Iron Women

Ninja Strippers

New Seatbelts - 45% less car accidents

Best at folding a parachute

An English parachutist and an Irish parachutist were arguing about who was best at folding a parachute. Unable to resolve their dispute on the ground, they decided to go up in a plane and judge by the mid-air performance of their parachutes.

The Irishman jumped first, pulled his cord, and started floating down towards the earth.

Then the Englishman jumped, pulled his cord and nothing happened; he pulled his safety cord - nothing. In a matter of seconds he whizzed past the Irishman, plummeting like a stone.

"Oh," shouted the Irishman, yanking off his harness, "so ya wanna race, do ya?!"

Grabbing nose

One day a woman was holding her 6 month old nephew and the baby kept grabbing her nose.

Her husband, thinking he was being clever, said, "Well you know Hun, babies grab the biggest thing they see."

She replied, "If that's true, you could be sitting there naked and he would STILL be grabbing your nose!"

Horse limousine

Good girls on earth

Blonde taking notes

Insider's Guide To The Male Vocabulary

"Haven't I seen you before?"
~~""Nice arse."

"I'm a Romantic."
~~""I'm poor."

"I need you."
~~""My hand is tired."

"I am different from all the other guys."
~~""I am not circumcised."

"I want a commitment."
~~""I'm sick of masturbation."

"You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
~~""You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."

"I really want to get to know you better."
~~""So I can tell my friends about it."

"It's just orange juice, try it."
~~""3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."

"She's kinda cute."
~~""I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary."

"I don't know if I like her."
~~""She won't sleep with me."

"I miss you so much."
~~""I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good."

"Was it good for you?"
~~""I'm insecure about my manhood."

"How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"
~~""Is my penis really that small?"

"I had a wonderful time last night."
~~""Who the hell are you?"

"Do you love me?"
~~""I've done something stupid and you might find out."

"Do you 'really' love me?"
~~""I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."

"How much do you love me?"
~~""I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now."

"I have something to tell you."
~~""Get tested."

""I'll give you a call."
~~""I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."

"I've been thinking a lot."
~~""You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."

"I think we should just be friends."
~~""You're ugly."

"I've learned a lot from you."
~~""Next!!!!"

"I'm on a long "distance call, can you call me later?"
~~"I gotta turn on my answering machine."

Contradiction

Every Action has an equal and an opposite reaction?
Similarly, every proverb has an equal and an opposite proverb!
There always exist two sides of the same coin!
You be the better judge…


All good things come to those who wait.
BUT
Time and tide wait for none.

The pen is mightier than the sword.
BUT
Actions speak louder than words.

Wise men think alike.
BUT
Fools seldom differ.

The best things in life are free.
BUT
There's no such thing as a free (best) lunch.

Slow and steady wins the race.
BUT
Time waits for none.

Look before you leap.
BUT
Strike while the iron is hot.

Do it well, or not at all.
BUT
Half a loaf is better than none.

Birds of a feather flock together.
BUT
Opposites attract.

Don't cross your bridges before you come to them.
BUT
Forewarned is forearmed.

Doubt is the beginning of wisdom.
BUT
Faith will move mountains.

Great starts make great finishes.
BUT
It ain't over 'till it's over.

Practice makes perfect.
BUT
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

Silence is golden.
BUT
The squeaky wheel gets the grease.

You're never too old to learn.
BUT
You can't teach an old dog new tricks

What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
BUT
One man's meat is another man's poison.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
BUT
Out of sight, out of mind.

Too many cooks spoil the broth.
BUT
Many hands make light work.

Hold fast to the words of your ancestors.
BUT
Wise men make proverbs and fools repeat them.

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'For reading a book,' she replies.

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

Sandwich Porn

Redneck Mom's Letter To Son

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved.

Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with 'em for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him, and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love,
Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed.

Beggars in London

Javed and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London.

Habib begs just as long as Javed but only collects 2 to 3 every day.

Javed brings home a suitcase FULL of 10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend..

Habib says to Javed 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of 10 notes every day?'

Javed says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?

Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.

Javed says 'No wonder you only get 2- 3

Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?

Javed shows Habib his sign...

It reads:

'I only need another 10 to move back to Pakistan'.

Hillbilly woman

A hillbilly woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen. When she got home she asks her husband, "What is a specimen?"

He replies, "Damned if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse."

The woman goes next door and comes back ten minutes later with her clothes torn to shreds. She is cut and bruised all over.

"What in tarnation happened?" asked her husband.

"Damn if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was and she told me to go piss in a bottle. So I told her to go sh*t in her hat, and then all hell broke loose."

Saturday Night Bath

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do,and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace.
And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy.
And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old bastard" said the old nun.
"He told me it was Gabriel's Horn ... and I've been blowing it for 40 years."

Pray Hard

Poor little Johnny had been blind from birth. One night before he went to bed, his mother told him that the next day was very special. She told him if he prayed very hard to God, he would be able see when he woke up. Johnny was very excited and prayed very hard for two hours.

The next morning, Johnny's mum came into his room. She smiled at her son and said, "Wake up Johnny. Open your eyes and all your prayers will be answered!"

Johnny opened his eyes and began screaming, "Mother, mother, I still can't see!"
"I know darling," said his mother, "April Fool!"

The Good Wife

Blind date

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression, and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died and I have to leave."

"Thank heaven!" his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to."

Ski trip to Utah

Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written in this account by a New Orleans paper.

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart.

Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, the "tell me when we're having fun" kind of day. One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom.

He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress.

He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters.

So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of her pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would even notice, he assured her. The white would provide more than adequate camouflage.

So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to set your skis so you don't move.

Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments.

Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them and onto another slope.

Her derriere and her reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued on backwards, totally out of control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon.

The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants.

At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.

In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers.

"So how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk.

"It was the damnedest thing you ever saw," he said, "I was riding up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes and her pants down around her knees. I leaned over to get a better look, and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift. So, how'd you break your arm?"

You know I don't smoke

This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.
Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.
"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."

About to...

A ninety year old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend pass.
He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink.
He noticed a seventy year old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink.
As the evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on.
Four days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor.
After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently.
The old man said, "Sure!"The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived."
"Sure, why?" "Well you`d better get over there, you are about to cum!"

Safari with mother-in-law

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife said: "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing, the lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

Swallow

Mary, despite her good looks and charm, had still never dated any boys at the age of 19. Today she was asking her aunt Martha for advice with boys.

"Aunt Martha," she started, "I've just started French kissing Tommy and I need to know where the spit should go. I don't want to dribble on my boyfriend."

"Swallow." Her aunt advised. "This will make you even more popular later on."

Drivers Test

What time does the bar opens ?

At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.

“It opens at noon” answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.

“What time does the bar open?” he asks.

“Same time as before… Noon.” replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered “Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?”

The clerk then answers, “It opens at noon, but if you can’t wait, I can have room service send something up to you.”

“No… I don’t wanna git in… Ah wanna git OUT!!!”

Some Humour

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

**************

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

**************
SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.

A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need.

**************
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

**************
HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

**************
LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

**************
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

**************
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

**************
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at
funerals.

Banking Procedure for Male and Female

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please have a look at the research findings as per gender."


MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on it.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Donald and Daisy Duck

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said, "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the > hotel clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"
"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'd thuffocate!

Men's Expressions Revealed

“I’m hungry” = I’m hungry.

“I’m sleepy” = I’m sleepy.

“I’m tired” = I’m tired.

“Do you want to go to a movie?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

“Can I take you out to dinner?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

“Can I call you sometime?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

“May I have this dance?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

“Nice dress!” = Nice cleavage!

“You look tense, let me give you a massage.” = I want to fondle you.

“What’s wrong?” = I don’t see why your making such a big deal about this.

“What’s wrong?” = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

“I’m bored.” = Do you want to have sex?

“I love you.” = Let’s have sex now.

“I love you, too.” = Okay, I said it… we’d better have sex now!

“Yes, I like the way you cut your hair.” = I liked it better before.

“Yes, I like the way you cut your hair.” = $50 and it doesn’t look that much different!

“Let’s talk.” = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me.

“Will you marry me?” = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

(while shopping) “I like that one better.” = Pick any freakin’ dress and let’s go home!

Olympics 2000

A Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Irishman arrived in Sydney too late to buy tickets for the 2000 Olympics. Even the scalpers had nothing to offer.
The three were outside the main stadium and the cheers of the crowd were loud in their ears and every so often the tune of a national anthem would blare out as some athletic event was won.
"Well, we've come this far, laddies," said the Scot. "I'm not going to be beaten." So saying, he looked around for inspiration and suddenly his eyes lit up. He ran to the car park fenced off with barbed wire held in place with long wooden stakes. He uprooted a stake, then stripped down to his singlet and underpants.
His companions watched as, with stake clasped firmly in both hands, he jogged to the competitors' entrance. They heard him say: "McFaddon, pole vault competitor", and watched amazed as he was admitted to the arena.
Inspired, the Englishman looked about; his eyes, lighted on the nearby cars. Without hesitation, he too stripped to his underwear, grabbed a hub cap from a nearby Holden and, jogging to the entrance, announced himself: "Lincoln, I'm expected for the discus event". He too was admitted.
"Sure now," muttered the Irishman, "three can play at that game". So saying, he stripped to his underpants....
But the gateman was not deceived. This figure before him, wrapped in barbed wire and dripping blood from the many small cuts it made was not "O'Leary, for the fencing".

Definitions of Designations:

* Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.

* Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.

* Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

* Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.

* Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

* Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.

* Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.

* Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with a delivered baby.

* Tester is a person who always tells that this is not the Right baby.

* HR Manager is a person who thinks that... a Donkey can deliver a Human Baby - if given 9 Months !!!

* HSE – Head …thinks a woman must wear a helmet to deliver a Healthy baby Safely·

* Commercial – Head : - Woman must produce three quotation ( only from ISO certified males) otherwise not baby is not acceptable ·

* Finance Head : Whether Woman delivers a baby or Donkey …Budget & Cash flow must be approved (doesn’t matter when i.e one month / nine months / 18months)

Types of Bears

A married couple was vacationing in Yosemite. The wife expressed her concern about camping because of bears and said she would feel more comfortable in a motel. The husband said that he'd like to camp. To calm her concerns, he suggested they talk to the park ranger to see what the likelihood of a bear encounter would be.

The ranger told them, "Well, we haven't seen any grizzlies in this area so far this year, or black bears, for that matter."

The wife shrieked, "There are TWO types of bears out here? How can you tell the difference? Which one is more dangerous?"

The ranger replied, "Well, that's easy -- see, if the bear chases you up a tree and it comes up after you, it's a BLACK bear. If it SHAKES the tree until you fall out, it's a grizzly."

The motel room was quite nice.

Letter of Recommendation

  1. While working with Mr. Xxxxxx, I have always found him
  2. working studiously and sincerely at his table without
  3. gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom
  4. wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always
  5. finishes the given assignment in time. He is always
  6. deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be
  7. found chitchatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no
  8. vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound
  9. knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be
  10. classed as outstanding, and should on no account be
  11. dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Xxxxxx should be
  12. pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to management be
  13. sent away as soon as possible.

Branch Manager

A second note following the report:

Mr. X was present when I was writing the report mailed to you
today. Kindly read only the alternate lines 1, 3, 5, 7, 9,.......
for my true assessment of him.

Regards,

Branch Manager

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)...

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination inthe U.K.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar


Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists


Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire


Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed


Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)


Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental


Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)


Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death


Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow


Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)


Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U (What the *!!*???)


Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie


Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby


Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)


Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome


Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)


Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)


Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas


Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)


Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight


Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

Some Great Teachings

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass .... then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

Salary Raise- Great Negotiation

 Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Manager: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Manager: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

Manager: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic downturn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.

Manager: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?

Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!

Manager: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?

Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

Kodak Moment

Blood Test

A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken.
The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger after finishing she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood. She can't find one so she looks innocently at the guy, takes his finger and sucks it.
The guy is so pleased he asks; "Do you think I could have a urine test done?"

$100,000 quiz show

Jane was a first time contestant on the $100,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.
Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents.
She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show’s host could ask her the big question.
Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day.
Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home.
“I’ve just gotta win tomorrow.
I wish I knew what the answers are.
You know I’m not going to sleep at all tonight.
I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.”“Relax, honey,” her husband, Roger, reassured her. “It will all be OK.”
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.“Where are you going?” Jane asked.
“I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon” he replied.Jane waited impatiently for Roger’s return.
After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin.“Honey, I managed to get tomorrow’s question and answer!”“What is it?” she cried excitedly.“OK.
The question is: ‘What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?’”“And the answer is ‘The head, the heart, and the penis.’”
Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber.At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question.“The head, the heart, and the penis,” Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth.
Once again, Jane replied correctly.
So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show.
Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins.
The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.“Jane, for $100,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy?
You have 10 seconds.”“Hmm, uhm, the head?” she said nervously.
“Very good. Six seconds.”“Eh, uh, the heart?” “Very good! Four seconds.”“I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn!
My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning…” “That’s close enough,” said the game show host, “CONGRATULATIONS!!!”

No Way

A man takes a girl in his car and stops seven miles out of town, and says he wants to make love to her.
She refuses, and walks back.
The second night he takes her twelve miles out of town and tells her he really wants to make love to her.
She still refuses and walks back.
The third night he takes her thirty miles away and lo and behold, she gives in.
Afterward, he asks her why she finally gave in.
She shrugged and said I'll walk seven miles, even twelve miles, to save a friend of mine from a case of herpes but thirty miles NO WAY !!!!

Medical term for Lazy

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said: "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

Nervous Couple

A young virgin couple are finally wed.
Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it. Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father. "Dad, what do I do first?" "Get nak*d and climb into bed," his father replies.
So, the young man does as he is advised.
The girl is mortified and calls her mama. "Get nak*d and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies. After laying there fora few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again. "What do I do?" he asks.
His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad's advice.
A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks. "Well, what is he doing?" mama asks. "He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"

Human Species

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, and he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry.
He looked up from the page and said to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgas*m?"
She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied, "Oh, yeah? Prove it.
"He frowned for a moment, then said, "Okay."
He got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
About a half hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed, "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig is always squealing, how can I tell?"

Are you thirsty?

Patient: May I have a glass of water, doctor.
Doctor: Are you thirsty?
Patient: No... I just wanted to check whether my throat leaks.

Humiliation

My ears are cold too

Little Johnny was visiting a friend of his in New York during the winter. He and his friend went outside to play in the snow. After about an hour, his friend's mother called them back inside and had them remove their galoshes and gloves.

Little Johnny's friend's mom was a tall voluptuous, woman who would warm her son's hands by putting them between her thighs. So as usual, when her son came in from playing in the snow, she asked if his hands were cold, to which he replied "yes".

She then put them together and stuck them between her warm thighs. After a few minutes, she asked "are they warm yet?" and the little boy said "yes". Little Johnny watched his friend and waited his turn.

His friend's mom then asked him if his hands were cold, to which he replied, "yes". So she took his hands, put them together and stuck them between her thighs. After a few minutes she asked if his hands were "warm yet" and he said "yes". So she took them out.

Little Johnny continued to stand there with a sly grin on his face. When the mom asked "well what is it now, Johnny? What's wrong? Johnny looked up at her and replied
"my ears are cold too!"

You don't have much to say, do you?

Paul picked this woman up in a nightclub and took her home. While they were walking home he didn't say a thing.

"You're not the communicative type, are you?" she said as they were undressing.

"Nah," Paul replied and pulled out his old fella. "I do all my talking with this."

"Damn," said the girl as she leaned forward to look. "You don't have much to say, do you?"

A Really Bad Day

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Reasons it’s Great to be a Guy

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
Movie nudity is virtually always female.
You know stuff about cars.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
Monday Night Football.
You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
You can open all your own jars.
Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying.
All your orgasms are real.
You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.
You understand why "Stripes" is a funny movie.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
You never have to clean the toilet.
You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
If you're 35 and single nobody notices.
You can write your name in the snow.
Flowers fix everything.
You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
You can eat a banana in public.
Foreplay is optional.
Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the landlord is coming by.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking, "He must be mad at me."
The world is your urinal.
You get to jump up and slap stuff.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
One mood, all the time.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too yucky.
You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
Same work...more pay.
Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
The remote is yours and yours alone.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
Bachelor parties whip ass over bridal showers.

Reasons Why it’s Great to be a Woman

You can always get a job in a movie, so long as you're willing to go naked.
It is socially acceptable for you to ask someone else to carry all your bags
when you're on vacation.
It is acceptable for you to know everything about your friends' sex lives.
You get to team up when using the bathroom and no one thinks you're gay.
You can let someone else open all your jars.
You can blame water retention every time you put on a pound or two.
You have the power to stop clicking the remote control.
There's no such thing as a beer gut.
People are scared to criticize your work for fear of your reaction.
You never have to change the oil.
You can be "fashionably late" and no one faults you.
Sex only enhances your reputation.
"Forgetting to invite" someone to something is one of your best revenge tactics.
You can wear see through underwear and people think its cool.
It’s okay if you take the elevator one floor down.
Crying gets you out of any stressful situation.
Hair does not grow out of your ears.
You have the secret power to somehow hold back a fart in public.
You think being able to drive and apply makeup should be an Olympic event.
Three words have the power to get you out of any difficult situation: Pre Menstrual Syndrome.
You can get any man to do what you want.
Flowers make everything wrong with the world right again.
You can know nothing about cars and people don't think you're gay.
You can become instantly famous simply by wearing a T-shirt to a water park.
You have the power to instantly change your mood by the act of buying a new pair of shoes.
You can accidentally go into the wrong bathroom and no one will yell at you.
You can't get sued for telling a dirty joke.
Watching construction workers from an office window is considered recreation.
You don’t have skid marks on your underwear.
You have an average life span that is four years longer than men.
You never have to change a flat tire in the rain.
You can't get thrown in jail when you miss a month of child support.
Your bathrooms always qualify for Better Homes and Gardens.
You'll never get drafted and told to go to some jungle or desert where people are shooting at you.
People don't think anything of it when you choose from one of twelve moods you would like to display at any given moment.
You can ask directions at any gas station and no one thinks you're gay.
You have a valid excuse to leave work if you have a run in your stocking.
You don't have to mow the lawn.
You can manage to do a load of laundry without your underwear turning pink.
You don't have to wear ties.
You don't have to "jiggle" when you're done using the john.
You can go without shaving for days at a time and no one notices.

911

A mother calls 911, very worried asking the dispatcher, if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, her kid had eaten ants.
The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl & the kid'll be fine.
Mother says ' I just gave him some Ant killer'
Dispatcher 'RUSH HIM IN TO EMERGENCY'!!

God go to the bathroom

Mum, does God go to the bathroom?
I don’t know. Why?
Well, every morning Dad goes to the bathroom, knocks on the door and shouts, "Oh, God! Are you still in there?"

Top Ten Things Men and Women Never Say

TEN THINGS A MAN WOULD NEVER SAY TO A WOMAN

10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool mother_____.
9. While I'm up, can I get anyone a beer?
8. I'm absolutely wrong; you must be right.
7. Her t__s are just too big.
6. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. I hate Baywatch. That show is so shallow.
4. Sure, I would love to wear a condom.
3. We haven't been to the mall for ages. Let's go shopping so I can hold your purse.
2. To heck with Monday Night Football. Let's watch Murphy Brown.
1. I think we're lost. We'd better pull over and ask for directions.

TEN THINGS A WOMAN WOULD NEVER SAY TO A MAN

10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the toilet seat up; that's the way I like it.
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away; the holes in the armpits are just too cute.
5. This diamond is way too big.
4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
3. Wow, it's too big.
2. Does this make my butt look too small?
1. I'm wrong; you must be right.

Things Women Must Understand About Men

Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss
Most guys own three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done...not both.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
If it itches, it will be scratched.
Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

Different Characteristics of Men and Women

BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, comb, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

OFFSPRING:
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

A FINAL THOUGHT:
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing

The GoalKeeper

The house was on fire.

A woman appeared at an upstairs Window. she was clutching a baby and screaming, "my baby! my baby! save my baby!"

"throw the baby to me!" shouted a young man. "I'll catch him"

"You might drop him."Shouted the woman.

"I'm a professional footballer." Shouted the man. "I'm a goalkeeper. I'm very good at catching The baby will be safe with me."

The woman threw down the baby to the young man who put all his professional expertise into operation, and he expertly CAUGHT the baby. Wow.

Then, unthinkingly, kicked it over the garden wall.

The Pastor

A pastor is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the pastor moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the pastor smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

Daddy's car in the woods

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt..Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.'

Mummy fainted!
Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

Murphy's laws of flying

1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the normal delay in order to make it on time.

2. If you ARE running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.

3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it will inevitably be delayed.

4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.

5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.

6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.

7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.

8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.

9. The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.

10. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

Leather Sleeping Bag

Hillary Clinton vs. God

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.

"Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."

God then address Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"

"I believe you're in my chair."

INTERVIEW REJECTS

So next time when u go for an inteview be prepared for this question....

Story I
E: Do u have a boyfriend?
C: I have.
E: Is he working Locally?
C: No. He is working Overseas.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ u!
C: Why?
E: U will not be able to settle down here permanently. And my Company don't want to pay extra expenses on the Overseas calls just because of u.


Story II
E: Any girl friends?
C: No.
E: So far chased any before?
C: Have, but not successful.
E: Ever think of getting a job first then start looking for a girlfriend?
C: Career is first priority. Currently didn't want to consider This personal issue.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ u.
C: Why?
E: You are lacking of P.R skills and confidence!!


Story III
E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is she pretty?
C: Not quite.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you.
C: Why? Will this affect your company's reputation?
E: No, it does not affect the company's reputation but because My company
is dealing with arts, our company requested an artist.


Story IV
E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is she pretty?
C: Yes.
E: Is she your first lover?
C: Yes.
E: Sorry, we can't employ you because you lack of fighting spirit.


Story V
E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is she your first lover?
C: No. Have a few already.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you because you are a "grasshoper" !
(Job hoper lah!)


Story VI
E: Any boyfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is he rich?
C: No.
E: Then sorry, my company cannot employ you because our Company is dealing with money and you will seduce.


Story VII
E: Any boyfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is he rich ?
C: Yes, very rich.He owns a company.
E: Sorry, we cannot employ you because your boyfriend don't Even want to employ you, neither do we!
C: But,...... there is no position in his company.
E: Then,..... what is your qualification?
C: Secretary!
E: Sorry, we still cannot employ you because your prettiness Will affect our managers' working spirits.
C: But,...... I am not pretty at all.
E: It is even worse because my managers will not be interested In you!!

If I get hot

Two brunettes and a blonde are driving in the desert when, all of a sudden, their car breaks down.
As none of them have any motoring knowledge, they decide to walk.
Each of them decides to take one thing with her.
The first brunette takes some food in case she gets hungry,
the second brunette takes some water in case she gets thirsty
and the blonde takes a car door.
When questioned about her choice,
the blonde replies: "Well, if I get hot, I can roll down the window!"

Sex Lives

Some women are sitting around after a card party.
They start complaining about their sex lives.
First woman moans, "My husband is a musician. All he wants to do is sing to it. "
Second woman moans, "My husband is a doctor. All he want to do is examine it."
Third woman moans, "My husband is a psychiatrist. All he wants to do is talk about it."
A big grin on her face, the fourth woman says, " My husband's a mechanic. On our wedding night he tore the hell out of it, and has been working on it ever since."

The Hooker With Three Breasts

There's this man who's taking a walk around the red light district until he passes a whorehouse with a blinking sign saying: "The Hooker With Three Breasts...".

The man get's just a little interested and thinks "well... that could be a once in a lifetime experience". So he goes in and walks up to the man behind the counter. "I'd like to see the hooker with the three breasts" he says.

"Are you sure you can afford that... It'll cost you a thousand dollars" the pimp replies. But, the man is too exited, pull's his wallet and pays him the money. So, he's taken up three stairs to a little room in the back of the house and when he opens the room... there she is. The room is dark but as he comes closer he sees it...three breasts! And so the man absolutely has the night of his life.

The next day the man walks past that same whorehouse and thinking of the night before and the time he had, he goes in and pays the pimp another thousand dollars. Again, he goes up three stairs to that little dark room in the back of the house. And as the day before, she lies there waiting.

But, as he walks up to the hooker, he sees that something is wrong... "Hey! You had three breasts yesterday..." he says after which she smiles and says "What did you expect honey... you can only suck out a boil like that once!".

Blind Man

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.
The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ahh, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli." Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Amy, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Amy complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says,

"Hey! I didn't know that Amy worked here!"

Drowning

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.
The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joined him.
This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof pad and pencil, and wrote, “Amazing! How are you able to stay this deep down without equipment?”
The guy took the pencil and pad, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, “I’m drowning, you moron!”

Chocolateand Peanuts

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him.
While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.
As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts."
She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em.

Friday the 13th! Beware

Roger left for work on Friday morning. Friday was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay packet.

Finally, Roger appeared at home on Sunday night, and obviously he was confronted by his angry wife, Martha who castigated Roger for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, Martha stopped the nagging and said to Roger, 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?'

Roger replied grimly, 'That would be fine with me.'

Monday went by and he didn't see his Martha. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

By the Thursday, the swelling had gone down just enough so that Roger he could see Martha a little out of the corner of his left eye

Newton's First Law

When a third grader was asked to cite Newton's first law, she said, "Bodies in motion remain in motion, and bodies at rest stay in bed unless their mothers call them to get up."

Congratulations for what

A Software Engineer dies in a car accident and finds himself at the heavens door "Pearly Gates". A beautiful music is being played and all angels are dancing around and singing his name. There is a huge crowd and everyone is screaming his name. The engineer is very delighted and surprised.

Then he sees "Saint Peter" rushing towards him and shakes his hand and says, "Congratulations my son, we have been waiting a very long time to meet you".

The engineer is very embarrassed and asks "Saint Peter, congratulations for what? I honestly didn't do much while I was alive. Then why is all this?"

Saint Peter totally amazed says, "Congratulations for what!!! We're celebrating the fact that you lived for 260 years! .... GOD himself wants to meet you!"

The engineer looks perplexed, "but Saint Peter, I only lived until 36 years"
















Saint peter is shocked "This is impossible son. We have added up all your timesheets !!!

Memories

Not in the Hall

Bat Vision

Once there were three bats. They lived in a cave surrounded by three castles. One night the bats made a bet to see who could drink the most blood.
The first bat comes home one night and has blood dripping off his fangs. The other two bats are amazed and asked how much blood he had drunk.
The first bat said, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people." The second bat goes out on his night and comes back with blood around his mouth. The other two bats are astonished and ask how many people's blood had he drunk. The bat said, "See that castle over there. I drank the blood of five people."
The third bat goes out on his night and comes back covered in blood. This was totally amazing to the other two bats. They ask how much blood he drank. The 3rd bat said, "See that castle over there?" and the other bats nod. "Well," says the third bat, "I didn't."

Two Lawyers

Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks.
They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.

Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says,
'Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!'

The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.

Total commitment

A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala charity event was taking place. Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution.

"Great idea!" the chicken cried. "Let's offer them ham and eggs?"

"Not so fast," said the pig. "For you, that's a contribution. For me, it's a total commitment."

Peanuts

Three mischievous boys went to the zoo one day for an outing, since they had been at school all week.
They decided to visit the elephant cage, but soon enough, they were picked up by a cop for causing a commotion.
The officer hauled them off to security for questioning.
The supervisor in charge asked them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage.
The first boy innocently said, "My name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."
The second added, "My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."
The third boy was a little shaken up and said, "Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts."

Masturbation

Monkey Prostitutes

How agri-corporations around the world would treat their cows.

NORTH AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

FRENCH: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

JAPANESE: You have two cows. You redesign them to 1/10 the size of ordinary cows, producing 20 times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoons called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

GERMAN: You have two cows, re-engineered so they'll live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.

BRITISH: You have two cows. Both are mad.

RUSSIAN: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42. You count them again and learn you have 12. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

SWISS: You have 5,000 cows. None belongs to you. You charge others for storing them.

HINDU: You have two cows. You worship them.

CHINESE: You have two cows and 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest the newsman who questions the numbers.

Best toast of the night

John hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of my life, between the legs of my wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "What was your toast?"

John said: "Here's to spending the rest of my life, sitting in church beside my wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "He told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"

Second opinion

Doctor, that rectal exam hurt like hell. What did you do?"
"I used two fingers."
"What for?"
"I needed a second opinion."

The Knob

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,'
where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
All these years, everything has been working just fine.
I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results.
But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.

Apartment for Rent

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:
'Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check f or $250 with the following note:
'Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.

So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady...

Blonde commit suicide

A blonde decides to commit suicide by hanging herself so she goes to the park and....
2 days later a man is walking in the park and sees the blonde hanging on by a rope tied to her stomach.
So he says "Ain't that supposed to be around your neck".
And the blonde says "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe.

Determination

What Mother's Think

Priorities

Funny Christmas Lights

Don't step on the ducks

Three guys die in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule in heaven. Don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman.
The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as the first guy.
The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any duck. One day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on. A very tall, tanned, curvaceous, sexy brunette.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The guy remarks, "Wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?"
She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

What a guy should not say after sex?

"I was kidding about being sterile, you know."

"Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"

"How come it's so BIG in there?"

"You've done this with a lotta guys before, right?"

"Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear, OK?"

(Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?"

(Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"

"You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"

"My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."

"Do you know what a 'douche' is?"

"Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow."

"I want you to try some of MY deodorant."

"I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?"

"Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"

"I never saw a girl with hairy boobs before!"

"I've been getting these little blisters lately....."

"You wanna do those dishes before you leave?"

"You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!"

Ugliest children

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

A: Ask your mom

Haircut

The story of someone getting a haircut.

Women's version:

Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men's version:

Man2: Haircut?

Man1: Yeah.

Road Safety Week

A Traffic Police stopped a car and said," This is the Road Safety Week. As you are driving with the Seat belt on, you are rewarded with 5000 bucks...What will you do with this prize money?

Car Driver: "The first thing I will do is get a driving license.."

His mother sitting on the back seat said," Officer, don't trust him..He is drunk right now.."

His Dad saw the officer and said,"I knew already that we would not be able to get far in this stolen car...."

Suddenly there was a shout from the back storage of the car.." Gusy did we get across the International Border or not..?"

Low-fat diets

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter

. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."
"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

I'd like to buy it

A woman goes into an antique shopand says to the owner, "when I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I'd like to buy it."
"Sorry," replied the owner, but I can't sell you that."
"Why not asked the customer?"
"Because that's my husband."

Sugar Brown's daughter

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr. Sugar Brown's daughter.'

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugar Brown.'

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr. Sugar Brown's daughter?'

She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

Lost Voice

Man: Doctor my wife recently has lost her voice. What should I do to help her to get it back?

Doctor: Try to come home at 3 in the morning.

Bizarre things to say and do to a telephone solicitor to get him to hang up and leave you alone

* "So, what are you wearing?"
* Talk very quietly and then without warning, scream as loud as you can into the phone.
* "You'll have to excuse me now, my armpit is on fire."
* "I'm sorry, but this phone is for personal calls only. The boss won't let us use it for business."
* Respond to their questions with fax/modem noises.
* "Have you heard about that study showing that it can cause impotence to sit all day with a telephone receiver next to your head?"
* When they ask to speak with you, say "Just a moment," and give the phone to your six-year old child to carry on the conversation.
* Pretend to be very interested in their product and then quite calmly and earnestly inquire, "Yes, but can it make a six minute casserole?"
* "I am truly sorry but the moon is in the seventh house of Pluto and my astrologer would just die if he knew I was talking to a salesman during this solar phase."
* "This isn't a recording. This isn't a recording. This isn't a recording. This isn't a recording."

Top 10 Reasons Compilers Are Female

10. Picky, picky, picky.
9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
8. Beauty is only shell deep.
7. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing."
6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
5. Always turning simple statements into big productions.
4. Smalltalk is important.
3. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
2. They make you take the garbage out.
1. Miss a period and they go wild

The Undeniable Truths Of The Workplace

* The lowest managerial priority is customer service, but the highest priority is persecuting the workers.
* The only person who can get three days off in a week is the general manager.
* Being promoted to a supervisor is actually a demotion considering the fact that you just sold your soul.
* The arrogance level of any given member of management is inversely proportional to their intelligence quotient.
* Don't worry about management's stepping in to do workers' jobs during a strike. They can't run the place with us, so how can they run it without us?
* Don't ever get caught reading anything on the job; the management want to keep us as clueless as they are.
* All managers suffer from selective amnesia; they can only remember Union contract agreements when it benefits their cause.
* The amount of favoritism you receive from management is directly proportional to the amount of a** you kiss and inversely proportional to the quality of work you perform.
* Whenever management posts a letter of thanks to the workers, the employees will again be treated like crap within two minutes of the posting.
* The chances that an employee's idea will ever be implemented are inversely proportional to its ultimate good.
* A new supervisor who has worked for only two days is always construed to know more than workers who have worked in the company for years.
* As soon as a supervisor is promoted to a manager, an inexplicable, sudden drop of 50 IQ points will occur.
* The accountability of the workers is inversely proportional to the accountability of the supervisors and managers.
* If management accidentally discovers that an employee is smart, more work will be expected from that employee.
* Succeeding at the workplace is simply a matter of rising above everyone else's incompetence.
* The more a worker gets yelled at by a manager, the more that worker can take comfort in the fact that they are right.
* In the workplace, incompetence perpetuates itself.
* If a rule does not exist that supports the position of management, they will make one up on the spot.
* You will never get paid for any overtime or extra hours you work unless you catch the forthcoming error and report it to the same management who tried to get away with it in the first place.
* Whenever a new rule or procedure is implemented, the employees must be given either no notice or as little notice as possible.
* The greatest possible threat to any given manager is an employee who is smarter than they are.
* Whenever management comes out with a so-called "policy," it is merely an attempt on their part to circumvent a provision in the Union contract that they don't like.
* In the workplace, managerial incompetence flows from the top on down.

Have two men at once

Two gorgeous blondes were engaged in a conversation as they entered an elevator in a large office building.
 
One of them said loudly, "Of course my ultimate fantasy has always been to have two men at once."

There was complete silence as every passenger in the elevator slowly turned to look at her.

She then laughed and continued, "One to do the cooking, and the other would do the cleaning."

17 Ways To Be A WOMAN.... From A Somewhat Bitter Man

  1. When asked "Is something bothering you?" reply "no" then get pissed off when you are believed.
  2. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him, and immediately expect him to stop this behavior.
  3. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.
  4. Always hide very important events in very unimportant terms so you can have something to be pissed about when your boyfriend declines because he has pressing business: i.e. You say "It's no big deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit my parents with me if you are not busy this weekend." when you mean "It means a great deal to me for you to see my family with me this weekend!
  5. Whine.
  6. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost superhuman level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep it's because he is lazy.
  7. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.
  8. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.
  9. Complain.
  10. Hate any bar he likes.
  11. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything - except when paying for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers, clothes, etc. - these are required gifts proving his love.
  12. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all the stress of your life.
  13. Remember that ANY woman who so much as glimpses at your boyfriend must be labeled a WHORE and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quickly as possible.
  14. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.
  15. Break into tears for no apparent reason, then use number 1.
  16. Ask for help in some endeavor then become livid when it is given.
  17. Weasel yourself into your boyfriend's group of friends, break up with him, then make sure you are present at every gathering for the next month just to rub it in.