SO YOU THINK ENGLISH IS EASY!

Whoever put this together is some kind of genius......it would have taken him or her a month of Sundays. Happy reading and enjoy.

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce .

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

17) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

18) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

19) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

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Hillarious URLs:

In today's world the Key is a good domain Name....

1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… for it… is: www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com.

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company… www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com

Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com

Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com

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Beer Drinking Babies

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Trophy Girlfriend !

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful looks and charm.

She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age", Bob replies.

"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

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Blondes

A farmer took the camper off his truck before going to town.

As he was going down the road five Blondes were standing beside the road hitchhiking.

The farmer picked them up, one blonde got in the front and the other four blondes got in the back.

As they were going over the hill the brakes went out on the truck.

The farmer couldn’t stop the truck and they went into the pond at the bottom.

The farmer and the blonde that were up front come up out of the water a minute later.

They kept waiting for others in the back to come up.

The farmer said, “I wonder where they are?”

The blonde said, “May be they drowned.”

About five minutes later they come up gasping for breath. The farmer asked, “What the Hell took you so long?”

The four blondes said, “We had a devil of a time getting that fucking tailgate open!"

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Equal Privileges

A country club didn't allow women on the golf course. Eventually, there was enough pressure that they decided to allow women on the course during the week.

The ladies were satisfied with this arrangement, formed a women's club and became very active.

After about 6 months, the club board received a letter from the women's club complaining about the men, urinating on the golf course. Naturally, they just ignored the matter.

After another 6 months, they received another letter reminding them of the previous letter and demanding action.

After due deliberation they sent the women a letter advising them that they had been granted equal privileges!

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Goodnight, Goodbye!

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: 'God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.'

The father asked, 'Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, 'I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.' The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a Strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: 'God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and Goodbye Grandma.' The next day the grandmother died.

'Holy carp" thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: 'God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.' He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every Sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said 'I've never seen you work So late, what's the matter?'

He said 'I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life.'

She replied, 'You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me.. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!

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Women VS Beer

Most men like women. But, most men like beer too ! So, for men it becomes a rather confusing choice between women and beer ! Following is a debate, developed by the University of Mumbai , in India ... to help you analyze which is better ! Here is the debate .......

A Beer is always wet, a woman is not !
1 point for beer !

Beer is horrible, when it is hot !
1 point for women !

A cold beer, satisfies you !
1 point for beer !

If you come back home smelling beer, your wife can get angry at you.
If you come back home smelling women, your wife will get angry for sure and she might even not talk to you again !
Draw ! ( Depends on your point of view ... )

10 beers in a night and then you can't drive. 10 women in one night and you don't have to drive anywhere !
1 point for women !

The older, The beer is - the better, it is !
1 point for beer !

Many beers can make you see UFO's. Many women can make you see God !
1 point for women !

If you ask yourself how the next woman will be, you are normal. If you ask yourself how the next beer will be, you are an alcoholic !
1 point for women !

For a beer, you pay taxes !
1 point for women !

If you take a second beer, the first one doesn't get angry !
1 point for beer !

You can always be sure that, you are the first one " Opening " a beer !
1 point for beer !

If you shake a beer, after a while it calms down by itself !
1 point for beer !

You know exactly how much a beer costs !
1 point for beer !

A beer does not have a mother !
1 point for beer !

You can do it if you want, but beer won't ask you to hug her for half an hour after !
1 point for beer !



So the Score is ........... Beer beats women - 9 to 6 !



If you are a woman reading this and getting angry ......... know that a beer would never get angry ! So .......... Another point for beer !
Now the final score is .......... Beer beats women - 10 to 6 !

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The Awesome Power of a Wifes Love

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.

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Women on Phone

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit, She instructed her son to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site.

After junior hadcalled, he got back to mummy to inform her that there was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.

Women!!

She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a tight slap, and she slapped him again, for good measure.

People from the neighborhood rushed around to find out what the cause of the commotion was. The woman asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called.

Junior said
"The subscriber you have dialed is not available at Present.
"Please Try Again Later"...

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If Men Arranged Weddings...

1) There would be a "Rehearsal Dinner Kegger" until the cops showed up.

2) Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops.

3) They would have NO tan lines and more skin showing than not..

4) Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors.

5) June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs.

6) Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that "forsaking all others" part.

7) The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped-up ‘73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!

8) Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) would get punched
in the head.

9) Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man."

10) There would be "Tailgate Receptions."

11) Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or between innings.

12) Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long.

13) Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. The cost of strippers and liquor really does add up.

14) Men wouldn’t ask, "Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy or the wine colored napkins?" They’d just grab extras from their local pub or tavern.

15) Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.

16) The bride’s dress would show cleavage, her navel, and be form-fitted to her ass.

17) Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza, and plenty of bar-b-que.

18) No one would bother with that veil routine. But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go.

19) The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral/wedding (what’s the difference) or something.

20) Invitations would read as follow: Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the old ball and chain.
He’s getting married. He either:
A) Knocked her up,
B) Couldn’t get a different roommate, or
C) Caved in to her ultimatum. Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him For the
rest of this life at Soldier Field Stadium On the 50-Yard Line at Half-time during Sunday’s
Game Please join us at the Moonlight Lounge after the game For Beer, Nachos and Pizza. Oh yeah... B.Y.O.B.

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10 Downfalls Of Manhood Of

1. You have to take out the garbage.

2. The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.

3. No sofas in your rest rooms.

4. External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.

5. Even if you get your head caught in an industrial woodchipper, you're not allowed to cry.

6. James Bond movies only come out every two years.

7. Ribbed for her pleasure, not yours.

8. You have to wear ties.

9. You can't flirt your way out of a jam.

10. "Women and children first"

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Top 10 Things Only Women Understand

10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.

9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.

8. Crying can be fun.

7. FAT CLOTHES.

6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.

5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.

4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.

2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:

1. OTHER WOMEN!

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Some Very Bright Women

1. I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb... and I also know that I’m not blonde. -Dolly Parton

2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. -Erica Jong

3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. -Rita Rudner

4. My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. -Rita Rudner

5. I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. -Wendy Liebman

6. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. -Erma Bombeck

7. If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing ‘em. -Sue Grafton

8. I’m not going to vacuum ‘til Sears makes one you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr

9. I think, therefore I’m single. -Lizz Winstead

10. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. -Elayne Boosler

11. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -Maryon Pearson

12. I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn’t itch. -Gilda Radner

13. In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. -Margaret Thatcher

14. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. -Gloria Steinhem

15. Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. -Glori Steinhem

16. I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. -Marie Corelli

17. Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths. -Baroness Edith Summerskill

18. If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? -Linda Ellerbee

19. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor

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When not even God.....

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"


(You'll love this)




























God replied: "I didn't recognize you."

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God Vs Man

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven." Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself."

The be-feathered fellow at the gates takes him to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Ah, yes." "Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your invention: One, there's too much front-end protrusion Two, it chatters at high speeds. Three, the rear end wobbles too much. Four, the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on." God goes to his Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God tells Arthur Davidson,

"but according to My Computer, more people are riding my invention than yours."

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Michelle Heaton falls

She was compared to the car she was about to unveil - 'slick, stylish and attractive'

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Man Dealing With Wife

Man and wife traveling.
Wife is nagging husband…A man marries the meanest woman in town.
Everyone tells the man: man you’re crazy, that woman is the meanest woman in town.
Every man she marries she drives him crazy.
So the man says I have something for that.
So they get on with their trip. The man and the woman are on one mule riding to their house.
On the way down the road the donkey slips up and stumbles and the man says "that's one time."
They get a little further down the road the donkey slips up again, the man says "that's two times."
They get a little further down the road and the donkey stumbles again, the man says "that's three times."
Then the man and wife got off the donkey and the man shoots it. The wife gets mad and says "man are you crazy that was our only transportation you son of a bitch!!
The man says, "that's one time."

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Little Johnny Failed Math

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said '6'."

"But that's right!"

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'"

"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said."

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Freaky Chakra

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Mike is dead

"Did your hear the news? Mike is dead!"

"Whoa, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived at my driveway, he was going too fast, couldn't brake properly and boom - he hits the curb and the car flips. The car knocks down half of my front fence and Mike gets thrown through the sunroof. He went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that. That didn't kill him at all. So, he lands in my upstairs bedroom, lying on the floor all covered in broken glass. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when
bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking one arm, three ribs and both his legs."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and drags himself out onto the landing. He tries to pull himself up on the bannister but under his weight, the bannister breaks and he goes falling all the way down to the first floor taking the entire
bannister with him. In mid air, all the broken bannister poles fall on him and 2 or 3 of them skewer him right through the abdomen just like a rotisserie chicken when he landed at the bottom."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him. He survived even that. So he's on the downstairs floor just outside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove by but reaching for a big pot of boiling hot water, and whoosh, the whole thing comes down on him and burns most of his skin off along with the flooring."

"Man, what a terrible way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that ! He's lying on the floor, scalded by boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing out of the wall. Water and electricity don't mix and so he got
electrocuted, wallop, with 220 volts going right through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he .."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my damn house"

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An Interesting Management Lesson

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me screw you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. "

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She responded, "The bastard used coins!"

Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

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The Pope

A businessman is getting on a flight when he hears from another passenger that the Pope is going to be on the flight.

"WOW, great!" he thinks, being a devout Christian, "What a good place to be today."

Just before the aircraft doors are closed the Pope enters the plane and sits next to him.

I am surely blessed the man thinks. Here I am, a good Catholic on a flight with the Pope sitting next to me.

The plane takes off and after a few minutes the passengers take off their seat belts.

The man looks sideways and sees the Pope reaching into his bag to take out a crossword book. Marvelous, he thinks, not only am I blessed with the Pope next to me but he does crosswords and so do I. He notices that the Pope is working his way through the puzzle, and that the Pope is tapping his pencil, thinking.
The Pope turns to him and says, "I usually don't talk to anyone on flights, but I wonder if you can help me?"

"Anything your Eminence.. What is it?"

"Do you know a four letter word that ends in 'u-n-t' that means something associated with women?"

The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally he says, "The only word I can think of is aunt."

The Pope looks at him and asks, "Do you have an eraser?"

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The Game between a barber and a boy

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,

"This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks,

"Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber.

"That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

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Married Couple At The Bar

A pissed-off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

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Affair With The Secretary

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love.

When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock. They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked thinking him pretty weird.

The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."

The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. You damn liar! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"

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A Really Nasty Divorce

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "Really? What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"

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Marriage Quips

• I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. --David Bissonette

• I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again. --Noel Coward, 1956

• When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. --Sacha Guitry

• Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. --Jackie Mason

• Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. --Montaigne

• After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. --Hemant Joshi

• Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

• Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

• Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

• Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

• Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

• If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

• What Exactly Is Marriage??

• "Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents." --Eric, Age 6

• "When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.'" Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." --Anita, Age 9

• How Does A Person Decide Whom To Marry??

• "You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." --Kally, Age 9

• "My mother says to look for a man who is kind.... That's what I'll do.... I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." --Carolyn, Age 8

• Concerning The Proper Age To Get Married.

• "Eighty-four. Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." --Carolyn, Age 8

• "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." --Bert, Age 5

• How Did Your Mom And Dad Meet??

• "They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down. It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values." --Lottie, Age 9

• "My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind." --Jeremy, Age 8

• What Do Most People Do On A Date??

• "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." --Martin, Age 10

• "Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." --Craig, Age 9

• When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone??

• "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." --Allan, Age 10

• "Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." --Kally, Age 9

• The Great Debate: Is It Better To Be Single Or Married??

• "You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan." --Kirsten, Age 10

• "It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them." --Anita, Age 9

• "It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." --Will, Age 7

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The Best Pilot

It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during World War II.
He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola Naval Air Station, skipping recruit training.
The very first day at Pensacola, he soloed and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his first day aboard, he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese fighter planes.
Then climbing up to 20,000 feet, he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down as well.
Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the nearby carrier, and came in for a perfect landing on the deck.
He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain.
Saluting smartly, he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"
The captain turned around, bowed politely, and replied, "You make onry one velly, velly selious mistake."

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Memorial

One Sunday morning, the priest noticed Little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Little Johnny."

"Good morning, Father," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Father Scott, what is this?" Little Johnny asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

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Gujarati Funeral

A family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother (Baa) arrived from the US. It was sent by one of the daughters.

The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it when they opened the lid; they found a letter on top addressed to her brothers and sisters:

Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Smitaben and Varsha,

I am sending Baa's body to you, since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in GUJARAT.

Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed.

You will find inside the coffin, under Baa's body, cans of cheese, 10 packets of Tobleron chocolates and 8 packets of Badam (Almond) please divide these among all of you.

On Baa's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan.
There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha's and Lakshmi's sons. Hope the sizes are correct.

Baa is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Mohan.

Just distribute the rest among yourselves.

The 2 new Jeans that Baa is wearing are for the boys.

The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Baa's left wrist.
Shanta masi, Baa is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them off her.

The 6 white cotton socks that Baa is wearing must be divided among my nephews.

Please distribute all these fairly.

Love Smita.

PS : If anything more required let me know soon as Bapuji is also not feeling too well now a days

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Hillary's Fortune Teller

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local reputation: In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. As the mystic took her reading, she had a struck look on her face, looked up and said, "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's wrinkled face, then at the single flickering candle on the table. Looking aside for a moment, Hillary then looked back down to her wringing hands in her lap. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and consider her question; she just had to know.

Hillary met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question: "Will I be acquitted?"

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On Top Of Strawberry Hill

There were three guys who were late to class.
The first guy came in and said, "Sorry I’m late teacher I was on top of Strawberry Hill".
The second guy came in and said, "Sorry teacher I was late and it won’t happen again".
Then the third guy came in and said the same.
Then a girl came in and the teacher said, "Let me guess, you were on top of Strawberry Hill too huh?"
The girl said, "No, I am Strawberry Hill".

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Questions you never bothered thinking of

• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
• Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
• Is there another word for synonym?
• Isn't is it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
• When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
• When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
• Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
• Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
• Why do they report power outages on TV?
• What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
• Is it possible to be totally partial?
• What's another word for thesaurus?
• If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
• Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
• Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
• If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
• If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
• If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
• When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
• Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
• If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
• Why is the word abbreviation so long?
• When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
• If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

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Accused of Murder

A woman was on the witness stand, accused of poisoning her husband.

"After you put poison in the coffee, you sat at the breakfast table and watched your husband drink it. Tell me, didn't you feel the slightest bit of pity for him?" the defense attorney prompted.

"Yes," she replied, "I think there was one moment when I felt sorry for him."

"And when was that?"

"When he asked for his second cup."

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Jealous Husband...

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife.

The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video.

They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man!

He saw the two of them laughing in the park.

He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe.

He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub.

He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"

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Little Jhonny tells a story

Little Johnny sees his father's car passing the playground and gointo the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees his father and his aunt Jane "hugging" in the parked vehicle.

Johnny finds this very exciting and can barely contain himself so he runs home and starts to tell his mother,

"I was at the playground and I saw daddy's car go into the woods with aunt Jane. I went to look for them and I saw daddy giving aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then aunt Jane helped daddy take his pants off, then aunt Jane lay down on the seat, then daddy..."

At this point, Johnny's mother cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story. Suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Johnny's mother asks him to tell his story, so Johnny starts to talk, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and...

"...then daddy and aunt Jane did that same thing mommy and uncle Richard used to do when daddy was in the army."

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Little Johnny at Bible Study

A pastor was giving a lesson to a group of children on the Twenty-third Psalm. He noticed that one of the little boys seemed disquieted by the phrase, “Surely, goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life”

What’s wrong with that Johnny?” the pastor asked. “Well”, answered Johnny, “I understand about having goodness and mercy. But I’m not sure I’d like Shirley following me around all the time”.

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Mom and Dad, A mystery for a young chap!!!!

A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married. His father was happy for him.

He asked his son who the girl was, and he told him that it was Samantha a girl from the neighborhood.

With a sad face the old man said to his son, 'I'm sorry to say this son but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother.'

The young man again brought 3 more names to his father but ended up frustrated cause the response was still the same.

So he decides to go to his mother. 'Mama I want to get married but all the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you.'

His mother smiling said to him, 'Don't worry my son, you can marry any of those girls. You're not his son !!'

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Sleeping with BOB

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all blood shot.
They said, Man, what happened to you?
He said, Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.

The next night it was a different guy's turn.
In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes were blood shot.
They said, Man, what happened to you? You look awful!
He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring.
I watched him all night.

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said.

They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said,
Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night...

Bob sat up and watched me all night."

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10 Commandments of a Teenager!!!

1. Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping. (why wait?)
2. Thou shall not do drugs (alcohol last longer)
3. Thou shall not steal from k-mart. (Wal-Mart has a bigger selection)
4. Thou shall not get arrested for vandalism. (destruction has a bigger effect)
5. Thou shall not steal from thy parents. (every-1 knows grandma has more money)
6. Thou shall not get in fights. (just start them)
7. Thou shall not skip class. (just take the whole day off)
8. Thou shall not strip in class. (hooters pays more)
9. Thou shall not think about having sex. (as nike says just do it)
10. Thou shall not help old ladies cross the street. (just leave them in the middle)

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They have explaining to do

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real Penis.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . You explain the 3 kids."

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It's time to go home

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!”
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.


The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
.
.
.
.
The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

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Inside the Mental hospital.

Ron and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ron suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ron out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ron, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.
I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied:
'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'

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How to interpret Women's personal Ads

WOMAN'S PERSONAL ADS

Adventurous.....................Slept with all your friends
Athletic............................No boobs
Friendship first...................Former slut
Gentle..............................Dull
Open-minded.....................Desperate
Outgoing...........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate........................Sloppy drunk
Poet.................................Depressive
Professional.......................Bitch
Romantic...........................Frigid
Voluptuous........................Very Fat
Large frame.......................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate................Stalker
Widow..............................Murderer
Average looking.................Ugly
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure..............On medication
Feminist............................Fat
Free spirit..........................Junkie

40-ish
means she is ................49

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Do you hear what you want to hear?

Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

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Careful Blonde

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.

One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

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A letter from sardar(singh) mom to her son

My dear Jagjit,

I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there.

I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20miles.

I won't be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address.

Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address plate here, and that our address will remain same too.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the toilet I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.

Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.

Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your uncle, Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love - Mom.

P.S. Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized, I had already sealed off this letter.

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Stoned

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'
The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!'
So the koala looked down at him and exclaimed,'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude... How much water did you drink!??'

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An Elderly Gentleman

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

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The Restaurant

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

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Abusing Parrot

A woman walks into a pet shop hoping to find the right pet. She wonders around for a while and she stumbles on to this big ass parrot in this huge cage.

She checks it out for a minute and notices that the parrot has two strings hanging down. On the right foot is a red string and on the left foot is a yellow string. She calls the pet shop manager over and asks him what the strings mean.

He say's, "Well madam, if you pull the red string he will sing a hymn and if you pull the yellow string he will say a prayer."

So the woman thinks out loud, "What would happen if I pulled both strings at the same time?"

The parrots eyes got real big and he looked at her and screamed out, "I'd fall on my ass you silly bitch!"

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The Bird Retriever

A duck hunter needed a new bird dog, so he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve the duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a true pessimist and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.

The friend saw everything but didn't say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything funny about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim!"

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Why it’s nice to be a dog…

• No one expects you to take a bath every day.

• Your friends never expect you to pay for lunch, dinner, or anything else for that matter.

• When it’s raining, you can lie around the house all day and never worry about being fired.

• If it itches, you can reach it.

• And, no matter what itches, no one is offended if you scratch it in public.

• You can wear a fur coat and no one thinks you’re insensitive.

• If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices.

• You never get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger’s lap

• Having big feet is considered an asset.

• If you gain weight, it’s someone else’s fault.

• No one tells you to wipe your nose because it’s wet.

• No matter where you live, you own the place.

• Your mate never complains because you whine.

• Puppy love can last.

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Out in the Country

When you’re from the country you look at things a little differently

A rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.

‘Is yer Dad home?’ the rancher asked.

‘No sir, he ain’t,’ the boy replied. ‘He went into town.’

‘Well,’ said the rancher, ‘is yer Mom here?’

‘No, sir, she ain’t here neither. She went into town with Dad.’

‘How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?’

‘He went with Mom and Dad.’

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

‘Is there any thing I can do fer ya?’ the boy asked politely. ‘I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.’

‘Well,’ said the rancher uncomfortably, ‘I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It’s about your Brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant.’

The boy considered for a moment. ‘You would have to talk to Pa about that’ he finally conceded.

‘If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but, I really don’t know how much he gets fer Howard.’

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Armed Robber

An armed and hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber’s face.

The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.

One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him in the head also. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

Did anyone else see my face?’ calls the robber.
There is a few moments silence then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says:

‘I think me wife may have caught a glimpse ….’

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Middle Name

Mr. Greenberg was an illiterate immigrant, but he worked hard, saved his pennies, and started a small business. It did well, and soon he had enough money to send for the wife and children. The work kept him very busy, so he never had time to learn to write, but the bank was happy to
do business with him, even though his signature consisted of two X’s.

He prospered, he opened more stores, the kids were transferred to private schools, the family moved into a fancy house (with one staircase going nowhere just for show)…you get the idea.

One day his banker, Mr. Smith, asked him to drop by. “So vat’s the problem?” Greenberg asked, a bit anxiously. Smith waved a bunch of checks at him. “Perhaps nothing,” he said, “but I wanted to be on the safe side. These recent checks of yours are all signed with 3 X’s, but your signature of record has just 2.”

Greenberg looked embarrassed. “I’m sorry about making trouble,” he said, “but my vife said that since I’m now such a high class rich guy, I should have a middle name!”

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Lady With Five Children

You heard about the lady with five children whose doctor prescribed her Valium for anxiety and stress, right? When she went back in two weeks she told the doctor that everything was wonderful!

She said that her house was quiet and clean, she had time to read and even enjoy her favorite television shows each day.

But she did need a refill on her script. “A refill, already?!”, said the doctor, “How many pills are you taking?”

“Taking!?” the patient replied, “I’ve been giving them to my children.”

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Found It!

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was no where to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.

“How did you manage to find it, Mom?” the teenager asked.

“We weren’t looking for the same thing,” she replied. “You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150.”

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At a Cafeteria

It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly lady sitting at
the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young
woman beside her. Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the girl and bellowed with a loud voice “Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!”

“So would I,” sighed the girl, “but you know, there just isn’t time
enough during a coffee break….”

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Cheap Cruise

A blonde enters a restaurant and goes straight to the bulletin board in the back. On the board, she sees a piece of paper that reads "Ocean Cruise - Only $10".

She pulls the piece of paper from the board and goes to the address listed on the back of it. She enters the building and hands the paper to the secretary who nods and asks the blonde if she has ten dollars. The blonde takes five dollars from her purse and gives it to the secretary.

The secretary then looks over to a burly guy reading a newspaper and nods to him. He stands up, walks over to the blonde and knocks her unconscious.

When she wakes up, she finds that she's tied to a log and is floating down the river. She starts to think that maybe this wasn't such a good idea. All of a sudden, she sees one of her blonde friends tied to a log floating right next to her.

"So, do you think they're going to serve us some food on this trip?" the blonde asks her friend.

"They didn't serve any last year!" her blonde friend replies.

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Down The Toilet

A young couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred.

Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet for the morning's relief, and neglected to notice that the seat was up. When she sat, she kept going!

She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her. She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried desperately to extricate her.

In this process they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs.

Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem.

When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way.

Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber and placed the first thing he could think of, his shoes, over his wife's exposed privates.

The plumber walked into the bathroom, took one long look, and commented, "Well, I think I can save your wife, buddy, but her lover's a goner."

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Faithful Wife !!!

A man was talking to his best friend about his married life.

"You know," he says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me, but there's always that doubt. There's always that little doubt."

"Yeah, I know what you mean," his friend replies.

"Well, buddy, I've got to leave on a business trip this weekend, and I wonder... well... would you watch my house while I'm gone? I trust her, it's just that there's always that doubt."

The friend agreed to help out and two weeks later gave his report.

"I've got some bad news for you," says the friend. "The evening after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. A man got out of the car and went in the house and had dinner with your wife. After dinner they went upstairs and I saw your wife kissing him. Then, he took off his shirt and she took off her top and bra. And then the light went out."

"Then what happened?" said the husband, his eyes opening wide.

"Well, I don't know," replied the friend, "it was too dark to see."

"Damn!" roared the husband. "You see what I mean? There's always that doubt!"

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Stubborn Girlfriend

A young guy was complaing to his Boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend.

She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her, the young man exclaimed.

Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife, replied the Boss. Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her.

Shaking his head the young guy replied, that doesn't work. Once I get her pants down I'm not mad anymore

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WHEN FILLING OUT A JOB APPLICATION

Job-search specialist Robert Half reports that the following bon mots recently appeared on

actual resumes:
=======================================================================================

"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."

"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs."

"Number of dependents: 40."

"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

"Responsibility makes me nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."

"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

"High voltage telephone answering."

"Extensive prof reading skills."

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."

"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."

"I'm a rabid typist."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation"

"Your requirements match the responsibilities of my present job precisely, so I will be glad to do do again."

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Doctor's Thoughts

A 60 yr old man goes to visit his doctor for a regular checkup.

Oldman: "DOC, you are not going to believe how good I have been feeling lately, I have a new wife and she is only 20 yrs old, and pregnant with my child!, life sure is taking a change for the better"

Doctor: " O really now?

Oldman: "Yea what do you think about that!?"

Doctor: "Let me tell you a quick story of a man I used to know, and you will then know my opinion."

Oldman: "ok"

Doctor: "I used to know a man like you, and one day he went out hunting. He got to his favorite hunting spot, and noticed that he had forgotten his gun. Right about that time a prime beaver walked into the clearing. The man knew he didn’t have his gun, but decided to try something else. The man pointed his finger and said "BANG", just as he said that, a shot rang out through the woods and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

Oldman: "Well honestly I think someone else pumped a couple of stray rounds into that beaver."

Doctor:" My point exactly"

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Dinner with Girlfriend

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist

"Hello, could you give me condom ..............

I'm going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!"

The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out

He returns and says, "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too.

She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too."

The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says "Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes and since She invited me for dinner I think she is expecting me to make a move!

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left,

The sister on his right and the mum facing him.

When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying,

"Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us".

A minute later the boy is still praying;

"Thank you Lord for your kindness."

Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down.

The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others.

She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious."

The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"

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The Girl Who Went to College

This mother spent her whole life savings to send her daughter to college. Well her daughter had been in college for a couple of months and this was her first visit with her mother. So the mother gets there to pick her up her daughter gets into the car, the daughter looks at her mom and says "Mom I have something to tell you!". The mother says "O.k. what is it?"The daughter replies "I AINT A VIRGIN ANYMORE!!" The mom sits there a minute and replies" I spent all this damn money sending you to college and you still saying AINT!!!!!"

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Breast Stroke

A blonde, brunette and redhead all decide to participate in the swimming of the English channel.

They all decided to do the same stroke as it would be fair and they should all finish at the same time. Not wanting to lose energy quickly, they chose breast stroke.

They all started and a few hours later, the brunette arrives on land, tired.

The next one to complete it, was the redhead, a couple of hours behind the brunette.

Lastly, 6 hours after the brunette had arrived, the blonde clambers on shore, absolutely exhausted.

When the TV crew arrived, they asked her why she took so long, she replied: "Not to be a sore loser or anything but I'm pretty sure I saw the other two using their arms."

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Husband

“I was in a very generous mood today,” a woman said to her friend.
“I gave a poor beggar $25.”
“That’s a lot of money to give away,” her friend said.
“What did your husband say?”
Woman: “He said thank you.”

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Fathers, beware of such sons..

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father." The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that. "

The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way.. "

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,

"Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

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Genie

A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it. Inside was a genie. The genie said," I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only." The man thought about his first wish and decided, "I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account. POOF! Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him. He asked for his final wish, " I wish I was irresistible to women." POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.

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Rude Guy

A guy is sitting in a bar with a depressed look on his face. Another guy comes up to lighten the mood and drinks his beer.

"Hey!" The depressed guy raises his voice. "Why did you do that!?!? I need that!"

The other guy replies "Sorry man, I didn't know you'd get so upset about it!"

"Look man, My wife just dumped me for a younger man and is taking my kids and half of our stuff, then my cat that I've had for 13 years dies out of no where,

then my house gets egged and I oversleep, my boss gets mad and fires me, here to find out it wasn't because I was late,

My wife's new boyfriend was hired for my job! And then after all of that some jackass comes in here and drinks my poison!"

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The Governor's Assistant

Joe, the Governor's most trusted assistant, died in his sleep one night. The Governor had depended on Joe for advice on every subject, from pending bills to wardrobe decisions. In addition, Joe had been his closest friend.

So, it was understandable that the Governor didn't take kindly to the droves of ambitious
office seekers who wanted Joe's job. "They don't even have the decency to wait until the man is buried," the Governor muttered.

At the funeral, one eager beaver made his way to the Governor's side. "Governor," the man
said, "is there a chance that I could take Joe's place?"

"Certainly," the governor replied. "But you'd better hurry. I think the undertaker is almost finished."

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Doggie Goes Out For A Job

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.

By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal OpportunityEmployer. The manager said "yes, but the sign *also*
says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"

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Picture

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her
nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry........... "Is this your husband?"he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.


"That's me before the surgery!"

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HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN and then HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
• Wine her,
• Dine her,
• Call her,
• Hug her,
• Hold her,
• Surprise her,
• Compliment her,
• Smile at her,
• Laugh with her,
• Cry with her,
• Cuddle with her,
• Shop with her,
• Give her jewelry,
• Buy her flowers,
• Hold her hand,
• Write love letters to her,
• Go the end of the earth and back again for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
• Show up naked,
• Bring beer.

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Fridays, I fish

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

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Courtroom Questions

Questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and responses given by insightful witnesses.
=============================================

Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"

12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male or female?"

16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."

19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."

22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive

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Sand Dune Backflipper

Can you do it?

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Temptation

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Natural Blonde

A young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over."

"What do you mean?" said the doctor.

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts."

The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"

"Why yes," she said.

"I thought so," said the doctor... "You have a sprained finger."

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Confession is good!

Being his turn to receive confessions, a priest hears the confession of a church congregant whose voice is very familiar.

"Bless me Father for I have sinned. I have had sex with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is this you Luca? Luca from our boys choir?"

"Yes Father, it's me."

"And who is this girl" asks the priest.

"I cannot tell you, Father, she swore me to secrecy."

"Luca, it's best you tell me now. I will find out sooner or later."

"Was it Tina Minetti", the priest asks.

"I cannot tell you", responds Luca.

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I will never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I am sorry Father, but I cannot tell you."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed Father."

"Then it was Rosa Di Ángelo?"

"Please Father, I cannot say."

The priest, exasperated and finally frustrated says, "Luca Pagano, you are indeed discreet and I respect that. But you have sinned and for that, you must show penitence. You must give up your position as Alter Boy for the next four months. Now leave and begin your penitence and learn from it."

Luca thanked the priest and immediately left the Confessional and joined his friend and fellow alter boy Franco who had been waiting for him.

Franco, concerned for his friend worriedly asked, "What did he do?"

Luca took a moment, looked at his friend and gleefully replies, "I got four months vacation and the names of five sluts!"

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Visiting a barber

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

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My wife is missing

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?"

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

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Tip the pizza delivery boy

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Larry asked: "What is the usual tip?"

"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great." "Is that so?" snorted Larry. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."

"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."

"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.

The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."

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At a grocery store

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now."

Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."

When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began.

The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."

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College Prayers

O Lord, hear my anxious plea

Calculus is killing me

I know not of 'dx' or 'dy'

And probably won't until the day I die.

Please, Lord, help me in this hour

As I take my case to the highest power.

I care not for fame or loot

Just help me find one square root.

And Lord, please let me see

One passing mark in organic chemistry.

Oh such a thing I constantly dread

I'd just as soon join the Marines instead.

Lord, please give me a sign

That you've been listening all the time.

Please lead me out of this constant coma

And give me a shot at my diploma.

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Legally Dead

The Journal of the Massachusetts Bar recorded this exchange between an anonymous attorney and a pathologist in a recent murder trial:
"Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

"No."

"Did you check for breathing?"

"No."

"So then, is it possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"

"No."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

Even then, this would-be Perry Mason refused to throw in the towel:

"Is it possible the patient could be alive, nevertheless?"

"It is possible that he could have been alive," said the pathologist, "and practicing the law somewhere."

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Good Answers

Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?

Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday

*********
Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?

Customer: What other colors do you have?

*********
Manager: Sorry, but I can't give u a job. I don't need much help.

Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!

*********

Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday?

Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.

*********

Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!

Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.


*********
Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!

Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?

*********

Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.

Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me!

*********

Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!

Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within three days, you can keep it.

*********

Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!

Son: That's why I say she's no good!

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