Son of a Bitch

The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled, “Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!”

“Son, I’m a priest. Your language is uncalled for!”

“No, Father, that’s what kind of fish it is – a Son of a Bitch fish!”

“Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!”

Once in the boat, they marvelled at the size of the monster.

“Father, that’s the biggest Son of a Bitch I’ve ever seen”

“Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch.. What should I do with it?”

“Why, eat it! Of course. You’ve never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!”

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear & his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

“Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!”

Sister Mary gasped & clutched her rosary, “Father!”

“It’s OK, Sister. That’s what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!”

“Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?”

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.

“I’ll even clean the Son of a Bitch,” she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

“What are you doing Sister?”

“Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop’s Dinner”

“Sister! I’ll clean it if you’re so upset! Please watch your language!”

“No, no, no, it’s called a Son of a Bitch Fish.”

“Really? Well, in that case, I’ll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you’ve finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch.”

On the night of the new Bishop’s visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said, “This is great fish, where did you get it?”

“I caught that Son of a Bitch!” proclaimed the proud priest.

“And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!” exclaimed the Sister.

The Friar added,” And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe! The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile crept across his face as he said, “You fuckers are my kind of people.”

Name is Secret

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it’s a gay bar. “But what the heck,” he says to himself, I really want a drink.”


When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, “What’s the name of your um, little friend?” The cowboy says, Look, I’m not into any of that. All I want is a drink.”

The gay waiter says, “I’m sorry but I can’t serve you until you tell me the name of your little friend. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan ‘Just Do It.’ That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because ‘It really Satisfies’.”

The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, “Hey bud, what’s the name of yours?” The man looks back and says with a smile “TIMEX. You can guess why.”

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella’s on his right and says, ” So, what do you guys call yours?”

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, “FORD, because Quality is Job One.” Then he adds, “Have you driven a Ford, lately?” The guy next to him then says, “I call mine CHEVY … Like A Rock!”.

The cowboy, desperate for a beer after weeks of riding on the trail, thinks for a minute.

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, “The name of mine is Secret. Now give me my damn beer!”

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, “Why Secret?”

The cowboy says, “Because it’s STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!”

Smart Lawyer

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

“Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man.

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.

“Oh, well, you can come with me to my house,” instructed the lawyer.

“But, sir, I have a wife and two kids with me!”

“Bring them along!” said the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, “You come with us, too.”

“But, Sir, I have a wife and six kids!” he answered.

“Bring them, as well!” answered the lawyer, as he headed for his limo.

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll love my place. Since the yard boy quit the grass is almost a foot tall!”

Wedding Dress

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, “mommy, why does the girl wear white?” his mom replies, “the bride is in white because she’s happy and this is the happiest day of her life.” the boys thinks about this, and then says, “well then, why is the boy wearing black?…”

Computer Diagnosis

One day, Pete complained to his friend,"My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.

Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.

After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper, which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he mast*rbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter is gettin' scr*wed by three guys at the same time and having urinary infection. Put her on antibiotic and keep a track of her outings.
4. Your wife is pregnant . . . twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. And ba*tard,....... if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better !!!!!!

The new Albert Einstein Theory! ‏

Equation 1
Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Donkey = eat + sleep
Therefore:
Human = Donkey + Work + enjoy
Therefore:
Human-enjoy = Donkey + Work
In other words,
A Human that doesn't know how to enjoy = Donkey that works.

Equation 2
Man = eat + sleep + earn money
Donkey = eat + sleep
Therefore:
Man = Donkey + earn money
Therefore:
Man-earn money = Donkey
In other words
Man who doesn't earn money = Donkey


Equation 3
Woman= eat + sleep + spend
Donkey = eat + sleep
Therefore:
Woman = Donkey + spend
Woman - spend = Donkey
In other words,
Woman who doesn't spend = Donkey

To Conclude:
From Equation 2 and Equation 3
Man who doesn't earn money = Woman who doesn't spend
So Man earns money not to let woman become a donkey!
And a woman spends not to let the man become a donkey!
So, we have:
Man + Woman = Donkey + earn money + Donkey + Spend money
Therefore from postulates 1 and 2, we can conclude
Man + Woman = 2 Donkeys that live happily together!

Cavan Men

A Cavan couple visit the Doctor and ask him to watch them having sex to see if they have a problem.

Sexually curious and a little aroused he agrees to it. He watches them have sex tells them he can see no problem and charges them €50 for his fee.

They come back every week to the doctor for a month for the same reason and every time he tells them he can see no problem.

After a month (when the thrill has gone out of it for him) the doctor asks why they keep coming back to him even though he repeatedly tells them they have no problems sexually.

The man explains to him....
"My wife will catch us if we go to my house.....,
Her husband will catch us if we go to hers......,
The cheapest hotel around is €70.......

I give you €50.........

And MediCare gives me €43 back!!!!"

Simple solution for annoying problems

  1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed. 
  2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
  3. You can avoid arguments with the wife about lifting the toilet seat just by using the sink.
  4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use an egg timer. 
  5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
  6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be too afraid to cough.
    Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.
  7. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
    In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape.
    If it doesn't move but should, use the WD-40.
    If it should not move and does, use the duct tape.

Smart Mallu

A beautiful "Mallu" female( from the heart of Kerala) went for a job interview for the post of a SECRETARY and also said she is good at English. When the manager saw the Mallu's colorful attire, gold, well oiled uncombed jet black hair, his mind was screaming "NOT THIS WOMAN".

Nevertheless, he still had to entertain the Mallu. So he told her "If you could form a sentence using the words that I give you, then maybe I will give you a chance! The words are GREEN, PINK, YELLOW, BLUE, WHITE, PURPLE and BLACK".

The enthusiastic Mallu lady thought for a while and said :
"I hear the phone GREEN GREEN GREEN, then I go and PINK up the phone, I say YELLOW....BLUE'S that? WHITE did you say? Aiye, wrong number....Don't PURPLELY disturb people and don't call BLACK, ok? Thank You."

The Manager fainted........

Infant Pillow

It is quite irritating when the baby wakes up the moment when you lay him on the bed. For those dads and moms here is a way to make the baby feel that he is still in your hands. This infant pillow must surely be a creation of a mother who is tired of trying out different ways to keep the baby asleep on the bed. Named as Zaky, the ergonomic infant pillow mimics the size, weight, touch, and feels of a mother’s hand and forearm to help her baby with comfort, support, protection, and development.


10-inch pianist

A man walks into a bar and sees the smallest little person he had ever seen sitting on a table playing a miniature piano.

He’s fascinated and watches the man play for a few minutes, then asks the bartender, “How did you find such a tiny man to play the piano?”

The bartender replies, “I found a lamp with a genie in it who granted me one wish.”

“And you asked for a 10-inch pianist?”

“Well, not exactly.”

links

Real Facebook

Forwarded Emails

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past years.
I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all,but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFCbecause their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore be cause it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they areactually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this post to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.  I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician . .

Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read these kind of with their hand on the mouse.

          Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Jamaican Motorcycle Accident Rate Study

The Jamaican government did a study with tax dollars to see why there are so many deadly motorcycle accidents in Jamaica
You'll be surprised at the results.  Scroll down to the bottom. 
 
 


Dumb Lawyers

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes . ;
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
_

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
_

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
_

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
_

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.
_

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WIT NESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
_

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
_

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

That's once

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.

The farmer said, "That's once."

A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.

The farmer said, "That's twice."

After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.

The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.

His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."

The farmer said, "That's once."

The Knob

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.' Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.' The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.

Wives are funny

Wives are funny creatures.

They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does

Theist Bear

An atheist was walking through the woods.
“What majestic trees”!
“What powerful rivers”!
“What beautiful animals”!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right On top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, “Oh my God!”
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was still.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. “You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer”?

The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a believer now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a believer”?
“Very Well,” said the Voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

“Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive. Thank you for my sharp teeth and strong jaws that help me rip into the food you have provided me, so that it may nourish my body. Amen.”

Life Cycle

Finding a perfect man

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.

"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"

An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

Bear Bells

In Alaska's Tongass National Forest, a tour guide was giving a talk to a group of tourists about hiking in grizzly bear territory: "Most bear encounters occur when hikers, being extra quiet along the trails in hopes of viewing wildlife, accidentally stumble into bears. The resulting surprise can be catastrophic."

To avoid this, he suggested that each hiker wear tiny bells on their clothing to warn the bears of their presence. "Also," he said further, "be especially cautious when you see signs of bears in the area, especially when you see bear droppings."

One tourist asked, "How do you identify bear droppings?"

"Oh that's easy," the guide explained. "They're the ones with all the tiny bells in them!"

Mother of six

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,"Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party.

The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?'"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four.

Smart Soldiers

There were three generals, one Chinese, an Iraqi, and a Turk. They were bragging about how good each of their armies were.

The Chinaman said, "My army would kill themselves for their country!"

Then he put a platoon in a little room and told them, "When this feather hits the floor I want all of you to shoot yourselves!"

He then went outside the room and five seconds later there were numerous gunshots and everyone in the room was dead.

Next came the Turkish General and he said the same thing to one of his platoons. About seven seconds later they heard gunshots and once again everyone was dead.

Finally came the Iraqi and he did the same to his platoon. Several seconds past and there were no gunshots. They decided to wait a little longer. Then several more seconds past and still no gunshots.

Finally they went in and the whole Iraqi platoon was on the floor blowing under the feather to keep it up.

Sardar PHD

Sardar Singh was very keen on doing his Ph.D. He was in search of a subject on which no one did any research before! As he was thinking over it, he found a cockroach on the table in front of him. He decided instantly todo a research on the roach.

He picked the roach and put it in the centre of the table and said: "Run". The roach ran.

He pulled out one leg of the roach, put it again in the centre of the table and said: "Run". The roach ran.

He pulled one more leg of the roach, put it again in the centre of the table and said:"Run". The roach ran.

This way the roach tried to run even when it had just one leg. He pulled last leg of the roach, put it again in the centre of the table and said: "Run". The roach could not!

Our Professor was satisfied with his study and started writing his thesis: "When you pull out all the legs of a roach, it cannot hear anymore".

Upper management trainee

A Red Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.

He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure chief, come in right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.

He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.

He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.

What the heck was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot some crap, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

Kids in Grade School

TEACHER: Why are you late?
Roland: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
Roland: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!

TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."

TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."

TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.

SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

Santa & Magic door

Santa took his wife and son into to the big city shopping one saturday. As they approached town, they were astonished by the sky scrapers.

Santa never having been to the big city himself decided to let the wife out at the local mall while he and the son did some sight- seeing.

They entered a large building with an enormous lobby. The son noticed this door on the wall and ask Santa what it was for?

Santa not knowing decided to get closer for better observation. A few minutes later a old lady with a cane comes over and presses a button located near the door, the door opens and the old lady enters a small room. The door proceeds to close and Santa and son stand there amazed as lights blink over the door when all of a sudden the door opens and a very beautiful young lady exits.

Astonished, Santa looks at his son while scratching his head, and say's, "Son, I don't know what just happened, but run fast and fetch your mother."

Hiding Blonde

There was a blonde a redhead and a brunette. They all decided to go to the bar and they got fake ids cause they were underage.

So they go in and the bartender knows they are underage so he call the cops. The readhead informs the girls that the bartender has called the cops and they have to leave.

So they go out the back door and they see this barn. They go inside and the redhead notices 3 potato sacks on the floor.

See tells the girls to each hide in a potato sack. Then the police arrive in the bar, and the bartender takes them out back to look around.

They go into the barn and look everywhere. One cop says "They might be in those potato sacks". So he kicks the first one containing the redhead and hears "woof woof". "That's a dog" he thinks to himself.

He kicks the second bag containing the brunette and hears "Meow, meow" "Well that must be a cat" he thinks.

Finally, he kicks the last bag containing the blonde and hears in a slow voice "po...ta...to...es!

Sam and John

Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John cut his arm off. Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to a surgeon. The surgeon said, "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours." So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said, "I got done faster than I expected to. John is down at the local pub." Sam went to the pub and saw John throwing darts.

A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John cut his leg off. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the surgeon. The surgeon said, "Legs are a little tougher - come back in six hours." Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early - John's down at the soccer field." Sam went to the soccer field and there was John, kicking goals.

A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon. The surgeon said, "Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve hours." So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said, "I'm sorry, John died." Sam said, "I understand - heads are tough." The surgeon said, "Oh, no! The surgery went fine! John suffocated in that plastic bag!"

Blind Horse

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and says, ”All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!’ really loudly in the horse’s ear. Providing you do that, you’ll be fine.”
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers ‘Aleeee ooop’ in the horse’s ear. The same thing happens–the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ”It’s no good, I’ll have to do it,” and yells, ”ALLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, ”Nothing is wrong with me–it’s this bloody horse. What is he–deaf or something?”
The trainer replies, ”Deaf?? DEAF?? He’s not deaf–he’s BLIND!”

Cereal Kid

How was your cereal today?

Stupid Questions

10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations and some equally stupid answers:-

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Well,it's so hot, there were no cool cabs so I thought i'd watch some advertisements in the cool comfort of the theatre.

2. In the bus: A fat girl wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia..... why don't you try again or should i try this time.

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:- Is the "blah blah blah" dish good
Answer:- No, its teribble and made of adulterated cement. We occasionaly also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together.When some distant aunt meets you after years
Stupid Question:- Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No, he's a miserable wife-beating, insensitive lout...it's just the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping.
Answer:- No. I was playing cricket for India at Sharjah and just when you called Salim Malik was betting with me that Pakistan would win. What do you think?

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- And while I'm telling you , you tell me if I bite.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke
Answer:- No, it's a miracle... it was a chalk and now it's in flames!!!

There is always a way out

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly.

The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.

The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”

What's Wrong

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, “Give me six double vodka.”
The barman says, “Wow! you must have had very bad day.”
“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said, “What the hell? Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”

“Yes, my wife…”

Happy marriage

Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together .

Socrates
By all means marry . If you get a good wife, you'll be happy . If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher .

Anonymous
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them .

Dumas
The great question . . . which I have not been able to answer . . . is,
"What does a woman want?

Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me .

Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage . We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week . A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing . She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays . "

Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking . It's called marriage . "

James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives . . The first one left me, and the second one didn't . "

Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1 . Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2 . Whenever you're right, shut up .

Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once . . .

Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to .

Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years . Then we met .

Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong .

I need more rope

One day two rednecks decided to get married. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex.

The new bride asks, "What are they doing honey?" The husband answers, "They're roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see!"

After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex. Again the bride asks, "What are they doing honey?" The husband answers, "They're roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see!"

Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they started to explore each others body. The bride discovers her husbands penis.

"What is that?" she asks. "That's my rope," he answers.

She slides her hands down further and gasps, "What are those?" she asks "They're my knots," he answers.

Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute! Her husband asks, "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?"

"No," the bride replies, "undo those knots, I need more rope."

Plumber and Doctor

A pipe burst in a doctor’s house. He called a plumber.

The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.

The doctor exclaimed, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a doctor!”

The plumber quietly answered, “Neither did I when I was a doctor.”

Naughty Banana

Ghosts

A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. 
But let me ask you one question further.....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand. 
The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. 
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said 'goats'!"

Mine is bigger than yours

There was one time two friends sitting next to a tree eating their lunch until one friend asks the other,

"Hey you see that donkey far away.." and the other friend replies... "yeah I see it."

"I bet you 100 bucks, I can make that donkey laugh..

the other friend replies.. "go ahead I bet that money you cant do that".

So the friend goes where the donkey was eating his food, approaches to him and lift the donkey's ear and whispers in it.. and the donkey started laughing..

so the other friend loses his money.. in the next 5 min the friend asks the other friend again..

"I bet you 100 bucks more I make the donkey cry"..

so he does and the other friend approaches to the donkey and lifts his ear and whispers in it again..

then donkey started to cry...

he goes back and the other friend asks: "how did you do that"?

his friend replies, easy! "the first time I told him my dick was bigger than his..

"and he laughed.. and the "second time I showed to him..."

Importance of periods

Teacher : Do you know the importance of periods?

Student : Yes once my sister she has missed two, my mom fainted, father got heart attack and our driver ran away.

DON'T EVER BE LATE

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 35 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave STD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."

Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE.

Nervous Couple

A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it.

Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father.

"Pop, what do I do first?"

"Get naked and climb into bed," his father replies.

So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama.

"Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies. After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again.

"What do I do?" he asks.

His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad's advice.

A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks.

"Well, what is he doing?" mama asks.

"He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"

The Amazing Talking Cow

A man's car stalled on a country road one morning. When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him.

"Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow.

Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. The amazed man told the farmer his story.

"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer. "Yes, yes," the man replied.

"Oh! I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't know a thing about cars."

Male vs Female Brain

Ex-girlfriends can do this

Still Waiting

I did what you asked.

I forwarded that email to 10 people...


I'm still waiting for that miracle to happen.

To all my friends who in the last year sent me best "wishes", chain letters, "angel" letters, or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something...

What a coincidence

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.

The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins."

"What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets."

"Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence," he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply.

"Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse.

After finally regaining his composure, he said, "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."

After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.

The nurse asked, "Sir, are you all right?"

"Yes" says the man, "I'm o.k. now. I just had a shocking thought. I work at the 7-11 Store."

Having first Child

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child.

After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.

The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.

In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."

Talking clock

Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand-new apartment.

The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

“What’s that gong for?” the friend asks him.

“It’s not a gong,” the drunk replies. “It’s actually a talking clock.”

“You’re crazy. Show me how it works then!”

The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, “For God’s sake…it’s 3:30 in the fricking morning!”

Who’s best at his job

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.

So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.

Later they get together.

The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water.

Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s Holy Word.

The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.

“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

Wife was mad at me

Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives.

One signs to the other, boy was my wife mad at me last night!

She went on and on and wouldn't stop!

The other Buddy says when my wife goes off on me I just don't listen.

How do you do that? Says the other.

It's easy! I turn off the light!

A ventriloquist

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb- blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet.

“What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?” Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.

“You keep out of this!” she yells. “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

You are the sixth today

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lilies.


“Tch Tch!” said the passer-by to himself. “What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I’ll see if I can help.”

So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, “What are you doing, my friend?”

“Fishin’, sir.”

“Fishin’, eh? Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?”

The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, “Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?”

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, “You are the sixth today!”

Dangerous Criminal

One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.

An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye.

"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.

"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."

SIX inches off the ground

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, “I’m in such a bad, BAD mood!”

“Oh yeah? What happened?” asked the bartender politely.

“See, I met this beautiful woman at lunch, and she invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her stupid husband came in the front door.

So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!”

“Gee, that’s tough!” commiserated the bartender.

“Right, but that’s not what really got me aggravated,” the customer went on.

“When her husband came into the room he said, ‘Hey great! You’re naked already! Hold up.’ Then, he went to the window and coughed up some spit and spit it right out the window, right on to me!”

“Yeech!” the bartender shook his head. “No wonder you’re in a lousy mood.”

“Yeah, but I haven’t told you what really, really got to me. Next the husband said ‘Toilet still broken Honey?’

Then the jerk took a leak right out the bedroom window! Right onto my head!”

“Well, that sure would put a damper on anyone’s day! You must have felt like a real peon.”

“Well sure, but I haven’t told you what really, really, REALLY got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning up there, with the sun beating down on me, hanging on for dear life. It was terrible.
“Damn, that really is a drag!” says the

“But you wanna know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY got to me? When I finally looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!”

Good bye, Mom

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.

If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,”I hope I haven’t made you feel ill at ease, it’s just that you look so much like my late son.”

He answered, “That’s okay.” “I know it’s silly, but if you’d call out “Good bye, Mom” as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy.”

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, “Goodbye, Mom.” The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone’s day, he went to pay for his groceries.

“That comes to $121.85,” said the clerk. “How come so much? I only bought 5 items!”

The clerk replied, “Yeah, but your Mother said you’d be paying for her things, too.

Framed

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat.

After he finished, he headed to the kitchen to raid the refrigerator.

The wife comes home sooner than expected, and heads to the bathroom, sits down and gets the toilet seat stuck to her rear.

She becomes upset and in a panic shouts to her husband to drive her to the doctor.

She puts on a large overcoat to cover the stuck seat, and off they go.

When they get to the doctor's office, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament.

The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

"Well, yes." the doctor replied. "But never framed."

Fly swatter

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies," He responded.

"Oh, killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?

He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

So did i

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink.

After a few more he needs to go to the can.

He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!".

After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"

Now Thats Smart

There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at the local grocery store. The manager doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. The boys say he is two bricks short of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel.

To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.

One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Junior said, "No sir, you see if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"

Sex Lives

Some women are sitting around after a card party. They start complaining about their sex lives.

First woman moans, "My husband is a musician. All he wants to do is sing to it."

Second woman moans, "My husband is a doctor. All he want to do is examine it."

Third woman moans, "My husband is a psychiatrist. All he wants to do is talk about it."

A big grin on her face, the fourth woman says, " My husband's a mechanic.
On our wedding night he tore the hell out of it, and has been working on it ever since."

Bus Driver

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"

The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"

Paint the hall

A beautiful young woman about to undergo a minor operation is lying on a gurney in a hospital corridor awaiting the medical staff.

A man in a white coat approaches her, lifts up the sheet, and visually examines her naked body. He walks away and confers with another man in a white coat. The second man then approaches the girl and performs the same examination.

When a third man approaches her, she asks impatiently, “These examinations are fine, but when are you going to start the operation?”

He shrugs and says, “Your guess is as good as mine, lady. We’re just here to paint the halls.”

Reason for a Divorce

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked,
"What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

Men are just happier people

NICKNAMES
. If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
. When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
. A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
. A woman has the last word in any argument.
. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.(hahaha this is funny !!!)

OFFSPRING
. Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it ...
and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

Some Women funny facts

  • They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense 
  • It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as women..and then he turns them into Wives !!!! 
  • Q: What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
    A: Magnets have a positive side! 
  • It's funny when people discuss LOVE MARRIAGE Vs ARRANGED. 
  •  It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered  
  • A person who surrenders when he's WRONG, is HONEST.
  • A person who SURRENDERS when not SURE, is WISE.
  • A person who surrenders even if he's RIGHT, is a HUSBAND.!

    Valentine for Osama

    Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learnt about the history of Valentine's Day.

    "Since Valentine's Day is celebrated for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone else a valentine?"

    David's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

    "Osama Bin Laden," David says.

    "Why Osama Bin Laden?" his father asks in shock.

    "Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

    His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride and says, "David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

    "I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines shoot him!"

    The Parrot

    A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

    'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.

    The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.'

    The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.

    She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

    The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, 'New house, new madam.'

    The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought 'that's really not so bad.'

    When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, 'New house, new madam, new girls .'

    The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

    Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

    The bird looked at him and said, 'Hi Keith'

    Reward for Goodness

    Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.

    The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....Hell is waiting for you.

    To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.

    To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.

    To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.

    A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. "Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!" The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!"

    Dinner for one

    Smart Marketing Speaks

    Tipper Gore discovered that her husband's great great uncle, Gunther Gore, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Tennessee in 1889.

    The only existing photograph shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: "Gunther Gore; horse thief. Sent to Tennessee Prison 1883, escaped 1887. Robbed the Tennessee Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889."

    After letting President Clinton's large staff of professional image consultants review this discovery, they took the following actions to assist Al's campaign to become our next president. They decided to crop Gunther's picture, scan it in as an enlarged image, and edited it with image processing software so that all that is seen in the final picture is a head shot. Along with this enhanced photo, the accompanying biographical sketch was sent to the Associated Press:

    "Gunther Gore was a famous cattleman in early Tennessee history. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Tennessee railroad company. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his business enterprise with the railroad. In 1887 he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889 Gunther regrettably died suddenly during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform on which he was standing collapsed."

    Birth control pills

    "I've had it with my wife." said the one drinking buddy to the other. "I'm filing for an divorce."

    "Sorry to hear that pal." said his partner. "May I ask why?"

    "I found her supply of birth control pills." said the first.

    "Listen Frank, with all due respect to your religion, I just can't see leaving your wife for what the
    Church says is a sin."

    "It ain't just that." stormed Frank. "It's because I had a vasectomy over five years ago."

    Sneeze

    Doctor, the prescription you gave me makes me have an orgasm every time I sneeze!”

    “Have you found anything that helps?” asks the doctor.”

    “Sure have”, the patient says. “Pepper”

    This is the pig I sleep with

    With a sheep under his arm, a man walks into his bedroom and stands in front of his wife.

    “This is the pig I sleep with when you have a headache,” he says.

    The wife looks at him and replies, “That’s not a pig, it’s a sheep.”

    He answers, “I wasn’t talking to you.”

    Horse Riding

    A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.

    It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of sheer terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

    Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

    Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

    Only Species

    A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, and he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry.

    He looked up from the page and said to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

    She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied, "Oh, yeah? Prove it."

    He frowned for a moment, then said, "Okay."

    He got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

    About a half hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed, "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig is always squealing, how can I tell?"

    Sports bar

    A redhead walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. She sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.


    The redhead turns to the blonde and says, “You know, I bet he’ll jump.”

    The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.”

    The redhead placed $20 dollars on the bar and said, “You’re on!”

    Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 dollars to the redhead and said, “All is fair. Here is your money.”

    The redhead replies, “Honey, I can’t take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o’clock news and knew he would jump.”

    The blonde replies, “I did too, but I didn’t think he’d do it again!”

    $100,000 quiz

    Jane was a first time contestant on the $100,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.

    Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents.

    She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show’s host could ask her the big question.

    Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home.

    “I’ve just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I’m not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.”

    “Relax, honey,” her husband, Roger, reassured her. “It will all be OK.”

    Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.

    “Where are you going?” Jane asked.

    “I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon” he replied.

    Jane waited impatiently for Roger’s return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin.

    “Honey, I managed to get tomorrow’s question and answer!”

    “What is it?” she cried excitedly.

    “OK. The question is: ‘What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?’”

    “And the answer is ‘The head, the heart, and the penis.’”

    Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber.

    At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question.

    “The head, the heart, and the penis,” Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.

    Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth.

    Once again, Jane replied correctly.

    So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins.

    The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

    “Jane, for $100,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds.”

    “Hmm, uhm, the head?” she said nervously. “Very good. Six seconds.”

    “Eh, uh, the heart?” “Very good! Four seconds.”

    “I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning…”

    “That’s close enough,” said the game show host, “CONGRATULATIONS!!!”

    I think Mommy ate it

    For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

    One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment.

    Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

    The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

    Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

    Must help my Wife

    Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

    "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

    "We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

    "Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"

    Be my Valentine

    A man walks into a post office one day and sees a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

    His curiosity gets the better of him; he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

    The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

    "But why?" asks the man.

    "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

    Video rental

    A blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild. Something she hasn't done before, so she goes out to rent her first X-rated adult video.

    She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

    She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.

    To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

    "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static," she says.

    "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?" the clerk replies.

    "Head Cleaner," Mary replies.

    Dogs and Light Bulbs

    How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

    Border Collie: Just one. Then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.

    Rottweiler: Make me!

    Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?

    Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!

    Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.

    Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls.

    Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?

    Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

    Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I’m not afraid of the dark…

    Doberman: While it’s out, I’ll just take a nap on the couch.

    Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

    Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!

    Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?

    Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…

    Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

    Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

    Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs — people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?

    Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

    Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?

    Australian ventriloquist

    Once an Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into the village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he’ll have a little fun.
    Ventriloquist: “G’day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?”
    Villager: “The dog doesn’t talk, you stupid Aussie.”
    Ventriloquist: “Hello dog, how’s it going mate?”
    Dog: “Doin’ all right.”
    Villager: (look of extreme shock)
    Ventriloquist: “Is this villager your owner?” (pointing at the villager)
    Dog: “Yes”
    Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?”
    Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”
    Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
    Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”
    Villager: “Uh, the horse doesn’t talk either….I think.”
    Ventriloquist: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”
    Horse: “Cool”
    Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
    Ventriloquist: “Is this your owner?” (pointing at the villager)
    Horse: “Yep”
    Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?”
    Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”
    Villager: (total look of amazement)
    Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”
    Villager: “The sheep’s a liar!”

    Light Bulb Jokes

    Q: How many Actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
    A: One, but 500 auditioned for the part.

    Q: How many Anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: All of them.

    Q: How many Atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: None. Atheists can't see the light anyway.

    Q: How does Bill Gates change a light bulb?
    A: He doesn't, he declares darkness the industry standard.

    Q: How many Blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: 1. She stands on the ladder and waits for the world to revolve around her.

    Q: How many Bureaucrats/civil servants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.

    Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.

    Q: How many Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Two, one to do it and a priest to hear him confess and give the old bulb last rites.

    Q: How many Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Three, but they're really one.

    Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old one has burnt out.

    Q: How many Computer nerds does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: One to screw it in, one to design the step-by-step program, and one to design the web page about doing it.

    Q: How many Conservatives does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.

    Q: How many Consultants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.

    Q: How many Cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: None. It turned itself in.

    Q: How many Doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

    Q: How many Economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.
    A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
    A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.

    Q: How many Feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: 100-one to do it and the other 99 to say that the bulb screwer does not represent mainstream feminism in doing so.

    Q: How many firefighters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Three-one to do it and two to cut a hole through the roof.

    Q: How many Folk musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Four - One to change the bulb, and three to sing about how good the old one was.

    Q: How many Goths does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: None. They sit in the dark.

    Q: How many Gun control advocates does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: They don't do that; they pass laws against burned-out bulbs, and then they wonder why it's still so dark. Meanwhile, a lot of people get hurt because they can't see.

    Q: How many Hamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Two, but they have to be very small.

    Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: None, they just have marketing sell the burnt-out bulb as a feature.

    Q: How many investment brokers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes.

    Q: How many Jewish Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: What? And wreck my nails?

    Q: How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Three, one to call the cleaning lady and two to feel guilty about it.

    Q: How many Ku Klux Klansmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: One hundred-one to do it and the others to stand around solemnly and watch the old bulb burn.

    Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: None, lawyers only screw us.

    Q: How many Mimes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: None. Mimes only pretend to change the bulb.

    Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

    Q: How many Philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Why does it need changing?

    Q: How many poets does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Two, one to curse the darkness and one to light a candle.

    Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Just one. But it takes a long time, and the bulb has to really want to change.

    Q: How many psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: How many do *you* think it takes?

    Q: How many Quantum Mechanicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot locate the new bulb.

    Q: How many Real Men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark

    Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: None, they only screw the poor.

    Q: How many Schizophreniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Both of us

    Q: How many Social workers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: None, they just write a book called "Coping with Darkness".

    Q: How many surgeons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: None. They would wait for a suitable doner and do a filament transplant.

    Q: How many system administrators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: None, they just deny everyone access to the room.

    The Cats' Bill Of Rights

    1. Humans shall make no law respecting an establishment of boundaries or prohibiting the free exercise therein, or abridging the freedom of access, or the right to peaceful assembly. In other words: The cat is entitled to go outside anytime s/he wants.
    2. A well-carried provisional chamber, being necessary to the fulfillment of a feline's whims, shall not be infringed. In other words: The cat is entitled to EAT anytime s/he wants.
    3. The right of the feline to be secure in their domain and effects against unreasonable discomposure, shall not be violated. In other words: The cat is entitled to SLEEP anytime s/he wants.
    4. Humans shall issue no warrants or decrees or edicts as prescribed to the demarcation of possessions or property which are in direct conflict with right of life, liberty and the pursuit of feline affirmation. In other words: The cat is entitled to sleep ANYWHERE s/he wants.
    5. The feline shall be immune to all criminal accusations, indictments and complaints. The accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and impartial dismissal of any and all charges provided said feline's compulsory right to obtain any or all witnesses, including character witnesses, are obtained in his favor. In other words: Cats can do anything they want as long as they're cute. And even if they're not.
    6. Neither serfdom, vassalage, or involuntary servitude will be tolerated, except by said cats in proprietorship of their humans. In other words: What I say goes.
    7. No Canis familiaris shall, in time of peace or at any other time, be quartered in any dwelling without the consent of the potentate, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by sovereign. In other words: Nodogs in the house without my permission.
    8. The right of the feline to be protected against unreasonable search and seizures shall not be breached or infringed upon at anytime or any place. In other words: Don't disturb me when I am sleeping.