Smile On !!!!!!!

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained
to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself..
The man replied,
'Well your Honour, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said,

'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,

' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,

'William's Big Stick Did the Trick' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,

'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... .... I just lost it.'!!!

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

Now keep that smile on your face

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Gynecologist Visit

A beautiful woman went to see a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the stunning woman and all his professionalism went out of the window.

He told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her,
'Do you know what I am doing?'

'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.'

'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts.
'Do you know what I am doing now?' he asked.

'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer.'

'Correct,' replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having
sexual intercourse with her. He asked,
'Do you know what I am doing now?'

'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting the Clap, which is why I came here in the first place.'

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TELL OR DON'T TELL

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said:
'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the
Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger.. but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is over?''

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The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director, How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized? "

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.. Do you want a bed near the window?'

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Pearly Gates

A ringer from a huge cattle station in outback Australia appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the ringer offered. "Once, on a trip to the backblocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales , I came across a gang of bikies, who were threatening a young shiela. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shit out of the lot of ya’s!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago..."

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Irish Castaway

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself,'It's certainly not a ship.' As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him,'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?'
'Ten years,' replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. 'Faith and begorrah,' said the castaway, 'that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!'
'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish Whiskey?' asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, 'Ten years.'
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. 'Tis nectar of the gods!' shouted the Irishman. ' 'Tis truly fantastic!!!'
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, 'And how long has it been since you played around?'
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, 'Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there, too?'

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Blind Golfers

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? "We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" the doctor chimed in. "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" the pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

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JOAQUIM'S FAULT

A man is digging a hole at the same time that his friend is covering up the same hole. And thus they spend the day, one digs and the other one covers up. Curious, a passerby who can no longer keep quiet watching the surrealist scene, approaches the two men and asks, "Gentlemen, what exactly does this mean?"

"Well, we're working," one of them answers.

"And are you positive there's nothing wrong with what you're doing?"

"Well, if there is something wrong here, it's Joaquim's fault. He didn't show up today."

"And who's Joaquim?" asks the passerby.

"He is the guy who sows the seed."

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The Man Rules

The Man Rules­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally ,the guys' side of the story.
(Imust admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear"the rules"
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problemonly if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus didNOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball
orgolf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

For men -
to give them a laugh.

For women -
to give them a bigger laugh.

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Fart

A Woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.

This
is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very
nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making
her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve
herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the
poof.

Before
she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked
over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said
in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.

The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her
face.

A
couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain
again.

This
time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and
longer
rrrrrip.

The
father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy!'

Once
again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman
had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about
it.

She
let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once
again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Skippy,
get away from her, before she shits on you!'

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Who Runs Faster

Two guys were walking through the jungle. All of a sudden, a tiger appeared from a distance, running toward them. One of the guys took out a pair of Nikes from his bag and started to put them on.

The other guy, with a surprised look on his face, exclaimed, "Do you think you will run faster than the tiger with those?"

His friend replied, "I don't have to outrun it, I just have to run faster than you."

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How to give a cat a pill..

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for glueing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

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Who Does What???

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
Should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first,
And then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.'

The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and
You should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
That the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
And showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........'HEBREWS'...

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Chilled Beer

Once a cunning man visited his cunning friend! After a couple of hours chat, he was expecting for something to eat but there was no offer. He was just waiting for the offer from his friend. And the friend was just trying to avoid and flush him out of the home without any food. But this never happened!!

Frustrated friend finally had to sardonically offer him atleast something:

Sarcastically::Oh shit, i forgot to offer you anything buddy, so sorry for that. Anyways would you like to have a tea or coffee??

His cunning response was like: " i dont mind having chilled beer until hot coffee is prepared"

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History of Telecommunications

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Italian scientists found traces of copper wire
dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone
network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Italian's, in the weeks that followed, a Chinese archaeologist dug to a
depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the China Daily read:
'Chinese archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded
their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a
hundred years earlier than the Italian's.-

-
-
-
-
One week later, the Punjab Times, a local newspaper in India , reported the following:
After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Amritsar , in the Indian state of Punjab ,
Dugdeep Singh, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing.
Dugdeep has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, India had already gone wireless.

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Priceless....

A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees
is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping. Love You!"

Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door". Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?

I should expect a big quarrel with her!" His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said,
"LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M MARRIED!"

Moral
Self-induced hangover - $ 400.00
Broken crockery - $ 800.00
Breakfast - $ 10.00
Saying the Right Thing While Drunk –"PRICELESS "
There are truly some things that both money and Mastercard can't buy!!!

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Why Planning is important ?

One Night 4 college students were playing till late night and could not
study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as
dirty with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that
they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tire
of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and
that they were in no condition to appear for the test.

So the Dean said they could have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked
him and said they would be ready by that time.
On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as
this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in
separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared
well in the last 3 days.
The Test consisted of 2 questions with a total of 100 Marks.

Q.1. Your Name......................... (2 MARKS)

Q.2. which tire burst? (98 MARKS)
a) Front Left
b) Front Right
c) Back Left
d) Back Right.....!!!

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How to Tell the Sex of a Fly?

A woman came home to find her husband stalking the kitchen with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies" he responded.

"Killed any yet?"

"Yep, 3 males and 2 females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"

"3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."

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Don't Mess with Old People

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going to bed when his wife told him he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. When George opened the back door, he saw there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked him if there anyone was in his house, and he said, "No." Then they told him all the patrols were busy, and that he should lock all his doors. The police would be along as soon as someone was availablle.

George hung up, counted to 30 and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry anymore because I shot them." And he hung up.

Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the police officers said to George, "I thought you said you'd shot them."

George said, "I thought you said there was no one available."

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Wife Vs Husband

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

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The Afterlife?

A couple made a deal that whomever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife, after death. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact, 'Judy .Judy!' 'Is that you, Steve?' 'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.' 'That's wonderful! What's it like?' 'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have Breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.''Oh, Steve you surely must be in Heaven!' 'Not exactly... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona ..'

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An interview for a Post Office Job

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He says, "Just caffeine."

"Have you ever been in the service?" the interviewer asks.
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward your employment here, and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes.... an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles clean off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "OK. In that case I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8am to 4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am. And don't worry, we'll still pay you from 8am."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don't you want me to be here before 10am?"

"This is a government job, " the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

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Immortality...a failed attempt

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. "Will I die?" she asks. God says, "No. You have 30 more years to live."

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she's in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great!

The day she's discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed.

Up in heaven, she sees God. "You said I had 30 more years to live." she complains.

"That’s true." says God.

"So what happened?"

God shrugs. "I didn't recognize you."

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Genie....

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself." "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop fun, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"Really? Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

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Employee Placement Method

Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement. Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
- If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.
- If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
- If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.
- If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
- If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.
- If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
- If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
- If they've left early, put them in Sales.
- And if they're all bullying each other, they're Management material.

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Sleeping at Work

Ten best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:

1. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
2. "This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white out. You probably got here just in time."
4. "I wasn't sleeping, I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
5. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
6. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"
7. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
8. "The coffee machine is broken."
9. "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot."
10. " ... in God's name, Amen."

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TOP TEN Ways to Know You Are Dating a Consultant

1. Refers to those "intimate moments" as "Win-Win situations"
2. Valentine`s Day card has bullet points
3. Can`t be trusted with the car (too accustomed to beating up rentals)
4. Celebrate anniversary by conducting a performance review
5. Ends any argument by saying "let`s talk about this offline"
6. Tries to call room service from the bedroom
7. Congratulates your parents for successful value creation
8. Takes a half-day at the office because, "Sunday is YOUR day"
9. Talks to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late
10. Referred to the first month of your relationship as a "diagnostic period"

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How Many Legs?

There are 7 gals on a bus. Each has 7 bags. In each bag, there are 7 bigcats. For every bigcats, there are 7 little cats. How many legs are there in the bus?

It needs simple calculation!! Please dont tell that there are no legs in the bus!!!!!

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GM vs Microsoft

At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

For no reason at all, your car would crash twice a day.

Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

Occasionally, executing a manoeuver such as a left-turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, and you would have to reinstall the engine.

When your car died on the freeway for no reason, you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT', and then added more seats.

Apple would make a car powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would run on only five per cent of the roads.

Oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car default' warning light.

New seats would force every-one to have the same size butt.

The airbag would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.

Occasionally, for no reason, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed the radio antenna.

GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of road maps from Rand-McNally (a subsidiary of GM), even though they neither need them nor want them. Trying to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

You would press the 'start' button to shut off the engine

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Three Envelopes

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.


Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press – and Wall Street – responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.

The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

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Who is the Designer of the Human Body?

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

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Salary Theorem

Salary Theorem stating "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People." can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on two postulates:

1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.

As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time

Since: Knowledge = Power and Time = Money

It follows that: Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

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Riddle me this: What is yours, but is used by Everyone else ?

(Hint: You would only require to use it rarely).

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A great story about an old dog named killer

A wealthy Old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa , taking his faithful, elderly dog named Killer, along for the company.

One day the old dog starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old dog thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old dog exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old dog nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old dog sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine! "

Now, the old dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old dog says...

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard! "

Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs.... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

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Bob and the Blonde

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money...

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Chinese New Year

I don't know if this is just a sick coincidence , but....

*2007* - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates
parts of Asia.
*2008* - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates
Australian racing.
*2009* - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds
of people around the globe.

*It gets worse. Next year: *

*2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?*

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Perfect Tee Shot!

A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the damn ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man," says his partner. "You'll never hit her from here."

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Marry Again???

One night, a husband and wife were having a conversation over dinner:
Wife: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
Husband: Definitely not!
Wife: Why not - don't you like being married?
Husband: Of course I do.
Wife: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Husband: Okay, I'd get married again.
Wife: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
Husband: (makes audible groan)
Wife: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Husband: Where else would we sleep?
Wife: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
Husband: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Wife: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Husband: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
Wife: - - - silence - - -
Husband: sh#t.sh#t.sh#t.....

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Marriage Proposal from a Techie

Baby, I ‘v seen you yesterday while surfing on local train
platform and realized that you are the only site I was browsing for. For
long time, I have been lonely, trying to find a bug in my life and you can
be a real debugger for me now.
My life is just an uncompiled program without you, which never
produces an executable code and hence is useless. You are not only
beautiful by face but all your ActiveX controls are attractive as well.
Your smile is so delightful, which encourages me and gives
power to me equal to thousands of mainframes processing power. When you
looked at me last evening, I felt like all my program modules were running
smoothly and giving expected results. /* Which I never experienced before
*/.
With this letter, I just want to convey to you that, if we
linked together, I’ll provide you all objects & libraries necessary
for a human being to live an error free life.
Also don’t bother about the firewall which may be created by
our parents as I’ve strong hacking capabilities by which I’ll ultimately
break their security passwords and make them agree for our marriage.
I anticipate that nobody is already logged in to your database
so that my connect script will fail. And its all certain that if this
happened to me,I will crash my system beyond recovery.
Kindly interpret this letter properly and grant me all
privileges of your inbox.

Only yours,
XYZ Software Professional

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Do they play football in heaven?

There were 2 friends complete fans of football. So they made an agreement that the first one who will die - will come back in the dream to the other one and tell him if they play football in heaven. One of them died and a couple of month later he cames into the dream of the other.

- I have 2 news for you... One is goof and the other one is not so good...
- Tell me the good one!
- Yes, they play football in heaven.
- And what is the bad one?
- You are in team that will be playing tomorrow

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Funny Lawyers

Here are a few golden ones from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' -

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS:None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

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Singh is King..

Each Friday night after work, Santa Singh would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a tandoori chicken and some meat kebabs. But, all of his neighbours were strict Catholics ... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating chicken and meat on a Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled meats was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their Priest.
The Priest came to visit Santa, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Santa attended Mass ... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, “You were born a Sikh, and raised a Sikh, but now, you are a Catholic."
Santa’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived.
The wonderful aroma of tandoori chicken and meat kebabs filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Santa's backyard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Santa, holding a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meats and chanted: "Oye, you waz born a chicken, and you waz born a lamb, you waz raised a chicken, and you waz raised a lamb but now yara(dear), you are a potato and tomato"!

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Talented Engineer!

The authorities were leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They asked the priest if he wanted to face up or down when he meets his fate.

The priest said that he would like to face up so that he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. So, they raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.

The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.

So, the authorities release the drunkard as well.

Next is the engineer. He also decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine when suddenly the engineer shouts, “WAIT!!!… I think the problem is right there where the cable is binding!!!”

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Cupboard story

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard. Then the woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '250'

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together..

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have football boots.' The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy - '750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'

The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'

Boy - '1,000.'

The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that crap again. You're in my cupboard now.'

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Waiting for Arrival

A man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.

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HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?

This is hysterical. You have to try this. It is absolutely true. I guess there are some things that the brain cannot handle.

You have to try this, it takes 2 seconds. I could not believe this!!! It is from an orthopedic surgeon............... This will boggle your mind and you will keep you trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't... It's pre-programmed in your brain!

1. Without anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY.....) and while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.

I told you so!!! And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.

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Sardarji's Mom's Letter .....cant stop laughing..

Dear Banta
Vahe Guru !

I am in a well here and hoping you are in the same well there. I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles.

I wont be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to bring our earlier address plate here, so that our address will remain same too.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the commode. I'm not sure it works. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.

Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.

By the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is really badmash. He told her that two-piece swimming suit is not allowed in this club. We were confused as to which piece should we remove?

Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your uncle, Jetinder fell in a nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried at sea after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father.

There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.

*******

P.S: Beta, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized, I had already sealed off this letter.

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I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things .
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft back ground music,
and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of
spring-water .


When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited
a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the
curtain rods.


She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned
with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell .


They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out .

Vents we re checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned .


Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to
set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few
days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool
carpeting..


Nothing worked!!!

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit .

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return
their calls .

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to
purchase a new place

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day .

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork .

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched
the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

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A man is almost about to die

As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."

His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"

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President Interrupted By 'Duck Ringtone' During Speech

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The Worst

One night, three guys are at a bar talking and they all think their wives are cheating on them.The first guy says he thinks his wife is screwing a plumber because he found a tool belt under his bed.They all agree, and the second guy tells his story. He says he thinks his wife is screwing a judge because he found a robe and gavel under his bed.They all agree, and then the third guy says, "That's nothing! My wife is the worst! I came home and found a cowboy under my bed. I can't believe she's screwing a horse."

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Another Dumb Blonde

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

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Smart Sardarji

A Sardarji and an American are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The American asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Sardarji, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The American persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa." Again, he declines and tries to get some sleep.

The American, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5,and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the Sardarji's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game. The American asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Sardarji doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet,pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the American.

"Okay," says the American, "your turn".

He asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The American, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer & searches all his preferences........no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the Sardarji and hands him $500. The Sardarji thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.

The American, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the Sardarji and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the Sardarji reaches into his purse,hands the american $5,and goes back to sleep.

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Most Men and REAL Men

The Difference between Most Men and REAL Men

Real Men..put you on the phone when their mothers call.

Most Men..pretend you're not there when their moms call.

Real Men..claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors, driving, and paying for dinner.

Most Men..claim to be feminists because they let YOU open doors, drive, and pay for dinner.

Real Men..know what they want to be doing five years down the road.

Most Men..are not sure what they want to be doing later tonight.

Real Men..really know how to make you relax.

Most Men...really know how to make you laugh.

Real Men..read Crichton, watch Rather, play golf.

Most Men..read King, watch Seinfeld, play poker.

Real Men..make a lot of money before they are 30.

Most Men..make a lot of mistakes before they are 30.

Real Men..wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes with laces.

Most Men..wear high school T-shirts they've actually owned since high school.

Real Men..think perfume (yours) is a turn-on.

Most Men..think sweat (theirs) is a turn-on.

Real Men..balance their checkbooks.

Most Men..balance their loans so that they never hit up the same buddy twice in a row.

Real Men..have an internist, a tailor and an accountant.

Most Men..have a barber, a bartender and a mechanic.

Real Men..are afraid of becoming their fathers.

Most Men..are afraid of becoming Real Men.

Real Men..start their own businesses.

Most Men..quit their jobs.

Real Men..order wine based on more than the price.

Most Men..bring their own beer.

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Or What?

A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn’t had sex with him for 6 months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doc asks her what’s wrong, and why doesn’t she want to have sex with her husband anymore.

The wife tells him, “For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me, ‘So are you going to pay today or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’. When I get to work I’m late so the boss asks me, ‘So are we going to write this down in the book or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’.

Back home again I take the cab and again I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me again, ‘So are you going to pay this time or what?’ so again I take a ‘or what’. So you see doc when I get home I’m all tired out, and I don’t want it any more.”

The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, “So are we going to tell your husband or what?”

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Two Cannibals

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.

The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

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Did you hear about the blonde that...

't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"

Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".

Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

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The bride tells her husband

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

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Marriage Quotes

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

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Blonde Paint Jokes

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

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Hilarious Indian movie fight scene

I'm speechlees after watching this!!

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A satire look at Corporate Lessons

Corporate lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over
which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly
wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says,"I'll give you 800 dollars to drop
that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops
her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob
hands her 800 dollars and leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps up in the
towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her
husband asks from the shower "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars
he owes me?"

Finding:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time
with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.

Corporate lesson 2

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he
stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and
crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The
priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the
car,
he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg.

The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm
129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced
himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes
from her leg.

Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" Once again the
priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance
and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to
retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129.
It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Finding:
Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great
opportunity!

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College Lecture

A professor in a college health class was trying to demonstrate the effects of alcohol on the human body/ To do this he had two glasses on a table in front of him one filled with water and one filled with beer. He placed a worm into the water glass and the worm crawled out. He then placed the worm in the beer glass and the worm died. he then asked the class what have we learned?

From the back of the room a known smart alleic responed "If you drink beer you won't get worms !"

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Deeply profound thoughts by Men!

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,

'You better think it over, Bob.

Women like that are hard to find.'

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Husbands are Husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the Head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" the man asked.

The wife replied "That was for the piece of paper with the name Julie on it that I found in your pants pocket".

The man then said "When I was at the races last week Julie was the name of the horse I bet on"

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied. "Your horse called up !!!!"

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Lottery Winner

I went home last night and asked the wife what she would do if I won the lottery. She replied "I would take half the money and leave you". I said great I won a tenner, here's £5.00 now clear off!

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Clean Underwear!

From the Daily News comes this story of a Stockton-on-Tees couple who drove their car to Asda, only to have their car break down in the car park. The husband told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The RAC mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

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The geography of a woman

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe , well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel , has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada , self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet , wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

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Man with no bad habits...

Once a man was waiting for a taxi. A beggar came along and asked him for
some money. The man ignored him. But being a professional, the beggar kept
on pestering him. The man became irritated when he realized that the beggar
would not leave him alone unless he parts with some money.
Suddenly an idea struck him. He told the beggar, "I do not have money, But
if you tell me what you want to do with the money, I will certainly help you
.."
"I would have bought a cup of tea", replied the beggar.
The man said, "Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of tea". He
then took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to the
beggar.
The beggar told, "I don't smoke as it is injurious to health."
The man smiled and took a bottle of whisky from his pocket and told the
beggar, "Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff. It is really good".
The beggar refused by saying, "Alcohol muddles the brain and damages the
liver".
The man smiled again. He told the beggar, "I am going to the race course.
Come with me and I will arrange for some tickets and we will place bets. If
we win, you take the whole amount and leave me alone".
As before, the beggar politely refused the latest offer by saying, "Sorry
sir, I can't come with you as betting on horses is a bad habit."
Suddenly the man felt relieved and asked the beggar to come to his home with
him. Finally, the beggar's face lit up in anticipation of receiving at least
something from the man. But he still had his doubts and asked the man, "Why
do you want me to go to your house with you".
The man replied, "My wife always wanted to see how a man with no bad habits
looks like !!!!"

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Nice Teaching !!!!!!!

First-year students at Veterinary school were attending their first Anatomy class, with a real dead pig.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a White sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a Doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the Animal body'. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, touched his finger in the mouth of the dead pig, withdrew it and put his Finger in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns putting their finger in the mouth of the dead pig and tasted in their mouth.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The Second most important quality is observation. I touched with my middle Finger and tasted on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention…

Moral of the story:

Life is Tough but its a lot tougher when you are stupid

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Talking Dog

A guy was driving around the back roads of Buderim when he saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ' Talking Dog for Sale ' .

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there.

' Do you talk? ' he asks. ' Yep, ' the Beagle replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says ' So, what ' s your story? '

The Beagle looks up and says, ' Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the Australian Marines. You know one of their nicknames is ' The Devil Dogs. '

' In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn ' t getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down ' .

' I retired from the Corps (eight dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I ' m just retired. '

The guy is totally amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

' Ten dollars, ' the guy says.
' Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap? '
' Because he ' s such a liar... He never did any of that crap. '

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The Taxi

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today Is my first day driving a cab... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

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Project Plan: .....How to Milk Cows

IT Projects.... (Ultimate....)

Client has 2 cows and you need to milk them

1 . First prepare a document when to milk them (Project kick off)
2 . Prepare a document how long you have to milk them (Project plan)
3 . Then prepare how to milk them (Design)
4 . Then prepare what other accessories are needed to milk them (Framework)
5 . Then prepare a 2 dummy cows (sort of toy cows) and show to client the way in which u will milk them (UI Mockups & POC)
6 . If client is not satisfied then redo from step 2
7 . You actually start milking them and find that there are few problem with accessories. (Change framework)
8 . Redo step 4
9 . At last milk them and send it to onsite. (Coding over)
10. Make sure that cow milks properly ( Testing)
11. Onsite reports that it is not milking there.
12. You break your head and find that onsite is trying to milk from bulls
13. At last onsite milk them and send to client (Testing)
14. Client says the quality of milk is not good. (User Acceptance Test)
15. Offsite then slogs and improves the quality of milk
16. Now the client says that the quality is good but its milking at slow rate (performance issue)
17. Again you slog and send it with good performance.
18. Client is happy???

By this time both the cows aged and cant milk. (The software got old and get ready for next release repeat from step 1) !!!!!

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Lotto Winner

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'

The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'

'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

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Businessman in a Hotel

A man checks into an hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely.

He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths
when you're calling for a cab.

He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.

She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs....... well, you get the picture!

He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.

When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call..

'Hello,' the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line '

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Fruit Polos

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year schoolchildren, using a bowl of fruit Polos.

He gave all the children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.

The children began to say:
'Red............cherry,'
'Yellow.........lemon,'
'Green............lime,'
' Orange ........orange.'

Finally the professor gave them all honey Polos. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.

'Well,' he said 'I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled:

'Oh My God!!!! They're arse-holes!!'

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Nothing like a good Bible story to make your day

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,
and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

She will praise you! She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and
passion whenever you need it.'

Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'

'An arm and a leg.'

Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib

Of course the rest is history.............!!!!

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Medical Conclusions on Healthy Diets

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

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Ferrari for £5000

A Glasgow man walks into a bank in Glasgow and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the loan officer that he is going to Australia on business
for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank
will need some form of security for the loan,
so the Glasgow lad hands over the keys
and documents of new Ferrari parked
on the street in front of the bank.
He produces the Log Book and everything checks out.
The loan officer agrees to accept
the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's Manager and its officers
all enjoy a good laugh at the rough looking Glaswegian
for using a £120,000 Ferrari
as collateral against a £5000 loan.
An employee of the bank then
drives the Ferrari into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Glaswegian returns,
repays the £5,000 and the interest,
which comes to £15.41.
The loan officer says,
"Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,
and this transaction has worked out very nicely,
but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away,
we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "£5,000" ?

The Glaswegian replies:

"Where else in Glasgow can I park my car
for two weeks for only £15.41
and expect it to be there when I return"

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The Loving Husband

A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral."

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What is Marketing?

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You approach her and
tell her: "I am very good in bed". That is Direct Marketing.

You are at a party with a group of friends and you see a very pretty
girl. One of your friends approaches her and tells her: "That guy over
there is very good in bed". That is Advertising.

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You ask for her phone
number. The following day you call her and tell her: "I am very good in
bed". That is Telemarketing .

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You recognize her, you
approach her and refresh her memory by telling her: "Do you remember how
good I am in bed?" That is Customer Relationship Management.

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You get up, fix your
tie, pour her a drink, open the door for her, pick up her bag when it
falls and you tell her: "I am very good in bed". That is Public Relations.

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. She approaches you and
tells you: "I heard you are very good in bed". That is BRANDING!!

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How to get Good Leads

A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can’t be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is.
“I promised not to tell!” he says.
“Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher’s daughter?” the preist asks.
“No, and I said I wouldn’t tell.”
“Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer’s daughter?”
“No, and I still won’t tell!”
‘Was it Mary Francis, the baker’s daughter?”
“No,” says the boy.
‘Well, son,” says the priest, “I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months.”
Outside, the boy’s friends ask what happened.
“Well,” he says, “I got six months, but three good leads.”

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Two fish in a tank.

One turns to the other and says “Do you know how to drive this?”

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Uk's best joke

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

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My friend is dead! What can I do?

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

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How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity in the Workplace

1. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender.
3. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha."
4. Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
5. Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.
6. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.
7. Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
8. Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
9. Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that.
10. Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
11. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.
12. Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."
13. Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
14. Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunch room. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
15. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

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Best Interview Strategy

Next time take your friend along for an Interview

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Italian Goes To Malta

This is a funny sound clip
Listen to what happens when an Italian goes to Malta

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Top 50 Job Interview Questions

1. Tell me about yourself:
Do you want the whole thing or just bits and pieces. I have a very 'storied' past.

2. Why did you leave your last job?
I didn't. It left me.

3. What experience do you have in this field?
I have worked in it.

4. Do you consider yourself successful?
Yes.

5. What do co-workers say about you?
I've never asked them to talk about me.

6. What do you know about this organization?
That you have a job opening.

7. What have you done to improve your knowledge in the last year?
I have read the news and I watch public television and listen to public radio.

8. Are you applying for other jobs?
Not at the moment, but I applied for tons of jobs earlier this week.

9. Why do you want to work for this organization?
I don't recall saying I did. Do you already know why you want me to work for you?

10. Do you know anyone who works for us?
No, if I did, I probably wouldn't have to sit through this BS.

11. What kind of salary do you need?
One that gives me as much income as possible and one that absolutely maximizes the income limitations of this job.

12. Are you a team player?
I used to be but I hung up the cleats and skates. I usually play individual sports now like Poker and Darts.

13. How long would you expect to work for us if hired?
That's a very good question. Probably until something better comes along.

14. Have you ever had to fire anyone? How did you feel about that?
No, but if given the chance, I would fire tons of people.

15. What is your philosophy towards work?
I do, therefore I work.

16. If you had enough money to retire right now, would you?
Tell me...when you're at the movie theater, do you ask people what they're doing there?

17. Have you ever been asked to leave a position?
Yes, but I am very convincing. It's all good.

18. Explain how you would be an asset to this organization
I would be an asset because I am valuable and useful, thus fulfilling the definition of the word asset.

19. Why should we hire you?
I am available and you are obviously short one employee.

20. Tell me about a suggestion you have made
I once told Perkins that they need to bring the wishing well back. The wishing well was an area near the front of the restaurant that offered children free plastic toys. It's the only reason I still eat at Perkins. I'm still awaiting my chance at making a plastic frog leap once again.

21. What irritates you about co-workers?
Many things, but mostly that they worklonger hours than I do.

22. What is your greatest strength?
Probably myrear deltoids. I've been hitting those pretty hard at the gym.

23. Tell me about your dream job.
Three words: San Fernando Valley

24. Why do you think you would do well at this job?
It seems you are doing well and I'm fairly certain I can outperform you.

25. What are you looking for in a job?
Mostly income.

26. What kind of person would you refuse to work with?
It would suck to work with myself.

27. What is more important to you: the money or the work?
This isn't a volunteer gig, is it? The job post said 'paid full-time'.

28. What would your previous supervisor say your strongest point is?
Avoidance and Deception. It's a tie.

29. Tell me about a problem you had with a supervisor
One of them had very bad breath. It was a huge problem for the whole office.

30. What has disappointed you about a job?
I had a job where they promised a full month of wearing jeans. You can imagine my excitement. Later, I came to find out that I had to donate money to United Way in order to sport my denim. This was very disappointing because I had just purchased 3 new pairs of jeans.

31. Tell me about your ability to work under pressure.
How many pascals are we talking? Are we talking about atmospheric or water pressure?

32. Do your skills match this job or another job more closely?
What other job?

33. What motivates you to do your best on the job?
Shane Falco, QB for Ohio State when they lost in the Sugar Bowl once said "Pain heals, chicks dig scars...glory lasts forever." So probably money.

34. Are you willing to work overtime? Nights? Weekends?
Are you hitting on me?

35. How would you know you were successful on this job?
When I arrive to work each day and I leave work under my own will.

36. Would you be willing to relocate if required?
Not within the confines of the office but I'm willing to negotiate.

37. Are you willing to put the interests of the organization ahead of your own?
Castration is illegal in the lower 48.

38. Describe your management style.
I just did.

39. What have you learned from mistakes on the job?
That it is usually other people's fault.

40. Do you have any blind spots?
I don't see how my car or vision fits into this equation.

41. If you were hiring a person for this job, what would you look for?
I wouldn't be looking because I know I'm available.

42. Do you think you are overqualified for this position?
I am always overqualified unless there are physical limitations. I did a summer of roofing buildings. Placing me closer to the sun is not a good idea.

43. How do you propose to compensate for your lack of experience?
The same way you compensate for your surplus of arrogance.

44. What qualities do you look for in a boss?
Someone who doesn't care what I'm doing and forgets about stuff.

45. Tell me about a time when you helped resolve a dispute between others.
A group of friends could not agree on the top 100 comedies of all time. I helped resolve the dispute by creating a google spreadsheet during work. It's all about providing the tools necessary for people to come to a healthy resolution.

46. What position do you prefer on a team working on a project?
Wow. Didn't expect this one. Probably reverse cowgirl?

47. Describe your work ethic.
If you ask me to deliver, I will deliver. If you ask me to get it done tomorrow, and it takes one day, you'll have it by tomorrow. If you ask me to get it done next week, and it takes one day, you'll get it next week. It's all about balancing free time and expectations.

48. What has been your biggest professional disappointment?
Probably this interview.

49. Tell me about the most fun you have had on the job.
Without getting into too much detail, it involved over sized beef jerky sticks and resulted in a customer complaint.

50. Do you have any questions for me?
Three of them.
1) How many more questions are there?
2) Are you going to offer me the job?
3) How much are you going to pay me?

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