NASA

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.















The Russians used a pencil.

Jurassic Park

Sardarji goes to the see Jurassic Park and when the Dinosaurs start approaching he is cowering in his seat.

His friend asks him "What Sardarji? Are you afraid of the cinema?"

Sardarji replies "I am an intelligent man, I know it is a movie, but does that animal know?"

The World Funniest Ads

Believe it or not, these ads actually found their way into newspapers all over the world:

Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition.

$1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.

For sale, Hope Chest, brand new, half off, long story.

Help wanted, adult or mature teenager to baby-sit. One dollar an hour.

Lost: small brown poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

Four-posted bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Christmas sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to- find person.

Wanted, man to take care of cows that does not smoke or drink.

Three-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 -- $9 per hour.

Our sofa seats the whole mob and it’s made of 100% Italian leather.

Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty. Like New. Slight urine smell.

Nordic Track $300 hardly used, call Chubby.

Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer $300.

Open house body shapers toning salon free coffee and donuts

Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat... been out while. Better be reward.

Exercise equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175.

ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.

Free Yorkshire Terrier: 8 years old. Hateful little dog.

Free puppies: ½ cocker spaniel, ½ sneaky neighbor’s dog.

Free puppies: part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.

German Shepherd, 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.

Snow Blower for sale…only used on snowy days.

Bill’s Septic Cleaning: “We Haul American-Made Products."

Cows, calves never bred…also 1 gay bull for sale.

Nice Parachute – Never opened. Used once.

Hummels – Largest selection ever. "If it’s in stock, then we have it!"

1 man, 7 women hot tub. $850/offer.

Shakespeare’s Pizza. Free chopsticks.

Harrisburg Postal Employee Gun Club.

Tickle-Me-Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 Ford Mustang, 5L, Auto, Excellent condition $6800.

Too many fires

A new firefighter was being trained by an old fire chief.
"How would you react if a sudden fire flared up on the front of the building?" asked the fire chief.
"Break out a fire hose and start spraying it, chief." answered the new firefighter.
"How would you react if another fire flared up in the back of the building?" asked the fire chief.
"Break out another fire hose and start spraying it, chief." answered the new firefighter.
"And if another huge fire flared up in the basement, how would you react?" asked the fire chief.
"Break out another fire hose." answered the new firefighter.
"Now wait a minute, son," said the fire chief. "Where are all these fire hoses coming from?"
The new firefighter answered, "The same place where all of the fires are coming from, chief."

Yearly Pass

There is a teacher speaking in front of a group of boy college freshmen about the college rules. The teacher starts talking about the dorm rooms. "If you get caught in a girls dorm room after nine o'clock, you will get a fifty dollar fine. If you get caught twice, you get a hundred dollar fine. If you get caught three times, you get a two hundred-fifty dollar fine and suspension for a week at the least." So a boy raises his hand and asks, "How much for a yearly pass?"

Martian Sex

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars. Here, they meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, laptop computers, how do they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you two do it?" asks Maureen.
"Pretty much the way you do." the Martian responds.
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap for the night and experience one another's styles!
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the male strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie...about half an inch long and a quarter inch think.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen!
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his unit grows until it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow."
"No problem,"he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his unit grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman!
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made very mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go on their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful! How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, "all I got was a headache...she kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears!"

Cow's Advice

A man's car stalled on a country road.

When he got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow.

Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. He told the farmer his story.

"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer.

"Yes, yes," the man replied.

"Oh! I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't know a thing about cars."

Mugged by a gang of snails

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails.
A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied
“I don’t know, it all happened so fast.”

Lion Tamer

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous woman about the same age.
The circus owner tells them, “I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment – a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?”
The girl says, “I’ll go first.” She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her, gently puts his paws on her shoulders, and kisses her cheek. Then he backs away and lays down.
The circus owner’s mouth is on the floor. He remarks, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.” He then turns to the young man and asks, “Can you top that?”
“No problem,” replies the young man, “just get that lion out of the way.”

Noise in the Engine

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

The stranded Irishman

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"

Blood transfusions

American Medical Association researchers have found that

Patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

Just thought you'd like to know...

The Blind Man

A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!" The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?" The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!" The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know you're upside down?"

"Because the shit is running down my back!"

The Surgeon and The Mechanic

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted a famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage," Hello Doctor!! Please come over here for a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind them, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work like a new one. So how come you get the big money, when we're doing basically the same work? "

The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic.....









"Try to do it when the engine is running ".

An American, a Scot and a Canuk

An American, a Scot and a Canuk were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $100, we could return to the earth."

He continued, " So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $100, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."

Great trade

A Canadian bloke is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.

His friend Randy stops him and asks, "Hey Dave! Whatcha got that case of beer for?"

"Well, I got it for my wife, you see?" answers Dave.

"Wow," exclaims Randy, "Great trade."

Two Irish in a Bar

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '65."
"This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '65, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?," he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

Christ was Irish

How is it that we know Christ was Irish?
Well, he was 33, still lived at home with his Mother, whom he thought was still a virgin and she thought he was the son of God.

I’m going to become a hooker

A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, “I’m going to become a hooker. I can make $400 for what I give you for free.”
“I’m coming with you,” the man replies. “I want to see you live on $800 a year.”

Retirement Sex

Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.'

Barack Obama TV News Acronyms

NBC: New Barack Channel

ABC: Another Barack Channel

MSNBC: My Seriously New Barack Channel

CBS: Continuous Barack Show

FOX: Flagrant Obama Xenophobes

Life's Saving

Patient: I have spent 80% of my life's savings on doctors.
Doctor : Why didn't you come to me earlier?

Do you have a street name?

A young man called directory assistance. “Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona.”
“There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix,” the operator replied. “Do you have a street name?”
The young man hesitated, and then said, “Well, most people call me Ice Man.”

Small Income

Darling,” said the swooning man to his new bride. “Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my small income?”
“Of course, dearest, no trouble,” she said. “But what will you live on?”

Hammering

Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail she was hammering?
A: The noise gave her a headache!

What is the axis of the earth?

Teacher: What is the axis of the earth?

Student: The axis of the earth is an imaginary line which passes from one pole to the other, and on which the earth revolves.

Teacher: Very good. Now, could you hang clothes on that line?

Student: Yes, Sir.

Teacher: Indeed, and what sort of clothes?

Student: Imaginary clothes, Sir.

Golden wedding anniversary

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

Pregnant Wife and Desperate Husband

Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while now.

Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy curled up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire. Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out a fifty dollar bill, and gives it to him. "Awww, my honey is so depressed. Here, take this and go to Katie next door, she will give you some sex tonight, and remember that this happens only once. OK? Don't think about it again."

The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly.

A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife and says with much disappointment: "Katie said this is not enough, she wants sixty."

The wife's face slowly turns red with anger, "Damn that bitch. When she was pregnant and her husband came over here, I only charged him fifty for some sex!"

She thinks to herself, "And that son of a bitch is the one that knocked me up."

Priceless Answer

My wife & I were expecting our first child while we were stationed in Corpus Christi, TX. We were at our first OB/GYN exam with an old crusty doctor that was probably delivering babies in the Alamo. Nice guy, but seen it all, heard it all a million times.

I was stuttering around searching for the right words to ask when we "should stop....you know.....having s*x?"
The Doc's answer was priceless, "Sonny, as long as you don't get in my way in the delivery room, I don't care!"

What He Says, What He Means

"It's a guy thing."
Really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh-huh." "Sure, honey." "Yes, dear."
Really means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means: "I have no idea how it works."

"We're going to be late."
Really means: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means: "Are you still talking?"

"You look terrific."
Really means: "Please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

Close your Eyes

The passenger sat in the backseat, clutching the door handle and wondering if she could expect to survive the trip.

The cabdriver sped through the crowded streets,weaving in and out of traffic. The passenger watched as one pedestrian after another ran to avoid being run down by her lunatic driver.

She looked ahead and saw a truck double-parked on the narrow street,but not only did the taxi driver fail to slow down, he actually accelerated as he approached the truck.

He slipped his cab through the available space with an inch or two to spare on either side. "Driver!" the passenger screamed,"Are you trying to get us both killed?"

"Relax,lady," he said, "just do what I do. Close your eyes."

Birth control pills

The man asked the doctor for birth control pills, and the doctor asked why he would need birth control. “To help me sleep better.” Birth control pills don’t help with insomnia, the doctor explained. “Yes they do,” the man insisted, “I put them in my daughter’s drink before she goes out and I sleep much better.”

Whats Wrong

Brad, a local beachgoer, couldn’t even get a second look from any of the girls on the beach. So he headed over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard had any advice for him.

“Dude, it’s obvious,” said the lifeguard. “You’re wearing those gnarly old swimming trunks that make you look like an old geezer. They’re years outta style. Your best bet is to get yourself a Speedo—say, two sizes too small—and drop a potato inside it. You’ll have all the babes you can handle.”

The following weekend, Brad hits the beach with his brand-spanking-new tight Speedo and his potato, and it’s not long before he approaches the lifeguard tower once more.

“For cryin’ out loud,” said Brad, “it’s worse than before! Everyone on the beach acts disgusted as I walk by—covering their faces, turning away, laughing! What’s wrong now?”

“Jeez, Brad!” said the lifeguard, “The potato goes in front!”

Prince Frog

Latest BMW that need grass as fuel

Female Driver

Chicken Dad

Cheap Helmets

Humorous statements made by airline flight crew!

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments. "

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately. "

"Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I really don't know."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

Pilot - "Folks, if you were with us last week, we never got around to mentioning that it was National Procrastination day. If you get a chance this week, please try to celebrate it. If you can't get to it, then maybe try to do it at the weekend, but no big rush. Have a nice day."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched asthey leave the aircraft.

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA. .!"

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight!"

Just name the fee

When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table.

Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved the man's life.

As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services.

"Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully.

"Okay," replied the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"

George W. Bush Thinks Haitians Have Cooties

Litte Timmy and His Dad

One day Little Timmy caught his mom and dad having sex.
Little Timmy asks his dad "Can I join you?"
His dad asks "Can your dick touch your ass?"
Timmy replies "No."
"Then no." Dad replies.
Later on he catches his dad looking at porn.
Timmy asks "Can I look with you Daddy?"
His dad asks again "Can your dick touch your ass?"
"No."
"Then no."
Later that night Little Timmy is eating cookies.
His dad walks into the kitchen and asks "Can I have a cookie?"
Timmy asks "Can your dick touch your ass?"
His dad replies "Yes."
"Then go fuck yourself these cookies are mine!"

Farmer and Pig

Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road. Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer.

They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed like hours. When the chauffeur came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his driver had been in there so long.

"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses." explained the driver.

"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.

The chauffeur replied, "I told him I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig."

Heaven and Hell Comparison

In Heaven:
1. The cooks are French,
2. The policemen are English,
3. The mechanics are German,
4. The taxi drivers are Italian,
5. The bankers are Swiss.

In Hell:
1. The cooks are English,
2. The policemen are German,
3. The mechanics are French,
4. The taxi drivers are Swiss,
5. The bankers are Italian.

===============================================

In Computer Heaven:
1. The management is from Intel,
2. The design and construction is done by Apple,
3. The marketing is done by Microsoft,
4. IBM provides the support,
5. Gateway determines the pricing.

In Computer Hell:
1. The management is from Apple,
2. Microsoft does design and construction,
3. IBM handles the marketing,
4. The support is from Gateway,
5. Intel sets the price.

Pizza Guy Tip

A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can’t believe this guy would just stand around on the job.
The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, “What are you doing here?”
“I’m just waiting to get paid,” responds the man.
Furious, the CEO asks “How much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young fellow replies, “I make about $300 a week. Why?”
The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, “Here’s four weeks’ pay, now get out and don’t come back.”
The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what they’ve learned from that exchange?”
From across the room comes a voice, “Yeah, I learned I should work as a pizza guy. they get HUGE tips!”

Moses and Bush

Moses was walking down the street when he bumped into George W. Bush. “Hello,” Bush said. “Nice weather we’re having, huh?” Moses took one look at the President, turned, and ran in the other direction. The next day Moses was walking down the same street and there was Bush. Again he tried to initiate a conversation. Again Moses turned and ran away.
Bush was tired of this bizarre treatment, so the next time Moses ran away from him, Bush followed. When he caught up, he asked Moses what was wrong.
Moses said, “The last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years in the desert.”

Sex Toy Shop

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk:
"Ddddooo youuuu hhhave dddddildosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models."
The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?"
The clerk responds, "Yes we do".
"Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee hhhhowwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"

How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb

One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE? NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...

Outhouse Spring Cleaning

Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living out on a farm up in the hills of Northern New York.
Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.
Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate."
So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him, "Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it."
The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole..."
Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.
He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.
All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse!
Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air.
BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite ... spreading poop all over the farm.
WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.....
Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you all right??!!"
As she pulls up her panties she says...
"Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen.

First day with Hook

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”
“What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine!”
“What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
“Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.” “Well, OK —
but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”
“We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really.”
“What about that eye patch?”
“Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of gulls flew over. I looked up and one of them dropped shit right in my eye!”
“You’re kidding!” said the bartender, “You can’t lose an eye just from some bird shit”
It was my first day with the hook!” recalled the pirate.

Blonde on the sun

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, ‘We were the first in space!”
The American said, “We were the first on the moon!”
The Blonde said, “So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!”
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. “You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!” said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied,
“We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!”

How I Became Millionaire

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last 5p.
“I invested that 5p in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for 10p.

“The next morning, I invested that 10p in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20p. I continued this system for a while, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of £14.00.”
“And that’s how you built an empire?” the boy asked.

“Heavens, no!” the man replied. “Then my wife’s father died and left us two million pounds.

First blow job

A young man walks into a bar and tell the bartender to setup 13 shots of scotch which the bartender does. The young guy starts downing shot after shot without fail.
The bartender asks "What are you celebrating?"he asks.
The guy says "I just had my first blow job"
The bartender says
"Congratulations! Have one on the house!
"The young man replies "No Thanks! he says. If 13 shots don't get the taste outta my mouth, another one won't matter".

Strange Trees

Rajnikant Fight Scene

Advice To Be Passed On To Your Daughter

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

BBQ grill

A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed.

So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill!" She ignores the remark.

Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm going to fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."

How to do Business?

A man from the city is out plowing his field and gets his tractor stuck in the wet ground.

A farmer driving by stops his truck and walks to the fence to call over the city feller. You need a mule to plow such wet ground he says.

"Where can I buy one?" he is asked.

Well, I just happened to have one for 100 dollars he says.

"I'll take him," says the other man as he counts out the money.

I can't bring him over today. I don't work on Sunday morrow OK?

"Sure."

The next day the truck pulls up and the old farmer gets out. He says, "sorry, bad news."

I went out after breakfeast and the mule was dead.

The city feller says just give me my money back then.

"Can't, spent it already!"

"Well... unload the mule then."

"What ya gonna do with him?"

"Raffle him off!"

"Naw, ya cant raffle off a dead mule!"

"Just watch me us! City fellers know a few tricks."

One month goes by and the city feller and farmer run into each other at the barber shop.

"What did ya do with that dead mule?"

"Raffled him off, sold 100 tickets at two dollars each and made 98 dollars profit."

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just one guy so I gave him his two dollars back!"

Evolution

Biology instructor

Mr. Jacobs, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl’s junior college, said during class, “Miss Arnold, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.”


Miss Arnold gasped, then said freezingly, “Mr. Jacobs, I don’t think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this.” With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Jacobs called on Miss Jones and asked the same question.
Miss Jones, with composure, replied, “The pupil of the eye, in dim light.”

“Correct,” said Mr. Jacobs. “And now, Miss Arnold, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment.”

Mom In Florida

A man calls his mother in Florida. “Mom, how are you?”
“Not too good,” says the mother. “I’ve been very weak.”
The son says, “Why are you so weak?”
She says, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”
The man says, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?
The mother answers, “Because I didn’t want my mouth filled with food should my son finally call.”

Blonde on Plane

There is a blonde on a plane to New York. She is sitting in the first class section, but her ticket says that she should be in the coach section. A flight attendant realizes the blonde’s mistake and asks her politely to move. The blonde won’t move. All she says is, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, and I’m going to New York.”

The flight attendant goes and tells all of the other flight attendants. They all try to persuade the blonde to move, but she won’t move. All she says is, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, and I’m going to New York.”

The flight attendants go and tell the pilot about the obnoxious blonde. They tell him the only thing that she says. He puts the plane on auto-pilot and whispers something in the blonde’s ear.

Immediately, she gets up and moves to her normal seat. Then the pilot goes back to fly the plane. The flight attendants are all very curious about how the pilot made the blonde move so quickly.

They ask him and he says, “Oh, it was easy. All I had to do was tell her that the first class section wasn’t going to New York!”

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together.

“Oh, this is terrible,” exclaims St. Peter, “I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren’t expecting you, your quarters just aren’t ready… We can’t take you in and we can’t send you back….”

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, “Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They’re ours, but we weren’t expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for ‘em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It’ll only be a couple of days. What d’ya say?”
Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.

However, two days later, St. Peter got a call.
“Pete, Lu. Hey, you gotta come get these three clowns.
This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody,
the Graham guy is saving everybody,
and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning.”

Winning Nobel Prize

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out-standing in their field."

Blonde on Diet

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.

"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.

Out of Nowhere

A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled. "How will talking to me help?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere."

Adam and Eve

God was just about done creating man, but he had two things left over in his bag and He couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve. He thought He might just as well ask them.

He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."
Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy.

Eve smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place - first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left."
"What's it called?" asked Eve.
"Brains", said God

Guilt Ridden

One doctor tells another. "I just have to talk to some one I am so guilt ridden."
Second doctor says, "Well you can tell me I have a lot of doctors confiding in me, maybe I can help." "Well for years and years now I have been having sex with my patients every chance I got and I just have to get it off my chest."

"That is not too strange a lot of doctors I know have sex with their patients, However, I will admit not many of them are vets.

Doggie Conversation

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bull dog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a very nice looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say 'liver' and 'cheese' in a sentence can be my topdog."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."
The Collie says, "Sorry, that's not good enough."
The Bull dog says, "I'll have some liver and cheese, please."
She says, "Sorry, that's not creative enough."
Finally the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone......cheese mine."

Woman Satisfying Dog

A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses.
The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks, :Can your dog perform other tricks?".
"But of course", the man answers, "he can even satisfy a woman." Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed.
The dogs looks at her and does nothing.
"It's always the same thing with you!", the man then shouts to the dog, 'I'll show you how to do it one last time'.

Little Timmy

Can you spare just $2? Timmy is a nine year old boy living in Detroit. He has only one leg, one arm and one eye. Each day he has to ride seven miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only one pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the video – it’s fucking hilarious.

Cat Scan

This ones yours!

One day the husband comes home to his wife and she says to him, “Honey, honey, I need twenty dollars I have to go out and buy some meat.”

“Twenty dollars!… are you crazy? Come upstairs to the bathroom and let me show you something.”

They run up to the bathroom and he stands in front of the mirror and pulls out a twenty dollar bill and says, “You see that twenty in the mirror, that ones yours and this ones mine.”

He goes to work the next day and when he comes home he finds the kitchen table packed full of meat from one end to the other.

He looks over to his wife and says, “Honey, honey, where the hell did you get all of this meat?”

“Well,” she replies. “Come upstairs to the bathroom and let me show you something.”

They run up to the bathroom and she stands in front of the mirror, lifts up her skirt.

“You see that one in the mirror, that ones yours and this one’s the butcher’s.”

Gynecologist's Assistant Opening

A young man goes into the Job Centre in Jacksonville, Florida , and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.

Interested he goes to learn more - 'Can you give me some more details about this?' he asks the guy behind the desk.

The Job Centre man sorts through his files & replies - 'Oh yes here it is: The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist.

You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions.

You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles fom here.'

'Oh why, is that where the job's is located?'

'No sir - that's where the end of the applicants line is!'

10 things men wont say

  • Let's watch Lifetime!
  • Sex is overrated.
  • I don't want to go too far on the first date.
  • Yes, I did notice your sister's breasts are bigger than yours.
  • There is nothing I like better than crawling into bed with a good book.
  • I'm glad I don't have a large penis.
  • My hips are too big.
  • Aw, can't we watch Oprah?
  • Does this suit make me look fat?
  • I'll never get tired listening to Celine Dion.

Two rednecks go fishing

Two rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"

The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

Show him your BADGE

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher says, “Okay, but do not go in that field over there,” as he points out the location. The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.”  Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. “See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?”
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis bull! With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he’ll get gored  before he reaches safety.  The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs… “Your badge. Show him your BADGE!”

Blonde at Job Interview

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying "Ehhhh... 22!"
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And, ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Mandy!"
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"
"Ohh, that!", replies the blonde, "I was just running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'"

Blonde and Light Bulb

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911.
Blonde: "We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb."
Operator: "Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?"
Blonde: "Yes."
Operator: "The power in the house in on?"
Blonde: "Of course."
Operator: "And the switch is on?"
Blonde: "Yes, yes."
Operator: "And the bulb still won't light up?"
Blonde: "No, it's working fine."
Operator: "Then what's the problem?"
Blonde: "We got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and we all fell and hurt ourselves!"

Long Hair

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
"I'll make a deal with you," said his father. "You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

"Son, I'm real proud of you. You've brought your grades up and you've studied your Bible, but you didn't get hair cut!"

"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

"Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

Doctor's office

An attractive young woman and her grandmother walked into the doctor's office, and the young woman told the doc they were her for an examination.

"OK", says the doc, "go behind the curtain and disrobe".

"No, my grandmother is the one who is sick".

Doc says "Very well then - madam, stick out your tongue".

I don't know

A blonde texts her b/f saying that she doesn't understand what IDK means, and wondering if he understood what it meant.

He replied back saying "I don't know"

The blonde immediately texts her b/f back and says "OMG NOBODY DOES!!!!!!!"

River Crossing

There's a blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river and then down the river and shouts back, "You are on the other side."

Ant and Elephant

Four Ants are moving through a forest.

They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them.

Ant 1 says : we should KILL him.

Ant 2 says : No, Let us break his Leg alone.

Ant 3 says : No, we will just throw him away from our path.

Ant 4 says : No, we will LEAVE him because he is ALONE
and we are FOUR.

Fire Fighters

A fire starts inside a chemical plant and the alarm goes out to fire departments miles around. After crews have been fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, “All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $100,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!”

The crews try, but no one can get through. Then another fire truck, filled with a volunteer fire company of men over 65, comes roaring down the road and drives straight into the middle of the inferno. The other men watch unbelieving as the old timers hop off of their rig and heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret formulas.
The company president walks over to reward the volunteers.

“What do you guys plan to do with the money?” the president asks the group.
The firetruck driver looks him right in the eye and answers, “Well, the first thing we’re going to do is fix the fricking brakes on that truck!”

Would you like the bridal?

A cowboy and his new bride check into a motel. The cowboy explains to the desk clerk that they were just married that morning.
“Would you like the bridal?” the clerk asks them.
“No thanks,” the cowboy answers. “I’ll just hold her by the ears until she gets the hang of it.”?

Pay your Bills

Far, far away lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Although he was entranced Nick the Dragon Slayer knew the penalty for his desire would be death should he try and touch them.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being to the Royal Chambers to address this problem, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the real antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left, satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chambers, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 goild coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told Horatio the Physician to get lost.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underpants. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer....
The moral of the story......PAY YOUR BILLS!!!!!

I’m not even thirsty

Nearing the end, Stanislaw is surrounded by loved ones.
As the final moment approaches, he gathers all his strength and whispers, “I must tell you my greatest secret.” His family urges him to go on.
“Before I got married, I had it all,” Stanislaw explains.
“Fast cars, cute girls, and plenty of money.
But a good friend warned me, ‘Get married and start a family.
Otherwise, no one will be there to give you a glass of water to drink when you’re on your deathbed.’
So I took his advice.
I traded the girls for a wife, beer for baby food. I sold my Ferrari and invested in college funds.
And now here we are. And you know what?”
“What?”
“I’m not even thirsty!”

Two campers

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby.
“I can’t leave,” the doctor says. “But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.”
The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. “What did the doctor say?” the victim cries.
“He says you’re gonna die.”

Fifth Wish

Joe and Bob were two very different people and had lived in the same valley for several years. Despite their differences, their relationship was one of amiable cooperation. One day, to reward them for their spirit of coexistence, God decided to pay a visit and reward them for their spirit of brotherly love.
God gathered the two men together and spoke to Joe, “I am very pleased with the cooperative spirit the both of you have demonstrated. Bob because being black in this day and age has proved to be a trying experience, I will reward you with exactly double everything I reward Joe. I am now happy to grant you your 5 fondest wishes.”
Joe, after thinking it over, wished he had a 50 room mansion erected on top of the mountain. Sure enough, on top of the eastern mountain, appeared a 50 room mansion. At the same time, for Bob, a 100 room mansion exactly twice the size of Joe’s mansion appeared on top of the western mountain.
Joe was very happy and Bob was absolutely elated. Bob informed Joe that they needed food and transportation. Joe agreed and, for his 2nd and 3rd wishes, requested God to fill the pantries with delicious wares and provide him with 10 different cars.
Agreeably, God filled the pantries of both mansions. In the garage of Joe’s mansion there appeared 10 different cars. In the garage of Bob’s mansion appeared 20 different cars.
Next, Bob prompted Joe about the 4th wish, “Women… we need women!”
Joe, agreeing, asked God to furnish his 4th wish as 50 of the world’s sexiest, most beautiful women. Instantly, standing in front of the Joe’s mansion were 50 of the sexiest, most beautiful women in the world. At the same time, standing in front of Bob’s mansion were 100 women, each twice as sexy and attractive as those given to Joe.
Both men were very happy and Bob danced around and exclaimed, “Go, Man! Make more wishes! Make more wishes! Oh, Lordy…this is our lucky day!…Every time you make a wish, I get twice as much…Wish, Man, Wish!”
Thinking the situation over, Joe turned to God and said, “Okay, for my 5th and final wish, I want you to remove ONE of my testicles!”

Being 99

Grandma, is it exciting being 99?
It certainly is! If I wasn't 99 I'd be dead.

It makes me look sexy

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife.

‘They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,’ he replies.

‘Put them back, we can’t afford them,’ demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the husband.

‘It’s my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we’re making love,’ replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Budweiser … at half the price

Baseball v/s porn

A man watching a baseball game on TV kept switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple.

“I don’t know whether to watch them or the game,” he said to his wife.

“For heaven’s sake, watch them have sex,” his wife said.”You already know how to play baseball!”

Medicine

This guy has a bad case of hemorrhoids, he decides to go see the doctor. The doctor says, It's not too bad, you just need to put these suppositories up your ass.

The doctor then says, I'll give you the first dose, then you can have your wife give you the second this evening.

The man replies, Okay.

Later that evening he is talking to his wife and tells her what the doctor said, and she said she would help. She puts one hand upon his shoulder and tells him to bend over.

All of the sudden the guy screams, Oh My God!!. What's wrong?, says the wife. The man replies, I just realized that the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders when he gave me my medicine.

Car Trouble

A blonde pushed her BMW into a gas station and tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.

She says, "What';s the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

Blonde Logic

A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde replied by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Times.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"Well, gee," answered the blond, "They are watch dogs."

Move to Texas

 At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas.
After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man.

"Say, is this really a healthy place?"
"It sure is," the man replied.

"When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word.
I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed."

"That's wonderful!" said Bill. "How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."

Worried groom

A young man gets married. After the first night, his friend asked him,

'Hey, how was the night? Somehow you look slightly worried.'

Replied the young man 'Oh, everything went fine and I had a very nice time. But at the end, out of habit I gave her 100 dollars!'

'Forget it man, anyway she is your wife and money will be with you only', consoled the friend.

'Yeah, that is true. But what worried me is the fact that she immediately returned 20 dollars!'

Yo mama is so lazy

  • Yo mama so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs.
  • Yo mama so lazy she's got a remote control just to operate her remote!
  • Yo mama so lazy that she came in last place in a recent snail marathon.

Yo mama is so skinny

  • Yo mama so skinny she hula hoops with a cheerio
  • Yo mama so skinny she has to wear a belt with spandex. 
  • Yo mama so skinny she turned sideways and dissapeared.

Mad cow disease

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, “I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.” The other cow replies, “I ain’t worried, it don’t affect us ducks.”

Feed the Baby

My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often he turns to me for advice. Recently, I was in the shower when he poked his head in to ask, "What should I feed Lily for lunch?"

"That's up to you," I replied. "There's all kinds of food. Why don't you pretend I'm not at home?"

A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to hear my husband asking, "Yeah, hi, Honey. Uh...what should I feed Lily for lunch?"

He came and he went

87 year old Ed is sitting at the bar of his local Senior Citizens Dance Club when in walks Mary. "What a beauty," he says to himself.

Then he can't believe his luck when she walks over and starts chatting to him. It was love at first site for both of them. After dating for only a few weeks, they decide to get married.

On their wedding night, they consummate their marriage with a long and passionate sexy romp. As soon as it ends, Mary notices that Ed is very quiet and still. She then realizes that her new husband has died just as he reached his climax.

At Ed's funeral, one of Mary's friends comes over to her and says,
"I was so shocked to hear the news, Mary. Whatever happened?"
"Nothing much," Mary replies, "he came and he went.

Heavy Erection - Girls Beware

Responsibility

An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them, "Good afternoon. Your daughter has informed me of what has occurred. However, I'm unable to marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take full responsibility.

If a girl child is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, then a factory and $1,000,000 to each. However, if there should be a miscarriage, what would you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "Then you try again."

Tough Mice

Three Mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth and then bench press it 100 times !!"

The Second Mouse looking unimpressed, orders two shots of tequila, grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar.
He turns to the other mice and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can,
grind it up and take it home and put in my coffee in the morning and I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first and second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says:
"I have no time for all this bullshit, I gotta go home and fuck the Cat."

Electric Train

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

The baby stork

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."

A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night.

The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the shit out of college students!"

My life really sucks

A cucumber and a pickle are having a conversation and the pickle says to the cucumber, "You know my life really sucks. Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they sprinkle seasonings over me and stick me in a jar."

So the cucumber says. "Yeah, you think that's bad, whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they slice me up and put me over a salad."

So the penis is walking by and overhears their conversation and says,
"You think that your life is tough? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, they put a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark smelly room and make me do push ups until I throw up!!!"

Ten years Ago

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. “Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area.”

“Heck, Gloria,” the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, “we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn’t heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!”

Two kinds of people

Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

Paint my porch

A blonde, looking to earn some extra money, decided to offer her services as a “handy woman” and started canvassing an affluent nearby neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,” he said, “How much will you charge me?”
The blonde quickly responded, “How about $100?”
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man’s wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, “Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?”
He responded, “She was just up here, how could she have missed it?”
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” the husband asked.
“Yes,” the blonde replied, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $100 and handed it to her.
“And by the way,” the blonde added, “it’s not a Porsche, it’s a Lexus.”

Hair Spray

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of her car and asks the man what’s wrong. “I feel terrible,” he explains, “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.” The blonde says, “Don’t worry.” She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another

ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, “What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit!?” The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says “Hair Spray — Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave.”

Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"

Will you marry me?

A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years, but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less living together.

But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, "June."

"Yes, this is June."

"Will you marry me?"

"Of course I will! Who's this?"

Pick Heaven or Hell

One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St.Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good- bye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and Filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

Planting Chickens

A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.

"That's a lot of chicks," commented the proprietor. "I mean business," the city slicker replied.

A week later the yuppie was back again. "I need another 100 chicks," he said. "Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him.

"Yeah," the yuppie replied. "If I can iron out a few problems." "Problems?" asked the proprietor. "Yeah," replied the yuppie, "I think I planted that last batch too close together."

Keep of the Grass

A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.

It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

Redneck 911

A couple of redneck hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other redneck starts to panic, then whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He frantically blurts out to the operator, "Oh my gawd! Help! My friend just died. He's dead! What can I do?"
The operator, trying to calm him says, "Take it easy, let me help. Just listen to me and follow my instructions, OK? First, lets make sure he's really dead."

There's a short pause, during which the operator hears a gun shot. The redneck comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"

Crossing circles

Best Bar in the World

The first says: "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The second then starts: "That sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one called Quinns. At Quinns, you buy a drink, Quinn buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Quinn buys you another drink."

Then the third pipes up. "You think that's good? Where I come from, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies their friend, "but it happened to my sister!"

Irish, English and Scottish and a Genie

Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish.

The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England.

The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."

The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water."

Why can't they play at night

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman & an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Aussie fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The Indian Doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!"

The Chinese Businessman called out "Move it, time is money".

The Catholic Priest said, "Here comes George the green keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hello, George! Said the Catholic Priest, "What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"


George the green keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year,so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The Indian Doctor said, "Good idea.. I'm going to contact my Ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The Chinese Businessman replied, "I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave soles"

The Aussie said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Tried Once

At a resort, a guy walks up to an older fellow who is sitting in the sun, sipping iced tea.

The young guy says, “Hey, how about a round of golf?

”"Nah,” the older fellow replies, “tried it once, didn’t like it.”

"Well, how about a swim? It’ll be more refreshing that your iced tea there.”

"Nah,” the older fellow responds, “tried it once, didn’t like it.”

Young guy says, “Well, how about a game of tennis?”"

Naw, tried it once and didn’t like it. But my son will be here soon. He’s usually up for a game or two.”

The younger guy replies, “Your only child I presume?”

Sperm Donation

A man and a woman were waiting in line at the hospital donation center.

Man: 'What are you doing here today?'

Woman: 'Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me 200 bucks for it.'

Man: 'Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me 1000 bucks.'

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.

Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the same line.

Man: 'Hi there! Here to donate blood again?'

Woman: (shaking her head with mouth closed) 'Unh unh.'

Amazing Illusion

Hey, this actually happens! Quite amazing!

This is the craziest thing seen after a long time.

You have to get out of your seat and walk away from your computer.

People may think you're crazy. But it's well worth it.

When you look at this picture close up, you see Albert Einstein,

but if you stand about fifteen feet away,


What is Stress or Tension

A Beautiful ask for a lift from you

On the way she start feeling uneasy or sick

You take her to hospital

Doctor says you are going to become a Father

You are now under stress or tension

When asked to girl, she also says the same thing

Now you are under more stress or tension

You go to police and medical checkup

Reports say that you are not the Father of the child
As you can never become a Father

You are now under much more stress or tension

But you thanked God that you are safe

And then gave a thought

The two kids at home, whose kids are they

Now this is called real Stress or Tension

What does bible mean?

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"

The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy," the young boy replied excitedly. "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'''

Lazy Predators