he give my little girl?” The doctor answered that her name was Denise. “Oh, Denise, that’s not so bad. What name did he give my boy?” The doctor answered, “Denephew”.

Read More

Tribal Names

On a rainy day, an Indian from a tribe goes to his Chief.
He asks the Chief, "Chief, how do you name all the people of our tribe?"
The Chief replies,"Oh, it quite easy. When baby is born, I look at first thing I see moving in wilderness, and name baby just that....
"How so?" asks the Indian
"Well," replies the Chief,"if I see coyote running in fields, I name baby Running Coyote, if I see a bull sitting, I name baby Sitting Bull."
"Oh, I see now" says the Indian
Then the Chief turns to the Indian and says, "Well, why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

Read More

Car Crash

There once was a cop who was surveying a car crash.
There were two people that had died in the crash. When he saw a monkey come out of the wreck the cop said "Man I wish you could talk," the cop told the monkey.
"Then you could tell me what happened."
"Oh but I can," replied the monkey.
"Well what were the couple doing?" questioned the cop.
"Kissing," replied the monkey.
"They were kissing?" asked the cop.
"Yes, answered the monkey, and smoking."
"At the same time?!" cried the cop.
"Yes, and drinking," replied the monkey.
"So let me get this straight, said the cop. "They were kissing,
smoking, and drinking at the same time."
"Yep" answered the monkey.
"Then what were you doing?" asked the cop.
"Driving," answered the monkey

Read More

Smart Waiter

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.

"Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

Read More

Texan Farmer Travels

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?

The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

Read More

Doggie Style

Two guys where walking down the street when they saw two dogs humping. One said, “I wonder how much liquor it would take to get my wife to do it that way?” So they made a bet of $10 on whose wife would do it on the lease amount of liquor.

After a week, they met in a bar. “Well”, said the first guy, “How much liquor did it take?” “A pint of whiskey”, replied the other guy. The first guy said “You win, it took me a whole bottle just to get my wife out in the yard.”

Read More

Is this her first child

A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”

“Is this her first child?” the doctor queries.

“No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”

Read More

Best Beer

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Señor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.”

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King of Beers,’ a Budweiser.”

The bartender gives him one.??The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.

The guy from Molson sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Molson’s?”

The Molson president replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”

Read More

Gas

Why do women pass less gas than men?
Because women won't be quiet long enough to build up pressure!

Read More

32 Universal Truths

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid " routing option.
21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent an a ** from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my behind everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

Read More

Should you have kids?

Click on Image to Enlarge

Read More

Redneck Love Poem

Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue, and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like corn silk a-flapping in the breeze, softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May, you ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.


Yo're as satisfy'n as okry, jist a-fry'n in the pan, yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud, I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man, to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a June bug a-buzzin' overhead, you ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt, you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight like a padded gun rack, my life is complete; ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, its perfection, like the best vinyl sidin', despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank, we go together like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate, they git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses on that special day, from the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth, "diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey, these won't do, cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift, without taste nor odor, more useful than diamonds... IT'S A NEW TROLLIN' MOTOR!!

Luv, BUBBA

Read More

Redneck Wedding Night

This redneck couple get married.

They go back to the motel after the ceremony, and she changes into a sexy nightgown, lies on the bed, and says,
"Be gentle with me; I'm a virgin."

At this her new husband bursts into tears, pulls on his clothes, jumps into his pickup truck, and drives home.

He tells his father what happened.

"Son, you done right," says his pop. "If she weren't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."

Read More

They don't let you fart here

A young man who felt very guilty when he had to put his elderly father into a nursing home, went to visit him to see if he was adjusting properly. He was relieved to see how clean and nice the place was, and since his father was in the dining room having lunch he decided to join him. Part way through the meal his father started leaning to one side. Instantly an attendant appeared and straightened him up. Several minutes later, he leaned to the other side. Again, an attendant immediately ran over and helped him get upright in his seat. The rest of the meal was without incident, and over coffee the son asked the father how he felt about the nursing home.
Well son the place is nice and clean and the service is good, but there's one thing I really can't stand".
"What's that, asked the son?"
"They don't let you fart here"!

Read More

Never make a woman angry

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.

She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

" Czechoslovakia ."

Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry... There will be Hell to pay later!

Read More

20,000 leagues under the sea

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who couldn’t wait to see 20,000 leagues under the sea?
A: He said that he loved baseball, and was surprised that there were so many teams.

Read More

Is it spiral?

Read More

Why is masturbation better than intercourse for some guys and gals?

1. You know who you're dealing with.
2. You know when you've had enough. 
3. You don't have to be polite afterward

Read More

I’m sure it will be all right

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation. “What’s the matter?” he was asked.
He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.”
“She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?”
“She was talking to the damn doctor!”

Read More

Second Opinion

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no
good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
She says, 'I was in bed.'

'In bed this early, doing what?'

'Getting a second opinion!'

Read More