Husband's Face

A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did he look?"

"Very angry."

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw his face that time?"

"He was looking through the window at us."

Group Sex

Two friends:

- Tonight I am going to organize a group sex session in my apartment. Do you want to come?

- Of course! How many people are coming?

- Three, if you bring your girlfriend.

Saturday Night Bath

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do,and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."

"Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old bastard" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn ... and I've been blowing it for 40 years."

Washing the Dog

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom &Pop"grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.
The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an "I-told-you-so", said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."

"Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle!"

Exotic Cars

The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's office. "You know, Doc," he said, "I've made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand."

"And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions," the medic said.

"Hell, no," the old fellow replied. "I want to borrow your Lamborghini!"

Heart of the Matter

A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object.

"I do have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. Its $100,000. The second is from a marathon runner, 25 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. Its $150,000. The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, steak lover. Its $500,000."

"Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!"
"Yes, but its from a laywer. Its never been used."

Bush VS Osama

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dogfight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever sides dog won would be entitled to dominate the world

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osamas dog. Osamas dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund—but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osamas dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.


Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, We dont understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves.


Thats nothing,, said Bush. We had Michael Jacksons plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog.


GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!!!!!!

Proof of Global Warming

Dumber than a Blonde

A beautiful blonde goes into a bar and sits down next to a guy that's so homely looking, he hasn't had a date in over a year, also, he's sooooo dumb that one night he slept with a ruler next to his head to see how long he slept.

So he figures that he has absolutely no chance in the world to score a date with this ravishing buxom blonde.

Then suddenly she strikes up a conversation with him and soon they become rather chummy. It starts to get late and the bartender calls out last drink for alcohol, then the blonde leans over to the guy and says, "Let's have this last drink at my apartment."

Taken back by her request, and trembling, the guy finally utters the word, "OK."

They get up from the bar stool arm and arm headed for the door, when the blonde stops him and says, "Before we go back to my apartment there's one thing I have to tell you, I'm on my menstrual cycle."

He says, ..."That's ok, I'll follow you in my Honda."

Men will be Men

 Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

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Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.  
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.  
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.  
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.  He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill.  I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'

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Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said.  'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago..'
'Well,' Granny snickered.  'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.   'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

Soft and Hard

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221..

It’ll Be Okay

A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation. The head nurse stopped him and asked, “What’s the matter?”

He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.’”

The head nurse said, “She was just trying to comfort you. What’s so frightening about that?”

The patient said, “She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to my surgeon!”

Irish farmer in a car accident

An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident. In court, the lorry company's hotshot solicitor was questioning Seamus. "Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?’ asked the solicitor”.

Seamus responded: "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the . . ."

"I didn't ask for any details, the solicitor interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"

Seamus said, " Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road . . ."

The solicitor interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine.

Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Shamus' answer and said to the solicitor: "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie."

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up.

He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now what the hell would you have said?"

Blonde Down on Her Luck

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid,took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground."

Signed,
A Blonde

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

Married 25 Years

When a man was married 25 years, he took a look at his wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap rented house and a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed, and watched a 19-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde.

"Now we have an $800,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice bed, and a plasma screen TV, but now I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

His wife, being a very reasonable woman, told him to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde and she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap rented house, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 19-inch black-and-white TV, if he was lucky.

Old Man at Mall

An old Man he was watching a teenager sitting next to him at a Mall.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green,red, orange, and blue.
The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find old man staring at him every time.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked,'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

He Replied
'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock.I was just wondering if you were my son.

"Which people?"

Wife goes to supermarket, sees man's underwear on sale.
She buys a dozen of the same colour.
She goes home and gives it to her hubby.
Her hubby protests angrily: " Why do you buy all the same colour? People will think I never change underwear!!

The wife, confused, asks with a soft low voice,

"Which people?"

Cuckoo

A blonde named Barbara appeared on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. ...

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far, $500,000 and one lifeline left--phone a friend. The next question will give you the first ever million dollars if you get it right.... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000...are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure I'll have a go."

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it...A-Robin, B-Sparrow, C-Cuckoo or D-Thrush Remember, Barbara, it's worth 1 million dollars."

Barbara: "Oh, gees, that's simple.... it’s a cuckoo.."

Regis: "You're sure? You can stick on $500,000 or play on for the million."

Barbara: "I want to play; I'll go with C-Cuckoo."

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is"

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Absolutely"

Regis: "Barbara, you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo. Well....you' re right! You have just won 1 MILLION DOLLARS!!!! Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

That night Barbara calls her friend Carol and they go to a local bar for a celebration drink.

As they are sipping champagne, Carol turns to Barbara and asks, "Tell me, how in God's name did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?" "Get real!"

Barbara replies, "Everybody knows cuckoos live in clocks!"

Futuristic Hotel

A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan.
Realising he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there  was a barber on the premises.
'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00'. 'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.' The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the pening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit......which now had a button sewn neatly on the end... Ouch!!!!

One way street

A policeman pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
The cop asks, "Do you know where you were going?"
The blonde says, "No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the cars were leaving."

RODEO

Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first cowboy says his favorite position is the "rodeo".
The other cowboy asks what the position is, and how do you do it?
The first cowboy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style.
Once things start to get under way and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear: "Your sister likes this position too."
Then try to hang on for 8 seconds.

To Be 6 Again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

Nun at Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use the rest-room, walked into a Local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off."
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the rest-room?"
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand.
Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the rest-room?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

Don't copy if you can't paste

A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience.

He Said: "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!" The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added: "And that woman was my mother!"

Laughter and applause.

A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink. He said loudly to his wife who was preparing dinner, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"

The wife went; "ah!" with shock and rage. Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "... and I can't remember who she was!"

By the time the manager regained his consciousness, he was on a hospital bed nursing burns from boiling water.

Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste!

Catwalks falls and fails

We love to watch these, Don't we?


Smart Pope

The top marketing director of Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

The Nescafe official whispers, 'Your Eminence, I have some business to discuss. We at Nescafe have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church . if you change the Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."

The Pope is angry and shouts, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord, It must not be changed.

" Well," says the Nescafe man somewhat taken aback, "We anticipated this. For this reason, and the importance of the Lord's prayer to all catholics, we will increase our offer to $300 million. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."

Again, even more sternly, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. Finally, the Nescafe director says, "but we do have one final offer. Please discuss it with your cardinals. We will donate $500 million to the great church

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some Good news," he announces, "and some bad news ..... The good news is, he continues to a hushed assembly, ' that the Church will get $ 500 million."

"And what is the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.

"Sadly" says the Pope , We would have to lose the Britannia Account ...

Pregnant Woman

A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician’s office. After the exam, she shyly said “My husband wants me to ask you…” The doctor interrupts “I know… I know…” placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, “I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.” “No, that’s not it…” the woman confessed. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”

Its Logic

A guy sees his new neighbor out in his backyard, so he decides to get acquainted. After introductions, he asks the new neighbor what he does for a living.
The new neighbor says, "I'm a professor." The first neigbhbor then asks, "Oh yeah, what do you teach?"
"Logic," the professor reponds.
"What is that?" the neighbor inquires.
"Well, let me see if I can give you an example...you have a dog, right?"
"Yeah, that's right," neighbor #1 responds.
"And you have children too, right?" says the professor.
"Wow, right again!" exclaims the neighbor.
"So, then you must be married and that would make you a heterosexual, right?" proclaims the professor.
"Unbelievable, you're absolutely correct. How do you know all this about me?"
"Well," the professor says, "I observed there was a dog house in your backyard, so you must have a dog. I also saw bicycles next to your garage, so you must have children. And if you have children, you are probably married and if your married, you are most likely heterosexual... it was all logical!"
The next afternoon, the neighbor runs into his old friend. His friend asks if he has met the new neighbor. The man says that he met him yesterday.
"What's he like?"
"Well," the man says, "he's nice and he is a professor of logic."
"Oh," says the friend, "what's logic?"
"Maybe I can give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
"Why, no, I do not," responds the friend.
"Well, then," proclaims the man, "you must be gay!"

Too Loooong

A man with a 20-inch penis went to his doctor to complain that he was unable to get any women to have sex with him because they all told him that his penis was too long.
"Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "Is there any way you can shorten it?"
The doctor replied, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But I do know a witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gave him directions to the witch's place.
The man went to see the witch the next day, and told her his sad story.
"Witch, my penis is 20 inches long, and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?"
The witch asked him to pull it out so she could have a look at it.
The man uncoiled his 20-inch penis. The witch stared in amazement, scratched her head, and then replied, "I think I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to this pond deep in the forest. In the pond you will see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. You must ask the frog, `will you marry me?' Each time the frog declines your proposal, your penis will be 4 inches shorter."
The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He came upon the pond and, sure enough, there sat the frog on a log. He uncoiled his huge python-like penis and called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?"
The frog looked at him with some disdain, and replied, "NO."
The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 4 inches shorter!
"WOW!" he screamed out loud. Then he said to himself, "This is great! But it's still too long at 16 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again."
Once more he shouted to the frog, "Frog, will you marry me?"
The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"
The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 4 inches shorter! The man laughed, and shouted, "This is fantastic!"
He looked down at his penis once more, and by now it was only 12 inches long, so he reflected for a moment. "Twelve inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal," he thought. "So, I'll ask the frog to marry me ONE more time."
Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog, will you marry me?"
The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head in frustration and said, "NO! NO! . . . And for the last time, NO!"

College Rules

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to
the female students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.
Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.
Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"

One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"

Golf Buddies

There was an old man named Bill, and one of the things he most enjoyed was playing golf with his old buddy Fred. Bill's wife always commented on how happy he looked after a game.

But one day he came home from their weekly game looking terrible and very tired. His wife asked, "What's the matter, Bill? You always seem so happy after golf and you look miserable right now."

Bill said, "Well, something terrible happened. Fred had a heart attack on the first hole."
"My God, honey!" said the wife, rushing to comfort him. "That must've been terrible!"
"It was," he said. "All day long it was: hit the ball, drag Fred to the ball, and then hit it again..."

Death Row in Women's Prison

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim..."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"
Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim..."
Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim..."







And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"

Blonde NASA Engineer

NASA sends a space shuttle up with two pigs and a blonde on board. While the shuttle is taking off, the NASA command center calls the first pig and asks, "Pig #1, do you know your mission?"
The pig replies, "Oink oink. Get the shuttle into orbit and launch the trillion dollar satellite. Oink oink."
Then NASA Control asks the second pig, "Pig #2, do you know your mission?"
The second pig replies, "Oink oink. Once Pig #1 has completed the trillion dollar satellite launch, close hatch, and go back to Earth. Land shuttle. Oink oink."
Then NASA asks the blonde, "Blonde woman, do you know your mission?"
The blonde woman replies, "Ummmmmmm.... Oh yeah, I remember now. 'Feed the pigs - and DON'T
TOUCH A GODDAMNED THING!"

I like the way you think

Dirty Little Johnny is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.
"Yeah teach?" he replies.
"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
Johnny answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."
"No, Johnny, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"
The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Johnny, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."
Johnny replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you think!"

To Barber's house

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours."
The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks,
"How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours."
The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half."
The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says,
"Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks,
"Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

The Pastor's Ass

A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and, on being told there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to buy one and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He thought that since he had it he might as well go ahead and entered it in the race and, much to his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the local paper carried this headline:

PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day, the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. Headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The Bishop was buried the next day.

Holy Prostitutes

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.....It reads:

*SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES *

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:

*SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES *

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

*SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT *

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

*SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS*

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

*GO IN PEACE. *
*YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.*
*SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.*

Husband VS Wife

Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!
Wife: No darling, it means,
With Idiot For Ever

************ ********* ********* *********

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,
So I'd be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,
So I could have a new one everyday.

************ ********* ********* *********
Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you

************ ********* ********* *********

Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.
Husband: You should have known it the minute. I asked you to marry me.

************ ** ******* ********* *********

Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it. So I bought 3 movie tickets.
Wife: Why Three?
Husband: For you and your parents

************ ********* ********* *********

Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest ?
Husband: A lovely Push...!!!

Things in Golf that Sound Dirty

  1. Look at the size of his putter.
  2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
  3. You really waked the hell out of that sucker.
  4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
  5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
  6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
  7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
  8. Just turn your back and drop it.
  9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
  10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

Pink Curtains

A Blonde enters a store that sells curtains.

She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.

He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.

The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?"

The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "But Miss, computers do not need curtains!"

The blonde says, "Hellllooooooooo ... I've got Windoooooows!"

Preacher`s Salary

The Preacher explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City, stands up and proclaims, "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!"

More sighs and loud applause. Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex."

There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie's 90 year old husband, Jake, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Screw the Preacher'."

Convertible

There was this boy in high school that was what you would consider a nerd. Anyway he had his own lab in the basement of his home and one night he came up and said "Dad look what I made." So he poured a flask of fluid into a pot of soil and instantly grass started to grow.
Of course his dad was really impressed with this and asked his son if he can make something to make his penis grow.
His son thought for a minute and said that if he did then dad would have to buy him a convertible. Dad agreed.
The next night the son came out of the basement and gave his dad a vial. The next morning his father came to him and told him that he had something to show him. They went to the front yard and the boy saw a cherry red Ferrari.
The son looked at his dad and said "I only asked for a convertible."
The dad replied "The convertible is in the garage. The Ferrari is from your mother."

Tracey is Wrong


Who Enjoy Sex More

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument over which gender enjoyed sex more. The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?” “That doesn’t prove anything!” the woman countered. “Think about this… when your ear itches and you put your finger in it to scratch, then pull it out, which feels better – your ear or your finger?”

Santa goes to buy a book

Santa Singh goes to a Library and asks for a book "Psyco- the- rapist".
The Librarian searches for an hour, comes back and slaps him
and says  "IDIOT-the Book is called Psycotherapist".

Husband and Wife - How the fights start?

My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on the TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started...

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...

******************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started...

******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive...
so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...

*****************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago,
and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife,
'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started....

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason took my order first.
"I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started....

******************************************

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started...

Lord of the Flies


Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional... The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wo n derful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody

You Better be Good

Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been fighting a lot this year. This happens when you combine a headstrong two-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young adolescent.

Sarah's parents, trying to take advantage of her newfound interest in Santa Claus, reminded the two-year-old that Santa was watching and doesn't like it when children fight. This had little impact.

"I'll just have to tell Santa about your misbehavior," the mother said as she picked up the phone and dialed. Sarah's eyes grew big as her mother asked "Mrs. Claus" (really Sarah's aunt; Santa's real line was busy) if she could put Santa on the line. Sarah's mouth dropped open as Mom described to Santa (Sarah's uncle) how the two-year-old was acting. But, when Mom said that Santa wanted to talk to her, she reluctantly took the phone.

Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how there would be no presents Christmas morning to children who fought with their sisters. He would be watching, and he expected things to be better from now on.

Sarah, now even more wide eyed, solemnly nodded to each of Santa's remarks and silently hung the phone up when he was done. After a long moment, Mom (holding in her chuckles at being so clever) asked, "What did Santa say to you, dear?"

In almost a whisper, Sarah sadly but matter-of-factly stated, "Santa said he won't be bringing toys to my sister this year."

Little Johnny Doesn't Want to Know

 A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears. Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grown ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!"

Application for Employment

To: The Personnel manager

RE: Replacement of the dead manager

I refer to the recent death of the manager at your company and wish to apply for the replacement of the dead manager.

Each time I apply for employment I am told there is no vacancy but on this one I even attended the funeral and the all burial process and made sure that I hear from you who will take up the position. All I can remember is you saying that he will be difficult to replace meaning there is no one at the moment.

Its sad that he has left us but at least I benefit as he has left a vacancy for me.

I only hope there will be no corruption as we are all still mourning. He was my neighbor and it will be easy for me to continue with his legacy because I was seeing the time he was come for work and knocking off.

I will be sending my pictures whilst attending the funeral and burial so that you can see how tough I was and can be when employed.

Thanks for advertising the funeral because I could not have known.

Yours XYZ,

The Waiter and the Blonde

A waiter was working one night, when a beautiful Blonde was seated in his section. He went over to take her order, and saw that she was crying.
"What's wrong, miss? Are you ok?" he asked.
Wiping tears from her eyes, she looked up at him and said, "My boyfriend just dumped me, and today is my birthday. Nice gift, isn't it?"
The waiter talked with her a few moments, and was able to get her to stop crying. He kept a close eye on her, and when she had finished her meal, he went into the kitchen, cut a large slice from the best cake on the menu, and stuck a candle in it. He lit the candle, and brought it to her table. She looked very happy, and he was glad. He said, "Make a wish and blow!"

She closed her eyes, and made her wish. Then she came up to the waiter, got down on her knees, unzipped his pants, pulled out his cock, and started sucking on it. He had no idea why she was doing this, but she was really into it, sucking away, and playing with his balls. He knew that he should stop her-they didn't even know each others names-but hey, when you've got a hot blonde sucking on your cock, like you're really going to say, no don't suck it.
He stood there, enjoying every moment, and when she made him cum, he exploded inside her mouth, and she swallowed every drop of his huge, hot load. She looked up at him with a smile, and said, "Did you like it?"
He said, "Yes, of course, you suck cock great... but I'm just wondering why you suddenly started sucking my cock??"
She looked confused. "Well, I was just doing what you told me to."
Now he's confused. "What I told you to?"

Smiling, she says, "Don't tell me you forgot already... You said, 'Make a wish and blow!'"

The Black Sheep

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."

Smart Blonde

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "what is 1 and 1?"
"Eleven," she replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow."

He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

Sexy Watch

A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, "Wow, that's a really fancy watch." Thanks, says the guy, "It's the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it'll answer me, telepathically."

"Rubbish," says the girl.

"No, it's true," says that guy. "Look, tell you what, I'll prove it. I'll ask it if you've got any panties on."

The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, "Nope, it says you haven't got any panties on."

"Well, it's wrong," says the girl, "I do have panties on."

"Damn," says the guy, slapping his watch, "it's an hour fast!"

Pregnancy Q & A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough for anyone.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Three Dead Bodies

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress.
Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey.
Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Bubba, from Arkansas,
30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken."

Trip to Airport!!

One woman stops a taxi.
- To the airport, please.
After ten minutes the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says:
- You are third pregnant woman that I have driven to the airport today.
- Are you kidding me, I am not pregnant.
- Well, you haven’t arrived to the airport yet neither.

Alligator Shoes

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

What's for Dinner?

A concerned husband goes to see the family doctor and says, "I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time I say something, in fact, I often have to repeat things over and over again."

"Well," the doctor replies, "go home and tonight and stand about 15 feet from her and say something. If she doesn't reply, move about five feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so we can get an idea about the severity of her deafness."

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen and as she is chopping some vegetables, he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

He gets no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

Devil in Church

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.

Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

Little Johnny as usual

Johnny watched his mother as she folded up an intricate piece of lace she had just crocheted.
"Where did you get the pattern, Mamma?" he questioned.
"Out of my head," she answered lightly.
"Does your head feel better now, Mamma?" he asked anxiously.

Reasons why it's great to be a Guy

  1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 
  2. You know stuff about tanks. 
  3. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase. 
  4. Monday Night Football. 
  5. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. 
  6. You can open all your own jars. 
  7. Old friends don't annoy you if you've lost or gained weight. 
  8. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind. 
  9. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying. 
  10. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex. 
  11. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you. 
  12. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go. 
  13. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. 
  14. Your last name stays put. 
  15. You can leave a hotel bed unmade. 
  16. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you. 
  17. You can kill your own food. 
  18. The garage is all yours. 
  19. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 
  20. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment. 
  21. You never have to clean the toilet. 
  22. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes. 
  23. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 
  24. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. 
  25. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack. 
  26. The National College Cheerleading Championship 
  27. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry. 
  28. You don't have to shave below your neck. 
  29. If you're 34 and single nobody notices. 
  30. Everything on your face stays its original color. 
  31. Chocolate is just another snack. 
  32. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat. 
  33. Flowers fix everything. 
  34. You never have to worry about other people's feelings. 
  35. You can wear a white shirt to a water park. 
  36. Three pair of shoes are more than enough. 
  37. You can eat a banana in a hardware store. 
  38. You can say anything and not worry about what people think. 
  39. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe. 
  40. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day. 
  41. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by. 
  42. Car mechanics tell you the truth. 
  43. You don't care if someone notices your new haircut. 
  44. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking: He must be mad at me. 
  45. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you. 
  46. You get to jump up and slap stuff. 
  47. One mood, all the time. 
  48. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him. 
  49. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle. 
  50. Same work....more pay. 
  51. Gray hair and wrinkles add character. 
  52. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. 
  53. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back. 
  54. You don't mooch off others' desserts. 
  55. The remote is yours and yours alone. 
  56. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. 
  57. ESPN's sports center. 
  58. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift. 
  59. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother. 
  60. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom. 
  61. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed. 
  62. Someday you'll be a dirty old man. 
  63. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies. 
  64. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary. 
  65. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room. 
  66. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. 
  67. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries. 
  68. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
  69. Baywatch 
  70. There is always a game on somewhere.

Make Best Use Of Opportunity

A wife was having coffee with a girlfriend of hers when she confided to her,
"Our marriage has never been that great, but this year has been the absolute worst between my husband and I. Harry often yells at me, criticizes me, puts me down, plus he never helps out with anything around the house, and I keep getting the feeling that he's screwing his secretary. I can't eat, I can't sleep...in fact, I've already lost eight pounds this month along!"
"Well, why don't you dump the bastard?!?" her friend said.
To which the wife replied, "Oh, I plan to do that, but first I want to get my weight down to 115 pounds."

NEW EMPLOYEE MANUAL

Welcome aboard! You are one of our most valued new employees. Enclosed please find some helpful guidelines to company policy.

OVERTIME - The Company has an optional overtime policy - you have the option of working forty hours of overtime or eighty hours of overtime.

PROMOTION - The Company rewards hard work and devotion. We like to think that if you work hard and devote enough time and energy to the company, you will be rewarded by being allowed to train the CEO's son when he is promoted to Vice President over you.

STOCK OPTIONS - You may buy shares in the company when it goes public. So named because you'll be working in the stock room at Wal-Mart when the company goes belly-up due to your incompetence.

401k - This is how much money you'll lose under your "Stock Option" plan.

HELLTH PLAN- No, that isn't a misprint; you now belong to an H.M.O. That stands for "Hell's Medical Organization." It was organized by some of Hell's finest minds: Hitler, Genghis Khan, and Josef Stalin worked night and day to create a 162-page manual documenting the exact terms of your coverage, but it all boils down to three points:

1) You belong to the HMO. We mean that literally - as of now, the HMO owns you. To insure that you don't forget your subscriber number, we will tattoo it to your forehead.

2) You have been assigned a primary care physician. You will not be told your physician's name. You may never see your physician. Your physician is imaginary. If you see any doctor without express written permission of your imaginary primary care physician, you will be forced to pay full price, plus eat your weight in lard.

3) You are not covered under this plan.

TERMINATION- All employees will be given two weeks notice upon being fired. We like to feel that this gives an employee a "grace period" to steal all of the office supplies that he or she may have forgotten to take during his or her period of employment.

COMPLAINTS - May be made anonymously in the box marked "Complaints" in the employee break room. All complaints will be reviewed, processed, and fed to an angry Rottweiler named Frankie

Why Office Staff Tired?

Ever wonder why office staff are always dead tired by the end of the day and companies require no further physical fitness programmes for their employees ??? REASONS BEING... Everyone gets enough exercise:

Jumping to conclusion
Beating around the bush
Running down the boss
Going around the circles
Dragging their feet
Passing the buck
Climbing the ladder
Wading through paperwork
Pulling strings
Throwing their weight around
Stretching the truth
Bending the rules, and
Pushing their luck

No wonder they are all tired at the end of a working day!!!!

Growing Wild

Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.

One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.

He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the dand except for the one part sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."

The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"

The first little old lady says, "Look at that."

"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."

"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."

"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."

"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."

"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."

"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."

"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."

"And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"

Who was God's son?

A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test."
"Oh, No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy.
"Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter.
The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!"
"That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter
Then She started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me!
Andy tells me.......

Office Inspirational Posters:



  1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them. 
  2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation. 
  3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security. 
  4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 
  5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity 
  6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat. 
  7. Plagarism saves time. 
  8. If at first you don't succeed, try management. 
  9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. 
  10. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

I am Hiding !!!!

A telephone salesperson makes a call to an unknown prospect and a very small, very soft, very quiet, and obviously young person answers the phone.
Sales person: Hello, may I speak to the man of the house please?
Youngster: (whispering) No, he's busy.
Sales person: Well then, can I please speak to your mother?
Youngster: (in a whisper) She's busy too.
Sales person: I see, how about your brother or sister? Can I speak to him?
Youngster: (whispering) No. They're both busy too.
Sales person: (losing patience) Is there anybody else there I could talk to???
Youngster: (in a whisper) Yeah, the police are here...but they are busy too...
Sales person: ( by now quite exasperated) What are all these people doing that keeps them so busy?!!!
Youngster: (still whispering) Looking for me.

The Christmas Gift

The time is mid December some year, and Norway has a new ambassador in the USA since two months. The telephone rings at his office.
- Good morning Mr Ambassador, I'm from the New York Times, I wonder what you would like for Christmas present.
The new ambassador isn't stupid. He goes strictly by the rules, so there won't be any scandal.
- Listen now Mr. I don't want any present. A present would be seen at as a bribe, and I won't let that happen: said the ambassador.
The next day, the phone rings again.
- Good morning Mr Ambassador, I'm from the New York Times. I'm still interested in what you would like to have for Christmas present.
The ambassador explains why he can't take any gifts, and the conversation ends. The next day, the New York Times journalist rings again. This time the ambassador is quite upset.
- I thought, I told you already. No presents!
Then he said.
- Ok a fruit bowl would be nice, it really would.
Now he hopes the journalist will leave him. He is also sure; a fruit bowl is harmless and won't cause any scandal.

Two days later, the New York Times writes......
WHAT THE AMBASSADORS WANT FOR CHRISTMAS PRESENT

Germany's ambassador wishes a stable economy in the world.
France's ambassador wants continued good east-west relations
Sweden's ambassador wishes an end of the starvations in the third world.
.
.
.
Norway's ambassador wants a fruit bowl.

Moods

The Moods of a Woman:
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose.
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.

The Moods of a Man:
Hungry. Horny. Sleepy.

Lady Elephant

So this lady elephant is walking along the forest, when she gets a sliver in her foot. It`s really quite painful, so when she sees this bunny rabbit on the forest floor, she asks him to pull the sliver out.

The rabbit says, "Okay, but if I do this favour for you, you have to promise to do a favour for me."

"All right," says the elephant, "what?"

"Well you see," says the rabbit, "I haven`t gotten my rocks off in a long time. I`ve had no action at all, and I thought that you might help me."

The elephant is a little shocked, but she wants that sliver out, so she agrees.

So the rabbit pulls the sliver out and says, "Okay, get ready," and jumps up there and starts going to town with the elephant.

This monkey in a tree nearby sees this little bunny rabbit going at with the elephant, and he starts jumping up and down and laughing in the tree. He jumps so hard that a coconut falls out of the tree and hits the elephant on the head.

The elephant says, "Ouch!"

And the rabbit says, "That`s right b**ch, take it all!"

2 Mexican on a Bikes

Two Mexicans are on a bike along U.S. Hwy 52 about 15 miles outside of Lafayette , LA The bike's tires go flat, and they start hitching a lift back into town.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help, and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them he has no room in the trailer as he is carrying eggs.

The Mexicans put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit into the back with their bike, will he take them back into town, and he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back, and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. By this time, he is really late and so puts the hammer down. Sure enough, 'Old Smokey' pulls him over for speeding.

The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which the driver jokingly replies, "Mexican eggs."

The Cop obviously doesn't believe this; so he wants to take a look in the trailer. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets on his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible, plus the Swat Team.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers. "I've got a tractor-trailer
stopped with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it... two have hatched and they've managed to steal a bike already.
I need help!"

Talking Clock

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied. A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup", replied the drunk.
How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You a**hole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!"

I can't keep a secret


A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together.

One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.

Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?" The other three agreed.

The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."

The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."

The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret....

On a Patch

"Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock. We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"
"Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What?," asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', okay?", said Earl.
They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch!" 

Compilation of Mexican Words

'Heater' - My little sister started to choke, perro my mom told me to heater in the back.

'Juicy' - Hey Vato, I will roll a joint and ju tell me if juicy the cops!

'Sodas' - My vieja looks good and sodas her sister.

'Cheese' - Maria likes me pero cheese too fat.

'Chile ' - When my wife and I were dating, she was fine, but since we got married chile herself go.

'Juarez ' - My vieja slapped me and I said, juarez your *uckin problem! Bish!

'Chicken' - My wife wanted me to go to the store, but chicken go herself.

'Harrassment' - Orale vato my old lady caught me n bed wit my sancha pero harrasment nothing to me!!!

'Water' - My vieja gets mad and I dont even know water problem is.

'Brief' - My homie farted gacho bad, and I could not brief.

'Mushroom' - Orale vato, when all my familia gets in the car, there is not mushroom.

'Frito' - After arguing with the pinche policia he told me i wuz frito go.

'Wafer' - I wanted to go to the movies with my friends, pero los mensos didn't wafer me.

'July' - You told me you were going to the store and July to me! Julyer!

'Liver and Cheese' - Some vato tried to sweet talk my ruca, I told him 'orale loco liver alone, cheese mines.' 

Three Married Couples

Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Joe the Bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".

The second man married a telephone operator. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he`s a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...".

The third man married a school teacher. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself "poor guy, she`s pretty but teachers are just too frigid".

The next morning Joe reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher`s husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.

6:00 a.m.
The phone rings it`s the nurse`s husband wanting breakfast. The nurse`s husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man`s pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.

Joe asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse."

The man sourly replies, "Son, don`t ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying " you`re not sanitary, you`re not sanitary".

Joe went back down to the main desk to wait for the next call.

6:30 a.m.
The telephone operator`s husband calls for breakfast. Joe brings it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opens the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man`s hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed.

Joe asks," What happened? Telephone operators are suppose to be as sexy as their voices."

The man sourly replies "Son, don`t ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up."

Joe went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband will be calling any minute.

4:30 p.m.
The teacher`s husband called for breakfast. Joe can`t believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. The man opened the door and Joe took a step back in shock. He wore only his boxers and his hair was a mess. He had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs.

Joe fearing the worst asked " What happened to you? Did you have a fight?"

The man smiles and happily replies, "No. Son, when you marry be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We are going to do this over and over, until we get it right."

Scrumptiuos Platter

An American was touring Mexico. After his day's sight-seeing, he stops at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he notices a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only it looked good, but the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What was that you just served the gentleman at the next table?"
The waiter replied, " Ah, senor, you have excellent taste! Those were the bull's testicles from the bull-fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American was momentarily daunted when he learnt the origin of the dish. But then he said, "What the hell? I am on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am sorry, senor. There is only one serving a day, since there is only one bull-fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, you will be sure to have this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, he called the waiter and said, "These are smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter replied, " Si, senor, I know. But sometimes the bull wins."

Husband and Wife Talking in Bed

Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I'm Hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Wife: Booooooo ..!(Sob-Sob)
Husband: Alright, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can't find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it.
Husband: There. Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that's fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.

Grandma and Grandpa

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said: "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care:" said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said: "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."

"I know," said Grandpa "The hundred is from Grandma!"

The Blonde and Two Chimps

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified to see the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over, so now we're going to Sea World."

I have changed my mind - Hilarious

Pete and Mary were walking home from the pub when Mary says: "I need a piss" an goes behind a bush and drops her knickers.

Feeling horny, Pete puts his hand through the bush and feels something dangling between Mary's legs. He says "have you changed sex?"

Mary says "no, I have changed my mind, I am having a shit!"

Jon and Dan

Jon and Dan are in a mental institution which has an annual contest that picks two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they answer correctly, they are released.

Jon is called into the doctor's office first. The doctor says: "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"

Jon says: "I'd be half blind."

"That's correct. What would happen if I poked out both your eyes?"

"I'd be completely blind." The doctor tells him that he is free to go. On Jon's way out he tells Dan the questions and answers.

The doctor asks Dan: "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?"

Dan says: "I'd be half blind."

The doctor, slightly puzzled, continues, "What would happen if I cut off both your ears?"

"I'd be completely blind."

"Dan, how can you explain that you'd be blind?" asks the doctor.

"Well," replies Dan, "my hat would fall over my eyes."

Love at First Sight


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