Love Advice from Kids

Some great tips on love and relationships by kids between the age of 5 and 10...

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." (Tom, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, cause she'll want to havevideos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE:
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deoderantare so popular." (Jan, 9)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE:
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me, I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually work for me." (Bart, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU":
"The person is thinking, Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (michelle,9)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." (Randy,8)

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Golf Advice

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.

Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

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You might be a redneck if...

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
3. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
4. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
5. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

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Ethics

A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business.
“Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material.
You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill.
But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills.
Now, here’s where the ethics come in:



should you or should you not tell your partner?”

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Fortune teller

Wandering around a fairgrounds, a man enters a fortune-teller’s tent for a laugh. “I see you’re the father of two,” says the seer, gazing into her crystal ball. “Ha! That’s what you think,” says the man scornfully. “I’m the father of three.”
“Ha!” says the fortune-teller. “That’s what you think.”

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More One Liners

My father is allergic to cotton. He has pills that he can take for it, but he can't get them out of the bottle.

My girlfriend likes to role-play. For the past five years, she's been playing my ex-girlfriend.

I got mugged by a magician. It's not funny: He took my wallet, my watch, and every silver dollar I had behind my ear.

My friend is a procrastinator. He’s afraid of Saturday the 14th.

Marry an orphan: You’ll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.

Ever wonder who the genius is who decided to put fire hydrants in all the good parking spots?

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? He stayed up all night trying to decide if there really was a dog!

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Two blondes

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The blonde driver turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."

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Your boat is going to leak

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde explore Native Island. They get attacked by Natives. The Natives say, "We need your skin to make our boats, so either we kill you, or you can kill yourselves with honour." The girls of course chose to kill themselves with honour, so the Natives show them a plate of weapons.

The brunette takes a knife, "I just want every one of you to know that I love my boyfriend very much." And she falls dead.

The redhead takes a dagger, "I just want every one one of you to know that I was about to graduate." And she falls dead.

The blonde goes to the dinner table and takes a fork. She stabs herself all over once, "I just want everyone to know that your boat is going to leak!"

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Hell, I can't get into your panties

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.

As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on." She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your pants," she said.

"That's right!!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!"

She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude..."

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Do Not Disturb

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess; the route they were flying had a stay-over in another city.

Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day`s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn`t get out of her room.

"You can`t get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says "Do Not Disturb"!

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Shut up, you're next

A Blonde begins to suspect that her boyfriend of cheating on her. One night she decides to buy a gun.

The next day she skips work and decides to pay an unexpected visit to his apartment. She lets herself in and sure enough, she goes to the bedroom and finds him in bed with a gorgeous redhead.

The blond is furious. She opens her purse to take out the gun.

As she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it."

The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."

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About to die

Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.
Of course she agreed, and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Alma agrees and again they make love.
Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die."
She agreed, than afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left!

Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Paul, I have to get up in the morning AND YOU DON'T!"

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Red Tomatoes

A beautiful blonde woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"

The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to...

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I think I need a different attorney

LAWYER : She had three children, right?

WITNESS : Yes.

LAWYER : How many were boys?

WITNESS : None.

Lawyer : Were there any girls?

WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

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Reading Email

A South American scientist from Argentina ,

after a lengthy study, has discovered that

people with very low intelligence read their

Emails with their hand on the mouse.
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Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late buddy

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Prayers Before Eating

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

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Cholesterol Free

Sardar starts shouting in a store......

where is my free gift with this oil?

Shopkeeper : there is nothing free with this

Sardar: it is written CHOLESTEROL FREE.

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Hearing Problem

An old man had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The old man went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

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Sardar Interview

INTERVIEW : Imagine, in a closed room , how can you escape if it caught fire?

Sardar : Simple, stop imagining.

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Positive Attitude

HOW TO START YOUR DAY WITH A POSITIVE ATTITUDE :

1. Open a new file in your PC .

2. Name it " Boss "

3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN

4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN

5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Boss permanently?"

6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....

7. Feel better?

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Shooting

Judge: why did u shoot your wife, instead of shooting her lover?

Sardar: Your honor, it's easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week.

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Bears in Family Court

The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.

So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said "No, I can't live with Papa bear, he beats me terribly."

"OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?"

"No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Papa bear does."

The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do. "Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge.

"Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago."

"You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge.

"Oh definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."

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Sardar Dreams

Sardar: In my dreams rats play football every night

Doctor: take this tablet you will be OK

Saradar: Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final match

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Fifty Dollars

Patient: How much do you charge for extracting a tooth?

Doctor: Fifty dollars.

Patient: Fifty dollars, for only a few second's work?

Doctor: Well, I will do it very slowly.

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So, she became a man

Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic genie's lamp.

After rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, he said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you."

The first said, "I wish I were smarter."

So, she became a redhead.

The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than she is."

She became a brunette.

The third blond ordered, "I wish I were smarter than both of them!"

So, she became a man.

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Magnifying Glass

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Wanna hear a blonde joke

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a 6′ tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is six foot two, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player. The fella to your right is six foot five, pushing 300 and he’s a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

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I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old

Rudolph had enjoyed a fairly long, successful and happy life. In recent years, however, he had experienced some incredibly painful headaches. The headaches became so frequent and so painful that ordinary pain killers had no effect on his condition. His career and his daily life were being hurt by his malady. He decided to see a doctor about his condition.
He was referred from one specialist to another, to no avail, until he finally found a doctor who solved the problem. “The good news is I can cure your headaches,” said the doctor. “The bad news is it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one heck of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove your testicles.”
Rudolph was shocked and depressed. But since the headache made it impossible for him to concentrate long enough to answer, he decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear and free from pain. He felt like a different person. He realized he could make a new beginning in life.
He walked past a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need: a new suit!” He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.” The salesman eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see…size 44 long.” Rudolph laughed, “That’s right. How did you know?” “It’s my job,” replied the salesman.
Rudolph tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Rudolph admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?” Rudolph thought for a moment and said, “Sure.” The salesman eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see…34 sleeve, 16 1/2 neck.” Rudolph was surprised. “That’s right. How did you know?” “It’s my job.”
Rudolph tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. As Rudolph adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about new shoes?” Rudolph was on a roll and said, “Sure.” The salesman eyed Rudolph’s feet and said, “Let’s see…9 1/2 wide.” Rudolph was astonished. “That’s right. How did you know?” “It’s my job.”
Rudolph tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Rudolph walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about a new hat?” Without hesitating Rudolph replied, “Sure.” The salesman eyed Rudolph’s head and said, “Let’s see…7 5/8.” Rudolph was incredulous. “That’s right. How did you know?” “It’s my job.”
The hat fit perfectly. Rudolph was feeling great. Then the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?” Rudolph thought for a moment, but then said, “Sure.” The salesman eyed Rudolph’s waist and said, “Let’s see…size 36.”
Rudolph laughed. “No, you finally got one wrong. I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.”
The salesman shook his head and said, “You can’t wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache.”

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Baby Names

An unmarried woman is newly pregnant and gets into an auto accident. She suffers a head injury and lapses into a coma for nine months. When she awakens in the hospital, she panics and asks about her baby.
Her doctor is called in and gives her a mild sedative, then he sits down to answer her questions. “I’m so happy to see you recovering”, he says. The woman responds, “Thank you doctor, but what about my baby? Is everything all right?” He replies, “Yes, despite your injury, we were able to perform a fairly normal delivery procedure.”
“In fact,” he goes on, “you’ve given birth to twins – a boy and a girl.”
The woman is very happy and asks when she can see her new babies. The doctor replies, “Right away, but we’ve already sent the infants home with your brother. We’ll call and tell him you’re okay. While you were unconscious, your brother took care of everything for you. He even gave the babies names.”
At this point, the woman gets upset, “Doctor, my brother is an idiot! What name did he give my little girl?” The doctor answered that her name was Denise. “Oh, Denise, that’s not so bad. What name did he give my boy?” The doctor answered, “Denephew”.

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Tribal Names

On a rainy day, an Indian from a tribe goes to his Chief.
He asks the Chief, "Chief, how do you name all the people of our tribe?"
The Chief replies,"Oh, it quite easy. When baby is born, I look at first thing I see moving in wilderness, and name baby just that....
"How so?" asks the Indian
"Well," replies the Chief,"if I see coyote running in fields, I name baby Running Coyote, if I see a bull sitting, I name baby Sitting Bull."
"Oh, I see now" says the Indian
Then the Chief turns to the Indian and says, "Well, why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

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Car Crash

There once was a cop who was surveying a car crash.
There were two people that had died in the crash. When he saw a monkey come out of the wreck the cop said "Man I wish you could talk," the cop told the monkey.
"Then you could tell me what happened."
"Oh but I can," replied the monkey.
"Well what were the couple doing?" questioned the cop.
"Kissing," replied the monkey.
"They were kissing?" asked the cop.
"Yes, answered the monkey, and smoking."
"At the same time?!" cried the cop.
"Yes, and drinking," replied the monkey.
"So let me get this straight, said the cop. "They were kissing,
smoking, and drinking at the same time."
"Yep" answered the monkey.
"Then what were you doing?" asked the cop.
"Driving," answered the monkey

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Smart Waiter

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.

"Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

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Texan Farmer Travels

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?

The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

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Doggie Style

Two guys where walking down the street when they saw two dogs humping. One said, “I wonder how much liquor it would take to get my wife to do it that way?” So they made a bet of $10 on whose wife would do it on the lease amount of liquor.

After a week, they met in a bar. “Well”, said the first guy, “How much liquor did it take?” “A pint of whiskey”, replied the other guy. The first guy said “You win, it took me a whole bottle just to get my wife out in the yard.”

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Is this her first child

A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”

“Is this her first child?” the doctor queries.

“No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”

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Best Beer

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Señor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.”

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King of Beers,’ a Budweiser.”

The bartender gives him one.??The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.

The guy from Molson sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Molson’s?”

The Molson president replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”

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Gas

Why do women pass less gas than men?
Because women won't be quiet long enough to build up pressure!

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32 Universal Truths

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid " routing option.
21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent an a ** from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my behind everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

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Should you have kids?

Click on Image to Enlarge

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Redneck Love Poem

Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue, and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like corn silk a-flapping in the breeze, softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May, you ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.


Yo're as satisfy'n as okry, jist a-fry'n in the pan, yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud, I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man, to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a June bug a-buzzin' overhead, you ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt, you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight like a padded gun rack, my life is complete; ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, its perfection, like the best vinyl sidin', despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank, we go together like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate, they git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses on that special day, from the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth, "diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey, these won't do, cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift, without taste nor odor, more useful than diamonds... IT'S A NEW TROLLIN' MOTOR!!

Luv, BUBBA

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Redneck Wedding Night

This redneck couple get married.

They go back to the motel after the ceremony, and she changes into a sexy nightgown, lies on the bed, and says,
"Be gentle with me; I'm a virgin."

At this her new husband bursts into tears, pulls on his clothes, jumps into his pickup truck, and drives home.

He tells his father what happened.

"Son, you done right," says his pop. "If she weren't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."

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They don't let you fart here

A young man who felt very guilty when he had to put his elderly father into a nursing home, went to visit him to see if he was adjusting properly. He was relieved to see how clean and nice the place was, and since his father was in the dining room having lunch he decided to join him. Part way through the meal his father started leaning to one side. Instantly an attendant appeared and straightened him up. Several minutes later, he leaned to the other side. Again, an attendant immediately ran over and helped him get upright in his seat. The rest of the meal was without incident, and over coffee the son asked the father how he felt about the nursing home.
Well son the place is nice and clean and the service is good, but there's one thing I really can't stand".
"What's that, asked the son?"
"They don't let you fart here"!

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Never make a woman angry

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.

She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

" Czechoslovakia ."

Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry... There will be Hell to pay later!

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20,000 leagues under the sea

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who couldn’t wait to see 20,000 leagues under the sea?
A: He said that he loved baseball, and was surprised that there were so many teams.

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Is it spiral?

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Why is masturbation better than intercourse for some guys and gals?

1. You know who you're dealing with.
2. You know when you've had enough. 
3. You don't have to be polite afterward

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I’m sure it will be all right

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation. “What’s the matter?” he was asked.
He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.”
“She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?”
“She was talking to the damn doctor!”

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Second Opinion

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no
good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
She says, 'I was in bed.'

'In bed this early, doing what?'

'Getting a second opinion!'

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Stiff At Last

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'

'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'

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There will be sex here at seven o'clock

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?'

His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'

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Should bought a hat

An elderly Florida couple, Sam and Bessie, are vacationing in Las Vegas. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, Sam buys them, and wears them back to the hotel, walking proudly.
He walks into their room and says to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”
Bessie looks him over, “Nope.”
Sam says excitedly, “Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?”
Bessie looks again, “Nope.”
Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different now?” Bessie looks up and says, “Sam, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
Furious, Sam yells, “And do you know why it’s hanging down, Bessie? It’s hanging down because it’s looking at my brand new BOOTS!”
To which Bessie replies, “Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda bought a hat.”

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Finding Wife

Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide.
One says to the other, “I’m sorry – I was looking for my wife.”"What a coincidence, so am I, and I’m getting a little desperate.”
“Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?”
“She’s beautiful, long hair, amazing face, tall, long legs, firm body, high heals and black stockings.
What’s your wife look like?”
“Never mind, I’ll help you find yours!”

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Conversation in an Irish Bar

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.
The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'
The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?'
The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'
The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin?'
The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'
The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'
The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Innocense, of course.'
The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'
The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Innocense in 1964 me self!
About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'
Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'

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Just give me my change

A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is donem the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.

"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.

"Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.

The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.

The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

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Tit for Tat

A boy and his date were parked on a back road far away from town, making out, when the girl stopped the boy. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a professional prostitute, and I charge $100 to go any farther.” The boy reluctantly paid her, and a couple of minutes later it was time to go back.

But the boy just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.

“Well, I should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a cab driver, and the fare back to town is $120.”

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Chain Saw

A West Virginian walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour.


The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The West Virginian is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY!

The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what’s wrong, and the West Virginian says, “What’s the hell is that terrible noise?”

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Wife's Cat

A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.


The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”
“Yes”, the wife answers, “why do you ask?”
Frustrated, the man answered, “Put the little bastard on the phone, I’m lost and need directions.”

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Urge and Camel

Once a Col. who was overseeing a division stationed in a desert, visits them.
He asks the Captain to show all the tents. Captain takes through the Col. to all the tents and they reach the last tent and Capt. hesitates to open.
When Col. insisted, he opens the tent where there are two Camels lying down.
Capt. tells in a low voice to Col. "Sir, when our soldiers get the urge they use these camels". Col. walks off .
 During the night, an SOS comes for Col. but he is found no where.
Having searched everywhere, Capt. goes to the last tent and opens to see the Col. in a compromising position with Camel.
Capt. shockingly asks Col. " Sir, what are you doing?". Col. replies, "Capt. you only said that your soldiers would use the camel when they get an urge. I got an urge and thought of using the camel".
Capt. says" Col. what I meant was, when my soldiers get the urge, they use the camel to go to the nearest town to visit brothels".!!!!

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Funny Answers From Real Students

Here are some responses to job related and general knowledge questions from real college students that are so funny that they seem simply hilarious:

• A person should bathe once in summer but not so often in winter. 
• Chemical Formula of Water has two gins - Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin while Hydrogin is gin and water.
• Definition of Census taker - A man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
• Definition of Syntax - Tax paid by the sinners at the church.
• Definition of Virgin Forest - It is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot. 
• Future tense of 'I give' - 'I take'. 
• Houses in France are generally made up of Plaster of Paris. 
• Iron was discovered because someone smelt it. 
• One of the main causes of dust is janitors. 
• Parts of Speech - Lungs and air. 
• Spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom. 
• The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
• The word 'trousers' is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom. 
• What is H2O and CO2? - H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water. 
• What the residents of Moscow are called? - Mosquitoes.

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I need glasses

Patient: Doctor doctor, I think I need glasses.

Waiter: You certainly do, you've just walked into a fast food joint!!

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The Final Predcition

A low cost budget film crew was shooting on an Indian Reservoir beach about natural psychic abilities of ancient American Indians.

Suddenly an Indian shows up, walks to the Director and says, “Tomorrow wind Storm, No shooting please. “ Sure enough a storm came and Director saved lots of money.

A few days later, again shooting preparedness was made and the Indian shows up.

“Tomorrow hurricane, no shooting please.” Sure enough a hurricane came and Director saved the money.

The amazing accurate predictive ability of the Indian on snow, rain, ice, blizzard, lightning, thunderstorm, was financially benefiting the Director that he got fond of him. Now he was reaching towards the climax of the important shooting and waiting for the Indian to come and predict the weather.

The Indian was no where to be found. So he personally went looking for him and found him in a stinking smoking chimney hut. He went inside, bowed to him in a manners of their ancient customs, praised him and prayed that he bless him with the prediction for tomorrow’s finale.

The Indian says, “Tomorrow no prediction. My Radio broke down please.”

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Super Man

What is difference between man and Superman?

Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the trouser.

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Doctor

A doctor is the only man who can tell a woman to take off all his clothes and then send his husband a bill for it.

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The Dark Side Of Women

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. He will now be your career!'

The woman felt so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'

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Programmer and A Frog joke

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

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What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend

what's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

About 45lbs

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Children's Views on Love

HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?

"When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don't get up for at least an hour." (Wendy, age 8)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too." (Andrew, age 6)

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Mae, age 7)

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Manuel, age 8)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (John, age 9)

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Glenn, age 7)

ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Anita C., age 8)

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Brian, age 7)

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, age 9)

REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE

"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too." (Greg, age 8)

HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?

"Mooshy ... like puppy dogs ... except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much." (Arnold, age 10)

"All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark." (Sherm, age 8)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Gavin, age 8)

"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing." (John, age 9)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on television." (Jill, age 6)

"Love is foolish ... but I still might try it sometime." (Floyd, age 9)

"Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place ... We were behind a tree." (Carey, age 7)

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Dave, age 8)

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, age 10)

PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD LOVER

"Sensitivity don't hurt." (Robbie, age 8)

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, age 8)

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, age 6)

"Shake your hips and hope for the best." (Camille, age 9)

"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs ... and don't worry if their parents are right there." (Manuel, age 8)

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, age 9)

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, age 9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." (Bobby, age 9)

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." (Bart, age 9)

"Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up." (Sarah)

"See if the man has lipstick on his face." (Sandra, age 7)

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are --- on fire." (Christine, age 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"

"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, age 9)

"Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat." (Dick, age 7)

HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED?

"I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses." (Gina, age 8)

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS

"You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls." (Julia, age 7)

"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." (Brian, age 7)

"It might help to watch soap operas all day." (Carin, age 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"When they're rich." (Pam, age 7)

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you ... That's why I stopped doing it." (Tammy, age 7)

"If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission." (Roger, age 6)

"I look at kissing like this: Kissing is fine if you like it, but it's a free country and nobody should be forced to do it." (Dave, age 8)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Dick, age 7)

"Don't forget your wife's name ... That will mess up the love."

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What’s your name?

A guy walked into a pub and immediately noticed a young lady at the bar on her own. After a couple of drinks, he decided to offer her a drink and make small talk.
“What’s your name?” he asked.
“Carmen,” she replied.
“That’s a nice name,” he said. “Did your mother or father name you that?”
“Neither,” she said. “I changed my name when I was 18 from Sharon to Carmen.”
“Why did you do that?” he asked.
“Well,” she explained, “I like men and I like cars, so that is how I got my name. What’s your name?”
“Beerjugs,” the man replied.

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Credit Card

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

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How to Lose Weight?

A fat lady: (To a health expert) Give me some advice that can reduce my fatness.
Health expert: Okay. You must move your head to the right and the left at a particular time.
Fat lady: At which particular time?
Health expert: Whenever anybody asks you to eat.

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Atheist Holy Day - April Fool's Day

/* Snopes says this is not a true story... but it's still funny! Have a great day! */

In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews, and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood, objecting to the ruling and saying, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter, and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur, and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."

The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."

The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fool's Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned."

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NASA

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.















The Russians used a pencil.

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Jurassic Park

Sardarji goes to the see Jurassic Park and when the Dinosaurs start approaching he is cowering in his seat.

His friend asks him "What Sardarji? Are you afraid of the cinema?"

Sardarji replies "I am an intelligent man, I know it is a movie, but does that animal know?"

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The World Funniest Ads

Believe it or not, these ads actually found their way into newspapers all over the world:

Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition.

$1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.

For sale, Hope Chest, brand new, half off, long story.

Help wanted, adult or mature teenager to baby-sit. One dollar an hour.

Lost: small brown poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

Four-posted bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Christmas sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to- find person.

Wanted, man to take care of cows that does not smoke or drink.

Three-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 -- $9 per hour.

Our sofa seats the whole mob and it’s made of 100% Italian leather.

Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty. Like New. Slight urine smell.

Nordic Track $300 hardly used, call Chubby.

Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer $300.

Open house body shapers toning salon free coffee and donuts

Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat... been out while. Better be reward.

Exercise equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175.

ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.

Free Yorkshire Terrier: 8 years old. Hateful little dog.

Free puppies: ½ cocker spaniel, ½ sneaky neighbor’s dog.

Free puppies: part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.

German Shepherd, 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.

Snow Blower for sale…only used on snowy days.

Bill’s Septic Cleaning: “We Haul American-Made Products."

Cows, calves never bred…also 1 gay bull for sale.

Nice Parachute – Never opened. Used once.

Hummels – Largest selection ever. "If it’s in stock, then we have it!"

1 man, 7 women hot tub. $850/offer.

Shakespeare’s Pizza. Free chopsticks.

Harrisburg Postal Employee Gun Club.

Tickle-Me-Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 Ford Mustang, 5L, Auto, Excellent condition $6800.

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Too many fires

A new firefighter was being trained by an old fire chief.
"How would you react if a sudden fire flared up on the front of the building?" asked the fire chief.
"Break out a fire hose and start spraying it, chief." answered the new firefighter.
"How would you react if another fire flared up in the back of the building?" asked the fire chief.
"Break out another fire hose and start spraying it, chief." answered the new firefighter.
"And if another huge fire flared up in the basement, how would you react?" asked the fire chief.
"Break out another fire hose." answered the new firefighter.
"Now wait a minute, son," said the fire chief. "Where are all these fire hoses coming from?"
The new firefighter answered, "The same place where all of the fires are coming from, chief."

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Yearly Pass

There is a teacher speaking in front of a group of boy college freshmen about the college rules. The teacher starts talking about the dorm rooms. "If you get caught in a girls dorm room after nine o'clock, you will get a fifty dollar fine. If you get caught twice, you get a hundred dollar fine. If you get caught three times, you get a two hundred-fifty dollar fine and suspension for a week at the least." So a boy raises his hand and asks, "How much for a yearly pass?"

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Martian Sex

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars. Here, they meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, laptop computers, how do they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you two do it?" asks Maureen.
"Pretty much the way you do." the Martian responds.
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap for the night and experience one another's styles!
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the male strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie...about half an inch long and a quarter inch think.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen!
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his unit grows until it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow."
"No problem,"he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his unit grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman!
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made very mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go on their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful! How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, "all I got was a headache...she kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears!"

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Cow's Advice

A man's car stalled on a country road.

When he got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow.

Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. He told the farmer his story.

"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer.

"Yes, yes," the man replied.

"Oh! I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't know a thing about cars."

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Mugged by a gang of snails

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails.
A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied
“I don’t know, it all happened so fast.”

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Lion Tamer

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous woman about the same age.
The circus owner tells them, “I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment – a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?”
The girl says, “I’ll go first.” She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her, gently puts his paws on her shoulders, and kisses her cheek. Then he backs away and lays down.
The circus owner’s mouth is on the floor. He remarks, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.” He then turns to the young man and asks, “Can you top that?”
“No problem,” replies the young man, “just get that lion out of the way.”

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Noise in the Engine

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

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The stranded Irishman

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"

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Blood transfusions

American Medical Association researchers have found that

Patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

Just thought you'd like to know...

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The Blind Man

A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!" The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?" The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!" The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know you're upside down?"

"Because the shit is running down my back!"

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The Surgeon and The Mechanic

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted a famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage," Hello Doctor!! Please come over here for a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind them, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work like a new one. So how come you get the big money, when we're doing basically the same work? "

The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic.....









"Try to do it when the engine is running ".

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An American, a Scot and a Canuk

An American, a Scot and a Canuk were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $100, we could return to the earth."

He continued, " So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $100, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."

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Great trade

A Canadian bloke is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.

His friend Randy stops him and asks, "Hey Dave! Whatcha got that case of beer for?"

"Well, I got it for my wife, you see?" answers Dave.

"Wow," exclaims Randy, "Great trade."

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Two Irish in a Bar

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '65."
"This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '65, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?," he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

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Christ was Irish

How is it that we know Christ was Irish?
Well, he was 33, still lived at home with his Mother, whom he thought was still a virgin and she thought he was the son of God.

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I’m going to become a hooker

A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, “I’m going to become a hooker. I can make $400 for what I give you for free.”
“I’m coming with you,” the man replies. “I want to see you live on $800 a year.”

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Retirement Sex

Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.'

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Barack Obama TV News Acronyms

NBC: New Barack Channel

ABC: Another Barack Channel

MSNBC: My Seriously New Barack Channel

CBS: Continuous Barack Show

FOX: Flagrant Obama Xenophobes

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Life's Saving

Patient: I have spent 80% of my life's savings on doctors.
Doctor : Why didn't you come to me earlier?

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Do you have a street name?

A young man called directory assistance. “Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona.”
“There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix,” the operator replied. “Do you have a street name?”
The young man hesitated, and then said, “Well, most people call me Ice Man.”

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Small Income

Darling,” said the swooning man to his new bride. “Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my small income?”
“Of course, dearest, no trouble,” she said. “But what will you live on?”

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Hammering

Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail she was hammering?
A: The noise gave her a headache!

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What is the axis of the earth?

Teacher: What is the axis of the earth?

Student: The axis of the earth is an imaginary line which passes from one pole to the other, and on which the earth revolves.

Teacher: Very good. Now, could you hang clothes on that line?

Student: Yes, Sir.

Teacher: Indeed, and what sort of clothes?

Student: Imaginary clothes, Sir.

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Golden wedding anniversary

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

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Pregnant Wife and Desperate Husband

Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while now.

Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy curled up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire. Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out a fifty dollar bill, and gives it to him. "Awww, my honey is so depressed. Here, take this and go to Katie next door, she will give you some sex tonight, and remember that this happens only once. OK? Don't think about it again."

The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly.

A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife and says with much disappointment: "Katie said this is not enough, she wants sixty."

The wife's face slowly turns red with anger, "Damn that bitch. When she was pregnant and her husband came over here, I only charged him fifty for some sex!"

She thinks to herself, "And that son of a bitch is the one that knocked me up."

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Priceless Answer

My wife & I were expecting our first child while we were stationed in Corpus Christi, TX. We were at our first OB/GYN exam with an old crusty doctor that was probably delivering babies in the Alamo. Nice guy, but seen it all, heard it all a million times.

I was stuttering around searching for the right words to ask when we "should stop....you know.....having s*x?"
The Doc's answer was priceless, "Sonny, as long as you don't get in my way in the delivery room, I don't care!"

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What He Says, What He Means

"It's a guy thing."
Really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh-huh." "Sure, honey." "Yes, dear."
Really means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means: "I have no idea how it works."

"We're going to be late."
Really means: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means: "Are you still talking?"

"You look terrific."
Really means: "Please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

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Close your Eyes

The passenger sat in the backseat, clutching the door handle and wondering if she could expect to survive the trip.

The cabdriver sped through the crowded streets,weaving in and out of traffic. The passenger watched as one pedestrian after another ran to avoid being run down by her lunatic driver.

She looked ahead and saw a truck double-parked on the narrow street,but not only did the taxi driver fail to slow down, he actually accelerated as he approached the truck.

He slipped his cab through the available space with an inch or two to spare on either side. "Driver!" the passenger screamed,"Are you trying to get us both killed?"

"Relax,lady," he said, "just do what I do. Close your eyes."

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Birth control pills

The man asked the doctor for birth control pills, and the doctor asked why he would need birth control. “To help me sleep better.” Birth control pills don’t help with insomnia, the doctor explained. “Yes they do,” the man insisted, “I put them in my daughter’s drink before she goes out and I sleep much better.”

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Whats Wrong

Brad, a local beachgoer, couldn’t even get a second look from any of the girls on the beach. So he headed over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard had any advice for him.

“Dude, it’s obvious,” said the lifeguard. “You’re wearing those gnarly old swimming trunks that make you look like an old geezer. They’re years outta style. Your best bet is to get yourself a Speedo—say, two sizes too small—and drop a potato inside it. You’ll have all the babes you can handle.”

The following weekend, Brad hits the beach with his brand-spanking-new tight Speedo and his potato, and it’s not long before he approaches the lifeguard tower once more.

“For cryin’ out loud,” said Brad, “it’s worse than before! Everyone on the beach acts disgusted as I walk by—covering their faces, turning away, laughing! What’s wrong now?”

“Jeez, Brad!” said the lifeguard, “The potato goes in front!”

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Prince Frog

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Latest BMW that need grass as fuel

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Female Driver

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Chicken Dad

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Cheap Helmets

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Humorous statements made by airline flight crew!

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments. "

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately. "

"Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I really don't know."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

Pilot - "Folks, if you were with us last week, we never got around to mentioning that it was National Procrastination day. If you get a chance this week, please try to celebrate it. If you can't get to it, then maybe try to do it at the weekend, but no big rush. Have a nice day."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched asthey leave the aircraft.

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA. .!"

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight!"

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Just name the fee

When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table.

Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved the man's life.

As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services.

"Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully.

"Okay," replied the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"

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George W. Bush Thinks Haitians Have Cooties

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Litte Timmy and His Dad

One day Little Timmy caught his mom and dad having sex.
Little Timmy asks his dad "Can I join you?"
His dad asks "Can your dick touch your ass?"
Timmy replies "No."
"Then no." Dad replies.
Later on he catches his dad looking at porn.
Timmy asks "Can I look with you Daddy?"
His dad asks again "Can your dick touch your ass?"
"No."
"Then no."
Later that night Little Timmy is eating cookies.
His dad walks into the kitchen and asks "Can I have a cookie?"
Timmy asks "Can your dick touch your ass?"
His dad replies "Yes."
"Then go fuck yourself these cookies are mine!"

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Farmer and Pig

Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road. Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer.

They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed like hours. When the chauffeur came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his driver had been in there so long.

"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses." explained the driver.

"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.

The chauffeur replied, "I told him I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig."

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Heaven and Hell Comparison

In Heaven:
1. The cooks are French,
2. The policemen are English,
3. The mechanics are German,
4. The taxi drivers are Italian,
5. The bankers are Swiss.

In Hell:
1. The cooks are English,
2. The policemen are German,
3. The mechanics are French,
4. The taxi drivers are Swiss,
5. The bankers are Italian.

===============================================

In Computer Heaven:
1. The management is from Intel,
2. The design and construction is done by Apple,
3. The marketing is done by Microsoft,
4. IBM provides the support,
5. Gateway determines the pricing.

In Computer Hell:
1. The management is from Apple,
2. Microsoft does design and construction,
3. IBM handles the marketing,
4. The support is from Gateway,
5. Intel sets the price.

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Pizza Guy Tip

A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can’t believe this guy would just stand around on the job.
The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, “What are you doing here?”
“I’m just waiting to get paid,” responds the man.
Furious, the CEO asks “How much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young fellow replies, “I make about $300 a week. Why?”
The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, “Here’s four weeks’ pay, now get out and don’t come back.”
The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what they’ve learned from that exchange?”
From across the room comes a voice, “Yeah, I learned I should work as a pizza guy. they get HUGE tips!”

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Moses and Bush

Moses was walking down the street when he bumped into George W. Bush. “Hello,” Bush said. “Nice weather we’re having, huh?” Moses took one look at the President, turned, and ran in the other direction. The next day Moses was walking down the same street and there was Bush. Again he tried to initiate a conversation. Again Moses turned and ran away.
Bush was tired of this bizarre treatment, so the next time Moses ran away from him, Bush followed. When he caught up, he asked Moses what was wrong.
Moses said, “The last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years in the desert.”

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Sex Toy Shop

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk:
"Ddddooo youuuu hhhave dddddildosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models."
The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?"
The clerk responds, "Yes we do".
"Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee hhhhowwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"

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How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb

One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE? NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...

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Outhouse Spring Cleaning

Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living out on a farm up in the hills of Northern New York.
Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.
Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate."
So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him, "Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it."
The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole..."
Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.
He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.
All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse!
Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air.
BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite ... spreading poop all over the farm.
WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.....
Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you all right??!!"
As she pulls up her panties she says...
"Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen.

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First day with Hook

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”
“What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine!”
“What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
“Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.” “Well, OK —
but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”
“We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really.”
“What about that eye patch?”
“Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of gulls flew over. I looked up and one of them dropped shit right in my eye!”
“You’re kidding!” said the bartender, “You can’t lose an eye just from some bird shit”
It was my first day with the hook!” recalled the pirate.

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Blonde on the sun

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, ‘We were the first in space!”
The American said, “We were the first on the moon!”
The Blonde said, “So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!”
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. “You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!” said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied,
“We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!”

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How I Became Millionaire

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last 5p.
“I invested that 5p in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for 10p.

“The next morning, I invested that 10p in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20p. I continued this system for a while, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of £14.00.”
“And that’s how you built an empire?” the boy asked.

“Heavens, no!” the man replied. “Then my wife’s father died and left us two million pounds.

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First blow job

A young man walks into a bar and tell the bartender to setup 13 shots of scotch which the bartender does. The young guy starts downing shot after shot without fail.
The bartender asks "What are you celebrating?"he asks.
The guy says "I just had my first blow job"
The bartender says
"Congratulations! Have one on the house!
"The young man replies "No Thanks! he says. If 13 shots don't get the taste outta my mouth, another one won't matter".

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Strange Trees

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