Small World

Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon.

They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the men's game.

"Don't they know their supposed to let us play through?!" asked the first man.

The other man shook his head. "I'm going to go ask them if we can play through," said the first man, emphatically, "Enough is enough!"

He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.

"Oh God," he said to his friend, "This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress!"

The other man shrugged, and said "No sweat."

He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said - "Small world isn't it!"

Monsters Under His Bed

Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.

A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"

"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?"

"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"

"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.

"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."

"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?"

"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."

Smart Wife

Letter from husband ( who is abroad) to wife

Dear Sweetheart:

I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart

Your husband
Allen
============ =========

His wife replied back after some days to her husband:

Dearest sweetheart,

Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses Instead of the rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him Some other items....... ....
5. Other expenses 40 kisses

Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance.

Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise!!!
Your Sweet Heart

Three men

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a blonde. He bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning herself. He said he didn't see any difference on the first two days, but after it sunk in on the third day, he came home to a clean house and the dishes were washed and put away.

The second man had married a brunette. He bragged that he had ordered his wife to do all the cleaning, all the dishes, and all the cooking. He said he didn't see any results on the first day, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a redhead. He shared that he had told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, the dishes washed, the lawn mowed, the laundry done, and hot meals on the table every day. He said the first day he didn't see anything, and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye...just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and find the mower in the garage.

Happy New Year 2010

Wish you All a Very
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now stop staring and get back to work !!!!!

Senior Dating

Candice and Hazel , two "senior" widows, are talking.

Candice, "That nice Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Hazel, "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car, a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

"Then he takes me out for dinner, a marvelous dinner lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Candice, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Candice, "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Hazel , "No, no, no I'm just saying, wear an old dress!"

Reply to a Matrimonial Ad

Reply to a Matrimonial Ad in a Punjabi Newspaper!!

Dear Madam:
I am an older young uncle living only with myself in Amritsar. Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely.

I am a soiled son from inside Punjab. I am nice and big, six foot tall and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like cricket and I am a good batter and I am a fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running. Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce alot.

I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am jolly. I am gay. Especially ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. I am always giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top. That is how nice I am. I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking (only a Kingfisher in the evenings) but I am not sucking tobacco or anything else. Every morning I am going to the Jim and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in the Jim.

I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you. I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only. What to do? So I am taking things into my own hands everyday. That is why I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and take my things into your hand. If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you very hard every day. In fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the Jim. If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press you and press you until you come. So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet and looking up with lots of hope.

I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.

Expecting soon,
Yours and only yours,
Honey Bath,
born by mother in Bhindra di galli and become big, and moneyed in Amritsar, Punjab

Do you think it's the light?

In the flatlands of Milpitas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern, instructing, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there, Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down. I think there's yet another wee one to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man. It seems there's yet another one besides!" exclaimed the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

Two Black Balls

One day at school a teacher said, "Class I'm going to give you a question every Friday. If you answer it correctly, then you do not have to come to school on the following Monday."

The first Friday arrived and the teacher asked, "How many stars are in the sky?"

No one was able to answer.

The next Friday the teacher asked, "How many fish are in the sea?"

Again, no one was able to answer.

Then one student had an idea. He got two big bouncy balls and painted them black. On Friday, before she asked the question, he threw the balls in one of the aisles. The teacher asked, "Who's the guy with the big black balls?"

The kid yelled, "Bill Cosby! See ya next Tuesday!"

A Young Priest

There was a young priest who was having trouble both writing and delivering his sermons. So he asked his Bishop for help. The wise old Bishop said, "Well you might start with something to attract and hold their attention, such as, 'Last night I was in the warm embrace of a good woman,' that will get their attention then you go on to talk about how warm and accepting she was and at the end reveal she was your mother; that is great for sermons about family love."

The young priest decided to take the advice. The following Sunday he got into the pulpit and said, "Last night I was in the arms a hot woman," he paused. The congregation was totally transfixed; no lack of attention now. But he had forgotten what come next, so he stumbled on about how great she was and how good she made him feel. Then he thought of a way to get out of his problem. He said in conclusion, "Well I may not remember who she was, but she was recommended by the Bishop!"

Business Trick

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own
opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.'

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and
announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.'

The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign
of all over his own shop. It read: 'MAIN ENTRANCE'

Magic Mirror

A Blonde, a Redhead and a Brunette go into a bar. The bartender tells them there is a magic mirror in the ladies room, if you say one true thing you will receive the desire of your heart, but if you tell a lie you will be sucked into the mirror forever.

The Redhead walks in and says, 'I think I am the most intelligent woman here' and *poof* a million dollars falls in her hands.

The Brunette walks in and says, 'I think I am the most beautiful woman here' and *poof* the keys to a Mustang fall into her hands.

Next the Blonde walks in and says, 'I think...' and *poof* she disappears into the mirror forever.

Funny Dumb Blonde Quickie Jokes


Q.
Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A.
It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.

Q.
What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg?
A.
Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.

Q.
What do you call a blond with a brain?
A.
A golden retriever.

Q.
Why does a blonde throw water on her keyboard?
A.
To surf the internet

Q.
What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
A.
Invisible.

Q.
Why are there no brunette jokes?
A.
Because blondes would have to think them up.

Q.
How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A.
Present her with a mirror and tell her to wait for the other person to say "Hello"

Q.
How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?
A.
Write "Please turn over" on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q.
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A.
Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q.
How do you confuse a blonde?
A.
You can't, they have always been like that.

Q.
A blonde is going to London on a plane. How can you steal her window seat?
A.
Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q.
What do twenty blondes standing ear to ear make?
A.
A wind tunnel.

Q.
How do you confuse a blonde?
A.
Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner.

Sardar in Paris

A Sardar furniture dealer decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capital), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a new range of furniture that he thought would sell well back home in India .

To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a pub and havea glass of wine. As he sat down enjoying his wine, soon enough, a very beautiful attractive young lady came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair.

He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in Hindi, Punjabi & English, but she did not speak or know any of these languages. So, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.

They left the pub and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.

She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Then, after they were back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a bed. . . . ........ ............ ........ Would you believe..... .. . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Till this day, the Sardar has no idea how she figured out that he was in the furniture business!!!!

Capitalism

A little boy came up to his father and asked: daddy, what is political corruption?!

His father looked strangely on him and said: well son, you wouldn’t understand now, but I will make it close to you: I pay money on this house, so call me the capitalism…
Your mom is organizing this house matters, so lets call her the government…
And you are at her disposal, so lets call you…the people…
And your little brother is our hope…so we shall call him…the future….
However, for our maid who lives with us and we support her, so we shall call her…the hard working labor…

Go off son and think about that, may be you shall understand now…

So late at night, the little boy kept thinking about this and couldn’t sleep, he got up at night hearing his little baby brother crying….

He checked him and found him soaked in dirt as his diaper was full of shit….

He went to call his mommy, but found her in deep sleep…..!

So boy goes to check his dad, he went up to maid’s room and looked thru door hole, he finds his dad sleeping with maid…..

So next day, the little boy goes straight to his dad and says: well daddy I know now what political corruption is….
Well sonny…what is it? Replied his father strangely….

When capitalism screws around with the hard working labor, and government is sleeping off, the people is left unattended and the future is deep in shit…….:))

The Indian Engineer

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars.

Only one person could go, and he will not return to Earth.

The first applicant, an American engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going.

“A million dollars”, he answered, “because I wish to donate it to M.I.T.”

The next applicant, a Russian doctor, was asked the same question.

He asked for two million dollars.

“I wish to give a million to my family”, he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”

The last applicant was an Indian Engineer.

When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewers ear, “Three million dollars.”

“Why so much more than the others?” the interviewer asked.

He Replied, “$1 million is for you, I will keep $1million, and well give the American engineer $1million and send him to Mars”.

Loving and caring wife

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.

Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress.

Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

Miniskirt Blues

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket.

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step. So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!! " At this the Texan drawled " Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that maybe we were friends."

Pest Problem

A: I'm in a big trouble!
B: Why is that?

A: I saw a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.

A: I don't have one.
B: Well then, buy one.

A: Can't afford one.
B: I can give you mine if you want.

A: That sounds good.
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.

A: I don't have any cheese.
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.

A: I don't have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.

A: I don't have bread.
B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house??????

Why professionals are Dirty?

The Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes."

The Dentist because he says, "Open wide."

The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"

The Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"

The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."

The Banker because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."

The Police Officer because he says, "Spread 'em."

The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.

The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

Can you guess my age ?

Julie decides to have a face-lift for her birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On her way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, she says to the sales clerk:
"I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 31," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," Julie says, feeling really happy.

After that, she goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 35".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while sitting in a restaurant, she asks a man sitting near her-
"How old do you think I am ?"

He replies, "My eyesight fails me however, when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand down your bra and play with your boobs for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, Julie thinks: What the hell and lets him slip his hand down her bra.

Ten minutes later, the man says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the Julie says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The Man replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

Blonde Mother

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast is hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, “Ma’am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?”

She says, “Why, Officer?”

“Because your breast is hanging out.”

She looks down and says, “OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus !”

HUSBANDS FOR SALE ! !

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch .. . .. you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

Blonde in a Snowstorm

A blonde gets lost in her car in a snowstorm. She remembers her father's advice, "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snow plow and follow it." Soon a snow plow comes by, and she follows it for about 45 minutes.

Finally, the driver of the truck gets out and asks her what she is doing. She explains the advice her father had given her. The driver says, "Well, I'm done with the parking lot here at the mall, now you can follow me over to the bank.

Women's T-Shirt Sayings

  • Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
  • Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?
  • I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
  • Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
  • I hate everybody, and you're next.
  • Please don't make me kill you.
  • And your point is...?
  • I used to be schizophrenic, but we're ok now.
  • I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
  • Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
  • Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.
  • You KNOW you want me.
  • Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time...
  • Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
  • Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
  • I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
  • You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs. Any questions?
  • Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
  • You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
  • All stressed out and no one to choke.
  • I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
  • How can I miss you if you won't go away?
  • Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
  • If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
  • I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.

SO YOU THINK ENGLISH IS EASY!

Whoever put this together is some kind of genius......it would have taken him or her a month of Sundays. Happy reading and enjoy.

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce .

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

17) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

18) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

19) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Hillarious URLs:

In today's world the Key is a good domain Name....

1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… for it… is: www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com.

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company… www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com

Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com

Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com

Beer Drinking Babies

Trophy Girlfriend !

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful looks and charm.

She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age", Bob replies.

"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

Blondes

A farmer took the camper off his truck before going to town.

As he was going down the road five Blondes were standing beside the road hitchhiking.

The farmer picked them up, one blonde got in the front and the other four blondes got in the back.

As they were going over the hill the brakes went out on the truck.

The farmer couldn’t stop the truck and they went into the pond at the bottom.

The farmer and the blonde that were up front come up out of the water a minute later.

They kept waiting for others in the back to come up.

The farmer said, “I wonder where they are?”

The blonde said, “May be they drowned.”

About five minutes later they come up gasping for breath. The farmer asked, “What the Hell took you so long?”

The four blondes said, “We had a devil of a time getting that fucking tailgate open!"

Equal Privileges

A country club didn't allow women on the golf course. Eventually, there was enough pressure that they decided to allow women on the course during the week.

The ladies were satisfied with this arrangement, formed a women's club and became very active.

After about 6 months, the club board received a letter from the women's club complaining about the men, urinating on the golf course. Naturally, they just ignored the matter.

After another 6 months, they received another letter reminding them of the previous letter and demanding action.

After due deliberation they sent the women a letter advising them that they had been granted equal privileges!

Goodnight, Goodbye!

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: 'God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.'

The father asked, 'Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, 'I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.' The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a Strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: 'God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and Goodbye Grandma.' The next day the grandmother died.

'Holy carp" thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: 'God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.' He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every Sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said 'I've never seen you work So late, what's the matter?'

He said 'I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life.'

She replied, 'You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me.. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!

Women VS Beer

Most men like women. But, most men like beer too ! So, for men it becomes a rather confusing choice between women and beer ! Following is a debate, developed by the University of Mumbai , in India ... to help you analyze which is better ! Here is the debate .......

A Beer is always wet, a woman is not !
1 point for beer !

Beer is horrible, when it is hot !
1 point for women !

A cold beer, satisfies you !
1 point for beer !

If you come back home smelling beer, your wife can get angry at you.
If you come back home smelling women, your wife will get angry for sure and she might even not talk to you again !
Draw ! ( Depends on your point of view ... )

10 beers in a night and then you can't drive. 10 women in one night and you don't have to drive anywhere !
1 point for women !

The older, The beer is - the better, it is !
1 point for beer !

Many beers can make you see UFO's. Many women can make you see God !
1 point for women !

If you ask yourself how the next woman will be, you are normal. If you ask yourself how the next beer will be, you are an alcoholic !
1 point for women !

For a beer, you pay taxes !
1 point for women !

If you take a second beer, the first one doesn't get angry !
1 point for beer !

You can always be sure that, you are the first one " Opening " a beer !
1 point for beer !

If you shake a beer, after a while it calms down by itself !
1 point for beer !

You know exactly how much a beer costs !
1 point for beer !

A beer does not have a mother !
1 point for beer !

You can do it if you want, but beer won't ask you to hug her for half an hour after !
1 point for beer !



So the Score is ........... Beer beats women - 9 to 6 !



If you are a woman reading this and getting angry ......... know that a beer would never get angry ! So .......... Another point for beer !
Now the final score is .......... Beer beats women - 10 to 6 !

The Awesome Power of a Wifes Love

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.

Women on Phone

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit, She instructed her son to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site.

After junior hadcalled, he got back to mummy to inform her that there was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.

Women!!

She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a tight slap, and she slapped him again, for good measure.

People from the neighborhood rushed around to find out what the cause of the commotion was. The woman asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called.

Junior said
"The subscriber you have dialed is not available at Present.
"Please Try Again Later"...

If Men Arranged Weddings...

1) There would be a "Rehearsal Dinner Kegger" until the cops showed up.

2) Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops.

3) They would have NO tan lines and more skin showing than not..

4) Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors.

5) June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs.

6) Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that "forsaking all others" part.

7) The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped-up ‘73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!

8) Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) would get punched
in the head.

9) Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man."

10) There would be "Tailgate Receptions."

11) Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or between innings.

12) Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long.

13) Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. The cost of strippers and liquor really does add up.

14) Men wouldn’t ask, "Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy or the wine colored napkins?" They’d just grab extras from their local pub or tavern.

15) Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.

16) The bride’s dress would show cleavage, her navel, and be form-fitted to her ass.

17) Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza, and plenty of bar-b-que.

18) No one would bother with that veil routine. But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go.

19) The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral/wedding (what’s the difference) or something.

20) Invitations would read as follow: Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the old ball and chain.
He’s getting married. He either:
A) Knocked her up,
B) Couldn’t get a different roommate, or
C) Caved in to her ultimatum. Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him For the
rest of this life at Soldier Field Stadium On the 50-Yard Line at Half-time during Sunday’s
Game Please join us at the Moonlight Lounge after the game For Beer, Nachos and Pizza. Oh yeah... B.Y.O.B.

10 Downfalls Of Manhood Of

1. You have to take out the garbage.

2. The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.

3. No sofas in your rest rooms.

4. External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.

5. Even if you get your head caught in an industrial woodchipper, you're not allowed to cry.

6. James Bond movies only come out every two years.

7. Ribbed for her pleasure, not yours.

8. You have to wear ties.

9. You can't flirt your way out of a jam.

10. "Women and children first"

Top 10 Things Only Women Understand

10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.

9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.

8. Crying can be fun.

7. FAT CLOTHES.

6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.

5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.

4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.

2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:

1. OTHER WOMEN!

Some Very Bright Women

1. I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb... and I also know that I’m not blonde. -Dolly Parton

2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. -Erica Jong

3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. -Rita Rudner

4. My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. -Rita Rudner

5. I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. -Wendy Liebman

6. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. -Erma Bombeck

7. If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing ‘em. -Sue Grafton

8. I’m not going to vacuum ‘til Sears makes one you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr

9. I think, therefore I’m single. -Lizz Winstead

10. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. -Elayne Boosler

11. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -Maryon Pearson

12. I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn’t itch. -Gilda Radner

13. In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. -Margaret Thatcher

14. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. -Gloria Steinhem

15. Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. -Glori Steinhem

16. I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. -Marie Corelli

17. Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths. -Baroness Edith Summerskill

18. If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? -Linda Ellerbee

19. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor

When not even God.....

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"


(You'll love this)




























God replied: "I didn't recognize you."

God Vs Man

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven." Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself."

The be-feathered fellow at the gates takes him to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Ah, yes." "Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your invention: One, there's too much front-end protrusion Two, it chatters at high speeds. Three, the rear end wobbles too much. Four, the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on." God goes to his Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God tells Arthur Davidson,

"but according to My Computer, more people are riding my invention than yours."

Michelle Heaton falls

She was compared to the car she was about to unveil - 'slick, stylish and attractive'

Man Dealing With Wife

Man and wife traveling.
Wife is nagging husband…A man marries the meanest woman in town.
Everyone tells the man: man you’re crazy, that woman is the meanest woman in town.
Every man she marries she drives him crazy.
So the man says I have something for that.
So they get on with their trip. The man and the woman are on one mule riding to their house.
On the way down the road the donkey slips up and stumbles and the man says "that's one time."
They get a little further down the road the donkey slips up again, the man says "that's two times."
They get a little further down the road and the donkey stumbles again, the man says "that's three times."
Then the man and wife got off the donkey and the man shoots it. The wife gets mad and says "man are you crazy that was our only transportation you son of a bitch!!
The man says, "that's one time."

Little Johnny Failed Math

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said '6'."

"But that's right!"

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'"

"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said."

Freaky Chakra

Mike is dead

"Did your hear the news? Mike is dead!"

"Whoa, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived at my driveway, he was going too fast, couldn't brake properly and boom - he hits the curb and the car flips. The car knocks down half of my front fence and Mike gets thrown through the sunroof. He went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that. That didn't kill him at all. So, he lands in my upstairs bedroom, lying on the floor all covered in broken glass. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when
bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking one arm, three ribs and both his legs."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and drags himself out onto the landing. He tries to pull himself up on the bannister but under his weight, the bannister breaks and he goes falling all the way down to the first floor taking the entire
bannister with him. In mid air, all the broken bannister poles fall on him and 2 or 3 of them skewer him right through the abdomen just like a rotisserie chicken when he landed at the bottom."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him. He survived even that. So he's on the downstairs floor just outside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove by but reaching for a big pot of boiling hot water, and whoosh, the whole thing comes down on him and burns most of his skin off along with the flooring."

"Man, what a terrible way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that ! He's lying on the floor, scalded by boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing out of the wall. Water and electricity don't mix and so he got
electrocuted, wallop, with 220 volts going right through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he .."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my damn house"

An Interesting Management Lesson

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me screw you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. "

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She responded, "The bastard used coins!"

Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

The Pope

A businessman is getting on a flight when he hears from another passenger that the Pope is going to be on the flight.

"WOW, great!" he thinks, being a devout Christian, "What a good place to be today."

Just before the aircraft doors are closed the Pope enters the plane and sits next to him.

I am surely blessed the man thinks. Here I am, a good Catholic on a flight with the Pope sitting next to me.

The plane takes off and after a few minutes the passengers take off their seat belts.

The man looks sideways and sees the Pope reaching into his bag to take out a crossword book. Marvelous, he thinks, not only am I blessed with the Pope next to me but he does crosswords and so do I. He notices that the Pope is working his way through the puzzle, and that the Pope is tapping his pencil, thinking.
The Pope turns to him and says, "I usually don't talk to anyone on flights, but I wonder if you can help me?"

"Anything your Eminence.. What is it?"

"Do you know a four letter word that ends in 'u-n-t' that means something associated with women?"

The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally he says, "The only word I can think of is aunt."

The Pope looks at him and asks, "Do you have an eraser?"

The Game between a barber and a boy

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,

"This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks,

"Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber.

"That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

Married Couple At The Bar

A pissed-off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

Affair With The Secretary

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love.

When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock. They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked thinking him pretty weird.

The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."

The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. You damn liar! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"

A Really Nasty Divorce

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "Really? What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"

Marriage Quips

• I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. --David Bissonette

• I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again. --Noel Coward, 1956

• When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. --Sacha Guitry

• Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. --Jackie Mason

• Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. --Montaigne

• After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. --Hemant Joshi

• Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

• Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

• Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

• Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

• Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

• If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

• What Exactly Is Marriage??

• "Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents." --Eric, Age 6

• "When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.'" Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." --Anita, Age 9

• How Does A Person Decide Whom To Marry??

• "You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." --Kally, Age 9

• "My mother says to look for a man who is kind.... That's what I'll do.... I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." --Carolyn, Age 8

• Concerning The Proper Age To Get Married.

• "Eighty-four. Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." --Carolyn, Age 8

• "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." --Bert, Age 5

• How Did Your Mom And Dad Meet??

• "They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down. It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values." --Lottie, Age 9

• "My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind." --Jeremy, Age 8

• What Do Most People Do On A Date??

• "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." --Martin, Age 10

• "Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." --Craig, Age 9

• When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone??

• "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." --Allan, Age 10

• "Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." --Kally, Age 9

• The Great Debate: Is It Better To Be Single Or Married??

• "You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan." --Kirsten, Age 10

• "It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them." --Anita, Age 9

• "It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." --Will, Age 7

The Best Pilot

It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during World War II.
He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola Naval Air Station, skipping recruit training.
The very first day at Pensacola, he soloed and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his first day aboard, he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese fighter planes.
Then climbing up to 20,000 feet, he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down as well.
Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the nearby carrier, and came in for a perfect landing on the deck.
He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain.
Saluting smartly, he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"
The captain turned around, bowed politely, and replied, "You make onry one velly, velly selious mistake."

Memorial

One Sunday morning, the priest noticed Little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Little Johnny."

"Good morning, Father," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Father Scott, what is this?" Little Johnny asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

Gujarati Funeral

A family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother (Baa) arrived from the US. It was sent by one of the daughters.

The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it when they opened the lid; they found a letter on top addressed to her brothers and sisters:

Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Smitaben and Varsha,

I am sending Baa's body to you, since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in GUJARAT.

Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed.

You will find inside the coffin, under Baa's body, cans of cheese, 10 packets of Tobleron chocolates and 8 packets of Badam (Almond) please divide these among all of you.

On Baa's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan.
There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha's and Lakshmi's sons. Hope the sizes are correct.

Baa is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Mohan.

Just distribute the rest among yourselves.

The 2 new Jeans that Baa is wearing are for the boys.

The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Baa's left wrist.
Shanta masi, Baa is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them off her.

The 6 white cotton socks that Baa is wearing must be divided among my nephews.

Please distribute all these fairly.

Love Smita.

PS : If anything more required let me know soon as Bapuji is also not feeling too well now a days

Hillary's Fortune Teller

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local reputation: In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. As the mystic took her reading, she had a struck look on her face, looked up and said, "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's wrinkled face, then at the single flickering candle on the table. Looking aside for a moment, Hillary then looked back down to her wringing hands in her lap. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and consider her question; she just had to know.

Hillary met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question: "Will I be acquitted?"

On Top Of Strawberry Hill

There were three guys who were late to class.
The first guy came in and said, "Sorry I’m late teacher I was on top of Strawberry Hill".
The second guy came in and said, "Sorry teacher I was late and it won’t happen again".
Then the third guy came in and said the same.
Then a girl came in and the teacher said, "Let me guess, you were on top of Strawberry Hill too huh?"
The girl said, "No, I am Strawberry Hill".

Questions you never bothered thinking of

  • If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
  • Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
  • Is there another word for synonym?
  • Isn't is it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
  • When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
  • When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
  • Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
  • Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
  • Why do they report power outages on TV?
  • What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
  • Is it possible to be totally partial?
  • What's another word for thesaurus?
  • If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
  • Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
  • Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
  • Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
  • If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
  • If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
  • If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
  • When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
  • Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
  • If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
  • Why is the word abbreviation so long?
  • When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
  • If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Accused of Murder

A woman was on the witness stand, accused of poisoning her husband.

"After you put poison in the coffee, you sat at the breakfast table and watched your husband drink it. Tell me, didn't you feel the slightest bit of pity for him?" the defense attorney prompted.

"Yes," she replied, "I think there was one moment when I felt sorry for him."

"And when was that?"

"When he asked for his second cup."

Jealous Husband...

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife.

The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video.

They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man!

He saw the two of them laughing in the park.

He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe.

He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub.

He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"

Little Jhonny tells a story

Little Johnny sees his father's car passing the playground and gointo the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees his father and his aunt Jane "hugging" in the parked vehicle.

Johnny finds this very exciting and can barely contain himself so he runs home and starts to tell his mother,

"I was at the playground and I saw daddy's car go into the woods with aunt Jane. I went to look for them and I saw daddy giving aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then aunt Jane helped daddy take his pants off, then aunt Jane lay down on the seat, then daddy..."

At this point, Johnny's mother cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story. Suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Johnny's mother asks him to tell his story, so Johnny starts to talk, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and...

"...then daddy and aunt Jane did that same thing mommy and uncle Richard used to do when daddy was in the army."

Little Johnny at Bible Study

A pastor was giving a lesson to a group of children on the Twenty-third Psalm. He noticed that one of the little boys seemed disquieted by the phrase, “Surely, goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life”

What’s wrong with that Johnny?” the pastor asked. “Well”, answered Johnny, “I understand about having goodness and mercy. But I’m not sure I’d like Shirley following me around all the time”.

Mom and Dad, A mystery for a young chap!!!!

A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married. His father was happy for him.

He asked his son who the girl was, and he told him that it was Samantha a girl from the neighborhood.

With a sad face the old man said to his son, 'I'm sorry to say this son but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother.'

The young man again brought 3 more names to his father but ended up frustrated cause the response was still the same.

So he decides to go to his mother. 'Mama I want to get married but all the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you.'

His mother smiling said to him, 'Don't worry my son, you can marry any of those girls. You're not his son !!'

Sleeping with BOB

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all blood shot.
They said, Man, what happened to you?
He said, Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.

The next night it was a different guy's turn.
In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes were blood shot.
They said, Man, what happened to you? You look awful!
He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring.
I watched him all night.

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said.

They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said,
Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night...

Bob sat up and watched me all night."

10 Commandments of a Teenager!!!

  1. Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping. (why wait?)
  2. Thou shall not do drugs (alcohol last longer)
  3. Thou shall not steal from k-mart. (Wal-Mart has a bigger selection)
  4. Thou shall not get arrested for vandalism. (destruction has a bigger effect)
  5. Thou shall not steal from thy parents. (every-1 knows grandma has more money)
  6. Thou shall not get in fights. (just start them)
  7. Thou shall not skip class. (just take the whole day off)
  8. Thou shall not strip in class. (hooters pays more)
  9. Thou shall not think about having sex. (as nike says just do it)
  10. Thou shall not help old ladies cross the street. (just leave them in the middle)

They have explaining to do

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real Penis.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . You explain the 3 kids."

It's time to go home

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!”
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.


The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
.
.
.
.
The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

Inside the Mental hospital.

Ron and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ron suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ron out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ron, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.
I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied:
'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'

How to interpret Women's personal Ads

WOMAN'S PERSONAL ADS

Adventurous.....................Slept with all your friends
Athletic............................No boobs
Friendship first...................Former slut
Gentle..............................Dull
Open-minded.....................Desperate
Outgoing...........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate........................Sloppy drunk
Poet.................................Depressive
Professional.......................Bitch
Romantic...........................Frigid
Voluptuous........................Very Fat
Large frame.......................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate................Stalker
Widow..............................Murderer
Average looking.................Ugly
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure..............On medication
Feminist............................Fat
Free spirit..........................Junkie

40-ish
means she is ................49

Do you hear what you want to hear?

Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

Careful Blonde

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.

One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

A letter from sardar(singh) mom to her son

My dear Jagjit,

I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there.

I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20miles.

I won't be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address.

Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address plate here, and that our address will remain same too.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the toilet I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.

Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.

Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your uncle, Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love - Mom.

P.S. Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized, I had already sealed off this letter.

Stoned

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'
The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!'
So the koala looked down at him and exclaimed,'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude... How much water did you drink!??'

An Elderly Gentleman

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

The Restaurant

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Abusing Parrot

A woman walks into a pet shop hoping to find the right pet. She wonders around for a while and she stumbles on to this big ass parrot in this huge cage.

She checks it out for a minute and notices that the parrot has two strings hanging down. On the right foot is a red string and on the left foot is a yellow string. She calls the pet shop manager over and asks him what the strings mean.

He say's, "Well madam, if you pull the red string he will sing a hymn and if you pull the yellow string he will say a prayer."

So the woman thinks out loud, "What would happen if I pulled both strings at the same time?"

The parrots eyes got real big and he looked at her and screamed out, "I'd fall on my ass you silly bitch!"

The Bird Retriever

A duck hunter needed a new bird dog, so he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve the duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a true pessimist and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.

The friend saw everything but didn't say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything funny about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim!"

Why it’s nice to be a dog…

• No one expects you to take a bath every day.

• Your friends never expect you to pay for lunch, dinner, or anything else for that matter.

• When it’s raining, you can lie around the house all day and never worry about being fired.

• If it itches, you can reach it.

• And, no matter what itches, no one is offended if you scratch it in public.

• You can wear a fur coat and no one thinks you’re insensitive.

• If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices.

• You never get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger’s lap

• Having big feet is considered an asset.

• If you gain weight, it’s someone else’s fault.

• No one tells you to wipe your nose because it’s wet.

• No matter where you live, you own the place.

• Your mate never complains because you whine.

• Puppy love can last.

Out in the Country

When you’re from the country you look at things a little differently

A rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.

‘Is yer Dad home?’ the rancher asked.

‘No sir, he ain’t,’ the boy replied. ‘He went into town.’

‘Well,’ said the rancher, ‘is yer Mom here?’

‘No, sir, she ain’t here neither. She went into town with Dad.’

‘How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?’

‘He went with Mom and Dad.’

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

‘Is there any thing I can do fer ya?’ the boy asked politely. ‘I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.’

‘Well,’ said the rancher uncomfortably, ‘I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It’s about your Brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant.’

The boy considered for a moment. ‘You would have to talk to Pa about that’ he finally conceded.

‘If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but, I really don’t know how much he gets fer Howard.’

Armed Robber

An armed and hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber’s face.

The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.

One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him in the head also. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

Did anyone else see my face?’ calls the robber.
There is a few moments silence then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says:

‘I think me wife may have caught a glimpse ….’

Middle Name

Mr. Greenberg was an illiterate immigrant, but he worked hard, saved his pennies, and started a small business. It did well, and soon he had enough money to send for the wife and children. The work kept him very busy, so he never had time to learn to write, but the bank was happy to
do business with him, even though his signature consisted of two X’s.

He prospered, he opened more stores, the kids were transferred to private schools, the family moved into a fancy house (with one staircase going nowhere just for show)…you get the idea.

One day his banker, Mr. Smith, asked him to drop by. “So vat’s the problem?” Greenberg asked, a bit anxiously. Smith waved a bunch of checks at him. “Perhaps nothing,” he said, “but I wanted to be on the safe side. These recent checks of yours are all signed with 3 X’s, but your signature of record has just 2.”

Greenberg looked embarrassed. “I’m sorry about making trouble,” he said, “but my vife said that since I’m now such a high class rich guy, I should have a middle name!”

Lady With Five Children

You heard about the lady with five children whose doctor prescribed her Valium for anxiety and stress, right? When she went back in two weeks she told the doctor that everything was wonderful!

She said that her house was quiet and clean, she had time to read and even enjoy her favorite television shows each day.

But she did need a refill on her script. “A refill, already?!”, said the doctor, “How many pills are you taking?”

“Taking!?” the patient replied, “I’ve been giving them to my children.”

Found It!

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was no where to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.

“How did you manage to find it, Mom?” the teenager asked.

“We weren’t looking for the same thing,” she replied. “You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150.”

At a Cafeteria

It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly lady sitting at
the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young
woman beside her. Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the girl and bellowed with a loud voice “Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!”

“So would I,” sighed the girl, “but you know, there just isn’t time
enough during a coffee break….”

Cheap Cruise

A blonde enters a restaurant and goes straight to the bulletin board in the back. On the board, she sees a piece of paper that reads "Ocean Cruise - Only $10".

She pulls the piece of paper from the board and goes to the address listed on the back of it. She enters the building and hands the paper to the secretary who nods and asks the blonde if she has ten dollars. The blonde takes five dollars from her purse and gives it to the secretary.

The secretary then looks over to a burly guy reading a newspaper and nods to him. He stands up, walks over to the blonde and knocks her unconscious.

When she wakes up, she finds that she's tied to a log and is floating down the river. She starts to think that maybe this wasn't such a good idea. All of a sudden, she sees one of her blonde friends tied to a log floating right next to her.

"So, do you think they're going to serve us some food on this trip?" the blonde asks her friend.

"They didn't serve any last year!" her blonde friend replies.

Down The Toilet

A young couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred.

Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet for the morning's relief, and neglected to notice that the seat was up. When she sat, she kept going!

She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her. She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried desperately to extricate her.

In this process they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs.

Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem.

When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way.

Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber and placed the first thing he could think of, his shoes, over his wife's exposed privates.

The plumber walked into the bathroom, took one long look, and commented, "Well, I think I can save your wife, buddy, but her lover's a goner."

Faithful Wife !!!

A man was talking to his best friend about his married life.

"You know," he says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me, but there's always that doubt. There's always that little doubt."

"Yeah, I know what you mean," his friend replies.

"Well, buddy, I've got to leave on a business trip this weekend, and I wonder... well... would you watch my house while I'm gone? I trust her, it's just that there's always that doubt."

The friend agreed to help out and two weeks later gave his report.

"I've got some bad news for you," says the friend. "The evening after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. A man got out of the car and went in the house and had dinner with your wife. After dinner they went upstairs and I saw your wife kissing him. Then, he took off his shirt and she took off her top and bra. And then the light went out."

"Then what happened?" said the husband, his eyes opening wide.

"Well, I don't know," replied the friend, "it was too dark to see."

"Damn!" roared the husband. "You see what I mean? There's always that doubt!"

Stubborn Girlfriend

A young guy was complaing to his Boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend.

She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her, the young man exclaimed.

Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife, replied the Boss. Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her.

Shaking his head the young guy replied, that doesn't work. Once I get her pants down I'm not mad anymore

WHEN FILLING OUT A JOB APPLICATION

Job-search specialist Robert Half reports that the following bon mots recently appeared on

actual resumes:
=======================================================================================

"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."

"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs."

"Number of dependents: 40."

"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

"Responsibility makes me nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."

"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

"High voltage telephone answering."

"Extensive prof reading skills."

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."

"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."

"I'm a rabid typist."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation"

"Your requirements match the responsibilities of my present job precisely, so I will be glad to do do again."