the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the
bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will
nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for
me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little
more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish
that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels
inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she
cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a
Woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
If a DRIVER makes a mistake, it's an accident.... ......... ........
If a DOCTOR makes a mistake, it's an operation... ......... ........
If an ENGINEER makes a mistake, it is a new venture..... ......... .
If a POLITICIAN makes a mistake, it is a new law......... .........
If a SCIENTIST makes a mistake, it is a new invention... ......... .
If a TAILOR makes a mistake, it is a new fashion..... ......... ....
If a TEACHER makes a mistake, it is a new theory...... ......... ...
If a STUDENT makes a mistake, it is a "MISTAKE" !!!!!!!!!!!! !
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
The great question... Which I have not been able to answer... Is, "What does a woman want?
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
We shall never know the identity of the man who in 1976 made the most
unsuccessful hijack attempt ever. On a flight across America, he rose
from his seat, drew gun and took the stewardess hostage.
"Take me to Detroit," he demanded.
"We're already going to Detroit," she replied.
"Oh ... good," he said, and sat down again.
THE WORST BANK ROBBERY
In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of
Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They
had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone,
sheepishly left the building.
A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of
robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them.
When they demanded 5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at
them, convinced that it was a practical joke. Then one of the men jumped
over the counter, but fell to the floor clutching his ankle. The other
two tried to make their getaway, but got trapped in the revolving doors
THE WORST ANIMAL RESCUE
During the firemen's strike of 1978, the British Army had taken over
emergency fire fighting and on 14 January they were called out by an
elderly lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had trapped up a
They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty. So
grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. Driving off
later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed
LAWYERS vs INSURANCE
This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade, and probably the
A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive
cigars, and then insured them against fire among other things. Within a
month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and
without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy,
the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that
the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued
In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company
that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated, nevertheless, that the
lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the
cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them
against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable
fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and
costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and
paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the
NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the
insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being
used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his
insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000
This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal
Lawyers Award Contest.
India and Japan agreed to do an annual rowing race. Each team should contain 8 men.
Both teams worked really hard to get in the best shape. The day the race started both teams were in similar condition. ....the Japanese won by 1 mile.
The mood in the Indian team was really close to the freeze point. The top management decided to win the race next year. So they established a team of analysts to observe the situation and recommend an appropriate solution.
After several detailed analysis the team found out that Japanese had 7 rowers and only one captain.
Of course the Indian team had 7 captains but only one rower.
Facing such critical scenario the management showed an unexpected wisdom: they hired the consulting company to restructure the Indian team.
After several months the consultants came up with the conclusion that there were too many captains and too few rowers in the Indian team. A solution was proposed based on this analysis: the structure of the Indian team has to be changed!
As of today there will be only 4 captains in the team led by 2 managers, one top-manager and one rower. Besides that, they suggested to improve the rower's working environment and to give him higher competencies.
Next year the Japanese won by 2 miles.
The Indian team immediatelly displaced the rower from the team based on his unsatisfactory performance.
But the bonus award was paid to the management for the strong motivation the the team showed during the preparation phase.
The consulting company prepared a new analysis, which showed that the strategy was good, the motivation was O.K. but the used tool has to be improved.
Currently the Indian team is designing a new boat.
If u TREAT him nicely, he says u are IN LOVE with him;
If u Don't, he says u are PROUD.
If u DRESS Nicely, he says u are trying to LURE him;
If u Don't, he says u are from VILLAGE.
If u ARGUE with him, he says u are STUBBORN ;
If u keep QUIET, he says u have no BRAINS .
If u are SMARTER than him, he'll lose FACE;
If he's Smarter than u, he is GREAT.
If u don't Love him, he tries to POSSESS u;
If u Love him! , he will try to LEAVE u.(very true huh?)
If u don't MAKE LOVE with him., he says u DON'T LOVE him;
If u DO!! He says u are CHEAP.
If u tell him your PROBLEM, he says u are TROUBLESOME;
If u DON'T, he says that u don't TRUST him.
If u SCOLD him, u are like a NANNY to him;
If he SCOLDS u, it is because he CARES for u.
If u BREAK your PROMISE, u Cannot be TRUSTED;
If he BREAKS his, he is FORCED to do so.
If u SMOKE, u are BAD girl;
If he SMOKES, he is GENTLEMAN.
If u do WELL in your exams, he says it's LUCK;
If he does WELL, it's BRAIN.
If u HURT him, u are CRUEL;
If he HURTS u, u are too SENSITIVE!!
What are you thinking about?
Do you love me?
Do I look fat?
Do you think she is prettier than me?
What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (I.e tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
How fat you are.
How much prettier she is than you.
How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:
I suppose so.
Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
That depends on what you mean by love.
Does it matter?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:
Compared to what?
I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
A little extra weight looks good on you.
I've seen fatter.
Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:
Yes, but you have a better personality
Not prettier, but definitely thinner
Not as pretty as you, when you were her age
Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question #5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, or course, is "Buy a Corvette.")
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
She....Would you get married again?
She....Why not - don't you like being married?
He.....Of course I do.
She....Then why wouldn't you remarry?
He.....Okay, I'd get married again.
She....You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)
He.....Yes, I would.
She....Would you sleep with her in our bed?
He.....Where else would we sleep?
She....Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
He.....That would seem like the proper thing to do.
She....And would you let her use my golf clubs?
He.....She can't use them; she's left-handed.
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
I was very happy.
My girlfriend had accepted my proposal of marriage.
My parents helped us in every possible way. My friends supported me. My dream fiancé was to be my wife.
Only one thing bothered me - her best friend.
She was intelligent and sexy and would often flirt with me. It would leave me ill at ease.
One day, my fiancé's friend called me and asked if I could go to her place to help with the wedding invitations list.
I decided to go and headed over to her place.
When I arrived, I found her alone. We started on the list but shortly after, she confided that now that I was about to marry her best friend, she realized she had feelings for me, that she could not hold them in any longer and wanted to make love to me, if only for this one and only time.
I did not know what to say!
I was completely surprised and speechless.
Looking at me, she said, "I'll be in the bedroom. If you desire it, I will be waiting and I will be yours".
I gazed at her splendor as she swayed up the stairs.
I raised myself from the chair. I stood motionless for a moment, then... turned and walked out the door.
I walked briskly to my car and found - my fiancé!
With tears in her eyes and a long embrace, she said, "I am so very happy and so very proud of you. You were tested and you showed me how much you really care. I could not have a better man as a husband".
Moral of the story:
Always keep your condoms in the car.
Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I
ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electric hair
dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm
afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could
carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes
perhaps? Don’t worry, it’s unused."
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn
you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead
of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have
anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I
have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked,
"And what do you have to declare from your waist to the
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed
to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go
ahead, Father - - Next!"
faithful to his wife. The man admitted to two affairs during his marriage. God
gave him a compact car to drive in heaven.
The second man admitted to only one affair and was given a mid-sized car.
The third man was asked the same question and said that he had been faithful to
his wife until the day he died. God praised him and gave him a big luxury car.
A week later the three guys met in a parking lot in heaven. The man driving the
luxury car began to cry.
"What's the matter?" the other two men asked.
He replied, "I just passed my wife, and she was riding a bike!"
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "what's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40, please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly, the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago, I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord.. It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez , You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.
Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."
Passenger to Sardar: Excuse me Sir, are you Chinese?
Sardar (a bit surprised): No
Passenger (after 15 min): Sir, you are Chinese, na?
Sardar (bewildered): No, I’m not Chinese my friend
Passenger (aft another 15 min): Sir, something tells me you are Chinese
Sardar (angrily): Didn’t I tell you I’m not Chinese?
Passenger (aft yet another 15 min): I’m sure you are Chinese, Sir!
Sardar (up on his feet responds angrily and emphatically): Yes, I am Chinese…..I am Chinese....I am Chinese
Passenger: Really? I can’t believe it. You don’t look one bit Chinese….!
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 4.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and
you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on
AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.
Day night, I thought he was acting
Weird. We had made
Plans to meet at a
Cafe to have some coffee. I was
Shopping with my friends
All day long, so I
Thought he was upset at the fact that I
Was a bit late,
But he made no
Comment.Conversatio n wasn't flowing so
I suggested that
We go somewhere
Quiet so we could talk, he agreed but
He kept quiet and
Him what was wrong - he said,
"Nothing."I asked him if
It was my fault
That he was upset. He said it had
Nothing to do with me
And not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved
Him, he simply
Smiled and kept
Driving. I can't explain his
Behavior; I don't know
Why he didn't say,
"I love u,too."When we got home I felt
As if I had lost
Him, as if he
Wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat
There and watched TV.;
He seemed distant and absent.Finally I
Decided to go to
Bed. About 10
Minutes later he came to bed. I decided
That I could not
Take it anymore,
So I decided to confront him with the
Situation but he
Had fallen asleep.I Started crying and cried
Until I too Fell asleep. I
Don't know what to
Do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts
Are with someone
Else. My life is a
Now read His diary
Today India lost the cricket match
Against England at Mumbai.
NOW that's called , Simplicity of Men Vs Complexity of Women
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl !!!" The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you." "And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!"
"Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!"
- If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
- Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.
- Don't cut your hair. Ever.
- Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present!
- If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
- Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
- Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are preparedto discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation,and monster trucks.
- Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like ever other cat.
- Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
- Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of thetides. Let it be.
- Shopping is not a sport.
- Anything you wear is fine. Really.
- You have enough clothes.
- You have too many shoes.
- Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
And life goes on ... :)
- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
- Mariah Carey
"I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
- Danny Ozark, Philadelphia Phillies manager
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
- Al Gore, former Vice President of the United States (and inventor of the internet)
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
- Dan Quayle
"We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
- Lee Iacocca
"We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." - Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor
"If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure."
- Bill Clinton, Former President of the United States
"Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas."
- Keppel Enderbery
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record."
- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman