I have changed my mind - Hilarious

Pete and Mary were walking home from the pub when Mary says: "I need a piss" an goes behind a bush and drops her knickers.

Feeling horny, Pete puts his hand through the bush and feels something dangling between Mary's legs. He says "have you changed sex?"

Mary says "no, I have changed my mind, I am having a shit!"

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Jon and Dan

Jon and Dan are in a mental institution which has an annual contest that picks two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they answer correctly, they are released.

Jon is called into the doctor's office first. The doctor says: "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"

Jon says: "I'd be half blind."

"That's correct. What would happen if I poked out both your eyes?"

"I'd be completely blind." The doctor tells him that he is free to go. On Jon's way out he tells Dan the questions and answers.

The doctor asks Dan: "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?"

Dan says: "I'd be half blind."

The doctor, slightly puzzled, continues, "What would happen if I cut off both your ears?"

"I'd be completely blind."

"Dan, how can you explain that you'd be blind?" asks the doctor.

"Well," replies Dan, "my hat would fall over my eyes."

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Love at First Sight

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Work at IT

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Hilarious One Liners

• Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
• Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.
• Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
• I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.
• A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
• Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
• Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
• You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
• Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
• Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
• Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
• My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
• Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
• Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
• A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
• You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
• It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
• Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
• Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
• Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something
• They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!
• It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
• There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
• There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it.

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Senior Couple at a Gas Station

A senior couple pulls up to a gas station: Attendant: How may I help you?

Old Man: Please fill it up. Old Lady: What did he say?

Old Man [yelling]: He asked what we wanted and I told him to fill it up.

Attendant: So, where are you heading?

Old Man: To Chicago to see our Grandchildren.

Old Lady: What did he say?

Old Man [yelling]: He asked where we're going. I told him we're going to see the Grand kids.

Attendant: It sure is a nice day for a drive. Old Man: Yes, it's been quite pleasant.

Old Lady: What did he say?

Old Man: He said its good weather.

Attendant: Where are you coming from?

Old Man: We started our trip from Pittsburgh.

Old Lady: What did he say?

Old Man: He asked where we're from and I said Pittsburgh.

Attendant: I dated a girl from Pittsburgh once. She wouldn't shut up and was lousy in bed.

Old lady: What did he say?

Old Man: He says he knows you

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Big John doesn’t pay!

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops, a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down the ground.He glared at the driver and said, “ Big John doesn’t pay!” and sat down at the back.

The driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek… Naturally, he didn’t argue with Big John, but he wasn’t happy about it. The next day the same thing happened Big John got on again, said “Big John doesn’t pay!” and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This irritated the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of his size.

Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building program, karate, judo and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong;

So on the next Monday, when Big John got on the bus and said, “ Big John doesn’t pay!” the driver stood up, glared back and screamed, “And why not?” With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, “Big John has a Bus pass.”

Moral of the story: First be sure is there a problem before working hard to solve one. :D

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I was the boy

Johnny hasn't been to school long, but he already holds some peculiar views regarding the administration of his particular room.

The other day he came home with a singularly morose look on his usually smiling face.

"Why, Johnny," said his mother, "what's the matter?"

"I ain't going to that old school no more," he fiercely announced.

"Why, Johnny," said his mother reproachfully, "you mustn't talk like that. What's wrong with the school?"

"I ain't goin' there no more," Johnny replied; "an" it's because all th' boys in my room is blamed old cowards!"

"Why, Johnny, Johnny!"

"Yes, they are. There was a boy whisperin' this mornin', an' teacher saw him an' bumped his head on th' desk ever an' ever so many times. An' those big cowards sat there an' didn't say quit nor nothin'. They let that old teacher bang th' head off th' poor little boy, an' they just sat there an' seen her do it!"

"And what did you do, Johnny?"

"I didn't do nothin'—I was the boy!"—

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Who's First

A young woman who was about to wed decided at the last moment to test her sweetheart. So, selecting the prettiest girl she knew, she said to her, though she knew it was a great risk.

"I'll arrange for Jack to take you out tonight—a walk on the beach in the moonlight, a lobster supper and all that sort of thing—and I want you, in order to put his fidelity to the proof, to ask him for a kiss."

The other girl laughed, blushed and assented. The dangerous plot was carried out. Then the next day the girl in love visited the pretty one and said anxiously:

"Well, did you ask him?"

"No, dear."

"No? Why not?"

"I didn't get a chance. He asked me first."

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10 COMMANDMENTS OF MARRIAGE

Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.

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Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say; talk in your sleep.

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Commandment 3
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

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Commandment 4

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

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Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

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Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

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Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

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Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.

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Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wives treat husbands like toxic waste.

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Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

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Bonus Commandment ( Story )
A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a moment but then smiled.

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Skiing

Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The lads go along there, only to be told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.
That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I had the best wank last night."
The guy on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".
The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."

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Free!!!

Two men drove to a gas station because they heard about a contest offered by the station to clients who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.

"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," explained the attendant.

"How do we enter?" asked the first man.

"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10. If you guess right, you win free sex."

"Okay... I guess 7," said the first man.

"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."

The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.

"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10. If you guess right, you win free sex."

"2," said the second man.

"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."

As they walked back to the car, the first man said to his friend, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."

"No way," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week."

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Playing Safe

The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"The dying man said nothing.The priest repeated his advice. Still the dying man said nothing.The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody!"

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Photographer

A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze.

When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him.

He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers take photographs."The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

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Concern

A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo.Father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and junior was taking it all in with a serious expression.

Dad," the boy said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up ..."Yes, son?" the father said expectantly."What bus should I take home?" the boy finished.

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Escape

Banta was in jail serving 30 years for robbing banks. After serving about 12 years he is notified that his Uncle from Ludhiana has died and left him over 50 lacs. Banta was so happy when the warden said he would put it in trust untll he was released.
The warden asked him if there was anything he wanted to buy before tying the money up. Banta said he had read a lot about computers and wanted a computer.
The warden said "sure" and got him a computer.
A brand new Compaq computer. After a few weeks the warden visitied him in his cell to see how he was doing. To his amazement he saw the computer smashed on the floor.
The warden asked Banta what happened. Banta said it didn`t work right and he got mad. He said it would not even complete the simplest task.
The warden asked him what he wanted the computer to do. Banta said he just wanted one thing from the computer. One simple task and it could not do it.
Banta said, "I hit the escape key and nothing happened, I hit the key again and still nothin, I am still here. I think I will sue Compaq."

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Anniversary Night

On their anniversary night, Santa and his wife, Jeeto, sat down in the den with her favourite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself.
"How romantic!" Jeeto thought.
Two-and-a-half hours later, Jeeto was still waiting for dinner to be served.
She tiptoed to the kitchen and found it a colossal mess. Santa, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway.
"Almost ready!" he vowed. "Sorry it took me so long, I had to refill the pepper shaker."
"Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?"
"More than an hour, I reckon. Wasn`t easy stuffin` it through those dumb little holes."

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Quit Complaining About Your Job

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Threesome!!!

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A General Approach

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um. . . no."

" - or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "

" - or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!?"

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Bar Drink

A very thirsty man goes into a bar. As he waits to get the bartender's attention, a regular sitting next to him calls out, "I'll have another waterloo."

The bartender gives the regular a tall ice cold drink and asks the newcomer what he would like. The thirsty man points to the man next to him and says, "That looks great! I'll have what he's having, a waterloo." So the bartender brings the newcomer a tall ice cold drink.

The man takes a long deep drink and calls out, "HEY! This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!"

The regular bar patron sitting next to him says, "It is water, buddy. That's all I drink." He turns to the bartender and says, "Right Lou?"

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Golfer in Ireland

A golfer in Ireland hit a bad hook into the woods. Looking for the ball, he discovered a Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head, and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer took his water bottle from his belt and poured it over the little green guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! Wha happen?" the leprechaun says. "Oh, I see. Waal, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes. Whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm glad you're okay, and I apologize. I didn't mean to hit you." And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the leprechaun says to himself. "But it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for him.! I'll give him three things I would want a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by (as it does in jokes like this) and the golfer is back, hits another bad ball into the woods and finds the leprechaun waiting for him.

"'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I wanted to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"That's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm a famous international golfer now," the golfer answers. "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game. And tell me, how's yer money?"
"Why, I win fortunes in golf. But if I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills all day long."

" I did that fer ye. And how's yer sex life?"
"The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "Errr, all right, I suppose."
"C'mon, c'mon now. I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a day?" Blushing even more, the golfer whispers, "Once -sometimes twice a week."
"What!" says the leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Once or twice a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

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The Butler

A lady enters her mansion and says to her butler:

"Charles, remove my coat."

"Charles, remove my shoes."

"Charles, remove my blouse."

"Charles, remove my skirt."

"Charles, remove my panties."

"Charles, remove my bra."

"Now Charles, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again you'll be dismissed."

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Embarrassing Situations!

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"

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How many women....

After three years of marriage, Julie was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".

Julia promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."

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The 9 Types of Girlfriends

Ms. Nice Gal - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have"
Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat.
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly.
Drawbacks: May wise up someday.

Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell.
Advantages: Pays attention to you.
Drawbacks: Screeches, throws frying pans.

Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite."
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy.
Advantages: Predictable.
Drawbacks: Contagious.

The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom.
Advantages: Often right.
Drawbacks: Often right, but so what?

Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey.
Advantages: Easily soothed.
Drawbacks: Even more easily perturbed.

Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out.
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys.
Drawbacks: Unreliable; drives off cliffs.

Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at"
Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly.
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you.
Drawbacks: You will have no friends.

Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship."
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic.
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable.
Drawbacks: Will read her poetry aloud.

Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now."
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous.
Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited.
Drawbacks: Will have nothing to do with you.

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The 9 Types of Boyfriends

Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup.
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts.
Drawbacks: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy.

Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk.
Advantages: Stays put; predictable.
Drawbacks: Royal pain in the ass.

Flinchy - "I...I'm sorry. For whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you.
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled.
Drawbacks: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle.

Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb.
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled.
Drawbacks: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig.

Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict.
Advantages: Well rested; easy target.
Drawbacks: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams.

The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch.
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt.
Drawbacks: May be having time of his life.

Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster.
Advantages: Perpetually aroused.
Drawbacks: Perpetually aroused.

The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but -"
Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool.
Advantages: Tells good stories.
Drawbacks: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus".

Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy.
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer.
Drawbacks: Hunted to extinction.

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The Father of My Children?

A man was in the supermarket when he saw an attractive woman waving him over and smiling. He walked over, unsure of who she was.

“I’m sorry”, he said, “but I don’t think I recognize you”.

“I think you’re the father of one of my children”, the woman said, smiling.

The man’s heart nearly stopped as he thought back to the one time he had been unfaithful – his bachelor party. “Are you the stripper?” he asked, astonished. “Are you the one who rubbed whipped cream all over me on the pool table while you slapped my butt with a with a wet celery?”

Wide-eyed and shocked the woman replies, “No, I’m your son’s math teacher.”

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Can you tell who is the culprit?

In the middle of a night a woman wakes up and shouts at the guy next to her
"Hurry my husband is home, get out fast"

The guy grabs all his clothes and starts running and all of a sudden he stops and says
"Damn... I'm her husband!!"
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Now Who is the Culprit?

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Toilet Door

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Best toast of the night

"Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

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Would you get married again?

One night, a husband and wife were having a conversation over dinner:

Wife: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
Husband: Definitely not!
Wife: Why not - don't you like being married?
Husband: Of course I do.
Wife: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Husband: Okay, I'd get married again.
Wife: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
Husband: (makes audible groan)
Wife: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Husband: Where else would we sleep?
Wife: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
Husband: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Wife: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Husband: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
Wife: - - - silence - - -
Husband: s*#t.s*#t.s*#t...

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Mommy's Way

A man went to the store with his 3-year-old daughter in tow. Since he was just there to grab some essentials like milk and bread, he opted to save some time by not pushing a cart around the store.

"That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him.

"I know, dear, but Daddy's way is OK, too," he replied.

Leaving the store in the rain and without a cart, he carried the bag of groceries, his daughter, and the milk quickly to the car. Not wanting to set anything down on the wet ground, he set the jug of milk on top of the car, efficiently whisked open the car door with his now free hand, scooted the groceries in and set his daughter into the car seat in one swift motion. Then he hopped in himself.

"That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him again.

"Honey, there's more than one way to do things," he replied patiently. "Daddy's way is OK, too."

As they pulled out and headed down the street, he became aware of the scraping sound on the roof as the jug of milk slid down the length of the rooftop, bounced off the trunk of the car and splattered to the ground, sending a froth of white milk in every direction.

In the millisecond he took to process his mistake, his young daughter looked at him, and in a most serious voice said, "That's NOT the way Mommy does it."

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Mommy's White Hair

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

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Poor in Maths?

Little Zachary was doing quite badly in math. His parents had tried everything. tutors, mentors, flash cards, Special learning Centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother Hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.

His mother was amazed She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.

She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. 'Well, then,' she replied, 'Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?' Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'On the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

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Sam's Wife

Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died. As they stood at the gates of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said, "You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly."

St. Peter looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge."

Next St. Peter looked at John and said, "You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota stationwagon."

St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari."

A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying. "What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You are set forever! Why so down?" Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skate board."

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Fiancee

A young woman brings her fiancee' home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man, so the father invites the fiancee' to his study for a drink.

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar," he replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancee'.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"

The father answers, "The bad news is, he has no job and no plans. However, the good news is he thinks I'm God."

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Where have you been?

Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine.

At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!" "Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and...

"You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!"

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After the Honeymoon

A couple has returned from their honeymoon and it was obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what's wrong.
"Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom, I put a $100 bill on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"

The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though: She gave me $20 change!''

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Funny 'Laws'

• Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
• Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
• Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
• Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
• Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
• Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
• Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
• Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
• Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
• Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach..
• Law of the Theater - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
• The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
• Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
• Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
• Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
• Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
• Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
• Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
• Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

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Drunk in Saudi Arabia

An Englishman, a German and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.

The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back. This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.

The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the Englishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.

The Englishman smiled and said, "Tie the Frenchman to my back."

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Top 10 Things Only Women Understand

10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.

9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.

8. Crying can be fun.

7. FAT CLOTHES.

6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.

5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.

4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.

2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:

1. OTHER WOMEN!

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Grand Son's Query

Grandson to grand father : Grand Pa, what is condom?
Grand father: Get lost, you spoiled Kid. I don't Know what it is.

Father (who was listening): If he would have known about it then there wouldn't have been 8 divisions of property today.

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The Maid’s Pay Raise

A maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.'
The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

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Female Wave Length

Last night Harry and wife were sitting in the living room, talking about life... In-between, they talked about the idea of living or dying.

He said to her: Darling never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die'.

His wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards him....and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the bar and threw away all his whiskey, rum, gin, vodka & the beer in the fridge...

He ALMOST DIED!!

The 2 morals of this story are:

• Think seriously about what you wish for
• The female brain is wired differently and works on a different wavelength from the male

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Three Kick Rule

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell int o a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Australia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Cowra . We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

(I love this part)






The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

When you are educated, you'll believe only half of what you hear. When you're intelligent, you know which half

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Vodafone ZooZoo 2010 Calendar

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Lucky Frog

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,

"Ribbit. 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
"Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.

He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"

The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks.

"Ribbit. 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life.

The man asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit, Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks,"What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man trusts the frog. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.

He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

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Missed it

A businessman and a priest were playing golf.

The businessman swung his rod and missed completely . He swore "Bugger it , missed!" .

Hearing this , the priest got annoyed . "Don't swear like that , myson " he admonished him. The businessman duly apologized and promised to be more careful.

But it happened again the next time he missed. Again the priest admonished him and again he apologized.

When it happened for the third time , the priest flew into a rage and told him that if heswore again , God will surely punish him for that.

The businessman, really contrite , promised to behave himself. So he took careful aim
and swung his rod..and missed. As he started to say "Bugg..", there wasa loud clap of thunder and a streak of lightning struck the priest dead.

Suddenly a voice boomed from the heavens "Bugger it , missed !".

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Come on guys, we're almost there

The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed.

He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails , he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just
come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing
in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

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Martian Sex

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough air points. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, and all things about how they make money. Finally Maureen brought up the subject of sex. 'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen. 'Pretty much the way you do,' responds the Martian woman. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom, where the Martian strips. He's got a teeny, weeny member about 2 cm long and 1 cm thick. `I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen. 'Why?' he asks, 'What's the matter?' 'Well.' she replies. 'it's just not long enough to reach me!' 'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. 'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow.' 'No problem,' he says and starts pulling his ears. With each pull his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. 'Wow!' she exclaims, and they fell into bed and make mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.

As they walk along, Mike asks Maureen, 'Well, was it any good?' 'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?' 'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'

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Mood Rings

My neighbor bought his wife a mood ring the other day so he would be able to better recognize her state of mind.

He says it works really well, but not how he expected.

When she's in a good mood, it turns green.
When she's in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

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I've Been Robbed!

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator," he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

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Giving sad news to a troop

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"

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Finest Bat

Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner!

So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood.

Dracula says, "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said, "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family."

"Very good" said Dracula.

The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Astonished Dracula says, "How did you do that?"

The bat replies, "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children."

"Impressive" said Dracula.

Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned.

"How on earth did you do that????" he asked.

And the bat replies, "Do you see this tower?"

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What is Adolescence ?

The teacher had just finished reading a story to the Fifth-grade class. She decided to check the student's knowledge of some of the vocabulary that had been used.

"Who knows what the word 'adolescent' means?" she asked.

Out of the entire class of 30, not one child raised a hand.

After a few more silent moments, she decided to give them a hint:

"Adolescent - it's something all of you are, and I am not."

Finally Little Johnny tentatively raised his hand, and in a very soft voice said, "Virgins?"

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How to Beat up your Dad!!

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Small World

Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon.

They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the men's game.

"Don't they know their supposed to let us play through?!" asked the first man.

The other man shook his head. "I'm going to go ask them if we can play through," said the first man, emphatically, "Enough is enough!"

He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.

"Oh God," he said to his friend, "This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress!"

The other man shrugged, and said "No sweat."

He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said - "Small world isn't it!"

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Monsters Under His Bed

Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.

A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"

"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?"

"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"

"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.

"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."

"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?"

"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."

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Smart Wife

Letter from husband ( who is abroad) to wife

Dear Sweetheart:

I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart

Your husband
Allen
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His wife replied back after some days to her husband:

Dearest sweetheart,

Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses Instead of the rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him Some other items....... ....
5. Other expenses 40 kisses

Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance.

Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise!!!
Your Sweet Heart

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Three men

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a blonde. He bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning herself. He said he didn't see any difference on the first two days, but after it sunk in on the third day, he came home to a clean house and the dishes were washed and put away.

The second man had married a brunette. He bragged that he had ordered his wife to do all the cleaning, all the dishes, and all the cooking. He said he didn't see any results on the first day, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a redhead. He shared that he had told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, the dishes washed, the lawn mowed, the laundry done, and hot meals on the table every day. He said the first day he didn't see anything, and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye...just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and find the mower in the garage.

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Happy New Year 2010

Wish you All a Very
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now stop staring and get back to work !!!!!

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Senior Dating

Candice and Hazel , two "senior" widows, are talking.

Candice, "That nice Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Hazel, "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car, a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

"Then he takes me out for dinner, a marvelous dinner lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Candice, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Candice, "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Hazel , "No, no, no I'm just saying, wear an old dress!"

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Reply to a Matrimonial Ad

Reply to a Matrimonial Ad in a Punjabi Newspaper!!

Dear Madam:
I am an older young uncle living only with myself in Amritsar. Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely.

I am a soiled son from inside Punjab. I am nice and big, six foot tall and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like cricket and I am a good batter and I am a fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running. Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce alot.

I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am jolly. I am gay. Especially ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. I am always giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top. That is how nice I am. I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking (only a Kingfisher in the evenings) but I am not sucking tobacco or anything else. Every morning I am going to the Jim and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in the Jim.

I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you. I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only. What to do? So I am taking things into my own hands everyday. That is why I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and take my things into your hand. If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you very hard every day. In fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the Jim. If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press you and press you until you come. So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet and looking up with lots of hope.

I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.

Expecting soon,
Yours and only yours,
Honey Bath,
born by mother in Bhindra di galli and become big, and moneyed in Amritsar, Punjab

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Do you think it's the light?

In the flatlands of Milpitas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern, instructing, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there, Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down. I think there's yet another wee one to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man. It seems there's yet another one besides!" exclaimed the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

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Two Black Balls

One day at school a teacher said, "Class I'm going to give you a question every Friday. If you answer it correctly, then you do not have to come to school on the following Monday."

The first Friday arrived and the teacher asked, "How many stars are in the sky?"

No one was able to answer.

The next Friday the teacher asked, "How many fish are in the sea?"

Again, no one was able to answer.

Then one student had an idea. He got two big bouncy balls and painted them black. On Friday, before she asked the question, he threw the balls in one of the aisles. The teacher asked, "Who's the guy with the big black balls?"

The kid yelled, "Bill Cosby! See ya next Tuesday!"

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A Young Priest

There was a young priest who was having trouble both writing and delivering his sermons. So he asked his Bishop for help. The wise old Bishop said, "Well you might start with something to attract and hold their attention, such as, 'Last night I was in the warm embrace of a good woman,' that will get their attention then you go on to talk about how warm and accepting she was and at the end reveal she was your mother; that is great for sermons about family love."

The young priest decided to take the advice. The following Sunday he got into the pulpit and said, "Last night I was in the arms a hot woman," he paused. The congregation was totally transfixed; no lack of attention now. But he had forgotten what come next, so he stumbled on about how great she was and how good she made him feel. Then he thought of a way to get out of his problem. He said in conclusion, "Well I may not remember who she was, but she was recommended by the Bishop!"

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Business Trick

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own
opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.'

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and
announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.'

The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign
of all over his own shop. It read: 'MAIN ENTRANCE'

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Magic Mirror

A Blonde, a Redhead and a Brunette go into a bar. The bartender tells them there is a magic mirror in the ladies room, if you say one true thing you will receive the desire of your heart, but if you tell a lie you will be sucked into the mirror forever.

The Redhead walks in and says, 'I think I am the most intelligent woman here' and *poof* a million dollars falls in her hands.

The Brunette walks in and says, 'I think I am the most beautiful woman here' and *poof* the keys to a Mustang fall into her hands.

Next the Blonde walks in and says, 'I think...' and *poof* she disappears into the mirror forever.

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Funny Dumb Blonde Quickie Jokes

Q. Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A. It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.

Q. What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg?
A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.

Q. What do you call a blond with a brain?
A. A golden retriever.

Q. Why does a blonde throw water on her keyboard?
A. To surf the internet

Q. What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
A. Invisible.

Q. Why are there no brunette jokes?
A. Because blondes would have to think them up.

Q. How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A. Present her with a mirror and tell her to wait for the other person to say "Hello"

Q. How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?
A. Write "Please turn over" on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A. Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. You can't, they have always been like that.

Q. A blonde is going to London on a plane. How can you steal her window seat?
A. Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q. What do twenty blondes standing ear to ear make?
A. A wind tunnel.

Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner.

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Sardar in Paris

A Sardar furniture dealer decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capital), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a new range of furniture that he thought would sell well back home in India .

To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a pub and havea glass of wine. As he sat down enjoying his wine, soon enough, a very beautiful attractive young lady came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair.

He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in Hindi, Punjabi & English, but she did not speak or know any of these languages. So, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.

They left the pub and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.

She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Then, after they were back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a bed. . . . ........ ............ ........ Would you believe..... .. . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Till this day, the Sardar has no idea how she figured out that he was in the furniture business!!!!

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Capitalism

A little boy came up to his father and asked: daddy, what is political corruption?!

His father looked strangely on him and said: well son, you wouldn’t understand now, but I will make it close to you: I pay money on this house, so call me the capitalism…
Your mom is organizing this house matters, so lets call her the government…
And you are at her disposal, so lets call you…the people…
And your little brother is our hope…so we shall call him…the future….
However, for our maid who lives with us and we support her, so we shall call her…the hard working labor…

Go off son and think about that, may be you shall understand now…

So late at night, the little boy kept thinking about this and couldn’t sleep, he got up at night hearing his little baby brother crying….

He checked him and found him soaked in dirt as his diaper was full of shit….

He went to call his mommy, but found her in deep sleep…..!

So boy goes to check his dad, he went up to maid’s room and looked thru door hole, he finds his dad sleeping with maid…..

So next day, the little boy goes straight to his dad and says: well daddy I know now what political corruption is….
Well sonny…what is it? Replied his father strangely….

When capitalism screws around with the hard working labor, and government is sleeping off, the people is left unattended and the future is deep in shit…….:))

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The Indian Engineer

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars.

Only one person could go, and he will not return to Earth.

The first applicant, an American engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going.

“A million dollars”, he answered, “because I wish to donate it to M.I.T.”

The next applicant, a Russian doctor, was asked the same question.

He asked for two million dollars.

“I wish to give a million to my family”, he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”

The last applicant was an Indian Engineer.

When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewers ear, “Three million dollars.”

“Why so much more than the others?” the interviewer asked.

He Replied, “$1 million is for you, I will keep $1million, and well give the American engineer $1million and send him to Mars”.

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Loving and caring wife

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.

Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress.

Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

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Miniskirt Blues

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket.

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step. So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!! " At this the Texan drawled " Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that maybe we were friends."

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Pest Problem

A: I'm in a big trouble!
B: Why is that?

A: I saw a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.

A: I don't have one.
B: Well then, buy one.

A: Can't afford one.
B: I can give you mine if you want.

A: That sounds good.
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.

A: I don't have any cheese.
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.

A: I don't have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.

A: I don't have bread.
B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house??????

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Why professionals are Dirty?

The Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes."

The Dentist because he says, "Open wide."

The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"

The Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"

The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."

The Banker because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."

The Police Officer because he says, "Spread 'em."

The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.

The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

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Can you guess my age ?

Julie decides to have a face-lift for her birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On her way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, she says to the sales clerk:
"I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 31," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," Julie says, feeling really happy.

After that, she goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 35".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while sitting in a restaurant, she asks a man sitting near her-
"How old do you think I am ?"

He replies, "My eyesight fails me however, when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand down your bra and play with your boobs for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, Julie thinks: What the hell and lets him slip his hand down her bra.

Ten minutes later, the man says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the Julie says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The Man replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

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Blonde Mother

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast is hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, “Ma’am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?”

She says, “Why, Officer?”

“Because your breast is hanging out.”

She looks down and says, “OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus !”

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HUSBANDS FOR SALE ! !

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch .. . .. you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

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Blonde in a Snowstorm

A blonde gets lost in her car in a snowstorm. She remembers her father's advice, "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snow plow and follow it." Soon a snow plow comes by, and she follows it for about 45 minutes.

Finally, the driver of the truck gets out and asks her what she is doing. She explains the advice her father had given her. The driver says, "Well, I'm done with the parking lot here at the mall, now you can follow me over to the bank.

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Women's T-Shirt Sayings

• Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
• Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?
• I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
• Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
• I hate everybody, and you're next.
• Please don't make me kill you.
• And your point is...?
• I used to be schizophrenic, but we're ok now.
• I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
• Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
• Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.
• You KNOW you want me.
• Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time...
• Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
• Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
• I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
• You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs. Any questions?
• Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
• You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
• All stressed out and no one to choke.
• I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
• How can I miss you if you won't go away?
• Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
• If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
• I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.

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SO YOU THINK ENGLISH IS EASY!

Whoever put this together is some kind of genius......it would have taken him or her a month of Sundays. Happy reading and enjoy.

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce .

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

17) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

18) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

19) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

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Hillarious URLs:

In today's world the Key is a good domain Name....

1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… for it… is: www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com.

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company… www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com

Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com

Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com

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Beer Drinking Babies

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Trophy Girlfriend !

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful looks and charm.

She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age", Bob replies.

"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

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Blondes

A farmer took the camper off his truck before going to town.

As he was going down the road five Blondes were standing beside the road hitchhiking.

The farmer picked them up, one blonde got in the front and the other four blondes got in the back.

As they were going over the hill the brakes went out on the truck.

The farmer couldn’t stop the truck and they went into the pond at the bottom.

The farmer and the blonde that were up front come up out of the water a minute later.

They kept waiting for others in the back to come up.

The farmer said, “I wonder where they are?”

The blonde said, “May be they drowned.”

About five minutes later they come up gasping for breath. The farmer asked, “What the Hell took you so long?”

The four blondes said, “We had a devil of a time getting that fucking tailgate open!"

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Equal Privileges

A country club didn't allow women on the golf course. Eventually, there was enough pressure that they decided to allow women on the course during the week.

The ladies were satisfied with this arrangement, formed a women's club and became very active.

After about 6 months, the club board received a letter from the women's club complaining about the men, urinating on the golf course. Naturally, they just ignored the matter.

After another 6 months, they received another letter reminding them of the previous letter and demanding action.

After due deliberation they sent the women a letter advising them that they had been granted equal privileges!

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Goodnight, Goodbye!

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: 'God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.'

The father asked, 'Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, 'I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.' The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a Strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: 'God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and Goodbye Grandma.' The next day the grandmother died.

'Holy carp" thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: 'God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.' He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every Sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said 'I've never seen you work So late, what's the matter?'

He said 'I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life.'

She replied, 'You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me.. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!

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Women VS Beer

Most men like women. But, most men like beer too ! So, for men it becomes a rather confusing choice between women and beer ! Following is a debate, developed by the University of Mumbai , in India ... to help you analyze which is better ! Here is the debate .......

A Beer is always wet, a woman is not !
1 point for beer !

Beer is horrible, when it is hot !
1 point for women !

A cold beer, satisfies you !
1 point for beer !

If you come back home smelling beer, your wife can get angry at you.
If you come back home smelling women, your wife will get angry for sure and she might even not talk to you again !
Draw ! ( Depends on your point of view ... )

10 beers in a night and then you can't drive. 10 women in one night and you don't have to drive anywhere !
1 point for women !

The older, The beer is - the better, it is !
1 point for beer !

Many beers can make you see UFO's. Many women can make you see God !
1 point for women !

If you ask yourself how the next woman will be, you are normal. If you ask yourself how the next beer will be, you are an alcoholic !
1 point for women !

For a beer, you pay taxes !
1 point for women !

If you take a second beer, the first one doesn't get angry !
1 point for beer !

You can always be sure that, you are the first one " Opening " a beer !
1 point for beer !

If you shake a beer, after a while it calms down by itself !
1 point for beer !

You know exactly how much a beer costs !
1 point for beer !

A beer does not have a mother !
1 point for beer !

You can do it if you want, but beer won't ask you to hug her for half an hour after !
1 point for beer !



So the Score is ........... Beer beats women - 9 to 6 !



If you are a woman reading this and getting angry ......... know that a beer would never get angry ! So .......... Another point for beer !
Now the final score is .......... Beer beats women - 10 to 6 !

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The Awesome Power of a Wifes Love

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.

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