Ugliest child

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'

What took you so long?

A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon.  There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract.  She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.
He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?"
The unperturbed doctor replied, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."

Would you...study?

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.

"I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...anything."

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"Anything."

His voice softens. "Anything??"

"Absolutely anything."

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?"

Funny Babies Faces

Turpentine

Paddy and Mick, both farmers, met one day at a Kilkenny fair.
"Tell me," said Paddy, "what did you give your mule when he had colic?"
"Turpentine," said Mick.
A few months later they met again.
"What did you say you gave your mule when he had colic?" asked Paddy.
"Turpentine," said Mick.
"Well, I gave my mule turpentine, and he died," said Paddy.
"That's strange," said Dave, "so did mine."

God's Apples of Life

A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.

Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"

Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.

Without them we wouldn't be here."

Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.

To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"

Neck Stand

Good old days

Designated Driver

Men want to Live Longer

Hiding a Boner

STFU

Chestnuts

I haven't been away at all

An Irishman and an American were sitting in the bar at Shannon Airport.
"I've come to meet my brother," said the Irishman. "He's due to fly in from America in an hour's time. It's his first trip home in forty years".
"Will you be able to recognize him?" asked the American.
"I'm sure I won't," said the Irishman, "after all, he's been away for a long time".
"I wonder if he'll recognize you?" said the American.
"Of course he will," said the Irishman. "Sure, an' I haven't been away at all".

100 Reasons To Be Glad You're A Man

  1. You never get drunk as fast, as the girl you are chatting up !
  2. You can tell dirty jokes !
  3. You get dirty jokes !
  4. You can go topless in Saudi Arabia and Pakistan, without getting stoned !
  5. You go to bed with any number of women !
  6. You can play the video, whenever you wish !
  7. You are taller. Most of the time !
  8. Cricket, foot-ball, Golf, Tennis, Poker are important to live !
  9. Fat is a feminist issue !
  10. Bars and restaurants don't go quiet, when you walk in - alone !
  11. You can scratch your privates in public !
  12. You don't have to breast feed !
  13. Peeing in public, is perfectly acceptable !
  14. You don't have to remember where you have left things !
  15. Your records are in alphabetical order !
  16. You know exactly what curtains you want for your new house. They are the ones they have got in the nearest curtain shop !
  17. Ever heard the term " Unfit Father " ?
  18. Your Mum will always love you. In spite of everything !
  19. Every news agent is full of available partners - provided you can reach the top shelf !
  20. You can carry an over the shoulder courier bag on your back, without re-arranging your breasts !
  21. It really doesn't matter, if you can't stand up after midnight !
  22. You are far more likely to receive, than give oral sex !
  23. You have only a limited range of acceptable hairstyles, to choose from !
  24. And as you get older, you get less hair to worry about !
  25. You don't get patronised by policemen !
  26. If you wear a suit and tie, nobody will suspect you are a lesbian !
  27. You feel perfectly comfortable wearing clothes you wore yesterday and left on the floor all night !
  28. Even your best underwear, is relatively uncomplicated !
  29. As long as your Mum's still alive, you get your washing done at her place !
  30. Being treated like a sex object, isn't such a bad thing !
  31. Men rule the world !
  32. And women, live in it !
  33. You can whistle loudly in the street !
  34. You have absolutely no compunction about hiring a cleaning lady !
  35. You never have to wax your legs !
  36. You can eat a banana in public !
  37. You can pee standing up and wherever you want !
  38. Sex can be as quick, as you like !
  39. You don't have to wear make up !
  40. Your nails are always dry !
  41. You don't have to mentally grow up !
  42. You can become a Catholic priest and have unlimited free wine !
  43. A moustache, looks good on you !
  44. A beard, looks good on you !
  45. You get to wear comfortable shoes !
  46. You don't collapse in floods of tears, if your partner says you look fine !
  47. You can have a baby, without changing your wardrobe !
  48. Tights are totally out of the question !
  49. You can buy bananas and cucumbers, without getting embarrassed !
  50. You don't get angry, if your spouse forgets Valentine's Day !
  51. You never have to admit to, not knowing something !
  52. You can avoid bathing, shaving and ironing and merely be called eccentric !
  53. You don't have to sleep with the Boss. Unless you want to !
  54. You can climb trees, without exposing your undergarments !
  55. You can throw up in public !
  56. Facial wrinkles are called character lines !
  57. When you are past 80, your breasts don't interfere with your belt !
  58. You can totally avoid salads and it doesn't seem to harm you !
  59. You can take the dog for a walk and have a good break !
  60. Press ups are easier !
  61. You can discuss your flatulence with a certain pride !
  62. You can become a professional footballer !
  63. You can become a soldier and shoot foreigners !
  64. You get to eat enormous quantities of strange cheese !
  65. Bad hair day ? So what ???
  66. You just sort of know about country flags !
  67. You can open new bottles of tomato ketchup !
  68. Everyone loves a man in uniform !
  69. You remain optimistic about sport and sex !
  70. A 1972 Mercedes isn't just a car, for you !
  71. You have no trouble whatsoever, putting stuff off until tomorrow !
  72. You don't cry. Unless your team gets promoted, or wins something !
  73. You don't feel the need to read instruction manuals on equipment !
  74. A phone call only lasts a minute. Unless it's a particularly long and intricate Indian takeaway order !
  75. You're allowed to put things in your pockets !
  76. You don't have to throw things away, just because they're not new anymore !
  77. You're allowed to - in fact you're expected to - swear heavily !
  78. You can sit about smoking in Arab countries !
  79. Chocolate will never rule your life !
  80. You are expected to accidentally break things !
  81. If nobody fancies you, it's their problem !
  82. You do not find the need to get married !
  83. Your spouse will also earn a part of the money, to run your household !
  84. Your spouse will normally do whatever you wish, for you !
  85. You can drink beer and watch TV in the house, while the household shopping is being done !
  86. You can drink beer and watch TV in the house, while the food is getting prepared !
  87. You can drink beer and watch TV in the house, while the children are being washed, fed and taken care of !
  88. You can call your friends over for a party, without having to worry about food preparation !
  89. You can call your friends over for a party, without having to properly get dressed up !
  90. You can call your friends over for a party, even when your spouse is not in the mood, or tired !
  91. You can crack sarcastic jokes on your spouse, without considering her feelings !
  92. You can call your spouse over - for sex, during anytime of the day - irrespective of her mood !
  93. You can call your spouse over - for sex, during anytime of the day - irrespective of her need !
  94. You need not wear a negilgee to excite your spouse !
  95. You can expect your spouse to do a strip show, for you !
  96. You can have sex without any petting and fondling first !
  97. You can expect your spouse to perform oral sex, without doing the same for her !
  98. You can expect your spouse to ask your spouse to agree to all your perversions !
  99. You can have an orgasm, every single time that you have sex !
  100. You can go to sleep, the next minute - after an orgasm !

WTF US Sex Laws

Slow degradation of english language

Looking for a Girlfriend (never ending search)

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I need a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now 40 and am looking for a girl with very big tits.

Gay Terrorist

Redneck Prom Dress

How a women brain works

Photobucket

Please contact me if you understand it :)

Women are Problem (proved)

Man and Woman Shopping

Man and Woman Controls

Chances of man winning an argument

Store rules

Redneck Wedding Reception

Windoos TP

Keep Out

Its a Trap

How to pick up men / women

How did dinosaurus die?

Hazardous Material Data Sheet

Failed Product Designs

Senior Citizens Having Fun

Fatest Thing

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir?', he asked the second man.
'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.' He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said.
Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'
'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already s**t my pants.'
BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

Why 7 Dwarfs liked Snowhite?

Why 7 Dwarfs liked snowhite

New Wii Feature

New Wii Feature

Elevator Porn Note

A beer before it starts