Sign seen in repair shop

Sign seen in repair shop (directed at customers):

Hourly rate: $10.50

Hourly rate if you sit and watch: $12.50

Hourly rate if you sit, watch, and comment: $15.50

Hourly rate if you sit, watch, comment, and "help": $20.00

He fingered me first

Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my arse"

The doctors says "Drop your pants, bend over and let me have a look".

"Good lord!!" says the doctor "what could have made a hole as big as that?"

Patient replies "I've been screwed by an elephant".

The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous".

Patient replies "He fingered me first".

Remember My Name

Where are you going?

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling a sleep, but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.

She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said. "Then you use to bite my neck.

"Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

Some more Rajinikanth Jokes

1) Galileo used lamp to study..
Graham bell used candle to study
Shakespere studied in street lights
but, u know abt Rajnikanth?????????????
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Only Agarbatti!!!!!! :-)


2) Once Rajnikant bunkd the school …
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Since dat day is known as Sunday



3) The rough book used by rajnikant in his school days is today known as ...
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wikipedia-the encyclopedia


4) Why did Rajnikant buy an acre of Land with 4 wells in each corner???
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Ans. To Play Carrom!!!


5) rajnikant did his K.G frm 7 different places...
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Today those are known as 7 different IIT's...!!!


6) Rajnikanth went for a morning walk and in the afternoon Police arrested him....Y?
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Because he reached USA without Visa..


7) Rajnikant can watch movies from DVD without DVD player, without TV. How?
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by running it on his fingure

8) NASA doesn't exist anymore...
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Rajni bought all their rockets in Diwali

9) in 2008 rajni lost his wallet.....
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and the world went into recession!!!

10) Neil Armstrong lands on the moon and sees Rajni is already there…!!!

Men will never change

You Might Be A Yankee If...

  1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
  2. You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!
  3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
  4. For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
  5. You don't know what a moon pie is.
  6. You've never had grain alcohol.
  7. You've never, ever, eaten Okra.
  8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
  9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.
  10. You have no idea what a polecat is.
  11. Whenever someone tells an off*color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.
  12. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
  13. You don't have bangs.
  14. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
  15. More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
  16. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
  17. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
  18. You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.
  19. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun*and*knife show.
  20. You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
  21. You don't have at least one can of WD*40 somewhere around the house.
  22. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on*ramp on the highway.
  23. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
  24. The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.
  25. You call binoculars opera glasses.
  26. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
  27. You would never wear pink or an appliqued sweatshirt.
  28. You don't know what appliqued is.
  29. Most of your formative high school experiences took place within the context of a football game.
  30. You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Bubba Kay Bob, Bob Bob)
  31. You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
  32. You've never been to a craft show.
  33. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
  34. You can't do your laundry without quarters.
  35. None of your fur coats are homemade.

You Might Be A Redneck If:

You Might Be A Redneck If:

* You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.

* Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.

* You've ever re-used a paper plate.

* If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

* If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

* On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.

Things I Can Only Say This Week At Thanksgiving And Get Away With It

  • Talk about a huge breast.
  • Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
  • It's cool whip time.
  • If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
  • Whew, that's one terrific spread!
  • I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
  • Are you ready for seconds yet?
  • It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
  • Just wait your turn, you'll get some.
  • Don't play with your meat!
  • Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
  • Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
  • I didn't expect everyone to come at once.
  • You still have a little bit on your chin.
  • How long will it take after you stick it in?
  • You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
  • Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
  • That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
  • How long do I beat it before it's ready?
  • Man, that looks just like cranberry sauce.
  • Is that hole good and stuffed?
  • Should I wrap that for you?
  • I've done my part, now I just want to sleep.

Is it Wrong

Chuck Norris Joke

Thanksgiving Story

I saw you across a crowded room. Among all the others that were there, The lights seemed to shine down on you alone. I knew then I had to have you for my own.

Willingly, you came with me to my home. From the car, I carried you and threw the door.

Looking at you, I admire your body, your well shaped legs, and breasts. Slowly I remove what wraps, around your body so tightly, fitting you like a glove. Exposing your tender white skin.

From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off in my arms, to the warm water that awaits.

The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft breasts then, making your legs glisten with wetness. Droplets of water cover your taut skin.

My hands rub your body, ummmm running them threw the beads of water. Making them trickle down off your body.

I place my fingers inside you. You are warm and moist, so ready. I carry your still dripping body, to a laying place, so that I can put inside you what was well prepared to enter you before we even came through the door.

As soon as I lay you down your legs spread open wide. You are ready now and so am I.

I put a little in slowly at first, getting a feel for how much you can take in.

I put in more, you take it willingly. In anticipation, faster and faster I put it in, pushing it in deeply as far as I can, until I can't put any more in, you are so tight. With your legs wrapped tightly, not wanting to release any of it, I make you so hot for a very long time, until your sweet juices escape from within. Then I taste you, with my tongue at first, your skin is so soft and tender.

I taste more of you with my mouth, you are so hot and moist, you taste so good.

Your juices coating my mouth, making me drool in anticipation of eating you more, with every taste.

"Oh yes", I say to you,

I must say Grace "Thank God for Butterball turkey.... Amen"

Racing-car driver

The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.

"What's the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked.

"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured,
'what a smooth finish.'"

"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver.

"Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled, 'who the hell left the garage door open?'"

Rajinikanth Trigonometry

Rajinikanth theory of Light

There nothing Rajini Cant

What would you do?

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport.

It was after midnight.

While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom.

The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money."

"He paid for the Corvette I bought for you, He paid for our new cabin cruiser, He paid for our house at the lake."

"He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.

He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby said,

"I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

Mountain Neighbours

Dan, a 35 year old New York stock broker had made it so big on Wall Street that he was able to retire at a young age.

Using his wealth, he buys a small cottage in the Vermont mountains.

After 6 months of hardly any human contact, except for venturing into town for supplies, he hears a knock on his door.

He opens the door to find this big, surly, bearded man standing in front of him.

"May I help you," Dan asks.

"The name's Jim, I live 'bout two miles down the road in my cabin," the man says.

"I'm having a party this coming Saturday and I thought I'd invite you seein' that you're new and all here."

Dan accepts the invitation saying, "Great, I haven't been out in six months."

Jim says "I gotta warn ya, there's gon' be a lot a drinkin at this party."

"Well, I've been to all the bars in New York and have held my ground with the best of them," Dan replies.

"A lot of fightin' goes on that these parties too," Jim says.

Dan replies "well, it'll be nice to get out and I think I can hold my own."

Jim offers, "there's also gon' be some wild love making."

"Well I have been alone for the last six months," Dan says with a laugh.

So the two exchange numbers and directions and just as Jim is walking away Dan says "What should I wear?"

Jim turns and replies, "Whatever you want, just gon' be us two."

Bill Gates and Ramayan

When Bill Gates was in India few months back,he had a chance 2 listen Ramayana from Atal behari vajpayee. After returning 2 US he wrote it in his personal Diary. A Tabloid in US got a copy of his writings.These are
excerpts from his diary.

Ramayana
LAN, LAN ago, in the SYSTEM of I/O-dhya, there ruled a PROCESSOR named DOS-rat.
Once he EXECUTED a great sacrifice PROGRAM after which his queens gave an OUTPUT of four SUNs-- RAM, LSIman, BUG-rat and SED-rughana.
RAM the eldest was a MICROCHIP with excellent MEMORY .
His brothers, however, were only PERIPHERAL ICs.
Once when RAM was only 16MB, he married princess 'C'ta.
12 years passed and DOS-rat decided to INSTAL RAM as his successor.
However, Queen CIE/CAE(Kayegayee), who was once offered a boon by DOS-rat for a life saving HELP COMMAND ,took this opportunity at the instigation of her BIOSed maid (a real plotter),and insisted that her son Bug-rat be INSTALLED and that RAM be BOOTED to the forest for 14 years.
At this cruel and unexpected demand, a SURGE passed thru DOS-rat and he collapsed, power-less.

RAM agreed to LOG ONTO forest and 'C'ta insisted to LOGIN with him.
LSI-man was also resolved on LOGGING IN with his brother.
The forest was the dwelling of SPARC-nakha, the TRANSISTOR of RAW-van,PROCESSOR of LAN-ka.
Attracted by RAM's stature, she proposed that he marry her.
RAM, politely declined.
Perceiving 'C'ta to be the SOURCE CODE of her distress, she hastened to kill her.
Weeping, SPARC-nakha fled to LAN-ka, where RAW-van, moved by TR ANSISTOR's plight, approached his uncle MAR-icha.
MAR-icha REPROGRAMED himself into the form of a golden stag and drew RAM deep into the forest.
Finally, tired of chase, RAM shot the deer, who,with his last breath, cried out desperately for LSI-man in RAM's voice.
Fooled by this VIRTUAL RAM SOUND, 'C'ta urged LSI-man to his brother's aid.
Catching the opportunity, RAW-van DELINKED 'C'ta from her LIBRARY and changed her ROOT
DIRECTORY to LAN-ka.

RAM and LSI-man started SEARCHING for the missing 'C'ta all over he forest.
They made friendship with the forest SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR SU-greev and his powerful co-processor Ha-NEUMAN.
SU-greev agreed to help RAM.
SU-greev ordered his PROGRAMMERS to use powerful 'SEARCH' techniques to FIND the missing 'C'ta.
His PROGRAMMERS SE ARCHED all around the INTER-NETworked forests.

Many tried to 'EXCITE' the birds and animals not to forget the 'WEB CRAWLERS'( Insects) and tried to 'INFO SEEK' something about 'C'ta.
Some of them even shouted 'YAA-HOO' but they all ended up with 'NOTFOUND' MESSAGES.
Several other SEARCH techniques proved useless.

Ha-NEUMAN devised a RISKy TECHNOLOGY and used it to cross the seas at an astonishing CLOCK SPEED.
Soon Ha-NEUMAN DOWNLOADED himself into LAN-ka.
After doing some local SEARCH, Ha-NEUMAN found 'C'ta weeping under a TREE STRUCTURE.
Ha-NEUMAN used a LOGIN ID (ring) to identify himself to 'C'ta.
After DECRYPTING THE KEY, 'C'ta believed in him and asked him to send a STATUS _OK MESSAGE to RAM.
Meanwhile all the raakshasa BUGS around 'C'ta captured Ha-NEUMAN and tried to DELETE him using pyro-techniques.

But Ha-NEUMAN managed to spread chaos by spreading the VIRUS 'Fire'.
Ha-NEUMAN happily pressed ESCAPE from LAN-ka and conveyed all the STATUS MESSAGES to RAM an d SU-greev.
RAW-wan decided to take the all powerful RAM head-on and prepared for the battle.
One of the RAW-wan's SUN (son) almost DELETED RAM and LSI-man with a powerful brahma-astra.
But Ha-NEUMAN resorted to some ACTIVE-X gradients and REBOOTED RAM andLSI-man.
RAM used the SOURCE CODE secrets of RAW-wan and once for all wiped out RAW-wan's presense on earth.

After the battle, RAM got INSTALLED in I/O-dhya andspreaded his MICROSOFT WORKS and other USER FRIENDLY PROGRAMS to all USERS and every one livedhappily everafter.

Funeral

One of the city’s top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses. When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said their goodbyes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again. It was a majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist.

Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter. Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "Why are you laughing, Mister?"

"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied,
"I'm a gynecologist"

Trojan Ecstasy

Blind Salesman

A lady goes into the local sporting goods store to buy a fishing rod to give to her husband for his birthday.

A salesman wearing dark glasses with a dog is behind the counter and asks, "Can I help you ma'am?"

"Well, I'd like to buy a fishing rod, can you tell me about this one?" she answers.

The salesman replies, "I'm sorry ma'am but I am blind and can not see the rod your referring too. However, if you'll drop it on the counter I'll tell you all about it as I can tell from the sound it makes."

The lady picks up the rod, and does what he says and drops it on the counter.

He belts "That's a Zebco 2500, fiberglass, 6.5', medium action - $15."

Lady - "Wow!" She finds another and does the same.

"Thats an Orion 35 C, graphite, 6', light action - best used with ultralight tackle - $20."

Very impressed the lady decides to buy the second one.

As the man is ringing up the sale, the lady makes a rather large noise as she passes gas but feels no need to apologize as the salesman is blind and has no idea who she is.

Salesman says, "That'll be $25."
"TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS!? YOU SAID $20?"
"That's right mam, $20 for the rod, $3 for the duck call, and $2 for the fish bait."

Old Mendel Rugelbaum

Old Mendel Rugelbaum was very old and suffering from a rare disease and his doctor told him could drink only human milk.

"How can I get human milk?" Mendel asked the doctor.

"Well, Ruby Finkelstein's just had a baby, maybe she'll help."

So every day Mendel went to Ruby's house for his daily feed. Ruby was a dark eyed, big breasted lady, who, in spite of herself, gradually became aroused as Mendel lapped at her ripe breasts. One day as he quietly lay sucking, she whispered to him, " Tell me Mr. Rugelbaum, do you like it?"

"Mmmm, wonderful," he sighed.

"Is there," she hesitated, her lips parted, eyes aglow, "is there anything else you'd like?"

"As a matter of fact there is," murmured Mendel.

"What?" Ruby asked breathlessly.

Mendel licked his lips. "Maybe a little cookie?"

Respect

This guy is really horny, but all he has is two dollars. He goes to the nearest whore house and says to the man working there, "Look, I`m really horny, but all I have is two dollars. What can I get?"
"Well, the cheapest we have is one hundred dollars. But I`ll cut you a deal on two conditions. For two dollars, I`ll let you go down two doors on the right, but you have to wear a black condom, and leave the lights out!"

"A while later he comes back out and says "Well, the sex was pretty good but why did I have to wear the black condom?"

"You gotta show some respect for the dead!"

Womens' Arse Size Study

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their arses. The results were pretty interesting:

30% of women think their arse is too fat.............

10% of women think their arse is too skinny......

The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world.

Top 10 Lovemaking Tips For Seniors

  1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.
  2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
  3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!
  4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
  5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember it.
  6. Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed or between the thighs.
  7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
  8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
  9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
  10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

Dictionary for women

  • Argument (AR*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
  • Airhead (ER*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
  • Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."
  • Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
  • Cantaloupe (Kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
  • Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
  • Diet Soda (dy*it so*DA) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
  • Eternity (e*ter*in*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
  • Exercise (ex*ER*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
  • Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
  • Hair Dresser (hare dres*ER) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
  • Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
  • Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."
  • Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
  • Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
  • Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
  • Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
  • Valentine's Day (Val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card

Not exactly

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the check-out counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight", the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for my brother, he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one.

Male Sensivity Test

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You carefully pace yourself to time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN II Drag Racing.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The very best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no consequence to how you love her and your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym if she'd like to.
C. A very conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. An important model to strive for
B. A myth or an oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "This time together has been meaningful for me. I hope we can be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time, understanding, and gentle encouragement before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.


Evaluating Results:
* If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check inside your pants to be sure you ARE a man.
* If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy.
* If you answered "C" more than 7 times, YOU DA MAN!

Murphy's Real Laws

  • Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
  • It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.
  • Just remember if it wasn't for gravity, we'd all fall off.
  • The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
  • It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
  • You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
  • Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population.
  • If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
  • The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
  • Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking.
  • Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
  • The shinbone is a device for finding furniture.
  • A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
  • It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
  • Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
  • I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
  • I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
  • When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Computerised Version of a Sex Crazed Boss

A secretary complained about her boss.....

She said, "My boss is so sex-crazed". Every time he comes into the office, I must do the LAPTOP position and then the DESKTOP position, followed by the SPREADSHEET format.

I must LOAD UP his SOFT DISK into a HARD DISK, so that he can INSERT in my C DRIVE and then the A DRIVE, which is most uncomfortable. Then he'll ask me to EJECT his SOFTWARE outside my C DRIVE so that he is VIRUS FREE.

Then he changes his mind and decides to ENTER, ENTER, ENTER the whole day till he is in MICROSOFT stage.


Many a times he works without CAPLOCKS (without "CAP" or HELMET) and sometimes as an ALTERNATIVE he CRASHES my SYSTEM until he looses his CTRL and he LOGS IN....

This process continues until I ZIP him and SHUTDOWN his main SYSTEM....

Diary of Blonde Wife

*Monday:*

Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.

*Tuesday:*

We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad.

*Wednesday:*

I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the day. I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.

*Thursday:*

Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why? He must be stressed at work, I'll try to be supportive.

*Friday:*

Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did,to my mum's place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again, it looked the same as when I left it.

*Saturday:*

Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and it's little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because of his work,or he wanted the chicken to dance. When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting out "why me? why me ?" Hmmm....It must be his job.

Santa at an IAS Interview

One young man went for an IAS Interview.

"When did India get independence?" He was asked.

"The efforts began a few years earlier and final result was in 1947" He replied.

"Who was responsible for our independence?"

"There were so many. Whom to mention? If I name one, it will be a injustice to another." He replied.

"Is corruption the number one enemy in our country?"

"Some research is going on the subject and I can answer with certainity only after seeing the report" He replied.

The interview board was very pleased with his original and thoughtful answers and asked him not to reveal the questions to others, since they were planning to ask the same questions.


When he went out naturally others were curious to know what was asked. He politely declined, but one persistent Santa would not leave him. "At least tell me the answers" he pleaded, and our friend obliged.

Then it was the turn of this Santa. When he went inside, since his resume was slightly illegible, the board member asked him." By the way, what is your date of birth?"

He replied, "The effort began a few years earlier and final result was in 1947."

Somewhat puzzled, they asked another clarification. "What is your fathers name?"

He replied, "There were so many. Whom to mention". If I name one, it will be injustice to another".

The interviewer was incensed.

"Hey! Are you mad or what?"

He replied. "Some research is going on the subject. I can answer with certainty only after seeing the report."

Masturbation Joke

Why do you say that?

You know that Mary Jane that lives down the road is a cheat", declared Jenni's little boy.

"Why do you say that?", Jenni asked.

The boy reported, "Well she said she'd show me hers if I showed her mine- but it turned out she hasn't got one!

Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean.

He went out and cornered a small monkey, and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!"

Later, the lion confronts an ox and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon.

The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and rambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"

The Wish

One day, down in the mystical forest, a magical frog was hopping towards a water hole. The forest was so enormous that the frog had never laid eyes on another animal before. But today, by chance a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop and said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant both of you three wishes. Bear, you can go first." The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for such idiotic items, because after all, he could have asked for money and bought the bike.

For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, apart from me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, roared the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."

I'll give it a try

A very well-built young lady was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."

The shrink thought for a moment and said... "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"

The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says... "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"

American And Iraqi Soldiers

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi border. To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along the road. A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, who was still barely alive.

They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash!'

He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'Bush is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash too!'"

"We were standing there shaking hands in the middle of the road when the truck hit us

Difference between appraisal and resignation

A newly joined trainee engineer asks his boss "what is the meaning of appraisal?"
Boss: "Do you know the meaning of resignation? "
Trainee: "Yes I do"
Boss: "So let me make you understand what a appraisal is by comparing it with resignation"

Comparison study : Appraisal and Resignation

**********

In appraisal meeting they will speak only about your weakness, errors and failures.
In resignation meeting they will speak only about your strengths, past achievements and success.

**********

In appraisal you may need to cry and beg for even 10% hike.
In resignation you can easily demand (or get even without asking) more than 50-60% hike.

**********

During appraisal, they will deny promotion saying you didn't meet the expectation, you don't have leadership qualities, and you had several drawbacks in our objective/goal.
During resignation, they will say you are the core member of team; you are the vision of the company how can you go, you have to take the project in shoulder and lead your juniors to success.

**********

There is 90% chance for not getting any significant incentives after appraisal.
There is 90% chance of getting immediate hike after you put the resignation.

**********

Trainee: "Yes boss enough, now I understood my future. For an appraisal I will have to resign ... !!!"

Obviously for girls

What would you like to hear

Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you're in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I'd like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I'd like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I'd like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!"

Who is the most obedient?

There was a father who called his 5 small children together.

As the sat together in a circle on the floor the dad placed a toy in the middle.

He explained to them that he won this toy as a door prize and he wanted to give it to one of them.

He asked them "who is the most obedient?"

Five sets of eyes looked up at him.

Sensing that they didn't understand the word he then asked, "ok, who always obeys mommy, and does everything she says?"

One of the children picked up the toy and handed it to the father. "You win!" exclaimed the child.

Doesn't matter Sonny

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.

Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

Sean and Jason

Sean and Jason were in a bar, and they went into the toilet to take a leak.

While standing at the urinal Sean confessed, “I wish I had a dick like my cousin James. He needs four fingers to hold his.”

Jason looked over and pointed out, “But you’re holding yours with four fingers.”

“I know,” said Sean, “but I’m peeing on three of them.”

Seagull and Toilet Paper

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were walking along the beach. A seagull flies over and craps all over the blonde. The brunette says in a disgusted voice, "Hang on. The bathroom is just up the hill. I'll go get some toilet paper."

After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh. The redhead says, "What's so funny?" The blonde says, "Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and look at her! By the time she gets back with that toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!"

Truth or Slap!

Kyle's Dad brought home a robot one day.

The robot had the ability to detect lies and would slap the person who lied.

When Kyle returned late from school. Dad asked, Son why are you late from school'?
Dad, we had extra classes today,
Robot slapped Kyle on his face.
Dad shouted, "Come on tell me the truth, why are you late?"
Dad, I went to see the movie 'Ten Commandments'
Robot slapped Kyle on his face.

Sorry dad, I went to see the movie "Red Hot Queen".
"Shame on you son, when I was your age..
I never watched obscene movies or misbehaved"
Immediately, Dad gets a slap on the face from the robot.

Kyle's mom comes walking out of the kitchen and says to her husband,
"After all, he's your son!"

The robot slaps the mom.

Young Mwangi

Young Mwangi was appointed sales person at a local General Dealer's store in Kampala .

While on one of his shifts, a lady approached him and asked if they had peach jam to which he bluntly replied, "Out of stock." At this, the lady immediately turned to leave the shop in disgruntlement.

It was then that the shopkeeper, who had been looking on, called Mwangi aside and told him, "When a customer asks for a product that is out of stock, you apologize for its unavailability, and then offer other types of the same product. For instance in this case it was peach jam; offer other types of jam like plum jam, guava jam and so on."

Next, came in another lady who asked for toilet paper and Mwangi politely replied, "I am sorry ma'am, we do not have any toilet paper right now but you could try carbon paper, manila paper or sand paper!

Redneck Motor Cycle

Beef tongue

A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher's counter. The lady asks, "What in the world is that?"

" Beef tongue," replies the butcher!

The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, "No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal's mouth!"

The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman's shopping cart, "I see you're buying a dozen eggs!"

Operated for appendicitis

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.

Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs."

The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.

And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs.

Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.

Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"

What is your Ninja Name

Fact

Area 51

What should I do?

"Doctor, Doctor!" exclaimed the man. "There's something terribly wrong with my digestive system. When I eat bananas, bananas come out the other end. When I eat apples, apples come out the other end. What should I do?"

"Simple," the doctor replied. "Eat sh*t."

Putting the dogs to sleep

Three people, 2 men and 1 woman, and their dogs are in the Vets waiting room. The first man's dog asked the second man's dog what he's there for.

They are putting me down. Oh no, says the first dog, why?

The second dog says,"Well, you see... I've been chasing the Postman for years. Yesterday, I finally caught him, and bit him. So, I'm going to be put to sleep.

The second dog says, "Well, my master just completely remodeled the inside of his house. I didn't like it because my scent wasn't anywhere, anymore. So, when he went to bed last night, I pissed on everything I could find, to get my scent back. This morning, my master found out what I had done, so he is putting me to sleep also.

The third dog said, This is my masters new girlfriend. She runs around the house all the time without her clothes. This makes me very horny. So, this morning, as she was getting out of the shower, and bent over to wipe up the water on the floor. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I jumped on her a gave it to her good!"

The other dogs say, " so that's why they are putting you to sleep?" No says the dog, "She is bringing me here to get my toe nails clipped!"

Man and his Mistress - Hilarious Joke

For several years, a man had been having an affair with his mistress.

One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child.

Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back when the child was born.

He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin.

One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey,' she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later, he said.

The wife did and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted...

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce!

My wife needs me to help

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"

Smart Dog

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are.
The first man was an engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, "T-square, do your stuff!". T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff!". Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff!". Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured ex actly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

The three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?".

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!". Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.

How to ask for Salary Hike

One day you send a letter to your boss asking for an increase in your salary !

Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need$ ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company .
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,




The next day, you received this letter of reply :

Oh my dear:


I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet .

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the
NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,
Manager

Clearing a Wedgie

Some Republicans

Are your free tonight?

A cute, good looking secretary came angrily out of the boss's cabin......

A colleague asked : "What happened? "

She replied : "He asked if I am free tonight?'"

I said: "Yes." .....

.... And the bugger gave me 50 pages to type !!!

Little Johnny learns about medicines

At school little Johnny learns about medicines.
The lady teacher asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.

The first pupil said: Tylenol?
Very good! And what is it used for?
It is used for headache.

The second pupil said: Nytol
Excellent. And what it is used for?
To help you sleep.

Now it is Johnny's turn and he said:Viagra
Johnny. What is it used for?
I think it can be used for diarrhea.
Who told you this?
Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father 'take a Viagra, maybe that little sh*t will get harder'.

Teacher Headaches

The teacher walked into the classroom to find words like "cunt" and "cock" scrawled all over the blackboard.
"Children," she said, addressing the classroom, "you are much too young to use vile language like that.
Now we're all going to close our eyes and count up to fifty.
Then, while our eyes are closed, I want the little boy or girl who wrote those words on the board to tiptoe up and erase them."
At the signal, the teacher and the children all closed their eyes.
Then the teacher counted out loud, very slowly.
When she reached fifty, she said, "All right. Everybody open their eyes."
All eyes went to the blackboard. None of the words were erased.
But below them was the message: "Fuck you, teacher! The Phantom strikes again!"

But it's not from any man in this office

A blonde, a brunette and a red head are in the copy room of their office building when the red head goes over to the corner of the room.

She stands with a puzzled look on her face for a second then says 'This looks like a semen stain'.

The brunette walks over to look as well as touch the stain. She says 'Looks and feels like semen.'

The blonde comes over, looks at, touches, then tastes the stain. She says 'looks like it, feels like it and tastes like it, but it's not from any man in this office.'

Authentic Skull of Saint Patrick

An American tourist traveling in Limerick came across a little antique shop in which he was lucky enough to pick up, for a mere £150, the skull of Saint Patrick. Included in the price was a certificate of the skull's authenticity, signed by Saint Patrick himself.
Ten years later the tourist returned to Ireland and asked the antique shop owner if he had any more bargains.
"I've got the very thing for you," said the Irishman. "It's the genuine skull of Saint Patrick".
"You swindler," said the American. "You sold me that ten years ago," and, producing the skull, added, "Look, they're not even the same size".
"You have it all wrong," said the Irishman. "This is the skull of Saint Patrick when he was a lad".

Waist

Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called a waist?

Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

I said get off my lawn

You’ve got to keep that old motor running

It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl.
After a year she went into the hospital to give birth.
The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. “This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?”
He answered, “You’ve got to keep that old motor running.”
The following year she gave birth again.
The same nurse said, “You really are amazing. How do you do it?”
He again said, “You’ve got to keep the old motor running.”
The same thing happened the next year.
The nurse said, “You must be quite a man.”
He responded, “You’ve got to keep that old motor running.”
The nurse then said, “Well, you had better change the oil, this one’s black.”

4-letter words

Rupert and Elaine, a young couple, got married and went happily on their honeymoon.

When they got back, Elaine immediately 'phoned her mother and her mother obviously asked, 'How was the honeymoon, dearest?'

'Oh, Ma,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful. So romantic...'

Then Elaine burst out crying. 'But, Ma, as soon as we returned home Rupert started using the most ghastly language... saying things I've never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Ma.'

'Calm down, Elaine!,' said her mother, 'Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?'

Still sobbing, Elaine whispered, 'Oh, Ma...words like dust, wash, cook, and iron.'

I can't get out of my room

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Rajinikant Google

Rule 34 no exceptions

Regrets

Midget A Team

Hamburger Joke

Facebook Photo

Cheapest Apple Mac

The Black Rider

Mujo comes to the wild west, and tired from his trip, goes to a saloon to have a beer. As soon as he gets in, he sees everybody else leaving in a hurry. He leans on counter and asks the bartender, "What's happening?"

"Don't you know? The black rider will be here in a few minutes."

Mujo asks, "Who the f*ck is the black rider?"

The bartender replies, "I can't believe you don't know. He's the most dangerous guy I've ever seen. You better get lost before he gets here, or god knows what he will do if he finds you here. I'm just about to leave myself"

Mujo thinks, "F*ck the black rider. I'll stay here and have my beer in peace, and when he comes, I'll show him." So there's Mujo all alone in the bar drinking his beer, everybody's gone already, so the whole place is a bit creepy. All of the sudden he hears some steps outside of the saloon, the door opens, and a 6 ft 5" tall man comes in, all dressed in black, black hat, black shirt, black cowboy boots. Mujo can feel his knees tremble - the black rider is here!

The man leans on the counter and says, "Hey, you!"

Mujo stammers, "Wwwhhho mmme?"

"Yes you, come over here" the man demands.

Mujo comes. "Yes, sir, how can I help you sir?" His voice is shaking, and he can barely stand.

The man says, "Blow me."

Mujo thinks, what else can he do -- that's the black rider he's talking to and he can kill him any second, so he starts doing the job .

The man starts moaning.

Muko asks, "Is everything OK sir?"

The man replies, "Yes, it's OK. But just hurry up a bit, the black rider will be here any minute, and then we're both dead."

Diggin a grave

Two privates stationed at Fort Campbell were handed shovels and told to bury a large, dead animal. While digging they got into an argument about what they were burying. “This here’s a big mule!”


“This ain’t no mule, this here’s a donkey.”

“Mule!”


“Donkey!”


Well, this went on for a while until the camp chaplain came by. “What are you boys doing?”


“We’re diggin’ a grave for this mule.”


“Donkey, dammit!”


The chaplain cut in, “Boys, this isn’t either one, it’s an ass.”


An hour later, the camp commander came up and said, “What are you men doing, digging a foxhole?”


“No sir. We’re diggin’ an asshole.”

I'm in love with my horse

"I'm in love with my horse," the nervous man told his psychiatrist.

"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog that we are very attached to."

"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel, ummm... 'physically' attracted to my horse."

"Hmmm," the doctor asked, "Is it male or female?"

"Female, of course!" the man replied. "What do you think I am...GAY???"

It reminded me of a peanut

Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frank Brown showed me his pee-pee today!"

Before the mother could register her concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut"

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mother asked,
"Why? Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No...salty"

I don't DO aerobics

A woman with really hairy underarms boards a crowded bus.
Unable to find a seat, she settles for hanging onto one of the poles.
A drunk man next to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells her, "I love a woman that does aerobics."
The woman replies angrily, "I don't DO aerobics!"
The drunk man then looks at the woman and says, "Then how did you get your leg up so high?"

There must be a very good reason

An angry housewife met her husband at the front door and immediately noticed he smelled of alcohol and perfume.

"I assume," she said with her most acidic sarcasm, "that there must be a very good reason for your coming home at six o'clock in the morning with booze on your breath and another woman's perfume all over you."

"There is," he said. "I'd like breakfast."

Old Rabbi and Young IRS

A young hotshot gets a job with the IRS. His first assignment is to audit an old rabbi.

He thinks he'll have a little fun with the old rabbi, so he says, "Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from the candles?"
The rabbi says, "We send them to the candle factory, and every once in a while they send us a free candle."

The kid says, "And what do you do with the crumbs from your table?"

The rabbi says, "We send them to the matzoh ball factory, and every once in a while they send us a free box of matzoh balls."

The kid says, "And what do you do with the foreskins from your circumcisions?"

The rabbi says, "We send them to the IRS, and every once in a while they send us a little prick like you."

Perfect woman

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the East coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed. "

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away.

Nine Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."

The break up

European Vacation Leads to Hilarious Breakup

They say the key to a healthy relationship is listening to your partner. Never has this been made so starkly evident as in the sad but hilarious story of JD and Em, which is currently burning up the Internet.

While JD claims he talked extensively with his girlfriend about the two-week backpacking trip he was about to take in Europe, she didn't seem to get the message. Below, read the highlights of the two-week chain of unanswered e-mails in which she gets angrier and angrier at his lack of response.

Friday June 1
Hey hun, me again. Tried calling your cell a few times today but it kept going right to voicemail. You're not screening me are you?;)

Sunday, June 3
Why are you not responding to my calls and emails? Where are you?! I waited all night for you to get in touch with me. I'm not happy here babe.

Tuesday June 5
Why are you avoiding me? You're not answering your cell, you won't return my texts.... JD wtf?! I know you're around! Your friend jeremy is such a bullsh***er. When he said he hadn't seen you all weekend I could hear you talking in the background

As JD checks out the old world, the poor guy gets dumped, taken back dumped again and cheated on -- all unbeknownst to him.

Tuesday, June 5
We're through... don't call me, don't text me, don't bother now. You'll never know what you lost, I was the one, and now I feel sorry for you because you'll never have that again. I feel so sorry for you, ha ha ha.

Sunday June 10
Remember that friend of mine that you were jealous of who I said that nuffin ever will happen with well I was crying with him about you and he told me how amazing I was, how he always though so and so I f*****d him to show you I'm right! Now who's the stupid one?

Tuesday June 12
I'm mad and hurt right now. I really felt something between us and now you've gone and thrown it all away and I have no idea why. . . . I know you'll call me tonight. We have a lot to discuss. A lot of bad and good. It may not change things and we may still be broken up, but you at least owe me a conversation. A chance.

Thursday June 14
I tried to reach out to you JD, I really did. But I take back all those nice things I said. I'm glad we're broken up. ... I pretended so many times to like the stupid shows you like, to watch the stupid movies you like, to enjoy spending time with your asinine friends. I've moved on.

The day before JD gets home, Em finally manages to get in touch with his mom, who informs her that he is, in fact, on vacation.

Thursday June 14
subject: OPEN FIRST!!! DO NOT READY ANY OTHER EMAILS!!! If you love me, you will delete every email I've sent you over the past week without reading it.

JD reads the e-mails, effectively ending their relationship.

DOUBLE coverage insurance

Two farmers met on the road one day and began talking.
"My wife is always into these new ideas she hears being advertised," one farmer told the other. "Now she wants to get 'pet insurance' for our cats. Can you believe that?"
"I've heard of that," the other farmer replies.
"Sounds like just another thing to waste money on," the first farmer added.
"How many cats do you have?" the second farmer asked.
"Two," the first replied. "Why?"
"Tell your wife I'll give you DOUBLE coverage insurance on those two cats at no cost," the second farmer offered.
"Wow, that's great!" the first farmer replied, "But how can you provide that? Especially double coverage and at no cost."
"Simple," the second farmer explains. "If anything happens to your two cats, I've got four more out in the barn you can replace them with!"

Divorced Barbie

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir?We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".

The amazed father asks: "It's what?!

Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?" The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer & one of Ken's Friends,

Bear Hunting - Democrats and Republicans

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a ‘Save the Whales’ hat and a ‘To Hell with Bush T-shirt,’ was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear’s chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear’s grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them
threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. ‘I give you my blessing for your brave actions!’ he told them. ‘I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists but now I’ve seen with my own eyes that this is not true.’

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies ‘Who was that guy? ‘It was the Pope,’ another replied. ‘He’s in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom.’ ‘Well,’ the logger said, ‘he may have access to all wisdom but he doesn’t know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive,
or do we need to go back to Seattle and get another one?’

Cussing

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing. The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with a*s." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

I don't know, he blubbers, "but you can bet your a*s it won't be Cheerios!"

Pablo and Paco

One day Pablo and Paco are riding through the desert on their horses.
As they ride along, Pablo smells something horrible.
He stops his horse and turns around.
He says "Hey Paco, you shit your pants?"
Paco says "No, Pablo, I did not shit my pants."
He believes him and they keep riding.
As they go on, the smell gets worse. The smell is so bad, flys begin to swarm.
Pablo stops his horse and turns around.
He then says "Paco, Are you sure you did not shit your pants?"
Pablo says "Yes Pablo, I am sure I did not shit my pants."
He says "Ok."
They keep going and now the smell is getting to be unbearable. Pablo is swatting the flys away.
Pablo stops his horse and gets of his horse.
He then says "Paco, get of your horse. Paco, pull down your pants.
Paco, I thought you said you did not shit your pants?" Paco replies "I thought you meant today!"

Do you have any questions

A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.

The man thought, "Great... he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun, I'll just let him ask and I'll answer."

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said: "Well, son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad:

"How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

House Rent

An ant knocks on the door of a house.

The house owner opens the door.

"I want a place to stay," said the ant.

"I have a vacant room which you can occupy for free of cost," said the owner.

The ant went inside and occupied the vacant room.

After some days, the ant brought in another ant and requested to the owner, "Can you please allow this ant to stay with me?"

"Oh sure, you can do so without paying any rent," said the owner.

After some days the ant brought one more ant and requested the owner to allow the ant to stay with it.

The owner agreed to it without asking for any rent.

This continued as the ant brings in one more and and the owner agrees for it.

One fine day, the ant brought in a tenth ant and requested the owner to allow him also to stay with it.

The owner said, "OK, you can all stay here but you all need to pay rent."

Now the question is: Why did the owner ask for rent when the last ant came in?

















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Because they are now tenants!

You Might Be a Redneck If......

You Might Be a Redneck If......
  • A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.
  • You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
  • You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?"
  • You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
  • You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
  • Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.

One-gun salute

When the very curvaceous female midshipman at the Naval Academy noticed that one of the men she was inspecting during formation had an erection, she said to him, “And what do you call that trouser bulge, mister?”


The sailor looked her straight in the eye as he replied, “It’s a one-gun salute, ma’am.”

K9 Corps

“Are you sure you’ve put me in the Army all right, sir?” asked a volunteer at a recruiting center. “Am I really a soldier now?”


“Of course. Yours is the most famous outfit in the US Armed Forces. What’s the matter with it?”

“Well, I thought there must be some mistake and you put me in the K9 Corps. I’ve been leading a dog’s life ever since.”

NEVER UP, NEVER IN

A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.

The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf. She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest.

"How much is it?" she asked.

"One hundred and fifty dollars," he replied.

She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.

"But it comes with an inscription," he said.

"What kind of inscription?" she asked.

"Whatever you wish," he explained, "but one of the old golfers favorites is, NEVER UP, NEVER IN.'"

"OH, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place!"

Did you know that

Two friends are talking in a bar.

One says to the other, "Did you know that 60% of all men fall immediately asleep after they had intercourse with a woman?"

To which his friend asks, "No, but what about the other 40%?"

Well, he says "The other 40% must first drive home first..."

You'll regret it

A woman with huge breasts was out for a walk when she was jumped by a man holding a gun.

When he motioned for her to take off her blouse, she warned him he'd regret it, but he insisted.
Next he made her take her bra off, and when a giant set of tits popped into view he began to get incredibly excited.

"Take your skirt off," he demanded, ignoring her warnings that he leave off.

So, off came the skirt, and then the panties, revealing an equally huge p*ssy, green and slimy and swarming with bugs.

Shocked and repelled, he stepped back and dropped the gun to the ground.

Grabbing the gun, the woman pointed it at him, smiled broadly, and commanded,
"Eat Me."

Drunk Superman

A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.

The guy sitting next to him can't believe what he just saw. He's more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.

The astonished onlooker asks, "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!"

The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.

The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.

The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all. SPLAT!

The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. "You're really an asshole when you're drunk, Superman."

Bravado

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on a lonesome Texas prarie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

The first one says, “I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands.”

The second cowboy can’t stand to be bested. “Why that’s nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattlesnake slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I’m still here today.”

The third cowboy remained silent, silently stirring the coals with his hands.

WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL

At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Master Carlos? This is Arnaldo your country house caretaker"
"Ah yes, Mr.Arnaldo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?"
"That's the one."
"Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. Oh well...what did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?"
"Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse Mr.Arnaldo?"
"Why, those pure breed ones that you had, sir. They died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house!
A candle fell and then the curtain caught on fire."
"What the.....!!!But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for???"
"For the funeral."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL???!! !!!"
"Your mother's! She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her."

Three nuns

Three nuns were talking. The first nun says, "The other day, I was cleaning Father McInty's room and I found pornographic magazines under his bed!"

The second nun says, "I can top that. Yesterday I was cleaning Father McInty's room and I found some condoms!"

The other nuns asked, "What did you do with them?"

The second nun said, "I poked holes in them."

The third nun fainted.

Thats my Larry

Three ladies are sitting in a bar. All of them have husbands named Larry.
One lady asks, "If you could name your husband after any soda pop, what would it be?"
The first lady thinks for a minute and says, "Moutain Dew, because he can mount and do me anytime."
The second lady thinks for awhile and finally says, "7-Up, because he has seven inches and can always get it up."
The third lady thinks for a long time and finally says, "Jack Daniels."
The other ladies look at her with a confused look and say, "Wait a minute, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor."
The third lady says, "Yep, thats my Larry!"

Willie the Whale and his whale girlfriend

Willie the Whale and his whale girlfriend, Monica, are swimming happily through the ocean when they come upon a boat. On seeing the boat, Willie says, "Hey, I've got a great idea! Let's swim up under that boat and blow out really hard through our blowholes!"

Monica says, "Oh, I don't know..." "Come on, it'll be fun, come on, just this once!", says Willie.

Monica agrees and they swim up under the boat and blow out, capsizing the boat and sending hapless sailors into the briny blue. As they are swimming away, Willie says, "Wow, that was fun, wasn't it? Hey! I've got another idea! Let's swim back there and eat all the sailors!"

To which Monica, exasperated, replies, "Look, I agreed to the blow job, but I'm not swallowing any seamen."

Frank and Bears

Frank was excited about his new rifle, and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was my cousin, and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering it briefly, Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to co-operate.

Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods and he managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

A Little Firefighter

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.


The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice firetruck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.


'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

A Lawyer at pearly gates

A Lawyer dies and goes to heaven. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter. “Hello mate” says St. Peter, “I’m sorry, no Lawyers in heaven.” “What?” exclaims the man, astonished. “You heard, no Lawyers.”

“But, but, but, I’ve been a good man”, replies the Lawyer. “Oh really”, says St. Peter. “What have you done, then ?” “Well” said the guy, “Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 dollars to the starving children in Africa”.

“Oh” says St.Peter. “anything else?” “Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 dollars to the homeless.” “Hmmm. Anything else?” “Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 dollars to the Albanian orphans.”

“Okay”, said St. Peter, “You wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss.” Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.

He looks the bloke in the eye and says, “I’ve had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here’s your thirty dollars back, now beat it.”

I’m NOT happy

There was this man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that took two arms.

One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on the sidewalk below skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and noticed this man didn’t have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly, useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could do it with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again.

He asked "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said "I’m NOT happy; my ass itches."

SWOT Analysis

A married couple was asked to present their SWOT Analysis.

His reply:My *S*trength is my wife. My *W*eakness is my neighbour's wife. My *O*pportunity is when the neighbour goes out. My *T*hreat is when the neighbour comes back unexpected!

Her reply:My *S*trength is my beauty. My *W*eakness our local plumber. My *O*pportunity is when pipes burst. My *T*hreat is when my husband starts reading plumbing "Do It Yourself" book!

Greed

Once upon a time, a woman complained to her doctor that she and her husband never had sex anymore.

So the doctor gave her a bottle of pills and told her to put them in his drink and she would be 'satisfied.'

The woman, somewhat disbelievingly, put one pill in his coffee that evening.

That night they made out. The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night they really got it on.

The next day, she said, "What the hell," and put the entire bottle in.

A few days later, the doctor called to check on her progress.

The woman's son answered the phone.

When the doctor asked how she was doing, the son replied, "Mom's dead; Sis is pregnant; my asshole hurts, and Dad is out naked on the front lawn yelling 'Here kitty, kitty.'"

Facts about women

  • Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.
  • Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
  • Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
  • Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.
  • Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an 'on/off' switch.
  • Women think all beer is the same.
  • Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.
  • Women don't understand the appeal of sports.
  • Women brush their hair before bed.
  • Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.
  • Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.
  • Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 'It's there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?

Sharing Bed

Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The lads go along there, only to be told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.

That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I had the best wank last night."
The guy on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".
The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."

Never been with a woman

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been (sexually) with a woman.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback.
They end up getting married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities.

When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked…and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

“What happened?” she asks.

“I’ve never been with a woman,” he says.

“But if it’s anything like scr**ing a kangaroo, I’m gonna need all the room I can get!”

Yo Mamma is so ugly

Yo Mamma is so ugly,
just after she was born, her mama said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."

Yo Mamma is so ugly,
it makes me wish birth control is retroactive.

Yo Mamma is so ugly,
Rice Krispies won't talk to her.

Yo Mamma is so ugly,
she can look up a camel's butt and scare the hump off of it.

Yo Mamma is so ugly,
people hang her picture in their cars so their radios don't get stolen.

Slow reader

A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull.

She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull. "It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it." She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer."

The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $.75 per word." She thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one word, please." "And what word would that be?" inquires the man.

"Comfortable." replies the brunette.

The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but how is your friend gonna understand this telegram?"

The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow, when she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL."