What did you do with your life?

St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up.

"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

"I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids."

"Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates."

A few moments later a second man walks up.

"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

"I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers."

"Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise."

A few moments later a third man walks up.

"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

"I was a Military Policeman, Sir."

"Excellent my son, I have to leave for a bit, watch the gate will you?"

Office Truisms

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

The longer the title, the less important the job.

Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.

An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.

Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

Women Rules

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night .....whether you're here or not."

Presidential Watch

A man goes to a jewelry store looking to buy a watch. He looks at a watch called "the George Bush Watch" and asks the sales clerk why there are no hands. The sales clerk says--"you are suppose to read his lips".

He then looks at a watch called the "Ross Perot Watch" and notices that it isn't running - the sales clerk tells him "it runs, it doesn't run, it runs, it doesn't run . . ."

He then notices a watch called the "Bill Clinton Watch" and sees that it runs, has hands and looks like a pretty good watch. He asks the sales clerk how much. The sales clerk replies "$19.95 plus tax, plus tax, plus tax, plus tax, plus tax . . ."

Dramatic Maki

African Animals Getting Drunk From Ripe Marula Fruit

4 Banned Commercials!!

3-day pass

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

Sharks in the ocean

Flight fifty has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put this baby as gentle as possible down on the water"."Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below?" asks a little old lady, terrified."Yes, I'm afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs"."And if I do this, the sharks won't eat me any more?" asks the little lady."Oh, they will eat you all right, only they won't enjoy it so much".

Chick Magnet

Garge - Substitute Doctor

A Doctor in Cape Breton wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant “Garge, I am going hunting tomorrow and don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all of our patients”.
“Yes, sir!” answers Garge.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: “So, Garge, how was your day?”

Garge told him that he took care of three patients.
“The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.”
“Bravo Mate, and the second one?” asks the doctor.
“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir” says Garge.

“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” asks the doctor.

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters.
Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: ‘HELP ME! For five years I have not seen a man!’”
“And what did you do Garge?” asks the doctor.
“I put drops in her eyes.”

Little Johnny in Church

Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye.
His father see's it and says "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"
But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers.
We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt.
I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!
"Johnny", the father said. You don't do those kind of things to women.
Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.
Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!""But Dad" Johnny said.
"It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers.
We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt.
Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out.
Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"

Free Ride

In the early 1930's, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."

"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

Night Classes

During work, Raman and Narayan were chatting:

Raman: I've been attending night classes for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.

Narayan: oh!

Raman: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?

Narayan: No

Raman: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night Courses you would know this.

The next day, the same discussion took place:

Raman: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?

Narayan: No

Raman: He's the author of 'The 3 Musketeers', if you take night courses, you would know this.

The next day, once again:

Raman: And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?

Narayan: No

Raman: He's the author of 'Confessions', if you take night courses, you would know this.

This time, Narayan got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is Balakrishnan Kuppuswamy?

Raman: No

Narayan: He's the guy roaming with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know.

Moral of the story: There is 'some thing' important in life than Work and General Knowledge.

Definition of Kiss: Professors of different subjects define the same word different ways

Prof. of Finance: kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Algebra: kiss is two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Economics: kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.
Prof. of Chemistry: kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Prof. of Dentistry: kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of English: kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all the genders!
Prof. of Geometry: kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.
Prof. of Physiology: kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in the state of contraction.
Prof. of Physics: kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Philosophy: kiss is the persecution for the child,ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
Prof. of Statistics: kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36
Prof. of Zoology: kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.

Missionary and the cannibals

The missionary suddenly found himself surrounded by cannibals. He got on his knees and prayed, "God, help! Make these cannibals Christians, now!" There was a sudden thunder and lightning.

When the missionary looked up, he found the cannibals holding hands while one started, "Lord bless the meal we are about to receive!"

ALL ABOUT GOD

Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?"

After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is both male and female."

This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"

"Well, God is both black and white."

This further confuses him so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"

At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."

At this Little Johnny's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"

Response to an Employment Rejection Letter

[Today's Date]

Dear [Interviewer's Name]:

Thank you for your letter of March 20. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite Acme Inc.'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time.

Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,

[Your Name]

Did i comment?

Once a couple goes for shopping . .
the guy enters a bikes showroom to check some helmet.
gal: y r u even buying the helmet when u do not have any mind
.
.
.
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guy: honey, yesterday when u were buying a Bra.. did i comment?

How Business Works

Funny no Smoking Sign

Feeling Dizzy

Doctor: What seems to be your trouble?
Patient: When I get up I feel dizzy for one hour.
Doctor: Try getting up one hour later.

Jesus Christ!

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned.

Susie said, "He was born in a manger."

Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."

Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it."

Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"

"From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"

Bridge to Hawaii

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled upon an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK. OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the 4th time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish! The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete . . how much steel!! No, think of another wish!" The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.
Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women . . . know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment . . .know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say, 'nothing' . . . know how to make them truly happy . . ." The genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?

My wife's first husband

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

Why Dogs Are Better Than Women

Dogs love it when your friends come over.

Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.

Dogs think you sing great.

A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.

The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.

Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

Dogs don't care if you call them by another dog's name.

Dogs enjoy rough play.

Dogs love red meat.

Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.

Anyone can get a good looking dog.

If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

Dogs don't shop.

Dogs like it when you leave a lot of things on the floor.

A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

Dogs never need to examine the relationship.

A dog's parents never visit.

Dogs love long car trips, and like the wind blowing through their hair.

Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

Dogs don't hate their bodies.

No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.

Dogs never criticize.

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

Dogs never expect gifts, but appreciate any treat you give them.

Dogs don't worry about germs.

Dogs don't want to know about other dogs you have ever been with.

Dogs like to do their snooping outside, as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.

Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

Dogs would rather you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.

You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.

Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.

Dogs don't borrow your shirts.

Dogs never want foot rubs.

Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

Dogs find you amusing when you act silly.

Dogs don't cry.

Dogs aren't catty.

Dogs seldom outlive you.

Best of all, dogs love you unconditionally -- through good times and bad.

Lawyer and Blonde Game

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500," figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn.

She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress.

Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep!

Love, Lust & Marriage

Love: When you take a bubble bath together
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath

Love: A romantic candlelight dinner for two
Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
Marriage:4 Happy Meals . . . to go

Love: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping candy off of the carpet

Love: A night out at the Symphony
Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice

Love: Aroma -French perfume
Lust: Aroma -Brut aftershave
Marriage: Aroma -"The baby needs changing. . ."

Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ."
Marriage: Your teenager just took your jacket

Love: Talking and cuddling
Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep
Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands . . .

Love: Finding the "Fell in Love on AOL" chat-room
Lust: Finding the "Blonde Dominatrix" chat-room
Marriage: Finding the "Married and Looking" chat-room

Love: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout
Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the back-seat

Love: Sex every night
Lust: Sex 5 times a night
Marriage: Sex ???

Adam's 10 Alternative Commandments

1. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.

2. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Men don't want to see what's ON television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on!)

3. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.

4. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.

5. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.

6. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.

7. As 'Keeper of the Garden', Adam would never remember where he put his tools.

8. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

9. As the Bible says, 'It is not good for man to be alone!'

10. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, 'I can do better than that.'

I’ll pay you back in monthly installments

It’s 3am, and the man is driving his brand new BMW M3 CSL down the N1 at 240km/h. He’s two minutes away from home when he sees a car on the side of the road, on its roof, and flames all around.

There’s no one else in the area, his cell phone reception is dead, so he stops his car. Sure enough, there’s a beautiful woman in the car, but she’s bleeding to death. The guy reckons “screw it” and rushes home to fetch a blanket. He gets back, puts the blanket on the back seat of his M3, and puts the woman on the blanket. He then rushes her to the hospital.

Six months she lies in the hospital, and he is with her every day and very night. He donates blood to keep her alive. Eventually, she recovers fully, and they get married.

Life is cool for a few years, until one day she gets fed up and decides to leave him. His love of money is obvious, and she feels like a trophy wife.

As she comes down the stairs, struggling with her two suitcases, she reach into her pocket for the keys to the Jaguar. Sure enough, he stops her before she reaches the door, and asks “What are you doing?” “I’m leaving you,” she says. “Oh really, and how are you going to leave? The keys in your hand are for the Jaguar I paid for. It’s my car. You’re not taking it anywhere.”

“Fine,” she says, and throws the keys at him. “And those bulging suitcases?

The clothes you’re wearing? Everything, I’ve paid for. They are my suitcases and my clothes. You’re not taking them any where.”

“Fine,” she says, and throws the suitcases at him. She strips down completely and throws her clothes at him too. “And the blood in your body? I sat with you for six months in the hospital. You know half of the blood is mine. You’re not going anywhere.”

She whips out her tampon and says “I’ll pay you back in monthly installments.”

Three Blondes

Three blondes died in an accident trying to jump the Grand Canyon. They are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question.
The question posed by St. Peter is - "What is Easter"?
The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when we all get together, eat turkey and are thankful."
"Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other place!" replies St. Peter. Then he turns to the second blonde, and asks her the same question - "What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place; she is not welcome in Heaven.
He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is?"
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."
"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
Then the third blonde continues ... "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter!"

The Ages of Woman

When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a boyfriend.
When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, he was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a guy with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting guy, but I couldn't keep up with him. He rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. He did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a guy with some ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious guy with his feet planted firmly on the ground and married him. He was so ambitious that he divorced me, took everything I owned, and ran off with my best friend.
I am now 47 and am looking for a guy with a big dick.

Clean your Balls

Imaginery Creatures

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?

The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythological creatures.

All Alone

Once, there was a man who was so upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor.

"Father, I am sinful."

"Yes, son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."

"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her."

"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."

"Father, last week I went to my grilfriend's office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too."

"That's not very good of you."

"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."

"Father? ... Father?"

Suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him.

"Father? Where are you?"

He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.

"Father, why are you hiding here?"

"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."

Money Bill

A one dollar bill met a twenty dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff ... church, church, church."

Dating Guilt

Sheri, a pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me", she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see", nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter".

"No!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!"

Why are you laughing

Little Johnny farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out he goes and sits outside the class and can't stop laughing.
The principle walks by and sees him sitting outside laughing. He says, "Little Johnny what are you doing sitting here laughing?"
Little Johnny says, "I farted in class and the teacher threw me out"
The principle says, "Well then why are you laughing?"
Little Johnny says, "Cause the dumb idiots are sitting in the class smelling my fart and they put me outside in this beautiful weather"

'I'm in the secret service

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the vicar was standing at the door, as he always was, to shake hands with the worshippers. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The vicar said to him, 'You need to join the army of the Lord.'

My friend replied, 'I'm already in the army of the Lord, Father.'

So the vicar enquired, 'Then how come I don't see you except at Christmas and at Easter?'

My friend whispered back, 'I'm in the secret service.'

THE GOLFING NUN

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior.. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can.
You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother.
"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.
"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
"You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"

True mother-in-law

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man.

"This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they haggled before the King, until he called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "This man must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the true mother-in-law!"

I can guess your age

One day at the rest home, an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere the woman says, "I can guess your age."

The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.

"Pull down your pants," she says.

He doesn't understand but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, "You're 84 years old."

"That's amazing," the man says. "How did you know?"

"You told me yesterday."

Funny Beer Commercial

Daddy will do the trick

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, “I’m so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising.”
The grandmother was curious.
“What trick is that my dear?” she asked.
The little boy replied, “I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the damn walls if you came to visit us again.”

Family problems

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.

The Indian man said to the American, ‘You know, my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven’t even met once.’ We call this arranged marriage. I don’t want to marry a woman whom I don’t love… I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems.’

The American said, talking about love marriages… I’ll tell you my story.

I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. ‘After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father’s father-in-law.

Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.

More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father’s brother and so he is my uncle.

Situations turned worse when my father had a son.

Now my father’s son, my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I

am my own grandson.. And you say you have family problems…

The Indian fainted…

Turn her ON or OFF anytime

Gamer Toilet

Just like my wife

A drunken man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologised and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

Kids are Smarter Than We Think

John and Nancy decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their six-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plans into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot." He said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Smiths have company," he called out, "Matt is riding a new bike and the Sanders are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

4 married guys

4 married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:
First guy: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.'
Second guy: 'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.'
Third guy: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'
They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him. 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?'
Fourth guy: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:
'Fishing or Sex ?' and she said: 'Wear sun-block.'

Go to hell

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell... ..that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Blonde Humour

FIRST DEGREE: A married couple was asleep when the phone rang, At 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up The phone, listened a moment and said " How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife Answered, "I don't know, some Woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

SECOND DEGREE: Two blondes are walking down the street. One Notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down To pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror And says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The Second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the First blonde hands her the compact. The second One looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THIRD DEGREE: A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on Her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to His apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the Door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her Purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, She is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and Puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOURTH DEGREE: A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of State capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask Me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde Replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIFTH DEGREE: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told Her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE: Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US government class. The Professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question then Finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware"

SEVENTH DEGREE: Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to Find her house ransacked and burglarized. She Telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the Radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the First to respond. As the K-9 officer approached The house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran Out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the Cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,
"I Come home to find all my possessions stolen. I Call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman.

Tougher than Batman

One night, after a long evening of drinking, Jim was thrown out of the bar as usual. On his way home he spotted a nun walking down the road.

After looking at her twice he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living shit out of her.

Some people passing by spotted this and called the police.

As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs he looked back and said, "I thought you'd be tougher than that, Batman."

Dealing with Angry Wife

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'Lets do it!'

....and she's always sound asleep.

4 Marriages

An 80 year old lady was being interviewed by the local news station because she had just gotten married - for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked her why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go"

Night out

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, David! How ya doin’?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.
“Oh, no,” says David. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks David if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,”How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”

“She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around David, and says “Hi David. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”

David’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

David follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real b**th tonight, David.”

Credit crunch tips

DON’T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to “switch tracks”, simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

DON’T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. 04 D 7411,

DON’T waste money buying expensive binoculars; simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

AN empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

MANCHESTER UNITED FANS can save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.

HOUSEWIVES, the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

SAVE a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam, they will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty cents.

OLD people, if you feel cold indoors this winter, simply pop outside for ten minutes without a coat. When you go back inside you will really feel the benefit.

MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.

SHOPPERS, when buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.

WOMEN: Don’t waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn’t care less anyway and you could use the saved energy to Hoover the house afterwards. Tell the wife to put on her coat when you’re going out for the night……she’ll be cold on her own when you switch off the heating before you leave.

A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

I want to share all your worries

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden..'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

Funny Army Photos

Free Vuvuzela

what would I have

Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"

Little Johnny: "Big hands!"

Seeback

It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:
“Ames”
“Here!”
“Jenson”
“Here!”
“Jones”
“Here!”
“Magersky”
“Here!”
“Seeback”

No answer.

“Seeback!”

No answer was heard again.

“SEEBACK!!!” The troops remained totally silent.

At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant’s ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.

Lemur Matrix

Goony Bird

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"

Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"

Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.

"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.

When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"

The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"

Horny Vegetables

Funny Facts

English is difficult language

UP

WAT

Why Men Can't Win

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.

If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.

If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.

If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.

If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

50 Things Women Would Do To Drive Men Crazy

1. Do not say what you mean. Ever.

2. Be ambiguous. Always.

3. Cry. Cry often. Tell them it's their fault.

4. Bring things up that were said, done, or thought years, months, or

5. Make them apologize for everything.

6. Stash feminine products in their backpacks and in their books as cutereminders that you were thinking of them.

7. Gossip. Gossip about everything that walks.

8. Play Alanis Morissette's "You Outta Know," loud. Look at them Smile.

9. Look them in the eye and start laughing.

10. Cry.

11. Get mad at them for everything.

12. Discuss your period in front of them. Watch them squirm.

13. Hold grudges.

14. Demand to be e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply.

15. When complimented, make sure to be paranoid. Take nothing at face value.

16. Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his quick trigger finger, and his affection for his "little princess. "

17. Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.

18. Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24-7. Compare and contrast.

19. Go everywhere in groups, especially the bathroom. Do nothing alone. Independence is a sign of weakness.

20. Cry.

21. Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong.

22. Plan little relationship anniversaries, i. e. the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library. . . for five minutes. Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.

23. Fall for your FAC.

24. Gather many female friends and dance to "I Will Survive" while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud.

25. Correct their grammar.

26. Describe back-alley abortions. Then remind them of their mother or little sister.

27. Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their answer.

28. Leave out the good parts in stories.

29. Make sure to only be interested in guys in the same friendship group. Make sure to cause trouble.

30. Make them wonder. Confusion is a good thing.

31. Cry.

32. Declare that you are not wacko.

33. Criticize the way they dress.

34. Criticize the music they listen to.

35. Criticize their hair.

36. Ignore them. When asked, "What's wrong?" tell them that if they don't know, you're not going to tell them.

37. Try to change them.

38. Try to mold them.

39. Try to get them to dance.

40. Pretend you're interested, lead them on, then feign ignorance when confronted.

41. When they screw up, never let them forget it.

42. Make them stay at religious services until they are close to fainting. Just because.

43. Blame everything on PMS.

44. Blame everything on PMS only after it has been blamed on them.

45. Whenever there is silence ask them, "What are you thinking?"

46. Get mad if they don't notice a haircut. Even if it's only a half inch.

47. Read into everything.

48. Over-analyze everything.

49. Cry.

50. Make it your goal to make them cry.

How to get a BIMBO wife

Bob, a 70-year-old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all agog.

They corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"

Bob says, "I lied about my age."

His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

"Kids" Little Instructions on Life."

1. "Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching."
-Andrew, Age 9

2. "Wear a hat when feeding seagulls."
-Rocky, age 9

3. "Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning."
-Stephanie, age 8

4. "Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower."
-Lamar, age 10

5. "Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are doing taxes."
-Carrol, age 9

6. "Never bug a pregnant mom."
-Nicholas, age 11

7. "Don't ever be too full for dessert."
-Kelly, age 10

8. "When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him."
-Heather, age 16

9. "Never tell your mom her diet's not working."
-Michael, age 14

10. "Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat." -Joel, age 12

11. "When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone."
-Alyesha, age 13

12. "Never try to baptize a cat."
-Laura, age 13

13. "Never spit when on a roller coaster."
-Scott, age 11

14. "Never do pranks at a police station."
-Sam, age 10

15. "Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving."
-Rob, age 10

16. "Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do."
-Hank, age 12

17. "Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand."
-Molly, age 11

18. "Listen to your brain. It has lots of information."
-Chelsey, age 7

19. "Stay away from prunes."
-Randy, age 9

20. "Never dare your little brother to paint the family car."
-Phillip, age 13

21. "Forget the cake, go for the icing."
-Cynthia, age 8

22. "Remember the two places you are always welcome-church and Grandma's house."
-Joanne, age 11

23. "When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents."
-Matthew, age 12

Code Word

There’s this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, “if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit!” Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word.
Someone who had committed adultery would say they had “fallen”. This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.
About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, “you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen.”
The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said,
“I don’t know what you’re laughing about.
Your wife fell three times this week.”

What makes you so smart?

A customer at Stingray Fishmongers marveled at the owner's quick wit and intelligence.

'Tell me, Simon, what makes you so smart?'

'I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone, 'Simon replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear.' But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant.'

'You sell them here?' the customer asks.

'Only $4 apiece', says Simon.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

'You didn't eat enough, 'says Simon. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

'Hey, Simon, 'he complains, 'you're selling me fish heads for $4 a piece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. you're ripping me off!'

'You see?' says Simon, 'you're smarter already.'

If you firmed this up...

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt, and said, “If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose.”
While this offended her, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, “You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra.”
This, she decided, was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed his crotch.
With a death grip in place, she said, “You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener and the poolman.”

An abstract noun

“An abstract noun,” the teacher said, “is something you can think of, but you can’t touch it. Can you give me an example of one?” “Sure,” a teenage boy replied. “My father’s new car.”

It was the strangest thing

As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the local sheriff asks her what happened.

The blonde began, "It was the strangest thing! I looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree, so I swerved to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another ..."

The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, "Mam ... I don't know how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air freshener."

A little hard to swallow

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available.
The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

"What else do you have?" asks the student. "Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"

The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," and goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.

"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student. The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know... math always was a little hard to swallow."

She Was So Blonde

She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate"

She put lipstick on her forehead because omeone told her to make up her mind.

She got stabbed in a shoot-out

She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK"

She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order

She sat on the tv and watched the couch

She sent me a fax with a stamp on it

She tried to drown a fish

She thought a quarterback was a refund

She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death

If you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back

They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade

Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics"

She tripped over a cordless phone

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept

At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put "Sagittarius"

She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store

It takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes

If she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless

She studied for a blood test - and failed

She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center

She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats

She thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train

She sold the car for gas money

When she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends

When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved

She thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill

When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead

When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

Earrings

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he's curious about the sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up to his co-worker and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

"Well, I'm curious," begged the man, "how long have you been wearing an earring?"

"Er, ever since my wife found it in our bed."

Girl's Diary vs Boy's Diary

HER DIARY
Day night, I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a cafe to have some coffee. I was
shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversatio n wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing."I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love u,too."When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV; he seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY
Today India lost the cricket match against Bangladesh.
DAMN IT.

NOW that's called
Simplicity of Men Vs Complexity of Women !!!

One drink is limit

When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the attractive blonde bowed her head slightly and said, "No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink."

"Why is that," the host asked?

Her reply... "Because after one drink I can feel it and after two drinks ...anyone can!"

9 Types of Boyfriends

Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup.
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts.
Drawbacks: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy.

Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk.
Advantages: Stays put; predictable.
Drawbacks: Royal pain in the ass.

Flinchy - "I...I'm sorry. For whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you.
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled.
Drawbacks: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle.

Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb.
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled.
Drawbacks: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig.

Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict.
Advantages: Well rested; easy target.
Drawbacks: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams.

The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch.
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt.
Drawbacks: May be having time of his life.

Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster.
Advantages: Perpetually aroused.
Drawbacks: Perpetually aroused.

The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but -"
Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool.
Advantages: Tells good stories.
Drawbacks: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus".

Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy.
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer.
Drawbacks: Hunted to extinction.

Different stages of Marriage

1st year - The husband says, 'Oh, darling, I'm really worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There's no telling what that could turn into with all the strep that's been going around. I'm going to take you right down to the private hospital and have you admitted for a couple days of rest. I know the food is good there, and I've already spoken to the Matron and the Hospital chef and I've paid the bill.

2nd year - 'Listen, sweetie, I don't like the sound of that cough. I've 'phoned the doctor and he's going to stop by here and take a look at you. Why don't you just go to bed and get the rest you need? I'll bring you something to eat when you're hungry.'

3rd year - 'Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy you need the rest. I'll bring you something ; do we have any canned soup around here anywhere?'

4th year - 'No sense wearing yourself out when you're under the weather. When you finish those dishes and the kids' baths and get them to bed, you ought to go straight to bed yourself.'

5th year - 'Why don't you take a couple aspirin?'

6th year - 'You ought to gargle or something, instead of sitting around barking like a dog.'

7th year - 'For Pete's sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying to give me pneumonia? You'd better pick up some tissues while you're at the supermarket.'

I don't smoke

This couple has been dating for about four months, but the guy had been afraid of making any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.
Finally, he gets up his courage and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.
"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."

I didn't see

A woman called in a repairman to fix her television.
Just as he finished, the woman heard her husband's key in the lock.
"Hurry," she said to the repairman, "you'll have to hide. My husband is insanely jealous."
There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman hid inside the TV console.
The husband came in and plopped down in his favorite chair to watch some football.
Inside the TV, the repairman was all squished up and getting hotter and hotter.
Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore.
He climbed out, marched across the room and out the front door.
The husband looked at the TV set, looked at his wife, looked back at the set again and said, "I didn't see the referee send that guy off the field, did you?"

Good Night Kiss

Cheating

What part of Lesbia

A polish man is sitting at a bar having a few drinks when he notices a very attractive lady sit down at the other end of the bar and order a drink.
The polish guy calls the bartender over and says "whatever she is drinking give her another one and tell her it is on me."
The bartender replies "I don't think you want to do that."
"What do you mean?" yells the polish guy, "Send her the drink!"
"O.K." the bartender replies, "but I don't think it is a good idea."
"And why not?" asks the polish guy.
The bartender leans over the bar and very softly says "because she's a lesbian."
"I don't care, send her the drink." says the polish guy.
So after the lady gets her drink the polish guy very casually strolls down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her and says, "so what part of Lesbia are you from?"

Cowboy Insurance

A cowboy was trying to buy an insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions. "Ever had an accident?"

"Nope, nary a one."

"None? You've never had any accidents?"

"Nope. Ain't never had one. Never."

"That's hard to believe. No accidents at all?"

"Well, a rattler bit me one time."

"Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"

"Nope! The varmint bit me on purpose!"

Isn't this a nice place

A man took his elderly father to a nursing home to check it out. He sat his father down on a sofa in the main aisle way and went to talk with the administrators.

The old man started to tilt slowly toward the left. A Doctor came by and said, "Let me help you." The Doctor piled several pillows on the left side of the old man so he would stay upright.

The older man started to tilt slowly to the right. An orderly noticed and put several more pillows on his right side to keep him upright.

The old man started to lean forward when a nurse came by and piled several pillows in front of him. About this time, the son returned.

"Well, Dad, isn't this a nice place."

The old man replied, "I guess it's ok, but they won't let me fart."

Safari in Africa

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in is direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep trouble now."

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard." That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put his knowledge to good use and made it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"

For Sale

Socrates

In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, “Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?”
“Hold on a minute,” Socrates replied. “Before telling me anything I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Triple Filter Test”. “Triple filter?” “That’s right,” Socrates continued. “Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you’re going to say.
The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?” “No,” the man said, “actually I just heard about it and …” “All right,” said Socrates. “So you don’t really know if it’s true or not.
Now let’s try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?” “No, on the contrary …”
“So,” Socrates continued, “you want to tell me something bad about him, but you’re not certain it’s true. You may still pass the test though, because there’s one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?” “No, not really.”
“Well,” concluded Socrates, “if what you want to tell me is not true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?”
This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out his best friend and his wife.

When you die, what song do you want played at your funeral?

When you die, what song do you want played at your funeral?
Or at your memorial, or at whatever ceremony you plan for your family to
organize.

here are some of the choices already posted , you can add ur own :



  1. Baby Come Back!
  2. Ding dong the witch is dead.
  3. if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands (everyone claps)
  4. Desperado--by the Eagles
  5. Wasted on the Way.
  6. "Hallelujah" by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
  7. Sympathy for the Devil, Rolling Stones -- I'm taking his job!
  8. Old and Wise by Alan Parsons Project
  9. Several Species Of Small Furry Animals Gathered Together In A Cave And
  10. Grooving With A Pict by Pink Floyd -- That'll be one funeral they won't be likely to forget.
  11. I'd like a medley of Village People hits. In the Navy and Kung Fu fighting are particularly apropos.
  12. Motorhead's ORGASMATRON
  13. "Thriller". I'd like the participants to learn the dance as well, and do it over my body.
  14. (Always Look On) The Bright Side of Life-Monty Python --- The way I figure it, I've spent the last 35 years being a smart@ss, I may as well go out on the same note.

The Perfect Husband...

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club.

A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat.

It's only Rs.1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "Rs7,00,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking Rs.11,50,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 11,00,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

He smiles and asks:





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"Anyone knows who this mobile belongs to?"

Charm school

Two informally dressed ladies started conversing during an endless wait in the LAX airport.

The conversation turned to children. The first woman, from New York, started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The second woman, a genteel Southerner, commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz.

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my! What on earth for?"

The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a crap?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious"

Symbol of Marriage

Other side of Mount Rushmore

Funny Reason

Blow Jobs

A bear and a bunny


A bear and a bunny are sitting in a forest taking a shit. The bear leans over to the bunny and says "Do you ever have the problem of shit sticking to your fur"?
The bunny says "No".
So the bear grabs the bunny and wipes his ass.