National Condom Week

List of possible slogans promoting national condom week

  1. Cover your stump before you hump
  2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
  3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
  4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
  5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
  6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
  7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
  8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
  9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
  10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
  11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
  12. If you go in heat, package your meat
  13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
  14. When you take off her blouse, zip up your hose
  15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
  16. Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
  17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
  18. The right selection will protect your erection
  19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
  20. A crank with armor will never harm her
  21. No glove, no love
  22. If you're gonna have it off, have it on

What did you see?

What are you looking for?

GIRASS

Santa Blocker

How to start a fight

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started .......


************************************************************************


My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have 5ex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started .......


************************************************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started ........


************************************************************************


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started ......


************************************************************************


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But somehow, I always had something else to take care of first: the shed, the boat, making beer.
It was always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again , I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."


The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


************************************************************************


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked,
"What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started ......


************************************************************************


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and then I discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started .......


************************************************************************


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started .........


************************************************************************


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's licence to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me', and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have got disability, too.'

And then the fight started ......


************************************************************************

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible. I look old,
fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started ........

Singing Telegram

It was Schneider's birthday, and that morning there was a knock on the door.

"Telegram!"

He opened the door excitedly, "Is it a singing telegram?"
Schneider asked the messenger boy.

"No Sir. We don't do singing telegrams anymore."

"I've always wanted a singing telegram. Can't you bend the rules and make an old man happy?"

"Sorry."

"Please," begged Schneider. "Today's my birthday."

"Oh, all right," said the boy,

"Dah-dah dee... dee-dee-dah, your sister Ruth is dead!"

Men's Stages of Life

Drinking
17 - beer
25 - imported beer
35 - vodka
48 - scotch
66 - Maalox

Seduction Line
17 - My parents are away for the weekend.
25 - My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 - My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 - My wife is away for the weekend.
66 - My second wife is dead.

Favorite Sport
17 - sex
25 - sex
35 - sex
48 - sex
66 - napping

Drug
17 - pot
25 - coke
35 - money
48 - power
66 - Viagra

Definition of a Successful Date
17 - "tongue"
25 - "breakfast"
35 - "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 - "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 - "Got home alive."

Favorite Fantasy
17 - getting to third
25 - airplane sex
35 - menage a trois
48 - taking the company public
66 - Swiss maid

House Pet
17 - roaches
25 - stoned-out college roommate
35 - black lab
48 - children from his first marriage
66 - dust bunnies

What's the Ideal Age to Get Married?
17 - 25
25 - 35
35 - 48
48 - 66
66 - 17

Ideal Date
17 - Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 - "Split the check before we go back to my place."
35 - "Just come over."
48 - "Just come over and cook."
66 - "Come over and watch Star Trek re-runs."

Oh, to Be a Kid Again

Decisions were made by saying "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."

Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "Do over!"

"Race issue," meant arguing about who ran the fastest.

Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly."

Catching fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.

It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.

Being old referred to anyone over 20.

The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.

It was magic when Dad would "remove" his thumb.

It was unbelievable that dodge ball wasn't an Olympic event.

Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.

Nobody was prettier than Mom.

Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.

It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.

Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.

Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."

Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.

No shopping trip was complete unless a new toy was brought home.

"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.

Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down would cause giggles.

The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.

War was a card game.

Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.

Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.

Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.

Ice cream was considered a basic food group.

Older siblings were the worst tormentors but also the fiercest protectors.

Received from Steve Sanderson.

Death on Christmas Eve

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

"They're Carol's."

Teachers

A bit crowded

Your not plugged in

One day a man returns home from work to find his wife in bed with another man with his head between her breasts.

He cries, "What the hell do you think you are doing?"

The young man replied, "Listening to music."

The husband pushes the man aside and puts his head between her breast and listens. "I don't hear any music!" says the husband.

To which the man replies, "Your not plugged in."

A Woman's Week At The Gym

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 23 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart
my progress.

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the Hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world Stupid, skinny, anaemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damned barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

Revolting

A woman, while touring a small South American country was shown a bullfight.

The guide told her, "This is our number one sport."

The horrified woman said, "Isn't that revolting?"

"No," the guide replied, "revolting is our number two sport."

Meanings of few words

  1. School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays
  2. Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.
  3. Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills
  4. Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.
  5. Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower
  6. Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
  7. Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
  8. Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
  9. Dictionary: A place where success comes before work
  10. Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on
  11. Father: A banker provided by nature.
  12. Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
  13. Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills
  14. Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read
  15. Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight. and finally -
  16. Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life
  17. Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth

Blonde in a Car

Finally, two men walked up to her.

"I'm out of gas," she purred. "Could you push me to the gas station?"

The men readily put their muscles to the car and rolled it several blocks.

After awhile, one looked up, exhausted, to see that they had just passed a gas station.

"We just passed a station! How come you didn't turn in?" he yelled.

"Oh, I never go there," the girl shouted back. "They don't have full service."

Puzzle

1. Why are 2009 dollar bills worth more than 2008 dollar bills?

2. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?

3. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

4. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

5. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

6. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

7. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

8. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

9. What was the President's Name in 1975?

10. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

11. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

12. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Perfect Hearing

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Top 25 Things Women Want To Hear In 2011

1. Gee Sweetheart, let's skip dinner tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is you.

2. Wow, I just don't know what to do with this money we won in the lottery, so why don't you take it to the mall and see if you can find something to buy with it.

3. Hey, how about inviting your mother to spend the summer with us.

4. Oh, go ahead and eat that third piece of chocolate cream pie. If it's one thing I hate it's skinny women.

5. What luck, they had a special rental rate at the video store on romance movies.

6. How about I give you a nice massage and foot rub. I really don't like sex that much anyway.
(Huh?? - ^v^)

7. You know, that Pam Anderson just doesn't seem to have the brain power that I find so attractive in a woman.

8. What a break, I won a prize on the radio station.... tickets to either the super bowl or the opening of the New York Ballet. I got first choice so pack your bags for New York, we get to go to the ballet!!!

9. Be careful Darling...don't let it go too far down your throat.

10. Who wants to play golf when I can get to see how good the lawn looks when it's freshly mowed.

11. While your up Sweetheart, can you get me a glass of water. I think I've had enough beer.

12. Shoot, there's nothing on TV but football games. Let's go furniture shopping.

13. There ought to be a law against those porno movies. Can you believe that there are guys that would actually want their wives to do those things they show?

14. Man I tell you, nothing feels better than getting all spruced up in a suit and tie.

15. I'm getting a little tired of steak on the grill. How about a nice quiche?

16. You know, I think I'd really prefer the four-door sedan to that impractical Corvette.

17. Look at that... disgusting. Why would she wear a short skirt like that with no panties?

18. Golly I think we're lost. Let me find a gas station to ask for directions.

19. My golf clubs are only 30 years old. Why don't you use the money my parents gave us to get something nice for the house.

20. If the guys call and want me to go to that new strip club with them, tell them I'm busy. I really want to get the living room painted tonight.

21. You know Sweetheart, I'm really glad you don't like doing all those dirty things they write about in those stupid sex advice columns.

22. Sports cars are just such stupid little toys for men who have never really grown up.

23. If you're looking for me later, I'll be over there looking at the home decorating magazines.

24. You know, we really don't visit your relatives enough.

25. Why don't you relax this weekend. I'll take care of the cooking and housework.

A busload of politicians

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field.
The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Were they ALL dead?”
The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know politicans- they say all kind of things.”

If Women Ruled The World

  • PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
  • Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
  • Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.
  • A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.
  • Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.
  • Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
  • "Ms." Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.
  • Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
  • Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
  • Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks"
  • Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women made.
  • Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.
  • Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.
  • Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry", "I love you", "You're beautiful", "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit."
  • Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
  • Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.
  • Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.
  • All toilet seats would be nailed down.
  • Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.
  • TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.
  • All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator
  • During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year olds.
  • Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.
  • After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.
  • For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year olds for six weeks.

Worried Boss

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello ?'

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

'Yes,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, 'No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?' 'Yes'

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, 'No'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

'Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman.'

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

'No, he's busy,' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

'A helicopter' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered,

'The search team just landed a helicopter'

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

'ME.'

Cheating Wife

Dear Abby,

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, 'just some friends from work, you don’t know them.' I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls'. It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the golf shop where I bought it?

Thanks Jim

Little Johnny and Little April

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.

Your Duck is Dead

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot.

The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150.00!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

I can't do that

A policeman pulls a driver over for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow into a breathalyzer.

"I can't do that, officer, I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."

"OK, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."

"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."

"Alright, we could get a blood sample."

"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood, I could die."

"Fine then, just walk this white line."

"Can't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

Seenus

Three men were sitting on a bench in heaven discussing how they died.

The first man said "I died of cancer."

The second man said, "I died of tuberculosis" .

The third man said "I died of seenus".

The first two men said, "No, you mean sinus."

The third man said "No, I mean seenus. I was out with my best friend's wife and he seen us!"

Cheap perfume

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. “How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a $50.00 bottle.

“That’s a bit much,” said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. “That’s still quite a bit,” Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. “What I mean,” said Tim, “is I’d like to see something really cheap.”

The clerk handed him a mirror.

It’s easy

A young woman was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, didn’t want her grandmother to know. 
One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young woman. 
The police had the all the prostitutes line up in a straight line on the sidewalk, just as grandma was passing by.
As soon as she noticed her granddaughter, she stopped and asked her what she was lining up for. 
Not wanting her grandmother to know the truth, the granddaughter told grandma that someone was passing out free oranges and she was lining up for some.
“That sounds good. I think I’ll have some too,” Grandma said, as she made her way to the back of the line. 
A policeman went down the line, questioning all the prostitutes, until he reached grandma. 
Looking very bewildered, he said to her, “You’re so old, how do you do it?”
“It’s easy,” replied Grandma. “I just remove my dentures and suck them dry!”

Old Fart

A woman decided to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $15,000.00 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy the paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," the clerk replies. "I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.
A little while later, she goes into McDonalds and upon getting her order, she asks the girl at the counter the same question. She replies "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47." Now she is feeling really good about herself
While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your breasts. Then I can tell exactly how old you are."
They waited in silence for several minutes, until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the he**, go ahead."
The old man slips both his hands up her shirt, under her bra and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes, she starts squirming and she says, "Okay, okay, that's enough,... how old am I?"
He removes his hands and says, "You are 47."
Stunned!!!! The woman says, "That's amazing, how did you know?"
The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds."

Old Age Alphabet

A's for arthritis,
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains - perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

H is high blood pressure - I'd rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show...
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!

P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus - there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary... big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.

W is for worry - NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found;
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have - in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, and I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!

Ways of the world

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door.

When the farmer answers, she says to him, "It's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?"

"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke."

She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties.. "Okay," she says.

After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"

They say, "Huh?"

She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go it all night long.

Forty years later, Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, "Luke?"
Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"
Jed says, "You remember that blonde woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"

"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."

"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.

"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."

"Me neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."

Male or Female?

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

*FREEZER BAGS*
*They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. *

*PHOTOCOPIERS**
*These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.*

*TYRES**
*Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated*

*HOT AIR BALLOONS*
*Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt. *

*SPONGES**: *
*These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.*

*WEB PAGES*
*Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on. *

*TRAINS**
*Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.*

*EGG TIMERS**: *
*Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.*

*HAMMERS**: *
*Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.*

*THE REMOTE** **CONTROL**: *
*Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this:
It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying *

I Bet I Can

This guy was having a drink in a bar. It didn't escape his notice that the bartender was a very sexy lady.

She came over to chat for a bit and he said, "I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom," as he lay a $10 bill on the bar.

She knew the bathroom was around the corner and accepted his bet. He removed his glass eye and took off to the john.

"Very funny," she said when he returned.

He smiled and said, "Ok, look, let's try another one."

Again, a $10 bill goes down on the table. "I'll bet you I can bite my
own ear."

She matches the $10 and watches unbelievingly as the guy removes his false teeth and clamps them down on his ear.

He grins and said, "All right, one more bet. A chance to win your money back. I bet I can make love to you so tenderly that you won't feel a thing."

Thinking this was something she knew about, she took him by the hand out back behind the bar and lifted her skirt. They went to town.

A few moments later she giggled, "I can feel you."

He kept on pumping and said, "Well, win some, lose some!"

Professional Courtesy

Did you hear about the lawyer on vacation whose sailboat capsized in dangerous, shark-infested waters?

He surprised his traveling companions by volunteering to swim to the far-off shore for help. As he swam, his companions were startled by the appearance of two dorsal fins -- great white sharks, heading straight toward the lawyer.

To their surprise, the sharks allowed the lawyer to take hold of their fins, and they escorted him safely to shore.

When the lawyer returned with help, his companions asked him how he had managed such an incredible feat. The lawyer answered, "Professional courtesy."

Last Wish

Jack is on his death bed, and he says to his wife, "Can you give me one last wish?"
She says, "Anything you want."
He says, "After I die, will you marry Larry?"
She says, "But I thought you hated Larry."
With his last breath, he says, "I do."

Golfing Nun

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed.
'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself!
And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest,
fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said..

'You missed the damn putt, didn't you?'

Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'

Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' She pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'

Things You'd Love To Say Out Loud At Work

  1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
  2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
  3. How about never? Is never good for you?
  4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
  5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
  6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
  7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
  8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
  9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
  10. Ahhh. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
  11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
  12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
  13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
  14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
  15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
  16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
  17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
  18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
  19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
  20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
  21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
  22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
  23. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
  24. Do I look like a people person?
  25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
  26. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
  27. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
  28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
  30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
  31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
  32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
  33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
  34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
  35. Nice cologne. Must you marinate in it?
  36. Chaos, panic, and disorder---my work here is done.
  37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
  38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
  39. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.

Little Johnny get Religious

Little Johnny was walking along the railroad tracks when suddenly he got his foot caught under one of the railroad ties. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck. As he struggled to free his foot, he heard a noise and turned around.

To his horror he saw a train coming.
Panicked he started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop being bad!"
Nothing happened, his foot was still stuck. He looked up to see the train getting closer!

He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop swearing AND being bad!"
Still nothing his foot was wedged tight. The train was just seconds away! Little Johnny struggled frantically as the train's horn blared.

He tried his plea one more time, "God, please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit being bad, I'll stop swearing, AND I'll stop trying to look up little Mary's dress."

Just as the train was about to hit Johnny, his foot broke free and he fell backwards, the train narrowly missing him.

He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said, "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself."

Microsoft word for blondes

Resignation Letter

Dear Sir,

This will confirm my fucking resignation with your fucked up company. I have accepted a lucrative position with a company where being a bitch is not a job prerequisite for managerial skills.

I am looking forward to my new position and the challenges that await me, unlike when I worked with you assholes.

My last day of work will be when you realize I came in late last night and cleaned out my desk, including all the supplies I requested and received last week.

Hopefully, your dumb ass can figure out all the shit I've left undone for the new team, as well as the ongoing projects I never completed.

Once the company figures out that you don't know a damn thing, they will not only fire my replacement, but your ass as well.

Please feel free not to say a damn thing to me should you see me on the street, unless you want your ass kicked.

My experience with this fucking company has been very unrewarding. I was only rewarded by your secretary. She is a good fucker. She screwed me on your desk when you were away. She told me that you screwed her every time she appealed for salary increment. She enjoyed sex with me but not with a corpse like you. In short, you are not only a fucker but a poor fucker.

Anyway, I appreciate having had the opportunity to use you as a stepping stone to a better future.

I wish you and the organization not a fucking thing, bitch-ass
motherfuckers.

Yours sincerely,
__________________

Female Precocial Agreement

I, the undersigned, agree that:


  1. 1. In the highly unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me, as is entirely normal and in accordance with the natural order of things, and pumped away for two minutes, I shall politely fake one. It'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "Oh, you're so good, you're the best" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a compass.
  2. Should your mother show me any photos of you as a child, like those ones taken at your auntie's wedding where you've got a velvet bow tie and a pudding-bowl haircut, I shall make no comment. Ever. Or even look at you in a way that suggests they are all "funny".
  3. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there. 
  4. To demonstrate my understanding of this principle, I will prepare your favourite meal or, in the event of not being able to cook, take you out for a few pints at my cost.
  5. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak and that have discovered, contrary to popular belief, that size does matter.
  6. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.
  7. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face. Under no circumstances will I attempt to start a conversation as you are dropping off to sleep.
  8. I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname. Any references to this hallowed appendage will be prefaced with words such as "mighty", "huge" or "the thunderstick" .
  9. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.
  10. I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay. I understand that video footage of such incidents is an indispensable part of the experience and in the event that you do not already possess one, I will acquire a video camera for you at the earliest opportunity.
  11. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men".
  12. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, barbecues and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of the lot. Except for the iron, the Hoover and the washing machine, of course.


Signed ____________ _________ _________ ______

Date ____________ ________

Meanings of common words

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle..

BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born

and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:

The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

30 things we learn from porn

  1. Women wear high heels to bed.
  2. Men are never impotent.
  3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
  4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
  5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
  6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
  7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
  8. Women always orgasm when men do.
  9. A blowjob will always get a woman out of a speeding ticket.
  10. All women are noisy at cumming.
  11. People in the 70's couldn't cum unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
  12. Those tits are real.
  13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
  14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.
  15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl isn't disgusted!)
  16. Double penetration makes women smile.
  17. Asian men don't exist.
  18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.
  19. There's a plot.
  20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite her by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.
  21. Nurses suck patients cocks.
  22. Men always pull out.
  23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.
  24. Women never have headaches... or periods.
  25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".
  26. Ass holes are always clean.
  27. A man ejaculating on a womans butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
  28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock there.
  29. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.
  30. Dorky guys never have to beg

Women will be women

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She found the most perfect shoes in the first shop,and a beautiful dress in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced 50% - then her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in a critical condition and was in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to tell her husband that she'd be there as soon as possible.

When she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever shopping in these boutiques, so she decided to just look in two or three more before heading to the hospital.

Anyway she ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself shopping, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished your shopping, because it's likely to be the last one you will ever make! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And he will now be your responsibility! '

The woman felt so guilty she broke down and cried and cried.

The lady doctor then laughed and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead.......now show me what you bought.'

10 Reasons Adam Was The Luckiest Man

1. He is the only man who has never been compared to the man she could have married.

2. He had no in-laws to drop in.

3. There were no Jones for him to keep up with.

4. There were no credit cards OR shopping centers.

5. He never had his dinner interrupted by window salesmen.

6. He got away with wearing a simple wardrobe.

7. He never had to shovel snow!

8. If he had gone bald, who would have known that wasn't normal.

9.. There was no "standard weight and height" tables - and the word FAT meant good.

10. When God asked "Adam, where are you?" He replied, "The woman you gave me was reading the map."

Ultimate Rejection Lines


... I'd rather have my nipples chewed off...by a pack of wild dogs.


... I'd rather masturbate with a cheese grater. 


... I'd rather slide down a barbed wire banister into a bucket of alcohol.


... I would rather stick my genitals in a bees nest.

... I would rather crush my foreskin between two tables while being bitch whipped by a fat, mustached geek named Spyros. 


... I would rather have a porcupine inserted violently into my rectum. 


... I'd rather drink a gallon of turpentine...and piss on a forest fire.

... I'd rather suck cow snot...through a straw.

... I would rather sandpaper a wildcat's ass.

... I'd rather watch Rosie O'Donnell and Roseanne mud wrestle... in the nude.

... I'd rather bungee jump...with the harness tied to my penis ...with your mom lying naked in the landing zone.

... I would rather dry fuck a polar bear...in a phone booth.

... I would rather spend ten hours getting a tattoo on my back ...and then find out it's the wrong one.


... I'd rather cram my dick in the ass of a bear with inflamed hemorrhoids.

... Life is like a dick ... When it gets hard ... Screw it!


... I'd rather have the ten strongest 300 pound linemen in the NFL play tug of war with my nut sack....each side of 5 pulling a separate nut in a different direction.

... I would rather try to open a beer bottle with my sphincter ...and not a twist off either.

... I would rather have my lower legs stripped with a wood planer ...and then wear wool socks...in August.

... I'd rather stick my nose up someone's ass...after he just finished taking a shit.


... I'd rather shave my poison-ivy covered legs ... with a dull barber's razor...and no water or soap.

... I'd rather French kiss a barracuda.

... I'd rather poke a Grizzly Bear in the ass...with a short stick.

Maths Lessons

A little boy was doing his maths homework.
He said to himself, "Two plus five, the son of a b!tch is seven.
Three plus six, the son of a b!tch is nine..."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in maths?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the Son Of a b!tch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,

"What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

Are you happy?

A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife.

The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife.

"Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Are you happy?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Happier than you were with me?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Then Heaven must be an amazing place!"

"I'm not in Heaven, dear."

Too Sick

An employee who had a terrible history for taking time off phoned in again one Monday morning:
"I'm sorry, but I'll not be able to come in today as I'm too sick."

On hearing this his exasperated boss could barely conceal his anger and retorted in a rage:
"well, just how sick are you?"

"Well" the employee sighed, "I'm in bed with my sister!"

DOME

Many years ago I was acting as the system administrator for a test system in a large publicly held company.

Periodically I would receive a call from someone who had not accessed the system recently, forgot their password and locked themselves out trying to logon. I would look up their password and unlock the system for them and they would go on their merry way.

One day I received a call from a young lady who was in just such a predicament.

I looked up her password and informed her that it was 'DOME' and, just to be playful, told her the price for me being gracious enough to unlock her sign-on was an explanation of the meaning of her password.

She became very embarrassed over the phone and pleaded that she could never reveal her secret.

I of course replied that I would not give her system access until she did.

After negotiating for several minutes she finally acquiesced but made me promise to never reveal her password meaning to any of her colleagues to which I gladly agreed.

"Well, what does it mean?" I asked.

She hesitated and then replied, "It's two words."

There was pregnant pause.

I unlocked her system and simply said, "Have a nice day."

English Can Be Fun - First few noticed in UK !


Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

In a London Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Outside a London second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a London conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE
ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR, THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

People in non-English speaking countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate
with their English-speaking tourists. Here is a list of signs seen around the world :

At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT
TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Doctors office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Hotel, Acapulco :
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE SHOULD WAIT AND SEE THE MANAGER.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.

In a Calcutta Coffee House:
PEOPLE DISCARDING CIGARETTE STUBS IN CUPS WILL BE SERVED COFFEE IN ASH TRAYS

Crocheted Doilies

There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything. 
They had talked about everything. 
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. 
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. 
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. 
When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000. 
He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," 
she said, "My grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue.
She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily." 
The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. 
Only two precious doilies were in the box. 
She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. 
He almost burst with happiness. "Honey," he said, "that explains the doilies, but what about all of this money? 
Where did it come from?" "Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the doilies."

Eating Out

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

The waiter became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and then exchanged sandwiches.

Wonderful one minute

One smart engineer and his Project Manager were traveling in a train.

Just Opposite to their seat, a beautiful girl was sitting along with her grand ma.

With in some time, Eye-Eye interactions started between the engineer & that girl.

After some minutes, train started moving in to a tunnel and it was very dark.

Suddenly, everybody heard a Kiss sound followed by a loud slapping sound.

Every body remained silent, when the train came out of the tunnel.

Grand ma thought that,” The Guy is a rogue; how dare he is? He has kissed my grand daughter! But my Grand daughter is genuine; she immediately slapped that guy.”

That girl thought that,” I feel happy, when that guy kissed me, but I feel sorry that my grand ma has slapped him”.

PM thought that,” I can’t believe that this guy has kissed that girl! But it is unfair that she slapped me by mistake”

Finally, the engineer thought?

“This one minute in my life is wonderful, it hardly comes…because, at a time I have kissed a girl and also I have slapped my PM.”

Enjoy every moment !!!!!

How to make a woman happy?

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Leave him alone

Indecent exposure

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?"

"Because your breast is hanging out."

She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"

I'll be OK

A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!"

He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before.

When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said, "That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?"

His wife said, "No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my ass."

The Hypnotist

Woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat

"I do not Have a Headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.."

It Worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He Puts her on The bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes Back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With That, He goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom,

She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

"She's not my Wife.

She's Not my wife.

She's not my wife..."

Bargaining

A guy stops to talk to a beautiful woman standing alone by a bus stop.

"Hello, I must say, you are about the most beautiful woman I have ever met."

"Thank you very much, replied the woman."

The guy quickly follows up, "I was wondering if you'd sleep with me for a million dollars?"

"A million dollars!" the girl responds. She slowly looks him up and down and then thinks for a moment and answers, "Yes, I would sleep with you for a million dollars."

"How about five bucks? " responds the guy.

"Five Bucks!, What kind of woman do you think I am?"

"We've already determined that," he replies. "Now we're just haggling over money.

Why why why?

Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say “congratulations.”

But none of them rub your dick and say “well done”

My husband's having a heart attack

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.

'What's up?' she asks.

'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up

And says , "Mommy Mommy Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe & she has no clothes on"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband..

Rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

'You rotten Bitch', she screams.

'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

And what would you like?

A man was shopping in the men's department at Bloomingdale' s when he noticed an absolutely beautiful woman behind the sales counter. He went up to her and said, "Good morning, madam."

She smiled pleasantly and asked "And what would you like?"

The man said, "I'd like to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you tight. Then run my hand up and down your bottom and squeeze that. Then run my hands along your inner thighs, up underneath your dress. When I get to your sweet womanhood, I'd like to rub that while simultaneously unbuttoning your blouse with my teeth and then suck on your beautiful breasts and bite your nipples lightly . . . .

But What I need is a new tie!"

$600 rebate

Dr. Marc Faber concluded his monthly bulletin (June 2010) with the following:
''The federal government is sending each of us a $600 rebate.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China.
If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs.
If we buy a computer it will go to India.
If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
If we purchase a good car it will go to Germany.
If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.
The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in US. I've been doing my part.''

I want to offer my deepest condolences

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calliing her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replies, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."

So they met and it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in a romantic motel.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same - she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit - but now he was wearing a black condom..

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

PENIS SIZES and AGES OF VAGINA:

PENIS SIZES
 9 INCHES - OH SHIT, PAIN!!
7 INCHES - OH, I'M IN HEAVEN
6 INCHES - OH PERFECT
5 INCHES - UMMMM OK
4 INCHES - PUSH MORE
3 INCHES - IS THAT IN???
2 INCHES - IDIOT!! JUST USE YOUR TONGUE!!

AGES OF VAGINA:
16 TO 19 BRAND NEW.
20 TO 28 SLIGHTLY USED
29 TO 36 SECOND HAND
37 TO 45 SUBJECT TO REPAIR
46 TO 55 FOR LUBRICATION
56 TO 60 TOTAL WRECK
61 TO 70 CLOSED FOR RENOVATION!!!!!!!

California Love Story

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.


After having great sex ... She spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ... Something she just loved to do.


As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,


"Why do you love doing that?"


Because ... She Replied ...


"I Really Miss Mine"

The Women DAIRY

 DIARY: DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship -- all my sexiest dresses and make-up. Really excited.

DIARY: DAY 2

Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.

DIARY: DAY 3

At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

DIARY:DAY 4

Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DIARY: DAY 5

Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.

DIARY: DAY 6

Today I saved 1600 lives. Twice.

Useful

Double Dose of Viagra

A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.

"Why not?" asked the man.
"Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.
"But I need it really bad," said the man.
"Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.

The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose."

The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects."

On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling. The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"

The man said, "No one showed up."

Temptation

An older man was married to a younger woman.

After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack.
The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex.

He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.

One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs.

He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."

She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"