President Interrupted By 'Duck Ringtone' During Speech

The Worst

One night, three guys are at a bar talking and they all think their wives are cheating on them.The first guy says he thinks his wife is screwing a plumber because he found a tool belt under his bed.They all agree, and the second guy tells his story. He says he thinks his wife is screwing a judge because he found a robe and gavel under his bed.They all agree, and then the third guy says, "That's nothing! My wife is the worst! I came home and found a cowboy under my bed. I can't believe she's screwing a horse."

Another Dumb Blonde

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

Smart Sardarji

A Sardarji and an American are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The American asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Sardarji, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The American persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa." Again, he declines and tries to get some sleep.

The American, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5,and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the Sardarji's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game. The American asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Sardarji doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet,pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the American.

"Okay," says the American, "your turn".

He asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The American, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer & searches all his preferences........no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the Sardarji and hands him $500. The Sardarji thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.

The American, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the Sardarji and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the Sardarji reaches into his purse,hands the american $5,and goes back to sleep.

Most Men and REAL Men

The Difference between Most Men and REAL Men

Real Men..put you on the phone when their mothers call.

Most Men..pretend you're not there when their moms call.

Real Men..claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors, driving, and paying for dinner.

Most Men..claim to be feminists because they let YOU open doors, drive, and pay for dinner.

Real Men..know what they want to be doing five years down the road.

Most Men..are not sure what they want to be doing later tonight.

Real Men..really know how to make you relax.

Most Men...really know how to make you laugh.

Real Men..read Crichton, watch Rather, play golf.

Most Men..read King, watch Seinfeld, play poker.

Real Men..make a lot of money before they are 30.

Most Men..make a lot of mistakes before they are 30.

Real Men..wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes with laces.

Most Men..wear high school T-shirts they've actually owned since high school.

Real Men..think perfume (yours) is a turn-on.

Most Men..think sweat (theirs) is a turn-on.

Real Men..balance their checkbooks.

Most Men..balance their loans so that they never hit up the same buddy twice in a row.

Real Men..have an internist, a tailor and an accountant.

Most Men..have a barber, a bartender and a mechanic.

Real Men..are afraid of becoming their fathers.

Most Men..are afraid of becoming Real Men.

Real Men..start their own businesses.

Most Men..quit their jobs.

Real Men..order wine based on more than the price.

Most Men..bring their own beer.

Or What?

A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn’t had sex with him for 6 months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doc asks her what’s wrong, and why doesn’t she want to have sex with her husband anymore.

The wife tells him, “For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me, ‘So are you going to pay today or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’. When I get to work I’m late so the boss asks me, ‘So are we going to write this down in the book or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’.

Back home again I take the cab and again I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me again, ‘So are you going to pay this time or what?’ so again I take a ‘or what’. So you see doc when I get home I’m all tired out, and I don’t want it any more.”

The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, “So are we going to tell your husband or what?”

Two Cannibals

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.

The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

Did you hear about the blonde that...

't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"

Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".

Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

The bride tells her husband

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

Marriage Quotes

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Blonde Paint Jokes

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Hilarious Indian movie fight scene

I'm speechlees after watching this!!

A satire look at Corporate Lessons

Corporate lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over
which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly
wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says,"I'll give you 800 dollars to drop
that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops
her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob
hands her 800 dollars and leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps up in the
towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her
husband asks from the shower "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars
he owes me?"

Finding:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time
with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.

Corporate lesson 2

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he
stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and
crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The
priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the
car,
he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg.

The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm
129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced
himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes
from her leg.

Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" Once again the
priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance
and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to
retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129.
It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Finding:
Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great
opportunity!

College Lecture

A professor in a college health class was trying to demonstrate the effects of alcohol on the human body/ To do this he had two glasses on a table in front of him one filled with water and one filled with beer. He placed a worm into the water glass and the worm crawled out. He then placed the worm in the beer glass and the worm died. he then asked the class what have we learned?

From the back of the room a known smart alleic responed "If you drink beer you won't get worms !"

Deeply profound thoughts by Men!

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,

'You better think it over, Bob.

Women like that are hard to find.'

Husbands are Husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the Head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" the man asked.

The wife replied "That was for the piece of paper with the name Julie on it that I found in your pants pocket".

The man then said "When I was at the races last week Julie was the name of the horse I bet on"

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied. "Your horse called up !!!!"

Lottery Winner

I went home last night and asked the wife what she would do if I won the lottery. She replied "I would take half the money and leave you". I said great I won a tenner, here's £5.00 now clear off!

Clean Underwear!

From the Daily News comes this story of a Stockton-on-Tees couple who drove their car to Asda, only to have their car break down in the car park. The husband told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The RAC mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

The geography of a woman

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe , well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel , has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada , self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet , wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

Man with no bad habits...

Once a man was waiting for a taxi. A beggar came along and asked him for
some money. The man ignored him. But being a professional, the beggar kept
on pestering him. The man became irritated when he realized that the beggar
would not leave him alone unless he parts with some money.
Suddenly an idea struck him. He told the beggar, "I do not have money, But
if you tell me what you want to do with the money, I will certainly help you
.."
"I would have bought a cup of tea", replied the beggar.
The man said, "Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of tea". He
then took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to the
beggar.
The beggar told, "I don't smoke as it is injurious to health."
The man smiled and took a bottle of whisky from his pocket and told the
beggar, "Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff. It is really good".
The beggar refused by saying, "Alcohol muddles the brain and damages the
liver".
The man smiled again. He told the beggar, "I am going to the race course.
Come with me and I will arrange for some tickets and we will place bets. If
we win, you take the whole amount and leave me alone".
As before, the beggar politely refused the latest offer by saying, "Sorry
sir, I can't come with you as betting on horses is a bad habit."
Suddenly the man felt relieved and asked the beggar to come to his home with
him. Finally, the beggar's face lit up in anticipation of receiving at least
something from the man. But he still had his doubts and asked the man, "Why
do you want me to go to your house with you".
The man replied, "My wife always wanted to see how a man with no bad habits
looks like !!!!"

Nice Teaching !!!!!!!

First-year students at Veterinary school were attending their first Anatomy class, with a real dead pig.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a White sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a Doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the Animal body'. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, touched his finger in the mouth of the dead pig, withdrew it and put his Finger in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns putting their finger in the mouth of the dead pig and tasted in their mouth.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The Second most important quality is observation. I touched with my middle Finger and tasted on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention…

Moral of the story:

Life is Tough but its a lot tougher when you are stupid

Talking Dog

A guy was driving around the back roads of Buderim when he saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ' Talking Dog for Sale ' .

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there.

' Do you talk? ' he asks. ' Yep, ' the Beagle replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says ' So, what ' s your story? '

The Beagle looks up and says, ' Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the Australian Marines. You know one of their nicknames is ' The Devil Dogs. '

' In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn ' t getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down ' .

' I retired from the Corps (eight dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I ' m just retired. '

The guy is totally amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

' Ten dollars, ' the guy says.
' Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap? '
' Because he ' s such a liar... He never did any of that crap. '

The Taxi

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today Is my first day driving a cab... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Project Plan: .....How to Milk Cows

IT Projects.... (Ultimate....)

Client has 2 cows and you need to milk them

1 . First prepare a document when to milk them (Project kick off)
2 . Prepare a document how long you have to milk them (Project plan)
3 . Then prepare how to milk them (Design)
4 . Then prepare what other accessories are needed to milk them (Framework)
5 . Then prepare a 2 dummy cows (sort of toy cows) and show to client the way in which u will milk them (UI Mockups & POC)
6 . If client is not satisfied then redo from step 2
7 . You actually start milking them and find that there are few problem with accessories. (Change framework)
8 . Redo step 4
9 . At last milk them and send it to onsite. (Coding over)
10. Make sure that cow milks properly ( Testing)
11. Onsite reports that it is not milking there.
12. You break your head and find that onsite is trying to milk from bulls
13. At last onsite milk them and send to client (Testing)
14. Client says the quality of milk is not good. (User Acceptance Test)
15. Offsite then slogs and improves the quality of milk
16. Now the client says that the quality is good but its milking at slow rate (performance issue)
17. Again you slog and send it with good performance.
18. Client is happy???

By this time both the cows aged and cant milk. (The software got old and get ready for next release repeat from step 1) !!!!!

Lotto Winner

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'

The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'

'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

Businessman in a Hotel

A man checks into an hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely.

He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths
when you're calling for a cab.

He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.

She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs....... well, you get the picture!

He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.

When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call..

'Hello,' the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line '

Fruit Polos

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year schoolchildren, using a bowl of fruit Polos.

He gave all the children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.

The children began to say:
'Red............cherry,'
'Yellow.........lemon,'
'Green............lime,'
' Orange ........orange.'

Finally the professor gave them all honey Polos. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.

'Well,' he said 'I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled:

'Oh My God!!!! They're arse-holes!!'

Nothing like a good Bible story to make your day

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,
and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

She will praise you! She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and
passion whenever you need it.'

Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'

'An arm and a leg.'

Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib

Of course the rest is history.............!!!!

Medical Conclusions on Healthy Diets

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

Ferrari for £5000

A Glasgow man walks into a bank in Glasgow and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the loan officer that he is going to Australia on business
for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank
will need some form of security for the loan,
so the Glasgow lad hands over the keys
and documents of new Ferrari parked
on the street in front of the bank.
He produces the Log Book and everything checks out.
The loan officer agrees to accept
the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's Manager and its officers
all enjoy a good laugh at the rough looking Glaswegian
for using a £120,000 Ferrari
as collateral against a £5000 loan.
An employee of the bank then
drives the Ferrari into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Glaswegian returns,
repays the £5,000 and the interest,
which comes to £15.41.
The loan officer says,
"Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,
and this transaction has worked out very nicely,
but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away,
we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "£5,000" ?

The Glaswegian replies:

"Where else in Glasgow can I park my car
for two weeks for only £15.41
and expect it to be there when I return"

The Loving Husband

A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral."

What is Marketing?

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You approach her and
tell her: "I am very good in bed". That is Direct Marketing.

You are at a party with a group of friends and you see a very pretty
girl. One of your friends approaches her and tells her: "That guy over
there is very good in bed". That is Advertising.

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You ask for her phone
number. The following day you call her and tell her: "I am very good in
bed". That is Telemarketing .

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You recognize her, you
approach her and refresh her memory by telling her: "Do you remember how
good I am in bed?" That is Customer Relationship Management.

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You get up, fix your
tie, pour her a drink, open the door for her, pick up her bag when it
falls and you tell her: "I am very good in bed". That is Public Relations.

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. She approaches you and
tells you: "I heard you are very good in bed". That is BRANDING!!

How to get Good Leads

A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can’t be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is.
“I promised not to tell!” he says.
“Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher’s daughter?” the preist asks.
“No, and I said I wouldn’t tell.”
“Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer’s daughter?”
“No, and I still won’t tell!”
‘Was it Mary Francis, the baker’s daughter?”
“No,” says the boy.
‘Well, son,” says the priest, “I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months.”
Outside, the boy’s friends ask what happened.
“Well,” he says, “I got six months, but three good leads.”

Two fish in a tank.

One turns to the other and says “Do you know how to drive this?”

Uk's best joke

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

My friend is dead! What can I do?

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity in the Workplace

  1. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
  2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender.
  3. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha."
  4. Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
  5. Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.
  6. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.
  7. Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
  8. Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
  9. Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that.
  10. Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
  11. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.
  12. Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."
  13. Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
  14. Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunch room. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
  15. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

Best Interview Strategy

Next time take your friend along for an Interview

Italian Goes To Malta

This is a funny sound clip
Listen to what happens when an Italian goes to Malta


Top 50 Job Interview Questions

1. Tell me about yourself:
Do you want the whole thing or just bits and pieces. I have a very 'storied' past.

2. Why did you leave your last job?
I didn't. It left me.

3. What experience do you have in this field?
I have worked in it.

4. Do you consider yourself successful?
Yes.

5. What do co-workers say about you?
I've never asked them to talk about me.

6. What do you know about this organization?
That you have a job opening.

7. What have you done to improve your knowledge in the last year?
I have read the news and I watch public television and listen to public radio.

8. Are you applying for other jobs?
Not at the moment, but I applied for tons of jobs earlier this week.

9. Why do you want to work for this organization?
I don't recall saying I did. Do you already know why you want me to work for you?

10. Do you know anyone who works for us?
No, if I did, I probably wouldn't have to sit through this BS.

11. What kind of salary do you need?
One that gives me as much income as possible and one that absolutely maximizes the income limitations of this job.

12. Are you a team player?
I used to be but I hung up the cleats and skates. I usually play individual sports now like Poker and Darts.

13. How long would you expect to work for us if hired?
That's a very good question. Probably until something better comes along.

14. Have you ever had to fire anyone? How did you feel about that?
No, but if given the chance, I would fire tons of people.

15. What is your philosophy towards work?
I do, therefore I work.

16. If you had enough money to retire right now, would you?
Tell me...when you're at the movie theater, do you ask people what they're doing there?

17. Have you ever been asked to leave a position?
Yes, but I am very convincing. It's all good.

18. Explain how you would be an asset to this organization
I would be an asset because I am valuable and useful, thus fulfilling the definition of the word asset.

19. Why should we hire you?
I am available and you are obviously short one employee.

20. Tell me about a suggestion you have made
I once told Perkins that they need to bring the wishing well back. The wishing well was an area near the front of the restaurant that offered children free plastic toys. It's the only reason I still eat at Perkins. I'm still awaiting my chance at making a plastic frog leap once again.

21. What irritates you about co-workers?
Many things, but mostly that they worklonger hours than I do.

22. What is your greatest strength?
Probably myrear deltoids. I've been hitting those pretty hard at the gym.

23. Tell me about your dream job.
Three words: San Fernando Valley

24. Why do you think you would do well at this job?
It seems you are doing well and I'm fairly certain I can outperform you.

25. What are you looking for in a job?
Mostly income.

26. What kind of person would you refuse to work with?
It would suck to work with myself.

27. What is more important to you: the money or the work?
This isn't a volunteer gig, is it? The job post said 'paid full-time'.

28. What would your previous supervisor say your strongest point is?
Avoidance and Deception. It's a tie.

29. Tell me about a problem you had with a supervisor
One of them had very bad breath. It was a huge problem for the whole office.

30. What has disappointed you about a job?
I had a job where they promised a full month of wearing jeans. You can imagine my excitement. Later, I came to find out that I had to donate money to United Way in order to sport my denim. This was very disappointing because I had just purchased 3 new pairs of jeans.

31. Tell me about your ability to work under pressure.
How many pascals are we talking? Are we talking about atmospheric or water pressure?

32. Do your skills match this job or another job more closely?
What other job?

33. What motivates you to do your best on the job?
Shane Falco, QB for Ohio State when they lost in the Sugar Bowl once said "Pain heals, chicks dig scars...glory lasts forever." So probably money.

34. Are you willing to work overtime? Nights? Weekends?
Are you hitting on me?

35. How would you know you were successful on this job?
When I arrive to work each day and I leave work under my own will.

36. Would you be willing to relocate if required?
Not within the confines of the office but I'm willing to negotiate.

37. Are you willing to put the interests of the organization ahead of your own?
Castration is illegal in the lower 48.

38. Describe your management style.
I just did.

39. What have you learned from mistakes on the job?
That it is usually other people's fault.

40. Do you have any blind spots?
I don't see how my car or vision fits into this equation.

41. If you were hiring a person for this job, what would you look for?
I wouldn't be looking because I know I'm available.

42. Do you think you are overqualified for this position?
I am always overqualified unless there are physical limitations. I did a summer of roofing buildings. Placing me closer to the sun is not a good idea.

43. How do you propose to compensate for your lack of experience?
The same way you compensate for your surplus of arrogance.

44. What qualities do you look for in a boss?
Someone who doesn't care what I'm doing and forgets about stuff.

45. Tell me about a time when you helped resolve a dispute between others.
A group of friends could not agree on the top 100 comedies of all time. I helped resolve the dispute by creating a google spreadsheet during work. It's all about providing the tools necessary for people to come to a healthy resolution.

46. What position do you prefer on a team working on a project?
Wow. Didn't expect this one. Probably reverse cowgirl?

47. Describe your work ethic.
If you ask me to deliver, I will deliver. If you ask me to get it done tomorrow, and it takes one day, you'll have it by tomorrow. If you ask me to get it done next week, and it takes one day, you'll get it next week. It's all about balancing free time and expectations.

48. What has been your biggest professional disappointment?
Probably this interview.

49. Tell me about the most fun you have had on the job.
Without getting into too much detail, it involved over sized beef jerky sticks and resulted in a customer complaint.

50. Do you have any questions for me?
Three of them.
1) How many more questions are there?
2) Are you going to offer me the job?
3) How much are you going to pay me?

Top 25 Exit Interview Questions

1. What is your primary reason for leaving?
I hate every job after 10 months. Leaving ensures that I always have a job that I will not hate for at least 10 months.

2. Did anything trigger your decision to leave?
Nope...completely spontaneous. I just woke up one day and BAM!

3. What was most satisfying about your job?
Seanking out at 3pm.

4. What was least satisfying about your job?
Every Sunday evening when I started to think about having to come into work on Monday. It was the anticipation that killed me.

5. What would you change about your job?
I would be interested in making it better -- all around. More pay, less responsibilities...that type of thing.

6. Did your job duties turn out to be as you expected?
I expect the worst and hope for the best. So, yes...yes it did.

7. Did you receive enough training to do your job effectively?
If being really good at avoiding sexual harassment and being diverse encompass everything that should make me effective at my job...yes. Yes I did.

8. Did you receive adequate support to do your job?
My chair could have been much more comfortable and you could purchase softer toilet paper. Charmin might be more expensive but Charmin reduces overall sick days...look it up. The extra expense is really an investment in the health of your employees.

9. Did you receive sufficient feedback about your performance between merit reviews?
I received ample amounts of feedback on how good I am at "commitment to company mission" and "ethical decision making".

10. Were you satisfied with this company's merit review process?
If mothers adopted your merit review process, children would die of starvation but cabinets and cupboards would be clean and organized. Not sure if that answers your question.

11. Did this company help you to fulfill your career goals?
If I actually had career goals I would have to assume that this job fell far short of fulfilling those non-existent goals. But I guess we'll never know, will we?

12. Do you have any tips to help us find your replacement?
Oh, thanks...I'm blushing. As if you really need to replace me.

13. What would you improve to make our workplace better?
I would make almost everything optional. It's good to have options.

14. Were you happy with your pay, benefits and other incentives?
Yes. I love health insurance premiums that rise faster than my pay. I like health insurance deductibles that break my bank, and I enjoy the fact that you stopped matching on 401k. Most of all, I enjoy the discount we can get from GM for employee pricing on new vehicles. How exclusive!

15. What was the quality of the supervision you received?
I had problems with the quality, but it was more of a quantity problem.

16. What could your immediate supervisor do to improve his or her management style?
It isn't so much a question of how to improve. It's a question of how and when to replace.

17. Based on your experience with us, what do you think it takes to succeed at this company?
From what I could see, and this is coming from someone who didn't succeed, it is mostly about repeating what other people say, scheduling a lot of meetings, and being very social with people that you'd usually want to punch in the face.

18. Did any company policies or procedures (or any other obstacles) make your job more difficult?
1. The bathroom was way too far away from my cubicle. I had several photo finishes.
2. Your IT staff uninstalled my Google Earth program. I enjoy that particular piece of software.
3. The bureaucratic process of this company eventually destroyed my will to do anything productive. At first it was kind of awesome but then it got really boring.

19. Would you consider working again for this company in the future?
Probably, because as an external candidate I'm much more appealing to you and I will make more money.

20. Would you recommend working for this company to your family and friends?
I would recommend the company to family and friends if you gave me referral money.

21. How do you generally feel about this company?
General disgust.

22. What did you like most about this company?
It's kind of like a casino that has a nice location on the strip. It's not so much about the casino you're in, it's about the proximity to other good stuff. There are a lot of places to eat around here.

23. What did you like least about this company?
Everything else.

24. What does your new company offer that this company doesn't?
First off, they have Kohler toilets which are far superior to the American Standard toilets you have here. Secondly, they offer a clean slate. They have absolutely no idea how ineffective I am as an employee.

25. Can this company do anything to encourage you to stay?
If you could erase everything you know about me, pay me more money, and shorten my hours, I might reconsider.

Funny Office Animals - Which one Are You?



















20 Years With My Wife

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes I do." she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes I remember."

"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"

"Yes I do", she replied.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."

The funniest blonde joke

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......

* she called me to get my phone number.

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

*she tried to drown a fish.

*she thought a quarterback was a refund.

*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

*she tripped over a cordless phone.

*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

*she studied for a blood test.

*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

Needs

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.

But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.

And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'

The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "

The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.

" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"

Fallen Princess from Disney

Disney Princess, After the fairy tales were over



Enano

Enano - Go Green Bikes, Cheapest bike on Earth

President Obama SWATS Fly During Interview

President Obama SWATS Fly During Interview

Arranged Marriage

Arranged Marriage Funny Commercial

Funny Goals

Funny Goals that rarely happen in football world!