Happy New Year 2011

Wish you All a Very
now stop staring and get back to work !!!!!

Blonde Yearly Diary

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!

What a year!!

I'm a chicken farmer

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc.
and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a whore."
The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman, "Ok, I'm a prostitute."
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."

She will have to pay

A policeman sends his wife and kid to a resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel.

As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love to his wife and gave her "the look".

Whispering under her breath, the wife says "No darling, we can't do it here, our kid is watching!"

Husband replies, "You're right, lets go to the beach."

After a while they make their way to the beach, they start to make love on an empty beach.

All of a sudden, a policeman walks up to them. "Put your cloths on immediately, shame on you, you can't do that in public!"

Embarrassed, the husband admits "You are right, but I had a moment of weakness. We hadn't seen each other for an entire week. Now, I'm a policeman too, and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me."

The cop thought for a second and said "Don't worry... you are a colleague and it is your first time. But this is the third time I caught this b**ch making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay."

20 things the perfect girl might say

  1. I'll swallow it all... I love the taste.
  2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
  3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
  4. Shouldn't you be down the pub with your mates?
  5. That fart was great! Do another one!
  6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes in the house.
  7. You're so sexy with a hangover.
  8. I'd rather go and play Virtual Fighter than go shopping.
  9. Let's start subscribing to Penthouse.
  10. Would you like to see a video of me going down on my girlfriend?
  11. Just for a change can we try anal sex tonight?
  12. I really like football, can you take me to a game.
  13. You'd better drive, you're far safer than I am, and besides everyone knows women can't drive.
  14. Actually we shouldn't have been given the vote, we're better off in the kitchen.
  15. I think a big motorbike is a good idea.
  16. I don't care if my bum looks big in this, let's just go and get pissed.
  17. We haven't gone out with your mates for a while, shall we all go to Stringfellows.
  18. Why can't you let your hair down and have a few vodka chasers with me.
  19. I know you're already late for work, but can I gag on it just one more time.
  20. Aim where you like, it's really good for my skin.

They're Carol's

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at
the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said,
"You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "They're Carol's".

A Brilliant Idea

A woman goes to the doctor, and she’s beaten black and blue.

Doctor: “What happened?”

Woman, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my boyfriend comes home drunk he knocks lumps out of me."

Doctor, "I think I might have a cure for that. When your boyfriend comes home drunk, just take a mug of tea and start swishing it around in your mouth but don't swallow it. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to his bed."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor no sign of bruising whatsoever.

Woman, "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my boyfriend came home drunk, I swished with the tea. I just swished and swished, like washing machine and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor, "See how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

Difference Between Dogs and Cats

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me ... they must be gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me ... I must be a god!

Brother’s card

A guy went out hunting. He had all the gear, the jacket, the boots and the double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, shooting him right through the penis. Obviously, he had to see a doctor.

When he woke up from surgery, he found that the doctor had done a marvelous job repairing it. As he got ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card.

"This is my brother’s card. I’ll make an appointment for you to see him."

The guy says, "Is your brother a doctor?"

"No," Doc replies, "he plays the flute. He’ll show you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your eye."

Love Marriage v/s Arranged marriages

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar and drinking. The Indian man said to the American, 'You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once.' We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems.'

The American said, talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story. I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step - daughter and married her, so my father became my son - in - law and I became my father's father - in - law.

Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle.

Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son, my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.. And you say you have family problems..

The Indian fainted and caught the next flight to Mumbai....

Men are never satisfied

A bloke goes to the doctor and says, "I got this sex problem, doc". "Well", says the quack, "Tell me about your average day". "Well, it all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me up about 3:00 am for nookie and then again about 5 o'clock so we can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work".
"Oh I see", said the doc. "No, hang on", said the man,"...you see, when I get on the train to work I meet this girl every day and we get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way there".
"Oh....now I see", said the quack. "No you don't", said our hero. "When I get to work my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom".
"Oh....now I see", said the quack. "No no no", he said. "When I go to lunch I meet this dinner lady I'm very fond of and we nip out the back for a quickie".
"Now I understand", said the patient doctor. "No, hang on", said the bloke. "When I get back to work in the afternoon my boss, a very demanding lady I might add, has to have me or she says she'll give me the sack".
Ahh....", said the doctor, "now I see..". "No, there's more", said our man, "when I get home my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex afterwards".

"What's your problem?". asked the doc. "Well...", said our hero, "it hurts when I masturbate"

18 Things Guys Should Know... (by Girls)

  1. We fart. And we think it's ****ing hilarious
  2. Girls poop. sorry boys. i know in your world we don't, but we're not the perfect little girls you want us to be
  3. We can burp with the best of you. We just choose to keep it between us.
  4. We probably masturbate more than you.
  5. We love touching eachother's boobs just for the hell of it. It's funny.
  6. Kissing eachother isn't a big deal. It's kind of nice.
  7. We don't always like to give head, so when you get it, don't put your hands on the back of our heads and hold down. We hate that.
  8. Sometimes we go a couple of weeks without shaving...anything.
  9. It's fun to skip sex, since most times we fake it anyway. Be a man and go down.
  10. Watching porn doesn't really do it. reading it is what gets us hot.
  11. We think lesbian porn is funny.
  12. That whole head shaking thing when you go down on us? What the **** is that? don't do it. you're just wasting your time .. and ours.
  13. The fingers don't always have to go in. Stay on the outside a bit. Trust me, it's better.
  14. Not all girls are crazy about gifts. Just being with you is awesome.
  15. We like hanging out with the guys. Girls suck.
  16. Right, the reason we hate eachother so much? GIRLS ARE BITCHES.
  17. DO NOT EVER EVER EVER ask us if we are pmsing just because we seem to be in a bad mood. It's not the greatest idea.
  18. Suck it up, we're really horny during our periods .. hop in the shower, because you'll never get it as much as then

25 things women should know about men.........

  1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
  2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
  3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
  4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
  5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
  6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
  7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
  8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
  9. All men hate to hear, "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
  10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
  11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
  12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
  13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
  14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
  15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, you should be worried about him.
  16. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
  17. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
  18. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
  19. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie "The Way We Were" twice, voluntarily.
  20. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
  21. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget. He didn't lose your number. He didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
  22. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you; I want to marry you; I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave so fast, they leave skid marks.
  23. Men are self confident because they grow up identifying with super heroes. Women have bad self images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
  24. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. With male menopause, you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
  25. Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.

Shaking Hands

Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook.
The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face."

The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."

The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"

The Idiot's Guide To Internet Success!

Let's begin (Please take note of the sarcasm in these):

Q: How long will it take me to get insanely rich?

A: Depends on you. Probably two weeks. Some people take as long as a month.

Q: Does it take hard work or long hours to get insanely rich?

A: No. This is the Internet.

Q: Can just anybody get insanely rich?

A: Yes. This is the Internet.

Q: How do I proceed?

A: As you're surfing around the net you'll see banners and links that say things like "Make Fourteen Million Dollars in Ninety Days, Click Here to See How!" Simply click the link to get started.

Q: It won't really take ninety days though, will it?

A: Of course not. They just say that so you'll be pleasantly surprised and so it doesn't sound like hype.

Q: Okay, I've found one that says "Retire to Your Own Caribbean Isle in One Month!" Is that good?

A: Perfect.

Q: What does MLM mean?

A: Nobody really knows. Morons Lose Money has been snidely suggested by the little-brains.

Q: I signed up and now I sell low phone rates. They say it's the easiest thing to sell because everyone uses a phone. And since it's MLM, by the time my third level is operating I'll be making $345,915.45 per week.

A: Conservatively.

Q: They say the first step is to get my mother into the program. Why is my sponsor happy that Mom has Alzheimers?

A: Your sponsor is a shrewd business person. People with any sort of memory disorder make the best targ... uh, clients. You can switch your mother's long distance carrier for her, and then start calling the other members of her support group.

Q: That sounds a little fishy.

A: The ends justify the means. You are offering people substantial savings on long distance. It's for their own good.

Q: How else can I get new business?

A: Spam. Spam. Spam.

Q: I thought spam was bad.

A: No, spam is good. Anyone who says it's bad is just jealous because their brains are too small.

Q: But won't I lose my web host and ISP?

A: In the get-rich-quick business, it's important to cultivate a zen-like non-attachment to service providers.

Q: What else can I do to promote my new business?

A: Here's a list of suggestions:

--Sign up with a free website provider and fill your site with zany colors and flashy banners.

--Join every free banner exchange.

--Get your own free-for-all links page.

--Join every opt-in email list with the word Money, Rich or Lackwit in the title.

--Buy software that submits your site URL to the 15,000 most important search engines. --Buy software that submits your ad to the 50,000 most-read free classified sites.

--Hire a bulk emailer.

--Sponsor a golf tournament.

Q: Okay, I've done all that and I'm still not rich. I haven't even driven my hit counter to its knees yet. What am I doing wrong?

A: It's possible that you're not very bright. Consult one of your friends who has retired on their Internet earnings.

Q: What if I don't have any friends who have retired on their Internet earnings?

A: Then contact someone on the Internet who has retired on their Internet earnings.

Q: What if I've never heard of anyone retiring from their Internet earnings?

A: Well, then maybe you can be the first.

Blowjob Survey

5000 men surveyed were asked why they like bl*wjobs:

1% liked the warmth
2 % liked the sensation
3 % liked the eroticism
94 % just liked the peace and quiet

Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school!

I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.

What balls do you have leaving me a f**king yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a pair of socks! What the f**k were you thinking, you fat son of a b*tch, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole f**king year to come out with some sh*t like this under the tree. As if you hadn't f**ked me enough,you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house.

Please don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat a*s down my chimney next year. I'll f**k you up! I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to WALK back to the f**king North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that f**king bike.

F**K YOU SANTA! Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT SOB.

Little Johnny

42 Mistakes Girls Make

1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can't just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out.

2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partners mouth while you get off is the hot. It depends on the situation.

3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don't, it's your own fault when he's snoozing and you're all wound up.

4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. It makes men pass out. It's a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it's not his fault.

5. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn't unreasonable, but when it's time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.

6. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that's nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you're not willing to do that, don't expect him to switch for you.

7. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that Cosmo forces down our throats, sex is NOT just about us. Get over it.

8. Using random magazines as a sex bible. I dont know who comes up with half that shit, but I'm pretty sure they need counseling.

9. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he's pushing, skippy? Because you aren't doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he's given you. Pay attention to the signals that he's sending you.

10. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.

11. Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He's about to get some pussy. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off. If it concerns you so much, undress him yourself.

12. Not shaving your legs. Im pretty bad at this myself. But if you want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor.

13. Allowing your crotch to resemble the amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don't want to go bare. Thats fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can't shave, I feel for you. But for the love of Christ, trim that shit if you want him to spend any time down there.

14. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. That's as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.

15. Withholding oral sex just because you're ragging. He didn't do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he's hormonal, I suggest you get some kneepads.

16. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you're having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like "I stubbed my toe" "I ran up the steps" or "I was putting up drywall".

17. Leaving condoms up to him. If you're sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it's just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn't be having sex anyway. Go back to Jr High.

18. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn't be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to come, its his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy.

19. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun.

20. Dissing quickies because it's not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. Theres an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.

21. Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn't acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say no like it's an invitation, don't look surprised when he "accidentally" sticks his cock in your butt.

22. Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn't always easy. Help a brother out.

23. Undressing in the dark. If youre shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either.

24. Refusing to get on top. Theres no reason men should have to do all the work.

25. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn't suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.

26. Expecting him to do all the touching when you're riding him. It's your body, you're used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier.

27. Being too afraid to guide your partner's hand when hes touching you. Don't like the way he's doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how you like it.

28. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn't. Its your choice to stop, but don't look all fucking surprised when he's confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?

29. Refusing to let him take control. So your a feminist. Big fucking deal. Letting him call the shots doesn't make you any less of one.  

30. Refusing to take control. Its ok to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It's not his responsibility to start things all the time.

31. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his penis.

32. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don't ignore them.

33. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn't want to deal with the mess.

34. Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty fuck you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view.

35. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I'd hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory.

36. Refusing to try things in the name of "making love". You're not making anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange faces and weird noises. Stop romanticizing it.

37. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it's hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. It's how you deal with it that really matters.

38. Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a 3 some. Its the American dream. (I know my ex is reading this right now, so a quick interjection. One request for a 3 some is ok. Every 5 minutes, not so much. Know the difference).

39. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water.

40. Nails. Its one thing tracing them up and down your partners back. Its another when you snag the goods with a claw.

41. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You're having sex. That will happen. Thats the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and cant jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.

42. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he's the best you've had, even if he isn't.

Wedding in Heaven

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Geez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?

The Human Body

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's private area is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's....

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain..

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

Which way?

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night waiting for her date. She wanted to make sure everything was perfect.
As she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.
Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!"
The waiter looks at her dryly and says, "Sure, madam, which way is it headed?"

Some More of Rajinikanth Jokes







THUS....................... THE GOOGLE WAS BORN!!!!







* THE PYRAMIDS IN EGYPT ARE ACTUALLY.................................


....................... TO PLAY CARROM!!!!!!



Devil vs Politician

Three men : a philosopher, a mathematician and a politician, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the Pearly Gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don`t know or cannot answer, then you`re worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you`ll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates` teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared.The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.

"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

Politician then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat" The Devil did just that. Politician then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right." Wrong," said politician, "it`s from my asshole."

Politician went to Heaven!

I'm never drinking again

I'm never drinking again.
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
NEVER EVER again!!

10 Rules For Getting Guaranteed Promotion Without Any Hard Work

1. Never walk without a document in your hands
People with documents in their hand look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they’re heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy
Any time you use a computer, it looks like “work” to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they’re not bad either. When you get caught by your boss – and you *will* get caught — your best defense is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

3. Messy desk
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we’re not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year’s work looks the same as today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4. Voice Mail
Never answers your phone if you have voice mail. People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing – they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That’s no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they’re not there – it looks like you’re hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious weasel.

5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed
According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

6. Leave the Office Late
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss’ room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours
(e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.

7. Creative Sighing for Effect
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.

8. Stacking Strategy
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).

9. Build Vocabulary
Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don’t have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

DON’T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!

25 Signs You Have Grown Old

  1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
  2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
  3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
  4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
  5. You hear your favourite song on an elevator.
  6. You watch the Weather Channel.
  7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
  8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
  9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
  10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
  11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
  12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
  13. Your car insurance goes down and! our car payments go up.
  14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
  15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
  16. You take naps from noon to 6 PM!
  17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
  18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM! would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
  19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
  20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
  21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
  22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
  23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
  24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
  25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.

Types of Girls you see in the Restroom

SELFISH GIRL: Enters alone and locks the door, saying to the girls following that she will be out in a minute. Leisurely pees. Remarks, adjusts clothes and poses before mirror keeping others squirming outside for an hour.

TIMID GIRL: Turns on faucet full force. Backs up to toilet, raises dress and squats quickly. Listens intently to learn if sound other than faucet can be heard.

CONCEITED GIRL: Approaches toilet with undulating movements. Raises dress by finger tips. Expression while peeing indicates such a lovely creature should not be compelled to attend to such lowly duties. Farts silently and disdainfully.

HARDY GIRL: Raises dress with a whoop. Scuttles across the floor beating other occupant to toilet. Squats with great force, rattling windows and causing breasts to bob up and down, hums lively tune, peeing in squirts to keep time, farts loudly and with great glee.

DRUNKEN GIRL: Wobbles to toilet. After several attempts manages to raise dress. Squats on toilet with shrieks of laughter. Pees for a while, singing happy songs, suddenly starts to sob broken heartedly as she realizes that she forgot to pull down her panties. Continues peeing and sobbing.

SLOPPY GIRL: Slip drops into toilet while squatting, never uses toilet paper. Drags her business across the seat, getting seat wet. Never flushes toilet. Emerges with back of skirt caught in her panties.

WORRIED GIRL: Squats thoughtfully, counting days overdue on fingers. Uses toilet paper and examines it carefully and hopefully. Peers into toilet before flushing, resolving never to go to bed drunk again.

THE I DON'T CARE GIRL: Just squats and fires away.

STUBBORN GIRL: Believes all public places are contaminated. Stands three feet in front of toilet, backs up, takes careful aim and fires away, always misses, but will try again.

Medical Check-ups

The Cow, The Ant and the Old Fart

A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"
The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"

Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.

Fart Game

The little boy went over to the little girls house next door. Their parents were at work. They played with her toys for a while and became bored.

The little boy turned to the girl and said, "I know a game we can play." So they went in the kitchen. The little boy got two plates out of the cabinet and some flour. The little boy put a cup of flour on each plate. The little boy said, "Now, what we do is squat over our plate and fart. Whoever blows up the biggest puff of flour wins." The little girl said, "You go first".

So the little boy squatted over his plate and gave out a big grunt. Up came a little puff of flour. The little girl squatted down over her plate, gave out a grunt and blew all the flour off the plate. The little boy said, "Wow, I've never seen anything like that, let me look at your butt!"

The little girl bent over so he could see. The little boy looked at her butt and said, "No wonder! You got one of them double barrels!"

Lateral Thinking

An interesting quiz for you Lateral Thinking abilities --- Think !

1. There is a man who lives on the top floor of a very tall building. Everyday he gets the elevator down to the ground floor to leave the building to go to work.Upon returning from work though, he can only travel half way
up in the lift and has to walk the rest of the way unless it's raining! Why?
(This is probably the best known and most celebrated of all lateral thinking puzzles. It is a true classic. Although there are many possible solutions which fit the initial conditions, only the canonical answer is truly
satisfying. )

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2. A man and his son are in a car accident. The father dies on the scene, but the child is rushed to the hospital. When he arrives the surgeon says, "I can't operate on this boy, he is my son! " How  can this be?

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3. A man is wearing black. Black shoes, socks, trousers, lumper, gloves and balaclava. He is walking down a black street with all the street lamps off.

A black car is coming towards him with its light off but somehow manages to stop in time. How did the driver see the man?

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4. Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones?

This is logical rather than lateral, but it is a good puzzle that can be solved b y lateral thinking techniques. It is supposedly used by a very well-known software company as an interview question for prospective

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5. A man went to a part y and drank some of the punch. He then left early.

Everyone else at the party who drank the punch subsequently died of poisoning. Why did the man not die?

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6. A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man. The man says 'Thank you' and walks out.

(This puzzle claims to be the best of the genre. It is simple in its! statement, absolutely baffling and yet with a completely satisfying solution. Most people struggle very hard to solve this one yet they like the answer when they hear it or have the satisfaction of figuring it out. )

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Answers below but apply your mind first .....

What’s the hurry ....  think!

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1. The man is very, very short and can only reach halfway up the elevator buttons. However, if it is raining then he will have his umbrella with him and can press the higher buttons with it.

2. The surgeon was his mother.

3. It was day time.

4. A square manhole cover can be turned and dropped down the diagonal of the manhole. A round manhole cannot be dropped down the manhole. So for safety and practicality, all manhole covers should be round.

5. The poison in the punch came from the ice cubes. When the man Drank the punch, the ice was fully frozen. Gradually it melted, poisoning the punch.

6. The man had hiccups. The barman recognized this from his speech and drew the gun in order to give him a shock. It worked and cured the hiccups-so the man no longer needed the water.

What is the reason for the angel on top of the Christmas tree?

Many have asked, “What is the reason for the angel on top of the Christmas tree?”

Once upon a time Santa was rushed to get ready for Christmas. He had told Mrs. Claus to wake him at 5 a.m. and to have his breakfast ready with a lunch to bring along. He also told the elves to have all the Christmas presents packed in the sleigh and the reindeer harnessed by 5:30.

At 5:30 the following morning Santa Claus awoke and jumped out of bed furious with Mrs. Claus for NOT waking him up on time! Santa’s mood only got worse when he realized Mrs. Claus had NOT fixed breakfast or lunch!! Santa then ran out to his sleigh only to see that the elves had NO presents packed and the reindeer were running wild in the pasture!!!

About this time a little angel walked by dragging a large Christmas tree. Santa tried to ignore since he wasn’t his jolly old self.

But, the angel spoke up and said, "Santa what should I do with this Christmas tree?"

And that is the reason for the angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Why do I always have to be cow?

Funny Horoscopes

You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. you lie a great deal. you make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. everyone thinks you're a fucking jerk.

You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the f.b.i. or the c.i.a. you have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. you lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

You are the pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. you are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. you are a prick.

You are practical and persistent. you have dogged determination and work like hell. most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. you are nothing but a goddamn communist.

GEMINI - MAY 21 to JUNE 20
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. people like you because you are bisexual. you are inclined to expect too much for too little. this means you are a cheap bastard. geminis are notorious for thriving on insects.

You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples problems which makes you a sucker. you are always putting things off. this is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. everybody in prison is a cancer.

LEO - JULY 23 to AUGUST 22
You consider yourself a born leader. others think you're and idiot. most leos are bullies. you are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. your arrogance is disgusting. leo people are thieving mother-fuckers and spend most of their time kissing mirrors.

You are a logical type and hate disorder. this shit-picking is sickening to your friends. you are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep screwing. virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. if you are male you are probably queer. chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. most libra women are whores. all libras die of venereal disease.

The worst of the lot. you are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. you shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. you are a perfect son- of -a -bitch. most scorpios are murdered.

You are optimistic and enthusiastic. you have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. the majority of sagittarians are drunks. nixon was a sagittarian. you are not worth the time of day.

Definitions of a Bachelor

** One who avoids Bride-Eyed women.
** One who believes in Life, Liberty and the Happiness of Pursuit.
** One who believes in Wine, Women and So-Long.
** One who believes that one can live as cheaply as two.
** One who can forget his mistakes.
** One who can get into bed from either side.
** One who can go fishing anytime, until he gets hooked.
** One who can have a girl on his knee without having her on his hands.
** One who can leave his socks and wallet lying around the house.
** One who can tell his symptoms to his Doctor without having his wife interrupt.
** One who can't be Spouse-Broken.
** One who can't stand the strain of a wife.
** One who cheated some woman out of a divorce.
** One who doesn't have to leave the party when he starts having a good time.
** One who failed to embrace his opportunities
** One who is a free male.
** One who is allergic to Wedding cakes.
** One who is Foot-Loose and Family-Free.
** One who is known as a Dame Dropper.
** One who is not missing anything in life except a few buttons on his shirt.
** One who knows all the ankles.
** One who knows how to hold a woman's hand so that she doesn't get a grip on him.
** One who knows if he has a steady girl on the string he may wind up on a leash.
** One who knows more about Women than Men. That's why he is a Bachelor.
** One who leans toward a woman but not far enough to fall.
** One who likes his Girl Friend just the way she is...Single!!!!
** One who looks, but does not leap.
** One who never chases a woman he couldn't outrun.
** One who never knows whom the next kiss is coming from.
** One who never makes the same mistake once.
** One who never met a girl he couldn't live without.
** One who never Mrs. Anything.
** One who never says, "I'll Give You A Ring Tomorrow!"
** One who plays the game of love and manages to retain his amateur outstanding.
** One who thinks he is a thing of Beauty and a Boy forever.
** One who tries to avoid the issue.
** One who usually has his hands full trying to loosen a woman's grip.
** One who wakes up in the morning with all of the blankets.
** One who washes only one set of dishes.
** One who when a girl asks him for a Diamond Ring, he turns Stone-Deaf.
** One who when he opens the window in his apartment, more dust blows out than in.
** One who won't take `Yes' for an answer.
** One who would rather change girls than change their names.
** One who would rather cook his own goose.
** One who would rather have a woman on his mind than on his neck.
** One who would rather mend his socks than his ways.

Men are Like...

Men are like bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like bank machines. Once they withdraw they lose interest.

Men are like blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like cement. After getting laid, they take a long time to get Hard.

Men are like chocolate bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head Right for your hips.

Men are like coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you Up all night long.

Men are like commercials. You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like department stores. Their clothes are always half off.

Men are like government bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are Usually wrong.

Men are like lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright

Men are like laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.

Men are like mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like parking spots. All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

Men are like popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Men are like vacations. They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like weather. Nothing can be done to change them

Why The 80's Were Cooler For Being A Teenager Than The 90's

- MTV actually played videos in the 80's.

- There was only one kind of Nike tennis shoes (white with a red swoosh), and they didn't cost $125.

- A comb in your back pocket is more practical and less painful than a ring through your nose.

- In the 80's, playing video games actually meant going out to DO something.

- In the 80's, when you were out partying, you didn't have to worry about your Mom calling you on your cell phone.

- In the 80s, we didn't have to worry about getting our heads blown off at school - unless you put a whole pack of Pop Rocks in your mouth and drank a coke.

- Debbie Gibson vs. Britney Spears. New Kids on the Block vs. N'Sync. New Edition vs. Hanson. Ok, that one's a draw.

- In the early 80's, there were kids in your high school who could buy alcohol LEGALLY.

- Feathered hair was easier to care for than dreadlocks.

- In the 80's, you didn't have to worry about your pants falling down all the time. They were so tight we couldn't get them off!

A women’s lib speaker

A women’s lib speaker was addressing a large group and said, “Where would man be today if it were not for woman?”
She paused a moment and looked around the room. “I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?”
From the back of the room came a voice, “He’d be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries.”

Why Men Get Out Of Bed

A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night:

- 5% said it was to get a glass of water.

- 12% said it was to go to the toilet.

- 83% said it was to go home.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if

  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if all your male ancestors fought in the Civil War on the Confederate side.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your sister wants to join the Wives of Marines organization.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if the smell of dead bodies gets you aroused.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if when your D.I. says, “The Crucible will include female Marine participation” and you yell out, “Yeee Doggies, there be lovin on the battlefield tonight.”
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have been assigned aboard a Naval Task Force heading to Iraq and a young female Navy Ensign bends over and you yell out, “CHARGE.”
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if when a non white female Marine Cpl. from NYC threatens to kick your ass for the sexual advances you just made, and you reply, “Wow, just like being with my older half sister cause there’s nutin like a good ass kickin before the sex lickin starts.”
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you think an S & M club means Sex with Momma.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if ALL the women you talk to, you call “Darling.”
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you think big city girls are from Nashville, Gatorsburg, and Louisville.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if the waitress at the local choke and puke calls you a “Filthy Beast.”
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your D.I. tells you to trim the hairs out of your nose.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your older brother got a Section 8 from the Army for masturbating on the parade field.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your the reason the hospital maternity ward put up the sign in the birthing room that reads, “Do NOT Have Sex On This Bed.”
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your Mamma and Sister have to comb the hair under their arms.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you go to the zoo, drop your pants, take a shit, and throw it at the caged gorillas.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if California women keep telling you that “You drag your knuckles”, and you don’t have a clue what the hell they are talking about.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you brought the junior miss middle school prom queen to your high school prom night.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your classes at high school were often canceled because the path to the rest room was flooded.
  • You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you were truly a head and shoulders above all the rest of the kids in school, of course this is because you had to repeat the first grade 3 times.

Virgin Father

A boy finished cutting the lawn of a priest...the grass was very thick and long, and it took the boy about 4 hours to cut.
He approached the Father for payment and the priest paid him $1.00.
The boy said "Thank you, virgin Father!"
The priest replied, "What did you say?"
The boy repeated, "Thank you, virgin Father!"
The priest asked him, "Do you know what that means?"
The boy replied, "Yes.... tight ass!"

Veterans Bar

Four retired veterans are walking down the street. When they see a sign that says “Veterans Bar,” they go in. The bartender asks what they will have and they all ask for a martini.
He delivers the drinks and says, “That will be 40 cents,” They can’t believe their good luck.
They finish the drinks and order another round and the bartender again says, “That will be 40 cents.”
This whets their curiosity, so they ask the bartender, “How can you afford to serve martinis for a dime apiece?”
The bartender replies, “I guess you’ve seen the decor here. Well, I am a retired Navy Master Chief and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $45 million and decided to open this place for real veterans. Every drink costs a dime — wine, liquor, beer all the same.”
They notice four guys at the end of the bar who haven’t ordered anything.
They ask, “What’s with them?”
The bartender says “Oh, those are retired Air Force Colonels, they are waiting for Happy Hour!”

At a Medical Convention

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands. After dinner one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it.

After the sex session she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doctor says “I bet you are a surgeon”. She confirms and asks “How did you know?”. “Easy!” replied the male doctor, “You’re always washing your hands.” She then says “I bet you’re an anesthesiologist.” Male doctor asks, ”Wow… how did you guess?” The female doctor answer ”I didn’t feel a thing.”

smelly va*g*na

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she has a smelly va*g*na. She explains the problem and the doctor tells her to take all her clothes off and lay on the examination table.

He inspects her quickly and then says, "Right, just give me a second, please."

He goes behind the screen and comes back with a long stick that has a hook on the end.

"Oh my god!" screams the woman in terror, "what are you going to do with that thing?"

The doctor replies, "I'm going to open a window. It stinks in here."

A pet for husband

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were too expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk. "I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive,"

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?"

"$50? For a frog?" asked the woman.

The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It gives bl*w jobs."

The woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so she thought this was a heck of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and she'd never have to do that again. The woman decided to buy the frog. She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, the husband was a bit skeptical, but said he'd try it out for sure that night.

The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give another bl*w job. Around two in the morning, she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on. When she got to the kitchen, she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table looking through cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?" asked the woman.

The husband looks up at her and says, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your a*s is outta here!"

Put back worm in the hole

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

What Women Expect In a Husband

  • He will be handsome with a great sense of humor.
  • He will throw his clothes in the hamper and when the hamper is full he will do the laundry.
  • He has a full head of hair and shaves his face every day including weekends.
  • He will insist on doing all the yard work.
  • He knows where the vacuum is and how to use it.
  • He enjoys doing all the food shopping and is an expert cook and dishwasher.
  • He is allergic to beer, poker games and strip clubs.
  • He will have a stomach you can bounce a coin off of.
  • He will make the bed every day and PUT the toilet seat down!
  • He loves the fact that you are going out with the girls
  • He knows what foreplay is.
  • He worships the ground you walk on.

Two notorious drunks

Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what's wrong.

"I've puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me."

The other drunk says "do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned."

"Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1.

When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is.

The drunk starts spinning the lie and says "Look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket."

His wife looks in the pocket and finds a twenty dollar bill.

"Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy only gave you ten bucks for puking on you?"

"He did," says the drunk. "But he sh*t in my pants too."

Aussie sayings for I need to do a poo

"I gotta go give birth to a Kiwi."

"I'm takin' a stroll to the gravy bowl."

"It was like giving birth to Kim Beasly."

"Off to the bog to leave an offering."

"Time to snap off a grogan."

"Have to hang a brown bear in the porcelain cave."

"I'm gonna strangle a brownie."

"There's a brown dog barking at the back door."

"I'm going to give birth to your twin."

"Need to choke a brown dog."

"I've freed Nelson Mandela."

"Going for a Rodney."

"Taking out the garbage."

"I gotta back one out."

"Release the Chocolate hostage"

"I gotta lay some cables for telstra"

The Wine Tester

In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.

They tested him.

They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said,

"It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."

"That’s correct", said the boss.

Another glass.
"It’s red wine , cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels."

The director was astonished.

He winked at his secretary to suggest something.

She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.

"It’s a blonde, she is 26 years old, and is pregnant in the third month.

And if you don’t give me the job, I’ll tell who’s the father!"

PS – he got the job – did I have to say that?

London Fire

In a run-down part of East London a fire destroyed a dilapidated four-storey house that had been divided into four flats.

A Nigerian family of six Internet con artists and full time benefit cheats lived on the first floor...all six tragically perished in the fire.

A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor...they too, all perished in the fire.

Six Albanian, gang banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and living off the state for free, occupied the 3rd floor...they too, died.

But the middle aged Muhindi couple from Kenya who lived on the top floor miraculously survived the fire.

The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Rights activists, black community leaders and the British Islamic Council were all furious at the apparent racial inequality of the situation. Why was just the Muhindi couple from Kenya saved? It was monstrous they claimed, and showed that systemic 'racism' still existed in all areas of public service - questions were raised in the House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story and within hours it was national and indeed international news.

Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, when questioned stated calmly that it would be unwise to jump to conclusions until the Police and Fire Service had completed their report. He closed by stating that he expected their initial assessment to be available within the next 36 hours – so perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and report back before he commented any further.

The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch with the feelings of the whole East London community!

A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with the Home Secretary drove to the area, having demanded a meeting with the local chief fire officer. They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TV had been briefed on the visit and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.

On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black Muslims and Albanians all died in the fire and only the Muhindi couple from Kenya lived.

One bemused chief fire officer quietly replied,

"Because they were both at work."

Remainder of the proverb

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.

Better to be safe than………………Punch a 5th grader
It’s always darkest before…………… Daylight Savings
You can lead a horse to water but………how?
Don’t bite the hand that……………. looks dirty
If you lie down with dogs, you’ll………stink in the morning
Happy the bride who………………….gets all the presents
Don’t put off till tomorrow what……….you put on to go to bed
Children should be seen and not………spanked or grounded
You get out of something what you………see pictured on the box

Mind Reading

A woman's diary - A Must Read

Day 1: We just celebrated our 50th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to reenact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2: Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, and he says he'd wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3: This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Something must change soon.

Day 4: I'm hoping for a miracle. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac pills with the Viagra pills, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5: What absolute bliss!!.

Day 6: Isn't life wonderful. But it's difficult to write while he's exercising his new found MANHOOD.

Day 7: This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, I have to admit it's very nice, I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8: I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his "new" friend as a weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore.

Day 9: No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10: Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. What am I going to do?

Day 11: I'm basically being screwed to death here. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning pinned to the bed. He's a complete PIG.

Day 12: I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing makeup, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous.

Day 13: Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.

Day 14: I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun, but this just seems to make him hornier. Help me!

Day 15: I think I have to kill him. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over anymore.

Day 16: The bastard has started to complain about not getting enough. I Hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17: Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference. Shitt !!!........ Here he comes again!

Day 18: Aaaahhhh! Finally... The Prozac has kicked in again. The lazy ass just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him.

What absolute bliss!

A Honest Lawyer

An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."

Pizza Toppings

Satisfying the wife

A white guy was having trouble satisfying his wife, so he went to his black buddy at work for advice.

"Listen," said the inept white guy, "I know you soul brothers always satisfy your women. How do you do it?"

"Oh, dat ain't no problem," said his friend. "What I do is stick it in 'em real slow, and then pull it out from 'em real fast. Keep doin' that and dey come every time."

The white guy went home that night and tried his friend's technique out. He stuck it in real slow, and then extracted it real quickly, just like his buddy said. After a while he asked his wife,

"Honey, do notice anything different about the way I'm doing it?"

"Yeah," she said, "you're screwing just like a black guy."

Two Nuns - Sister Mathematical and Sister Logical (SL)

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) , and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) .

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical .

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM : And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down .

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, I'll pray for you

Romance Point System

A romance "point system" In the world of romance, one single rule applies:

Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

  • You make the bed (+1)
  • You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
  • You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
  • You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) In the rain (+8) But return with Beer (-5)
  • You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
  • You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
  • You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
  • You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
  • It's her pet (-20)

  • You stay by her side the entire party (0)
  • You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)
  • Named Tina (-10)
  • Tina is a dancer (-20)
  • Tina has silicon implants (-80)

  • You take her out to dinner (+2)
  • You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)
  • Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
  • And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
  • It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)

  • You take her to a movie (+1)
  • You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
  • You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
  • You take her to a movie you like (-2)
  • It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)
  • You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

  • You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
  • You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
  • You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
  • You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

  • She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you lose points no matter what]
  • You hesitate in responding (-10)
  • You reply, "Where?" (-35)
  • Any other response (-20)

  • When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned __expression (0)
  • You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
  • You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
  • She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)


A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand. The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up and I can't even hold a pen."

"Certainly, sir," said the younger man. He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?"

The old fellow glanced at the card a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing?'

How Girlz rate Guyz?

Girls' relationship with guys is a bigger mystery than girls themselves.

It's not just about boyfriends, we're talking about guy friends that gals have.

Do you have a gal who is just a friend? Are confused why the frequency of calls increases as exams loom closer? Or why she always hangs around with the moron who isn't fit to wear Jeetendra's white shoes? Here's a ready reckoner for you:


% Just A Friend %

Well, you are like a show piece in my house. I will call you whenever I need you. If you call me home the chances are 9 out of 10 times she might say, "Oh Alex, I am going out can you call me after 2 days??"

Alex: "Where are you going Sharon??"

Sharon: "None of your business" and bangs the phone.(Useless fellow.Hmmph!).


% Good Friend %

You are like a TV remote control. I need you and I know that. But I try using you when I really need you.

Alex calls: "Hi Sharon",

Sharon: "Hi Alex. I am going out with family I will call you back. Bye"

(Sharon calls back after two days)

Sharon: "What do you want Alex? Why did you call that day?".

Alex: "Generally".

Sharon: "Oh ok. I got to go out. Will call you later. Bye."

Will call when she needs lecture notes or some concert tickets.


% Very good friend %

Well you are like the pressure cooker safety value for the girl.

She will need you when she wants to bring out her pain or anger on someone.

Basically, she wants to talk to you. And you are special to her.

Sharon: "You know Alex, Jason is not eating. He doesn't sleep and is not able to concentrate on his studies. I think he doesn't like me anymore. And yesterday I saw him with another girl".

Alex: "Who is Jason??"

Sharon : "My boyfriend."

Alex: Oh! ok. :-(


% Best Friend %

You are like the Cab driver. She can't live without you.

And don't be mistaken. You are not her boyfriend. But you are allowed to take her little doggie around the park so that he (not you!) can have fun.

Alex Shopping. Alex Movie. Alex Coffee. Alex,you pay. I am having fun.

Alex is now sure that he should go ahead and propose. He dares.

Sharon: "But I thought we were just friends. We should remain friends

Alex. Plus, I have a boy friend you know that."

Alex: What?? (Alex drinks all night).


% Best of the Bestest Friends %

Ok now you are really special.

You are dad-cum-boyfriend-cum-brother-cum-everything.

Ultimately you are the darling servant of the girl.

You take her around.

You make her project.

You do her assignments.

You are allowed to take her doggie around.

You can hold hands on the beach.

You can see the sun set with her (because she wants to do everything she drags you along).

But but but... don't be mistaken. She has a boyfriend who works for a huge software company and earns 3 times the salary you earn and has a flat in Creek city or Defence area.

Sharon: "Hi Alex. I am getting engaged to Jason. Jason this is Alex, he is my bestest friend".

Alex: Hi Jason . (Hand shake. Jason breaks Alex's wrist).

Alex is now heart broken and wrist broken.


% Boyfriend %

Uh... No comments dude. You're already Gone!


Now ~ where you stand?

Do u know why spelling of women starts with “W”?

Becoz most of the Questions in the world starts with W ..

What ?
Why ?
Who ?
When ?

Which ?
Where ?
Whom ?

Don't copy if you can't paste

A well-known motivational speakergathering the entire crowd's attention,
said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who
wasn't my wife !"

The crowd was shocked!!!!!!!!

He followed up by saying, "That woman was my mother!"

The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well received.

About a week later, one of the top managers who had the training
decided to use that joke at his house. He tried to rehearse the joke in
his head. It was a bit foggy to him.

He said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"

Naturally, his wife was shell shocked, murmuring.

After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second
half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "... and I can't
remember who she was !"

As expected, he got thrashing of his life time....

Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste

God isn't deaf

Just before Christmas, two brothers were spending the night at their Grandmother's house. At bed time, they knelt down to say their prayers. As they closed their eyes, one boy said in a loud voice, "Dear Lord, please ask Santa Claus to bring me a Wii, a telescope and a new bike."

His older brother said, "Why are you shouting? God isn't deaf." "I know," said his brother, "but Grandma is."

I can't find it - Hilarious

Norman was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.

So Norman raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused.

Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Norman to be quick.

Five minutes later Norman returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed.

"I can't find it," he admitted.

The teacher sat Norman down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now.

Norman looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.

Well, five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher "I can't find it".

Frustrated, the teacher asked Eddie, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.

So Eddie and Norman go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats.

The teacher asks Eddie "Well, did you find it ?"

Eddie is quick with his reply: "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards."

Aussie sayings for I need to go for a pee

I need to go for a pee:

"Gonna drain me dragon."

"My back teeth are floating."

"Need to syphon the python."

"Takin' the kids to the pool."

"I got to take a snakes hiss."

"Gotta go have a slash."

"Gonna go water a horse."

"I'm off to drain the main vein."

"Time to splatter the bladder."

"I'm dying for a piss ! so bad I can taste it."

"Shake hands with the wife's best friend."

A ten-dollar bill, A bible, and A bottle of whiskey

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career ... so they decided to do a small test.

They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey and put them on the front hall table ... then they hid, pretending they were not at home.

The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."

So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive ... the son saw the note they had left.

Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.

After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it.
Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality ... then he left for his room, carrying all the three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined ..."
"Our son is going to be a politician!"