Breast Stroke

A blonde, brunette and redhead all decide to participate in the swimming of the English channel.

They all decided to do the same stroke as it would be fair and they should all finish at the same time. Not wanting to lose energy quickly, they chose breast stroke.

They all started and a few hours later, the brunette arrives on land, tired.

The next one to complete it, was the redhead, a couple of hours behind the brunette.

Lastly, 6 hours after the brunette had arrived, the blonde clambers on shore, absolutely exhausted.

When the TV crew arrived, they asked her why she took so long, she replied: "Not to be a sore loser or anything but I'm pretty sure I saw the other two using their arms."

Husband

“I was in a very generous mood today,” a woman said to her friend.
“I gave a poor beggar $25.”
“That’s a lot of money to give away,” her friend said.
“What did your husband say?”
Woman: “He said thank you.”

Fathers, beware of such sons..

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father." The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that. "

The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way.. "

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,

"Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

Genie

A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it. Inside was a genie. The genie said," I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only." The man thought about his first wish and decided, "I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account. POOF! Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him. He asked for his final wish, " I wish I was irresistible to women." POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.

Rude Guy

A guy is sitting in a bar with a depressed look on his face. Another guy comes up to lighten the mood and drinks his beer.

"Hey!" The depressed guy raises his voice. "Why did you do that!?!? I need that!"

The other guy replies "Sorry man, I didn't know you'd get so upset about it!"

"Look man, My wife just dumped me for a younger man and is taking my kids and half of our stuff, then my cat that I've had for 13 years dies out of no where,

then my house gets egged and I oversleep, my boss gets mad and fires me, here to find out it wasn't because I was late,

My wife's new boyfriend was hired for my job! And then after all of that some jackass comes in here and drinks my poison!"

The Governor's Assistant

Joe, the Governor's most trusted assistant, died in his sleep one night. The Governor had depended on Joe for advice on every subject, from pending bills to wardrobe decisions. In addition, Joe had been his closest friend.

So, it was understandable that the Governor didn't take kindly to the droves of ambitious
office seekers who wanted Joe's job. "They don't even have the decency to wait until the man is buried," the Governor muttered.

At the funeral, one eager beaver made his way to the Governor's side. "Governor," the man
said, "is there a chance that I could take Joe's place?"

"Certainly," the governor replied. "But you'd better hurry. I think the undertaker is almost finished."

Doggie Goes Out For A Job

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.

By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal OpportunityEmployer. The manager said "yes, but the sign *also*
says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"

Picture

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her
nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry........... "Is this your husband?"he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.


"That's me before the surgery!"

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN and then HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
• Wine her,
• Dine her,
• Call her,
• Hug her,
• Hold her,
• Surprise her,
• Compliment her,
• Smile at her,
• Laugh with her,
• Cry with her,
• Cuddle with her,
• Shop with her,
• Give her jewelry,
• Buy her flowers,
• Hold her hand,
• Write love letters to her,
• Go the end of the earth and back again for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
• Show up naked,
• Bring beer.

Fridays, I fish

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

Courtroom Questions

Questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and responses given by insightful witnesses.
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Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"

12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male or female?"

16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."

19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."

22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive

Sand Dune Backflipper

Can you do it?





Temptation



Natural Blonde

A young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over."

"What do you mean?" said the doctor.

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts."

The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"

"Why yes," she said.

"I thought so," said the doctor... "You have a sprained finger."

Confession is good!

Being his turn to receive confessions, a priest hears the confession of a church congregant whose voice is very familiar.

"Bless me Father for I have sinned. I have had sex with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is this you Luca? Luca from our boys choir?"

"Yes Father, it's me."

"And who is this girl" asks the priest.

"I cannot tell you, Father, she swore me to secrecy."

"Luca, it's best you tell me now. I will find out sooner or later."

"Was it Tina Minetti", the priest asks.

"I cannot tell you", responds Luca.

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I will never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I am sorry Father, but I cannot tell you."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed Father."

"Then it was Rosa Di √Āngelo?"

"Please Father, I cannot say."

The priest, exasperated and finally frustrated says, "Luca Pagano, you are indeed discreet and I respect that. But you have sinned and for that, you must show penitence. You must give up your position as Alter Boy for the next four months. Now leave and begin your penitence and learn from it."

Luca thanked the priest and immediately left the Confessional and joined his friend and fellow alter boy Franco who had been waiting for him.

Franco, concerned for his friend worriedly asked, "What did he do?"

Luca took a moment, looked at his friend and gleefully replies, "I got four months vacation and the names of five sluts!"

Visiting a barber

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

My wife is missing

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?"

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

Tip the pizza delivery boy

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Larry asked: "What is the usual tip?"

"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great." "Is that so?" snorted Larry. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."

"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."

"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.

The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."

At a grocery store

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now."

Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."

When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began.

The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."

College Prayers

O Lord, hear my anxious plea

Calculus is killing me

I know not of 'dx' or 'dy'

And probably won't until the day I die.

Please, Lord, help me in this hour

As I take my case to the highest power.

I care not for fame or loot

Just help me find one square root.

And Lord, please let me see

One passing mark in organic chemistry.

Oh such a thing I constantly dread

I'd just as soon join the Marines instead.

Lord, please give me a sign

That you've been listening all the time.

Please lead me out of this constant coma

And give me a shot at my diploma.

Legally Dead

The Journal of the Massachusetts Bar recorded this exchange between an anonymous attorney and a pathologist in a recent murder trial:
"Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

"No."

"Did you check for breathing?"

"No."

"So then, is it possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"

"No."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

Even then, this would-be Perry Mason refused to throw in the towel:

"Is it possible the patient could be alive, nevertheless?"

"It is possible that he could have been alive," said the pathologist, "and practicing the law somewhere."

Good Answers

Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?

Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday

*********
Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?

Customer: What other colors do you have?

*********
Manager: Sorry, but I can't give u a job. I don't need much help.

Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!

*********

Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday?

Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.

*********

Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!

Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.


*********
Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!

Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?

*********

Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.

Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me!

*********

Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!

Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within three days, you can keep it.

*********

Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!

Son: That's why I say she's no good!

Best Joke in the UK

Banta Singh walks into a bar in London , orders 3 glasses of beer and sits in the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more. The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time."

Banta Singh replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Dubai , the other in Canada and I'm here in London . When they left home, we promised that we'll drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."

The bartender admits this is a nice custom and leaves it there.

Banta Singh became a regular in the bar and would always drink the same way. He'd order 3 Beers and drink them in turn.

One day, he came in and ordered only 2 Beers. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bar tender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere condolences on your great loss."

Banta Singh looked confused for a moment, and then he laughs.... "Oh, no,"

He said, "Everyone's fine; both my brothers are alive. The only thing is... I’ve just quit drinking!"

Inheritance

The Old Professer poses the following problem to one of
his classes:

“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go
to his daughter, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his
brother, and the rest to his wife. Now, what does each get?”

After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Pauly raises his
hand and says, “A lawyer?”

A Girl Gives Direction !

A Girl is giving directions to her new boyfriend to get to her apartment.

She says: "You come to the front door of the apartment complex where I live and look for apartment 14A, and with your elbow push button 14A. Come inside and you'll find the elevator on the right. With your elbow hit 14. When you get out of the elevator you'll find my apartment on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell and I'll open the door for you"

The boyfriend says: "Dear, that sounds very easy to find, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow ?"

"Oh my God!! You're not coming empty-handed, are you?"

Packers fan

There was a Packers fan with a really lame seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.

When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"

The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."

Bumper Stickers

Bumper stickers to muse over...



If You Can Read This, I Can Slam On My Brakes And Sue You

Forget World Peace -- Visualize Turning Off Your Turn Signal!

HANG UP AND DRIVE!

Where There's A Will...I Want To Be In It!

Ever Stop To Think, And Forget To Start Again?

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

This Bumper Sticker Exploits Illiterates

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

Honk If Anything Falls Off

I Haven't Lost My Mind - It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere

Cute kids

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'

The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'

The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jello and ice cream. It's a breeze.

'The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?'

The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'

'Whoa!' the second kid replies. 'Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born.

Couldn't walk for a year.'

50th Wedding Anniversary

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar.

At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a tried to treata hera nice, spenda alla the money ona her, but the besta thing I evera did is that I tooka her to Italy fora our 20th anniversary!"

The Priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!

Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm a gonna go and geta her."

Some Woman bashing

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%!!! Its called wedding cake.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man, and rested. Then God created woman. Since then neither God nor man have rested.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified. In read: "Wife Wanted" The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: You can have mine.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a male chauvinist pig? A women who won't do what she's told.

What do you call a woman who just lost 90% of her intelligence? Divorced.

World's Worst Riddles

A friend purchased "The World's Worst Riddles", a slim book at a second-hand bookshop.


Published in 1968, its Introduction says that by "worst", it might mean "best".


However... here are some for mathematicians:


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Q: A man bought 90 hens. He placed 30 on the first perch, 30 on the second, and the remaining 30 on the top perch. How many hens did he own?
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A: Only the ones on the first perch because the others were on higher perches (hire purchase).


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Q: If it took eight men eight hours to build a brick fence how long would it take five men to build it?
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*A: None, because the eight men have done the work.


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Q: If six magpies are sitting on a fence and one is shot, how many are left?

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A: None, because the others flew away.


========================================


Q: Two's company, three's a crowd but what is four and five?

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A: Nine.

Penguins

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?


Wonder no more!!! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.


The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.


If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried..


The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

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"freeze a jolly good fellow."

The 11th Husband !!!

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle;
I'm still a virgin."

"What ?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be..

"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver..

"Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the- art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband #9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it..

"Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was......... .. God I miss him !!

"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited"..

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why ?
"You're with the " GOVERNMENT ". ..
"This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED."

Lawyer's porsche

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he was getting out, a truck came along too close to the car and completely tore off the driver's door.

A policeman was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche; it was completely ruined and would never be the same no matter how hard the body shop might try to make it new again.

His lights flashing, but before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be same no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally calmed down from his rant, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. 'I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are,' he said. 'You're so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life'

'How can you say such a thing?' asked the lawyer.

The officer replied, 'Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!'

'OH, MY GOD!' screamed the lawyer.






'What happened to MY ROLEX? !!!'