Really gorgeous receptionist

When Dan came in for the results of his routine physical, the doctor said gently, "Dan, you'd better sit down. I've got some good news and some bad news."

"Okay," said Dan, taking a seat, "give me the bad news first."

"well," said the doctor, "you've only got three weeks to live."

"Jesus!, gasped Dan, wiping the sweat from his brow. "What the hell's the good news?"

"You know that really gorgeous receptionist out in the front office?"

"You Bet!" answered Dan.

"The one with the body that won't quit?"

"Right.."

"And the blond hair and baby blue eyes--"

Yeah, yeah..." interrputed Doug, "What's the good news?"

Leaning forward, the doctor whispered with a grin, "I'm sleeping with her!"

A mother and a baby camel

A mother and a baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel asked,

"Mom, why do we have these huge three-toed feet?"

The mother replied, "Well son, when we trek across the desert, our toes will help us stay on top of the soft sand."

Two minutes later the young camel asked, "Mom, why do we have these long eyelashes?"

"They are there to keep the sand out of our eyes on the trips through the desert," the mother said.

"Mom, why have we got these great big humps on our back?"

"They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods of time."

"So we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes, and these humps to store water."

"Yes dear," said the mother.

"So why are we in the Lahore Zoo?"

Pastors and Mice

Three Pastors were having lunch together at a diner.

The first Pastor said: "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with mice in my church. I've tried everything. Noise, spray, cats. Nothing seems to scare them away."

The second Pastor then said: "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in the basement of the church. I've set traps and even called an expert to get rid of them, yet they still won't go away."

With a grin on his face, the third Pastor said: "I had the same problem so I baptized all mine and made them members of the church ... Haven't seen one back since!"

Don't cum without me

Once upon a time these 2 gay guys were screwing when the doorbell rang. The one in the back said, "Don't cum without me; I'm going to go get rid of whoever this is."

The 'front' guy said he wouldn't. So, the 'back' guy comes back from answering the door to find cum shot ALL over the room, the bed, the dresser, etc.

He yelled, "I told you not to cum without me!"

The second guy said, "I didn't; I farted."

That time of the month

A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."

She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."

They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.

She says, "Answer the door."

He says, "But my face is a mess."

She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."

He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."

The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."

Falling Blonde

One day, a blonde who lived on the 12th floor of a high-rise apartment building was out on her balcony, flapping the bed sheets to air them out, when suddenly a great gust of wind caught the sheets and sent her over the edge, plummeting to her death.. "Oh, sh*t!" the woman thought, "what a stupid way to die."

Without warning, a man on the 10th floor balcony stuck his arms out into the air, catching the woman. Delirious from shock, the woman shouted "Oh, thank you! You saved my life, thank you!"

The man replied "Do you suck?" Stunned at this, the woman said "No, I don't suck!"

And with that, the man let go of her in the air. "Sh*t!" the woman thought as she began to plummet again. Suddenly, another set of man's arms grabbed her on the 9th floor.

"Thank God!" she screamed. " I would have died except that!" The man asked "Do you f*ck?" Absolutely aghast at the question, the woman answered "No, I don't f*ck!"

Once again, the arms that held her safe were no longer there. Falling again, the woman thought that she would surely die. Just then, a set of arms stretched out from the 7th floor. Not believing her luck, the woman shouted "I suck! I f*ck!"

"Sl*t..." the man said....and dropped her.

Mother-in-law

The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help.
"My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop.
"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"
"I recognized the laugh!" he replied.

Chuck Norris Zombie

Goat Thief

Farmer Azmat slaughtered a goat and hung it up for the night, intending to butcher it in the morning, but the next day it was gone.

He didn't tell a soul about it, and nothing happened for more than two months.

Then another farmer, who lived down the road, came by and said, "By the way Azmat, did you ever find out who stole your goat?"

"Nope," said Azmat. "Not until just now."

Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex counted

These list of rules can also be very helpful to determine if you have cheated on your spouse or significant other.
  1. Oral Sex does not count.
  2. If you can't remember the person's name the following day... it doesn't count...
  3. If you failed to call the person back to have more sex...it doesn't count...
  4. If neither of you achieved orgasm...it doesn't count...
  5. Sex with a friend...it doesn't count...it's just another thing you share...
  6. If the act was so lame, you leave thinking "Did I shave my legs for this"...it doesn't count...
  7. An old flame...it doesn't count...
  8. An ex-spouse...it doesn't count, refer to this as a "pity fuck".
  9. Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same, sorry, not sex...it doesn't count...
  10. Cyber-sex - NO WAY - this is glorified masturbation...it doesn't count...
  11. 2 heterosexual women having fun, not sex...it doesn't count...
  12. Kissing body parts is not cheating...it doesn't count...
  13. An act to make a married person feel good about themselves, not sex, BUT only if you do not know their significant other...it doesn't count...
  14. An act committed while you were intoxicated...it doesn't count.
  15. An act committed with a family member of your significant other...it doesn't count...this should be referred to as "a skeleton in the family closet".
  16. Acts committed in a public place...it doesn't count...(why should it, it was public right?)
  17. Phone sex...it doesn't count...(refer back to "glorified masturbation")
  18. In car...it doesn't count...way too cramped...if vehicle is in motion and has a console or stick shift...this counts...way too kinky and erotic not to count, unless the act was totally oral, then refer back to rule 1...
  19. An act committed in which the female of the encounter did not achieve total satisfaction (orgasm)...it doesn't count.
  20. An act committed in which total bodily fluids have not been exchanged (pull'n pray method of birth control)...it doesn't count...
  21. An act in which no kissing takes place...it doesn't count... (not considered to be intimate)
  22. An act in which "you do all the work"...it doesn't count.
  23. An act committed with your next door neighbor...it doesn't count, this should be referred to as "being neighborly".
  24. An act committed with an acquaintance because you are angry with your significant other...it doesn't count.
  25. An act which only happens on a random basis...it doesn't count, this should be considered " getting aquatinted "...
  26. An act with a US President...it doesn't count, unless the Senate votes impeachment...
  27. An act with your boss...it doesn't count, just considered career enhancement; and/or additional employee benefits.

Attention Ladies!

Attention Ladies! Want to truly understand your man? Just
simply match the questions of "What A Man Says" with
"What A Man Wants". Give yourself one point for each
correct answer!

"What A Man Says"
1. "These flowers are for you."
2. "Can I have your number?"
3. "You look beautiful."
4. "I've enjoyed tonight."
5. "What we have is special."
6."I love you."

"What A Man Wants"
A. Sex
B. Sex
C. Sex
D. Sex
E. Sex
F. Sex

Something to hold on

A man goes to a dentist to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.

"No way! No needles! I hate needles," the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas.

The man objects again: "I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection," the patient says. "I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says: "Here's a Viagra tablet."

The patient says: "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth!"

Life of an MBA graduate

Dear Diary,

I can't hold myself down. My FIRST day on the job!!
And I like it already.

"Assistant Junior Deputy to the Vice Chairman - Manufacturing". My dad was thrilled when he heard my designation.

"What the f!@#!!!" were his exact words. Oh I love it when my parents are happy...

Need to meet HR in half an hour. I can't wait to get my first Employee ID Card and cubicle. I hope Parthasarathy Whatayblouse Crappers (PWC) is the beginning of great things.

P.S. I have brought my favorite textbooks back from the institute OD, OM and HR should help me grow rapidly in the organization. And I WILL handle soft issues before facing hard issues here at PWC.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

July 28th

Dear Diary,

Had a lot of fun with HR yesterday. The guy who had recruited me had left a month ago. So they didn't know I was joining. We had a hearty laugh over that one.

I'll get my cubicle in a few days time. For the time being I am sharing a nice one with Claire. She's with Corporate Communication.

The phone doesn't work though... 


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

August 2nd

Dear Diary,

Met my boss today. He spent a lot of time with my CV and then asked me how I managed to get a job with them. (Even he knows how lucky they are to get me..) He told me to review our material ordering system in the err... umm... the... the "big yellow and blue noisy machine section" of the plant.

Claire is working on an "Our Employees Love Us"
campaign. The office boy had just resigned. So she got me to pose with an apron and a tray of cookies for a photo. They are going to call me Ramon and use it for ads. I am going to be famous. 


-----

August 7th

Dear Diary,

My first breakthrough. I have decided to order nickel ball bearings using the EQO.. QEO... whatever formula.
It takes into account item cost, holding cost and weight of ball bearing I think. The purchase guy gave me a funny look when he saw my annual requisition contract form. He is obviously not an MBA...

Claire resigned today. She told me carry on with the "Our Employees Love Us" campaign.

P.S. Lesson for the week. You cannot order 0.7564 of a ball bearing. It has to be in whole numbers. 


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

August 11th

Dear Diary,

I just got a shipment of 4384 ball bearings. I checked up with Engineering.

They said that should be enough for around 14 years of requirement. I gave them 3 and stashed away the rest in a cupboard in my room. If prices of ball bearings go up, I see a lot of potential savings.

I have decided to develop informal channels of communication. From tomorrow I will spend a little time next to the coffee machine to understand the unspoken messages within the underbelly of the firm.

(That OD book is good) 


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

August 14th

Dear Diary,

I sent my first official letter today. It was to our Facilities manager Merry Le Bian. She is a hottie. I told her that the Coffee Machine takes too much time to reheat between refills. Wrote it in a WAC format and all with a table of contents and everything. She
is sure going to be impressed!! I spell checked it in MS word and emailed it to her an hour ago. No reply yet.

They scrapped the "Our Employees Love Us" campaign. The photo shoot was taking up too much time, and people were being forced to stay late without extra pay. Someone finally went and vandalised the banner. It now reads "Our Employers Shove Us". I offered to model for all the snaps and videos. They called me a dickhead. I was delighted. Dickhead is internal slang for "Big Stud". HR told me. Everyone calls me that...

P.S. One more shipment of ball bearings came. Again 4384. The contract can't be changed now. I dont have too much space left in my cupboard. 


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

August 25th

Dear Diary,

My letter came back. It had a pink post-it on it from Merry. "Please proofread" it said. It was CC'd to my boss. How was I supposed to know MS Word would spell check her name and change it to Merry Lesbian????!!!!

Where's natural justice?

Today five minutes before a meeting the cupboard door broke open. It took me ten minutes to pick up all the ball bearings from the floor. I had to run to the board room for the meeting and slipped on a bearing which rolled under the door. I fell on the coffee
machine and tipped coffee powder into the polymer mixing matching tray. No one saw anything.

P.S. Sorry for the long break. My computer crashed. There was a mail from an old friend. She's now married into the Welchia family I think.

Crashed after that. Strange name that Welchia... 


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

September 2nd

Dear Diary,

My boss told me I may not last the probation period. I was mighty thrilled to hear that. Imagine!! Permanent in less than three months!!

That should be some sort of company record.

I made a presentation to all the staff yesterday. Some 300 people were there. I think I sent good vibes. Everyone was smiling and nodding their heads during the presentation. Someone later told me my fly was open the whole time. But I don't think anyone noticed. The presentation was on "An Open Culture: Let the feeling show!!"

p.s. 17156 ball bearings. I floated a scheme to give each employee a ball bearing for every year of service. The HR manager immediately convened a meeting with my boss. Every suggestion counts here at PWC. 


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

September 4th

Dear Diary,

I have been transferred to the office in Sub-Saharan Africa. I will be heading the Room Heater and Hot Water Geyser products division. They have also told me to pay for all the ball bearings I bought. I think it speaks much of the entrepreneurial spirit. I have been told to leave immediately for Kujumbinana.

P.S. A foreign posting in under a year!!! 


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

September 5th

Dear Diary,

I am in Kujumbinana. We don't have a branch here...


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AND THE STORY GOES ON.....
 

Second fiddle

The husband was angry when he found out that his wife had been cheating on him.

He shouts at her, "I will play second fiddle to no one!"

The wife replies, "Second fiddle? With your little flute you are lucky you are still in the band!"

Those sheep are lying

A traveling salesman goes to a farm house.
The farmer goes, 'I could put you up for one night, but you'll have to stay in the barn.'
So he spends the night there and the next morning the farmer comes in,
he goes, 'Were you comfortable?' He goes, 'I had a great time; I talked to all the animals.'
He goes, 'You talked to the animals?' He goes, 'Yeah I spoke to the chickens, they say you collect the eggs every morning exactly at five minutes after six.'
He goes, 'That's exactly right.' He says, 'The horse tells me his name is Otis, you've owned him for 10 years.'
He goes, 'That's incredible.'
And he goes, 'I spoke to the cow, the cow says that her name is Elsie and you milk her every morning at exactly 8:30.
And then I spoke to the sheep.' And the farmer goes, 'Those sheep are lying.'

Wise old gentleman

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The following afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. Used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession is really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.

A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

Dilbert Quotes

63% of all statistics are made up... including this one.

Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

All of your co-workers are fools. You must learn to pity and tolerate them.

An optimist is simply a pessimist with no job experience.

And bring me a hard copy of the Internet so I can do some serious surfing.

Change is good. You go first.

Consultants have credibility because they are not dumb enough to work at your company.

Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.

Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.

Feedback is a business term which refers to the joy of criticizing other people's work. This is one of the few genuine pleasures of the job, and you should milk it for all it's worth.

Redneck Fire Alarm

Pregnancy and Childbirth Advice

Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.

Q. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after finishing high school.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A. Childbirth.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A. So what’s your question?

Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you’re pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.

Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.

Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife act normal again?
A. When your child is in college.

Rejection line and what they actually mean

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).

5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

....and the number 1 rejection line given by women

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing)

Two blonde genies

A guy is walking around the beach when he discovers a bottle with a cork. He picks it up, opens the cork, and out come two blonde genies. The genies grant him three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100.00 bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are two persons dressed in Klu Klux Klan outfits.

They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead.

The Klansmen walk off. As they are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one:

"Hey, I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire, but to be hung like a black man is beyond me.

Polish Blonde

A blonde goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."

The clerk looks at her and says, "Are you Polish?"

The blonde, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican?“

The clerk says, "Well, no."

"Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, " Because you're at Home Depot."

Brokeback Spiders

A man and his young daughter were walking around outside. The man marveled at how smart his child was and how innocent her take on nature was.

As he walked with her towards the park he turned and noticed she had stopped. He walked towards her, wondering what wonderful thing in nature had caught her eye.

As he got closer he noticed she was watching two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" She asked.

"Those spiders are mating, honey."

"Well what is the spider on top called daddy?" The daughter continued to watch in amazement.

"A daddy long legs."

"Is the spider on the bottom called a mommy long legs?" The little girl asked.

The father chuckled at her take on life and replied, "No sweety, that is also a daddy long legs."

The daughter pauses a moment before smashing her foot on top of them.

Bewildered her father asked, "Why did you do that?"

The little girl replied, "We don't need any of that brokeback mountain shit going on here!"

Lost my grandpa

A small boy was lost at the Mall of America. The six-year-old approached a uniformed policeman and tearfully told him, "I've lost my grandpa." The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy thought for a moment and replied, "Vodka on the rocks and women with big tits."

Gorilla Removers

A man wakes up one morning and there's a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his nuts and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog!

Blind man in Texas

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.
When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!"
The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar.
Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands.
He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located.
The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."
The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door.
Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!

Break-up

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women that he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your pictures and send the rest back."

Difference between how to impress a woman and how to impress a man

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
  1. compliment her, 
  2. cuddle her, 
  3. kiss her, 
  4. caress her, 
  5. love her, 
  6. stroke her, 
  7. tease her, 
  8. comfort her, 
  9. protect her, 
  10. hug her, 
  11. hold her, 
  12. spend money on her, 
  13. wine & dine her, 
  14. buy things for her,
  15. listen to her, 
  16. care for her, 
  17. stand by her, 
  18. support her, 
  19. go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
1.Show up naked and Bring beer.

Sore throat and laryngitis

Jenny's friend Debbie was at work complaining about a sore throat and laryngitis.

"When I have that I always give a blow job to my husband and the next day I'm better, you should try it."

Next day Debbie comes in singing.

"How did it go?" enquires Jenny.

"Brilliant" says Debbie, "your husband couldn't believe it was your idea!"

The Robinson's

A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost.
Finally he spots 2 houses so he goes up to the first house and looks in the door way.
He sees an old lady yanking on her boobs and an old man jerking off.
He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says ,
"What's up with your neighbors?"
and the owner of the house says
"Oh that's the Robinson's, they're both deaf. She's telling him to go milk the cow and he's telling her to go f*ck herself!"

I rang the doorbell

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again.
So she put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),MUST NOT BEAT ME,MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

Two days later the doorbell rang. She opened the door, and much to her dismay, there sat a gray-haired gentleman in a wheel chair.
He had no arms or legs. "Are you responding to my ad?" the woman asked. "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?"
"Yes, I am," the man replied. The old lady sneered: "Just look at you. You have no legs !
"The old gentleman smiled and said: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
"You don't have any arms, either!" she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled, and softly replied: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"She raised an eyebrow and asked intently:
"Are you still good in bed?" The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
The wedding is set for Saturday.

If Nasa needs Money

Crap Encyclopedia

Every once in a while each of us experiences a perfect crap. It's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is the smooth-sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver.

But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet paper only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.

On the other hand (so to speak) there is:

The Beer Crap
Talk about nasty craps. Depending on the crapper's tolerance, the beer crap is the result of too many beers. It could have been two or 22, it doesn't matter.
What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy crap accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.

The Chilli Crap
Hot when it goes in and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chilli crap stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.

The Cable Crap
Long, curly and perfectly formed like two feet of telephone coaxial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, 'Did I do that? Where did it come from?' You leave the toilet pleased with yourself.

The Latrine Crap
In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it - where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to crap. Tip: don't ever look down the hole.

The Mona Lisa Crap
This is the masterpiece of craps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make Da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid camera, but maybe that's going too far.

The Empty Roll Crap
You're done... you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains... no, someone would say, 'Where are the curtains?' Then what would you say. The rug? Too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every 'empty roll crapper' must face... pull up your daks, tighten your arse and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.

The Splash Back Crap
You send the crap on its way; it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed. Tip: blot instead of wipe.

The Aborted Crap
You are in mid-crap when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off; go for the phone and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you've gotta do.

The Caesarean Crap
Pain, that's what this crap and childbirth have in common. It's simply a case of too much crap trying to go through too small a hole and there's no obstetrician to help.

The Alfresco Crap
Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambience that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of Brownies or a patch of poison ivy.

The Tijuana Trot Crap (also known as Delhi Belly, Rabat Runs, Seskatchewan Squits, Balsall Heath Balti Bypass)
The phrase 'shit happens' really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you'd be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position.

The Machine Gun Crap
You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran - cradling his umbrella like an AK47.

The Sound Effect Crap
You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or workmates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects:
1. Flush the toilet.
2. Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem.
3. Drop a handful of change on the floor.

The Security Crap
You have enough on your mind when you're in the toilet without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-crap mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you can't reach to do this... hum loudly.

The Cling-On Crap
For the most part you've completed your crap, but there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone else wants to use the toilet. So you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors.

Rajinikanth Jokes across the web

One raw material

The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.

Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone."

The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?"

"Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"

Indecent Proposal

Amber walked into an antique shop and noticed a beautiful set of glasses. However, they cost $25 more than she could afford. So, she asked the owner if he was prepared to give her a discount.

The owner said she could have the glasses for free if she was prepared to suck half of his dick. Amber declined, and stormed out of the shop. After thinking about the beautiful glasses, she returned an hour later, and agreed to take him up on his offer.

He unzipped his pants and Amber began sucking the head of his dick.

"Half a dick, right?" said Amber.

"Yeah," he replied, suddenly revealing the full length of his massive tool.

Amber yelled: "Hold on, you said half!"

He replied: "That's right, but I didn't say which f*cking half!"

Missionary

Lord of the Rings

Its a trap

Have you ever been so mad

Priorities

Female Hormones In Beer!

Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.

The Great Gambler

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

Faith, Trust, Hope, Confidence and Over Confidence

1. Once, all villagers decided to pray for rain, on the day of prayer all the People gathered but only one boy came with an umbrella...
THAT'S FAITH

2. When you throw a baby in the air, she laughs because she knows you will catch her...
THAT'S TRUST

3.Every night we go to bed, without any assurance of being alive the next Morning but still we set the alarms in our watch to wake up...
THAT'S HOPE

4. We plan big things for tomorrow in spite of zero knowledge of the future or having any certainty of uncertainties. ..
THAT'S CONFIDENCE

5. We see the world suffering. We know there is every possibility of same or similar things happening to us. But still we get married??...
THAT'S OVER CONFIDENCE!!

Punctuation Joke

An English professor wrote the following words


"A woman without her man is nothing"

on the board and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

All the males in the class wrote:

"A woman, without her man, is nothing."

All the females in the class wrote:

"A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Punctuation is powerful

Camel Toe and Show Your Tits Street

Carrot for Nose

Filter Whiskey

There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.

And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass. Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time. "Shawn," said Pat, "can you hear me?"

Faintly, Shawn replied, "Yes, Paddy, I can." Bashfully, Pat started, "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?"

"Yes, I do Patty," Shawn strained. "And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said Pat.

"Yes Patty, I do," whispered Shawn.

"It's a very "old" bottle now, you know," urged Pat.

"And what are you gettin' at Pat?" asked Shawn, briskly.

"Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?

Punishment in Hell

Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment.

First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room. The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire.

The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has an really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde.

The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room.

The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says "okay, you can stop now. You've been relieved".

An hour to Spend

After two weeks of basic training, the drill sargent lined up his troops and asked them each who they would like to spend an hour with if given the chance right now. Several soldiers answered thier mothers, thier girlfreinds, etc. Then the sargetnt came upona unique answer.

Sargent: Private, who would you most like to be alone with for an hour?

Private: my *&*^$% recruiter, sir!

Cooler without wearing any panties

Two girls were walking down the sidewalk on a hot summer day.

They come upon this old lady sitting on steps in front of her house eating watermelon.

They notice that she wasn't wearing any panties. So they ask her if its cooler without wearing any panties.

She said, "I don't know if it's cooler, but it sure keeps the flies off the watermelon."

Satan

The local minister of a large congregation was having church services early one Sunday morning. As he was doing so, in walked Satan dressed to the hilt. Fire was shooting out of his eyes, smoke was coming out of his nostrils, and he left burning footprints wherever he walked. The members of the congregation were so alarmed that they all ran out of the church in hopes of saving their souls.

But in the corner sat a slim little old man in his eighties. Satan walked up to him with fire all around him. "Are you not afraid of me?" Satan said in a deep voice.

"No, I am not," said the old man calmly.

"And why not?" asked Satan.

The old man looked at him and said, "I have been married to your sister for 60 years!"

Animals?

A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions. "Professionally employed?" he asked.

"We're a military family," the wife answered.

"Children?"

"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.

"Animals?"

"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."

Vaginal fluids

Backpack Joke

Humiliation Joke

A lovely bunch of coconuts

Battle SHEEP

FAQ's for women

The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most frequently asked questions of women (i.e.relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behavior in accordance with the truths established below.

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not as emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question.
Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay"?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.

Giving More Than 100%!

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

What makes life 100%?

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,

B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, and bullshit will put you over the top.

But, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

A Navy Chief and an Admiral

A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some aftershave to slap on their faces.

The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

Big chief, no fart

An old Indian was suffering wind problems, so he told his apache servant to go to the doctor on his behalf.

When he got there he told the doctor: "Big chief, no fart."

So the doctor gave him some tablets and told him to come back in a week.

The next week the servant returned. "Big chief, no fart," he said again. The doctor sighed and gave him some stronger tablets, telling him to come back in a month.

A month later he returned again,"Big chief, no fart," he repeated. Getting impatient, the doctor gave him some super strength tablets and told him to come back in a year.

One year later the servant came back and announced "Big fart, no chief".

Gold Watch

The American ambassador visited the Molvanian president. In the waiting room he talked with two of the ministers for five minutes.

When he entered he said to the president, "I really don't want to bother you but I talked with two of your ministers, and my gold watch has disappeared."

So the president answered, "OK. I'll take care of it," left the room and came back two minutes later with the watch.

The ambassador said, "Thank you very much," said the ambassador. "I hope that I didn't cause any crisis between you and them."

"That's OK," said the president. "They did not notice."

Japenese, Chinese and Jewish Samurai

Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a message to one and all that he was searching for one. A year passes and only 3 people show up, a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.

The emperor asks the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opens a match box and out>pops a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces.

The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then asks the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate. The Chinese Samurai opens a match box and out pops a fly. Whoosh whoosh. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces. "That is really impressive."

The emperor then has the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai thinks, if it works for the other two, why not try. Whoooooooossshhh. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around.

The emperor says in disappointment, "why is the fly not dead?" The Jewish Samurai replies, "If you look closely, the fly has been circumcised!"

'Buddy' - The Pulling Horse

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help his with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitced Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, Pull!", but Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!", but buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!", still nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" and the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

Osama Bin-Laden will die on an American holiday

Osama Bin-Laden started believing in astrology and went to a special astrologist to ask him when will be the day he dies.
"You will die on an American holiday", said the astrologist.
"How can you be so sure of that?" asked Bin-Laden.
"Well, any day you die will be an American holiday".

Things to know about Chuck Norris !!!!!!!

  • What happens when you cross Chuck Norris? You Die
  • Chuck Norris can spell roundhouse kick with five letters: death
  • Chuck Norris puts the "fun" in "funearal
  • Chuck Norris reflects mirror
  • Chuck Norris doesn't use white out. He just blows the error off the page
  • A Chinese proverb once said that everything must excist with an opposite...except for Chuck Norris
  • Some magicans can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land
  • Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn, he dares his grass to grow
  • Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience
  • Chuck Norris can light a fire by rubbing two ice-cubes together
  • Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as Giraffes
  • There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live
  • They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem: It wouldn't take shit from anybody
  • Chuck Norris put out a forest fire. using only gasoline
  • Chuck Norris has a Myspace account... on Facebook
  • Chinese tried to copy Chuck, but it came out smaller and weaker, so they named it Jackie
  • Google won’t search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don’t find Chuck Norris, He finds you…

New room please

After a heavy night at the pub, a drunk decides to sleep it off at a local hotel. He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite.

Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed. "But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel." "I insist on another room!!!" said the drunk.

"Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk. "Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question.

If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my grade as it is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterward, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

Beer Troubleshooting

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to gent’s room, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training. Demand beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

How To Come Home Drunk?

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up, and yells at me for staying out so late!

"His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say, WHO'S HORNY???? and .............
she acts like she's sound asleep!"

Works Every Time!

Human Resource Lingo

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Stanley the Sperm

Stanley the Sperm decided he was going to be "the one". He practiced swimming every day, trying to build up his speed and endurance. He also started asking all kinds of questions. "How will I know the egg? What does it look like? What does it smell like?"

One crusty old sperm who never made it out took a liking to Stanley. "Well", he said, "legend says the egg is easy to spot. She is big and round and the smell is heavenly. It is like a combination of all the flowers in the world and the scent is just overpowering. You can't miss her. They say you should just hit her head on and if she accepts you, you will be drawn in and together you will form a new person. "

The time came and Stanley felt himself being propelled down the shaft and into the void. He swam and swam, leading his fellow sperm by several lengths. Finally he rounded a corner and spotted the egg. Big and round, just like he had been told and dead ahead.

Shouting "I am Stanley the Sperm", he built up even more speed and rammed the egg head first. He immediately backed out spitting and snorting. "You smell like sh*t!!" he exclaimed.

Prison's Not Such a Bad Place

It's a convict's first day in prison; he's a young convict and here's there crying.
An older convict sits down and goes, 'Look, calm down, prison's not such a bad place.
Like, for instance, do you like movies?' And he goes, 'Yeah I like movies.'
He goes, 'Every Monday we show a movie on the screen, first run movie.' He goes, 'That's great.'
He goes, 'And you like baseball?' He goes, 'Yeah.'
'Every Tuesday we arrange a baseball game.' He goes, 'That's terrific.'
And he goes, 'You like Italian food?' And he goes, 'Yeah I love Italian food.'
He goes, 'In the cafeteria on Wednesday, it's all Italian food.
Let me ask you one more thing. Are you a homosexual?' And he goes, 'No.'
He goes, 'Eh, you're not going to like Thursday.'

Lawyer at the stop sign in Texas

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston , TX .

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer...

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy License and registration, please.'

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats..

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket... If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the shit out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

Sahara Forest

A Canadian lumber camp advertises for a lumberjack. A skinny little guy shows up at the camp the next day carrying an axe.

The head lumberjack takes one look at the puny little guy and tells him to get lost.

"Give me a chance to show you what I can do," says the skinny guy.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" says the head lumberjack. "Take your axe and cut it down."

The guy heads for the tree, and in five minutes he's knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," says the guy.

The lumberjack can't believe his eyes and says, "Where did you learn to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," says the puny man.

"You mean the Sahara Desert," says the lumberjack.

"Sure......That's what they call it now!"

Prostate Exams

Backup

Funny Computer Questions

A woman called the Hewlett-Packard (HP) help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was “running it under Windows.” The woman responded, “No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.”

Tech Support: “How much free space do you have on your hard drive?”
Customer: “Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?”

Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: “I’d like a mouse mat, please.”
Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we’ve got a large variety.”
Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”

Customer: “Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?”
Customer: “So that’ll get me connected to the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Yeah.”
Customer: “And that’s the latest version of the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Uhh…uh…uh…yeah.”

Customer: “My computer crashed!”
Tech Support: “It crashed?”
Customer: “Yeah, it won’t let me play my game.”
Tech Support: “Alright, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.”
Customer: “No, it didn’t crash — it crashed.”
Tech Support: “Huh?”
Customer: “I crashed my game. That’s what I said before. Now it doesn’t work.”
Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.
Tech Support: “Click on ‘File,’ then ‘New Game.’”
Customer: [pause] “Wow! How’d you learn how to do that?”

EYE KNEE - THE RAKE

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower.
The man realizes that he can't find the rake.
He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"
She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?"
The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion.
The wife is not sure and says, "What? and the man repeats his gestures. "EYE KNEE - THE RAKE"
The wife replies that she understands and signals back.
She first points to her eye, next she points to her left bre*st, then she points to her butt, and finally to her cro*tch.
Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one.
Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her "What in the hell was that?"
She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH"

The Twelve Days of a Redneck Christmas

On my first day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
Some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my second day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my third day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my forth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my fifth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
5 TURKEY WINGS
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my sixth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my seventh day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my eighth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my ninth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
9 years probation
8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my tenth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
10 Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my eleventh day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
11 rasslin tickets
10 Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my twelfth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,

12 pack of Bud
11 rasslin tickets
10 Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

Sharks!!

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?

Why did we swim around and around them?

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

Masturbation Joke

Erection Joke

I want my breakfast served

The first morning after the honeymoon, the husband got up early, went down to the kitchen, and brought his wife her breakfast in bed. Naturally, she was delighted.

Then he spoke: "Have you noticed just what I have done?"

"Of course, dear. Every single detail!"

"Good. That's how I want my breakfast served every morning."

Eastern or Pacific

I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open.
I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

Interesting Management Story

It’s a fine sunny day in the forest and a lion is sitting outside his cave, lying lazily in the sun. Along comes a fox, out on a walk.

Fox: “Do you know the time, because my watch is broken”
Lion: “Oh, I can easily fix the watch for you”

Fox: “Hmm… But it’s a very complicated mechanism, and your big claws will only destroy it even more.”
Lion: “Oh no, give it to me, and it will be fixed”

Fox: “That’s ridiculous! Any fool knows that lazy lions with great claws cannot fix complicated watches”
Lion: “Sure they do, give it to me and it will be fixed”

The lion disappears into his cave, and after a while he comes back with the watch which is running perfectly. The fox is impressed, and the lion continues to lie lazily in the sun, looking very pleased with himself.

Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the lazy lion in the sun.

Wolf: “Can I come and watch TV tonight with you, because mine is broken”
Lion: “Oh, I can easily fix your TV for you”

Wolf: “You don’t expect me to believe such rubbish, do you? There is no way that a lazy lion with big claws can fix a complicated TV.
Lion: “No problem. Do you want to try it?”

The lion goes into his cave, and after a while comes back with a perfectly fixed TV. The wolf goes away happily and amazed.

Scene:
Inside the lion’s cave. In one corner are half a dozen small and intelligent looking rabbits who are busily doing very complicated work with very detailed instruments. In the other corner lies a huge lion looking very pleased with himself.

The moral of this story:

•IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY A MANAGER IS FAMOUS; LOOK AT THE WORK OF HIS SUBORDINATES.

Management Lesson in the context of the working world:

•IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY SOMEONE UNDESERVED IS PROMOTED; LOOK AT THE WORK OF HIS SUBORDINATES.

SCHOOL, College and COMPANY...

School:
Two books for one subject.

College:
One book for all subjects.

Company:
Books? what is it? Only follow standards.


School:
A White pipe in teacher's hand - CHALK

College:
A White pipe in student's hand CIGARETTE

Company:
A White pipe in employee's hand 100% CIGARETTE


School:
Most Frequent letter- LEAVE LETTER

College:
Most Frequent letter- LOVE LETTER

Company:
Most Frequent letter- RESIGNATION LETTER


School:
If we go it's boring.

College:
If we don't go it's boring.

Company:
Go/don't go, it's boring

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The Nervous New Priest

A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
  1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
  2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 
  3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 
  4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 
  5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 
  6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
  7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook. 
  8. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.. 
  9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 
  10. We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
  11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say,"Eat me."
  12. The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
  13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
  14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Wake up, son

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52-years-old. And for another, you're the Principal!"

A Trucker and Suicide Girl

A Trucker driving on a bridge noticed an young good looking girl going to jump off the bridge. He stops truck and rushes to save the girl, holds her and asked "What are you doing?".

The girl says, "I am trying to commit suicide and nothing can stop me or save me."

Truck driver was greatly attracted, did not find any solution to save her, asked, "Well before you jump off let us kiss as if there is no tomorrow."

The girl agreed and they kissed and kissed, french style and all.

After she's finished, the trucker says, "Wow! You are a great kisser, You are wasting a great talent. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't support me dressing up in a girl's dress"

Dirty Girlfriend

Is She Wet?

Hooters

Breast Enhancement Cookies

How did the human race start?

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race start?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, And so all mankind was made."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race Was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

Friendship

Friendship Among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next day, she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The husband called his wife's 10 best friends.
Not one of them knew anything about it.

Friendship Among Men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next day, he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house.
The wife called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.

Dracula and Bat

Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side.
So all the bats were honored to take part.
The rules were simple.
Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner?

So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes.
Her mouth was full of blood.
Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?"
The bat said: "Do you see that tower?
Behind it there is a house.
I went in and sucked the blood of all the family".
"Very good" said Dracula.

The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood.
Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?"
The bat replies " Do you see that tower?
Behind it there is a school.
I went in and drunk the blood of all the children".
"Impressive" said Dracula.

Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe.
Dracula is stunned.
"How on earth did you do that????" he asked.
And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?"
Dracula replies with a yes.
And the bat says "Well, I didn't".

Shepherd

There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over.
"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?"
"Sure," said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382". "Wow!" said the herder.
"That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.
Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".
"What is it?" queried the woman.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

Performance review quotes:-

  • I would not allow this employee to breed.
  • This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be.
  • Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
  • When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.
  • He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
  • This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
  • He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
  • This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
  • This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.
  • Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
  • Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.
  • A room temperature IQ.
  • Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.
  • A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
  • A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
  • A prime candidate for natural deselection.
  • Bright as Alaska in December.
  • One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
  • Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
  • Fell out of the family tree.
  • Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
  • Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for it.
  • He's so dense, light bends around him.
  • If brains were taxed, she'd get a refund.
  • If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
  • If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change.
  • If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
  • It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
  • One neurone short of a synapse.
  • Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
  • Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.
  • Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
  • Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
  • His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

Guess what we are eating

Once there was a family who was given some venison by a friend. The wife cooked up the deer steaks, and served it to the husband and children.
The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating.
"Is is beef?" The daughter Katie asked.
"Nope."
"Is it pork?" the son Willie asked.
"Nope."
"Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Willie exclaimed.
"I'll give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."
"Spit it out, Willie!" cried Katie, "We're eating Asshole!!"

Redneck Smart Car

Latest Nokia 8800

Five Dollars Difference

Bestiality

Wrinkles

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.
He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.
"You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed.
"What do you think we ought to do with it?"
With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."

Trivial Pursuit

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science and Nature.

Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

Old Geezers

Three geezers are sitting on a porch in Miami Beach.

Suddenly the first sighs and says, "Gentlemen, isn't life horrible. Here I am at an age that I can afford the best steaks and what? Bad teeth and gums. I have to eat ground or soft foods.

"The second answers, "Yeah, life is a real bummer. Why here I am at an age where I can buy the finest wines, champagne but what? Ulcers, I have to drink milk.

"The third sighs loudly and adds, "Gentlemen, I know exactly what you mean. Last night at 2 am I nudged my wife and asked her if she's interested. She screams at me, "What is wrong with you Sam? We just got finished doing it for the second time tonight!"

After a long pause the first man says, "So what is your problem?"
The third one grunts and says, "Can't you see? My memory is going."